The Joy (and Relief) of Getting Mad Responsibly

I don’t know about you, but I hate getting mad.

 

I learned this after Teal’s death. Along with my grief rode a sidecar of toxic, bitter anger. I found myself becoming furious at small, irrational things. Yet, again and again, I felt ashamed of these dark failings. But … was my anger really a failing? Or was it actually all right?

 

As it turns out, my anger was a natural part of my grief. It was necessary — the sign of something stirring in the dark, narrow passageways of my grief. My anger was the ghost just down the way, beckoning for me to come hither and learn more.

 

Even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said I was supposed to be mad.

 

Still, I hung back fearfully at first. I found myself pushing my anger away with platitudes, instead of actually embracing it. Did I even have the energy for this, I wondered. Finally, I could avoid it no longer. That’s when I discovered it was not only okay to get mad … it was necessary.

 

Just like a cool breeze on a hot day, when I finally allowed myself to feel my anger and journal on it, it refreshed and restored me. My anger literally healed me, and became just as critical to my well-being as clean water, rest and the great outdoors.

 

I moved on in far greater peace once I began to own all of my feelings, including the less attractive ones.

 

If you are like me, you were raised to believe that anger is bad and good girls never get mad. So for the next 40 years I stuck my fingers in my ears and avoided such things. This is how we grow up numb and afraid to own or even know our anger … until it comes exploding out of us in unexpected ways.

 

From time to time my own anger would explode, of course, and this filled me with a deep and abiding shame. Because I never learned how to handle my anger in a conscious way, I ran from it, afraid. But you can learn to work with your anger. It simply takes a little practice.

 

First you have to own it. Then you must actively stop yourself before you lash out, hurl invectives, or get into a snarl with someone. Tempting as it may be, this behavior will just create greater stress in your life.

 

The way of self-care is to stop and walk away when you feel like you’re about to explode. This requires some self-control, but the rewards are well worth it. Once you have some time by yourself, you can stop and feel what is going on.

 

Allow yourself enough time to check in and assess what’s wrong, even if it’s only for a few minutes. (True self-care advocates will allow themselves as much time as they need here.) Notice where you feel your anger in your body.

 

Ask yourself what this anger of yours feels like. What other feelings might be present as well? What does it remind you of from your past?

 

Don’t wander down the lane of your story and its inherent drama, and try not to imagine a million worst case scenarios or vindictive triumphs. Instead, just do your best to stay present, sit with your emotions, and really feel them. They won’t last long. Ideally, they will peak, crest and then blessedly dissipate within a matter of minutes.

 

If anger is an unfamiliar or scary emotion, you may need to do a bit of journaling to process this. But hang with it, because this is when the healing happens. Don’t let yourself get caught in the trap of believing such activity is a ‘waste of time’.

 

Your anger is not only righteous, it’s a sign that your boundaries may have been violated or that something is really wrong. Don’t brush that critical warning system away. Instead, allow it to bubble up in all of its glory and prepare to learn from it.

 

For serious anger, take a big pad of oversized paper and scrawl on it furiously on with a fat magic marker. Say everything you need to say … on paper. Use up the whole pad if you want. Really have at it until you’re done. Then take that pad of paper, tear it up and throw it away or even burn it. Say a few words of release if rituals of this type are your thing.

 

One way or another, get that toxic anger out of your body, out of your mind, and out of your space. And as ever, if you are left with disturbing, persistent, or dangerous thoughts, or it is hard to work the anger through your system, get help. I found the right therapist tremendously healing in this effort.

 

Sometimes this is what it takes to let that massive freight train of your emotions move through you.  Once your anger has come and gone, then life can go on and your whole central nervous system can relax. And then you will relax far more deeply, which feels incredibly great!

 

Only when you have real clarity and you’ve let off some steam, should you have a conversation with those who’ve bugged you. Ideally this is an intentional, firm but polite chat in which you express your needs and your requests.

 

Then you can move forward in peace and not hate yourself or anyone else afterwards, regardless of the other person’s reaction, for you know you will have taken the high road and acted for the highest good.

 

This is exactly how I’ve come to trust my anger and watched my base energy turn from worry and petty annoyance to clear, unimpeded happiness. As I moved through my anger at various situations and people, I began to realize a lot of my anger ultimately had to do with my own actions.

 

Once I vented my anger on paper, a new level of clarity descended and I began to see a startling pattern. My anger at others was also partly anger at myself. For in many of my conflicts, I was responsible for at least part of the problem.

 

In certain tough relationships, I had been silent about my needs or willing to play the victim, and I hung on to resentments long after their due date. I began to take responsibility for my part … and then my anger turned to out and out forgiveness of myself and the other guy.

 

That’s when I began to experience deep and lasting empathy.

 

When handled correctly, anger and the lessons it brings can be a balm to the soul. It is the release of the pressure valve, and the surrender of the false veil that has us parked in “Everything is fine!” mode all the time.

 

Our anger tells us when things are out of balance. It’s a highly sensitive internal warning system that tells us where to set boundaries, and how to avoid danger and generally protect ourselves. In fact, it’s a critical source of the information we need to grow and expand.

 

May you learn to enjoy your anger when it bubbles up, and honor it for the innate and powerful wisdom that it is.

Reprinted from Suzanne’s book, The Extremely Busy Woman’s Guide to Self-Care

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