Finding Your Center

This week has been more of getting into a routine. I am finding my balance between three jobs and homeschooling my kids. For the record this stay at home order has proven to me why I never wanted to home school my kids. I love my children but teaching your own kids is like trying to herd cats. They do not give a crap what you say. They think you are just being pushy and I’m pretty confident my daughter has called me a bitch in her head at least thirty times. She has no poker face and I can see the words forming inside her head like a bubble cloud with the word. We have had meltdowns and arguments and some serious talks. I am definitely not made to teach my kids. It is a weakness on my part, as well as for many other parents, and truthfully they are better suited to learn from someone who is not me. Let me just say I have wanted to cry more than once trying to teach math to both of my kids. I have also thought about having a drink, maybe two after I was done.

Anyway, with the start of finding a balance in life, I am also finding a new balance with my writing. I have been trying to start book six and have had some issues. The first being I am working a lot of hours trying to make as much money as I can. I have been battling my own demons and questioning things about myself. And I kind of pissed Savannah off when I was in my dark place. I won’t go into details of how I did it because that is between her and I, but just know I am in the process of making up with her. I will say Savannah had every right to be pissed at me for allowing my darkness to seep into her world. As I begin to make my amends with Savannah, it means the words are slowly beginning to start to flow out of me and onto the page once more. It is a relief to say I actually wrote ten pages this week. I know it’s not much but it is a start and it means I get to finish Savannah’s books, which my readers are going to enjoy hearing. I am hoping that as I find my footing, I am going to be able to do more writing.

This week has shown me I need to make one more adjustment to my schedule. I need to start writing in the early mornings once more and then go do all of my jobs. It means at night once my kids go to bed I can relax and get some rest, which I have not had a lot of in the last few weeks. I need to cut out more time dedicated for Savannah and Santiago, instead of just squeezing them in. While in my dark place, I was having a hard time finding the heart to do this any longer. Part of it was just because I was hurting. The other part of it were those asshole demons I have been fighting. The good news is I am learning to deal with them and fighting them back more and more. It means that I am able to put more back into my writing than I have lately.

We as writers try not to allow our real world dramas to affect what we do in our other world. The problem is that doesn’t always work. Sometimes our real world troubles become our primary focus and it is hard for us to dive into our world of writing. For the last few weeks that is what has been happening with me. It makes me angry at myself for not doing better by Savannah but it is one of those things that you have to just accept, sometimes we fail.

So what do you do when you are battling yourself? That is the million dollar question. I am still learning what to do. One of the things I did was I took a night off from Savannah. I went and sat with my friend and just enjoyed some laughs and conversation. My friend lives in the next building, so I technically didn’t leave home. We sat talking and laughing and making fun of a certain person who is pushing all of my buttons right now. It was exactly what I needed. I also took another night off and sat watching one of my favorite shows, The West Wing, while I crochet. I talked to Savannah while I worked on my blanket and just let the quiet sink in. I don’t know if I found peace but I did find a little bit of quiet. It was what I needed without even realizing it. Right now, I don’t have time for a lot of breaks. I have a lot of work to do to meet my goals and I have a lot of work to do with Savannah. But those two nights I needed to find a way to quiet down all the chaos I am feeling. Those nights helped to the point that I was finally given what I believe is a sign from the fates. It was a very weird sign but it was what I have been asking for. Now I am going on a hope and a prayer that it was an actual sign and I am going to get what my little heart is wishing for. It has helped me turn my attention back to Savannah.

Breaks, even short ones, are important. You need those breaks sometimes to recenter yourself. I needed those two nights to quiet down, all of the crap I am feeling. Am I still dealing with all of my demons and self doubt? Yes, but they are less powerful than they were a week ago. Will I always be dealing with them? I don’t know. If I’m being honest with you and me, I will probably always be fighting them but hopefully they will have less power over me than they have.

Take the break when you feel overwhelmed. Find an outlet even if it’s just for a day or a night as it may be. Find a way to relax and be you. Take a walk, sing and dance around, do whatever it is to help you deal with you. I do all of the above and still it wasn’t enough. I needed a night not in front of this computer but doing something completely different. Stay strong my friends. Until next time!