Is It Really Alright to Ask for Help?
Recently, I heard from a woman who was complaining about how burned out she was by her job. “It feels like a black hole,” she wrote. “I can’t go on vacation because every time I do, I come back to a disaster. And then it’s my fault for leaving in the first place. I feel like I can’t ever turn away for one minute.”
To this poor suffering soul, I want to say no, no, no, dear friend. You can and must leave for vacations, and long weekends as often as possible. And here’s why.
According to The New York Times, women who only take a vacation every six years are eight times more likely to have a heart attack or develop heart disease than their vacationing counterparts. And that’s only one of many studies on the subject.
Vacations and appropriate time off really are critical for your health, and therefore your self-care. But what about the rest of this comment – that if our friend wants the job done right, she must do it herself?
Here’s where we often fall prey to illusion in our thinking. I don’t doubt that this woman is highly competent – she is. Obviously. And I could plainly feel her frustration and suffering as she returned to messes whenever she went away. Yet, the results she got spoke loudly to two different issues.
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First, where is management in all of this? Perhaps this is when a well-placed request for help with a senior employer is needed. After all, not only is sorting this kind of thing out their job, burned out employees do them no good.
A newish phenomenon in business is ‘presenteeism’ – the opposite of absenteeism. It’s when people insist on coming to work even when they are sick, exhausted, injured or burned out. Turns out this can cut worker productivity by a third or more, according to Harvard Business Review. And that helps no one. Ultimately, our friend’s burnout will cost her employer dearly – even when she’s trying as hard as she can.
Now, should she have a heart to heart with an unconscious boss who disses her, and offers no support, then the other option is clear.
Leave the damn job. Get out of there, give herself a promotion, and find a place that’s functional enough that she doesn’t have to live in self-deprivation to get along. A good employer will always include paid sick time and vacation time in their benefits package. If they don’t, that’s when we all must ask ourselves … is this really the job for me?
Yet, there may be something else at play as well. Sometimes we create these conditions by being too willing to clean up all the messes ourselves, and even insisting on doing all the work. The brutal truth is that such a path is not sustainable, as our burned out friend has discovered.
Yet it may still seem as if there is no way out. Ah, but there is.
Ideally, work is never meant to be done entirely alone. Ideally, your job involves an entire team, all of whom share responsibilities even tangentially. They truly cover your back when needed, and you cover theirs. Because, hey, we’re all human. We have needs. Like vacation days. And as long as we don’t abuse this, and the support system works, we should be okay.
And if the team in question is not reliable, some clear requests need to be made, either to them or to management.
To the question that started this article — about whether it’s alright to ask for help – I say a resounding yes! Always ask for help. Because the worst that happens is you find out that no help is available, and it may not even be safe to ask for it.
That’s extremely useful information, because then you get to make choices. Maybe it’s time to look for a job that better supports your self-care. Chances are, there probably is. But be aware … there is a mindset that can set in in toxic workplaces.
It goes something like this:
I will never get another job
No one would ever think of employing me
I’m a lousy hire even when I work as hard as I can
All jobs are the same, and all bosses are jerks
I have no time to get a resume together or begin to look
Etc
Etc
This is a vortex that will suck you in and hold you fast, until you decide to break free. The path forward really is entirely up to you.
I speak from experience after working in some extremely toxic workplaces. My self-respect was in the toilet within six months. And boy, was I shocked when I finally pulled it together and got out of there, a grueling four years later. (Man, what a waste of four years.)
Life on the outside was freer! Easier! Far more wonderful in every way. Honestly, I was shocked to discover this. I’d lost touch with my self-care, my self-respect and my needs. But once I took them back, my life began again anew. Immediately, everything improved – and it never got that bad again. Mainly because I’d saved myself.
If you’re feeling burned out but unable to leave any kind of toxic situation, may this give you the spot of courage that you need.
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The post Is It Really Alright to Ask for Help? appeared first on Suzanne Falter.
