Learning to Forgive Myself After a Mistake

Something mortifying happened to me the other day – and I learned quite a lot from it. I was at Berkeley Bowl, a popular grocery store here in the Bay Area at their most crowded peak time on a Sunday afternoon. And I was fighting the flu. Simply put, I wasn’t at my best.

I got into line to check out with my loaded cart behind a woman wearing very colorful pants. Just then I noticed I’d forgotten sliced turkey. So I took off at a lope for the deli section, grabbed my turkey and sprinted back.

As I returned to my spot behind the woman with the colorful pants, I realized my cart was gone. A fairly unassuming, silver haired older woman had taken my place – and there was no sign of my cart. “Hey!” I asserted to her indignantly. “Did you throw me out of the line? Because I went off to grab turkey? Seriously?”

Mind you, I’m not usually one to take out my aggressions on people in public places, but somehow I just lost it. Nevertheless, I continued.

“You’re kidding me!” I sputtered, as the woman just looked at me. “You need to let me back in line!”

“No,” she said, squaring her shoulders and staring me down. Behind me, other line members began to protest, saying I’d lost my spot since I’d left the line. Now I looked around wildly for my cart. “Now where is my cart??” I demanded.

Then, the appalling truth hit me. I was in the wrong line.

I could see my cart several feet away, patiently waiting for me. As it turned out, the woman in the interesting pants had changed lines.  “Oh, Jesus,” I said. Then I apologized, grumpily, and slunk back to my correct spot, ashamed.

Sigh.

Meanwhile, a nice guy was dutifully moving my cart forward and waiting for me to return. “I’m having a bad day,” I told him – and that was, indeed, true. I had no business going to Berkeley Bowl at peak hour when I felt as lousy as I did.

And yet, instead of following the path of self-care, I resisted. I told myself I ‘had’ to buy groceries at that exact moment. That somehow my wife couldn’t do the job instead. Would we have starved if I hadn’t? Hell, no. It was my own stubborn resistance to being sick that drove me out the door.

For days, I carried around with me this black cloud of my bad behavior. At least, I did until I spoke to my wise friend Kaitie. “Let’s remember something,” she said. “You want to put this in its true perspective.”

The fact was that I had apologized – albeit grumpily – to the woman I had railed at. And I had acknowledged my mistake to the kind man behind me. No lasting damage was done. And yet …

“Shame shows up where you want to change,” Kaitie remarked. And I have to concur; that is so very true. Apologies, shame and being humbled are so uncomfortable that they provide us with the perfect on ramp for lasting insights.

But still, the biggest takeaway for me is this notion of ‘true perspective’. After my mistake, I felt as terrible as if I’d done something far more serious. Maybe not rob-a-bank serious, but still … my mindset was pretty bleak.

We lack perspective about our mistakes because our own severe inner dialogue usually takes over. And mine was kicked into high gear. Did I need to beat myself up for days about this? No. Was it okay that I made a mistake? Yes.

So, slowly, finally, I began to relax.

This is what we do in our mortal coil. For what is life but basically a series of accidents, mistakes and missteps? Some are calamitous and others small. They’re all folded in there among the triumphs, the celebrations and the day-to-day tasks of life.

They key is to understand that we truly are only human, and that we will fail ourselves and others from time to time.

Even at Berkeley Bowl in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.

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