Going to the cinema.
I’ve been to the cinema three times this month. That’s the same amount I went in the entirety of the last year. It isn’t that I don’t like film, far from it. I’ve spent way more money than I should have done on videos and DVDs in the past (and to a lesser extent, Blu-ray). One of my fondest early memories was the cinema around the corner from my home as a child. My parents would take me to watch Disney films often, where I would often fall asleep as even at a young age, the blend of saccharine mawkishness with anti-Semitism bored me. But then they took me to see Clash of the Titans and a love for film became born as I cringed away from ‘Snakeyhead’, grabbing the ears of the unwitting person in front. Yeah, I was THAT kid. But things have changed.
The first reason I stopped going to the cinema, and this could be a local problem instead of a global one, was how pig-ignorant other people are. Last year during Thor: Ragnarok, a wretched arsehole sat in front of me whipped his phone out during the entire film at 15-minute intervals, the screen on maximum brightness. It marred my enjoyment of not only my favourite film of 2017, but possibly one I will rate highly still in years to come. I fully admit, it is a flaw in my personality that forces me to dwell on these issues, but all I could think of was prising his phone out of his dickhead fingers and hurling it at a wall, possibly followed by him if he objected. Maybe I’m a psychopath.
During Black Panther, two children, accompanied by their parent, had a full-blown conversation for the first hour of the film, the parent saying nothing. I’m not an unfeeling monster and I expect kids to have the occasional comment and marvel (geddit?!!) at what they are seeing on screen, but this was beyond the pale. When one decided to incessantly kick the back seats of the chairs causing the row to vibrate was when I took action; I turned giving them and the parent the ‘death glare’. The parent sat staring at his phone. I was incandescent.
Most recently, I viewed Infinity War, no spoilers, it was great. An ambitious cinematic gamble begun 10 years ago paying off in spades. Even going at our crowd avoiding time of half past ten in the morning, the cinema was almost full. And with a full cinema, comes idiots. This time, this came in the form of a woman who was not only afflicted with an irritating laugh but also the urge to comment loudly, sometimes to inform everyone that some was funny–in case her barking like a dog with an injured throat wasn’t enough.
“That was funny!”
“Is that Gomorrah?”
“He swore!”
I’m not making this up. She was too far away and obscured by other humans to pelt coins at. British politeness prevents me and others from yelling “Shut the fuck up!” at the top of our lungs, especially since there is the slim chance that someone so obnoxious could have mental issues, so we remain silent. Such is our cross to bear. The point remains, where I live, a cinema visit involves putting up with these twats. I saw Ready Player One recently, and for the first time, it seemed that the trend had been bucked, hence the subsequent visits.
Another thing that had begun to annoy me with cinema visits was the lack of trailers and the inversely proportionate amount of commercials before the feature. Easily 15-20 minutes of advertising. I don’t use broadcast TV any more, so these seem particularly egregious to me. Shit, I’ve just paid for entry, don’t try to sell me more stuff. I’m from the internet, commercials are a punishment for not paying for a service.
The trailers though. I miss them. It used to be a stream of around 8-10 before the feature. I know they are a form of advertising, but I always looked at it as a way of keeping myself informed about new releases (until I started buying film magazines at least). I would look forward to a slew of new trailers almost as much as the film I was about to see. Before Infinity War, we got three. Solo, Ant-Man and the Wasp and Venom. The same ones I’d viewed the week before when I watched Black Panther, plus the new Venom one. These were too targeted for my tastes. I accept that It likely to be interesting to the crowd watching those types of films, but I know no-one that only enjoys ONE particular genre. Since I stopped buying the film magazines, I am less well informed about upcoming releases. I like to have that element of surprise, and making me interested in something that I wouldn’t obviously go to see anyway, would inspire me to visit a cinema more often.
Times change, cinema attendance is falling as a result. I grew up in a time when ushers existed, politely asking people to behave to not spoil the film for others. Intermissions during long features to allow for toilets breaks without missing crucial plot points. Most importantly, a bevy of upcoming features to get you as equally jazzed as you expect the film to. Nowadays, a trip to the cinema seems designed to test your patience rather than an enjoyable experience.
Another cheery rant over. I’ll be back next week with another edition of Reviewing the Reviewers. I’ve seen some particularly cretinous ones recently!
My second novel is now available if you enjoy my writing. The first is still also available.
The Night Out. (This one is free on Kindle until 5th May – act quickly!)
