Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 4
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear __________
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.
Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.
Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.
I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:
Dear __________:
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)
Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)
Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)
I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing!
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear __________
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak. She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide.
Just when she’s about to break down completely, Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her. Lucy has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability.
Lucy plans to escape and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words.
I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy comments:
Dear __________:
Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews knows she’s a freak (Maybe qualify this by saying who finds her a freak. Some might be offended by the word and it being applied to mental health. It helps that this is own voices, but maybe soften it somewhat. ...Sixteen-year-old Lucy Andrews hates? that she's considered a freak by those who don't know her.) She fears the color red, draws in bathroom stalls, and avoids even numbers because they’re too perfect. (I like how you give specific details here. I'm interested.) Yet somehow she’s able to hold it together…until her best friend Janice, her beloved art teacher, and two classmates commit suicide over a year in unrelated incidents. (A little confused because I thought this horrible tragedy would be the focus of the story. Maybe include a time period and say that the incidents are unrelated to play this aspect of the story down and make it mean a little less. If this happened all at once, I'm sure she'd be really crushed and completely fall apart. Does this happen all at once, within a year?)
Just when she’s about to break down completely(Maybe something about "the last straw" instead), Lucy’s father falls into a coma and is placed in the ICU. While living with Janice’s parents until her father heals, they have her committed for her odd, compulsive behaviors.
Lucy is scared and sad, but (Something feels off here. Is she accepting of this as being a benefit? Because that's how it sounds. Maybe go with that and then have her suspicions rise. ...scared and sad, but accepting it's her best chance for healing until she realizes something...) also curious because something isn’t quite right at the hospital- there are too many cameras, a one-way mirror in the art room, and a woman who stalks her(maybe a bit more detail (few words) on how). Lucy(Feels off to repeat her name. Like it's adding distance from the character. Maybe: It's time to get out of there asap.) has to get out of there asap.
Dr. Faust promises a visit to her father if she takes an experimental drug. In addition, she may be discharged from the hospital earlier than planned. The drug cures her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but destroys her artistic ability. (I like how you show how the story escalates. It's not often I say this but I feel like there are too many details here. Or maybe it seems like it could be shortened and said quicker with more punch. She's offered an experimental drug with the promise of seeing her father and possibly being discharged early. Though the drug helps her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it takes away everything that makes her Lucy. As she fights back, refusing the drug and threatening to expose the hospital, a doctor threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. Then go into your stakes. Either she does as she's told and hopes for the best, or she can prove something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before they unmake everything she is.)
Lucy plans to escape(already said) and expose the corrupt hospital for holding teens who don’t belong there, but when Dr. Faust discovers what she’s up to, he threatens to keep her committed and pull the plug on her father. She can either do as she’s told and hope for the best, or she can prove that something sinister is happening and make it to the ICU before Dr. Faust does.
LUCY COUNTING STARS, a YA contemporary novel, is complete at 83,000 words. (I would combine this with the bio paragraph below. Like so) I worked as a middle school counselor for ten years and suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. Therefore LUCY COUNTING STARS is part experience and part research.
Thank you for taking the time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, (As I said before this isn't needed, but it's up to you.)
I think this query has a real handle on the story line and you make Lucy sound interesting. I would concentrate on removing extra wordage and punching up the prose for more intensity. It sounds very intriguing!
Good luck!
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