Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 5
Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear [Agent],
When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.
THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.
I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear [Agent],:
When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?) of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.) of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.)
THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)
This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.
Good luck!
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.
If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.
That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.
The query without my notes:
Dear [Agent],
When seventeen-year-old Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce. But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital, he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black market currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20 days without magic, and Nick only has 15 left. He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid of his uncontrollable magic.
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned and in danger of being killed for the power she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to question if he wants to give it up to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving.
THE LIGHT WITCH is a 100,000-word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential.
I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear [Agent],:
When seventeen-year-old (Good hyphens done right. Of all the grammar problems, it's most often hyphens that are wrong or missing.) Nick finds a girl named Simran collapsed beside a well, the last thing he expects is for her to give him magic. (I would expand on this and detail what type of magic instead of just using that word. What he can do will be more enticing than the word magic.) He couldn't control his muscular dystrophy diagnosis or his parents' divorce (Interesting complications for a plot! Not to be cold but this is your unique aspect. Play it to the full.). But when his inability to control his new power lands his mom in the hospital (That's the problem with just saying magic. We have no idea what he did here. Add the details above so you don't have to here.) , he’s determined to take control and make Simran reverse what she did—if he can find her.
Nick’s search for Simran leads to him being pushed (Don't need to know) into the Otherside—a new world where spells are black-market (Hyphens again. Black describes the market and not the currency.) currency. It's also where he learns that Simran intentionally sold her magic to dealers. No witch has ever survived past 20(spell out numbers under 100. so twenty.) days without magic, and Nick only has 15 fifteen left. (Now I'm really interested. Another unique aspect.) He doesn't know why Simran is risking her life to get rid (juicier word? dump?) of her magic, but saving her is his only chance to get rid(So don't repeat words. Change one of the 'get rid' phrases to something else.) of his uncontrollable magic (A different, fresher word than 'magic' here. It's been said too often. You really have to watch repeating key words in a query.).
With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned(I don't get abandoned. They didn't have have much of a relationship to start with. Maybe 'alone in a freaky world.' Something with his voice.) and in danger of being killed for these unwanted powers she gave him. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—everything she sold and what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses the magic, the more addicted to it he becomes, and the more he starts to questions if he wants to give it up surrender it (Stronger verbs.) to save a girl who doesn’t seem to want saving. (Interesting stakes. Watch the over-wordage. My problem is that the disease doesn't get mentioned in the last paragraph. It's one of your unique hooks. Come back to it. Also unclear whether he will die when Simran does.)
THE LIGHT WITCH (I forgot to say this on other entries but all caps on your title and italics) is a 100,000 word Young Adult fantasy novel with series potential. (Join those paragraphs together like this:) I am an Ontario-based writer, and I was previously published in a short story and poetry anthology titled LAKE EFFECT 6. The collection features the work of students in the Queen’s University advanced creative writing classes.
I read on [source] that you’re seeking [blank type of stuff] and think THE LIGHT WITCH would be a great fit. (This should probably go at the front of the query.)
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely, (Everyone really loves their sincerelys. It's not necessary but okay.)
This is a good example of a query with unique concepts and traits that I would be looking to mentor. (I don't take YA so no conflict of interests, but see me for Nightmare on Query Street if you're still on the market.) I'd say this query just needs some tweaking to strengthen some word choices and bring back in how his disease affects his choice at the end.
Good luck!
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