Summer Query Extravaganza 2017 Number 3

Welcome to the Summer 2017 Query Extravaganza! 
In honor of Pitchwars and summer, I thought I'd do a few query letter breakdowns. Call me crazy, but I love to dig into a query letter.
Please remember this is just one person's opinion. It's also subjective as everything is in publishing. I'm pointing out what jumps out to me. Others may catch other things.

If you want to be invited to take part in the next batch of query feedback, you'll have to pitch in. Leave a comment with your thoughts on the query below. I'll be inviting those who comment most often to submit their query letter.

That means leave feedback below in the comments on this post and the other five query letters in this group to be considered for my next batch.   
The query without my notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck,
For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blond is just another girl to rape. That is, until she steals his soul.
Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment.
Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain, Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life. But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price to regain his humanity?
Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy  of 81,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
And with my crazy notes:
Dear Michelle Hauck, (Colon for a business letter. This query came double spaced and I changed to single space for the blog. It might have been the email formatting, but you definitely want to use single spacing on a query letter and for Pitchwars.)

For Creed, Fanglore is just another country to conquer, and Manecor just another city to topple. The women and children are just another group to enslave, and the blonde is just another girl to rape. That is, until she(shows herself as a demon and) steals his soul. (An antihero? Interesting. I'd give us a little (possibly tiny amount) more detail about who Creed is. Is one soldier among many? The leader of an army? A politician? Does he have a title like general? If he's just a cog in the machine, does he enjoy this sort of work or is it just a job to him? Though a warning that mention of rape is going to turn a lot of agents off instantly and it doesn't make me too happy either. You might change it to "use" and leave it more vague. Also you just kind of throw demon into the mix below; you'd better establish it here first.)

Now, separated from his army and with no emotions, Creed must rely on Sara, an enemy healer, to guide him across this foreign land in order to rejoin his regiment. (I'm interested, but why does she agree to this? What's her motivation and what's his? Does he hope for help there? A magical cure? Does he need to find the blond? This paragraph is a little too short. It needs to say more about the situation. It can also clear up whether magic is known in this world or if it's a surprise to Creed.)

Pursued by deformed monsters that relish their own pain (why? Why do they chase him in particular or do they chase everyone?), Creed’s soulless body begins to erode into one of the creatures that plague him around every turn. With no choice (I think you mean his path to his army is blocked. Subtle difference. He'd go there if he could.) but to forsake his army, it becomes a race against time to find the demon(the blonde? Because I thought she was human.) and take back his soul, or become enslaved to the very evil that destroyed his life.(As he's sort of evil to start with, I'm not sure I care. Give us a sentence about his changing heart first before the stakes.)  But when a forced partnership becomes a friendship, will he be able to pay the price(The price is unclear. I'm guessing he has to betray Sara but stating that would be more interesting. Specific details!) to regain his humanity? (Rephrase so it's not a question perhaps. He'll have to consider whether to pay...)

Soulless Ones is an adult dark fantasy of 81,000 words. (Word count is okay, but most adult fantasy are going to be closer to 90K or over.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, (I always suggest paying clients cut this word. Thanks and consideration are enough.)
So an antihero! My suggestions would be to clear up a few of the points I mentioned above (like Sara's motivation) and give us a little more about his character arc. How does Creed start to change? 
Also I would try and insert more of Creed's voice into the wording of your query. What swear words would he use? What slang can you use to replace more everyday words? Focus on showcasing his antihero personality and make it shine.
Good luck!