And then I cried

Rose and I have been besties for a very long time. I don't remember a time in my life she wasn't there. She and I have weathered the ups and downs of life. Rose has been there to drag me to social stuff, while I have been there to be the voice of logic for Rose. When Tim asked me to describe my relationship with Rose, I chose an analogy that I knew he would understand.

"I am the Spock to Rose's Captain Kirk, only Rose is a much cuter and more moral captain."

Tim loved that. Rose is the adventurous, passionate one while I have often tried to pretend my feelings don't exist, or hide them from the world. I am the one that would rather read or write, while Rose has reminded me never to forget that people are more important.

Rose is the Anna to my Maria, she was the inspiration for Alditha, she listened to me read the earliest version of Brother's and Betrayal, and has excitedly listened as I told her about Dreams and Devotion.

Now, I'm helping her pack boxes for moving out of the house and all the way to Michigan. On a recent Sunday, as we worked together to pack boxes, I lost it. I left the room, ran to Mom and Dad's room and started sobbing. I haven't cried this hard since I was explaining to some close friends, probably almost a year ago, some things that had been weighing on my heart. I held tight to my Dad and cried hard.

"She can't move so far away."

"This guy can't be good enough."

"It hurts."

Those were a couple of things I said as I sobbed. Most of the time, I just held either my Mom or Dad and cried for about an hour. I was so mad at myself for doing it to. Why couldn't I just be happy for Rose? I was being so selfish to think of me! If I wanted to be selfish, couldn't I just think about the fact I would have my own room for for the first time in my life?

When I had finally cried myself out, through texts with friends and talks with Mom and Dad, I was reminded of a very powerful fact: tears can be healing. I needed to grieve what I was losing. As a friend of mine wisely pointed out, while Rose and I will always be friends, our relationship has altered and will never be the same again. It's okay to be sad that our time as best buddies living in the same room is coming to an end.

Monday morning, I woke up lighter and able to simply be happy for Rose. I needed to grieve so that I would be free to rejoice. I keep having to relearn the lessons that often my deepest emotions need to be expressed so that I can be free.

When was the last time that you cried tears that brought healing?