I Don't Want to be a Author Today

Photo by Chris Leggat from Unsplash

I don’t feel good today, I didn’t feel good yesterday, but my work is still with me. I can’t get away from it. As long as my computer is in sight and on, there is something that reminds me I should be working on.

Days like today make that tough.
I woke up feeling tired and under the weather. You know the feeling: nothing really wrong, but nothing is right either? Yeah, I dragged myself out of bed with the alarm and went about my morning routine sluggishly. By 9:00AM I had finished my time with God, responded to some emails, and sat at my desk and stared at the six documents I had left open. They all clamored for my attention, all needing something from me. I stared at those documents and dropped my face into my hands.

I didn’t want to be a writer today.

I wanted to curl up and read a good book and ignore that I am already behind on my writing schedule for the year. I wanted to watch a movie and forget about the dozen or so emails that are still waiting for a response and the online writer’s conference I need to prepare for. Today, I wanted to do just about anything other than work and write. But I am a writer, so I opened up one of the easier tasks I had, even though it wasn’t the most important and started working.

This is when my mind starts playing tricks on me. I look at my newsletter that still only has seventy-five subscribers. I look at the sales dashboard that hasn’t had a sale in a few days. I look at the fact I spend on average ten hours a day working and still struggle to cover basic expenses with what I make.  When I am focused on that, I really, really don’t want to be an author today.

Isn’t it sad how easily I lose sight of why I am a writer? I don’t do it for the money or the numbers, I write because that is what God has called me to. I love my job, and if I didn’t, there are lots of places willing to give me a different job.

Why am I writing this post? I realized that I share a lot of my joy as a writer. I share when things are going right, or when even the positive things I see coming out of my hardships. However, I don’t think I have ever shared when I am having one of these days.

It is about time.

Most days, I love my job. The newsletter numbers don’t bother me, I am excited that anyone wants to read about what I am doing. The last year, I have recived royalties that have been put into my bank account every month. That is pretty awesome! But days like today, it doesn’t seem like enough.
What about you? Have you ever struggled with this feeling?