Whiskey and Weirdo’s
Well, this weekend was something very special to me and here’s why . . .
My sweet husband of nearly 3 1/2 years was astounded when I told him I had never been to the Jack Daniel’s distillery in Lynchburg, TN! “What, are freaking kidding me, why the heck not?”
“Well, first off, breathe . . . I just never really thought about it is all. How spectacular could it possibly be?”
Our little blended family is in one of those 3-ringed shit shows that I have mentioned before at the moment. It’s ongoing but over the last 3-4 weeks, things have been tense, let’s just say. I have been blessed with a huge increase in referrals to my pediatric OT clinic, thank you God, and have been working A LOT! I love it, of course, but I get tired just like anyone else who has their dream job, we just do.
My husband knows me better than anyone else I know and recognized the bags under my eyes and my haggard gait each night I would meander into the bedroom for bed. So, he surprised me this weekend with a trip to good ‘ole Lynchburg, TN for whiskey, and unbeknownst to me at the time, weirdo’s.
We stayed about 4 minutes outside of downtown at a cabin called ‘The Cedar Cabin’ and I’m just here to say it has got to be the nicest place around and that lady can decorate like nobody’s business. See below.
At night we made big warm fires in the outdoor fireplace and y’all it was so romantic, quiet, and quant!
So, we have tickets for the distillery tour with tasting at the end starting at 1:15 pm on Saturday and that’s when the weird cuts in.
My husband and I are standing there at the distillery lobby waiting for our tour to be called when a stench hits my olfactory system and I have to keep from gagging. After smelling her, I then heard her yelling at what I assume was her husband, about the fact that he just breathed on her face, he was standing too close to her, doesn’t the corn mash smell like baby crap in a diaper, etc., etc. I just HAD to turn around and here’s what I saw . . .
Behold a glorious over-stuffed orange, wearing glasses, a stench, and an attitude. Now, I love all people, big, small, or otherwise but I figured out the stench straight away. When a rather very large person bathes, there are parts to them that they either can’t reach, or forget and at times, can give off an odor. God bless her. When I turned around she yelled in my face, “What tour are y’all waiting on?” I politely told her the 1:15 pm one and she yelled back at me, “We’re waitn’ for the 1:55 pm.” To which I replied, “Well, great, enjoy.” She eyed me a bit more before I turned my attention back to my husband who looked at me and said, “You just couldn’t help yourself could you? Why did you turn around?” I told him that I would tell him later and asked if the stench had hit him yet cuz it was about to.
Our tour is called and off we go. Now, I am a HUGE people watcher and always have been. This is one of the many reasons my husband and I get along so well, he is too.
During our 1.5 hour tour I observed a 7 foot tall dude who was so hung over, I feared some of the smells would cause him to hurl all over our party so I always made sure I knew where he was and if he was close, I’d grab my husband’s hand and flee in the other direction. The other dude he was with I swear had damn lice falling out of his greasier than the aftermath of cooking a shit ton of bacon hair and the other guy was alright, with nothing outstanding about him. Thank God.
I observed a stunning girl in her early 20’s with the most ridiculous doofus I have ever seen. What do you see in him, girl? And this dude had no concept of life, for example, he parted the sea of bodies standing listening to our guide, to tie not one but two shoes, and holy cow he moved about as fast as a drunk snail. Here’s the thing, he could have gone to the back of the group and done this but, instead, he turns into Moses and parts us so he can tie his ugly ass shoes. Oh, I’m not done with him, stay tuned.
There was another couple there and the girl had those huge gauge things in her ears, she looked like an Aborigine, and her boyfriend looked like a weasel. They were very nice but didn’t go together, ya know?
We had another couple who was also nice but this lady kept saying, “OMG, it smells so good, it smells so good . . .,” I swear she said this phrase 863 times plus but she would later crack me up at the tasting. I’ll get there.
Next up was the couple who were probably in their late teens along with the girl’s mommy. The boy had some job where his phone kept ringing ‘and he just HAD to answer it,’ which really really annoyed the heck out of the girlfriend as he rolled his eyes for the 12th time he was called in 30 minutes and had to step away to argue with a customer about chicken. Sounds like a butcher emergency to me.
The older biker couple were pretty cool and the chick could have run the tour because she seemed to know everything about everything about whiskey. Her husband was about 6 foot 10 and didn’t look a biker with his ball cap on but assured me he was through and through. I had to laugh at that because to me he looked like a Sasquatch, redneck, wanna be biker, but what do I know?
We get to the end of the tour, I have no idea how 7 foot hung over fella made it, I say that with all honesty. I also hear “it smells so good” girl hoot and holler as we enter the tasting area. We had 5 glasses filled with various whiskey’s plus a glass of ice water. See below.
I’m not much of a whiskey girl myself, but I was kinda curious how this was going to go down. To my right was the mommy of the ticked off at her boyfriend for being on the phone and she must have been damn dehydrated out the gate because before we even started tasting our whiskey samples, she had already downed her 2nd glass of water. Not sure what to make of that, really.
So, the guide tells us to sniff first, then take a bit on our tongues, let it sit there, and then swallow. Holy hell what have I just let travel down my throat? It burned like fire, and in fact, the rest did too. On the last one, I faked it. I smelled it, pretended to drink it, set it down, and then downed my water.
Back to doofus and his gorgeous girlfriend . . .
Our guide has taken us through all of the samples and then asks the question, “Does anyone have any questions I can answer?” To which doofus blurts out with the dumbest grin on his face, I wanted to hum a glass at that face so bad, and says, “This is good.” This is good, to my knowledge, is not a question you idiot and if that was your way of fitting in, well, you suck and still don’t fit in. As a matter of fact, how much do you pay that pretty girl to attend events with you because there is no way in hell she goes willingly with someone like you.
“It smells so good” made me almost fall out of my chair laughing my ass off. I look over at her because the itch in my hand to throw a glass at doofus was so strong, I had to look away. Here’s what I see . . .
She has turned green, she is guzzling her water, she has sweat clean through her white shirt, and she is fanning herself. The look on her face was of someone who had just tasted a lemon for the first time, broke out into a hot flash, and was about to projectile hurl all over the place. Um, what happened to “it smells so good” 980 times? What a poser! Bless her heart!
Well, anyway, my husband and I had a ball all around and I am so thankful for these weekends, although rare, that we can get away from it all and just be with each other, people watch, and do something new. To boot, I get great blogging material! It’s a win win I’d say!!
Love y’all!!♥
