H.A. Larson's Blog, page 22

You are who you Create

Life for me, as it is with most people, is a series of ups and downs, failures and successes, and trials and tribulations. It is these series of lows and highs that help us become the person that we're meant to be. After all, if we don't experience the good with the bad, how do we grow? How do we learn? How do we become wiser?
For years, I tried to figure out my place in the world...to figure out who I was. What I discovered was that there was nothing to figure out. You are who you create. In other words, what I am is a creation of my life experiences, the choices I've made, the people I've known, and the activities I engage in. More than that, this is not a static process, but rather a fluid one. Who we are evolves and changes as time goes on, and doesn't stop until the day we die. And if at any time, we decide we don't like who we are or where we're going, we can make the necessary changes to remedy that. There's no need to stay the same.

The realization that I create who I am was tremendous for me. Not only does it free me from this need to figure out who I am, but it also lets me plan and shape my future accordingly. What a novel idea, right? It's so simple that I'm actually a bit disappointed that I didn't figure this out sooner.

I have a new, refreshed purpose for my life now. I am no longer waiting for my "true form" to reveal itself, but rather I'm shaping my future by envisioning how I'd like that future to be. I'm embarking on a new quest for knowledge, something I had previously thought I had closed the door on permanently. This will take me on an entirely different path than the one I was on, and one I never would have envisioned just a few short months ago.

In essence, I am creating a new me. The core part of who I am will always be the same, but the rest of me is changing. It always was, honestly, I just couldn't see it for what it was. I am who I create and I am creating a me that I never could have envisioned.

To the future!

Coffee Talk: It's Been a While

I was having my morning cup of coffee the other day when it dawned on me that it's been a while since the last time we had a coffee talk. In fact, when I looked it up, it's been since September. Bearing that in mind, we definitely need to have some coffee and chat.
I was lax and didn't put up my usual weekly post, but I had a good reason: I've been quite busy this week. I work at a University and a few weeks ago, classes started up for the new semester. I have been swamped since then taking care of the myriad of things for our faculty and for the department that my days have been flying by. I actually enjoy being busy because time goes incredibly slow when you're bored and because the weekends come that much quicker. 
At home, I've been busy, too. Mainly, I've been working on some short stories for my newsletter and for a project (more on that to come later). I've also made a conscious effort to cut way back on my social media usage, so I've been reading a lot, both at home and on my lunch breaks at work, as well as watching documentaries on topics I have an interest in. 
Another thing I've been getting back into is preparing and making food. It seems so trivial, cooking food, but between depression and not wanting to do anything after getting home from work, my and my kids' diet had started to consist mainly of easy, processed junk. So, I restocked my pantry and now make a good, healthy meal every evening that I can also take to work for leftovers the next day for lunch. I won't go into a lot of detail about this as I'll make a post about it later.
The other week, I had lunch with a co-worker from my old position on campus. She knows about the class I'm planning to take and asked me if I knew about the SAC Fund. I had no clue what that was, so she filled me in. Apparently, the SAC - which is the Staff Advisory Council - had started a pilot program to offer staff a chance to take elective training or classes in the name of professional development. Since the class I'm taking does relate to my current position, I applied. I was thrilled to find out that I was awarded the funds to pay for that first class. It's not much in the scheme of things, but it's tremendous for me. Not only does it help me out financially, but it really helps to boost my morale, as well. 
I have to say that I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I have some fun, simple plans and the weather is supposed to be nice. January is the hardest month to get out and hike on the weekends, so I'm looking forward to getting out on the trails again. I haven't forgone the trails entirely this month, it's just been more of a challenge. The temperatures have been warm enough that hiking in the snow is akin to trudging through sand. It's difficult and not that much fun if I'm being honest.
My newsletter will be coming out in the next few days and it will include a new short story series. This means if you haven't already, that you should sign up for it. You can do so by clicking the menu button in the upper left-hand corner. 
Happy Friday!

The Crushing Weight of Grief

The last thing I expected to start off the first day of the New Year with was devastating news, yet, that's exactly what happened. Word came from one of the few people I keep in contact with from high school that one of our classmates had died in a terrible accident. Now, before I get more into that, I need to provide the backstory.
I grew up in a small, sleepy Iowa town during the 1970s and 80s. The population topped out at 350 and everyone knew everyone else. There was no such thing as strangers. There were, give or take a person here and there over the years, 18 people in my graduating class. Matt was one of them. 
I knew Matt since the first grade when Dad moved me from the city back to his tiny hometown. In third grade, he became my first boyfriend and delivered my first kiss in the lunch line one day. While our blossoming romance didn't last long, we remained classmates and friends. He was popular but he wasn't a jerk like many of the other popular kids, and his laugh was immediately recognizable. He was into Led Zeppelin, muscle cars, and was liked by everyone.
Inevitably, as time has a tendency to do, we all graduated and went our separate ways. Matt was one of the handfuls of people that never strayed far from home while I was one of those that did. While we both struggled and slogged through our respective lives, miles and states apart, we both had our roots in our quaint little town.
It was these roots that brought me home from time to time to visit my dad - who moved to the next town over after I graduated high school. On one of those visits, I found out where he lived and knocked on his door one winter night in 2002. At that time in our lives, we were both struggling. I had just come out of an abusive relationship with my son's dad and was trying to get a fresh start by staying with my dad for a brief time. Matt was living with a much younger girl, working for his dad fixing cars, and deep in the throes of meth addiction.
Even though I woke him up out of a dead sleep, he was genuinely happy to see me. We hugged and laughed like the old friends we were at the sight of one another. I sat on the battered couch in his tiny one-room dwelling and him on his bed while we talked for hours, bridging the divide between all the years. Before I left, I invited him to the birthday party I was having for myself. He did come, and we all had a fun time.
It wasn't long after that that I moved to Omaha and started a life here, but I still made frequent visits back to the town I grew up in. On one of those visits, I got directions to his house out in the country, where he had moved and married the much younger girl. Little did I know that this visit would be the last time I ever saw him.
It wasn't the last time I talked to him, however. Social media giant Facebook, with all its pitfalls and negative points, has been a great way to reconnect with people that, in the past, you'd probably never see nor hear from again. When Matt joined Facebook, I was already a seasoned veteran and quickly friended him. It wasn't long before we chatted over Messenger from time to time, but after his second divorce, we talked a lot more frequently and in-depth. 
The last time we talked through messages, we made plans to get together the next time I was in his area. Unfortunately, that never happened....and it never will.
On New Year's Eve of 2019, Matt was working on a car at his home and the car fell on him. He died later in the hospital, news that reached me via the only other person in my old class that I care for deeply. To say the news was shocking is an understatement. The devastation, palpable. The grief, unbearable. I have tears in my eyes as I type this, it hurts so much.
I grieve for many things: his family, his friends, the realization that life is short, and the loss of time. But, most of all, I grieve for my friend. I miss you. Even though our lives were so different and lived far apart, you were always a part of me. 
Requiescat in Pace, my friend.


"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." - found on an Irish tombstone

The Power of Experiences

Over the years, I've talked a lot on this blog about living a life of adventure. To me, life is meant to be lived to the fullest, regardless of the constraints that hold some people back: location, money, and time being the biggest factors. For years, I let these three things hold me back from doing much of anything until I changed my attitude. Slowly but surely, I learned to experience all that I could with what little time I have away from work (there's more than you think), with limited funds (it doesn't take much, if any, money to have adventures and envious experiences), and with where I lived (turns out, there's adventure to be had no matter where you are).
It started with a desire to not only live a life full of adventure and rewarding experiences for myself but, by default, my children as well. Now, years later and with more money at my disposal, I still live by the simplistic idea of gifting my children with experiences that money cannot buy.


My kids climbing the rocks at Devil's Tower in Wyoming.
They've learned to appreciate and love museums, day trips, picnics, festivals, hiking, and they have a tremendous love for the great outdoors - just like me. 


My daughter gazes into the Devil's Icebox at Rock Bridge Memorial State Park in Missouri.
When the kids were younger and I was flirting with the poverty line - something that plagued me for many years - I used to feel ashamed and guilty that I couldn't buy them all the things that their friends' parents did for their friends. Instead, I gave them what I could: experiences. 


My kids stop for a drink and a snack on our way back down from the top of Bear Butte in South Dakota.
Even though I can now afford to buy them things and take them to do things that cost money - and we do, do these things - we still strive to fill our lives with exciting and fun experiences done with a sense of adventure. Because you know what? A life filled with amazing experiences and adventure is infinitely a lot more fun. My kids look back on all those poor years as being fun and exciting because it was! 


My son walks on a trail in the forest of Neale Woods in Nebraska.
I give my children the gift of experiences whenever possible. Because of this, they love & respect nature, they think museums are cool, they love taking day trip adventures to explore where we live, and they think picnic sandwiches are the best sandwiches. 


My kids look out over the landscape from the top of the Loess Hills ridges in Waubonsie State Park in Iowa.

Life is short, and it isn't meant to be lived exclusively from a couch or a chair. You don't need to give your kids things. Things are material and don't last forever. Experiences, however, do last forever. My kids will never forget standing at the top of Black Elk Peak - the highest point in South Dakota and the highest point between the Rocky Mountains and the Pyrenees in France - and looking out over the world. For them, nothing I could ever give them would rival that amazing experience. Nothing.

Living Life in the Real World

Image courtesy of mpora.com

Recently, I've found that I am less and less interested in spending time on my phone perusing the various social media sites that I've made a large part of my life. When I look back on it, I've spent an inordinate amount of time over the years on social media. Most of that time has been spent on Facebook with Instagram, YouTube, and a game that I play taking up the rear. If it's not one of those, I'm just doing various things with other phone apps. It's like I almost couldn't bear to spend more than a few seconds away from my phone. Honestly, it was completely ridiculous and I dare say...an addiction.

I don't know if there was anything in particular that got me thinking I was done with it all, but it happened nonetheless. One day, I just didn't feel like wasting all of my free time staring and scrolling through status after status, story after story, meme after meme, and photo or video after photo or video. I deleted the Messenger app and my game and slowly moved away from using Facebook - although I have kept it, for now.

I do need to say a couple of things:

1. I'm not trying to make other people feel bad about using social media. These are just my personal reflections on myself, my life, and my own social media usage.

2. I feel that social media can be a great thing and, to that end, I still use it for all of my author-related things. I'm talking strictly my use as it pertains to my regular life.

Since I all but stopped using social media, I find myself spending my free time away from work actually getting things done that I need to get done. I'm enjoying hobbies that I haven't indulged in, in quite a long time, such as reading, watching documentaries and baking. I'm spending more quality time with my kids, making meals together, talking, and playing games.

What I've noticed most about cutting loose the strings that bound me to social media is just how present I feel in my own life now. I'm engaged, active, and free of the distractions that social media inadvertently give us. It's exactly the same effect that I experienced when I started uninstalling my social media apps during my vacations, but now I can live that way virtually all of the time. I do admit that it was kind of a weird thing to get used to, at first as I am so used to grabbing my phone to check social media that I still do it blindly. I'm sure that will pass with time.

Have a great weekend. I hope you do something fun and adventurous.

The Accidental Mentor

One of the resolutions I had for the new year was to really own my job and make it my own. For the first time in my working life, I feel like I have a career instead of a job, and I'm enjoying it. My boss is a busy man who can really frustrate me sometimes, but there are times when he really nails the whole boss thing. A moment recently drove that point home.
Unlike some bosses I've had in the past, he not only genuinely wants to see me succeed, he sees my potential and fully expects me to move upwards and outwards, if the case may be. We were having a conversation not long ago where I mentioned that there was a peer-led activity that I didn't go to (it wasn't mandatory) because I was busy and didn't want to take the time away from my tasks to attend. My boss, in his infinite wisdom, said, "Well, I'm not telling you what to do, but if I were you..." and then proceeded to list off some great reasons why I should've gone. I realized that all of his points were valid and made complete sense, so I proceeded to enter the next such meeting in my calendar.
Later that same day, he came out of his office to expand upon what he had said earlier. He told me that I should consider taking some courses in some things that he thought I displayed proficiency in and followed it with, "You should always strive to learn something new, especially in the modern career landscape." It was definitely fuel for thought. As I sat at home later that night, I digested all he told me earlier that day. I went to my computer and applied for entry to the local community college and was accepted the next day. When enrollment for the next quarter rolled around a few weeks later, I signed up for a course. 
When I finished my Bachelor's degree several years ago, I was also fresh out of three years of community college where I had been pursuing an associate degree in nursing. I figured out quickly that nursing was not the field for me and wrapped up the few things I needed to finish my B.A. in Religious Studies. When all was said and done, I was sick and tired of doing homework and my desire for higher education was squashed. I had young children and I was ready to just go back into the working realm. I was surprised, then, to find that at this point in my life, I am ready to learn again. I'm not even put off by the idea of doing homework. 
My boss has become my accidental mentor, inspiring me to do more...be more. I'm excited about a new direction in life, an unexpected one, and all the possibilities it holds. Thanks, Boss.
Class starts in March, wish me luck.

NYE Prix Fixe at Modern Love

Photo courtesy of Instagram/Modernloveomaha
Before we get too far away from the beginning of the new year, I want to share with you the fantastic NYE prix fixe meal I had at Modern Love. I follow Modern Love on a few social media sites, and when they announced this meal, I made reservations right away. I invited my friend, Rebecca, to join me and when NYE finally arrived, off we went to enjoy a much-anticipated dinner.



We started off by ordering a drink. We both got the Honee Ginger Wine Spritzer - a delightful concoction of apple honee, ginger juice, and prosecco - that we sipped on while we waited for our meals to come.



Here's the actual menu for the prix fixe dinner. Rebecca ordered the Eggplant & Olive Lasagna (which was fantastic in its own right) while I ordered this magnificent four-course meal.



I was excited for the first dish, Sausage Jambalaya, to arrive as I was ever so curious about the vegan egg. Just look at it! Isn't that amazing? The jambalaya itself was delicious, filled with fennel seitan sausage, topped with the vegan egg, and surrounded by cauliflower 'shrimp'.
On a side note, I ate just a few bites of the first courses then had them boxed up, or I wouldn't have had room for the main course.



Next up was the Dumpling Noodle Soup. Black-eyed peas and collard greens were perfectly balanced in a hearty broth filled with noodles. Nestled on the side were two delicious chive dumplings. Simply gorgeous and tasty.



The course that I saved my appetite for arrived looking exactly how I had hoped it would: crispy and mouth-watering. The Fried Tofu Chick'n batter was insanely crispy and the mashed potatoes with its simple White Pepper Gravy were a perfect complement to one another. On the side was Purple Coleslaw. While I'm not a coleslaw fan, as I hate soggy greens, this slaw was actually not soggy and the taste was right, so I ate a few bites. Rebecca loved it and took the rest home with her leftovers.



Originally, when I saw the menu online, they were going to serve Death by Chocolate Cheesecake, but I wasn't disappointed to see they were instead serving Raspberry Champagne Tiramisu. Delicate layers of champagne-soaked spongecake, coconut mascarpone, and raspberry coulis made for a heavenly dessert that I ate every last bite of.



After the meal was over, I took my glass of prosecco (which you could get before or after the meal) and languished in the euphoria that only comes from eating a divine and exquisite meal. Afterward, Rebecca and I made our way to our respective homes. I enjoyed a quiet evening, as both my children were gone, where I watched a movie, had a few drinks and rang in the new year feeling happy, thankful, and relaxed.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friends. 

An Overdue Trip to the Lone Star State

Welcome to Texas. ( ThinkStock / Getty )
Growing up, I was a product of divorce, my parents splitting up when I was four years old. I lived with my Dad in small-town Iowa where I had a typical, stable, happy life. My Mom moved around until she landed in Texas around forty years ago and has remained ever since. Her job did take her to Arkansas for a few years, but she kept her home in Texas and returned there when her stint in Arkansas was over.
While I did visit her a few times in Arkansas, I hadn't been to see her at her home in Texas since 2013 so I figured it was high time I go home to Texas for a visit. Since I have a nice long break from work every holiday season, I planned a five-day solo visit before the new year.



I arrived at the Austin airport on Thursday before noon. After a quick stop at the liquor store for Reunite and Irish Cream, we headed to Bastrop where my mom lives.



No trip to Mom's house would be complete without her homemade pizza. She makes the BEST crust and sauce. She made two crusts so I could make a veggie with no cheese. Just look at that beauty! It was so delicious. After supper, I walked next door where my grandma and my uncle live. While I had seen my mom and my grandma this summer in Missouri, I hadn't seen my uncle in twenty years, so it was nice to catch up.



The next day Mom had to work. Originally I was going to make the trip into Austin with her and just do some solo sightseeing while she worked, but since my uncle is retired, he offered to take me into Austin. He went to the gym while I did a bit of shopping, and then we went out for lunch. We made the drive over to Counter Culture where I had the Southern Baked Seitan with Classic Potato Salad and Jalapeno Cornbread.



After lunch we drove over to Mount Bonnell, one of two stops I wanted to make.



I walked the long flight of stone stairs to see this view of Austin and the Colorado River. 



After that, we drove over to McKinney Falls State Park. It wasn't the most exciting park I've ever been to, but it was something to do.
Mom and I were both tired that night and fell asleep early. The next day we took a long walk around the neighborhood, went to a family gathering with Mom's boyfriend's family, and did some karaoke at a Texas VFW where everyone can still smoke. I hadn't been in a bar you can smoke in for years and it kinda sucked.



The next day, we slept in then headed over to McKinney Roughs Nature Park, a small park outside of Bastrop. They had some really nice trails with great scenery. When we reached the top of this hill, we were treated to this view! Another gorgeous view of the Colorado River.



The walk in the valley next to the river was an Autumn dream.



Standing on large rocks in the Colorado River.


The next day Mom worked from home while I spent time with Grandma. I took her to her doctor's appointment, out to eat lunch, and then to pick up her medicine before heading back home. I visited with my mom after her workday was done before we both headed to bed early since we had to get up at one in the morning to get me to the airport in time to catch my 5 a.m. flight.
This was the first time since before I became a mom myself that I haven't been to visit my mom without at least one of my children. I enjoyed getting to spend some alone time with my mom, something I appreciate after getting to do the same with my dad over the last couple of years. Hopefully, I can get both kids down there this year sometime to visit. Until then, thanks for the memories, Texas. 

You Say you want some Resolutions?

Resolutions? Ha! The last thing I was going to do in the New Year was to make some resolutions. I mean, everyone makes resolutions this time of year. I should be making goals and sticking to them all year, right? Well, while I'm not wrong, I also decided that there is something renewing about the new year and that making a few goals wasn't a bad idea in the least. So, without further ado, here are the resolutions (i.e. goals) I want to accomplish or make headway with in the year 2020.
1. I want to faithfully write in my travel log. 
My travel log is a diary where I write about the trips and adventures I take. It's a fantastic way to relive the experiences I've had and to remember details and events about those experiences I might have otherwise forgotten.
2. I want to get back into a regular writing routine . 
When I was in my long depressive state, I didn't really write anything, including in my blog, and I'm eager to get back into my writing. I have a great book planned out, as well as some short stories, and I'll never finish them if I don't work on them. It took a long time to fully get back to myself and part of me is a writer.
3. I want to expand upon my health goals and make some big progress . 
There's a lot to unpack here. First, I want to be an ultra walker, with a goal of walking a marathon. I also want to climb my first 14er. In addition to these items, I want to: maintain my 100-miles-a-month goal, relegate drinking to a once in a while thing, and lose some weight. Last year was a net-zero weight loss and it's a bit frustrating. It's my fault, and it's not undoable, but I'm not letting another year of this go by. 
4. I want to really own my job and make it mine . 
You all know how I entered into a new position with my employer back in February of 2019. Well, it didn't come without some struggles. I took on a harder job with a whole bunch of new things to learn and some tears were shed and frustration was had. I had moments where I took things too personally. Well, I need to let more things fall off my shoulders and learn to conquer this job. It will make my life easier and show that I am right where I need to be. It's the first time I've really felt like I have an actual career and I want that feeling to stay.
5. I want to pay off most of my debts . 
Now, I don't have tons of debt, but enough that I seriously addressed it in 2019. My goal this year is to get everything but my student loans paid off. I'm already a good way there, but I still have a ways to go. Once I get those paid off, I'll be ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

Those are my main five goals for 2020. They are reasonable and easy to accomplish, so, wish me luck! What are your goals for this year? Let me know in the comments.

Out with the Old and in with the New

It's hard to believe it, yet here we are, firmly in the grasp of another new year. When 2019 began, I couldn't have been in a lower nor more miserable place. 2018 was harrowing and I felt hopelessness so deep and so pervasive, that I wasn't sure if things would ever turn around. I couldn't see a light at the end of that miserable tunnel and it was devastating. While I tried to see the positive in 2018, inside I was horribly depressed. Fortunately for me, the end of February was a turning point and in March, I slowly started bringing my life back together, albeit in a new way. Basically, the good came back to my life and I came out of the darkness shiny and new. I had grown, nee blossomed, into something greater than the sum of my parts.
Now, as 2020 dawns, I start it with a new sense of self, a new direction in my life, and with feelings of hope, contentment, happiness, confidence, and direction. 2020 will surely be my year, I can feel it. It's amazing to see how much difference a year makes. I started the year in the worst place and ended it in the best place, and, for that, I am eternally grateful. While the year started off horribly, so many great things happened:
1. I interviewed and was hired for a different position with my employer. I got a significant pay increase and my own office. If that wasn't great enough, I was fortunate to have another wonderful set of people to work with. I loved my crew in my old position and worried that I might not have that luck in the new position, but it all worked out well. Sure, I had a lot of new stuff to learn, but six months in and I really got the hang of it. 
2. I finally realized what the issues were that had plagued me all of 2018 and into the first few months of 2019. This was significant as knowing is half the battle. The other half was learning to deal with it all and bringing myself back to a better place. I did that but, to my surprise, I had learned a lot from the negativity and turned it all into positives. I'm a stronger, more patient, and more confident person who knows where they're going, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
3. I got to take some great trips this year: I took my yearly vacation out to South Dakota with my Dad, my kids, and my stepmom, and we had a wonderful time. We hiked up Bear Butte and Black Elk Peak, saw Devil's Tower and the Badlands, and generally had a fantastic trip. I flew out to Portland for what is my now yearly trip to see my best friend Lisa. We hiked, we ate, and we visited. It was wonderful.I flew down to Texas the day after Christmas and stayed until New Year's Eve morning. I got to spend time with my Mom, my Grandma, and my Uncle. Of course, good plant-based food and hiking were involved, because that's how all my trips go.I took some smaller trips, near and far, as well: Columbia, MO, to visit family; Missouri to go to the Kansas City Renaissance Festival; to Iowa for a quick visit with family; Lake Okoboji and Hawkeye Point; and some day trips to my beloved Iowa Mountains.4. I kept up with my 100-miles-a-month goal, making it 100 miles a month or better every month except for January and February. I ended up putting 1,247.89 miles on these feet, and a combined total of 2,085.97 miles since I started keeping track in April of 2018. 
5. I joined the Highpointers Club, making it a goal to climb the high point in each of the lower 48 states. I had already climbed South Dakota's high point (Black Elk Peak) by then and later made a day trip to Hawkeye Point to get Iowa's. I'm three-deep now, having climbed Arkansas's high point back in 2017.
6. I also decided to become an Ultra Walker and made a goal of walking a marathon.
7. I ended the year by having a fancy prix fixe meal at my favorite restaurant, Modern Love - I'll have a post dedicated to that later. Afterward, I came home to have some drinks and relax. When midnight struck, I opened my front door and let the new year in. It was a wonderful, peaceful way to ring in 2020. 
8. I finished my patch vest and started going to metal shows again, something I dearly missed. I also met Brian and through that connection embarked on another chapter in The Write Life: writing pieces for the local metal magazine, Slime&Grime.
9. Last, but not least, I really started writing again in earnest. I'm finally working on a new book, Buried, and revealed the cover for that recently.

2019 ended up being a great year and I'm excited about what 2020 has in store for me. Now, to work on those pesky resolutions! I'll be posting about that soon as well. Have a great New Year's Day and a great New Year. I hope 2020 will be the year that brings you closer to your hopes and dreams.
Much love, 
H.A.