Alastair Macartney's Blog, page 2

The Sisterhood Of Motherhood: Why You Need To Recruit Your Own Allies

The Sisterhood of Motherhood

A friend with a baby a few weeks older than my Finn pointed out to me the other day, that her son has been out of her belly longer than he was in it now.  What an astonishing fact this was to me.  How fast it all went by.  Yet, in the last 8 months my son has become such an integral part of my life, that it is hard to imagine what it was like before he arrived.  The bond we share truly did start when he was in the womb, and the never ending summersaults and kicks he completed during his confinement very much were an indication of the crazy little mover he would be “on the outside”.

However, Finn isn’t the only relationship which has grown over the past 8 months. I have entered into the Sisterhood of Motherhood.

I remember sitting in the meeting room of a local pub in a circle of people which alternated between round tummies and husbands sipping pints, as we discussed perineal massage and latching techniques.  But it wasn’t until we had all clumsily struggled, even in pairs, to put a nappy on a doll, that I knew that we were starting a journey together.

How to Recruit Allies

When faced with the often overwhelming task of becoming a parent I knew I would need help.  The amount of information one seems to need be “successful” is both never ending and often contradicting.  So I read the books and I asked the health care professionals.  I studied hardcore for the adventure I was about  to embark on.  However, as the months went on and my belly grew bigger, I still felt unprepared.  Living in a country with no family, and no close friends within a 2 hour drive, I knew I would need more help.

I needed allies.  I needed someone I could message at 2 am when my baby decided sleep was something other babies did.  I needed someone I could discuss baby led weaning recipes with when the 6 month point arrived.  I needed allies to share my highs and my lows of parenthood.  I needed someone in the same boat as me, or someone who had already survived it, and I needed them now.

The first step to recruiting allies, is getting over your ego and admitting you need them.  The truth is no matter the task at hand, you probably can do it alone.  But accepting that you can do it better, faster, and stay happier during the process if you had help is hard for us to swallow sometimes.

The next step is being an active recruiter.  You cannot sit back and hope that the right people will enter your life at the right time.  You have to find them.  You have to search for those that have already achieved what you are out to achieve, and those that are embarking upon the same goal as yourself.

The final step is to be brave.  You have to be outgoing, you have to feel awkward.  If you don’t feel like you are stepping out of your comfort zone you aren’t trying hard enough.  It can leave you feeling raw to open yourself up to other people during challenging times in your life, but guaranteed the payoff is worth the risk.

To recruit our parenting allies my husband and I signed up for local parenting classes.  We did not learn much at all from the instructor of the course, but I still learn something new every single day from the mothers I completed it with.  My allies.  My Sisterhood of Motherhood.

Why You Should Recruit Allies

Recruiting allies in an essential component to building a sturdy foundation from which we can grow safely, and confidently.  It is with a helping hand that we can accomplish anything.  Sure we will have our mishaps and small failures along the way, but if we can fall from those failures into a support network of allies then we will be lifted back up again in no time.  Lifted back up not only by their encouragement, but by the power it gives us to believe in ourselves, to know we are not alone.

The way I always envisioned it is there is this distinct line in the sand between parents and non-parents.  Before I became a mother I found other mothers intimidating.  How did they know how to do everything?  Did I miss some essential step in my development as a women where you become endowed with the knowledge of how to look after a baby with a cold, or adequately pack a diaper bag?

Once I entered into motherhood I discovered a secret society; the Sisterhood of Motherhood.  How do mothers know everything about having kids?  Because they learned it from another mom.  The sisterhood of motherhood is better than a whole library full of books, better than any google search you can perform.  It’s forgiving, it’s understanding, and often it’s hilarious.

How to be a Good Ally

What you put out into the world is sure to find its way back to you.  So remember to always be a good ally yourself.  Listen to what others are going through without judgement, and try to find the ways you can encourage.  That isn’t to say you must always pretend that others haven’t made mistakes, but rather than only focus on what has gone wrong try a “good news sandwich” technique for your delivery.  Find two aspects in which they have excelled, and use it to buffer the bad news, by delivering it in between.

Be available.  Time is often the greatest gift we can give as an ally.  Taking a new mother’s baby for a walk around the block so she can nap for an hour, is a better gift than any expensive choice off the baby registry.

There is no competitiveness or shaming in my group of allies, in my Sisterhood of Motherhood.  If you find that the people in your life are making you feel guilty or always trying to one-up you, you need to start over again at step one and recruit new allies.  Likewise, never make someone else feel this way.

My Success Story

I am not a perfect mother, but I am happy, my baby is healthy and contented, and I love our life together.  I owe a huge part of this to the Sisterhood of Motherhood.  To the allies I recruited.  To my own mother and to my sister in law, who have been through it all and lived to tell the tale, and taught me from their wealth of knowledge and experiences.  To the instant friends I have made all over the world, simply because we can bond over the camaraderie of both being mothers.  Including most recently, the lovely ladies of the South who helped me cope with leaving my son with a babysitter for the first time at a wedding we attended last week.  Finally, to the moms-to-be I met when they had babies in their bellies, who I have shared maternity leave with, messaged at all hours of the day and night, and who have raised healthy and contented little ones of their own.

There aren’t enough words in the world to express by gratitude to The Sisterhood, but I will start with thank you for helping me become a mother, its the best thing I have ever done with my life.

You

What about you? What’s your brotherhood or sisterhood? Whatever it is and wherever you are it’s worth it, so head out and make your allies.

Main photo by Patrick.

The post The Sisterhood Of Motherhood: Why You Need To Recruit Your Own Allies appeared first on Perfect Madness.

Imagine: A World Without Failure

Imagine.

Imagine a world without failure.

Imagine a world where you succeed. A world where success is what you do. Period.

Imagine a world not stifled by the fear of failure. A world where we’re not prevented from doing because we’re scared we might not get there. Imagine a world where failure is not an option.

Imagine: A World Without Failure

For years I dreamed about such a world. I longed for it. I was paralyzed within my self-inflicted normality with the fear of failing to succeed. What if I could just know I would succeed? If I knew it would work out, if I just knew I wouldn’t fail, there were countless things that I would do. Things that I REALLY wanted to do. Things that I had to do.

These things were important to me. I didn’t just want them. I REALLY wanted them. I had this burning fire, this need, consuming me. I wanted them so badly that I was scared. Petrified. I was scared I would fail in achieving them and that they would then be swept away forever like a piece of drift wood swirling within the immensity of an ocean. I was scared that I would never achieve. And so, by failing to take action, by failing to commit, by failing to address these challenges I had in my life, I failed to achieve.

But I would still imagine. I would keep the dream alive. I kept a dose of possibility stored somewhere knowing that maybe, one day, I would pluck up the courage and succeed. But, at the same time, I knew that I never would. I was scared of failing. And this fear, some of the largest fear that I’ve ever experienced (and I’ve experienced some pretty big fears), consumed me. Paralyzed me.

There I was, someone that achieved, that conquered. In other walks of life, in the more mundane, I succeeded. But, when it mattered, I cowered. I cowered to my fear. I was a leader, a team player, a motivator. People that knew me saw some of my accomplishments and successes. Yet what they saw was the outward projection of my character and not the true, hesitant, less-confident, semi-introverted individual. The one that was scared.

But I wasn’t just scared. It was worse. We all have fears. We’re all scared. But, for most of us, we pluck up the courage, stand up and face them. We know that life deals some tough challenges at times. And, when it happens, it may not be pleasant, but we stand up. We face them. We deal with them. But not me. I was cowering in the corner. The guy that jumps out of planes, off cliffs and flies wingsuits in the mountains. The guy with the successful career that cowers to no man. Yet I was cowering, to myself.

As I cowered, I would sit back and imagine. I would imagine a world without failure. I would imagine a world where I succeeded.

ReImagine

But then I would reimagine. I would reimagine my past, my accomplishments, my successes, my failures. I would reimagine what this new world would have meant for them.

I kept imagining. I kept reimagining.

I realized.

Realization

I realized that this dream world, this imagined world, could not possibly be a real world. It could not possibly be a world that I could live within. A world without failure is a world without color, a world without depth, a world without beauty. For to fail is but one of the joys in life. Without the possibility of failure we can’t have the elations of success as we overcome the obstacles stacked along our path. Suddenly, success would have no meaning and without meaning what, deep down, is life?

With this realization, with this reimagination, I battled my demons.

It wasn’t simple. This new found awakening didn’t suddenly make it easy. The mental anguish still appeared absolutely overwhelming at times. Yet, I started to pursue.

I veered off the track I was on, focussed my career differently, stepped outside of my own comfort zone and took the fork of the path that I, myself, wanted to take, not knowing where it would lead.

Failure

I hoped that, with this new found confidence, I would succeed. That I would achieve some of my life goals – the ones that I had been too scared to pursue before. I had escaped the paralysis of the fear of failure, but failure was still very much an option. An option that I still had immense fear of.

I’d love to conclude by saying that I succeeded. To report that once we break out of this paralysis, once we accept failure and accept that failing is ok, we remove it as a possibility. The reality, for me, wasn’t so.

I failed.

Possibilities

My dream was in tatters. At least, that’s what my imagination had shown me. Having failed, I had now eliminated that possibility from my life. Yet, after a few tough days with some detailed reflection and introverted analysis, I reached a new conclusion.

I had a new base line. A new line in the sand. By failing I had ruled something out. It might not have been exactly what I had planned for my life but, removing possibilities is just as important as opening up other possibilities. In fact, by failing, by closing the door, new horizons opened. I could now move on. I wouldn’t continue to spend my life wondering: “what if?”

Imagine.

Imagine a world without failure.

Or, instead, let’s redefine failure. Let’s remove the stigma that makes it weigh so heavily upon our shoulders.

Let’s reimagine. Let’s reimagine a world of experiments. Experiments that we create along our journey of life. Some experiments succeed – we get the results we wanted and planned for. Some experiments don’t follow the plan – perhaps we used to know these as failures. Now reimagine these experiments and the gifts they give. These experiments, these experiences provide us with life lessons, with building blocks. Sometimes they close possibilities, sometimes they open other possibilities. The outcome might be uncertain but the journey is certainly going to be a ride we don’t just want to take, it’s a ride we have to take.

Embrace the acceptance of failure.

Imagine. Re-imagine. Act.

Main photo by Trey Ratcliff showing Angkor Wat.

The post Imagine: A World Without Failure appeared first on Perfect Madness.

What An Extreme Athlete Learned From A Near Death Experience

What An Extreme Athlete Learned From A Near Death Experience

I had a Near Death Experience.

It’s scary. You face death. The Grim Reaper stands up, his scythe held high preparing to sweep down and take you to the after life. Then, somehow, in some way you don’t quite understand, in an instance you’re clutched from his grasp and returned to humanity.

My Near Death Experience was different to most. All Near Death Experiences are different – I understand that. They’re all extremely unique to the individual. But mine was still different.

Near Death Experiences normally involve the heart stopping, a catastrophic accident, a cardiac arrest. Mine was none of those.

I prefer to refer to it as a Certain Death Experience. I didn’t have a close call. I didn’t have a near miss. I knew, without any doubt whatsoever, that I was about to die. This was it. In a few seconds life would be over. It was too late to do anything about it. I was dead. And yet, somehow, I survived.

Many of the Near Death Experience enthusiasts (they refer to it as NDE) will say that I didn’t have a NDE. Maybe they’re right. Maybe this doesn’t fall into the technical NDE category (although I do have a decent score on the Greyson NDE scale). To me, that’s not important. It’s not important how we choose to categorize this occurrence. Maybe it’s a Near Death Experience, maybe it’s a Certain Death Experience, maybe it’s none of these. More importantly it’s about what happened and what can be learned from it.

The Experience

I was wingsuit BASE jumping in Switzerland (if you’re more interested in the risks and just thinking I’m crazy and had it coming – you might be right – then read this article about it; this post isn’t discuss any of those details). I was fairly current flying a line that went hard left from the exit allowing me to almost immediately connect (that means fly tightly) with the cliff face. This video shows a jump flying the left line.

In this instance I had decided to fly to the right, changing things up a bit.

The Jump

Heading right is a safe line to take but just not as exciting. I exited, flew for a bit and then decided to carve back left and over towards the landing area. So far the flight was uneventful. My jumps had been going well, without even the most minor of incidents and, while still flying, I decided to open up a little lower than normal – why not keep things exciting when everything had been going so well anyway?

I confidently passed through my regular opening altitude, cruised on a bit further and then initiated my deployment sequence. This is where it all went wrong.

The Miss

I had a missed pull. I was low. I needed to react fast. My heart rate increased. If I didn’t react immediately this would be certain death.

I had trained for this. I reacted instinctively. My arm came back out before retrying. I could feel the toggle of my pilot chute. It was there. My hand was in the right place. But I was feeling it through the fabric of the arm wing of my wingsuit. There was no possible way I could deploy my parachute in that configuration.

I felt panic start to creep in. I had passed through my regular opening altitude. My pull sequence had failed – twice. I was seconds from impact.

Certain Death

Everything slowed down. Actually, that’s not true. My mind accelerated. I was processing everything incredibly fast. The panic was seeping through yet I felt, somehow, at peace. I was being consumed by the moment.

At this point, I knew I was dead. It was too late. Nothing I could do would change that. I started to understand, as a feeling of peace, calmness and serenity washed over me. Interestingly, there was still an element of panic somewhere there despite this new found tranquility. I felt happy. I felt whole. I felt that I knew what life was about. I understood.

All of this happened in the space of about one second. Yet, I feel like I experienced this phase for minutes, or more. And then it happened.

It was then that I made my decision. I could accept my fate. I could succumb to this paradisiacal utopia, this bliss. Or I could choose to live.

That’s not quite true. I knew I was dead. But I could choose to try. I could choose to fight. I could choose to give everything I had despite knowing that it was hopeless.

The Fight

It was hopeless but I had nothing to lose. I chose to fight.

It was tough. These was a huge part of me that wanted to remain in this blissful peace. The tranquility was almost overwhelming. It took everything I had to fight, to withdraw from this trance. But I chose to fight and I was going to make it happen.

I kept trying. That sounds like a I fought for a long time. It felt like it. In truth it was probably less than a second. But I had made this conscious decision to fight and I was doing it.

I reached again. The toggle of my pilot chute was there. I pitched. The deployment sequence started. I knew it was too late. But I kept fighting. I kept flying hard – I knew the speed would give me lift, slowing my vertical descent rate and provide additional airspeed to increase the deployment speed.

I was fighting. Doing everything I could. I knew it was too late but I was going to fight for my life. I might get to line stretch but there was no way there was time for anything more. No time for the canopy fabric to actually inflate. I would impact at high speed. Maybe the deployment would slow me to a state where my body wouldn’t be totally obliterated. A skilled embalmer could piece me back together enough for my family to pay their last wishes without being permanently scarred by the sight of my severely mutilated corpse.

Smack. It happened. The canopy inflated. I felt it – bottom skin inflation quickly followed by top skin inflation.

Smack. I hit. I landed. I hadn’t had time to unzip the arms of my wingsuit. My canopy ride was short – seriously short.

My heart raced. This wasn’t a close call. This wasn’t one of those times when you almost got run over by a car or flew too tight to a ledge – one of those times when you had a near miss and the realization happens after the event. This was a certain death experience. I was dead. It was too late. Yet somehow I survived. Because I fought for it.

The Lessons

I’ve spent time reflecting on this certain death experience – it forces you to. Here are the 10 lessons I learned, most of which can be applied to everyday life:

1. Stick To The Plan

I had a plan but I didn’t stick to it. I changed the plan after exit, while flying, and went through my hard deck. This was a clearly thought out decision. There have been a number of good pilots that have died having changed their plan after exit. Flexibility is good but there are times to change a plan and times to stick to it. Know when they are and stick to them – no matter what. Decisions made in the moment don’t give you the opportunity for full consideration.

2. Risk

I had a personal hard deck – a height above the ground that I would be open by. This provides me with a margin for error. By flying through my hard deck I compromised this. I removed my safety margin yet had failed to eliminate the possibility of an error occurring – the margin was still required. I was negligent. The previous jumps had all gone well – 19 out of 20 were great. But that means that 1 in 20 might not be so great. That’s not good odds, particularly when the consequences can be catastrophic. I’m normally pretty good at mitigating risk. In this case, by not sticking to the plan, I hadn’t evaluated or understood the risks fully. If you’re going to do something that involves risk, make sure you understand it, mitigate it and accept it.

3. Rehearse

I had rehearsed a missed pull scenario many times. I had rehearsed a lot of scenarios. I had practiced with gear on, with it off. I had visualized – a lot. I knew the range of scenarios that I could face and had prepared for them. Not only did I understand what could go wrong and the actions I would need to take but I had rehearsed them enough to make them instinctive. When things go wrong, they often go wrong quickly and time is of the essence. Drilling these scenarios again and again and again and again had made them instinctive. In this instance, fractions of a second made the difference between life and death. If I hadn’t rehearsed so much I would certainly be dead. It doesn’t matter if you’re planning a business deal, driving to pick your kids up from school or about to leap off a mountain, work out what can go wrong, what actions you will need to take and then rehearse them, a lot.

4. Experience

I had a fair bit of experience when this happened with over 6,000 skydives and more than 500 BASE jumps. I was current. Yet I got complacent. I made a mistake. Experience really helps but it can also be an enemy. Know when it’s an asset and when it isn’t. Experience lets complacency slowly, gradually, seep into your mentality. You won’t realize it at first. Slowly, it will creep in further and further until it’s sitting comfortably within your routine. Then, without warning, it will jump up and bite. If you’re lucky it will be a gentle bite – maybe just dragging your ego down a few notches. If you’re unlucky it will be catastrophic. Develop self-awareness to know when you’re in this zone and take a step back. Understand your experience levels and hold complacency back.

5. It Can Happen To You

I was pretty good. I thought I was. Some friends had told me that too. I wasn’t one of those people that made serious mistakes. I was a good judge of my ability. Mistakes, errors, incidents all happen to other people. Or do they?

It happened to me. This incident, the incident that happens to other people less skilled, less current, less experienced, just happened to me. It doesn’t matter who you are or what it is, it can happen to you.

6. Fight

I chose to fight. I knew it was hopeless. It took everything I had to click out of the blissful utopian mental state of acceptance that was engulfing me. Somehow, I managed it – I don’t really know what I did to break out, but I did. I’d love to say it was mental toughness, agility, strength. The reality is, I don’t know. Probably none of those. But I broke out and I chose. I chose to fight. To continue to try. To try to succeed. To try to live. No matter how hard something is, no matter how much the odds are stacked against you, there’s still a chance. You can’t succeed if you don’t fight. Try. No matter what. Try. And fight like your life depends on it – one day it might.

7. Questioning

When your life flashes before your eyes (this didn’t actually happen to me but I think you get my point) you start to question. Are the risks worth it? Am I living the life I want to live? Am I setting the life priorities that I, not someone else, have chosen? These reflections on our past and future considerations shouldn’t need a Near Death Experience or other potentially life changing event. We should periodically be asking these questions, other questions, all sorts of questions. Question what you do, why you do it, who you are. Keep questioning.

8. Treasure

When you know that life could have just come to an abrupt end, you start to appreciate, you start to treasure. You treasure things you might not have before, that perhaps you overlooked, glossed over, in your every day busy life. Your senses increase, they heighten. You become aware. You become aware of the beauty of the grass swaying in the breeze, of the sweet rustling of the leaves rolling down the gutter, of the taste of the rain pattering outside (yes, you really can taste it). Embrace these moments in your life. Embrace all moments in your life. You might never experience them again. You might experience them many times over. It doesn’t matter. There’s beauty in everything. Embrace it now. Treasure it.

9. Breathe

Life, particularly in the western world, is busy. Often hectic. My certain death experience was busy. It was hectic. It happened fast. Yet, amongst it, I found peace and serenity. No matter how busy you are, how hectic your life is, how upside down it might seem, you can always find peace and serenity if you try hard enough. Breathe. Find yours.

10. Live Like It’s Your Last Day On Earth

You never know. It could be your last. It might not be. But it might be. Treat everyone with the respect you would if it were your last day – I write more about this in my latest book. Kiss your spouse, hold the door open for someone, call your parents and tell them you love them, donate to charity, take out the trash. Do the good deeds you wish you could do for people when you’re no longer here.

I’m lucky. I got a second chance. Maybe you’ll get a second chance – I hope so. Learn from my mistakes and avoid making such a catastrophic one yourself.

Good luck.

The post What An Extreme Athlete Learned From A Near Death Experience appeared first on Perfect Madness.

Three Google Searches That Will Change Your Life

Three Google Searches That Will Change Your Life

This day and age there’s so much out there, so much to do and so many adventures that we can go on. Use the internet to help. Try these three Google searches to help spice up your life and shake things up.

1: Your favorite hobby + local group

When we spend time doing the things we love, we are giving ourselves a gift.  We are investing in our happiness.  I absolutely love to wake-up and start everyday with a leisurely run.  When I say leisurely, I mean it.  Most days I barely break a sweat, but the time for myself, away from everything else, feeling the strong connection between my body and mind is priceless.  What if you could double, maybe even quadruple the positive effect of time doing what you love?  I challenge you to do this google search; type your favorite hobby, from running, reading, to yoga, followed by the words local groups.  When we recruit allies who share our passions, we not only are more likely to make time for them, because it’s scheduled into the agenda, but we can grow, learn, and truly dive into that passion with the help of others.

2: Your postcode/zipcode + local walks/hikes

Exploring the world around us awakens the adventurer spirit in us all.  I know we think we all know our neighborhoods like the back of our hands, but when I did this search I was shocked at the number of local walks I hadn’t stumbled across before.  In fact two of them have become my new “go-to” dog walks!  Living life like a tourist is a phenomenal way to feel like we our on vacation in our own back yard, and these walks are great ways to get some exercise in without even knowing you were doing it.

3: Issue you are passionate about +  Local charity

Helping others helps ourselves.  Its a simple equation; when we do good we feel good.  My husband covered this topic well in his post about the selfish side of charity.  So you love dogs, you are great with kids, or the plight of the homeless members of our society you pass on your commute to work concerns you.  Get involved now.  Don’t wait for that mythical time in life when everything slows down, you have the time now to be an active member of the charity of your choosing if you make it.

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The Art of Charming Perfect Madness

The Art of Charming Perfect Madness

What happens when you’re mad and charming? That’s what I wanted to know.

Actually, that’s what Jordan Harbinger wanted to know. He runs the Art of Charm – where ordinary guys become extraordinary men. For those of you that haven’t heard of him, he’s a former Wall Street lawyer, former radio host and now runs the Art of Charm podcast full time. That means he’s bright, clever and, with his art of charm background, knows how to get the most from you in an interview and to share the secrets of your trade – and that’s what he did.

Jordan interviewed me recently for his podcast and the episode has just gone live – you can listen to it here or just search for it in your podcast app. We cover a whole a bunch of great content and Jordan makes me really drill into the detail, sharing stuff that I haven’t properly articulated before.

We stick pretty heavily to theme of making the impossible possible. It’s something that is broadly covered in my book (you can pick up a copy exclusively on Amazon here) and will be covered in detail in my next book too. We get in to detail and I walk through my 6 pillars format.

Along the way we talk about:

Superman and what I learned from him.
Achievement and how it’s related to happiness (or isn’t related to happiness).
Embracing the crazy within you.
Why knowledge doesn’t equal power (despite many people saying the opposite) and what you need to add to it.
Dealing with haters, including the ones that you can’t remove from your life.

If finding your dream and achieving it is something that you want in your life then this might well be the episode that you want to listen to. I’m not just talking about regular dreams though. This is a structure not for those of you that want to 2X or 3X where you are now, it’s for bigger dreams and goals at the 10X level.

After we finished this episode we turned the tables and I interviewed Jordan for the up and coming Perfect Madness podcast – so watch this space for the release later on this year.

Of course, once you listen to this podcast the important part is to take action. There’s not much point in this if you don’t get up and do something about it. We finish the podcast with 5 steps you need to take to ensure you take action. In case you forget what they are, you can see them towards the end of the show notes page too. Incredible dreams require incredible acts so make sure you’re prepared for this journey.

I’d love to hear what you think of the episode so make sure you let me know – you can leave a comment here or get in touch on Twitter or Facebook.

Main photo by Kumar’s Edit.

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The 24 Hour No Complaints Challenge

The 24 Hour No Complaints Challenge

I found myself with a strong sense of deja vu the other day sitting crosse legged on a mat chatting to another mom while our babies played, complaining about a lack of sleep.  Not only had I just had a very similar conversation the day before at another baby group, I am pretty sure I used the exact same sentence again.  Verbatim.  The feeling of deja vu was quickly replaced by a sense of disgust.

Negativity Spiralling

Why was I sat there with only negativity to spew?  I have more blessings in my life than I can even count.  The most obvious of which at that moment was my son playing happily beside me.  So I don’t sleep, I have a baby, I am pretty sure even strangers passing us walking along the road could have guessed that fact.  Why then does it often feel like the most important topic in my life?  For that matter, why do the negative components of life seem to so easily take more weight on our minds?

Because we let them.

The mental affect of focusing on the negative, talking about the negative, and thus amplifying the negative in our minds, is termed negativity spiraling.  The truth about life, is that it will never be perfect.  But it’s through finding a way to love life even with its imperfections that we can be happy here and now.

No More Complaints

Venting at the end of the day to your spouse seems like a good way to let off steam.  But I often feel I am just giving power to those negative experiences, making them more significant in my life than they need to be.  So this past Monday I stopped the negativity dead in its tracks.  I took an oath to stop complaining for a 24 hour period and see how it affected my mental state.

You could have guessed the results; I was much happier at the end of the day than I had been in weeks!  The two greatest outcomes were:

I had to say something else – I realised how easily, and how quickly when someone asks you a question, or when you are in a casual conversation a complaint effervesces to your lips.  I had to stop myself, and replace it with a positive comment.  This took conversations in new and exciting directions, and left me feeling like the people I interacted with for the day enjoyed their time with me, however small.
I felt more satisfied – I can be a bit of a perfectionist, so it’s all too easy for me to beat myself up about what goes wrong, instead of give myself pats on the back for all I get right.  By not being able to complain to others, my entire mindset started to shift.  The negative started to lose its hold on me, and at the end of the day I smiled a sweet smile of satisfaction at all I had done, despite everything not going to plan.

The Next Step

I would love to challenge all our readers to a 24 hour No Complaint Challenge!  See what a simple change one day can do for your happiness levels!  I plan on trying a whole week, and seeing if I can even begin to remove the complaints from my internal dialogue.  My hope is to retrain my brain to focus on the positive.

Give it a go and please let us know how you get on.

Main photo by Vittorio Ferrari.

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5 Things The Spanish Do Well

5 Things The Spanish Do Well

There is a lot to be learned from different cultures. The western, English speaking community isn’t always the best at it though.

It can be easy to fall into the trap. Going somewhere but living the way we are used to living. Not seeing it like the locals see it, not experiencing what they experience, eating their food, drinking what they drink, experiencing life through their eyes.

Having just returned from Spain, a little up the coast from Barcelona, I thought I’d share five things that the Spanish do well:

1. Tapas

The Spanish are world famous for their tapas. But it’s not just the great range of food that eating tapas provides. Tapas isn’t just about the small portions, the variety, the range. That’s what the uncultured think it is. Tapas is far more. Tapas is a social activity that involves food. It’s about enjoyment, interaction, sociability. And it’s healthy too – small portions, eating slowly, digesting.

2. Boldness

With towns and villages full of colors and patterns, the Spanish are not afraid to be bold. They state who they are and they’re proud of it. They’re confident. It might be clothes, buildings, decor – you name it and you can find an example of their boldness.

3. Siestas

Siestas aren’t for the lazy. Quite the contrary – not only do they make you feel good but there is scientific proof that they’re good for your heart, reduce stress and improve alertness and memory. Most houses tend to have black out shutters to help you take that mid afternoon nap.

4. Relax

The Spanish don’t tend to be rushed. They do things in their own time. For those that aren’t used to this part of their culture it can be frustrating. But, once you understand it and accept it, you start to blend in and relax with them in their lower stress lives.

5. Responsible Drinking

Want a glass or two of wine at lunch time? That’s fine. After all, they tend to have long lunches. The Spanish tend to drink sociably and responsibly, not with the intention of just getting drunk. Follow their lead and you’ll fit right in, and enjoy it.

Main photo by Salome Chaussure.

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5 Reasons Travel Should Be Prescribed By Your Doctor

5 Reasons Travel Should Be Prescribed By Your Doctor

I honestly believe, it’s not a coincidence that my son and I both went away on our 2 week Easter Vacation with a cold, and came home as healthy as ever.  Travel is good for your mind, your body and your soul.  It awakens in all of us an adventurer’s spirit and a go-getter attitude.  Here are my top 5 reasons why traveling should be prescribed by your doctor next time you feel under the weather, or simply are not performing at your optimal, happiest self.

Variation in Diet

Unless you are one of those people who orders a hamburger and fries no matter what part of the world you find yourself in, when you travel you will inevitably have a change in your routine diet.  You won’t find jars of Skippy lining groceries stores in Spain, or flavored creamer for your coffees in Thailand.  Shaking it up is always a good thing, but especially when it comes to our diet.  Variation will provide the greatest range of nutrients to fuel our bodies.  The challenge to our norm will also introduce new foods which we can continue to incorporate at home!

Exercise in Disguise

Pounding the pavement in an attempt to see every cathedral, museum, and art gallery in a new city, does in fact count as exercise.  Likewise, exploring every hiking trail in a small Swiss Valley, will burn more than a few calories.  The best part about this adventurer’s form of exercise? You had no idea you were even doing it, you were too busy enjoying yourself.  I am all about exercise which is fun!

Gathering and Consolidating of Allies

If you are travelling with friends, boyfriend, or your spouse, you will have the opportunity to spend uninterrupted quality time together.  And you will undoubtedly strengthen your bond by experiencing new and thrilling adventures with each other.  If you are brave enough to challenge the soul to some solo travelling, you will be overcome with how much easier it is to interact with other travellers!  In few situations are people more gregarious than when on the road!

Stress Meter Restart

The value of taking a step back from the pressures of everyday life, and truly letting yourself unwind, has no price tag, but conveniently the cost of a vacation will provide it!  Even the strongest of individuals will feel the stressors in life build-up and wear them thin over time.  Life is too short to live with this burden.  Escape, restart, and recharge.

Changing Perspectives on Priorities in Life

While you are away, it’s the perfect time to take stock of where you are in life.  What are your priorities?  How do you spend your time between all the different aspects of your life?  Do you feel balanced?  Do you feel happy?  Are you stuck in a cycle of working towards the next goal, miserable in the now, only hoping to be happy later on?  Lay on the beach sipping your cocktail or hike through the wooded track, and take these questions and their answers with you.  Then when you insert yourself back into your life, you can make changes if need be.

Eating a nutritious varied diet, exercising regularly, and investing in our relationships and in ourselves, all lead to a healthy, happier, and more fulfilling life.  So why aren’t we taking a vacation more often?

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How Do You Stay In The World’s Most Dangerous Sport With A Kid On The Way?

How Do You Stay In The World’s Most Dangerous Sport With A Kid On The Way?

This post was originally published last year in Blue Skies Magazine. I wanted to write a post about risk. I kept coming back to this article and just had to share it here. It’s one of my favorite pieces I’ve written in a long time and it will shortly appear in the Huffington Post.

These are my reflections before the birth of my son, Finn (who is now almost 6 months old). My thoughts haven’t changed. Here goes…

Earlier this year my wife became pregnant with our first child. The adrenaline-fueled, carefree, happy-go-lucky mischief of perfect madness that I lived my life with will now have to change.

Or will it?

It was one thing being married to an amazing lady and having two fantastic dogs. There’s no way I could leave any of them behind. But facing the responsibilities of fatherhood is a huge step. Well, that’s not strictly true. If pulling a gainer from an antenna, performing a low freefall delay from a bridge, leaping from a building or flying a wingsuit in close proximity to a mountain ledge is a huge step then this is an ultra-immense, ginormously gargantuan step. But, at the same time, it’s an absolutely incredible step that I can’t wait for.

Life Changing

Having a child is a life-changing decision; that’s what they tell me. One that, once committed, you can’t change (I Googled it: It’s true). Sure, this is a choice my wife I made and there’s a nine-month adjustment period. But, believe me, that time flies super fast. As this goes to print my wife may actually be in labor.

A number of friends and family—both jumpers and non-jumpers—have asked me when I’m going to stop BASE jumping. Others didn’t even ask; they naturally assumed that I would quit. Somehow I’ve gotten close to these people—but I’ve failed. I’ve kept myself insular, failing to fully express to them my desires. More importantly though, I’ve failed to express my risk-management strategies so that they understand how I mitigate risks and reduce them to an acceptable level. If I can’t mitigate and manage the risks to an acceptable level then I don’t jump. Period.

So, for the record: I’m not giving up BASE jumping and I’m not giving up wingsuit BASE jumping.

Danger

With a kid on the way, how will I stay safe—or even just alive—in what is arguably the world’s most dangerous sport?

Whether we like it not, wingsuit BASE jumping is dangerous. Add in wingsuit proximity flying and you go off the scale. One tiny mistake can be fatal. But the same is true with driving a car, flying a plane, racing a motorbike and cycling along city streets. There are hundreds more examples.

Reckless attitude. Lack of experience. Incompetence. Whatever you’re doing, if you do it with these, you are likely to make a fatal mistake.

But, done correctly, all of these activities can be performed safely. Competence. Aptitude. Training. Experience.

It’s not just about the jump or the rush. It’s not just about survival. It’s not just about repeatability. It’s now about my family.

Danger Tolerance

My danger tolerance has never really been that high. Many people who know me would disagree; they think I undertake crazy stunts and that my madness is imperfect. In some ways I’ve reveled in this. I’ve smiled inwardly, knowing the truth. I’ve enjoyed appearing to be the rebellious risk taker who overcame tremendous odds, defeating the Grim Reaper at his own game.

The truth is quite different. Instead of being the avid risk taker they think I am, I’ve been an avid risk mitigator.

The mad, crazy, insane stunts that I seemingly undertake aren’t always what they seem. They’re calculated, with risks mitigated and minimized. On the sidelines, most people don’t get to see this. They miss the detailed planning and in-depth cognitive processing as all considerations are analyzed. They see only the execution, the Facebook post or YouTube video. They see these final productions and often don’t realize what it took to actually achieve them. Yet, to me, this combination of seeming insanity and risk minimization is absolutely and completely perfect madness.

Of course, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes along the way. Some of them have been incredibly stupid. I’ve overlooked risks. I’ve miscalculated. I’ve looked back up as I’ve gasped for air and wondered how I got away with that last jump. We all get it wrong at times.

But when it goes wrong I like to think I’m prepared. I know what to do when I have a 90 left, twists, a 180 or a missed pull. I’ve trained and practiced every single one of those scenarios. My actions are instinctual. While I will have reduced the risk of these things happening, I know that a risk still exists and, if and when it happens, I can react accordingly and fix the problem.

This is not about danger tolerance, it’s about risk management.

How Will I Change?

It’s no longer about the jump. It’s about being around, standing strong next to my son when he graduates high school, marries the girl (or boy, you never know!) of his dreams and makes his first million (or billion, you never know!). Critical thinking is required.

Almost three years ago I had a heavy landing. I still haven’t fully recovered and continue to spend my time bouncing between neurologists, urologists, psychologists and every other sort of ‘ologist you can imagine. I also have nerve pain. Pain has a funny way of focusing the mind. It hasn’t stopped me jumping but it has made me think.

During this I’ve spent time further understanding the risks that I take. I’ve already done the critical thinking that a BASE-jumping father-to-be would ordinarily be doing now. I’ve learned over time that the object will still be there tomorrow. If I’m not feeling it or the conditions aren’t within my personal limits then I climb down, to return another time.

Of course, we all know this. But, when you’ve hiked two hours to an exit point and the adrenaline is flowing, it’s a tough call to decide not to jump. I now have less of an urge, less of a desire to jump in unsuitable conditions. In relaxing my outlook in this way, I’ve become more cautious, more diligent in my approach to a jump.

Fatherhood will undoubtedly place more demands on my time and my ability to sneak out for a jump will probably diminish. Instead we plan to take family holidays to various jumping locations. My son will grow up watching me fly in the mountains.

The Dream

I have a dream. One day human flight will be normal. Anyone who wants to fly will be able to. My son will grow up seeing me fly, watching from the exit point, greeting me in the landing area and acting as ground crew. To him, human flight will be what normal people do. We’ll be able to share this experience as a family and perhaps, one day, we’ll fly together.

How will I stay in the world’s most dangerous sport with a kid on the way? I’ll continue to manage risk appropriately. It doesn’t matter whether you have children or not, every single one of us should be doing this anyway. Sometimes it takes the shake-up of an injury, a kid or other major life change for us to realize this and focus correctly.  It’s necessary for survival. And for me, that’s survival of my family.

Main photo shows me flying the left line at Monte Brento in Italy in my Tonysuit Jedei Wingsuit.

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3 Daily Happiness Habits

3 Daily Happiness Habits

I have always wanted to make sure that I was as happy a person as possible.  It’s so easy to lose sight of all the positive in life when times are tough, when you haven’t had a night of undisturbed sleep in 6 months, when you lose the patient you were working to save all week long, when you don’t get the marks you were hoping for on your exam paper.  I know I have been guilty in the past of letting the negativity take-over.  Of taking one negative experience and riding it down a into a dark negativity spiral.

Hitting the big 3-0 and becoming a mother, made me realize more than ever how crucial it is that I help my mind to focus on all the wonderful things in my life, and be the happiest me I can be.  I want to spread warmth to those around me, I want a giggly-smiley baby, because everytime he looks up to his mother’s face he sees a smile.

The truth is we cannot prevent the negative from creeping into our lives.  We also cannot live our lives always looking forward to a time when the negative is gone.  Instead the only way to stay happy in life, is to actively chose to be, no matter your current circumstances.  Below I want to share three simple tasks I undertake every day to grow my happiness.  Try them each for 21 days to make a happiness habit!

Three Gratitudes

Every night before I fall to sleep I bring to mind three new things I am grateful for.  It’s important to think of new gratitudes every day, otherwise we might fall into the trap of repeating the same ones. For example, I am thankful for my family, my health etc, and the point of the exercise is lost.  By cultivating gratitude you draw your mind to the wonderful in what might have just been an ordinary day, you choose to focus on the positive and leave the negative at the wayside, diminishing its significance.

Send a one line email

Choose someone in your life who’s day you want to brighten, then type up a quick one line email and send it their way.  It can be a message to a friend sharing how much you loved their cookie recipe, or to your mother reminding her how much you are looking forward to your upcoming visit.  No matter the details, the act of giving out, and making others feel better makes us feel better.  Our hearts get a happiness boost, and our relationships do too!

Exercise

I do not need to blab on about the millions of studies that prove the mental and physical health benefits of exercise.  But taking the time for you and your fitness everyday will make you a happier and more energetic person.  Believe me as a mother of a young baby, I know it can be hard to squeeze in a work-out.  Be creative, get off the bus stop a few stops early and walk 20 mins home, walk to your baby classes, bring your mat and do some yoga in your office during lunch.  Where there is a will there is a way!

Main photo by David Yu.

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