D.K. Sanz/Kyrian Lyndon's Blog, page 6

LOVE PAMELA CALLS OUT “FUNNY” GUY

“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them. Today, I will choose courage over comfort.”-  Brené Brown

In her memoir Love Pamela, Pamela Anderson talks about Tim Allen flashing her on the set of Home Improvement, the 90s sitcom in which he was the star. She claims that after he did it, he said they were even because he saw her nude in Playboy.

I saw a stupid comment saying there was no difference between her posing nude and him flashing her. Nope, seeing her nude would have been his choice. Seeing his junk wasn’t hers. It would be like someone at your office flashing you, like maybe your boss.

Tim Allen’s statement in response to the allegation is that he would never do such a thing, implying he knows how bad it is. Then we have a resurfaced clip that says, Here’s you, Tim, doing such a thing in front of another co-star, Patricia Richardson.

But this post isn’t about whether he did it. It’s about some of the fallout from that.

Tim Allen issued a typical narcissist’s response. He released a condescending statement maintaining that he and “everyone at ABC” has a problem with Pamela’s memory, and they are all disappointed in her. I find it hard to believe he’d polled everyone at ABC or that he speaks for them in condemning her, but it’s not enough to speak for himself. He has to bring in the reinforcement. He also refers to 55-year-old Pamela as a “girl.” You know, that young naïve girl with the memory problem.

Patricia Richardson, the woman in the resurfaced clip, says that when he flashed her, it was a joke, and she laughed.

Pamela Anderson also came to the rescue for Tim in saying it was his job to cross the line because he’s a comedienne. She said she holds no ill will toward him. Pamela was just uncomfortable, and it shouldn’t have happened. It was simply an example of things she had to contend with throughout her life.

That would likely be a trauma response because it was important enough for her to write about it. But traumatized people often do that. They try to make the culprit feel better about what he did because he’s upset. They laugh it off. They don’t want to make waves, get in trouble, or meet with disapproval. They try to be good sports. They play down what someone did for the sake of peace.

Frankly, I wish more people could learn about trauma responses rather than use them to justify inexcusable behavior.

It’s not anyone’s job to cross the line sexually, and flashing someone is not comedy. It’s not a joke. It’s sexual harassment, not unlike an unsolicited dick pic, and it makes the culprit a creepy perv for doing that when no one wants or asks you to.

Someone suggested that maybe he thought she’d find it funny and meant no harm. I get that some people are hoping for some innocent intent there. And perhaps it’s just me, but I can’t imagine that anyone would think doing that as a joke is harmless or okay. A power play, maybe. Lusting after someone and trying to get away with forcing her to see him exposed, probably.

Most women associate this type of behavior with being a kid or a young teen and being wary of the lurking stranger wearing a trench coat. We’d see the guy swing the trench open and quickly expose himself or masturbate, uncovered, in the driver’s seat of his car. It was so unfathomable that we frantically asked our friends if they had seen it. Is it me? Did you see that? Oh, my God! We could hardly believe it, even when the other person said they did see it, and you weren’t imagining the whole thing. In my childhood, it happened several times, and it was pretty traumatizing.

So, funny? A joke? No way.

Feature image (way at the top) by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

ONE TOPIC WE CAN ALL RELATE TO

While I’m certainly not a professional, I’ve dealt with my share of narcissism throughout my life. Unfortunately, many people have endured far worse than what I’ve experienced, and some have been damaged beyond repair. Whatever we can do to help others toward the light in the darkness can mean the difference between their giving up and holding on.

My primary theory is that malignant narcissism is at the heart of the world’s dysfunction. I’m convinced that we’re dealing with the chaos of the world’s trauma, shame, and pain. It’s the gift that keeps on giving—with the worst possible repercussions, and it spreads through the universe like a poison. I believe this suffering, which leads to more suffering, is a cycle we can break with recognition, empathy, and a genuine desire to change.

So, I write this from the heart.

THE NARCISSISTS AMONG US

As you likely already know, narcissistic abusers can be parents, lovers, siblings, friends, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, co-workers, employers, teachers, etc. Many of us are unwittingly drawn to them because of their familiarity. Awareness of malignant narcissism is critical since we have long-term contact with some of these people, which can amount to significant damage.

Reading and participating in narcissistic abuse recovery groups has taught me that there’s a difference between people with full-blown NPD and those who get “fleas” from narcissistic abuse—the latter having acquired the narcissistic abuser’s strategies and behaviors to cope and survive. There’s a spectrum, I believe, with varying degrees of impact. Some narcissistic abuse survivors don’t seem to exhibit any of the behavior they were subjected to, while others appear to have inherited every trace of it.

In short, while experiencing narcissistic abuse, we’re often dealing with a person’s trauma response to the abuse that they themselves experienced. Victims of narcissistic abuse can become so defensive that they, too, can become hurtful.

There was a time in my own life when despite the general empathy I had for others, my privileges made someone else’s struggle unrelatable to me. I took for granted that I had a good job and a career and that in my recovery from substance abuse, I wasn’t struggling. Relapse was not a temptation, let alone a threat. Many would say, well, you worked for those things. Yeah, I did, but the fact that I was able to shouldn’t have blinded me to the reality that it was hard and damn near impossible for those who didn’t have the advantages I had while growing up. My expectations of others at the time were unrealistically high, and I didn’t understand it when people fell short of meeting them.

I mentioned empathy a couple of times now because that’s an essential factor here. Empathy is what sets the recovering victim apart from a hopelessly disordered narcissist because it is empathy that makes us want to do better and play fair. We’re eventually willing to relinquish the narcissistic “payoffs” because we care about others. In my experience, I’ve found that as long as we have empathy for ourselves and others, we can rise above many of the character defects that burden us and make us a burden to others.

And to be fair, I’m not sure I’ve ever dealt with anyone who had a total lack of empathy, but they’re out there, and they’re dangerous.

NARCISSIST MOTIVATION

In my view, most narcissistic abusers do what they do out of insecurity, fear, and habit, and they can be oblivious to what’s causing them to act as they do.

These narcissists are ashamed of who they are, so they manufacture an image of who they want to be. That’s where the obsession with one’s self-image develops—and whatever the narcissist stands for becomes part of that façade. It becomes necessary for them to buy into and sell their superiority because, in the narcissist’s conscious or subconscious mind, there is no in-between when it comes to superiority and inferiority. Equal isn’t an option, and they don’t want anyone to see them as inferior. Damage control becomes a survival strategy and an automatic response to any threat to the ideology that comforts and, quite frankly, saves them.

In terms of fear, I think one thing narcissistic abusers often derive from their experiences is that there’s not enough of what’s good to go around, which may even be the case in their family environment. They then take that fear out into the world, believing, again—perhaps only subconsciously—that there’s a limited amount of love, attention, money, success, fame, and so on, no matter where they go. More for you means less for them; therefore, everything becomes a competition. With this mindset, it is difficult for them to genuinely support others and easy to fear that those “others” might succeed at their expense. You want them to root for you, but they’re more likely to sabotage you with discouragement and disinterest.

Perceived threats to a narcissistic abuser can be enviable traits, such as someone else’s popularity and influence, or even unenviable traits, such as an illness or disorder that another person may have to endure. People begin to pay more attention to the afflicted or popular ones, which can trigger an alarm for the narcissist. It compels them to redirect the attention they’re not getting so that the focus is back on them.

Sometimes, narcissistic abusers reject others simply for being different. There are circumstances where a child has mental or physical health issues, and a narcissistic individual will perceive that as shameful because they think it reflects negatively on them, or they see it as a weakness from which they must distance themselves. Sometimes, parents or relatives deny the problem or blame the child rather than support them. To a narcissist, that behavior is an affront to them. The main concern is, What will people think?

That was typical behavior hundreds of years ago—the result of clinical ignorance and/or superstition of the times, but it hasn’t entirely vanished all these years later, despite our society having a better understanding of these issues today.

For a dysfunctional narcissist, everyone in their family and circle of friends must be normal by their standards. Every member of their family or circle must also validate and reinforce whatever they think, say, and do in order to nurture the notion that their perception is always accurate. That’s crucial to them because their deepest fear is, if they are wrong about that, what else are they wrong about? And can they possibly be wrong about everything they believed to be true? They may not be ready to examine any of those possibilities.

Narcissistic abusers withhold support, validation, admiration, attention, and approval from those they perceive as threats or competition or anyone who challenges the reality they’ve constructed. They reject, bully, intimidate, humiliate, and kick perceived enemies when they’re down. These heartbreaking actions can crush a person’s spirit and leave them with paralyzing trauma and fear. Malignant narcissists often demonize someone because they don’t have the same power over that person that they so expertly wield over others.

Character assassination is most definitely in the narcissistic abuser’s wheelhouse, and they excel at it. They rewrite history, spin false narratives, mischaracterize, mock, and blame their chosen targets. There will be people within the narcissist’s social group playing both sides, as well, which becomes a never-ending drama. Too often, people want to be on the side they figure is winning, more popular, or simply more rewarding. They may even fear the narcissist and remain loyal rather than become another target. As victims of narcissistic abuse, we may also feel a sense of loyalty to the abusers, and we may wish to protect them. Denial becomes a method of survival for us, too. It doesn’t help that narcissistic abusers can be charming. We may find them so lovable and irresistible that we’re desperate to be wrong about them.

Nor does it help that none of us are perfect people, unwittingly allowing abusers to bring out the worst in us. When dealing with manipulative behavior, we sometimes make a bad situation worse with our reactions or simply by tripping over our own flaws and insecurities, thus taking the bait. (If I had a dollar for every ridiculous thing I’ve said in those circumstances—well, you get the idea.)

Sadly, too, we often genuinely love a narcissistic abuser and hope we can help them. It’s wise to remember that people who want to recover will do the work required to repair themselves. People who are not aspiring to change may not be willing or ready to examine themselves, acknowledge their mistakes, take responsibility, and begin the process of learning, growing, and healing. If they are not there yet, and you confront their behavior, they’ll likely act as if your question or statement is shocking, offensive, or absurd, and they’ll think you’re the one with the problem. The moment you put them on the defensive, it becomes even more critical to discredit you to themselves and their circle of family and friends.

It won’t matter what you say to them or how kind you are; your words will not move a narcissist who isn’t ready to change. You think you can meet them halfway, but if believing you, understanding you, and finding a way to co-exist peacefully with you doesn’t work with their agenda, they don’t compromise. Even if they care about and respect you, the extent to which they care has to be greater than their need to be perceived in the most flattering light.

The payoff they’ve gotten from selling their narrative is a lot to give up because they’d have to be willing to risk losing the false alter ego they created to survive. It’s easier for them to dehumanize a perceived enemy and rationalize that this person deserves their retaliation, no matter how vicious it is. They can’t afford to put themselves in your place and understand your emotional pain or see how they may be the ones who caused it.

Narcissistic abusers may call you selfish if you end the relationship or leave their group because they don’t realize what they’re asking you to do is tolerate their constant disrespect and abuse. But that’s okay. Those in their corner will agree with them that you’re selfish, and that’s okay, too. Maybe someday, they will be able to see things objectively, but don’t confuse someone you can save with someone you need to save yourself from.

IMPACT, SURVIVAL, AND CHANGE

I mentioned bullying above because bullying is a form of narcissistic abuse and can be debilitating for targets who are deeply connected to their emotions. These people may be strong in most situations, but bullying distorts their self-perception and leads to kindhearted people becoming more sensitive and insecure—often hating themselves. People don’t necessarily realize it when they contribute to the erosion of a child’s self-worth, but kids pay attention to how people treat them, and they get the message loud and clear. Abusers intentionally or unintentionally break our wings so that when we don’t fly, they can say they knew we never would or that we might have succeeded if only we’d listened to them.

Sadly, most of us already have an underlying fear that people won’t love us for who we are, which, through suffering from narcissistic abuse, gets distorted into the notion that no one will ever love us—period. That’s often one of the things people fear most in life, a fate worse even than death, and many young people out there are killing themselves for that. They fight to cope with one trauma after another until they reach a breaking point and can’t cope anymore, and then they shut down. The message is I’ve had enough; I can’t do this anymore. I’m out.

Often, when people feel that desperation, getting beyond thoughts of suicide is only the first hurdle. From there, it’s a long haul to reclaim themselves and their capacity to love.

That’s right. Our ability to love genuinely is also affected. We ask ourselves, What’s wrong with me? We can’t fix it or explain it, and we can’t stop it. We sometimes imagine we’re crazy or going crazy. We get completely lost and unsure about many things. Underneath it is a chronic sadness that never really subsides, and shame overwhelms us.

Awareness and acceptance are the first steps to most self-help, and that’s very much the case here. It takes time and requires ongoing self-maintenance, but we are generally more powerful than the obstacles that derail us. In this instance, I’m not talking about chemical imbalances or illnesses beyond anyone’s control; I’m talking about things that are beyond our control simply because we didn’t understand them at the time.

I advocate awareness because it’s easy for people to use our idiosyncrasies against us. Longtime endurance of narcissistic abuse leads us to question our judgment and sometimes acts to prove that the negative assessment of ourselves is correct. We may be attractive, intelligent, talented, or whatever, yet we fear we are inferior and unworthy of love and success because the people we want to love us—the narcissistic abusers—are incapable of genuine love. And if we are the reminder of their shame, they fear us as much as they fear the true selves they’ve buried deep.

We become more understanding as we become more aware. We learn to examine our actions and motives and not fear what we find. Again, we don’t have to be perfect, and none of us are. More important is the desire to recognize and correct hurtful behavior as we move forward.

When we choose to break the cycle, we learn to spot trouble from the get-go and avoid it. Even better, narcissistic abusers will tend to keep their distance because they’ll realize they’re not able to manipulate and control us.

The good news is we are always healing, as individuals, as friends, as a family, as a nation, and as a planet.  As part of that process, we continue to expand our consciousness, and we wake up every day one step closer to who we are meant to be—the best person we can be under our everyday circumstances.

Note:

This blog contains numerous excerpts from my forthcoming memoir, Grateful to Be Alive.

BOOK DETAILS: Grateful to Be Alive:My Road to Recovery from AddictionBy D.K. Sanz

Do unsettling truths bring harsh judgment? They do, but the price of denial is steep.

D.K. Sanz’s storybegins in the drug-infested New York City streets of Woodside, Queens, during the tumultuous HIV/AIDS pandemic of the 80s and 90s. It offers a glimpse into how a now often-overlooked pandemic impacted Sanz’s nuclear family. 

From her earliest days, Sanz was the easily forgotten stranger, always a little out of sync with the rest of the world—a tough but naive kid and aspiring writer.  Her triumph over illness and addiction includes amusing anecdotes and nostalgic, heartwarming memories.

Grateful to be Alive delves deep into Sanz’s confessional self-sabotage, self-destruction, and the harrowing downward spiral she almost didn’t survive. Her never-before-told story ranges from recklessness and impudence to empathy, forgiveness, and love.

D.K. Sanz has since published several books, primarily poetry but also a novel, and she continues to work on sequels and an all-new fantasy series. You’ll find some of her poetry at the end of this book.

Whether struggling or not, you will find Grateful to Be Alive is a story of hope, of defying insurmountable odds, finding joy, and a gradual transition toward authenticity and becoming the person Sanz always wanted to be.

First ARC copy review:

“When you begin this book, you will not put it down. You will immediately be drawn into Sanz’s bold narrative of a woman, throughout her life, passing through “every forbidden door,” as she says of herself. It is a book of continual growth through experience, defeat, and triumph. The prose is swift, concise, full of irony, truth, and poise. You will not find a more startling, revealing memoir. Highly, highly recommended.” ~ J.T. Masters

If you are interested in obtaining an ARC copy, please e-mail me at dksanz@yahoo.com.

Photo credits:

Feature photo of narcissist shadow image by Thanks for your Likes from Pixabay 

Spirit nightmare dream image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

Blindfolded woman in mirror image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay 

Man in mysterious whisper image by Sam Williams from Pixabay

Dove/hands/peace/freedom image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT PAST LIVES?

When my son was little, sitting on his bed, he began a conversation with, “In my other life …”

I waited, but he stopped.

“In your other life, what?” I asked him.

“What?” he said.

“What about your other life?”

It confused him, and he didn’t remember saying what he said.

Life seems to be full of “strange” incidents of that nature.

Many people relate to feeling homesick for a place they can only vaguely remember, and sometimes they can’t even remember it exactly, but they’re aware of it. Either way, they feel an aching, a longing they don’t quite understand.

Some people believe their partner is someone they’ve fallen in love with many times throughout the centuries, and they always manage to find each other. Others think they’ve continually searched for their twin flames and soulmates through one life after another. Or that they are born into this life with unfinished business. Then, of course, there are those déjà vu moments that don’t make any sense.

In my experience, the twin flames and soulmates seem about right, as does the unfinished business and weird déjà vu. So, I can’t discount any of the other stuff. 

I read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse when I was in my early twenties. You may know the book presents reincarnation as a necessary part of life. Over time, I’d also read a few suspenseful books that dealt with the same subject—Max Ehrlich’s The Reincarnation of Peter Proud and Frank De Felitta’s Audrey Rose. Both books have film versions, and Audrey Rose was supposedly a true story.

A friend of mine recently recommended Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss, M.D., which gives a therapist’s account of his sessions with a patient who eerily recalled past lives. Evidently, Dr. Weiss was pretty skeptical about the whole subject and ultimately became convinced by what he’d heard, so I look forward to reading that.

It’s fascinating stuff. The idea that we continually evolve has always made sense to me, and I could embrace the fact that it takes place over many lifetimes. Is the goal to get it right finally? And then what? Those are things I like to explore.

In making sense of the “continual evolving” theory, here’s what I’ve noticed.

We have people who can throw another human being in front of a train without conscience. We have people who can be oppressive and hateful. In the first instance, some will say that’s just someone who is mentally ill. But you can say that about many serial killers, too. Most people with mental illness don’t do things like that and wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. In fact, I believe people have to reach a level of depth before they even suspect there’s a mental problem or disorder they need to confront. They already know how life is supposed to be and are trying to cope. The others don’t seem to know or care how they should treat each other and behave.

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who can’t even begin to comprehend that everyone deserves rights, dignity, and respect? Yeah.

Once I half-jokingly said to my son, “Maybe those people are here for the first time. You know, like when somebody is incredibly incompetent, and you think, first day?” It’s also similar to when we consider that a person who is so very young has a brain that’s still developing. (My son doesn’t like this theory for those I described above because he thinks it provides an excuse for people whose actions should never be justified.)

It may be an explanation, never a justification.

But I can’t say whether these people are in their first lives or not. Nor can I proclaim with certainty that I’ve had more than one life, but I can say that, in this particular life, I’ve learned so much, and I’m still learning.

The little jolts I’ve had, the moments of wondering if I’d been here before—well, I saved them for last because I’m still not sure it amounts to much.

There’s the fire thing. As a kid, I sprang into action to put out a fire that started in my sister’s room. Everyone had been asleep, but I was on it before others could fully awaken and realize what was happening. It happened two other times when I was a decade or so older. Once, someone had left candles unattended, and I, practically naked, leaped out of bed like Superman with the tall buildings and all, and it was actually quite funny. My boyfriend at the time laughed heartily, but I snuffed those flames out in a heartbeat.

Yes, I know, people put out fires all the time, especially firefighters. Many act quickly in a crisis. What strikes me is the feeling I’d get whenever faced with that situation. I had a fear of fire. It was an instant threat to me, signaling a violent urgency, but there was no fear or panic when I confronted it, only action.

Another time, while still a kid, I realized, during a crisis, that a person would not survive if I took one action instead of another. I had no way of knowing that, but I turned out to be right, and someone lived to see another day.

Many people would say, in both instances, it was God. Okay. I lack the evidence to dispute that, but obviously, there’s a lot of food for thought, as they say.

In childhood, I had a cousin about six years older than me. We hardly saw each other, but whenever we did, we couldn’t help feeling we’d always known each other. He was always incredibly familiar to me, and we talked as if we’d been friends forever. Again, it was about the feelings, not so much the idea, where you can say, so you just connected, okay, no big deal.

My conclusion is that I lean toward believing in reincarnation and will continue to look for more evidence of that.

In her memoir, Finding Me, the outstanding actress, Viola Davis, revealed her conversation with actor Will Smith. He’d asked her who she was (down deep) and admitted that he himself had been stuck in a place of childhood trauma. It helped her to realize where she was stuck, and, in reading that, I instantly knew what that place was for me. I’m not there anymore, but I was for many years. 

Viola and Will were talking about this lifetime, but isn’t it possible that people can get stuck in a place that has nothing to do with this life? Hmm …

If there is truth to these theories, we have more power than we realize, and hopefully, the end game is to promote an agenda of love over hate. 

Yes, maybe it’s that simple: love wins. 

Image by more photos boosty.to/victoria_art_music from Pixabay 

Feature image at the top by Karin Henseler from Pixabay 

GRATEFUL TO CELEBRATE 27 YEARS OF SOBRIETY

You don’t have to be a lampshade-wearing drunk or fighting barroom drunk for drinking to be a potential problem. However, there was a time when I figured just backing off street drugs was the end of that forbidden road. I continued to drink alcohol—mainly a glass of champagne on birthdays or holidays.

Yes, well—abstaining from one drug and not another may work for some people, but I realized 27 years ago that it wouldn’t work for me. That’s when I decided I might as well stop drinking, too, and adhere to the twelve-step program.

It was only the beginning of my surrender.

In my first decade of sobriety, I didn’t fully understand why people said it’s “one day at a time” to infinity and beyond. If you’re not abusing alcohol or any other substance and haven’t even come close to relapsing in all these years, you’re good, right? You’ve got this. But that’s not how it works. Addiction, I learned, is a disease of the body, mind, and spirit, and emotional sobriety while abstaining is also ongoing one day at a time. 

On the emotional end, it’s been referred to as the “disease of the attitudes.” Still, I have to say most of us who’ve resorted to substance abuse come into recovery with fleas from narcissistic abuse, usually from people who were also living the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. On top of all that, many of us are trauma survivors who’ve dealt with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse—quite often all of those things.

Under these circumstances, we’ve co-opted the shame-based coping and survival skills of our abusers. They are skills that have kept us alive and emotionally intact while also putting us at significant risk over and over again. So, we’ve been wandering around doing things we weren’t aware of to block out the pain or create a pacifying illusion of safety. On some level of our consciousness, our needs seemed urgent, making us unusually vulnerable. We craved attention, validation, and praise, and that was another drug, a temporary fix whenever someone complied. It doesn’t work for long because, as with any other drug, the euphoria fades, and you remember the pain and torture of what you genuinely fear—that you’re not special or that no one loves or cares about you. Hence, we crave one fix after another.

We convince ourselves that certain relationships are about selflessness and love when they are more often tainted by our dysfunction. We may love people the best way we can, but it’s only as genuine as we are.

Whatever the deal is, addiction is an obsession. In its active state, it impairs our judgment and clouds our perception. It robs us of clarity which only returns and continues to improve with consistent physical and emotional sobriety. Meanwhile, the pressing urges of codependency will consistently override any willingness to be authentic. 

Addicts, for the most part, in our lifelong frenzy, attempting to survive the madness, may become con artists. Often, too, we lack empathy. We are self-obsessed and often unable to put ourselves in someone else’s place. We’ve lost the connection where we assimilate what others are experiencing. 

Without realizing it, we may become bullies with an eye out for any perceived threat, frequently compelled to do damage control. We’re fiercely determined to preserve our delusions and denials and protect our “secrets.” We attempt to control everything, including how others perceive us. So, drama is very much a part of our lives—waiting for the other shoe to drop, dreading it when the phone rings, an automatic response of, what now? And we don’t hold ourselves accountable for our actions. Instead of learning from our mistakes, we make excuses.

Despite having developed a shaky trust in others, we still trust the wrong people at times because those types are familiar to us. We form toxic relationships that can put us or keep us in dangerous situations with severe consequences. People inclined to use our fragility against us instinctively take advantage, and we will unintentionally draw them to us. Sometimes, they suffer from the same affliction, and their desperation is so great that they can’t discern beyond it. Neither can we.

The point is, we can abstain and still be a hot mess. When we come to our moment of surrender, we are broken and, yes, quite fragile in our vulnerability. Our self-esteem has been gutted. We feel unworthy of anything good. We lack the tools or coping skills for dealing with life on life’s terms. There continues to be unrelenting self-sabotage and self-loathing.

It’s a long road for us, and guilt continued to assuage me for many, many years. I cringed, embarrassed, remembering things I said or did, and it was hard for me to find any empathy for the person I was. My dearest friend, whom I’ve known for decades, reminded me not to be so hard on myself. “That girl was just trying to survive,” she said.

It’s hard to believe that merely trying to survive can be so catastrophic, but we’re not perfect. We struggle, and if we continue to put in the effort to become the best people we can be, we never stop getting better. The most important thing to me is continual recovery in every regard. As long as we’re still here, we have a chance to fight for our lives. I’ll never stop fighting, and I’m always grateful for another day to awaken and thrive.

This writing is an unedited excerpt from my new memoir, Grateful to Be Alive. For more details about the book, please read on.

Book description: 

Grateful to Be Alive

My Road to Recovery from Addiction

by D.K. Sanz

Do unsettling truths bring harsh judgment? They do, but the price of denial is steep.

D.K. Sanz’s story begins in the drug-infested New York City streets of Woodside, Queens, during the tumultuous HIV/AIDS pandemic of the 80s and 90s. It offers a glimpse into how a now often-overlooked pandemic impacted Sanz’s nuclear family. 

From her earliest days, D.K. was the easily forgotten stranger, always a little out of sync with the rest of the world—a tough but naïve kid and aspiring writer. Her triumph over illness and addiction includes amusing anecdotes and nostalgic, heartwarming memories.

Grateful to be Alive delves deep into Sanz’s confessional self-sabotage, self-destruction, and the harrowing downward spiral she almost didn’t survive. Her never-before-told story ranges from recklessness and impudence to empathy, forgiveness, and love.

D.K. has since published several books, primarily poetry but also a novel, and she continues to work on sequels and an all-new fantasy series. You’ll find some of her poetry at the end of this book.

Whether struggling or not, you will find Grateful to Be Alive is a story of hope, defying insurmountable odds, finding joy, and a gradual transition toward authenticity and becoming the person D.K. always wanted to be.

ARC Copies

For those unfamiliar, an ARC is an advanced reader copy provided before publication. Each recipient of an ARC intends to read and review the book. Reviews can be anywhere from one sentence to three or four paragraphs. Ideally, they should appear on Amazon and Goodreads the day the book comes out, likely in February. (I will notify you of the release date.) If it’s posted after that date, the sooner, the better, of course, but days or months later is still good. In other words, there is no rush.

Once given an ARC, you are under no obligation to read or review the book, but, at the same time, you wouldn’t want to request an ARC copy if that’s not your initial intention. In other words, if reading the book causes you to change your mind for any reason, there are no consequences, legal or otherwise.

ARCs are free. Currently, I have them available in Word or PDF formats. Eventually, they will be available on Kindle.

Reviews by ARC readers are posted on Amazon and, hopefully, Goodreads if the recipient has a Goodreads account.

ARC readers, unlike beta readers, are not expected to provide feedback to the author besides the public review, but feedback is certainly welcome.

To apply for an ARC, please e-mail me at dksanz@yahoo.com and answer the following questions:

1) Are you familiar with the author’s work? (Just curious, it’s okay if you’re not.)

2) Have you ever reviewed a book by this author?

3) Please briefly explain why this particular book would interest you.

4) Have you reviewed books or products before this request?

5) Do you have an Amazon account?

6) Do you have a Goodreads account?

Unfortunately, I may not be able to accommodate every request, but I thank you in advance for your interest.

SOME GREAT BOOKS I’VE READ THIS YEAR 😊

“You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture.
Just get people to stop reading them.” – Ray Bradbury

I promised a few people I would blog about my year in reading.

My Goodreads goal was 52 books in 2022. Goodreads gives me credit here for having read 53 when last I checked, but I’m at 54 now. It takes them a bit to catch up. Most of the books are psychological thrillers, but there are a few other genres.

Here are the books I gave a five-star review:

Obviously, my favorite author of the year is Freida McFadden. There are many I’ve come to love, and Carrie Magillen is also at the top of that list.

I’ll post just a couple of my reviews.

This is the second book I’ve read by this author. The first, When He’s Not Here, I rated five stars.

Now, this one, I wasn’t sure what I’d rate it for a couple of reasons. First, I figured out exactly what would happen when I was about halfway through. (I wonder if that’s to my credit or if others would figure it out just as easily). Then again, is that so bad?

Second, the story deals with narcissistic and domestic abuse and gets into so much detail at a couple of pivotal moments that it almost seems to turn from fiction to non-fiction. Those subjects are important, though. I was into it, and, as far as I’m concerned, the more awareness created, the better.

The writing itself was beautiful, especially her descriptions of the surroundings. The story was riveting, and I couldn’t put it down. I read it all in just two days, and despite my figuring out the upcoming twists, the way she executed it was brilliant. So, near the end, I thought, hmm, should I give her a four or a five? Then I read the last few pages and HAD to give it a five. Well done! 

*****

Bloody brilliant! And I never say bloody anything. As disturbing and unsettling as it was in general, it was a well-written page turner, so cleverly constructed. I’m thirsty for more. 

A few words…

According to the literary statistics, 2022 has been a banner year for reading all around. That makes me happy not only because I’m a writer marketing books but because it’s a joy I want everyone to experience. For me, it’s been one of life’s greatest treasures, a passion I’ve felt privileged to have.

I have fond memories of trekking to the library with friends as a kid. On the way back, we bought french fries from the fish market, ate them along the way, and then settled on my stoop to read. It started with the Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, and Pinocchio, all so thrilling and magical.

I looked forward to ordering books during the school book sales. Narrowing it down to the books I wanted most was tough since my list was so long. On the day they arrived, the teacher arranged them in front of the classroom for all to see, and they were just beautiful with their gorgeous covers. I couldn’t wait! Then, holding the new books in my hands! It was a feeling I find hard to describe.

My English teacher introduced us to classics like Nicholas and Alexandria in high school. He took us to see A Christmas Carol at Radio City Music Hall, where my love for Charles Dickens began. I went on to Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice with a burgeoning passion for 19th-century British literature. I loved gothic settings, too, time travel, and the days of the Roman Empire.

The truth is, no matter what you read, it’s bound to be good for you, and it’s easy when you find the genres and authors you love. In fact, like meditation or a day at the spa, reading is one of many ways to practice self-love. It takes you out of your world and into someone else’s mind, heart, and universe. You get comfortable in your favorite reading spot by the fire or under the covers. You relax with a book or even your phone. (I’m always reading on my iPhone Kindle.) You cast any troubles aside and simply surrender. It’s “you” time.

“What better occupation, really, than to spend the evening at the fireside with a book, with the wind beating on the windows and the lamp burning bright.” – Gustave Flaubert

For me, that escape to another time and place, learning about different people and things, is a lot of fun, like traveling in your mind. Whether you’re a writer or not, the stories inspire you. It’s good for the brain, warding off cognitive decline, and it often helps me fall asleep!

Back in my school days, teachers would tell us we could increase our vocabulary by looking up words we didn’t know. That’s true as well.

And one of the best things about reading is the opportunity to empathize, even in a fictional situation.

When I became a parent, I often took my son to the library. At the time, I was looking for horror fiction, and he was looking for books about Jupiter!

It’s a wonderful thing.

“When I look back, I am so impressed again with the life-giving power of literature. If I were a young person today, trying to gain a sense of myself in the world, I would do that again by reading, just as I did when I was young.” – Maya Angelou

Image by Pezibear from Pixabay 

Reading nook in big library feature image by Prettysleepy from Pixabay 

Both Dickens Images by Prawny from Pixabay 

Wizard of Oz – Image by neotenist from Pixabay 

London Victorian era Lady dressed in black Image by Happy New Year from Pixabay 

Vintage Victorian ladies Image by Oberholster Venita from Pixabay 

Gothic romance – book, rose, black gk Image by Dorothe from Pixabay 

EXCERPT FROM MY NEW BOOK! 🥰

My memoir about recovery from addiction and illness is complete and in the final editing stage. Here’s an unedited excerpt to give you an idea of what’s coming:

The Atlantic Ocean seemed as vast and deep as the aching within me and represented the same somber foreboding. It was the sea of the titan after all—more than 41 million square miles. In those moments, it looked as foreign to me as everything else that was once familiar. One might see it as a green leviathan monster or the depths of God’s love. I saw the monster, noting it could simply devour you, but so could the earth, and life itself.
I was on the sandy shores of Rockaway Beach, somewhere about 108th street, sitting cross-legged, on my beach blanket, playing with a stick in the sand. Aggressive seagulls descended effortlessly from the clear blue sky—ravenous, and predatory, like some humans I knew. The calls of piping plovers and other shorebirds were ominous, too.
The warmth of the sun felt good though as I took in the ocean’s briny aroma mingled with the fragrances of cocoa butter, coconut oil, and glorious traces of jasmine. The ocean breeze provided a hypnotic tranquility, so much so that as the salty waves thrashed against the shore, I’d managed to believe that somehow, someday, it would all be okay. The music on my radio soothed me then, pretty much the way it always did, and I listened to the laughter of yesterday.
I was sixteen now, and when men approached my blanket, I immediately told them, “I’m leaving in two minutes.”
By this time, I didn’t want to meet any more people.

D.K. Sanz ~ from my upcoming memoir

Please Note: Before its anticipated release in February of 2023, I will provide readers with a certain number of ARCs. (February is a tentative release goal.)

For those unfamiliar, an ARC is an advanced reader copy provided before publication. Each recipient of an ARC intends to read and review the book. Once given an ARC, you are under no obligation to do either, but, at the same time, you wouldn’t want to request an ARC copy if that’s not your initial intention. In other words, if reading the book causes you to change your mind for any reason, there are no consequences, legal or otherwise.

ARCs are free. Currently, I have them available in Word or PDF formats. Eventually, they will be available on Kindle.

Reviews by ARC readers are posted on Amazon and, hopefully, Goodreads if the recipient has a Goodreads account.

ARC readers, unlike beta readers, are not expected to provide feedback to the author besides the public review, but feedback is certainly welcome.

To apply, please e-mail me at dksanz@yahoo.com and answer the following questions:

1) Are you familiar with the author’s work? (Just curious, it’s okay if you’re not.)

2) Have you ever reviewed a book by this author?

3) Please briefly explain why this particular book would interest you.

4) Have you reviewed books or products before this request?

5) Do you have an Amazon account?

6) Do you have a Goodreads account?

Unfortunately, I may not be able to accommodate every request, but I thank you in advance for your interest.

Feature photo at the top by Alisa Anton on Unsplash

Woman Reading Book photo by Yuri Efremov on Unsplash

Happy Holidays image by Biljana Jovanovic from Pixabay 

Happy New Year image by Alexandra_Koch from Pixabay Yellow Rose image by Ri Butov from Pixabay 

EXCITING NEWS ABOUT MY NEW BOOK

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, and Happy Holidays to all!

I have some exciting news!

My memoir about recovery from addiction and illness is complete and in the final editing stage. (Be prepared, though; it’s a shocker.)

Before its anticipated release in February of 2023, I will provide readers with a certain number of ARCs. (February is a tentative release goal.)

For those unfamiliar, an ARC is an advanced reader copy provided before publication. Each recipient of an ARC intends to read and review the book. Once given an ARC, you are under no obligation to do either, but, at the same time, you wouldn’t want to request an ARC copy if that’s not your initial intention. In other words, if reading the book causes you to change your mind for any reason, there are no consequences, legal or otherwise.

ARCs are free. Currently, I have them available in Word or PDF formats. Eventually, they will be available on Kindle.

Reviews by ARC readers are posted on Amazon and, hopefully, Goodreads if the recipient has a Goodreads account.

ARC readers, unlike beta readers, are not expected to provide feedback to the author besides the public review, but feedback is certainly welcome.

To apply, please e-mail me at dksanz@yahoo.com and answer the following questions:

1) Are you familiar with the author’s work? (Just curious, it’s okay if you’re not.)

2) Have you ever reviewed a book by this author?

3) Please briefly explain why this particular book would interest you.

4) Have you reviewed books or products before this request?

5) Do you have an Amazon account?

6) Do you have a Goodreads account?

Unfortunately, I may not be able to accommodate every request, but I thank you in advance for your interest.

Photo credits:

Feature photo at top – image by Marcos Silva from Pixabay

Purple ornament – image by Carmen Velcic from Pixabay 

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year – image by Stefan Schweihofer from Pixabay 

FEARLESS SURRENDER (SHADOWS OF MY SOUL)

(full version)

Reality to me is the dusk.

Prevalence in the shadows.

It is cloaking,

Grasping,

Discerning

In a world of darkness.

It is torment.

It is restraint.

The disturbing notion

That one must taste a normal

Subsistence,

An existence so mundane and

Unremarkable.

Part of me scorns it—

The contrived,

The unnatural kismet—

And so loves being

Unbounded.

I can pretend—

I know you know what it is

To stand the test of time

As a creature sunken

In the darkness of the world,

Trying to understand

What is going on,

What it is we need,

Why we do this,

And what it is they expect us to do.

But, the beauty of the peaceful lull

Amid the trees just before sunrise

Lies in contrast with the hazy tumult

Of my self-inflicted tomb.

I have lived, and I have died.

Life, as I knew it, is over.

Still, I am happier than I have ever been.

I know love.

I know peace.

I am in awe of every vision.

I bask in the passion of every caress.

Every bit of air I breathe is a godsend.

I could listen to the stillness of the ocean

Before daybreak,

To the waves amid a blue-violet sky.

I could dance with flair to the music

With a glow that illuminates me.

I have a power that lures,

Clutches,

And holds.

Temptation is like the ache for sustenance.

Seduction is smooth,

Effortless.

One learns to employ everything,

To safeguard,

To control,

And to conquer.

I feel as if I am asking you for your heart,

Your soul,

Your breath,

Your life.

What I long to say,

I hesitate to say it.

There is the danger,

The allure

As my hand reaches out to touch your face.

Can I hold you

And resist all temptation?

Can I ever set you free?

It is the old, “I have to do this.

I don’t want to do this.”

Yet I must send you away.

To protect you is to leave you when I must,

To silence you when you probe,

To evade,

To elude.

I can sense your presence,

Always,

Before I see you.

And, I kiss the earth you swagger upon!

We can only be hurt if I love you.

It’s all been said before,

No doubt.

I might have said it all sooner,

Had I not been savoring every moment

Of getting to know you.

Wishing that carefree innocence never would

cease.

There is no one else I’d rather be—

Unless it was to love you.

You are all that I crave.

♡

Author D.K. Sanz a/k/a Kyrian Lyndon

Images at the top by Dorothe from Pixabay

IF YOU BELIEVE WE ARE SACRED

Funny thing—when I was younger, I hated the idea of being a “fan” of anyone. I thought of it as worshipping others when we all are, in fact, equal and that it was beneath me to worship someone else. Now, I see a difference between worshipping and having the greatest admiration for another human being. In fact, if I love you, I’m likely one of your biggest fans.

But the issue of equality remains of the utmost importance to me. For example, when they say you can judge a man by how he treats his inferiors—no, we don’t have inferiors! Some people have more talent or money, better positions, nicer cars, higher functioning brains, and genes that make them more attractive. Still, there’s no reason for anyone to hang on to the illusion of superiority.

When they say you know a person’s character by how they treat someone who can’t do anything for him, then yes, that might be true. But do those who believe in a merciful creator think their creator would snub the poor, sick, disabled, or anyone of another gender, ethnicity, race, or sexual orientation? Would that benevolent creator think less of them? It begs the question; if you believe we are sacred, who is less sacred than you?

Some who have co-opted the term ‘woke’ make fun of the concept, but deplorable hate crimes are rising at an alarming rate, and I have to wonder why we’re still fighting this battle in 2022.
The term ‘woke’ came about to bring awareness to racism, and now it’s being used as an insult as if inclusion is a bad thing and wanting everyone treated with the same dignity and respect is a problem. They have this idea that we say what we say to impress others or to appear tolerant or benevolent.

I can speak only for myself, but I know this is true for many people. I don’t care about impressing anyone. I say what I say and do what I do because that is 100% genuinely and honestly how I feel. I have never seen any justification for denying people rights, dignity, or civility based on their represented group. There was never a time in my life when that didn’t seem inhumane. It always made sense to me that you don’t know a person just because you know their race, ethnicity, or sexuality and that being one thing is better than being another. And it’s been said many times, but tolerance, WTF? Who am I to decide whether to “tolerate” another person’s existence or not based on that information? I’d have to be a complete narcissist to think these people are beneath me for those reasons, deserve less than I, or are less worthy than me.

Unlike the woke critics, many of us have never been asleep in the first place. But it comes down to this: how people treat each other is appalling. Life’s hard enough, and I think we need to cheer each other on along the way.

Image by John Hain from Pixabay 

Lotus Flower Lily Pad Feature Image by ha11ok from Pixabay 

CHANGING YOUR NAME TO WRITE STUFF

People who’ve known me for a while know that I’ve changed names and hair colors more than the average person. The hair thing is just fun, but the name, hmm.

Choosing a pseudonym can be as challenging for a writer as naming books, characters, and fantasy places. I’d created many pen names before Kyrian Lyndon, and while I haven’t published books under any of the former nom de plumes, some of them make me cringe now. There was Nicole Peri, Jasmine Sérle, Diane Kristen Abbott, and Robyn Angeli. So, how did I finally decide on Kyrian Lyndon?

Well, one of my parents had an Italian surname, and the other had a Spanish one. Not wanting ethnicity to be an issue, I searched online for an alternative. Kyrian seemed good because it had a few different origins, and Kyrian Lyndon sounded lyrical. The bonus was I couldn’t find anyone else with that name.

Switching names isn’t that big a deal, really. Anne Rice wrote under A. N. Roquelaure and Anne Rampling, while her birth name was Howard O’Brien. C.S. Lewis wrote under two other names. Washington Irving wrote under three! That’s all fine, but I now regret ever changing my name to Kyrian Lyndon. (Those close to me won’t be surprised. )

Blah, blah, blah, I know. Overexplaining is one of my OCD things.

Anyway, my big news is that I will publish future books using something closer to my real name. My name is Diane, and my initials are D.B. or D.K. My mom’s last name is Sanchez, like the musician, singer, and composer Alejandro Sanz. I decided to shorten it the way he did, writing as D.K. Sanz. Social media accounts will change, as will my website, so when you see D.K. Sanz where you have me as a connection, I want you to know it’s me.

Thanks for your patience and understanding.