Poppy Z. Brite's Blog, page 60
August 20, 2011
Names & Things
So am I really given to understand that I'd have better luck registering for Google+ under the normal-sounding name I've been using lately, Billy Martin, than under my legal-but-unconventional-sounding name, Poppy Z. Brite? Not that I'm interested in registering under either name; I'm just making sure this whole thing really is as silly as I've been hearing.
(For the record, I never intended to change my last name; it has just sort of happened organically. No idea if I'll ever make it legal or not. For now, after 30 years of being PZB, it's kind of a relief to have a name that fades into the background.)
There are millions of things I want to talk about, but I don't know where to start and I'm not sure all of them should be discussed in public. I'll just say that for the first time in as many years as I can remember, I am (A) happy most of the time and (B) grateful to have a body despite the fact that it often causes me pain.
(For the record, I never intended to change my last name; it has just sort of happened organically. No idea if I'll ever make it legal or not. For now, after 30 years of being PZB, it's kind of a relief to have a name that fades into the background.)
There are millions of things I want to talk about, but I don't know where to start and I'm not sure all of them should be discussed in public. I'll just say that for the first time in as many years as I can remember, I am (A) happy most of the time and (B) grateful to have a body despite the fact that it often causes me pain.
August 17, 2011
Protip
What to do if you accidentally misgender/use the wrong pronoun for a trans person:
1. Apologize. Briefly.
2. Shut the hell up about it.
That is all. Thank you.
1. Apologize. Briefly.
2. Shut the hell up about it.
That is all. Thank you.
August 16, 2011
Silly Rabbit, Dix Are For Kidneys!
I've been sick as hell with a kidney infection (which is still no excuse for that title, but I love someone with a penchant for bad puns, so sue me). Like 102-degree fever, eyes-gone-two-different-colors-delirious, texting-and-tweeting-shit-that-scares-your-your-friends sick. After great tribulation, I managed to obtain the powerful antibiotic Cipro, which has pretty much wiped it out. But let me tell you, before the doctor finally deigned to prescribe it, I was having vivid fantasies of me-as-Roland-Deschain-as-Jack-Mort, leaning over the pharmacy counter with a big-ass gun in my hand, muttering, "Keflex ... "
Aside from that, everything is going great. I have a little patch of beard hairs on my chin! Not just peach fuzz but actual dark beard hairs! I love them to death!!!
Aside from that, everything is going great. I have a little patch of beard hairs on my chin! Not just peach fuzz but actual dark beard hairs! I love them to death!!!
August 6, 2011
Boosting Tasha's Signal, With Bonus Feminism
My new favorite blogs are Tasha Fierce's Red Vinyl Shoes and Sex and the Fat Girl. I learned about these wonderful blogs via a notice that Tasha is having serious financial trouble, so if you read and like, please chip in if you can.
I mentioned a while back that since starting physical transition, I find myself more interested in feminist issues. This seemed a little perverse at the time, but after thinking about it for a few months, it makes more sense to me. Insofar as women can be construed as a group, though obviously not a homogenous one, I had spent most of my adult life trying to find a way to fit into that group and largely failing (though there may have been times when I appeared successful). Though my issues were in no way the fault of women, I can see now that they often caused me to be resentful and dismissive of women. I regret that and am trying to learn.
I mentioned a while back that since starting physical transition, I find myself more interested in feminist issues. This seemed a little perverse at the time, but after thinking about it for a few months, it makes more sense to me. Insofar as women can be construed as a group, though obviously not a homogenous one, I had spent most of my adult life trying to find a way to fit into that group and largely failing (though there may have been times when I appeared successful). Though my issues were in no way the fault of women, I can see now that they often caused me to be resentful and dismissive of women. I regret that and am trying to learn.
August 5, 2011
Consume, Get Laid, Pee Orange
Goddammit. I think I have "honeymoon cystitis." Maybe if I write it up and add some details of my trip to Amsterdam and a section on becoming Catholic, I can parlay it into a hideous bestseller like Rich White Lady Goes On Vacation Eat, Pray, Love. I'd probably have to take a little more advantage of the wise yet unspoiled natives, though.
OK, I just ventured into the street and sought some advice from a wise yet unspoiled native (my neighbor). She says, "Gonna be another hot one." Must parse deeper meaning of this while eating pasta and bragging about how much everyone loves me.
Gonna have to work on that title, though. It's too early for titles.
ETA: Dreamed I was in England. Lenny Duveteaux was there, and had stolen my notebook and hidden it under his computer. I knew where it was, but was too busy freaking out over the fact that I had to do a book signing or something to care very much. Was mostly inclined to let him keep it, because I was curious about why he wanted it in the first place.
OK, I just ventured into the street and sought some advice from a wise yet unspoiled native (my neighbor). She says, "Gonna be another hot one." Must parse deeper meaning of this while eating pasta and bragging about how much everyone loves me.
Gonna have to work on that title, though. It's too early for titles.
ETA: Dreamed I was in England. Lenny Duveteaux was there, and had stolen my notebook and hidden it under his computer. I knew where it was, but was too busy freaking out over the fact that I had to do a book signing or something to care very much. Was mostly inclined to let him keep it, because I was curious about why he wanted it in the first place.
August 3, 2011
Bodies Are A Lot of Trouble
This morning I made a conscious attempt to shake off the tyranny of the cock. "You cannot allow it to rule your whole life!" I told myself sternly. "People need you! Animals need you! Your house is a disaster area!" So I scooped litterboxes! And I vacuumed half the house! And I did laundry! And next I will pay bills and vacuum the other half of the house!
And yet I keep feeling as if there is something I've forgotten to do! Something to do with consuming ... food ... nutrition ... but I just don't kn ...
*faint*
And yet I keep feeling as if there is something I've forgotten to do! Something to do with consuming ... food ... nutrition ... but I just don't kn ...
*faint*
Signal Boost: Return of the DDoS
Originally posted by
![[info]](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1380451598i/2033940.gif)
deathpixie
at Signal Boost: Return of the DDoSFor those wanting to know more about the recent DDoS attacks, yes, it looks like it was the Russian government trying to shut down the dissidents again.
As I said last time, while it's frustrating not to have access, LJ is a lot more than a social network platform. From the article:
"LiveJournal isn't just a social network. It's also a platform for organizing civic action. Dozens of network projects and groups mobilize people to solve specific problems — from defending the rights of political prisoners to saving endangered historic architecture in Moscow."
So while I know many are considering the move over to Dreamwidth* and other such sites, supporting LJ is a way we can help support those who use it for more than a writing/roleplaying/social venue.
Also, as a FYI, LJ is giving paid users effected by the outage two weeks of paid time as compensation.
*Also, I hear from a trustworthy source that there is something little-known but unspeakably horrible about Dreamwidth, and I really wish somebody would tell me what it is. - BB
deathpixie
at Signal Boost: Return of the DDoSFor those wanting to know more about the recent DDoS attacks, yes, it looks like it was the Russian government trying to shut down the dissidents again.As I said last time, while it's frustrating not to have access, LJ is a lot more than a social network platform. From the article:
"LiveJournal isn't just a social network. It's also a platform for organizing civic action. Dozens of network projects and groups mobilize people to solve specific problems — from defending the rights of political prisoners to saving endangered historic architecture in Moscow."
So while I know many are considering the move over to Dreamwidth* and other such sites, supporting LJ is a way we can help support those who use it for more than a writing/roleplaying/social venue.
Also, as a FYI, LJ is giving paid users effected by the outage two weeks of paid time as compensation.
*Also, I hear from a trustworthy source that there is something little-known but unspeakably horrible about Dreamwidth, and I really wish somebody would tell me what it is. - BB
August 2, 2011
The Dark Side of Testosterone
... is occasional utter rage and fury for no reason at all, or for a reason that would only cause most people to go "Dang it." Me, I get HULK SMASH KILL RAGE. I spent most of yesterday asleep in bed, having knocked myself out with benzodiazapenes in an effect to calm down and act like a decent human being. Today has been better, but there is still a definite undertone of "grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr beware of person do not approach." And I'm not even angry about anything -- I'm able to recognize it as pure hormones.
Well, at least I managed not to grievously injure Chris when he made reference to something happening "in a hot minute." He picks up all the latest stupid cool slang from his younger employees, and usually I can deal, but something about that particular phrase makes me want to RIP OFF HEADS REMOVE HEARTS EAT LIVERS DISMEMBER LIMBS SEVER EXTREMITIES BOWTIE INTESTINES ... er, I don't care for it, is what I mean to say.
The only thing that really gets me off the BLIND FURY track is sex. I feel like a living stereotype. Stone Age Man!
ETA: OK, I have to revise that last statement, because to shut down the rage monster, it's also pretty goddamn effective when your patient, sweet, amazingly kind husband SUDDENLY FROM OUT OF THE BLUE presents you with THE FOLLOWING FRAMED, HAND-SIGNED POSTER:
I'm still unable to articulate anything but "Buh?" and "OMG OMG OMG" and "I get to keep this?" and other similarly intelligent things.
Well, at least I managed not to grievously injure Chris when he made reference to something happening "in a hot minute." He picks up all the latest stupid cool slang from his younger employees, and usually I can deal, but something about that particular phrase makes me want to RIP OFF HEADS REMOVE HEARTS EAT LIVERS DISMEMBER LIMBS SEVER EXTREMITIES BOWTIE INTESTINES ... er, I don't care for it, is what I mean to say.
The only thing that really gets me off the BLIND FURY track is sex. I feel like a living stereotype. Stone Age Man!
ETA: OK, I have to revise that last statement, because to shut down the rage monster, it's also pretty goddamn effective when your patient, sweet, amazingly kind husband SUDDENLY FROM OUT OF THE BLUE presents you with THE FOLLOWING FRAMED, HAND-SIGNED POSTER:
I'm still unable to articulate anything but "Buh?" and "OMG OMG OMG" and "I get to keep this?" and other similarly intelligent things.
August 1, 2011
Loose Underpants
My body seems to be redistributing fat from my hips to ... well, I'm not sure where it's going. I haven't lost any more weight, nor am I trying to, but all my underpants are getting loose in the waist and butt. ("This requires a trip to Amsterdam to buy new underpants!" I told Chris, and he groaned.)
This is one of the predicted effects of testosterone, but I've had so many medical disappointments over the years that I'm always kind of amazed when a treatment actually works the way it's supposed to. Now bring on the chest hair!
This is one of the predicted effects of testosterone, but I've had so many medical disappointments over the years that I'm always kind of amazed when a treatment actually works the way it's supposed to. Now bring on the chest hair!
July 29, 2011
Vas You Dere, Cholly?
Oh my God, is this Livejournal? Can I post to it?
On Wednesday I saw my trans doctor for the second time and had my testosterone levels checked. Alert readers may not be surprised to learn that they were a bit high. One of the most bizarre things about FTM transitioning (to me, anyway) is that if your T levels get too high, your body can convert it back into estrogen, which is exactly what you don't want. He switched me from my current daily gel to one that's slightly lower-dose and a LOT cheaper, which is good. I'm somewhat irritated that he and his staff openly refer to me as "she," "her," and even "ma'am," but I guess doctors tend to be biological essentialists, and otherwise they are doing exactly what I want. In my experience, it's so rare for doctors to give you what you want that I'm loath to correct them. Yet.
And yesterday I went to the gym and lifted weights for the first time in forever. I had really thought I might never feel strong enough to do this again, but I kept my gym membership just in case. I only lifted very lightly since I'm just getting started again, but it felt great -- a real rush, very different from exercising without testosterone. Now I understand why one of my Dutch friends, a cis male who has taken testosterone, advised me to exercise if I couldn't have sex. I won't say it's a substitute, but it's a pretty good stopgap. I'm sore today, but I probably would have been anyway.
[ETA from my friends list: Excellent article and comments about the hypocrisy of criticizing a conservative politician for being fat. I've said this same thing about Rush Limbaugh, and it inevitably seems to piss people off; they read it as "I have sympathy for Rush Limbaugh." I do not. I just think there are far more appropriate and relevant ways to criticize him.]
On Wednesday I saw my trans doctor for the second time and had my testosterone levels checked. Alert readers may not be surprised to learn that they were a bit high. One of the most bizarre things about FTM transitioning (to me, anyway) is that if your T levels get too high, your body can convert it back into estrogen, which is exactly what you don't want. He switched me from my current daily gel to one that's slightly lower-dose and a LOT cheaper, which is good. I'm somewhat irritated that he and his staff openly refer to me as "she," "her," and even "ma'am," but I guess doctors tend to be biological essentialists, and otherwise they are doing exactly what I want. In my experience, it's so rare for doctors to give you what you want that I'm loath to correct them. Yet.
And yesterday I went to the gym and lifted weights for the first time in forever. I had really thought I might never feel strong enough to do this again, but I kept my gym membership just in case. I only lifted very lightly since I'm just getting started again, but it felt great -- a real rush, very different from exercising without testosterone. Now I understand why one of my Dutch friends, a cis male who has taken testosterone, advised me to exercise if I couldn't have sex. I won't say it's a substitute, but it's a pretty good stopgap. I'm sore today, but I probably would have been anyway.
[ETA from my friends list: Excellent article and comments about the hypocrisy of criticizing a conservative politician for being fat. I've said this same thing about Rush Limbaugh, and it inevitably seems to piss people off; they read it as "I have sympathy for Rush Limbaugh." I do not. I just think there are far more appropriate and relevant ways to criticize him.]
