Brendan Halpin's Blog, page 3

Revealed: The Right Thing To Say

Talking to a dear friend who got life-changing bad news the other day, and she was complaining about all the stupid things people say when they learn that something terrible has happened to you.  Having had some terrible things happen to me, I knew exactly what she was talking about: people don't seem to know what to say, so they say something stupid and offensive.

So as a public service, I am going to reveal what you should say when someone tells you that something incredibly terrible has happened.

"I'm sorry."  You can add "so" in the middle if you like. You could also tell the person that you love them.

That's it, folks!  

Now you may be thinking, "But Brendan! My friend has cancer! (or whatever terrible thing just happened) Those words are completely inadequate!"

Yep. Because that's the thing. Life-changing bad news is too big for words. Words can't help.  You can't be the one to make the person feel better because nobody can make the person feel better. Whether you're acting out of compassion because a person you care about is hurting and you want the hurt to stop, or narcissism because you want to be the one who utters the magic words that help, just stop it.

Because while your words can't possibly make the person feel better, they can actually make them feel worse. 

So that's it: "I'm sorry."  Try it next time someone tells you something terrible. And never  say you don't know what to say again.

So You Want to Work in a Charter School

Here in Boston, charter schools are expanding. Which means they'll be hiring new teachers! Actually, they started the hiring process before they got the okay to expand from the state. It's almost as though they knew what the outcome was going to be before there was a public meeting and vote!  Weird!

So they're hiring. Maybe you'll work there. But if you don't wind up at one of those schools, don't worry: charter schools are always hiring. You'll definitely find a job in a charter school if you want one.

Having worked in an urban charter school, I thought I'd give you a taste of what your experience will be like. This is a composite portrait based on my experience and that of others.

First: the indoctrination. Regular public schools are the enemy. In fact, those hacks who have devoted their entire professional lives to working with urban students are not just clueless; they're evil. There is simply no other way to describe the way they fail the children they are supposed to serve.  Fortunately for the children, they have you.

Are you on board? Well, you're going to be working VERY long hours AND a longer school year than those public school hacks, AND you'll make less money. All of which will prove your virtue. You do this work not for the perks, like those union dinosaurs, but because you want to save children's lives.

And you care. And everybody around you cares. You all care really hard and you work really hard, and you'll probably go out and get hammered with some of them a lot because you don't have any time for your other friendships and nobody who doesn't work with you wants to hear you talk about work all the time.  You'll get close with them, in the way you can only get close with people who are going through something incredibly difficult together do.

So you'll be working really hard, but so will the students. You're all in this together.  A lot of the students will stay very late. "They just don't want to go home," one of your colleagues will say with a mixture of sadness and pride. Sadness that they have to live in these situations--who knows what kind of horrors go on in those neighborhoods! (Not you--you didn't grow up there, and you don't live there now.) And of course they don't want to go home: if that family knew what they were doing, they wouldn't be poor! Nobody at your school will say this out loud, of course, but they won't have to. 

Sometimes you'll feel bad about the extremely punitive disciplinary policies. But, you'll tell yourself, shaking your head, such policies are necessary in order to have a school that works. Without them, you have the anarchy of the evil regular public schools. And this school has to work. You owe it to the kids.

Well, you owe it to the kids you can serve. Sadly, you're just not set up to serve everyone, so even though it's painful to sit through those meetings with the kids who are getting "counseled out" because of their special needs or lack of English proficiency, it's the right thing to do. You've got to sacrifice these kids for the sake of the ones who actually have a chance of being saved.  

Still, it will feel a little weird when you sit there in the meeting with the administrators talking about the great special ed program they have for kids like this at one of those evil regular public schools. You might start thinking that those evil regular schools might actually be better if schools like this that aren't set up to serve everyone weren't getting so much of the public money and most of the private money.

But you'll shrug that off because you're just too busy, and there are kids who want your help, kids with grit who are prepared for the rigor of your classroom who need your help.  So you'll put your nose to the grindstone.  

And sometimes you might stop and think, "was my high school like this?" And you'll realize no--you had a bunch of sports options and some arts and maybe even music classes, and being able to succeed in those areas really kept you going when the academics were tough. But, sadly, those kind of "enrichment" activities are frills. And you've got no time for frills. Your students are behind (thanks, evil regular schools) and they'll just have to do twice as much work as their wealthy suburban counterparts.  Not fair, sure, but it's tough love. It's what they need.

One night you'll be working really late, trying to help a kid who's having trouble, and the kid will just be such a ball of stress, and you might find yourself wondering, as you sit alone in the room after they go home, "is this worth it? Is there any joy at all in this place?  Is joy really a frill that we can't afford to give these kids?"

But you'll brush those thoughts aside, because you've got kids to save.

Some kids will leave during the school year. Usually after the date in February when the state counts the students to figure out the funding, but before the date in March when statewide testing starts.  A lot of those kids will be the ones who are struggling academically. What a strange coincidence!

And it will not have escaped your notice that your graduating class is about half the size of your incoming class. Because, it turns out, you can't save everyone. Not everyone is worth saving. Only those with the grit to persevere deserve the middle-class life you're promising. Inexplicably, a lot of kids choose mediocrity when you offer them excellence.  You wonder what is going on in their minds, but you probably don't reflect on what, if anything, this says about your school.

Because you've got kids to save. Kids who deserve saving.

And there will come a time when a student you've worked really hard with will fail. Either they'll fall behind academically, or they'll selfishly want to graduate on time when the sad reality is that most of these kids need five years in high school to catch up to their peers. Or maybe they'll run afoul of the many picayune rules and regulations and be kicked out of the school for disciplinary reasons.  And you'll mourn, of course, because consigning a smart kid to the regular public schools is the equivalent of killing his future life, but also you'll be angry and resentful. Didn't he see how hard you worked, how much you cared? How could he throw all that away over the refusal to tuck his shirt in?  Why can't these people get that you can have all the opportunity in the world if you simply do what you're told?

This may pull you up short. You may find that you've betrayed one of your deepest values.

On the other hand, you may find that you've just reinforced one of your deepest values.

You will leave, of course.

No one makes a career of teaching in a charter school. The hours are too long, the demands are too great, and the pay is too low. You probably won't examine what your failure to continue says about your own grit. You probably won't think about the fact that a student who attends charter schools for their whole academic career will be working this hard for twelve or thirteen years, and you couldn't even do five.

Where you go next depends on what sense you've managed to make of the gap between what you say is going on here and what actually goes on here. 

If you are still, in spite of the evidence, a true believer, you may become an administrator.  There's always room at the top, and even if you've only got three years of teaching under your belt, well, that's one more than you actually need to be an ed reform expert.

Or maybe, armed with your two or three years of teaching experience, you can now go become Senior Director of Teacher-Bashing, East Coast Region at some hedge fund manager's nonprofit--something like, Parents And Children United For Totally Awesome Education For All.

Or maybe you're burned out on education. Screw that. You put your time in. And now you put your law or business school application in.

Or maybe you still want to teach in spite of your experience here. In which case, it's off to the suburbs for you. You'll join the union, get a raise, be treated like a professional, and continue teaching for years. Sometimes you'll think about the regular urban public schools you used to disdain and wonder how those teachers do it for so long. Maybe, you'll think, they weren't quite the evil hacks you thought they were.

Well, that's about it. A bunch of you are about to get hired. Contact me in a couple of years and tell me if I'm wrong.

(If you'd like to read about my experience teaching in suburban, urban, and charter schools, you can check out my memoir about the first nine years of my teaching career .  You can also get it on audio. And if you'd like to know what it's like to put three kids through regular  urban public schools, just ask me or my wife.)

YA Tries to Have it Both Ways, and So Do I

Here is a thing that happens a lot:  some clod who clearly knows nothing about young adult fiction writes some dumb thing about how some big-name author has deigned to write young adult fiction for the first time, and the author of the book and/or the author of the article make a bunch of ignorant generalizations about YA, and then YA Twitter goes nuts for a few hours.  (Note: sometimes the article is not about a writer trying YA for the first time, and is more like, "I read 3 YA books, and here's my think piece about the problems with YA").

This will happen again soon. And I have two thoughts.  Thought one: who cares what some ignoramus says? If you're going to run around the internet reacting every time someone you've never heard of says something ill-informed and offensive, you're never going to have time to do anything else.  Also, you keep linking to these things and provoking lots of hate reads, and editors don't care if those are hate reads or not; they're just thrilled to get all those eyeballs on their page, and so not ignoring this kind of stupidity ensures that it's going to keep happening. 

Thought two: if you really crave the "respectability" that the larger culture confers, you're going to have to start saying something is crap when it's crap. YA has a reputation for being a supportive community, and for the most part it is, unless you piss off certain cliques of either authors or bloggers, and then THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU. I've seen many bloggers say they only want to review books they like, and authors generally don't want to say anything bad about another author's book because what if you meet them at a conference or something. And I think a lot of people feel protective of YA books, like to point out their shortcomings is to agree with the people who unfairly dismiss the entire category.

But there are certain things you've gotta put up with if you're going to read a lot of YA, just like if you read a lot of epic fantasy, you're gonna read a lot of stupid names.  To wit:

Didacticism. I think a lot of authors and/or editors underestimate the YA audience, and so there's very often a part where the first-person narrator applies the sledgehammer and tells you exactly what you're supposed to make of the story. I have to tell my beginning writing students to stop doing this all the time. Trust your writing, I tell them. Trust your audience. A lot of YA authors have trouble with this.

Mary Sue/Gary Stu-ism. For those not familiar with the terminology, this is when the main character is the author's painfully obvious wish-fulfillment fantasy.  This comes out in the romance a lot. So the mini-Lizzie Bennets, all sarcasm and bookishness, always find their mini-Darcys, with great hair and abs, troubled enough to be attractive, not troubled enough to be actually dangerous.  And the geeky, always-ready-with-a-quip boy main characters seem to wind up with assertive, improbably-hot girls who are inexplicably drawn to geekiness and sarcasm. (I am totally implicating myself here, BTW. No need to go through my catalog and point out all the examples of this.  Actually, what I mean is, I am totally above this! Go ahead and buy and read all my books and try to prove me wrong!)  I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say those of us who are good at making up stories in our head were not exactly killin' it on the romantic front in high school. But maybe we can put this one to bed.

Clunky exposition. Gawd, this one drives me nuts.  It may be because the convention in YA fiction is to have a first-person narrator, but the first ten or fifteen pages of a YA novel are often a struggle for me, because the narrator explains EVERYTHING.  "There's my popular best friend. She keeps saying I'm too much of a bookworm, that I should get out more. But ever since Mom died, I just don't have patience for going to parties and talking about stuff that doesn't matter. Although I do get tired of taking care of my little brother, what with dad's drinking and all."  This kind of thing is endemic.

And they show up not only in the work of also-rans like me, but also in the works of the titans of the category, the people whose books we shove at people and say, "Oh, if you think YA is crap, try this!"

Now, to be sure, people regularly mock YA tropes. I am by no means the first, or even thousandth, person to mention these things.  But it's usually "in the family" kind of stuff. It's affectionate mockery by fans for fans, but if someone outside the community raises these issues, we circle the wagons. 

I'm torn here. As a writer, I want people to show unreserved enthusiasm for my books, to cheerlead for them, to press them into people's hands and say "you HAVE to read this!"

 But as a reader, I want people to say, "I really enjoyed this book, but the exposition is clunky," or "we've seen this kind of romance before." I just feel like authors--especially those authors who are Big Names are not being held to a high enough standard. It's not treasonous to point out the shortcomings in a book you liked. It's not disloyal to point out that your favorite author appears to be repeating her/himself. 

But, then again, chasing respectability will only break your heart. I see this happen with science fiction and fantasy all the time: if people who aren't fans find themselves enjoying a book in those genres, they either insist the author isn't really a science fiction writer (Margaret Atwood), or the book "transcends its genre." (Too many books to name.)

Welp. I've written myself into a corner here, so I guess it's time to sign off.  I guess I'll just end by saying I wrote a YA novel that could really use some unreserved enthusiasm, and the ebook is currently on sale on a pay-what-you-want (including nothing!) only on this particular site. Or if you prefer hard copies, you can snag one cheap here.

 

My Big Fat Dickensian Life

Hi folks! Without going into too many details, lemme just say two things: 1) nobody in my family has a life-threatening illness and

2) otherwise, my life has taken a turn for the Dickensian lately.

Which is to say, if I were to list all the shit that's happened in the last six months, you'd be like, "nah, that's a bit over the top."

Or, possibly, "how can I help?"

So, here's how you can help. Buying my books, of course, but more specifically, I sell my the ebooks whose rights I control on Gumroad.com. They pay the highest percentage to the author and also pay faster than any other site.  Which turns out to matter quite a bit in the current circumstances.

Which is why my YA superhero noir Enter the Bluebird and Seamus Cooper's Lovecraftian comic adventure The Mall of Cthulhuand EC Comics-style paean to the Jersey Shore Terror at the Shore are now all on sale on a pay-what-you-want basis. This means you can have one for free (and if you're tapped out, feel free to grab one for free! Maybe slide me a positive Amazon review if you want to help out, because those help too), or you can kick in any amount larger than a buck.

I am hopeful that the current difficulties will pass quickly, but, in the meantime, we're up against some pretty tough deadlines in the next couple of weeks, and anything you want to pay for any or all of these books will be a big help.  As will spreading the word for me if you've already read and liked any of these.  

Thanks!

 

The Power of Giving Up

We kind of fetishize persistence in this country.

Just keep going, we say. Never give up, we say. JK Rowling got rejected a lot! Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team! Never give up!

What pernicious crap this is.  Because, like all our positive thinking bullshit, it implies that if you never became a professional basketball player, IT'S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU GAVE UP. You know, you should have just worked really hard like Michael Jordan and believed in yourself and stuff, and then you could have been an NBA star! Superstar, even!

But the thing is, almost nobody makes it to the NBA. Here's some data from the NCAA on men's basketball:

So three out of every ten thousand high school basketball players will play professional basketball. So, if you get cut from your high school team, giving up on that NBA dream is probably a good call. Indeed, even if you don't get cut but you are not the best player in your league, you should probably give up on the dream of going pro.

Ever watch the painful first few episodes of American Idol?  I followed one season, and the thing I really liked was in those painful auditions when Simon would tell the people who came in and completely couldn't sing, "this is not your thing. You should stop doing this and do something else. This is not where your gifts lie."  

Simon Cowell is famous for being a dick, but this always struck me as a great kindness. What good advice! What a refreshing antidote to the "don't give up ever because all it takes to succeed is wanting it bad enough" bullshit that pervades our culture!

In the educational realm, kids are now being asked to show "grit." What this means in an educational context is "continuing to work really hard on something even after you realize it's stupid bullshit."

Now, this is a skill that most employers value, to be sure, but it's not a character trait. But they pitch this kind of relentless obedience as a character trait. And then they penalize kids for not showing this. Because apparently you have to be persistent, even when the thing you're supposed to be persisting at is manifestly a waste of time and energy. (Shoutout to Alfie Kohn for this piece, which destroys the "grit" fad.)

Some people even carry this obsession with persistence into their personal lives. But despite what rom-coms would have you believe, you can't pester someone into liking you back. When your interest and/or affection aren't returned, don't persist. Give up and go find someone who will actually like you back.

Now obviously some things are worth working hard at and sometimes persistence is rewarded, but sometimes there's great power in giving up. It allows you to take charge of where your energy is going and perhaps pursue a different goal than the one you keep not achieving.

I'm thinking about this because I have given up on having a bestselling novel that becomes the basis for a hit movie. I'd like to have those things, and I spent years wanting those things really bad and even building up a substantial credit card debt against the gigantic payday that I believed was around the corner. (Because I really wanted it! How could "the universe" not grant my wish?)  But in something like this, wanting it doesn't matter. Hard work doesn't matter. You need a certain baseline level of talent, but after that, it's pretty much all luck.

Indeed, one publishing professional said of a guy with a few bestselling novels and a successful movie based on one of them: "He's not any better than Brendan. He's just had better luck." So, great. I could continue to beat my head against that brick wall until I die, but giving up on that dream was actually quite liberating.  Because then I didn't have to worry as much about what other people thought. I could write stuff that pleased me instead of worrying about how stuff was going to sell. I was able to make room for goals and dreams I might actually be able to achieve. And I was able to focus a little bit more on the stuff in my life that really matters. 

I haven't given up on writing because I like it a lot. But I gave up on longing for bestsellerdom, and, as a result, I've had more fun writing and I'm way less bitter--okay, okay, marginally less bitter--than I was before.

So if you've been wasting a lot of time and energy pursuing something that's just not happening, instead of redoubling your efforts, maybe consider giving up. It can really improve your life.

 

2015: The Year in Tweets

That's right, folks, it's time once again for my wrapup of the year 2015 via my fun-sized nuggets of wit and wisdom from Twitter! (I tweet a lot, so I'm selecting only the best for your reading pleasure) Let's get right to it, shall we?

January:

Basically Shonen Knife was still doing top-shelf stuff 25 years after they started. Name me one other band that's true of. I'll wait.

Can't listen to the Feelies too often because they provoke feelings of nostagia/grief that are almost physically painful. Great band, though

You know what's a perfect pop song? Madonna's "Cherish," that's what.

The boy, frying a hot dog in butter & bacon grease, proposes opening a restaurant called, "My Fat Greasy Sack."

He'll retire by 30.

I really hate the euphemism "passed" for "died." It makes the deceased sound like a fart.

#Boston2024 is a disgrace. Shame on @marty_walsh @juliettekayyem and every other "liberal" carrying water for big money on this.

People who are neither French nor in France trying to explain Charlie Hebdo: you know you don't have to chime in on everything, right?

Maybe it's just because I haven't heard it in a while, but Rebbie Jackson's "Centipede" seems to have aged very well

My choice of which of life's myriad horrors I choose to get upset about makes me better than you!--the internet

Dear God, please grant me the ability to keep believing that glob of goo on the locker room shower floor was conditioner.

Whilst wooing my wife, I proclaimed myself a jeepster for her love. Reader, she married me anyway.

Nobody in this house wanted to hear my thoughts about the brilliance of this reggae cover of "Safe European Home."

Really sad to hear about Egmont USA shutting down. Great people there who did a great job with @trixcook & my books.

Listening to The Toxic Avenger Musical soundtrack. One of the top live performances I've ever seen. Great show that deserves many revivals.

Pat Benatar ruined me for other women: nobody else ever said I was the right kind of sinner to release her inner fantasy. And I've asked.

"laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide" is a great rhyme, but Christ, you have some shitty friends.

February

I get summoned by cell phone to drive people around & don't get paid at all. Clearly Uber's business plan was written by my kids.

We talk about how dogs have easy lives, but the search for the perfect place to poop seems quite arduous.
 
It's less our Christian theocrats, and more our Positive Thinkers that make me feel estranged from American Culture.
 
Just wondering if any Vermont rappers have explored the double entendre potential of "Queechee."
 
Middle child has taken to calling me "nuncle," as the fool does to Lear. Pride and horror in equal measures.
 
Systematic disinvestment in public infrastructure so "disruptive" private companies can make $ providing services at higher prices.
 
Boston is living the libertarian end game right now.
 
Probably unoriginal thought, but new to me: after the original creators leave, all comics are fanfic.
 
Worst transportation crisis in 25 years, our genius legislators & governor just cut 40% from transportation budget. # mapoli
 
My favorite Lesley Gore song was always "Maybe I Know."
 
Question I like to ask people who think privatization=better service: do you have Comcast?
 
5 water glasses appeared in the bathroom overnight. It's like someone had the tamest party ever in there.
 
Pretty sure my family loves it when I clink bottles together, screaming "Warriors! Come out to play-he-yay!"
 
I should like to rock and roll. I assume it's a relatively short way to the top?
 
So John Fish has a mayor! What's it gonna take for the City of Boston to get one?
 
Here's a suggestion: read whatever the fuck you want for a year.
 
The Patterson Bigfoot footage is the Zapruder film of my generation. #InSearchOf
 
March:
 
Is it too late for me to cultivate that "he's always wearing a beanie" thing that The Edge has going?
 
Language isn't violence. Violence is violence.
 
You can be that guy insisting that a word doesn't mean what everybody thinks it means, but that's not how language works.
 
Heard a track from the new Van Halen live album today. Time is far kinder to guitarists than singers.
 
If "Blackbird" was the only song Paul McCartney ever wrote, he'd still be one of the great songwriters. Stop hatin'.
 
I always get gouache and ganache confused. You probably don't want me to make you a cake. Or paint anything.
 
Spotted on Milk Street: Keytar Bear doing a funked up cover of Sabbath's Iron Man. How I love that bear...
 
"Why? Why do these dice hate me?!"--teen D&D player in today's library game.
 
John Mayer: "Say what you need to say" Me: "You suck!" Daughter: "Hey!"
 
Kelly green is disgusting, boiled cabbage is disgusting, vomiting in the street is disgusting and St. Patrick's Day sucks.
 
Someone keeps opening coworker's jar of peanuts & saying, "I can't keep my hands off his nuts!" #itsme #hostileworkenvironment
 
Writers get rejected because "we don't see a market," then told not to chase trends. Don't listen to anybody. Write what you want.
 
When @efranklinauthor & I wrote TESSA MASTERSON, I wondered if our Indiana antigay bigots were too over the top. Guess not!
 
Nobody ever finds out about the brooding boy's secret hurt because he's kind of a dick & pushes everyone away. #VeryRealisticYA
 
A new thing I'm trying: listening to that little voice that occasionally says, "maybe you shouldn't tweet that."
 
Pro wrestling is the best sport because you know in advance that all the athletes are on PEDs and the league has fixed the outcome.
 
I'm totally doing tomorrow French style. #Aprilfish
 
April
 
May have been watching too much Mob Wives. Just asked a garbage-eating squirrel, "YOU WANNA [BEEP]IN GO TO WAR WITH ME?"
 
I used to go out to parties and stand around. Cause I was too nervous to really get down. So I stopped going to parties.
 
 I feel like singing "Crimson & Clover." Will somebody come over and pound on my back for the "over and over" part?
 
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is so freaking awesome.
 
Listening to something great & wondering why it's not more popular & then realizing if it were more popular, I'd probably like it less.
 
Quote of the night, from an unnamed family member: "Blake Shelton is a used condom."
 
Yesterday was given over to grief, so I did the cliched grieving activities: got a pedicure & bought comic books.
 
Kid was assigned Delillo's White Noise for school, so I looked it over again. What an unbelievable piece of shit that book is.
 
Grief is pretty multifaceted. Sure, there's sadness, but then there's anger and apathy too! It's a bargain!
 
People complain about how movie X "ruined" their favorite comic character. Shut up. My favorite comic growing up was Howard The Duck.
 
People...people who comment on celebrity Instagram posts....are the saddest people....in the worllllllldddd
 
Dog is licking his genitalia with uncommon gusto.
 
Rollin in my 03 Matrix, windows down, red polo shirt on, harmonizing with Taylor Swift. #Onmywaytostealyrgirl
 
What the hell is it with sensitive singer songwriters and 3/4 time?
 
Neighbors whose party woke me up at 4 AM Sunday got their cars towed for street cleaning today. Shame nobody woke 'em up to remind them.
 
High fives & real pride all around the table when my teen group at East Boston Library finished Horde of the Dragon Queen last night.
 
This is really what's great about tabletop RPGs. The action is imaginary. The sense of accomplishment is real.
 
I've been listening to The Time a lot lately. Turns out bellowing for Jerome to do stuff for you only works for Morris Day.
 
Celebrities: nobody gives a shit about your airline troubles. Welcome to the real world.
 
Heard the new Mumford & Sons song. Dare I hope that faux-roots beard pop is over?
 
Walking at lunch, I heard a woman say, "downloading dirty porn." I stopped and lectured her on avoiding redundancy. #englishteacherproblems
 
Google Music algorithm recommending Jethro Tull & Crosby, Stills & Nash to me reassures me that the singlularity isn't that close after all.
 
May
 
I implore you to visit your comic store today & buy stuff. And remember that every day is free graphic novel day if you have a library card.
 
Research topics for today's writing session included Faraday cages and chicken urine. #TheMoreYouKnow
 
Being good at something doesn't necessarily imply you'll be good at anything else.
 
I believe one can make a strong case for "She's Always in My Hair" as Prince's finest song.
 
Why the hell would we want to convince people that books aren't dangerous? Books are dangerous as hell--that's what makes them awesome.
 
When two hours go by between work emails, & you're like, "is the network down? Did I get fired? Did the world end?"
 
*spends $2.08 on cup of coffee* *spends next hour researching & debating purchase of $1.99 phone game*
 
I've noticed that most "disruptive technologies" are fundamentally aimed at keeping people with money from having to see the rest of us.
 
Meanwhile, on my slow jams station, Teddy Pendergrass just asked to be rubbed down "with some burning hot oils."
 
Which sounds horribly painful to me, but whatever, I guess. Do you, Teddy.
 
Goya has had pull tabs on their cans for YEARS. When is the rest of the world gonna catch up?
 
I give Microsoft a lot of well-deserved shit, but I will say this: Skype for Business has an animated puking emoji. All is forgiven.
 
All alone in my 12-person office. Bout to strip down to socks & undies and lip sync some Carpenters tunes. #Superstar
 
June
 
Kinda hoping to make it onto a "Top 100 Under 100" list before I die.
 
Ridin' against the wind: not as cool as Bob Seger suggests. Felt like I was towing a Uhaul behind my bike this morning.
 
It bugs me that the big reaction to the Caitlyn Jenner cover is "she's beautiful." Is that the best compliment we've got for a woman?
 
If the 4th season of Arrested Development taught us anything, it's that some wonderful things that ended should be left alone.
 
Rock and roll: is it noise pollution? Discuss. #ACDCFinalexam
 
The hi-hat and I have been friends ever since Nenah Cherry introduced us.
 
People in all-white towns like, "OMG that terrible racist lady on Facebook calling for segregation."
 
No, YOU go set a watchman! Do I have to do everything around here?
 
I dunno. On the one hand, those Jurassic World zookeeper photos are cute. On the other hand, fuck zoos.
 
Has anybody done a Rage Against Florence & The Machine mashup yet? Because someone should.
 
At a punk rock show in Central Square. Like I'm 22 again, except Central Square lacks the smell of danger & urine it had back then.
 
Quintessential boys at play moment happening in the park right now: 1 boy holds a truck tire while another beats it with a baseball bat.
 
July
 
The fuck is a "steak tip?" That's pretty much gotta be a euphemism for something horrific.
 
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Gone Girl. Girl on the Train."Girl" in the title=besteller. My new thriller: Girl, You Know It's True.
 
I guess as a writer of books I should hate this stuff, but there's real pleasure in a well-written review that just shreds its subject.
 
Dactyl is a trochee. Anapest is a dactyl. Get your shit together, English.
 
Settlers of Catan: when Monopoly and Risk are not quite tedious enough.
 
Hard to remember how I dealt with shyness in social situations before I could stare at my phone screen.
 
Garrison Keillor is retiring? Who's gonna spin unfunny yarns for old white people now?
 
In Ptown? Come see me at 6:30 at the Fine Arts Work Center, 24 Pearl St! I'll be reading! Sophomoric humor is in the offing!
 
Hmm--maybe it was big egos & strong personalities in the pressure cooker of unprecedented fame that broke up the Beatles. Not freakin' Yoko.
 
Got my tix for Boston Comic Con. Who wants to make me a Power Girl costume?
 
Also, while my knowledge of playing the boogie is less than encyclopedic, it doesn't sound to me like Luther played it especially strange.
 
August
 
If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and tell every rock band, "That Motown cover is a terrible idea." @TimeWatchRPG
 
Admittedly my hip hop knowledge is outdated, but I feel like if you're gonna start a beef, your name should not contain the word "meek."
 
I used to go out to parties and stand around. Just kidding: that's still what I do. Just kidding: never actually go to parties.
 
Maybe country's not your thing, but you gotta appreciate the genius of a title like "She's actin' single ( I'm drinkin' double)."
 
Also: I haven't seen my mother, baby, standing in the shadows. Probably because she's standing in the shadows. My mother is a ninja.
 
Theory, supported by some data: when Google killed Reader, they cut my blog audience in half
 
"odalisque": French for "side boob."
 
My phone just autocorrected "Darcy" to "Daddy," thereby saving bookish women years of therapy.
 
Art that is earnest and well-intentioned is not necessarily good.
 
Can't wait til swelling on my wasp-stung ring finger goes down. Cuz with no ring, the ladies are ALL OVER THIS.
 
K-cup coffee is ass. You all deserve better. Well, most of you do, anyway.
 
I got loved ones with OCD & bipolar, so when you use those words to describe yr non-pathological quirks, it bugs the crap outta me.
 
"I'm one of the good ones! Everyone pay attention to me!"--white people tweeting about Ferguson
 
Co-worker announced that the IT guys have a "bear cam" up at all times in their department. Really hope it's actual animals...
 
"Okay song, but let's drown out the guitars with horns and strings!"--every 70's pop producer, apparently.
 
Has Tony Orlando ever had his retro-cool revival? Because the 'stache. The tux. He was suave.
 
100 Books To Read Before You Die. Which could be tonight, for all you know. So you'd better start reading.
 
I like to think we shouldn't have guilty pleasures. We should just like what we like. But then "Two Princes" comes on. And I feel guilty.
 
Everybody has known for years how Amazon mistreats warehouse workers. But now that it's office workers people are suddenly angry.
 
Your periodic reminder that the Boston Common and the Boston Public Garden are both singular. There is but one of each, so quit adding an s.
 
Vegetarian, but if a fruit fly lands in my glass of Duvel, I'm drinkin the bitch.
 
One problem with identity politics is this naive idea that some kinds of people are less selfish and horrible than others.
 
When you see someone who might be a former student and you look at her trying to figure it out & then get the stank eye & can't explain.
 
Me, upon seeing a new sitcom premise: "I could literally poo that out before breakfast & still have a full day ahead of me!
 
September
 
Refresh my memory: where is groove again? Kidneys? Liver? Spleen?
 
The "ban bikes because cars sometimes kill cyclists" column is so dumb it took 2 different Globe columnists to write it.
 
You think Steve Winwood is salty that the other "Valerie" is the one everybody knows?
 
I actually like Steve Winwood's "Valerie." Nice chorus and not as much of that farting keyboard sound as most of his songs.
 
Cure for being jealous of kid going to college:spending an hour in this dark, hot, cramped dorm room. Get me back to my real grownup room!
 
Yeah, sometimes I walk like Voldo from Soul Caliber. What of it?
 
Move over, Facebook! Outta my way, Twitter! My social network White People Complain About Stuff is gonna make you all irrelevant!
 
That thing when teenage boys come into your kitchen and then the whole joint smells like feet.
 
Have never tried Sammy Hagar's tequila, as I assume it's just an inferior version of a tequila David Lee Roth used to make.
 
Theory: you can get a rough idea of the amount of leisure time & money people have by what they get outraged about on the internet.
 
I wrote 2 books in which kids go vegetarian as a way to push back vs. the cruelty of the world & JUST NOW realized that's why I did it too.
 
Bush told us to go shopping before lying us into perpetual war. Biggest failure of leadership anyone currently alive will ever see. I hope.
 
I think about this more than I should, but man, Marius chose the wrong girl. Eponine's a feisty badass, Cosette's kind of a simpering ninny.
 
Thought on Alanis Morrisette: "Hands Clean" is as brave and fierce as people mistakenly thought Jagged Little Pill was.
 
Apparent rip in the space-time continuum: saw a man in the locker room donning sock garters this morning.
 
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I have a 28-inch inseam!" "Too bad," the universe replied. "No pants for you, stumpy."
 
Got another (unearned) royalty statement today. You shitbirds need to start buying more of my books. That's all there is to it.
 
Curious George Takes One Last Job #crimeakidsbook
 
Non-comics writers' stunt runs on comics are almost never good. Posehn on Deadpool is the only one I remember not sucking.
 
Bob Mould was more influential muscially, but, on the other hand, half of all 20-something white guys now look like Greg Norton.
 
 Teacher's eternal dilemma: drink enough coffee to be alert, but not so much that you'll have to pee in the middle of class.
 
It may be time to accept that I'm never getting a MacArthur genius grant. So who's got a "reasonably intelligent" grant?
 
There's so much on the internet that outrage helps the article or site or whatever that you're mad at. What kills them is your neglect.
 
October
 
There are few genres lamer than 80's radio rock. Yet there are gems even there.
 
"Urgent" is top notch. Great song from an otherwise aggressively mediocre band.
 
me, to kid: "Ugh. Why must you play Buble?" Kid, to me: "Fuck off. You know he's angelic as fuck."
 
I may be feeling the Bern. Or perhaps it's the black olive pizza I had for lunch.
 
"Dammit, world, validate me! Preferably on an hourly basis!"--me, checking Twitter, email.
 
One mustn't respond to bad reviews. But one may insert "your mom" into them to oneself, e.g.: "your mom has an unsatisfying ending."
 
Just walked out of my office for the last time after 7.5 years. Excited for what's next; sad to say goodbye.
 
This ever-changing world in which we're living has made me give in and cry. Now what?
 
TFW you ride around the smoothest doody. #cocteautwins
 
I've been off Twitter for most of the day. Who should I be shunning?
 
I will stack The Evil One against any work of horror in any medium. Book, movie, whatever. It's fucking terrifying.
 
I still believe that my "Stand for the Fire Demon" shoutout in The Half Life of Planets is the only Roky Erickson reference in any YA book.
 
English: no words should end with "ible" Can we just make 'em all "able?" The current situation is risible.
 
I used to think it was "The love shack is a literal place," like, it's not a metaphor.
 
Brussels sprouts: so much better than Bruges sprouts.
 
Co-workers: "Let's do 80's costumes!" Me: "The 80's are just an idea to you, but that's my real adolescence!"
 
Used to consider myself an atheist, but that lady yelling incoherently into the megaphone in Dudley Square totally converted me!
 
Get a new Android phone: log into Google account. Done. New iPhone: log in to icloud: This backup requires an updated iOS. Launch iTunes...
 
Kid in a Star Wars group insisted she wasn't Chewbacca. With the bandolier & laser crossbow, you goddamn well are Chewbacca, kid!
 
If Mitch Mitchell hadn't played with the best guitarist ever, more people would be talking about what an amazing drummer he was.
 
November
 
Violence & misogyny are baked into the NFL's culture. If you support the NFL, you support that.
 
You will never convince me that stupid shit like what's happening at Yale isn't about rich people trying to deny their own privilege.
 
Sure people died on Halloween, but those are just poors. Think of the rich kids offended by costumes!
 
The cover of that first CSN album is pretty much how I remember every one of my parents' friends' houses in the 70's.
 
There were an unusual number of white people in Franklin Park this afternoon. Did it get mentioned on NPR or something?
 
Not overwhelmed by indifference, but I will admit that the promise of an early bed sounds great.
 
People complaining that the death of my wife ruined their enjoyment of my memoir: yeah, it was tough for me too, fucksticks.
 
TFW you have one eye in the mirror as you watch yourself gavotte
 
Feeling for all the wives caregiving for spouses suffering from CTE #BecauseFootball
 
Had never seen Friends until a family member started watching recently. That show is fucking terrible.
 
December
 
Serious question: is Nancy Sinatra's "Sugartown" about heroin addiction? Cuz I think it is.
 
At some point, Apple went from "we're intuitive and easy to use!" to "fuck you. This is how we do things." When did Apple become Microsoft?
 
Strategically slowing down so your fellow pedestrian reaches the fundraiser first.
 
Just saw Keytar Bear covering the Carpenters. And the world seems less horrible.
 
When people generalize about generations, they really mean "members of this generation of a certain social class."
 
Today on Twitter I learned that there is a real place called Cockermouth.
 
Glenn Tillbrook has taken great care of his voice. He still sounds fantastic. Also: dude can shred, which I didn't know.
 
OED fact: use of "service" in a sexual context dates to 1495 & originates with the phrase The Service of Venus.
 
Words in a book blurb that ensure I'll never read the book: "Lush." "Lyrical." "Atmospheric." "Wise."
 
Just lost a nerf pistol duel. #aaronburrsir
 
OH MY GOD. Hearing Erma Franklin's original "Piece of My Heart" for the first time. Amazing to hear this sung by someone who can sing.
 
I get that rejection is a part of this writing business. I really do. But consistent rejection since 2012 is getting tough to take.
 
Don't call new Star Wars TFA unless it's about a jedi who gets 5 weeks training, quits after 2 years & then becomes a "force reformer."
 
People will literally never tire of writing these, "oh THIS writer transcends genre" pieces about genre writers they guiltily admire.
 
So weird that people still feign shock that pro athletes are doping.
 
Cleaning up after dinner is a shitty anticlimax. It's The Scouring of the Shire of cooking.
 
66 2/3% shall henceforward be known as "The Meat Loaf Standard."
 
Wait--Lemmy died? LEMMY? No way. If Lemmy was capable of dying, he woulda done it some time in the 70's! I won't believe it!
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

Bookstores, Libraries, and Class

Over the last several years, I've come to feel quite estranged from my socio-economic group. This has a lot to do with the students I was working with, many of whom were really struggling economically. It also has something to do with my own brush with penury, occasioned by the collapse of my writing career as a source of income. 

I spent a lot of time feeling angry at my fellow college-educated, middle- and upper-class liberals. Part of this was jealousy, of course, but another part was resentment at how little anybody seemed to care about what people with no money go through in this country. (It's constant anxiety peppered with despair and served with a side order of humiliation. I don't recommend it.)

And so this is why, in 2013, I lashed out at Sherman Alexie when he, on behalf of the the American Booksellers' Association, asked writers to volunteer at bookstores on Small Business Saturday, sponsored by American Express. Dennis Abrams at Publishing Perspectives reprinted my blog post in its entirety without linking to my website (well, he offered a broken link, so I guess his heart was in the right place), and Jill at Book Riot added  a couple paragraphs to the Publishing Perspectives piece without linking to me or Publishing Perspectives. Which I guess was okay because it meant I was mostly abused in the comments sections on those sites rather than here in my little space.

One of the things that bothered me about both Alexie's appeal (and he's since been joined by other writers every year, and I still think it's an offensively dumb idea, for the record) and the response to my screed was this idea that bookstores are some sort of wonderful community center. This is a staple of the middle class, NPR-listening worldview. Here's another piece from just a couple of days ago about this.

Now, I got nothing against bookstores. And I get what it's like to feel a sentimental attachment to a business. I loved 3rd Street Jazz & Rock in Philadelphia (RIP)--probably the best record store I ever went to, and I went to a lot. I've written a few books at Ula Cafe, and they have great coffee and a killer egg and biscuit breakfast on the weekends. (I get mine with mushroom gravy, and it is divine.)

But those are businesses. They exist (or, existed) not to serve the community, but to make money. And most independent bookstores don't even serve the whole community of readers. Go into an independent bookstore and ask where their romance section is. I dareya. Then ask for the horror section. Most independent bookstores exist to serve a certain subset of the community. And this is why white, middle-class, NPR-listening liberals love them so much. Because it feels like a community gathering place, but you're probably not going to bump into anyone who makes you uncomfortable with their difference there. It's a place where you can connect with people like you. Which is fine. But it's not the same thing as a benefit to the community.

But libraries are actually a benefit to the community. I spent a year volunteering at the Boston Public Library, running a weekly Dungeons & Dragons game for teens at the East Boston Library (which is one of the most beautiful libraries in the area) and, for a short time, at the Egleston Square library (which is a hideous building where wonderful things happen.)

Let me tell you what I saw in these places: kids and teens. Tons of them. Exercising their creativity playing Minecraft, getting help with their homework, and just sitting at tables with their friends. Also adults: people looking for jobs and trying to straighten out some thorny immigration problem, using the free public internet because they don't have internet at home. Or just sitting in a chair and reading books. Or checking out DVDs. Or sitting at a table scribbling in a notebook. And me, getting to take books home and read them for free. And librarians, who, it turns out, need to be experts in almost everything.

You get the idea. Libraries are actually the community benefit that people imagine bookstores to be.  Why does this distinction matter so much to me?  I guess because we live in an era where the very idea of the public good is under attack. And so things that actually serve the public are gutted, and comfortable people with money just opt into something they can afford. Unreliable public transportation? Take an Uber! School falling down? Send your kids to private school?  No place to get free access to information? Who needs it? I've got a bookstore where I can buy books and a five hundred dollar phone that I pay 80 bucks a month to use! 

Libraries are part of the lifeblood of our communities. They make the entire place better and stronger. They allow people without the resources to afford internet access or regular book purchases access to all the information in the world.  They provide kids with a safe place to do something positive after school. All this stuff is absolutely critical to a functional community, and what's more, it's the kind of stuff that liberals are supposed to believe in. 

And yet even in the bookish corners of the internet, precious little is said about the immeasurable value of libraries, and someone is rhapsodizing about a bookstore every ten minutes. Bookstores are great--but libraries need you more. They are under constant attack, and they need the community to stand up and proclaim their importance so they get the funding they need to maintain and staff the buildings and to keep providing resources to everyone who walks in the door.   

Some people will probably say it's not an either/or thing. I agree. I guess I'm just saying this: bookstores will take care of themselves. Part of the job of a business is to attract customers.  Libraries need all of us if they're going to survive. We all have limited time and attention, so I guess I'm saying if you're blogging, tweeting, or volunteering, please take care of the library. You need it. And it needs you.

The Four Pop Songs I Hear Every Morning

Every morning, whilst driving my younger daughter to school, I hear the same four pop songs. This is because she controls the radio during this drive, which is really an unconscionable violation of the universally-understood "driver picks the music" rule, but I let it slide because she is much tougher than I am.

And when I say I hear the same four songs every morning, I mean I literally hear these same four songs every morning. I can't stop it, but at least I can fight back in my own petty way by writing this. So here are my thoughts:

Adele, "Hello" 

First of all, I hate that you can talk about "Hello" now, and it doesn't lead to a bunch of jokes about a blind sculptor creating a bust of Lionel Richie. Sic transit, blah blah.

But let's talk about this song. I kinda hate it. I mean, look, stalking the ex is a time-honored pop song trope, from "I Want You Back" through "Every Breath You Take," "You Oughta Know," and, of course, "Someone Like You." And that's my issue here. It's a complete lyrical retread of Adele's biggest hit, and, as such, it seems awfully cynical.

There's no question that Adele is a fantastically talented singer. But perhaps, like Eric Clapton, she's a master of her instrument but not much of a songwriter. Or perhaps, like Elton John, she's a great composer but not much of a lyricist. In any case, these lyrics blow: they're generic and bland throughout, given weight they don't deserve by Adele's amazing voice. Pretty much like "Someone Like You," to be honest.  

Adele can actually sing and writes great melodies, which already puts her ahead of most pop stars, so maybe I'm asking too much, but someone with such a magical voice should be working with someone who can write lyrics that aren't pedestrian retreads of pedestrian originals.

Drake, "Hotline Bling"  Oh, Drizzy. Are you a rapper who doesn't rap, or a singer who doesn't sing?  In either case, this is a giant steaming turd of a...tough to call it a song. Chant, maybe? Complaint? Boring beat behind..well, again, it's not a rap, really. Nor is it really a song. It's just kind of Drake bitching about how the girl who used to be his booty call is over him.  Which is an okay subject matter for a song, but "used to always stay at home, be a good girl"?? What fucking decade is this? So good girls, apparently, are the ones who stay home and then call Drake when the clubs close. Whereas bad girls are ones who go out dancing and drinking champagne. Seriously, though, this is some textbook misogyny. Which, to be frank, I could overlook if this song had anything else at all going for it. I have no idea why this is a hit. I suspect payola.

Justin Bieber, "What Do You Mean".  Well, at least someone has put out a halfway decent Drake song this year. Oddly enough, it's Bieber. This is the only one of the four current pop songs that isn't about stalking an ex, as Justin smoothly complains about getting mixed signals. Not a great song by any means, but it's the kind of semi-melodic muttering that Drake is apparently no longer good at, and it's at least inoffensive.

Justin Bieber, "Sorry" So Justin's actually singing in this one, and if it's yet another morose number about lost love, or booty call, or whatever (Bieber sounds more than a little surprised that he's "missin' more than just your body"), at least it's got a pop hook and a catchy chorus and a not-completely-somnambulent beat, which is what I think we all expect and, frankly, deserve from our pop music. The best of a bad bunch.

Overall: what a dreary fucking place top-40 pop is these days. I know it's wintertime, but doesn't anybody want to party? Am I crazy to think pop music should be fun?

No More Wraps

Some time in the 1990's, American chefs discovered wrapping stuff in a tortilla. 

Yes, there had been burritos for years, but this--this was something different! This was cold, and it was a wrap! 

When wraps started, I think there was this idea that they were somehow healthier than a regular sandwich. I guess because you could throw a bunch of lettuce into one and it wouldn't leak out the sides. Of course, then people typically drown said lettuce in dressing to make it taste like something, thereby negating any of the alleged healthy effects. Also, tortillas have just as much carbs and calories as regular bread.

So wraps are not healthier than a regular sandwich.  But the idea that they are somehow a healthy choice persists. I think this is because they are terrible. Because here's the thing: cold tortillas are gross. That's why they heat 'em up, either in a lovely little steamer or by filling them with piping hot rice and beans, at burrito places. But when you get a wrap, you can count on your tortilla being room temperature at best, and sometimes ice cold. I suppose the thinking is that anything this unpleasant must be good for you, because why else would anybody eat it?

Sometimes you can get a wrap served in a spinach tortilla. Again, I suppose this is supposed to connote health. But while cold tortillas are gross, cold spinach tortillas are next-level vile. They used to sell these in supermarkets, but you really can't find them anymore because everybody knows they are awful.

Everybody, it seems, except for institutional chefs, who at some point got ahold of the idea that a groovy vegetarian option would be a bunch of roasted vegetables, heavy on the summer squash, inside a spinach tortilla. Preferably served ice cold. 

Nobody wants to eat this. Put this horror show on a real menu and see how many people order it. Also: summer squash? Summer squash is zucchini's even more boring cousin. Becoming a vegetarian does not suddenly make you like bland, limp vegetables. In fact, it actually tends to make you a little more critical of vegetables because you're eating more of them, and you've had them prepared right. Except for summer squash, which cannot be prepared right because it is terrible. I dunno--I had some that was baked with some herbs and feta cheese or some shit once and it was edible because herbs and feta cheese. But mostly it sucks.

The freezing cold spinach tortilla stuffed with roasted summer squash is a cowardly middle finger to vegetarians. I'd much rather get a little card that says, "I am a professional chef, and if I can't put a pint of chicken stock in it, I don't actually think it's food. I'm not making you anything because I hate you." At least then we'd all be on the same page, and I wouldn't be staring at this thing going, "do they think this is a real food that anyone wants to eat?"

The invisible hand of the market has pretty well killed the wrap in most retail outlets. (true! Here in Boston we had a restaurant called "The Wrap," that changed its name to the incomprehensible "Boloco" because they realized years ago that wraps are an abomination and nobody who wants to stay in business should associate themselves with them.)

But the institutional chefs still cling to the wrap. They like it for some reason. Perhaps because tortillas take up less space than bread, and they're so bad when they're cold that nobody really notices if they've gone stale. And maybe they never get the feedback, so here it is: literally everybody hates wraps. Meat eaters, vegetarians, it doesn't matter. We would all prefer a real sandwich on real bread.

No more wraps. Ever. 

7 Most Appalling Songs About Underage Groupies

It was a different time.  A time when rock stars not only committed sex crimes on a regular basis, but also boasted about it in their work, and were never ever prosecuted for it. (Except for Chuck Berry, because racism).

It's kind of weird to me now that I grew up with this stuff on the radio all the time and just felt like it was normal. 

It wasn't normal! It was gross and appalling! So here are the worst of the gross and appalling songs about sleeping with underage fans. And may I add, shame on every artist below!

7."Sweet Little Sixteen"--Chuck Berry. 

 

Barely cracks the list because Chuck is not explicit about his desire for the titular girl, though I suppose we could argue that since all the cats wanna dance with her, and Chuck Berry qualifies as a cat, he at least wants to dance with her.  But given the fact that Chuck Berry spent time in jail for transporting a 14-year-old girl across state lines for "prostitution, debauchery, or other immoral purposes" as the statute he violated has it (he said she was, "anything but innocent," which is a pretty common sexual predator thing to say), then got sued for secretly filming women in the bathroom of an establishment he owned, I think we can say he's a loathsome human being and his interest in sweet little sixteen probably extends beyond a dance. Also he was 32 when he wrote it. Gross.

6."Mellow Yellow"--Donovan. 

 

Tough call as to where to put this one. "I'm just mad about 14," earns Donovan the dubious distinction of having the youngest object of his...whatever of any artist on the list. But the song isn't really all about glorifying this. Given that it starts with being mad about Saffron, who I assume is a girl and not just The Most Expensive Way to Turn Rice Yellow, and then gives way to something about electrical banana, being mad about fourteen can really be seen as just a symptom of the drug-addled hippie decadence that infuses the whole song. Hell, it might just be a hallucination for all we know. Also he was only 20 when he wrote it, which is still gross, but somewhat less gross than a lot of the other folks on this list.

5."Edge of Seventeen"--Stevie Nicks.

 

So someone who's on the edge of seventeen is, legally speaking, still sixteen. When this song came out in 1981, Stevie Nicks was 33. And okay, the song takes place in the past tense, but still. Just because 16 year old boys are pleasuring themselves to your image in Rolling Stone (ahem) doesn't mean you get to actually sleep with them. Ick.

4."Hot Blooded"--Foreigner.

 

"Are you old enough? Will you be ready when I call your bluff?"  I mean, I suppose he's at least asking the question, so points for that, but the rest of the song makes it pretty clear he's not all that concerned with the answer.  And at the end he proclaims, "I'm so hot for you child," which, I mean, okay, I guess we could look at child as a term of endearment like "baby," but, mmmm.... not really. Gross. Why do I suspect that the "you know who" they have to get away from is this girl's parent? 

3."My Sharona"--The Knack.

 

Musically speaking, the best song on the list.  But "I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind" has to be one of the squickiest lyrics ever. And Wikipedia informs me that the song was inspired by a 25-year-old's affair with a 17-year-old.  (Also, peep the lead singer's facial expressions in the video. If you saw this guy on the street, you'd cross to the other side. Especially if you were a teenage girl.) Sharona now sells real estate to the stars and uses the domain name mysharona.com, so I guess she wasn't too scarred by the whole thing, but still. Gross. People who are 25 should not date high school students. Also: the Knack's famous dud of a second album was called "But the little girls understand," which is a reference to "Back Door Man," but in that song it's a little more like he's referring to grown women as "little girls," which is problematic, whereas the Knack seem to actually be talking about little girls.

2. "Christine Sixteen"--KISS.

 

Then-28-year-old Gene Simmons sings about a 16-year-old girl. Gross. Also the spoken word part is deeply creepy--"I don't usually say things like this to girls your age, but when I saw you comin' out of school that day, that day I knew, I knew I got to have ya. I got to have ya!" 

Jesus Christ, Gene. You're a rock star. Why are you perving on girls walking out of school? Also: you don't usually say things like this to high school students? But, you know, sometimes you do? So what you're saying is that this is not like a one-time deal. But sometimes you just happen, as a guy pushing 30, to hit on high school students. Blecch. 

Catchy as hell, though, and Tone Loc sampled it for "Funky Cold Medina," which I guess is also problematic but way better than this.

1."Young Girl"-- Gary Puckett and the Union Gap. 

So the song was  written by a 30-year-old, and the age of the young girl isn't specified, but she's "just a baby in disguise." I suppose one could argue that the guy knows the girl is too young for him, but, as with "Hot Blooded," I'm not at all convinced by his concern. Also, he's all, "better run, girl." Something wrong with your legs, Gary Puckett? (Gary did not write the song, but he chose to record it, so no mercy for him.) Why are you demanding that the young person correct the situation? Again, the  kind of putting the onus on the kid to stop the situation that is kind of typical of predatory adults. 

The hypocritical sanctimony is somehow even more grating than Gene Simmons' straightforward creepiness. Oh, you're so tormented by your sexual desire for someone you know is too young for you! You poor dear! If only she'd leave you alone! Also, whereas most of the other songs on the list have some kind of redeeming quality in terms of being catchy or rockin' out,  there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this song. The appalling lyrics are couched in a treacly arrangement and cheesy vocals. It is a piece of shit about a piece of shit. I did not embed a video because this song is trash and should never be listened to by anyone ever again, even to condemn its awfulness.