2015: The Year in Tweets

That's right, folks, it's time once again for my wrapup of the year 2015 via my fun-sized nuggets of wit and wisdom from Twitter! (I tweet a lot, so I'm selecting only the best for your reading pleasure) Let's get right to it, shall we?

January:

Basically Shonen Knife was still doing top-shelf stuff 25 years after they started. Name me one other band that's true of. I'll wait.

Can't listen to the Feelies too often because they provoke feelings of nostagia/grief that are almost physically painful. Great band, though

You know what's a perfect pop song? Madonna's "Cherish," that's what.

The boy, frying a hot dog in butter & bacon grease, proposes opening a restaurant called, "My Fat Greasy Sack."

He'll retire by 30.

I really hate the euphemism "passed" for "died." It makes the deceased sound like a fart.

#Boston2024 is a disgrace. Shame on @marty_walsh @juliettekayyem and every other "liberal" carrying water for big money on this.

People who are neither French nor in France trying to explain Charlie Hebdo: you know you don't have to chime in on everything, right?

Maybe it's just because I haven't heard it in a while, but Rebbie Jackson's "Centipede" seems to have aged very well

My choice of which of life's myriad horrors I choose to get upset about makes me better than you!--the internet

Dear God, please grant me the ability to keep believing that glob of goo on the locker room shower floor was conditioner.

Whilst wooing my wife, I proclaimed myself a jeepster for her love. Reader, she married me anyway.

Nobody in this house wanted to hear my thoughts about the brilliance of this reggae cover of "Safe European Home."

Really sad to hear about Egmont USA shutting down. Great people there who did a great job with @trixcook & my books.

Listening to The Toxic Avenger Musical soundtrack. One of the top live performances I've ever seen. Great show that deserves many revivals.

Pat Benatar ruined me for other women: nobody else ever said I was the right kind of sinner to release her inner fantasy. And I've asked.

"laughing friends deride tears I cannot hide" is a great rhyme, but Christ, you have some shitty friends.

February

I get summoned by cell phone to drive people around & don't get paid at all. Clearly Uber's business plan was written by my kids.

We talk about how dogs have easy lives, but the search for the perfect place to poop seems quite arduous.
 
It's less our Christian theocrats, and more our Positive Thinkers that make me feel estranged from American Culture.
 
Just wondering if any Vermont rappers have explored the double entendre potential of "Queechee."
 
Middle child has taken to calling me "nuncle," as the fool does to Lear. Pride and horror in equal measures.
 
Systematic disinvestment in public infrastructure so "disruptive" private companies can make $ providing services at higher prices.
 
Boston is living the libertarian end game right now.
 
Probably unoriginal thought, but new to me: after the original creators leave, all comics are fanfic.
 
Worst transportation crisis in 25 years, our genius legislators & governor just cut 40% from transportation budget. # mapoli
 
My favorite Lesley Gore song was always "Maybe I Know."
 
Question I like to ask people who think privatization=better service: do you have Comcast?
 
5 water glasses appeared in the bathroom overnight. It's like someone had the tamest party ever in there.
 
Pretty sure my family loves it when I clink bottles together, screaming "Warriors! Come out to play-he-yay!"
 
I should like to rock and roll. I assume it's a relatively short way to the top?
 
So John Fish has a mayor! What's it gonna take for the City of Boston to get one?
 
Here's a suggestion: read whatever the fuck you want for a year.
 
The Patterson Bigfoot footage is the Zapruder film of my generation. #InSearchOf
 
March:
 
Is it too late for me to cultivate that "he's always wearing a beanie" thing that The Edge has going?
 
Language isn't violence. Violence is violence.
 
You can be that guy insisting that a word doesn't mean what everybody thinks it means, but that's not how language works.
 
Heard a track from the new Van Halen live album today. Time is far kinder to guitarists than singers.
 
If "Blackbird" was the only song Paul McCartney ever wrote, he'd still be one of the great songwriters. Stop hatin'.
 
I always get gouache and ganache confused. You probably don't want me to make you a cake. Or paint anything.
 
Spotted on Milk Street: Keytar Bear doing a funked up cover of Sabbath's Iron Man. How I love that bear...
 
"Why? Why do these dice hate me?!"--teen D&D player in today's library game.
 
John Mayer: "Say what you need to say" Me: "You suck!" Daughter: "Hey!"
 
Kelly green is disgusting, boiled cabbage is disgusting, vomiting in the street is disgusting and St. Patrick's Day sucks.
 
Someone keeps opening coworker's jar of peanuts & saying, "I can't keep my hands off his nuts!" #itsme #hostileworkenvironment
 
Writers get rejected because "we don't see a market," then told not to chase trends. Don't listen to anybody. Write what you want.
 
When @efranklinauthor & I wrote TESSA MASTERSON, I wondered if our Indiana antigay bigots were too over the top. Guess not!
 
Nobody ever finds out about the brooding boy's secret hurt because he's kind of a dick & pushes everyone away. #VeryRealisticYA
 
A new thing I'm trying: listening to that little voice that occasionally says, "maybe you shouldn't tweet that."
 
Pro wrestling is the best sport because you know in advance that all the athletes are on PEDs and the league has fixed the outcome.
 
I'm totally doing tomorrow French style. #Aprilfish
 
April
 
May have been watching too much Mob Wives. Just asked a garbage-eating squirrel, "YOU WANNA [BEEP]IN GO TO WAR WITH ME?"
 
I used to go out to parties and stand around. Cause I was too nervous to really get down. So I stopped going to parties.
 
 I feel like singing "Crimson & Clover." Will somebody come over and pound on my back for the "over and over" part?
 
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is so freaking awesome.
 
Listening to something great & wondering why it's not more popular & then realizing if it were more popular, I'd probably like it less.
 
Quote of the night, from an unnamed family member: "Blake Shelton is a used condom."
 
Yesterday was given over to grief, so I did the cliched grieving activities: got a pedicure & bought comic books.
 
Kid was assigned Delillo's White Noise for school, so I looked it over again. What an unbelievable piece of shit that book is.
 
Grief is pretty multifaceted. Sure, there's sadness, but then there's anger and apathy too! It's a bargain!
 
People complain about how movie X "ruined" their favorite comic character. Shut up. My favorite comic growing up was Howard The Duck.
 
People...people who comment on celebrity Instagram posts....are the saddest people....in the worllllllldddd
 
Dog is licking his genitalia with uncommon gusto.
 
Rollin in my 03 Matrix, windows down, red polo shirt on, harmonizing with Taylor Swift. #Onmywaytostealyrgirl
 
What the hell is it with sensitive singer songwriters and 3/4 time?
 
Neighbors whose party woke me up at 4 AM Sunday got their cars towed for street cleaning today. Shame nobody woke 'em up to remind them.
 
High fives & real pride all around the table when my teen group at East Boston Library finished Horde of the Dragon Queen last night.
 
This is really what's great about tabletop RPGs. The action is imaginary. The sense of accomplishment is real.
 
I've been listening to The Time a lot lately. Turns out bellowing for Jerome to do stuff for you only works for Morris Day.
 
Celebrities: nobody gives a shit about your airline troubles. Welcome to the real world.
 
Heard the new Mumford & Sons song. Dare I hope that faux-roots beard pop is over?
 
Walking at lunch, I heard a woman say, "downloading dirty porn." I stopped and lectured her on avoiding redundancy. #englishteacherproblems
 
Google Music algorithm recommending Jethro Tull & Crosby, Stills & Nash to me reassures me that the singlularity isn't that close after all.
 
May
 
I implore you to visit your comic store today & buy stuff. And remember that every day is free graphic novel day if you have a library card.
 
Research topics for today's writing session included Faraday cages and chicken urine. #TheMoreYouKnow
 
Being good at something doesn't necessarily imply you'll be good at anything else.
 
I believe one can make a strong case for "She's Always in My Hair" as Prince's finest song.
 
Why the hell would we want to convince people that books aren't dangerous? Books are dangerous as hell--that's what makes them awesome.
 
When two hours go by between work emails, & you're like, "is the network down? Did I get fired? Did the world end?"
 
*spends $2.08 on cup of coffee* *spends next hour researching & debating purchase of $1.99 phone game*
 
I've noticed that most "disruptive technologies" are fundamentally aimed at keeping people with money from having to see the rest of us.
 
Meanwhile, on my slow jams station, Teddy Pendergrass just asked to be rubbed down "with some burning hot oils."
 
Which sounds horribly painful to me, but whatever, I guess. Do you, Teddy.
 
Goya has had pull tabs on their cans for YEARS. When is the rest of the world gonna catch up?
 
I give Microsoft a lot of well-deserved shit, but I will say this: Skype for Business has an animated puking emoji. All is forgiven.
 
All alone in my 12-person office. Bout to strip down to socks & undies and lip sync some Carpenters tunes. #Superstar
 
June
 
Kinda hoping to make it onto a "Top 100 Under 100" list before I die.
 
Ridin' against the wind: not as cool as Bob Seger suggests. Felt like I was towing a Uhaul behind my bike this morning.
 
It bugs me that the big reaction to the Caitlyn Jenner cover is "she's beautiful." Is that the best compliment we've got for a woman?
 
If the 4th season of Arrested Development taught us anything, it's that some wonderful things that ended should be left alone.
 
Rock and roll: is it noise pollution? Discuss. #ACDCFinalexam
 
The hi-hat and I have been friends ever since Nenah Cherry introduced us.
 
People in all-white towns like, "OMG that terrible racist lady on Facebook calling for segregation."
 
No, YOU go set a watchman! Do I have to do everything around here?
 
I dunno. On the one hand, those Jurassic World zookeeper photos are cute. On the other hand, fuck zoos.
 
Has anybody done a Rage Against Florence & The Machine mashup yet? Because someone should.
 
At a punk rock show in Central Square. Like I'm 22 again, except Central Square lacks the smell of danger & urine it had back then.
 
Quintessential boys at play moment happening in the park right now: 1 boy holds a truck tire while another beats it with a baseball bat.
 
July
 
The fuck is a "steak tip?" That's pretty much gotta be a euphemism for something horrific.
 
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Gone Girl. Girl on the Train."Girl" in the title=besteller. My new thriller: Girl, You Know It's True.
 
I guess as a writer of books I should hate this stuff, but there's real pleasure in a well-written review that just shreds its subject.
 
Dactyl is a trochee. Anapest is a dactyl. Get your shit together, English.
 
Settlers of Catan: when Monopoly and Risk are not quite tedious enough.
 
Hard to remember how I dealt with shyness in social situations before I could stare at my phone screen.
 
Garrison Keillor is retiring? Who's gonna spin unfunny yarns for old white people now?
 
In Ptown? Come see me at 6:30 at the Fine Arts Work Center, 24 Pearl St! I'll be reading! Sophomoric humor is in the offing!
 
Hmm--maybe it was big egos & strong personalities in the pressure cooker of unprecedented fame that broke up the Beatles. Not freakin' Yoko.
 
Got my tix for Boston Comic Con. Who wants to make me a Power Girl costume?
 
Also, while my knowledge of playing the boogie is less than encyclopedic, it doesn't sound to me like Luther played it especially strange.
 
August
 
If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time and tell every rock band, "That Motown cover is a terrible idea." @TimeWatchRPG
 
Admittedly my hip hop knowledge is outdated, but I feel like if you're gonna start a beef, your name should not contain the word "meek."
 
I used to go out to parties and stand around. Just kidding: that's still what I do. Just kidding: never actually go to parties.
 
Maybe country's not your thing, but you gotta appreciate the genius of a title like "She's actin' single ( I'm drinkin' double)."
 
Also: I haven't seen my mother, baby, standing in the shadows. Probably because she's standing in the shadows. My mother is a ninja.
 
Theory, supported by some data: when Google killed Reader, they cut my blog audience in half
 
"odalisque": French for "side boob."
 
My phone just autocorrected "Darcy" to "Daddy," thereby saving bookish women years of therapy.
 
Art that is earnest and well-intentioned is not necessarily good.
 
Can't wait til swelling on my wasp-stung ring finger goes down. Cuz with no ring, the ladies are ALL OVER THIS.
 
K-cup coffee is ass. You all deserve better. Well, most of you do, anyway.
 
I got loved ones with OCD & bipolar, so when you use those words to describe yr non-pathological quirks, it bugs the crap outta me.
 
"I'm one of the good ones! Everyone pay attention to me!"--white people tweeting about Ferguson
 
Co-worker announced that the IT guys have a "bear cam" up at all times in their department. Really hope it's actual animals...
 
"Okay song, but let's drown out the guitars with horns and strings!"--every 70's pop producer, apparently.
 
Has Tony Orlando ever had his retro-cool revival? Because the 'stache. The tux. He was suave.
 
100 Books To Read Before You Die. Which could be tonight, for all you know. So you'd better start reading.
 
I like to think we shouldn't have guilty pleasures. We should just like what we like. But then "Two Princes" comes on. And I feel guilty.
 
Everybody has known for years how Amazon mistreats warehouse workers. But now that it's office workers people are suddenly angry.
 
Your periodic reminder that the Boston Common and the Boston Public Garden are both singular. There is but one of each, so quit adding an s.
 
Vegetarian, but if a fruit fly lands in my glass of Duvel, I'm drinkin the bitch.
 
One problem with identity politics is this naive idea that some kinds of people are less selfish and horrible than others.
 
When you see someone who might be a former student and you look at her trying to figure it out & then get the stank eye & can't explain.
 
Me, upon seeing a new sitcom premise: "I could literally poo that out before breakfast & still have a full day ahead of me!
 
September
 
Refresh my memory: where is groove again? Kidneys? Liver? Spleen?
 
The "ban bikes because cars sometimes kill cyclists" column is so dumb it took 2 different Globe columnists to write it.
 
You think Steve Winwood is salty that the other "Valerie" is the one everybody knows?
 
I actually like Steve Winwood's "Valerie." Nice chorus and not as much of that farting keyboard sound as most of his songs.
 
Cure for being jealous of kid going to college:spending an hour in this dark, hot, cramped dorm room. Get me back to my real grownup room!
 
Yeah, sometimes I walk like Voldo from Soul Caliber. What of it?
 
Move over, Facebook! Outta my way, Twitter! My social network White People Complain About Stuff is gonna make you all irrelevant!
 
That thing when teenage boys come into your kitchen and then the whole joint smells like feet.
 
Have never tried Sammy Hagar's tequila, as I assume it's just an inferior version of a tequila David Lee Roth used to make.
 
Theory: you can get a rough idea of the amount of leisure time & money people have by what they get outraged about on the internet.
 
I wrote 2 books in which kids go vegetarian as a way to push back vs. the cruelty of the world & JUST NOW realized that's why I did it too.
 
Bush told us to go shopping before lying us into perpetual war. Biggest failure of leadership anyone currently alive will ever see. I hope.
 
I think about this more than I should, but man, Marius chose the wrong girl. Eponine's a feisty badass, Cosette's kind of a simpering ninny.
 
Thought on Alanis Morrisette: "Hands Clean" is as brave and fierce as people mistakenly thought Jagged Little Pill was.
 
Apparent rip in the space-time continuum: saw a man in the locker room donning sock garters this morning.
 
A man said to the universe, "Sir, I have a 28-inch inseam!" "Too bad," the universe replied. "No pants for you, stumpy."
 
Got another (unearned) royalty statement today. You shitbirds need to start buying more of my books. That's all there is to it.
 
Curious George Takes One Last Job #crimeakidsbook
 
Non-comics writers' stunt runs on comics are almost never good. Posehn on Deadpool is the only one I remember not sucking.
 
Bob Mould was more influential muscially, but, on the other hand, half of all 20-something white guys now look like Greg Norton.
 
 Teacher's eternal dilemma: drink enough coffee to be alert, but not so much that you'll have to pee in the middle of class.
 
It may be time to accept that I'm never getting a MacArthur genius grant. So who's got a "reasonably intelligent" grant?
 
There's so much on the internet that outrage helps the article or site or whatever that you're mad at. What kills them is your neglect.
 
October
 
There are few genres lamer than 80's radio rock. Yet there are gems even there.
 
"Urgent" is top notch. Great song from an otherwise aggressively mediocre band.
 
me, to kid: "Ugh. Why must you play Buble?" Kid, to me: "Fuck off. You know he's angelic as fuck."
 
I may be feeling the Bern. Or perhaps it's the black olive pizza I had for lunch.
 
"Dammit, world, validate me! Preferably on an hourly basis!"--me, checking Twitter, email.
 
One mustn't respond to bad reviews. But one may insert "your mom" into them to oneself, e.g.: "your mom has an unsatisfying ending."
 
Just walked out of my office for the last time after 7.5 years. Excited for what's next; sad to say goodbye.
 
This ever-changing world in which we're living has made me give in and cry. Now what?
 
TFW you ride around the smoothest doody. #cocteautwins
 
I've been off Twitter for most of the day. Who should I be shunning?
 
I will stack The Evil One against any work of horror in any medium. Book, movie, whatever. It's fucking terrifying.
 
I still believe that my "Stand for the Fire Demon" shoutout in The Half Life of Planets is the only Roky Erickson reference in any YA book.
 
English: no words should end with "ible" Can we just make 'em all "able?" The current situation is risible.
 
I used to think it was "The love shack is a literal place," like, it's not a metaphor.
 
Brussels sprouts: so much better than Bruges sprouts.
 
Co-workers: "Let's do 80's costumes!" Me: "The 80's are just an idea to you, but that's my real adolescence!"
 
Used to consider myself an atheist, but that lady yelling incoherently into the megaphone in Dudley Square totally converted me!
 
Get a new Android phone: log into Google account. Done. New iPhone: log in to icloud: This backup requires an updated iOS. Launch iTunes...
 
Kid in a Star Wars group insisted she wasn't Chewbacca. With the bandolier & laser crossbow, you goddamn well are Chewbacca, kid!
 
If Mitch Mitchell hadn't played with the best guitarist ever, more people would be talking about what an amazing drummer he was.
 
November
 
Violence & misogyny are baked into the NFL's culture. If you support the NFL, you support that.
 
You will never convince me that stupid shit like what's happening at Yale isn't about rich people trying to deny their own privilege.
 
Sure people died on Halloween, but those are just poors. Think of the rich kids offended by costumes!
 
The cover of that first CSN album is pretty much how I remember every one of my parents' friends' houses in the 70's.
 
There were an unusual number of white people in Franklin Park this afternoon. Did it get mentioned on NPR or something?
 
Not overwhelmed by indifference, but I will admit that the promise of an early bed sounds great.
 
People complaining that the death of my wife ruined their enjoyment of my memoir: yeah, it was tough for me too, fucksticks.
 
TFW you have one eye in the mirror as you watch yourself gavotte
 
Feeling for all the wives caregiving for spouses suffering from CTE #BecauseFootball
 
Had never seen Friends until a family member started watching recently. That show is fucking terrible.
 
December
 
Serious question: is Nancy Sinatra's "Sugartown" about heroin addiction? Cuz I think it is.
 
At some point, Apple went from "we're intuitive and easy to use!" to "fuck you. This is how we do things." When did Apple become Microsoft?
 
Strategically slowing down so your fellow pedestrian reaches the fundraiser first.
 
Just saw Keytar Bear covering the Carpenters. And the world seems less horrible.
 
When people generalize about generations, they really mean "members of this generation of a certain social class."
 
Today on Twitter I learned that there is a real place called Cockermouth.
 
Glenn Tillbrook has taken great care of his voice. He still sounds fantastic. Also: dude can shred, which I didn't know.
 
OED fact: use of "service" in a sexual context dates to 1495 & originates with the phrase The Service of Venus.
 
Words in a book blurb that ensure I'll never read the book: "Lush." "Lyrical." "Atmospheric." "Wise."
 
Just lost a nerf pistol duel. #aaronburrsir
 
OH MY GOD. Hearing Erma Franklin's original "Piece of My Heart" for the first time. Amazing to hear this sung by someone who can sing.
 
I get that rejection is a part of this writing business. I really do. But consistent rejection since 2012 is getting tough to take.
 
Don't call new Star Wars TFA unless it's about a jedi who gets 5 weeks training, quits after 2 years & then becomes a "force reformer."
 
People will literally never tire of writing these, "oh THIS writer transcends genre" pieces about genre writers they guiltily admire.
 
So weird that people still feign shock that pro athletes are doping.
 
Cleaning up after dinner is a shitty anticlimax. It's The Scouring of the Shire of cooking.
 
66 2/3% shall henceforward be known as "The Meat Loaf Standard."
 
Wait--Lemmy died? LEMMY? No way. If Lemmy was capable of dying, he woulda done it some time in the 70's! I won't believe it!