AVIS Viswanathan's Blog, page 19
September 17, 2015
Peel off and junk this label called “failure” – to hell with it!
You fail at something only when you can’t – or refuse to – face the reality. Not when you try, fall and don’t achieve the outcome you planned for.
I read an interesting interview with American researcher, story teller and author, Brene Brown, in a recent issue of TIME. Her most recent book Rising Stronghas just been released and deals with the subject of failure. Brown tells Belinda Luscombe of TIME, “We are handling failure with a lot of lip service. When failure doesn’t hurt, it’s not failure. He or she who is most capable of being uncomfortable rises the fastest…Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgment.”
I can relate to every word of what Brown is saying. I come from the view that nobody fails at anything just because the outcomes are not what society expects or what you want. Failure and success are but social labels. They come from judgment. Now, why judge anyone for any reason in the first place? So, when Brown says that one’s capacity to deal with being uncomfortable contributes to rising strong, she’s right! What does being uncomfortable mean? It means you don’t like what you are seeing. It means you are honest to yourself and are seeing the reality as it is. You are not in denial. When you accept a situation, you can handle it much, much better than when you don’t accept it. It’s as simple as that.
A friend of ours is separating from her husband. Now two people, mature adults, are concluding that they can’t be together anymore. Where is the need for failure as a label to come in here? But it does. The families of both people are labeling the marriage as a failure. And they don’t like our friend talking openly about it. They are trying to cover-up the separation as something that is bad, as if something grave has happened. But our friend is very clear. She says, “Listen, it is not working out. I didn’t sign up for this to be unhappy. I am very unhappy in his presence. I am moving on.” This ability to face the reality, to accept an uncomfortable truth that it’s all over (in the context of our friend’s marriage) – this is what determines how strongly you rise from a setback. Earlier this week, actors Konkona Sen Sharma and Ranvir Shorey too handled their separation – or their ‘failed’ marriage per a social definition – admirably. Here’s what Konkona tweeted: “Ranvir and I have mutually decided to separate, but continue to be friends and co-parent our son. Will appreciate your support. Thank you!”
We must all realize that things just happen in Life. We don’t always get what we want. To feel shameful of a situation is never going to help change it. Shame breeds guilt over what you may have done. Covering up an outcome that you don’t like to accept doesn’t help either. It is only going to accentuate your stress. And please don’t judge yourself. We all try. And we often don’t get what we set out to achieve. The logical next step is to try again – and try differently. It is not to sit and brood over what has happened.
I would go a step further than Brown and say there is nothing called failure. Or success. Both are subjective and are defined by a society that judges people far too quickly without ever having been in their shoes. I think you fail at something only when you refuse to face it. When you face a situation, when you see and accept reality, your desire to change that reality spurs you into action. Only through action can there be change, progress – and inner peace!
I read an interesting interview with American researcher, story teller and author, Brene Brown, in a recent issue of TIME. Her most recent book Rising Stronghas just been released and deals with the subject of failure. Brown tells Belinda Luscombe of TIME, “We are handling failure with a lot of lip service. When failure doesn’t hurt, it’s not failure. He or she who is most capable of being uncomfortable rises the fastest…Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence and judgment.”
I can relate to every word of what Brown is saying. I come from the view that nobody fails at anything just because the outcomes are not what society expects or what you want. Failure and success are but social labels. They come from judgment. Now, why judge anyone for any reason in the first place? So, when Brown says that one’s capacity to deal with being uncomfortable contributes to rising strong, she’s right! What does being uncomfortable mean? It means you don’t like what you are seeing. It means you are honest to yourself and are seeing the reality as it is. You are not in denial. When you accept a situation, you can handle it much, much better than when you don’t accept it. It’s as simple as that.
A friend of ours is separating from her husband. Now two people, mature adults, are concluding that they can’t be together anymore. Where is the need for failure as a label to come in here? But it does. The families of both people are labeling the marriage as a failure. And they don’t like our friend talking openly about it. They are trying to cover-up the separation as something that is bad, as if something grave has happened. But our friend is very clear. She says, “Listen, it is not working out. I didn’t sign up for this to be unhappy. I am very unhappy in his presence. I am moving on.” This ability to face the reality, to accept an uncomfortable truth that it’s all over (in the context of our friend’s marriage) – this is what determines how strongly you rise from a setback. Earlier this week, actors Konkona Sen Sharma and Ranvir Shorey too handled their separation – or their ‘failed’ marriage per a social definition – admirably. Here’s what Konkona tweeted: “Ranvir and I have mutually decided to separate, but continue to be friends and co-parent our son. Will appreciate your support. Thank you!”
We must all realize that things just happen in Life. We don’t always get what we want. To feel shameful of a situation is never going to help change it. Shame breeds guilt over what you may have done. Covering up an outcome that you don’t like to accept doesn’t help either. It is only going to accentuate your stress. And please don’t judge yourself. We all try. And we often don’t get what we set out to achieve. The logical next step is to try again – and try differently. It is not to sit and brood over what has happened. I would go a step further than Brown and say there is nothing called failure. Or success. Both are subjective and are defined by a society that judges people far too quickly without ever having been in their shoes. I think you fail at something only when you refuse to face it. When you face a situation, when you see and accept reality, your desire to change that reality spurs you into action. Only through action can there be change, progress – and inner peace!
September 16, 2015
Flush yourself from time to time – just let it go
Keeping your emotions bottled up is the surest way to suffer. Sometimes, you must let it all go!
All our experiences are emotional. Long after the experiences are over the emotions still remain in us. Often times, we keep those emotions bottled up within us. We believe that being strong through a difficult, challenging, phase means we must bury our emotions; we must not cry, we must not express how we are feeling. This belief can sometimes be ruinous. This is what leads to people slipping into depression or causes them to be unhappy or even, in some extreme cases, leads to people taking their lives.
There’s a better way to deal with your emotions. Simply flush yourself from time to time. Flushing here means talk to a friend, or sit alone in a place where you are comfortable – the beach, a park, your room, wherever you feel good being alone – and cry or talk to complete strangers in a bar or on a bus. The key is to express how you are feeling. It is through expressing yourself that you can heal: artists either paint or sing or dance, someone just cooks or immerses in gardening, someone jogs or goes for a long walk and still others just travel – solo! Whatever gives you joy, whatever helps you flush yourself, do it. But please do it.
Most people fear or avoid flushing out because they feel it is wrong to break down, to feel helpless and to show their human, vulnerable, side. This is so untrue. Keeping things bottled up pushes you into a depressive spiral. Now, depression is a deceptive adversary. It makes you believe that being depressed is a nice thing to do, a great place to be in. It makes you strangely feel comfortable. When you are depressed and sad, people are doting over you. They want to help you. You feel important. You don’t have to do anything. You are taken care of, provided for and, in a way, even pampered. But too much of languishing in this comfort zone makes it habitual. Then you are unable to break free from the depression. You start seeking and craving understanding. But how much compassion and understanding can you expect from people who care for you when you don’t want to help yourself? So, over time, the people go away, they lose interest and hope in you and you become alone, feel lonely, and sink deeper in depression. This is why depression eventually kills – first your spirit and then, in some cases, the person itself!
To be sure, being depressed never solved anyone’s problems. Crying over a problem does not solve it either. But what is good about flushing out, venting, crying is that it purges all your negativity. Getting it all out, letting it all go, every once in a while, cleanses you and heals you. Flushing yourself may not take away your source of pain but it definitely reduces your suffering exponentially.
All our experiences are emotional. Long after the experiences are over the emotions still remain in us. Often times, we keep those emotions bottled up within us. We believe that being strong through a difficult, challenging, phase means we must bury our emotions; we must not cry, we must not express how we are feeling. This belief can sometimes be ruinous. This is what leads to people slipping into depression or causes them to be unhappy or even, in some extreme cases, leads to people taking their lives.
There’s a better way to deal with your emotions. Simply flush yourself from time to time. Flushing here means talk to a friend, or sit alone in a place where you are comfortable – the beach, a park, your room, wherever you feel good being alone – and cry or talk to complete strangers in a bar or on a bus. The key is to express how you are feeling. It is through expressing yourself that you can heal: artists either paint or sing or dance, someone just cooks or immerses in gardening, someone jogs or goes for a long walk and still others just travel – solo! Whatever gives you joy, whatever helps you flush yourself, do it. But please do it. Most people fear or avoid flushing out because they feel it is wrong to break down, to feel helpless and to show their human, vulnerable, side. This is so untrue. Keeping things bottled up pushes you into a depressive spiral. Now, depression is a deceptive adversary. It makes you believe that being depressed is a nice thing to do, a great place to be in. It makes you strangely feel comfortable. When you are depressed and sad, people are doting over you. They want to help you. You feel important. You don’t have to do anything. You are taken care of, provided for and, in a way, even pampered. But too much of languishing in this comfort zone makes it habitual. Then you are unable to break free from the depression. You start seeking and craving understanding. But how much compassion and understanding can you expect from people who care for you when you don’t want to help yourself? So, over time, the people go away, they lose interest and hope in you and you become alone, feel lonely, and sink deeper in depression. This is why depression eventually kills – first your spirit and then, in some cases, the person itself!
To be sure, being depressed never solved anyone’s problems. Crying over a problem does not solve it either. But what is good about flushing out, venting, crying is that it purges all your negativity. Getting it all out, letting it all go, every once in a while, cleanses you and heals you. Flushing yourself may not take away your source of pain but it definitely reduces your suffering exponentially.
September 15, 2015
Since you can’t delete, choose not to revisit
You can’t delete any chapter from your Life. At best you can choose not to revisit it!
I was talking to a friend the other day who has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother – quite the way I do. We shared notes on how much our world expects us to brush aside the way we have been treated and pretend as if everything’s been perfect with our lives. Now, here, I am not talking about clinging on to the past and grieving over what has happened or the way things are. I am referring to an expectation that most people have of you – which is, even if you don’t want to engage in the dysfunctional relationship and prefer maintaining a dignified silence and distance, you are expected to be nice and demonstrate socially correct, often politically too, etiquette. Why?
The bigger question is why is it not right to be away from someone who makes you unhappy and in whose presence you just stop being yourself? Why must you grit your teeth and put up with relationships where there is no relating with that someone anymore, where neither party is happy? I believe that if people have not been able to give each other dignity – for whatever reason – they have no business being together. Period. There are really no two ways about it.
In our Tam Bram (Tamizh Brahmins – to boot, I am Palaghattan, additionally, for no apparent reason that I contributed to!) culture, there’s a euphemism for helping people ‘cope with dysfunctional relationships’. It goes like this: “Ellaru aathuleyum nadakarthuthaane!”. It means such dysfunctions exist all around us, in all families, so just learn to adjust, accommodate and go on. To be sure, I see the wisdom in such thinking. It is profound. We must as humans definitely accept the diversity about, in and around us. But what if the person in question, with whom you have no chemistry, continues to give you a hard time? What if each conversation is abrasive, each action is manipulative and you just don’t enjoy meeting this person?
The best way then, from what I have learned from my own experience, is that in everyone’s interest – yours, the other party’s and in the interest of the extended circle of influence – two people who cannot get along well must just stay apart. I have learned also not to carry any grudges. Or hatred. I have forgiven myself. And those that I cannot stand and who have hurt me or betrayed my trust. Even so, I cannot forget what has happened to me through experiences arising from such dysfunctional relationships. I know I can’t delete those chapters from my Life. So I have chosen not to revisit them! Simple.
I was talking to a friend the other day who has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother – quite the way I do. We shared notes on how much our world expects us to brush aside the way we have been treated and pretend as if everything’s been perfect with our lives. Now, here, I am not talking about clinging on to the past and grieving over what has happened or the way things are. I am referring to an expectation that most people have of you – which is, even if you don’t want to engage in the dysfunctional relationship and prefer maintaining a dignified silence and distance, you are expected to be nice and demonstrate socially correct, often politically too, etiquette. Why?The bigger question is why is it not right to be away from someone who makes you unhappy and in whose presence you just stop being yourself? Why must you grit your teeth and put up with relationships where there is no relating with that someone anymore, where neither party is happy? I believe that if people have not been able to give each other dignity – for whatever reason – they have no business being together. Period. There are really no two ways about it.
In our Tam Bram (Tamizh Brahmins – to boot, I am Palaghattan, additionally, for no apparent reason that I contributed to!) culture, there’s a euphemism for helping people ‘cope with dysfunctional relationships’. It goes like this: “Ellaru aathuleyum nadakarthuthaane!”. It means such dysfunctions exist all around us, in all families, so just learn to adjust, accommodate and go on. To be sure, I see the wisdom in such thinking. It is profound. We must as humans definitely accept the diversity about, in and around us. But what if the person in question, with whom you have no chemistry, continues to give you a hard time? What if each conversation is abrasive, each action is manipulative and you just don’t enjoy meeting this person?
The best way then, from what I have learned from my own experience, is that in everyone’s interest – yours, the other party’s and in the interest of the extended circle of influence – two people who cannot get along well must just stay apart. I have learned also not to carry any grudges. Or hatred. I have forgiven myself. And those that I cannot stand and who have hurt me or betrayed my trust. Even so, I cannot forget what has happened to me through experiences arising from such dysfunctional relationships. I know I can’t delete those chapters from my Life. So I have chosen not to revisit them! Simple.
September 14, 2015
Are you the Master or are you enslaved?
Is something possessing you? Or are you possessing something?
I saw a lead story in The Economic Times last week saying the iPhone 6S which launches in the US on September 25 will be available in the Indian grey market for Rs.1 Lakh – instantaneously. When I read the story, I could not help but reflect on the way some people look at Life. (Disclosure: I have never owned an iPhone. Ever since the iPhone launched I have been unable to afford one. My current phone is a basic Samsung smartphone that my friend has helped me acquire.) The fact that grey market entrepreneurs in India are seeing a business opportunity here is evidence that there are people who
want
to have that phone
now
. But I wonder why people can’t wait for an official India launch – after all isn’t India a big market for all ranges of phones? Perhaps, allowing logistical and regulatory delays, the iPhone 6S may well be available here by year-end. I am not even talking about the monetary price that people are willing to pay, I guess there is a spiritual perspective, a heavier price that people have to pay actually, to consider here –
in reality, isn’t the iPhone 6S possessing these people while it only appears that they are rushing to possess the phone?
The iPhone 6S is but a metaphor. All of us are possessed, in fact enslaved, by our thoughts, by things we have bought and by opinions that we have cultivated. In our trying to build an identity for ourselves, what we have started to focus on is what we want to possess; in wanting more of such possessions we are missing the point that the possession has begun to possess us! And what possesses us goes beyond the material realm. I have a friend who believes that the world must go on appreciating his work – he is world-famous and a legend in his field. But he craves for validation and public appreciation – constantly. When he or his work doesn’t get noticed or talked about, he feels miserable. Now, who’s possessing whom – does my friend possess the attention he gets or does the attention that he doesn’t get possess him?
There’s nothing wrong in seeking attention if you can get it or buying what you want if you can afford it. But to become obsessed with what you want will leave you suffering when you don’t get what you want. It’s a simple truth that you miss – if you own something, you are its Master. If something owns you, it is the Master.
How many Masters do you have? Review your Life – from a ruinous habit to your car to an opinion to your thoughts to a parent to a spouse, anything or anyone can be controlling you. Even if you have one thing or person controlling you, you are living enslaved. To be free, you must stop wanting, stop obsessing. You must let go and simply learn to be happy with whatever you get and whatever there is.
I saw a lead story in The Economic Times last week saying the iPhone 6S which launches in the US on September 25 will be available in the Indian grey market for Rs.1 Lakh – instantaneously. When I read the story, I could not help but reflect on the way some people look at Life. (Disclosure: I have never owned an iPhone. Ever since the iPhone launched I have been unable to afford one. My current phone is a basic Samsung smartphone that my friend has helped me acquire.) The fact that grey market entrepreneurs in India are seeing a business opportunity here is evidence that there are people who
want
to have that phone
now
. But I wonder why people can’t wait for an official India launch – after all isn’t India a big market for all ranges of phones? Perhaps, allowing logistical and regulatory delays, the iPhone 6S may well be available here by year-end. I am not even talking about the monetary price that people are willing to pay, I guess there is a spiritual perspective, a heavier price that people have to pay actually, to consider here –
in reality, isn’t the iPhone 6S possessing these people while it only appears that they are rushing to possess the phone?
The iPhone 6S is but a metaphor. All of us are possessed, in fact enslaved, by our thoughts, by things we have bought and by opinions that we have cultivated. In our trying to build an identity for ourselves, what we have started to focus on is what we want to possess; in wanting more of such possessions we are missing the point that the possession has begun to possess us! And what possesses us goes beyond the material realm. I have a friend who believes that the world must go on appreciating his work – he is world-famous and a legend in his field. But he craves for validation and public appreciation – constantly. When he or his work doesn’t get noticed or talked about, he feels miserable. Now, who’s possessing whom – does my friend possess the attention he gets or does the attention that he doesn’t get possess him?
There’s nothing wrong in seeking attention if you can get it or buying what you want if you can afford it. But to become obsessed with what you want will leave you suffering when you don’t get what you want. It’s a simple truth that you miss – if you own something, you are its Master. If something owns you, it is the Master.
How many Masters do you have? Review your Life – from a ruinous habit to your car to an opinion to your thoughts to a parent to a spouse, anything or anyone can be controlling you. Even if you have one thing or person controlling you, you are living enslaved. To be free, you must stop wanting, stop obsessing. You must let go and simply learn to be happy with whatever you get and whatever there is.
The only way to heal is to share, be open and not worry about being vulnerable!
You are not alone. Everyone has problems. So, stop obsessing over your problems and start living.
Our daughter has enrolled for a Creative Dance Movement Therapy Program. She intends to make a career out of practicing dance movement therapy. We asked her how her Program was coming along. Over some soup and pasta, she explained to us how the Program’s instructor insisted that they employ the therapy techniques on themselves first. She said: “It was a therapeutic, healing experience. As each of my class fellows shared their Life stories, I realized that we are not the only ones facing problems. Everyone is. And the only way to heal yourself is to be open, to share what you feel and to not worry about being vulnerable.”
I am delighted our daughter at 20-something has understood the futility of keeping things bottled up. I learnt this only when I was 35. Sadly, many people still don’t get it.
All our suffering comes from wanting our lives to be different from what it is now. And because it is not always possible to change what is, we spend our lives pretending that everything’s normal. For instance, people carry on with broken marriages because they worry about social approval, people live beyond their means because they want to maintain a public profile, people don’t speak their mind because they want to be nice to their oppressors and people are refusing to forgive themselves for what they have said and done only because they are still clinging on to anger and guilt. Here’s the nub: As long as we live, we will face problems. Some of the problems will cripple us physically, some will drain us emotionally. In either context, we must be willing to let go of past experiences, hurts, insults and opinions, and, in many cases, even people – we must simply move on. Anything and anyone that makes us unhappy must be avoided – like plague, even if it is our own thoughts, or even if it is someone with whom we have a biological connect! The past serves only one purpose: it teaches us lessons from what we have been through. Beyond the lesson, we have must have no attachment to a past event, person or experience.
If you are clinging on to someone or something and are suffering, then open up and share. When you share, you may be vulnerable. But you will also heal. You fear being vulnerable only because you think people will take advantage of you. If they do, that’s a learning too – that you can’t count on such people. Believe me, I have been wearing my Life on my sleeve for over 15 years now. And so far, none has exploited my vulnerability. Because, contrary to what we all think, this is a wonderful world, with beautiful, compassionate people!
Our daughter has enrolled for a Creative Dance Movement Therapy Program. She intends to make a career out of practicing dance movement therapy. We asked her how her Program was coming along. Over some soup and pasta, she explained to us how the Program’s instructor insisted that they employ the therapy techniques on themselves first. She said: “It was a therapeutic, healing experience. As each of my class fellows shared their Life stories, I realized that we are not the only ones facing problems. Everyone is. And the only way to heal yourself is to be open, to share what you feel and to not worry about being vulnerable.”
I am delighted our daughter at 20-something has understood the futility of keeping things bottled up. I learnt this only when I was 35. Sadly, many people still don’t get it.
All our suffering comes from wanting our lives to be different from what it is now. And because it is not always possible to change what is, we spend our lives pretending that everything’s normal. For instance, people carry on with broken marriages because they worry about social approval, people live beyond their means because they want to maintain a public profile, people don’t speak their mind because they want to be nice to their oppressors and people are refusing to forgive themselves for what they have said and done only because they are still clinging on to anger and guilt. Here’s the nub: As long as we live, we will face problems. Some of the problems will cripple us physically, some will drain us emotionally. In either context, we must be willing to let go of past experiences, hurts, insults and opinions, and, in many cases, even people – we must simply move on. Anything and anyone that makes us unhappy must be avoided – like plague, even if it is our own thoughts, or even if it is someone with whom we have a biological connect! The past serves only one purpose: it teaches us lessons from what we have been through. Beyond the lesson, we have must have no attachment to a past event, person or experience. If you are clinging on to someone or something and are suffering, then open up and share. When you share, you may be vulnerable. But you will also heal. You fear being vulnerable only because you think people will take advantage of you. If they do, that’s a learning too – that you can’t count on such people. Believe me, I have been wearing my Life on my sleeve for over 15 years now. And so far, none has exploited my vulnerability. Because, contrary to what we all think, this is a wonderful world, with beautiful, compassionate people!
September 12, 2015
If you can soak in Seetha maami’s wisdom, you are home!
You come with nothing. And you will go with nothing. Then, as Osho, the Master, asks, “Why all this drama in between?”
Kapoor's Bean in Chicago and the Karamay imitation
Photo Courtesy: The EconomistOur son studied at the University of Chicago. We have visited him on a couple of occasions when he used to live in Chicago. One of the many attractions of downtown Chicago is a sculpture in Millennium Park called “Cloud Gate”, nicknamed the Bean, by celebrated India-born British artist, Anish Kapoor. It’s a fun sculpture, though it is a very serious artistic creation too, for tourists because of its brilliant photo-taking opportunity – given its unique reflective properties. We have also been there in front of the Bean and shot our pictures as a family. So, I was rather intrigued to read in a recent issue of The Economist that a city called Karamay in western China was unveiling a sculpture very similar to Kapoor’s Bean later this month. This has apparently left Kapoor fuming.
Kapoor’s reaction surprised me. The Economist reports: ““In China today it is permissible to steal the creativity of others,” he (Kapoor) said, vowing to take his grievance to the highest level and pursue those responsible in court. Mr.Kapoor expressed hope that the mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, would join him in his crusade for his copyright. Yet Mr.Emanuel took a very different view of the Karamay version of the Bean. “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery,” he (Emanuel) said (and added), “And if you want to see original artwork…you come to Chicago.””
It’s a pity Kapoor is not getting what Emanuel has to say! I agree with Emanuel on this one. Because I come from the Osho school of thought.
This whole lifetime of ours is spent in acquiring – from a name at birth to qualifications to wealth to patents to relationships to assets – only to give up everything when leaving this planet. So, this way, living in a forever-acquiring-mode, we are completely missing the essence of Life – which is to experience everything that comes to us or happens to us in Life.
To be sure, you must never be serious about what you can never hold on to, what you have to lose any which way and what you can never save for use in another lifetime (as far as each of us experientially knows, there isn’t another lifetime; this is it !). There is no point in being so serious about what you own, what is yours and most of what you want to fight for. Even this lifetime is a gift – you didn’t ask to be born, did you? Your birth, as a (well-ordained, in most cases) human, is your biggest, priceless, gift. (And yet, imagine, so many sweat or sulk over material birthday gifts that money can buy!!!) By fighting silly battles with people and over issues that are inconsequential in the longer term of your definite-to-expire lifetime, you are squandering precious time.
Last evening, our close friend Janaki, coincidentally, shared what her mother-in-law, Seetha, has told her in the context of Life. I believe it is pertinent to quote Seetha here: “I have gone to several cremation grounds over a period of time. What I have found is that nobody has been able to take anything with them. You too look around. If you find anyone being able to take anything with them, do let me know.” Seetha’s wisdom is elementary and, therefore, unputdownable.
I think Kapoor (and his fight over the Bean) is but a metaphor. There’s a Kapoor in each of us. We are often clinging on to people, relationships, ideas, opinions, IPRs, property, money and what not. And through each act of clinging on, and with each avoidable battle we fight, we are suffering. The only way to escape all that suffering is this: soak in Seetha’s philosophy. If you can get it into you, and have it stay there, well, you are home! Enjoy your Sunday, meanwhile, this one isn’t ever gonna come back!
Kapoor's Bean in Chicago and the Karamay imitationPhoto Courtesy: The EconomistOur son studied at the University of Chicago. We have visited him on a couple of occasions when he used to live in Chicago. One of the many attractions of downtown Chicago is a sculpture in Millennium Park called “Cloud Gate”, nicknamed the Bean, by celebrated India-born British artist, Anish Kapoor. It’s a fun sculpture, though it is a very serious artistic creation too, for tourists because of its brilliant photo-taking opportunity – given its unique reflective properties. We have also been there in front of the Bean and shot our pictures as a family. So, I was rather intrigued to read in a recent issue of The Economist that a city called Karamay in western China was unveiling a sculpture very similar to Kapoor’s Bean later this month. This has apparently left Kapoor fuming.
Kapoor’s reaction surprised me. The Economist reports: ““In China today it is permissible to steal the creativity of others,” he (Kapoor) said, vowing to take his grievance to the highest level and pursue those responsible in court. Mr.Kapoor expressed hope that the mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel, would join him in his crusade for his copyright. Yet Mr.Emanuel took a very different view of the Karamay version of the Bean. “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery,” he (Emanuel) said (and added), “And if you want to see original artwork…you come to Chicago.””
It’s a pity Kapoor is not getting what Emanuel has to say! I agree with Emanuel on this one. Because I come from the Osho school of thought.
This whole lifetime of ours is spent in acquiring – from a name at birth to qualifications to wealth to patents to relationships to assets – only to give up everything when leaving this planet. So, this way, living in a forever-acquiring-mode, we are completely missing the essence of Life – which is to experience everything that comes to us or happens to us in Life.
To be sure, you must never be serious about what you can never hold on to, what you have to lose any which way and what you can never save for use in another lifetime (as far as each of us experientially knows, there isn’t another lifetime; this is it !). There is no point in being so serious about what you own, what is yours and most of what you want to fight for. Even this lifetime is a gift – you didn’t ask to be born, did you? Your birth, as a (well-ordained, in most cases) human, is your biggest, priceless, gift. (And yet, imagine, so many sweat or sulk over material birthday gifts that money can buy!!!) By fighting silly battles with people and over issues that are inconsequential in the longer term of your definite-to-expire lifetime, you are squandering precious time.
Last evening, our close friend Janaki, coincidentally, shared what her mother-in-law, Seetha, has told her in the context of Life. I believe it is pertinent to quote Seetha here: “I have gone to several cremation grounds over a period of time. What I have found is that nobody has been able to take anything with them. You too look around. If you find anyone being able to take anything with them, do let me know.” Seetha’s wisdom is elementary and, therefore, unputdownable.
I think Kapoor (and his fight over the Bean) is but a metaphor. There’s a Kapoor in each of us. We are often clinging on to people, relationships, ideas, opinions, IPRs, property, money and what not. And through each act of clinging on, and with each avoidable battle we fight, we are suffering. The only way to escape all that suffering is this: soak in Seetha’s philosophy. If you can get it into you, and have it stay there, well, you are home! Enjoy your Sunday, meanwhile, this one isn’t ever gonna come back!
September 11, 2015
Situations become difficult because honest conversations are not had
Sometimes in Life you may not want to have some conversations.
You may want to run away from them. But don’t.
It is through simple, honest, conversations, however difficult they may be, that you can attempt to resolve tricky situations or at least get things off your chest, leading you to peace. The reason why you want to avoid talking to some people is because you experience them differently. You don’t see them as being open, having integrity or matching up to your standards of thinking. First, know that it is absolutely fine to think the way you are thinking about people. You are normal. Now that you feel better, remember also that people are different the world over. Just as you are entitled to your opinion others are too. And if their opinion does not match yours, so be it. There is nothing tragic about a difference of opinion or perspective. Don’t dramatize the way you feel about it.
Instead of conjuring up a non-existent emotional scenario in your mind, go out there and speak your mind. And if you don’t want to do it upfront, please join if the other party starts a conversation. Don’t react. Just state what you feel. Don’t intellectualize, don’t sermonize. Speak from the heart sincerely, without fearing how you will be interpreted. Give the situation and the person you speak to dignity. Know that you may not be able to generate a resolution but you would have moved in the right direction. You will feel better. And that’s the first and most important step to peace and joy. It is only from your inner joy that you can generate joy in your circle of influence, which includes the person(s) that you are trying to avoid just now.
Conversations are not difficult to have. You make situations difficult by not having honest conversations!
You may want to run away from them. But don’t.
It is through simple, honest, conversations, however difficult they may be, that you can attempt to resolve tricky situations or at least get things off your chest, leading you to peace. The reason why you want to avoid talking to some people is because you experience them differently. You don’t see them as being open, having integrity or matching up to your standards of thinking. First, know that it is absolutely fine to think the way you are thinking about people. You are normal. Now that you feel better, remember also that people are different the world over. Just as you are entitled to your opinion others are too. And if their opinion does not match yours, so be it. There is nothing tragic about a difference of opinion or perspective. Don’t dramatize the way you feel about it. Instead of conjuring up a non-existent emotional scenario in your mind, go out there and speak your mind. And if you don’t want to do it upfront, please join if the other party starts a conversation. Don’t react. Just state what you feel. Don’t intellectualize, don’t sermonize. Speak from the heart sincerely, without fearing how you will be interpreted. Give the situation and the person you speak to dignity. Know that you may not be able to generate a resolution but you would have moved in the right direction. You will feel better. And that’s the first and most important step to peace and joy. It is only from your inner joy that you can generate joy in your circle of influence, which includes the person(s) that you are trying to avoid just now.
Conversations are not difficult to have. You make situations difficult by not having honest conversations!
September 10, 2015
Live Unsoiled!
Learn to live unsoiled by the world.
There are enough and more temptations and distractions out there. And we are not talking about materialistic objects of desire alone. Or of ruinous addictions like alcohol, tobacco or drugs either. While these are deterrents to intelligent living, most certainly, what we need to be wary off also are the myriad ways in which we get dragged into brooding or worrying on a daily basis. Think deeply about this. How often in a day do you worry about a future event __ someone’s terminal illness and impending passing, a child’s graduation, someone’s wedding or loans to be repaid? How often in a day do you grieve over the past __ having experienced someone wrongly, an irreconcilable loss, a mistake you made, a hurt you caused someone? How often do you lose your patience or temper or both daily __ on a child or spouse or subordinate or with just someone on the street? Each of these episodes takes us away from living. Every time we worry about the future or fret over the past or get dragged into anger spells, every single time, we die a death.
The ultimate goal and measure of success of intelligent living is
not
to change your external environment and make it incapable of causing you worry or making you feel guilty or angry. It is about engineering your inner space and insulating yourself from the vagaries of the world. This is what the Bible says ‘living in the world but not of it’ and what the Bhagavad Gita advises of ‘being in this world but being above it’.
The Buddha enlightens us, making this perspective simpler and easier to hold, using the metaphor of the lotus, “As a lotus flower is born in water, grows in water and rises out of water to stand above it unsoiled, so I, born in the world raised in the world having overcome the world, live unsoiled by the world.” Imagine being like a lotus. You too must avoid letting your soul be soiled and live, unsoiled, in bliss!
There are enough and more temptations and distractions out there. And we are not talking about materialistic objects of desire alone. Or of ruinous addictions like alcohol, tobacco or drugs either. While these are deterrents to intelligent living, most certainly, what we need to be wary off also are the myriad ways in which we get dragged into brooding or worrying on a daily basis. Think deeply about this. How often in a day do you worry about a future event __ someone’s terminal illness and impending passing, a child’s graduation, someone’s wedding or loans to be repaid? How often in a day do you grieve over the past __ having experienced someone wrongly, an irreconcilable loss, a mistake you made, a hurt you caused someone? How often do you lose your patience or temper or both daily __ on a child or spouse or subordinate or with just someone on the street? Each of these episodes takes us away from living. Every time we worry about the future or fret over the past or get dragged into anger spells, every single time, we die a death.
The ultimate goal and measure of success of intelligent living is
not
to change your external environment and make it incapable of causing you worry or making you feel guilty or angry. It is about engineering your inner space and insulating yourself from the vagaries of the world. This is what the Bible says ‘living in the world but not of it’ and what the Bhagavad Gita advises of ‘being in this world but being above it’. The Buddha enlightens us, making this perspective simpler and easier to hold, using the metaphor of the lotus, “As a lotus flower is born in water, grows in water and rises out of water to stand above it unsoiled, so I, born in the world raised in the world having overcome the world, live unsoiled by the world.” Imagine being like a lotus. You too must avoid letting your soul be soiled and live, unsoiled, in bliss!
Stop being anything else but happy – you are happiness!
Happiness cannot be pursued. It is who you are.
A common and grave misconception occurs when we mix up the definitions of happiness and success. Success is getting what you want __ a college degree, a car, a new apartment, an overseas job, a billion dollar fortune, whatever! But you may not always get what you want in Life. Happiness, therefore, is wanting what you get! Despite all your hard work, you may not graduate. You may not get the car of your choice. Or get an apartment in the neighborhood that your preferred. Or someone else may get the lucrative job that you wanted! Or a quirk of circumstance may deny you the fortune. The ability to be happy despite not getting what you want and despite your circumstance is true happiness. And that ability is resident in each of us: in you, in me, in everyone!
Nisha Kapashi: in 2011 (left) and now (right)
Photo Courtesy: ScoopWhoop/InternetI read a story on ScoopWhoop this morning that interested me. It was the story of Jain nun Nisha Kapashi. She is of Indian origin but was born in the US. She grew up with all the luxury in the world – among Gucci clothes and Fendi handbags; she lived in a lavishly furnished single bedroom apartments on Sixth and 34th, near Macys, in New York. But while she was living a “fashionable and successful Life”, she was feeling an “emptiness” that made her very, very unhappy. She dug deeper into the Jain way of Life and found great value in the teachings of Mahavira. She quit her job with J Crew, moved to India and signed up to be a nun. She told ScoopWhoop’s Samarpita Das: “We sleep for six hours a night, meditate for 90 minutes a day, and we study Jain philosophy for 15 hours a day. We live a nomadic existence in India. I have no possessions. I have nothing, but I’ve never been so happy. I have no money, not even a bank account. I have committed to a Life of celibacy and simplicity for the rest of my Life. This is my Life now — and it’s the ultimate happiness.”
I am not exactly one who believes that we must practice celibacy and abstinence to experience happiness. But what Nisha’s story does reiterate is that each of us has this awesome opportunity to be happy! By simply being who we are comfortable being!
If everyone followed Nisha’s example of setting out to be who they love being, the world will be full of happy people – instantaneously! In fact, all of us are intrinsically happy folks. We become unhappy only when we allow our circumstances to suppress our happiness! Let’s say you are walking on the pavement on a rainy day, whistling ‘Raindrops are falling on my head….’, and an insensitive motorist splashes a dirty puddle of water on your work clothes. You stop whistling. And now you are angry. Does being angry mean that you have ceased to have the ability to be happy? Not at all. Your attention has shifted from whistling the memorable tune to hurling abuses at and showing a finger to that motorist. The moment you bring your attention to being happy – despite the soiled clothes, you can still whistle the tune and keep walking, can’t you? – you will find your anger disappearing.
We feel miserable when we are unhappy only because being angry or being anything negative is not normal, it is not human nature. Think about it. Don’t you always feel miserable when you have been sad or jealous or angry or guilty? But have you ever, ever, felt miserable when feeling happy? I rest my case. So, you don’t have to work hard at being happy. You are happiness. Just stop being anything else and please go back to being happy!
A common and grave misconception occurs when we mix up the definitions of happiness and success. Success is getting what you want __ a college degree, a car, a new apartment, an overseas job, a billion dollar fortune, whatever! But you may not always get what you want in Life. Happiness, therefore, is wanting what you get! Despite all your hard work, you may not graduate. You may not get the car of your choice. Or get an apartment in the neighborhood that your preferred. Or someone else may get the lucrative job that you wanted! Or a quirk of circumstance may deny you the fortune. The ability to be happy despite not getting what you want and despite your circumstance is true happiness. And that ability is resident in each of us: in you, in me, in everyone!
Nisha Kapashi: in 2011 (left) and now (right)Photo Courtesy: ScoopWhoop/InternetI read a story on ScoopWhoop this morning that interested me. It was the story of Jain nun Nisha Kapashi. She is of Indian origin but was born in the US. She grew up with all the luxury in the world – among Gucci clothes and Fendi handbags; she lived in a lavishly furnished single bedroom apartments on Sixth and 34th, near Macys, in New York. But while she was living a “fashionable and successful Life”, she was feeling an “emptiness” that made her very, very unhappy. She dug deeper into the Jain way of Life and found great value in the teachings of Mahavira. She quit her job with J Crew, moved to India and signed up to be a nun. She told ScoopWhoop’s Samarpita Das: “We sleep for six hours a night, meditate for 90 minutes a day, and we study Jain philosophy for 15 hours a day. We live a nomadic existence in India. I have no possessions. I have nothing, but I’ve never been so happy. I have no money, not even a bank account. I have committed to a Life of celibacy and simplicity for the rest of my Life. This is my Life now — and it’s the ultimate happiness.”
I am not exactly one who believes that we must practice celibacy and abstinence to experience happiness. But what Nisha’s story does reiterate is that each of us has this awesome opportunity to be happy! By simply being who we are comfortable being!
If everyone followed Nisha’s example of setting out to be who they love being, the world will be full of happy people – instantaneously! In fact, all of us are intrinsically happy folks. We become unhappy only when we allow our circumstances to suppress our happiness! Let’s say you are walking on the pavement on a rainy day, whistling ‘Raindrops are falling on my head….’, and an insensitive motorist splashes a dirty puddle of water on your work clothes. You stop whistling. And now you are angry. Does being angry mean that you have ceased to have the ability to be happy? Not at all. Your attention has shifted from whistling the memorable tune to hurling abuses at and showing a finger to that motorist. The moment you bring your attention to being happy – despite the soiled clothes, you can still whistle the tune and keep walking, can’t you? – you will find your anger disappearing.
We feel miserable when we are unhappy only because being angry or being anything negative is not normal, it is not human nature. Think about it. Don’t you always feel miserable when you have been sad or jealous or angry or guilty? But have you ever, ever, felt miserable when feeling happy? I rest my case. So, you don’t have to work hard at being happy. You are happiness. Just stop being anything else and please go back to being happy!
September 8, 2015
Fighting Life is what causes misery
Just surrender to the Universe’s energy, to Life, don’t fight it!
Don’t you agree that if there indeed is a Master of the Universe, who was controlling, coordinating, delivering, granting, blessing and driving whatever is happening in the world, in your Life and mine, then this person is mighty intelligent? So intelligent that zebras have stripes while horses don’t, that when the East has daylight, the West has stars in the sky, that there are four seasons that keep changing as if someone is operating the switches in a Master Control Room, that mangoes are different from oranges and the Himalayas are different from the Rockies! None of these has been or can be controlled by you or me. Yet they happen! And so, we have to admit that the Universe’s energy, which, in my humble opinion, powers our lives, is far more intelligent than all of us put together.
If this energy is so powerful, so intelligent, why are you not able to trust it? When things go per your expectation, you don’t have an issue. When they go against what you wish is when you start fighting Life. Your DVD player doesn’t work when you sit down to watch a movie and you start complaining about Life. Small thing, you will eventually get over that setback! You will fight your DVD player for a while, then chuck it out the window and move on. When you are out of job, or when you are out of cash, or both, you fight, you resist the Life which you currently have to endure. You sulk, you brood! Does that change anything? Or what if your liver malfunctions or your heart suffers an attack? That’s a situation you can’t even mentally fight! That’s when you learn the art of surrendering to Life. Now, if we could consider surrendering to Life in all contexts, how much more simpler and easier to live will our lives be? In Hindu scriptures, they talk of surrender as ‘saranagati’ and to a physical God, an idol. I am suggesting, surrender to Life, the energy that keeps you alive! Think about it!
The truth about Life is, no matter what, what is to happen, will happen! Take Shah Rukh Khan’s Life for instance. The story goes that the TV serial ‘Fauji’that launched him in 1988 as the smart, daring Abhimanyu Rai, was supposed to have had a certain Milin Kapoor play that key role. Kapoor was 6 ft+, handsome and fitted the role perfectly. But because the show’s producers wanted Kapoor, who was well qualified technically too, to focus on the cinematography and editing, the role went to Khan. The rest, as they always say, is history. This is what will happen to you too. Ahead of your time or beyond what is ordained for you, nothing in your Life will ever happen to you. When it’s your turn, the Universe will conspire to deliver whatever you need for your Life’s story to advance. And advance does not always mean ‘meeting your expectations or exceeding them always’. Advance here means to simply (be forced, at times, to) go with the flow on Life’s pre-planned path. The Universe’s design, the Master Plan, is inscrutable. And yet, what I have learnt, is this – the Master Plan has no flaws.
Whatever is happening to you just now is what is ordained to happen. Therefore, intelligence demands that you don’t fight Life. Fighting Life is what causes you misery! You will find bliss instead, when you simply, sensibly, surrender to it!
Don’t you agree that if there indeed is a Master of the Universe, who was controlling, coordinating, delivering, granting, blessing and driving whatever is happening in the world, in your Life and mine, then this person is mighty intelligent? So intelligent that zebras have stripes while horses don’t, that when the East has daylight, the West has stars in the sky, that there are four seasons that keep changing as if someone is operating the switches in a Master Control Room, that mangoes are different from oranges and the Himalayas are different from the Rockies! None of these has been or can be controlled by you or me. Yet they happen! And so, we have to admit that the Universe’s energy, which, in my humble opinion, powers our lives, is far more intelligent than all of us put together.
If this energy is so powerful, so intelligent, why are you not able to trust it? When things go per your expectation, you don’t have an issue. When they go against what you wish is when you start fighting Life. Your DVD player doesn’t work when you sit down to watch a movie and you start complaining about Life. Small thing, you will eventually get over that setback! You will fight your DVD player for a while, then chuck it out the window and move on. When you are out of job, or when you are out of cash, or both, you fight, you resist the Life which you currently have to endure. You sulk, you brood! Does that change anything? Or what if your liver malfunctions or your heart suffers an attack? That’s a situation you can’t even mentally fight! That’s when you learn the art of surrendering to Life. Now, if we could consider surrendering to Life in all contexts, how much more simpler and easier to live will our lives be? In Hindu scriptures, they talk of surrender as ‘saranagati’ and to a physical God, an idol. I am suggesting, surrender to Life, the energy that keeps you alive! Think about it! The truth about Life is, no matter what, what is to happen, will happen! Take Shah Rukh Khan’s Life for instance. The story goes that the TV serial ‘Fauji’that launched him in 1988 as the smart, daring Abhimanyu Rai, was supposed to have had a certain Milin Kapoor play that key role. Kapoor was 6 ft+, handsome and fitted the role perfectly. But because the show’s producers wanted Kapoor, who was well qualified technically too, to focus on the cinematography and editing, the role went to Khan. The rest, as they always say, is history. This is what will happen to you too. Ahead of your time or beyond what is ordained for you, nothing in your Life will ever happen to you. When it’s your turn, the Universe will conspire to deliver whatever you need for your Life’s story to advance. And advance does not always mean ‘meeting your expectations or exceeding them always’. Advance here means to simply (be forced, at times, to) go with the flow on Life’s pre-planned path. The Universe’s design, the Master Plan, is inscrutable. And yet, what I have learnt, is this – the Master Plan has no flaws.
Whatever is happening to you just now is what is ordained to happen. Therefore, intelligence demands that you don’t fight Life. Fighting Life is what causes you misery! You will find bliss instead, when you simply, sensibly, surrender to it!
