AVIS Viswanathan's Blog, page 16

“Aham kills your inner beauty and joy”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!
This Sunday I feature actor-dancer Vyjayanthimala Bali, who, at 79, celebrates Life in each moment!
Picture by Vaani Anand“It is not what happiness is. It is what happiness does,” declares Vyjayanthimala Bali, as she sits down in her study, adding, “Being happy with your Life, the way it is, makes you deal with it better.” Her study is full of awards, citations and souvenirs, showcasing a lifetime’s work in movies, in politics and as a dancer. At 79, Vyjayanthimala, is enviably fit and so full of Life. Her big, beautiful, expressive eyes radiate an indescribable sense of inner joy. And her million-watt smile can revive the most heart-broken soul. Where does all this energy come from? “From simply being happy,” she replies. “Whatever is beautiful makes me happy. Life is so beautiful, it is full of beautiful people. So, I see all of the beauty around me and that keeps me happy,” she explains.
Vyjayanthimala’s Life has been an interesting one. The reigning goddess of Indian cinema through the 50s and 60s (the first actor from the South to make it big in Bombay) and then a successful stint in politics (she has been a member of both the Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha) in the 80s and 90s. Yet, she never clung on to either profession. I ask her how she was able to let go of her celebrity-hood. Wasn’t it difficult? “Not at all. Cinema and politics were mere opportunities that came my way. I liked them and so I took them up. But when I stopped enjoying them, I left them. My dance is who I am. It is as a dancer that I am the happiest. The only constant in my Life is my dance,” says Vyjayanthimala. Her husband, Dr.Chamanlal Bali, who passed away in 1986, inspired her to continue dancing. “Quitting films was a conscious decision I took with Dr.Bali. I wanted to be a homemaker. I wanted to get away from all the limelight. Which is why I have avoided making a comeback although there have been numerous offers for character roles. But Dr.Bali always told me I must never quit dancing. I am so grateful for his foresight and encouragement. Without my dance I will not be who I am,” she reveals.
Picture by Vaani AnandOver the last several years, Vyjayanthimala has been researching on ancient temple dance forms. She continues to stage productions each year – there was one at Bangalore’s Chowdiah Hall in September and there’s one at Mumbai’s famed Shanmukhananda Hall in November. “As I research, I find that one lifetime is just not enough to live and learn about everything that there is. This Life is like a drop in an ocean. I realize that I am no achiever, I am just a pursuer. I am a student. I am still learning. You see, apart from making me so fulfilled and happy, it also takes me closer to the divine. The wealth of knowledge in this vast Universe makes me wonder why there is so much aham (ego) in people. Ahamkills your inner beauty and joy,” she observes.
How does she want to be remembered? She doesn’t answer the question directly. But she responds with her characteristic spontaneity, simplicity and clarity: “Dr.Bali taught me that true happiness is about making others happy. True happiness is in giving. I practise this at two levels. I acknowledge everyone I know and meet at a human level. For instance, on a day-to-day basis I never say no to people asking to take photographs with me; I always stop to smile at a security guard in a building or at airports. When you acknowledge and respect people for who they are, it makes them happy, you see. Second, I offer myself, and everything I have, to the divine in my audiences through my dance. The happiness I feel dancing, being myself, I share through my dance. That’s it. I think of nothing else.”
But, obviously, like everyone else, she too has to deal with problems, crises, worries, challenges. How has she managed to face and live through her low phases? “I have learnt not to keep on and on at it when things don’t go the way I want them to. I don’t focus on my worries and problems all the time – that will only magnify them. I have discovered that as long as there is Life, you have to keep moving on. There are no full stops in Life, there are only commas. That’s the best way to live,” she shares.

In her hey days as a movie star, Vyjayanthimala was considered as one among the pantheon of female Hindi film actors – among Nargis, Meena Kumari, Madhubala and Nutan. She was worshipped by both her male co-stars and her audiences for her blemishless beauty and charisma. But, as she saw me and Vaani off at the door of her Alwarpet home, I thought to myself – this is not Vyjayanthimala, the yesteryear star and celebrity. Here is someone who personifies what Eleanor Roosevelt (1884 ~ 1962), the former US First Lady, had to say: “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature. Beautiful old people are works of art.”

If someone has a problem with you, whose problem is it?

If someone sees you as their problem, it is, seriously, their problem – not yours!
A friend called me to share how his brother has been making Life miserable for him in their family business. Although a formal separation has been gone through between them, my friend’s brother is insinuating and charging his sibling with transgressions and non-compliance. “I have no problem with him. And I have no problem with the share of the business that I have been left with to manage. I feel very disturbed that my brother has a problem with me,” lamented my friend.
Now, this could be anybody’s story. People often have problems with other people. And if you happen to be, like my friend, with whom someone has a problem, you too may want to learn to simply ignore it. What can you do if someone has a problem with you? At best you can hear their point of view and if there’s something to learn, something to unlearn and something to change in you, you can go to work on it. But what if someone continues to have a problem with you despite your best efforts and intentions to appease them? More important, what if you are someone’s problem – not what you do or what you don’t do? Well, the most sensible response must be to shrug off that viewpoint saying ‘too bad’ and move on. It is when you lack that discerning ability, and instead grieve over why you are being perceived wrongly, that you suffer.

When you grieve and suffer over such inconsequential opinions, you sometimes end up becoming a problem for yourself. And that’s such a sad thing to happen. So, develop a more evolved and mature view of Life. You can only control what you think and do. You cannot control what others think and do. So, if someone’s insists on having a problem with you, let them have the pleasure of keeping it that way! Why work overtime to displease or dissatisfy them?

Don’t churn the past or the future – just let it all be

The human mind is powerless in the present moment. That’s why it insists on dragging you back to the past or into the future.
An important and fundamental clarity we must all have is over the functioning of the human mind. It thrives in the dead past – spewing thoughts of anger, grief, guilt over what has happened. And it thrives in the still unborn, unknown future – throwing anxiety, worry and fear over what may (or may not) happen. So, as long as the mind is controlling you, you are oscillating between the past and the future. The mind never allows you to settle. Such is its nature. 60,000 thoughts arise daily and all of them invariably dwell in the past or concern the future. This is why we often feel chewed up and are desperate for clarity. And this is where mindfulness comes in. When you are mindful of the present moment, immersing yourself in your current reality, your mind is powerless. When your mind is not controlling you, and when you are directing it instead to be in the present, there can neither be grief or guilt nor can there be worry or fear.
Once you understand this basic concept about intelligent living, you can begin the practise of mindfulness. It requires that you train your mind. And the principle to remember is that just like the human body can be trained, the human mind can be trained too. Mindfulness begins when you stop churning the past or the future in your mind. Just let it all be. You focus only on what is, on what is available, in the present moment. It may be difficult – as is the case with any new practice – but if you keep at it, you will make progress. Surely, over 21 days of daily practise, you can learn to be mindful.
I love what the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has to say about mindfulness. He says it so simply, so beautifully: “To be mindful is to bring body and mind back to the present moment so that you do not miss your appointment with life.”

The one who is angry is often helpless

Being angry with a situation and expressing your anger on everyone and everything around you is never an intelligent response.
I watched a beautiful Malayalam film the other day called Manjadikuru. Made by Anjali Menon (of Bangalore Days fame), the film tells the story of a family as seen through the eyes of an 11-year-old boy, Vicky. One of the protagonists of the film is a man called Raghu (played by Rahman). And Raghu is forever angry with his family – with his brother and his sisters. Raghu’s anger seems often irrational and habituated. As in one moment he could be complaining about his brother’s decision to turn a Naxalite, abdicating his family responsibilities, and the other moment he could be ranting about his sisters flocking together only to seek a share in the family wealth. So, Vicky, while narrating the story, concludes that his big learning watching Raghu’s bouts of anger is that those who are angry are often helpless .
Anjali Menon (who is also the writer of the film) shares a phenomenal spiritual insight there. Something that I can totally relate to. I used to be prone to senseless bouts of anger too. I once remember, as a 20-year-old, flinging my shaving razor at our television – which left it cracked – because I could not have a reasonable, logical conversation with my parents. Years later, when these anger spells had become far too frequent and had begun to ruin my professional stature, I discovered that each time I lost it, I was choosing to express myself in a violent sort of way only because I was unable to control what was going on or what others were saying or doing or because I was unable to convince someone. Bottomline: my helplessness was manifesting as anger.
Through diligent practice of mouna (daily silence periods), I learnt that your helplessness is nothing but a ego-based position. Why do you need to convince anybody? You have a right to your opinion. And they have a right to theirs. It is only when you try to force your view on someone and you fail, it is only when you try to control a situation and you fail, that you get angry. But the truth is that you never were in control of anything or anyone. Things just happen. People just behave the way they want to. So, just go with the flow. There is no need to be angry. And even if you do experience anger, channelize it constructively. Anger is nothing but the energy within you. Don’t squander it through violent thought, expression or action. Simply use it to drive change in a logical, legitimate fashion. This is what Gandhi did to practise ahimsa and help secure India her independence. This is what anger, when used constructively, can eventually yield.

So, if you are experiencing too much anger within you, pause and ask yourself if you are responding so only because you are helpless? In asking that question, you may well unlock the way to a lifetime of inner peace.

Everyone has a right to be happy the way they are

Someone’s idea of happiness need not be the same as yours. But this does not mean you can hold it against them for being happy the way they are.
Today’s Economic Times runs a story by Rashmi Menon on VIP Industries Managing Director Radhika Piramal speaking openly about her sexual orientation. Piramal says that she knew she was gay when she was 15 but she was able to come out in the open only 2011. She adds that her sister, parents, extended family and her colleagues, all of them have been very supportive all through. Piramal’s story, and her wearing her Life on her sleeve, is indeed a reaffirmation of a deep spiritual principle – follow the path of your inner joy and you can never quite go wrong.                                                                                                                      This is not about sexual orientation alone. This is about anything that is a personal choice. Between living for social norms and rituals, in the name of “culture and traditions”, or simply “earning a living” to drive your economic engine, and being unhappy, and being happy doing what gives you joy, choose the latter. Always. Even if it does piss off some people or forces some others to ostracize you!

Here’s a simple thumb rule on happiness to follow. If you are not happy with the way your Life is going, if you are not happy doing what you are doing, start over afresh tomorrow. Try something different. Trying this repeatedly is how you arrive at what really makes you happy. And once you know that, just go live that Life. Don’t bother about what people will say. Remember: They have a right to say or do what they want and you have a right to be happy the way you are. 

Aap Kataar Mein Hein

There’s no doubt that our Life stories will end soon. They will – one day surely. So, while our lifetime keeps ticking away, the only real time that we have available with us to live is the now, the present moment!  
A friend called a couple of days ago. We talked about the passing of Manorama, the Tamil actor, who we had all grown up watching on the big screen. And we talked about Amitabh Bachchan, whose birthday day it was, about how his era symbolized our youth. And how at 73, he was having the best time of his Life. Yet, said my friend, there’s no disputing the fact, that everyone’s aging, and will die one day, sooner or later. I quipped, punning on the old BSNL call-on-hold message, “Aap kataar mein hain…you, me, all of us, are in a queue, to eventually pass on…When our number is called, we have to simply go!”
Although it was a casual conversation, I cannot but reflect on the spiritual perspective it offers. If we treat Life as a soon-to-expire reality, we will want to seriously live. And not just exist. I mean we will want to live another way than the way we are living right now. Just this morning I read of Infosys CFO Rajiv Bansal’s resignation. He told The Times of India that at 43, he is re-evaluating what he wants from Life. And I believe it’s only right that like Bansal, each of us understands that Life has to be lived fully. And living fully does not mean spending your first 25 years qualifying, then spend the next 35 years earning, procreating and saving and then at 60-something “waking up” (if you are lucky) to decide what you want out of your Life. At that stage, possible you may have the means to do what you want but you may not be assured of either your health or enough time.

However corny the BSNL call-on-hold message may sound, it’s relevance to intelligent living cannot be ignored. If we take heed, and act on it, we will surely live a better Life than we are living presently! 

“When there is gratitude, there can be no grief”

When you grieve for something – or someone – that you have lost, or don’t have, you are perhaps  missing the bigger picture. You are missing focusing on what you have! 
We had coffee with a friend over the weekend. She recalled her visit to the Gandhi Ashram, on the banks of the Sabarmati, in Ahmedabad some years back and told us about how a quote on gratitude at the ashram changed her thinking completely. The quote, she recalled, read, “When there is gratitude, there can be no grief.”
I can’t agree with that quote more. The nature of Life is that what is today will not be there tomorrow. With birth, death is certain. So Life itself is a limited period offer. While it is natural to grieve over loss, of someone or some thing, grieving endlessly pushes you into a depressive spiral. Grief has to be understood as a natural emotion, a response that arises with any loss. But you must value that grieving over what isn’t is pointless. What is over is over. What is lost is lost. It is gone. Stay with the grief to mourn the loss. But move on. And if you can’t move on, learn to be grateful for whatever is (left), whatever you have with you. This sense of gratitude alone will help you overcome your grief.
To be sure, there is no harm in grieving. But there’s no use either. With every moment that you spend grieving, you are missing a moment to live. The truth is that Life is happening for you, around you, 24x7, irrespective of whether you are grieving or whether you are enjoying it. It is up to you to decide what you want to do with your Life. With gratitude, your problems don’t recede, they don’t go away, what is lost cannot be always gained back (certainly not instantaneously), but you can at least avoid missing – losing – the magic and beauty that each new moment contains.

Being grateful is common-sense. After all why would you miss what is, for whatever isn’t? 

“I love whatever I do and I do whatever I love”

‘The Happiness Road’ is a weekly Series on this Blog that appears on Sundays where I share my conversations with people while exploring their idea of happiness!
This Sunday I feature industrialist Suresh Krishna, Chairman & Managing Director of Sundram Fasteners!

Suresh Krishna - Photo by Vaani AnandSuresh Krishna’s office reflects his state of mind – clean, calm and content. A large wall-sized window behind him that lights up the room naturally. And a clean, squeaky clean desk – there’s nothing on it. The man himself is as happy and content as he was when I had last met him 20 years ago. I ask him if there’s a secret to his being able to manage his Rs.3150 Crore company Sundram Fasteners, and his Life, so efficiently. “Oh! There’s no secret,” he says smiling and waving his hand as if to dismiss any suggestions of a feat being accomplished, and adds, “I just delegate very well. I love whatever I do and do whatever I love.”
Krishna makes it all sound so easy. Sundram Fasteners will be 50 years old in 2016. In all this time, there has been no labor unrest in the company, and it is unequivocally regarded as a torch-bearer for world-class quality in Indian industry. Krishna, 79, however does not count either of these measures as achievements. He says, “When I look back, I feel blessed that we have been able to raise the standard of living of our 20,000 employees and their families. Our quality focus, our value system of transparency, our work culture – all these are mere tools. What makes me really happy is that our people are leading wholesome lives.” Suresh Krishna - Photo by Vaani Anand
Some people go do what they love doing. Some start off doing stuff to earn a living and then drop it to go do what they love. But Krishna’s someone who simply finds a way to love whatever he does. He says he has inherited his mother Ambujam Krishna’s genes; he showed great interest in music, painting and poetry as a child. He was naturally inclined to the arts and humanities. So, when he decided to drop his Master’s in chemical engineering after the second semester at the University of Wisconsin in the US and instead opted to study German literature there, his family was not surprised. “I enjoyed literature for its own sake. I had no ambitions to do anything with it,” he clarifies. When he came back to India, he was drafted into the family business and was invited to independently set up Sundram Fasteners. “I knew nothing about nuts and bolts. But I learned fast. As I gained experience, I realized that what I loved doing until then – literature, music, arts – and the process of building a company – what I was learning to do – both were means to spiritual enrichment. Whether it is listening to music or reviewing manufacturing, the resonance from both sides to me is the same. There has to be quality in both. And being qualitative, I discovered, is my inner joy, my idea of happiness,” says Krishna.
To Krishna’s credit, he does not even count on his work and Life philosophy as something unique. He states, with evident humility and gratitude, “I have been so lucky. There are so many blessings in my Life. I have never experienced poverty, never experienced ill health, I never had to live in a refugee camp or be homeless; and I live in Chennai, where I feel secure and don’t have to worry about a terrorist attack. It is because of all these blessings that that I have been able to focus on what I have done as a business leader.” He then leans forward and adds emphatically, “You know what? If we stop focusing on the trivial problems that confront us on a day-to-day basis and start counting our blessings, we will all be happy – instantaneously!”

Krishna says his father taught him, early on, the value of being content. “He used to tell me that you can’t wear two shirts or ride in two cars at the same time. Besides, he helped me realize that we are born with nothing and will go with nothing. So, it was through his perspectives that I learned not to take Life too seriously. I don’t work for more than 10 hours a day. In fact, no one can work efficiently if they work any longer – it doesn’t matter if you are leading a small Rs.10 Lakh business or a large Rs.10,000 Crore empire. To be happy, you must work smart.”
Leading people, setting, achieving and maintaining stringent world-class quality standards, building an institution – all these evidently contribute to Krishna’s happiness quotient. But his greatest asset is his understanding of his happiness. For instance, he creates time in his schedules to immerse himself in poetry because he loves the art of “putting words together”. He has recently completed a year-long exploration of the poetic, linguistic and spiritual nuances of the “Thiruppavai”. He has also written 50 poems in English but says he will never publish them: “I wrote them because I felt happy writing them. That happiness is deeply personal. It is matchless and priceless.”
It is this ability to go do all that which makes him happy that makes Krishna so successful, so happy and so content. This ability does not come with age alone, it comes from a deep understanding of the true nature of Life.

To un-depress yourself is a personal choice

When you are depressed give your depression your fullest attention. Only then will you realize how futile it is to be depressed. 
Depression arises when things don’t go the way you want them to go. And depression does not necessarily mean that you will sulk. Chances are you may, like the way I once was, rave and rant. When I met a psychiatrist, under my wife’s advice, after several bouts of uncontrollable anger, years ago, he told me this: “You have depression. You can take drugs. Or you can heal yourself by practicing yoga or meditation. When you see Life clearly, and understand it, you will not be depressed.” I chose not to take medication for my depressive state and instead practiced mouna (a daily silence period) which helped me awaken to the opportunity and abundance in my Life.
From my own experience this is what I have learnt – it is normal to be depressed. So, don’t fear it. Don’t hide it. Don’t run away from it. Accept it and give it attention. When you do this, it will slink away the same way that it came!
When you understand the cause for your depression, you will realize that you cannot get rid of the cause merely by brooding. You need to act. By sulking and smarting under the burden of your negative thinking, you are going to stay snowed under – forever! To break free and climb out of your dark, black, hole, you must know that while depression cannot be avoided, staying depressed can surely be avoided. I ask myself the following questions when I am depressed: 1. What is causing my depression? 2. Can I eradicate the cause of my depression by continuing to feel depressed? 3. What must I do then to remove the source of my depression? I then go down to work on removing that source. I don’t succeed in immediately getting rid of the source in some cases, but at least, I don’t stay depressed.
Try applying those three questions in your Life contexts too. You are sure to see remarkable results! To break-free from depression is a personal choice. You can un-depress yourself anytime you are depressed – provided you are ready and willing.

The idea of living is not about obsessing over earning-a-living.

At the end of the day, if you can’t sleep well, you need to examine what’s it that’s disturbing you. And you must weed that factor out of your Life. 
This morning I met someone who says he isn’t able to get a good night’s sleep. “I used to love my work. I still believe I love it. But I don’t know why I am unable to enjoy what I am doing, and of late, I am even unable to sleep well. The stress keeps me awake,” he confessed. I told this gentleman that if he is unable to enjoy whatever he is doing, and if it has reached a point where he is unable to sleep well, he must seriously pause and reflect. I advised him to step out of his “work-work-work zone”, take a vacation and think through his Life!
This is the nub: nothing, nothing at all, is worth losing your sleep over. If you can’t take your mind off work it means one of three things: 1. You don’t have enough reliable support (staff, material, resources) to do what you are doing 2. The system (colleagues, bosses, clients, work culture) at your workplace is highly disorganized and stress-ridden. 3. You are a lousy leader and manager. There could be other reasons. But these three are principal among them. If you don’t enjoy what you are doing, then you must go do what you love doing. Simple. And if you enjoy your work but if any of those reasons is/are prevalent in your work Life, you must get down to fixing them. Simple again!
The idea of living is not about obsessing over earning-a-living. It is not about slogging for 40 years and then hoping to find happiness, inner peace and freedom to do what you want to do at the age of 60. You have been given this Life so that you can be yourself, so that you can go do what you love doing. Now, when something disturbs your equilibrium, you must zero in on what it is and weed it out. Rather than suffer and endure a Life that you don’t want, you must make choices that help you with your inner peace, and help you to find and follow your bliss.

I simply loved what Svetlana Alexievich, the Belarusian author who won the Nobel for Literature yesterday, said: “I do only one thing. I buy freedom for myself.” Indeed! What is the point of this Life if you cannot be who you want, do what you want to do, live the Life that you believe in and, at the end of the day, get a good night’s sleep?