Meryl Ain's Blog, page 7

Mother’s Day Without A Mother: 10 Ways To Keep Her Memory Alive

This week I went shopping for a new handbag; I hadn’t thought that it was just days before Mother’s Day and that the people I encountered would be buying presents for their mothers. I noticed daughters and sons looking for just the right Mother’s Day gift, and that made me feel wistful. Wasn’t it just a few years ago that I engaged in this activity for my own mother? How many years in a row did my mother give me a pocketbook for Mother’s Day?  And what about all of the years when I was growing up that I would walk to the local department store with my carefully saved allowance? I would carefully consider the options within my budget and then walk home with lovingly chosen gifts for my mom and grandmothers.

Mother’s Day takes place this year on Sunday, May 11, and it’s difficult to forget it. We are inundated with ads for cards, flowers, and other gifts. I remember the first Mother’s Day after my mother died following a brief illness. Although it was a combined birthday/Mother’s Day celebration for me — with my whole family in attendance to honor me — a huge cloud of grief engulfed me. When I look back, I recall a beautiful family, a lovely brunch, a delicious cake – and my ongoing, pervasive sorrow.

I hope that all those who have their mothers will understand how fortunate they are and will show their moms how much they appreciate them. I know that I was blessed to have my mother for as long as I did. Now that I understand that my mother’s memory, values, and wisdom will always be with me – even though she is not physically here — I am looking forward to a happy day with my family.

On Mother’s Day, I will remember my mom by recalling her wisdom, her kindness, her warmth, her selflessness – and her gigantic smile. I will remember how she got on the floor and played with my children, even after two hip replacements. And how she never walked into my house without bringing a meal. Every time I eat a piece of chocolate, I think of how she passed along those taste buds to me. Most of all, I remember that she told me, “Your family is with you forever; be kind, understanding, and forgiving.”

If you are a motherless daughter or son this year, here are 10 ways to keep your mother’s memory alive this Mother’s Day:

Share stories and anecdotes about your mother.
Make a memory book of happy times with your mom, and talk about the photographs, e.g. where you were, who was there, what that time meant to you, etc.
Wear your mother’s favorite color – piece of clothing, nail polish, etc.
Remember your mother’s best advice and wisest sayings, follow and share.
Prepare your mother’s favorite recipes, and keep her in your head and your heart as you are making the dishes and serving them.
Write something – a poem, a song, a recollection — about your mother.
Make a memory quilt out of your mother’s scarves or other clothing.
Listen to your mother’s favorite music.
Perform an act of kindness to honor your mother.
Give to a charity in memory of your mother.

After Meryl Ain lost both her father and mother within a year-and-a-half, she decided to research how others keep alive the memories of their loved ones. The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last , by Meryl Ain, Arthur M. Fischman and Stewart Ain, was recently published by Little Miami Publishing Company. Through the stories of 32 people, it shows how grief can be transformed into meaningful action and living legacies.

The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last  is now available on Amazon, including nine reader reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Memories-Project-Legacies-That/dp/0988255375/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394317575&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Living+Memories+Project

Harnessing Grief by Restoring Hope and Rebuilding Lives

The heartbreaking images from the South Korean ferry tragedy have fueled outrage and sorrow around the globe. The ferry sank on April 16 and 210 persons have thus far been confirmed dead; 92 are still missing. Scores of the dead were among 325 high school students who were on a field trip. This week, President Park Geun-hye apologized to the nation over the government’s inadequate first response to the ferry tragedy.

“I am losing sleep as there is no news about saving more lives and because there are many families who don’t know whether their loved ones are dead or alive still,” Park said. “I am sorry, and my heart is heavy that so many precious lives are lost because of the accident.”

Park also attended a memorial in Ansan, the Seoul suburb where many of the students who were on board the ship lived.

One father expressed the feelings of many of the parents: “All we are asking for is, ‘Bring the dead bodies out,’” he wailed. “We know they are not alive now.”

How does a parent ever move beyond such sudden, shocking, debilitating and pervasive grief? Liz and Steve Alderman, whose 25-year-old son, Peter, was murdered on 9/11 at The World Trade Center, transformed their grief into meaningful action and a living memorial to their son.

On Monday evening, we were pleased to join 200 people gathered at the Pierre Hotel for the annual benefit for the Peter C. Alderman Foundation. The foundation trains doctors and establishes mental health clinics on four continents to treat victims of PTSD. It has proven so effective, that President Barack Obama honored the Aldermans for their work.

Erica Hill of the Today Show, a friend of the Aldermans, who served as MC, said she had an instant connection with the Aldermans when she first met them.

“I am inspired by the way they turned a tragedy into something no parent should ever have to experience into another way to help 100,000 people,” she said.

Liz Alderman conceived of the idea of PCAF while watching a television broadcast about the victims of torture terrorism.

“We knew we had to create our own memorial for Peter,” Liz Alderman told us in an interview for our book, The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last. “We really didn’t know what to do. And then we saw a Nightline broadcast that said one billion people in this world—one-sixth of humanity—have directly experienced torture terrorism and, of those who have survived, over 50 percent suffer debilitating traumatic depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. They can’t work, children can’t go to school, and some people can’t even leave their beds.”

Since it was established 11 years ago, the foundation-trained staff has helped 100,000 people. PCAF sees hundreds of patients daily – including child soldiers – at its clinics and community outreaches in Uganda, Cambodia, and Kenya. It works in IDP and refugee camps, hospitals and schools. It trains indigenous doctors and health workers to recognize and treat the mental health and psychosocial needs of their countrymen. PCAF also partners with governments to establish clinics and provide care for traumatized populations. As such, it works to support post-conflict societies in rebuilding people’s lives and restoring hope.

At the dinner, the organization honored Ishmael Beah, the bestselling author of A Long Way Gone, Memoirs of a Boy Soldier with its Humanitarian Award. In addition, Dr. James Okello, a director of the PCAF Psychotrauma Clinic, and Chief of the foundation’s Child and Adolescent Division, received the Sarlo Foundation Leadership Award for rendering outstanding service to war-traumatized patients.

“The main reason for starting this is that we wanted to leave a mark that Peter existed on this earth,” Liz Alderman said in the book. “He died at a very young age. We believe that we have left a profound and indelible mark that Peter existed; the world is a better place because he lived. Peter loved life and if we can return people to life so that they can live their lives, that is the perfect way to memorialize him.”

The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last is now available on Amazon, including eight reader reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Memories-Project-Legacies-That/dp/0988255375/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394317575&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Living+Memories+Project

Peter C. Alderman Foundation: http://www.petercaldermanfoundation.org/

The Living Memories Project Book Tour

Authors with Jen and Sandy Chapin

Now that our book, The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last, is officially published, we have been busy speaking about it before audiences.

This week, we had our Long Island Book Launch in support of Long Island Cares at the Huntington Cinema Arts Centre. We were truly gratified that the Sky Café was at capacity with close to 100 people. Thank you to singer/songwriter Jen Chapin, who spoke about the legacy of her father, Harry Chapin, folk rock icon and founder of Long Island Cares, as well as to Janine Lavery, Leona Schwartz, and Maryann Stech, who joined us and whose inspiring stories are also featured in our book. We were delighted that Sandy Chapin, Jen’s mom and Harry’s widow, joined us and shared some fascinating anecdotes in informal conversation.

We got some wonderful feedback from those in attendance, including an email sent by Marilyn Shapiro: “The presentations and photos truly encouraged me to look forward to an easier grieving process. Many of the strategies my family and I have already taken; however, the reinforcement obtained by learning what other like-minded individuals are experiencing will be powerful. …An extra special joy (of the evening) was meeting Jen and Sandy Chapin.  Harry was one of my idols. Sandy was so gracious in telling us how she contributed words to many of Harry’s songs, including quite a bit of detail about Cat’s in the Cradle.  It was magical….”

Prior to Passover, we were also honored to participate in a panel discussion before more than 100 members of the Dix Hills Jewish Center on Long Island. Called The Empty Seat at the Seder Table: Keeping Alive Memories, Values and Traditions, the program raised funds for the Jewish National Fund. The congregation’s spiritual leader, Rabbi Howard Buechler, and congregant Dr. Mark Sandberg, a psychologist, joined us on the panel as we shared holiday strategies for those who were missing loved ones.

Next week we will be attending the annual benefit for the Peter C. Alderman Foundation. Liz and Steve Alderman harnessed their grief by creating PCAF after their 25-year-old-son Peter was murdered at The World Trade Center on 9/11. Their awesome story is featured in our book, and we have donated copies to give to each of the guests.  The mission of PCAF is to heal the emotional wounds suffered by the survivors of terrorism and mass violence by training indigenous health workers, and by establishing trauma treatment systems in post-conflict countries around the globe.

On Sunday, May 4, we will be heading to Newtown, CT., to participate in an Interfaith Program of Healing to raise money for the Newtown families who have created foundations, scholarships, advocacy organizations and other memorials in loving and living memory of their loved ones slain in the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting tragedy in December 2012. The event will also assist surviving families still in need. The program will take place at Congregation Adath Israel, 115 Huntingtown Road, at 2 p.m. Rabbi Shaul Praver, the congregation’s spiritual leader, will join us along with several other clergy — including Rev. Matthew Crebbin of Newtown Congregational Church and Buddhist Monk Jampa Gyaltsen of the Tibetan Buddhist Center for Universal Peace – to offer blessings, prayers and words of spiritual healing. Among the charities that will be represented at the event are The Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation and Ben’s Lighthouse.

We will keep you posted on several other events that are scheduled in May, June, and July. It was therapeutic and cathartic to research and write The Living Memories Project, and it is our hope that it will provide comfort and inspiration to all who have experienced loss.

The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last is now available on Amazon, including eight reader reviews:

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Memories-Project-Legacies-That/dp/0988255375/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394317575&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Living+Memories+Project

Peter C. Alderman Foundation: http://www.petercaldermanfoundation.org/

Newtown, CT. event: http://newtownbee.com/news/0001/11/30/healing-transformative-gathering-planned-adath-isr/201803

Submitted Story: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Ann Heller submitted this heartwarming story about how she keeps alive her father’s memory.

When my father, Bernard Scherel, passed away at the age of 98 in July of 2010, my daughter Lisa Heller, who lives in Park Slope, decided to memorialize her grandparents in a very special way. Here are her words:

“ I called Propsect Park Alliance about planting a tree in Prospect Park. I was then contacted by a wonderful arborist about the locations  where they needed to plant some trees.

We met on a hazy Friday morning and walked around a few possible spots for the tree and I was able to choose one very close to where we frequent the park near the Meadowbrook “arch”.   I was amazed at how involved I was able to be in the process — it made it feel very, very special.

She brought a binder of trees to choose from and I picked a “White Red Bud” from the book. It was planted in the fall of 2011 (I wasn’t able to be there when it was planted but I believe that was an option) It bloomed beautifully the following Spring.

We’re able to visit it often and it is very much part of keeping our memories of grandma and grandpa alive and present.  It feels as though they have a regular place in our lives. Sometimes when we’re standing looking at it or taking photos others stop to look at it too thinking there’s something special about the tree. Then we get to explain how it’s a memorial tree for our beloveds, which is also very special.  We feel very connected to that tree.”

Today I found it was listed on their register, which is very nice. Scroll way down to Scherel.

http://www.prospectpark.org/support/commemorative_giving/tree_register

?preview=1&psid=0&ph=7018

See below link for the info on planting a commemorative tree in Prospect Park.  You can also get a bench, etc.

http://www.prospectpark.org/support/commemorative_giving/treegiving?preview=1&psid=0&ph=7018

 

 

Easter and Passover: A Time to Remember

Both Passover and Easter are celebrations of remembrance and renewal.  Jews gather with family and friends at seders to recall their ancestors’ redemption from slavery to freedom. Christians join together at church and at home to remember the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Both holidays are rich with family traditions, rituals, and special foods. The egg, a metaphor of the circle of life, fertility, and rebirth is a symbol in both holidays.

While holidays typically are a challenge to those who have lost loved ones, both Easter and Passover present opportunities to lovingly remember those who are no longer here.

In fact, Passover and Easter are the perfect time for those who have had losses to draw on the healing power of living and loving memories. A special song, custom, prayer, or a recipe, can evoke the memory of a loved one. At your holiday meals, encourage your family and friends to tell stories and anecdotes about those who have passed on. It can be very cathartic and therapeutic for those who are sharing remembrances. And it ensures that loved ones are not forgotten.

With food playing such a central role in both holidays, one way of paying tribute is by cooking. In our book, The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last, Florie Wachtenheim tells how she keeps her mother’s memory alive by preparing her favorite dishes.

“Cooking is an interest my mother and I shared,” she said.  ”This is probably the single tradition that I carry on and that means the most to me. She is in my head and heart when I compose each holiday menu.”

Another way of remembering is to bring out the pictures and photo albums after the holiday meal. In our book, the late actor Jack Klugman told how he remembered his friend and acting partner, Tony Randall, by surrounding himself with photographs.

“To remember him, I just look at a picture,” he said.

Photos keep memories alive for succeeding generations, too. It’s an opportunity to share your favorite holiday memories of the deceased with children and grandchildren.

In our book, Janine Lavery describes how she created a photo memory book for her young children so they would have a point of reference for recalling special times with their grandfather.

“My father passed in 1998 when my daughter Kirsten was five-years-old and my daughter Emma was one-year-old,” she said.  ”I loved my father so much and he was such a strong presence in my life and the life of my family that I was afraid that my children would only remember the sense of loss because they were so young. I didn’t want my kids to only remember what they did not have, but also what they did have.”

Lavery said the book helps keep alive many special times with her father, including enjoyable holiday celebrations.

 “Both girls talk about these memories as if they recall them, particularly Emma, who was too young to remember but speaks as if she did.”

Another good activity when you have several generations together is to trace the family tree. In our book, Arthur Kurzweil tells how he carries on the memories of his ancestors through a lifetime dedication to genealogy.

“For the people who appreciate it, genealogy provides amazing tools for exploring identity,” he said.

Finally, one of the best ways to carry on the passions, values, and memories of your loved one is to donate to a meaningful charity in honor of your loved one. The Living Memories Project has numerous examples of those who have endowed scholarships, established foundations, and organized charitable events to honor the memory of a family member or a friend.

  The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last , written by Dr. Meryl Ain, Arthur Fischman, and Stewart Ain, is a new book that shows how grief can be transformed into positive action and living legacies.  The book contains a collection of heartwarming stories of lives remembered and actions taken by individuals and families to keep the legacies and memories of loved ones alive. Individuals profiled in the book include celebrities and others.

The Living Memories Project was featured in The Jewish Week: “The Empty Seat at the Seder Table”  http://www.thejewishweek.com/special-sections/special-holiday-issues/empty-seat-seder-table

Hot Off the Press: The Living Memories Project is Born

The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last has just been published and we’re busy planning a number of exciting events to celebrate.

We kicked off our book launch with a fundraiser for JNF at the Dix Hills Jewish Center. In anticipation of Passover, Stewart and I participated in a panel discussion, The Empty Seat at the Seder Table: Keeping Alive Memories, Traditions and Values. Also on the panel were Rabbi Howard Buechler and Dr. Mark Sandberg, a psychologist.  The event was a big success with more than 100 people attending. 

Our next event will benefit LI Cares on April 23 at 6:30 p.m. at the Huntington Cinema Arts Centre.  Singer/songwriter Jen Chapin, daughter of the late folk rock icon Harry Chapin, will be our special guest. In our book, Jen shares how she carries on her father’s legacy by her involvement in music and participating in causes that feed the hungry. Harry Chapin founded LI Cares.  Some other Long Islanders whose stories are featured in our book will also join us, including Janine Lavery, Leona Schwartz, and Maryann Stech. Be sure to check out our website, The Living Memories Project,  for upcoming events.

We’re thrilled that a number of articles about The Living Memories Project were recently published on MariaShriver.com, Huffington Post, After Fifty Living, and The National Association of Baby Boomer Women.  Look for my upcoming piece about The Empty Seat at the Seder Table in this week’s NY Jewish Week and other Jewish publications.

Thanks again for your support, and please continue to share with your friends and family. The book has already sold out twice on Amazon. There will be a new shipment this week. So if you order now, you will get a book shortly.

Here are some links:

The Living Memories Project was featured on MariaShriver.com: http://mariashriver.com/blog/2014/03/harnessing-the-power-of-grief-meryl-ain/

The Living Memories Project was featured on Huffington Post’s TED Weekends: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/meryl-ain-edd/anderson-cooper-and-liam-_b_4844783.html

The Living Memories Project was featured on After Fifty Living: http://www.afterfiftyliving.com/blog/66611/keeping-alive-memories-of-our-parents/

The Living Memories Project was featured on The Literary Book Nook:  http://theliterarynook.blogspot.com/2014/03/book-watch-living-memories-project-by.html

The Living Memories Project  is now available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Living-Memories-Project-Legacies-That/dp/0988255375/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394317575&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Living+Memories+Project

Anderson Cooper and Liam Neeson Talk About Grief

Anderson Cooper and Liam Neeson courageously engaged in a conversation on 60 Minutes that we rarely see on prime time TV.  Cooper interviewed Neeson about the loss of his wife, Natasha Richardson, five years after she died in a skiing accident. The community of grief is a group that no one wants to join, but we are all members at some point in our lives. Yet discussion about loss is noticeably absent from our airwaves. After the obituaries, accolades, and the funeral, we rarely talk about the long-term impact of grief on those who are left behind.

“I wanted very much to have a conversation with Liam about grief,” said Cooper in an expanded interview on 60 Minutes Overtime.  To see the complete interview, click  here.

“People don’t really talk about grief and loss enough in this country, I think, and for those of us who have suffered losses in our lives, it’s something we think about all the time. Not talking about it feels almost artificial.”

Neeson said in the interview that it helps him to talk about his wife.  He told Cooper that he feels that his wife is still present in their home in upstate New York — that he feels “a vibe.” He plants roses and daffodils at her grave.  And his wife’s donated organs are “keeping three people alive,” he said. “She would be very thrilled and pleased.”

He added that he has experienced consolation in the community of those who joined together to comfort him.

“Dealing with grief, dealing with loss– there is power in hearing how other people have dealt with it and power in hearing how other people have faced it and live with it,” said Cooper.

I could not agree with him more. I thank Anderson Cooper and Liam Neeson for participating in this important dialogue. It is particularly meaningful for me since it takes place on the eve of the publication of the book that I wrote with my husband, Stewart, and my brother, Arthur Fischman, about how people have transformed the power of grief into meaningful action and living legacies.

The Living Memories Project: Legacies That Last was a project that I began thinking about following the death of my mother after a brief illness. After speaking with friends and colleagues, I came to the conclusion that there is no closure with those we love deeply; they are in our lives and in our hearts forever.

The book is an effort to provide inspiration from others who had harnessed their grief. The Living Memories Project describes through interviews, anecdotes, essays, poems and photographs, the many ways that 32 individuals – celebrities and others – keep alive the memories of loved ones.  Some are huge projects;  some are small ones.

For example, Nick Clooney tells how he keeps his sisters’ (singers Rosemary and Betty Clooney) memory alive through a museum, foundation and special events. In addition, he talks about how he carries on his grandfather’s values of social responsibility through his work on behalf of Darfur with his son, actor George Clooney.  Another example is the work of Liz and Steve Alderman, who established the Peter C. Alderman Foundation to honor the memory of their 25-year-old son, who was killed on 9/11 at the World Trade Center. The foundation trains doctors and establishes mental health clinics on four continents to treat victims of PTSD.  A simpler tribute is the story of a woman who makes her mother’s special recipes on holidays.

The research and writing of The Living Memories Project has been healing and cathartic for me and for my coauthors. We hope that it will help others by showing readers how to find comfort and meaning through honoring the memory, values, and legacy of their loved ones.  Let us continue the candid conversation exemplified by Anderson Cooper and Liam Neeson.

Twitter: @LivMemoriesProj

Facebook: Facebook.com/LivingMemoriesProject

Website: thelivingmemoriesproject.com