Stephen Kuhn's Blog, page 12

Smart Quote: Burk Parsons

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

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Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Russell Moore | How Christians Should Handle Shame

“Every Christian has had to wrestle at some point with guilt. Even for those who believe, theologically, that they are forgiven in Christ, the struggle to feel forgiven can be agonizing. How should believers in the gospel of justification handle their residing feelings of shame, guilt, and condemnation?”

Key Life | Grace in a…Strip Club?

“Sinners who know themselves to be sinful and desperately needy because of it, find themselves in the presence of Jesus forgiven and loved. Jesus is the only place that the prostitute, the stripper, the adulteress, and the like, find pardon instead of condemnation. Jesus doesn’t shun sinners but embraces them with love so shocking that it sets them free.”

Asley Willis | Why Christians are Getting Sex Wrong

“[F]or years I had learned that sex was a HUGE, shameful no-no, and I would nearly ruin my life if I ever even thought about doing it. I know my parents and church had good intentions in teaching me this way, but to be honest, it just made me scared of sex.”

Tim Challies | How an Affair Really Begins

“One of the great misconceptions about affairs is that they begin with sex. Affairs do not begin with sex. Falling into bed with a man who is not your husband or a woman who is not your wife is never a sudden, unplanned event. Instead, it is a culminating decision in a long list of terrible, self-centered decisions.”

Chad West | No More Do Better Religion

“Any old religion can tell you to be more moral. Anyone with half a decent heart can point out all your flaws. But only the gospel can tell us that, in spite of our deep sin, God offers us peace through Christ.”

Lecrae | Can’t Stop Me Now

The post Weekly Web (W)roundup appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Patheos | Sex and Authentic Desire: What Do You Really Want?

“[T]he Christian tradition insists that nothing in all of creation can fully satisfy a person. Dissatisfaction in itself needn’t imply immaturity; in fact, it is ingredient in what it means to be human. Christians of every make and model know that Augustine had it right: ‘You had made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.'”

Steve McVey | Is God Angry?

“Sadly, I’ve seen that many people share the perception I had of God’s character and personality. Maybe you haven’t been so far gone as to believe that God would let you have a flat tire simply because you didn’t have your quiet time. But my earlier legalistic foolishness highlights the importance of our understanding of God’s nature.”

Benjamin L. Corey | Rethinking Romans 8:28

“There’s a big difference between ‘all things working together for good’ and ‘God working in all things for good.’ In one, God is the causing agent. In the other, God is relentless and unstoppable– he becomes willing and able to take anything you can throw at him, and still find a way to work for good.”

Rob Armstrong | God Has a Reason: A Biblical View of Human Sexuality and Sex

“The conversation about human sexuality, sexual activity, and the role of sex finds its beginning in understanding the relationship of humanity to God. A Christian understanding of the relationship between God and humanity is founded upon the Bible. A biblical understanding of God’s purpose and design for humanity provides the context for rightly understanding all aspects of life, including sexuality and sex.”

The Good Book | How I found freedom from gender confusion

“I didn’t want to be a woman; in the early days I think, above all, I just wanted to be normal. Even as the hiding places in my bedroom filled up with second-hand lingerie, I clung to the hope that one day I’d be ‘cured’—that the urge would disappear completely, or that the sense of disgust I felt whenever I yielded would prove strong enough to stop me yielding the next time. Failing that, I longed for the definition of normal to change—to learn that cross-dressing was actually something perfectly natural and wholesome, something everyone did. I wanted the struggle to end—either in victory, or in acceptance.”

Stand to Reason | Challenge Response: There’s a Contradiction at the Core of Christianity

The post Weekly Web (W)roundup appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Wesley Hill | Sex for Christians: Self-Giving and Sanctifying

“On closer inspection, though, the fact that the early Christians celebrated virginity wasn’t just about being countercultural. They didn’t want to stand out from their neighbors just for the sake of standing out. Instead, their view of their bodies and their life goals and their social structures had been upended by Jesus’ resurrection.”

Key Life | Sorry Not Sorry

“All believers have got to go through the process of repentance. Say you’re sorry, really mean it, and if you do that, then God will take you back. And this is just what happens in the Prodigal Son story, right? Well, maybe not.”

Oprah | Pastor Carl Lentz Interview on Super Soul Sunday

“Oprah is joined by Carl Lentz, a lead pastor at Hillsong Church in New York City, for a conversation that could shift how you experience the world. Pastor Lentz is the dynamic force behind one of the most talked-about new congregations in American Christianity. See why his come-as-you-are approach to faith appeals to a new generation of spiritual seekers, including pop singers, young Hollywood and NBA players.”

Bromleigh McCleneghan | Sexuality: Part of the Imago Dei

“Christians don’t understand sexuality as something that mars our pristine souls with all that gross embodiment—fluids and limbs and passion. Our sexuality is rather a critical part of who we are, part of what makes us unique and alive and which draws us into connection with others. But, and this is important: our sexuality is also only a part of who we are.”

Josh Wilson | No More

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DONE: You Have Received the Gifts of Faith

Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus. (1 Timothy 1:14)

Have you ever thought I just need to generate more faith?

I know I have.

But here’s the deal. Faith isn’t something you can increase on your own, it’s a gift from God.

When a man brought his son to Jesus and asked for him to be healed, Jesus asked if he truly believed in his heart that what he was asking for could be done. In other words, did he have faith?

And how did the man respond?

Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).

This man had heard about Jesus healing others, so he believed in his head what he was asking for could be done.

But that isn’t faith…it’s knowledge.

Faith is when your belief moves from your head into your heart.

For this man, faith came the moment he believed the healing he had seen Jesus offer to others was available to him as well. And in order to believe that, He needed Jesus to help Him overcome his unbelief.

Did Jesus respond to this man’s request with a list of things for him to do to increase his faith? Not at all. Jesus healed the man’s son, proving His faithfulness in spite of the man’s unbelief.

Jesus knew that only His faithfulness would increase the man’s faith. 

Every time you choose to trust Jesus, He will come through for you. Always. And the more He proves to be faithful, the more your faith will increase. Looking at it that way, it’s easy to see how faith is not something you generate on your own, it’s the result of Jesus coming through for you 100% of the time.

The post DONE: You Have Received the Gifts of Faith appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Smart Quote: Thomas Brooks

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

The post Smart Quote: Thomas Brooks appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Reader Q/A: How do I open up to my wife emotionally?

Question: For the 9 years I’ve been married, I have been hiding, controlling, and emotionally closed off to my wife about my deep feelings or thoughts. Now that she knows my deepest and darkest secrets, some that hurt her very badly, how do I go about opening up to the emotional side? She wants me to share more than just what happened to me that day. How can I just open up to her like she wants to see?

This is a very common issue with men who are on a path to recovery.

When you are in the chains of an addiction, you learn to hide your emotions very well. It’s the inevitable result of the lies and deception that come with trying to hide part of your life. Over time, your emotions may shut down completely as you become more and more calloused. For many men, the eventual result manifests in two ways:

A lack of empathy (the ability to feel and understand the suffering of others). I personally reached a point in my addiction where I could lie straight-faced to my wife without any sense of guilt. I remember sitting on our bed, watching her weep because of my sin, and wondering why I didn’t feel badly about it.
A lack of ability to sense or understand your own emotions. When you ignore, stuff, or reject your emotions for long enough, they will begin to feel foreign to you. Learning how to understand (and eventually communicate) what you are truly feeling will be something you can only relearn through practice.

Because you’ve been emotionally closed off for almost a decade, your emotions have likely atrophied. You’re beginning to learn how to understand, identify, and communicate them effectively, but it’s going to take some rehab. In the same way an atrophied muscle is awkward and even painful to use at first, your emotions will need to be brought back slowly to a point of full strength through many clumsy, awkward, and potentially uncomfortable conversations.

Due to the newness of all of this for you, even sharing something simple with your wife (for example: how you felt emasculated at work when your boss belittled you in front of your coworkers), may feel like you’re being overly emotional. Over time though, as you become increasingly aware of your emotions and more comfortable sharing them, this will feel much less awkward.

Now that we’ve laid that foundation, let’s move on to your actual question: How can you open up to your wife like she wants to see. 

You mention in your question that you are no longer hiding, and some of your secrets hurt her very badly. I assume this means you have made the very painful but necessary step of disclosing your struggles to her. If you are like many men who have found the courage to do this, you probably felt immense relief at no longer having anything to hide. You probably felt closer to your wife than ever in that moment and were excited to see how this new lifestyle of openness and honesty would revive your struggling marriage.

Your wife, however, just had her life explode into a million pain-filled shards of shrapnel.

So as much as you want to be emotionally open with her, she may not be ready. Unfortunately, there are no formulas for this, but there are some things that remain true in all situations though:

You can only control yourself. You cannot control another person. Which means your best bet is to focus on the “How can I open up” side of the question rather than the “like she wants to see” side. She may not even know exactly what she wants to see yet. Even if she does know, she probably doesn’t trust you enough to even believe what she does see. So just keep sharing your heart with her as you feel the Spirit leading you. Your consistent willingness to share will likely speak more to her than your openness at first.
Jesus is always the answer. I know this sounds like a Sunday School cliché, but it’s the truest truth there is. At this point, your wife is most likely thinking more about the multiple years you were lying to her than the few recent days, weeks, or months where you’ve been honest. So, rather than attempting to convince her of your trustworthiness through your words, pray for her to see Jesus working in you. The odds are good she isn’t going to trust you for a while, but she may be willing to trust Jesus in you. Chase after Jesus first and foremost.

I can tell from your question that you are already starting down the path to recovery. So keep hanging in there, both in life and in your marriage. Remember, love always hopes. If God can raise Jesus from death, He can surely resurrect your marriage as well.

If you have a question about pornography addiction, my personal story, or anything else for that matter, you can send it to me here (or just click the contact tab to the right). I will do my best to answer every question personally and will never post your question without your permission.

The post Reader Q/A: How do I open up to my wife emotionally? appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Matt Moore | Secret Sin Will Devour You

“Living in secret sin is no trivial thing—it always hinders the outworking of a person’s faith and always possesses the power to destroy a person’s faith. However, God has given us the practice of confession to protect us from these hindrances and endangerments.”

The Daily Signal | Almost Everything the Media Tell You About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Is Wrong

“In the end, Mayer and McHugh observe that much about sexuality and gender remains unknown. They call for honest, rigorous, and dispassionate research to help better inform public discourse and, more importantly, sound medical practice.”

Tim Challies | What God Does With Your Sin

“So, what does God do with your sin? He throws it behind his back, drowns it in the sea, treads it underfoot, blots it out, forgets it, removes it, covers it, takes it away, cancels it, washes it, and forgives it. And God can do and will do all of this in the present because of one thing he did in the past.”

Brad Hambrick | How Do I Know if My Life Struggle Requires Counseling?

“We will offer nine points of reflection to help you identify whether making the time and energy investment in counseling is wise for your life struggle. The more of these you identify with, the more likely counseling would be a wise step for you.”

Desiring God | Three Steps to Stop Wasting Your Life

“[I]f we follow those: trust him, renounce self-reliance, bring him into every situation, he is going to make our paths straight. He is going to keep us from wasting our lives or destroying ourselves and others in the path of sin and bringing us to everlasting joy.”

Key Life | Justification by Faith (In 90 Seconds)

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Smart Quote: Dean Curry

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

The post Smart Quote: Dean Curry appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.

What If You’re the One Who Cheated?

I just noticed that xxxChurch.com reposted one of my older articles on their site today so I figured I’d share the link again here as well. If you aren’t familiar with xxxChurch, they’re the #1 site on the internet offering biblical help for those who struggle with porn addiction. I suggest you check out all the great resources they offer to help you on your journey to freedom. And, of course, check out my post on their site as well.

Earlier this week, Craig wrote about the hard question: “Should I stay or should I go?”

But what if you aren’t the one asking that question? What if you’re the spouse who cheated and brought the question into your marriage?

That, unfortunately, is my story.

I hid my porn addiction from my wife for the majority of our marriage. When I finally did confess it to her, it was like a bomb went off in her heart. She felt hurt, betrayed, blindsided, and angry.

Read the rest of the article on xxxChurch.com.

The post What If You’re the One Who Cheated? appeared first on Belt of Truth Ministries.