Tez Brooks's Blog: TezBrooks.com, page 9
September 1, 2021
How Are You Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Heartbreak?
So a few days ago, a DJ on the radio says his teen daughter just experienced her first heart-break over a guy at school who dumped her for another girl. He tells the other radio host, “So we’re giving her some space.”
I was shocked that this dad’s response was so casual and nonchalant.
I had a million questions I wanted to ask this preoccupied dad:
Why didn’t you ever make an effort meet this guy?
Did you talk to her about getting your permission before letting a guy capture her heart?
Have you trained her how to protect her heart from becoming defrauded like this?
Do you plan to talk to his parents? Have you even made an effort to meet them?
Why don’t you protect her from these romances until she’s ready for marriage?
I wanted to call in to the program. There was so much wrong with this situation I didn’t know where to start. As homeschoolers, we don’t have to worry about my daughter spending 6 hours a day at school with a boy. I wonder what kind of romancing this boy is trying to pull off. Does he have business wooing someone’s daughter if he cant yet afford to marry and support her? Isn’t he just enjoying the fun of romancing a girl with no need to be a responsible man? He couldn’t even follow through on any promises he might have made to love this girl. But isn’t this what we teach our boys to do–to practice for marriage for several years, using some girl(s) and leaving a trail of broken and defrauded hearts until they want to settle down?
I’m so sad for this girl. Her parents are just following society norms. My ideals are so wierd to most I don’t share them unless people ask. Besides I have no idea if my plans to protect my girl will work in the end. I’ve seen a lot of kids rebel as young adults. So I don’t want to come across like some parent with the perfect plan, then end up eating crow later down the road. I’m so prone to self-righteousness and pride. Hate that.
I know my daughters may not embrace my convictions about dating. They might very well decide to ignore my game plan, step out from under my protective care, and have a relationhip with a boy/man independent of my involvement. But for now, they know any boy with romantic interests must first spend time with us as a family friend and ask my permission before trying to win my daughter’s affections.
What about you other dads out there? How do you protect your daughter’s heart? Which camp do you find yourself more comfortable in: societal norms, or counter-cultural ideas? Or somewhere in between?
June 13, 2021
An Open Letter to Dads on Fathers Day
On this Father’s Day weekend I have a gift for you…a gift of words, beginning with some validation and encouragement, then ending with a challenge.
As a father, you no doubt have a lot of weight on your shoulders and I’m guessing that you often feel overwhelmed with all that’s expected of you, even though at times you try to ignore the intensity and immensity of that reality. (I know this because many of you have trusted me enough to tell me what this is like for you).
And much of the time you find it easier to push away the discomfort of facing your own inadequacy so that you don’t have to sit in the space of admitting that it might actually be true that you’re not enough.
But if you peel back the layers and allow yourself to be honest, even vulnerable, you’ll discover that every other father is feeling the exact same way—with a sense of being less than competent, at least when it comes to relationships. Perhaps it’s most noticeable when the women in your life say they need more from you or point out areas of ineptness. And that’s when you find yourself falling into a pattern of slinking back into your shell to find safety from the perceived attack.
But Dad, you weren’t made to shrink back and hide. That’s not where you thrive. You were created to pursue and conquer and lead. The truth is that you’re at your best when you’re taking action while proving to yourself and the world around you that you have what it takes to courageously go after the things—and people—you love and believe in. Read the full article here.
May 9, 2021
I Did It My Way
This is the third in a series of behind-the-scenes blog posts regarding the book, The Single Dad Detour.
Page 39 includes a story about the infamous unwanted grapefruit tree my first wife and I received as a gift. What you don’t know is that the tree was a Christmas gift from my in-laws.
A nice enough gift if their motive had been right and if I was more mature. But we were both wrong. They gave us the tree merely thinking it would grow and they would get some fresh fruit in return.
In their defense, they were not thinking about the time and money it takes to grow good citrus in Florida. Fertilizer, pruning, and pest control (rats) were added chores that came with owning a fruit tree. At the time, I held an out-of-town job and commuted to work. I was away from home for 12 hours each day. I rarely had time to do extra work.
Oh and let’s not overlook my identity to a yard. To me, the yard was a reflection of who I was—-much like house decor reflects the woman who lives there. I was particular (maybe too much) of what I put in my yard. I carefully considered the type of grass, each flower, and tree, the kind of landscape bricks—-everything.
So when I saw the potted tree on Christmas morning, I was not sure how to respond. The look on my in-law’s faces clued me in to smile big and thank them. But as they dove into their expectations of reciprocated bags of fruit, my grin faded. I had visions of fat, fruit-fed rats taking over my yard and home, money spent of pruning tools and fertilizers, a heater to keep the tree from freezing during the winter months. Yes, central Florida often gets freezing temperatures that ruin entire citrus groves.I dutifully planted the tree and watered it. Then, under cover of night, so my neighbors couldn’t see me, I poured gasoline on the roots of that sweet little tree.
So good for the environment.
I never bothered to stop and ask God what I should do. Instead, as Frank Sinatra sang, “I did it my way.”
What a coward and a fool I was. I might have enjoyed years of fresh produce but I was too self-centered. I forfeited the joy of receiving a wonderful gift and the opportunity to provide sweet treats to my wife, kids, and in-laws.
In this story shared in The Single Dad Detour I go on to explain how, if unchecked, our attitudes and actions lead us down roads we later regret.
Being led by the Holy Spirit is key to surviving, whether it’s a Christmas gift you don’t want or a spouse that doesn’t want you. How often we take matters into our own hands.
When things don’t go as planned, pray. That’s the lesson here. Pray for wisdom, pray for humility, pray for maturity. The Lord is an ever-present help in time of need.
The rest of the story? Well, that poisoned tree lasted about 4-5 days and died. Then I pulled it out of the ground and tossed it in the trash can. I thought my problems were solved. In actuality, that dead tree represented a much bigger problem I was of yet unaware.
The devil had poured poison on my family and I was about to discover my marriage was dead. But you’ll have to read the book if you want to know more about that.
May 5, 2021
Advice from a Single Dad
A few months ago, I had the privilege of interviewing Lawrence Jackson, a local single dad who wants to encourage other parents who struggle to parent alone. It’s our hope his story helps someone.
TEZ: Lawrence, how did your kids initially handle the news of your marriage break-up?
LAWRENCE: The initial reaction to the divorce from the boys was upsetting. They felt like it was their fault. Both of us reminded them that none of this was their doing and we loved them both. We tried to keep the specifics and reasons to ourselves because that’s nothing they needed to concern themselves about. But our oldest kept insisting, so we decided together as parents to tell him about his mom’s unfaithfulness.
That was a terrible idea. Instead of being understanding he got angry and chose sides, and really went off on his mother. I told him that wasn’t his place and he needed to respect her—no matter what she did.
TEZ: That’s hard. And how did you deal with the divorce, emotionally?
LAWRENCE: The saddest moment for me came when I was shopping. A mutual friend of ours saw me and asked where my wife was. I broke down right in the store. I knew it was over, but no one else did. Although I’m the one who initiated the divorce, I was grieving.
TEZ: When those emotions popped up around the kids, how did you handle it?
LAWRENCE: I had friends who eventually knew what was going on and they were very patient and understanding with me. If I ever just needed to call and have them listen to me vent, they were there. But I made a point to never speak ill of their mom while the kids were around. Not saying that I never did…but I was careful most of the time. My advice is to just always take the higher ground and keep your feeling to yourself. Vent to a friend, not the kids.
TEZ: Community is helpful but so often we men tend to isolate ourselves during a crisis. What are some other ways you found it helpful to have a community?
LAWRENCE: My friends were there to listen and offer advice. They saved me in many ways. It’s always important to have someone to talk to. You’re going to need help going through this. You can’t do it alone.
TEZ: Did you ever find yourself hovering?
LAWRENCE: I do feel like parents can become more protective after a divorce. I feel as parents we should check in on them emotionally, but not go overboard and draw more attention to what’s going on.
TEZ: When you consider romantic relationships, how are things different now?
LAWRENCE: Getting re-married wasn’t even on my mind. I got married at the age of 20 and stayed together for more than 14 years. After everything that happened the last thing I wanted was to re-marry. But I have found love again. This time I’m thinking not about my own happiness alone, but the kids too. The kids will definitely know first if I decide to get serious with someone or remarry.
TEZ: During a journey like this, how important is it, in your opinion, to have your life grounded in God?
LAWRENCE: During this whole ordeal I’ll admit, I felt some force moving me forward. Someone telling me it would be alright. Someone greater than myself. There were so many gifts I received during and after my divorce that were obviously blessings. I’ve never been very religious, but I’ll admit I feel like a higher power is at play and he’s the one I thank every day.
TEZ: Yes, God desires a personal relationship with all of us. During my own journey, I realized a deeper walk with Him was vital to my survival. I’d love to talk with you more about that. My advice for single dads is to make sure they have a close walk with the Creator. What advice do you have for single dads?
LAWRENCE: Just breath. Be there for the kids. Try to keep the peace with your ex. Don’t argue in front of the kids. When you have time with the kids make it quality time and try to make it as normal as possible. They listen and see a lot more than you know. Give them a chance to express their feelings, and comfort them. Lean on your friends and family.
TEZ: Thanks, Lawrence. It was a joy interviewing you and I’ll pray God reveals himself to you in ways that draw you to depend on him more and more as you father your children. God bless you, friend.
Bio: Lawrence is a single dad in Colorado who likes spending time with his friends and playing video games with his kids. He enjoys working out, fishing, and the outdoors.
April 27, 2021
The Stronghold of Bitterness
This is one in a series of behind-the-scenes blog posts regarding my book, The Single Dad Detour.
At the start of Chapter 3, I mention a friend named “Rick.” A fake name for the book, but a real friend, nonetheless.
Rick and I were buddies from my days living in Polk County, FL. We went to church together and performed together in several drama productions at our church where I served as the Director of Theater Arts.
On page 36, I mention how upset he was that the courts were expecting him to pay way more child support than he did before the divorce. I too, recall feeling victimized when I looked at the standard of living my kids had before the divorce and the much higher standard expected from me after the split. It was ludicrous.
But with Rick, who was now single again, it took him to some low places of depression and bad choices.
In the book, I mention his descent into drinking and dropping out of our community. He lost visitation rights with his daughter, then stopped his child support completely. But here’s the behind-the-scenes part or “the rest of the story” for Rick.
Rick and I slowly lost contact because we didn’t see eye-to-eye about things anymore. Eventually, I heard he started using drugs and had a run-in with local law enforcement.
Then something awful happened. I never found out if the drugs were related to this but one day the news came that Rick had been killed in a car accident.
What a sad end to Rick’s life. His 13-year-old now had no dad and the only legacy he left behind was that of a dead-beat drug addict. I still loved Rick, even after he cut many of us out of his life.
Rick’s life stands as a warning to single dads.
Don’t allow bitterness to have a foothold. Whether it’s toward your ex-spouse, the courts, or even a child who refuses to see you. Take the high road. Cling to Jesus and cast all your burdens upon the Lord.
He cares for you. He is your refuge–your strong tower.
The Single Dad Detour: Directions for Fathering After Divorce released in February 2015 and became a work that is being utilized internationally to help dads all over the world. In 2020 Serious Writer awarded it Book of the Decade.
April 26, 2021
Sunset is Quickly Approaching
My youngest daughter entered high school last fall. I feel like she was just born a few months ago and I holding her in one arm.
Parents, have you ever said “I have plenty of time”?
I’m not so sure we do. Time flies by so fast and before you know it, it’s dusk.
I’m not sure about you, but I don’t often realize how fast the “second half” of our kids’ time with us passes. The first nine years goes by so slow. It seems to take forever as we watch them learn to walk, start talking, get out of diapers, go to school, ride a bike, etc..
It just seems natural the next 9 years will be drawn out too.
Wrong! Those second nine, they progress three times faster. When we hit their ninth birthday, we’re 75% done, people. Everything accelerates.
So what factors contribute to this?:
_____We get busier as parents and our careers often cause us to spend less time at home
_____Other people start influencing our kids. Things like friends, TV and music, teachers…all accelerate their exposure and learning.
_____Younger siblings demand our time, so the older kids get less of us.
_____For single parents, as the kids get older they often decide to spend more time with one parent and so the other parent loses time and influence.
____Part-time jobs for our teens pull them farther from us.
____(Fill in another 20 reasons).
Ephesians 5:16 encourages us to make good use of our time on Earth. The opportunity to be influential in our child’s life doesn’t last as long as we think.
Sunset is quickly approaching. I want to seize the day and invest in our kids aggressively before the sun sets and they are no longer under our roof. Non-custodial parents have even less time.
What are some ways you influence your kids? Share some ideas with us so we can redeem the time we’ve already lost.
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Protecting Your Gift
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2: 1-3, NIV).
“What makes you think people want to read your poems?” Michael stared hard at me.
As my mouth dropped, I couldn’t decide if I was hurt or ticked off. Michael held a position of spiritual authority over me. He raised his eyebrows, demanding an answer.
“I thought my poetry might help someone.”
“Perhaps you think too highly of yourself.” Michael forged a smile.
My shoulders drooped. I hated to think I might be struggling with pride, unable to recognize the truth.
Shamed back into seclusion, I spent the afternoon deleting poems from my website. Who was I to imagine my writing might minister to others?
Satan knows which buttons to push to make us ineffective. Although my work had won contests, I struggled with insecurity.
I developed the foolish habit of sharing my work with dream killers, naysayers, and even a few jerks—obviously. As a result, I wasn’t very productive creatively.
In the Old Testament, Joseph too made the mistake of sharing his dreams with the wrong people—his brothers. He paid dearly for it.
In my case, it took years of painful conversations to realize, if I wanted to be successful, I must be selective with whom I kept company. I must be diligent at protecting my gift.
Several years ago I began looking for a critique group. A place where I could collaborate with others and safely share the prose God had given me. One group I visited seemed jealous of each other. Another was filled with sweet old ladies, but they weren’t serious about developing their craft, and they smelled like vitamins.
I wondered if there existed a group of professional authors, passionate about glorifying the Lord with their talent.
Then I heard about a professional critique group that offered support and spoke the truth in love. The name of the group was Word Weavers International (insert angel choir here). I visited a local chapter and found a community of believers earnest about refining their skills and speaking into each other’s lives with grace and tact.
I soon realized rubbing shoulders with these authors was affecting my writing. Their encouragement spurred me to produce only the best for my King. With their help, I honed my craft, becoming a published author and editor of a magazine.
The confidence and genuine humility modeled by my new community transformed my hobby into a second career.
Proverbs 12:26 advises, we need to choose our friends wisely, for we become like those we befriend. Dream killers are easy to find, but godly, gracious friends who rejoice in your successes—those are the people we must seek out.
Fortunately, Michael quickly disappeared from my life. Ironically, last I heard, he had become a soloist and recorded his own CD.
Hmm, so much for following his own advice.
How about you? What ways do you protect your gifts and calling from naysayers?
April 13, 2021
20 Things Your Teen Needs to Know Before Leaving Home
“Pick up your jacket and clean your bathroom!” I called from the kitchen.
I was ticked as I cleaned the mess my teen had left after they made their own pancakes. The batter was everywhere (even the walls) and the dirty dishes looked like they had just fed an army.
Why does it take 4 pans to make 2 pancakes?
Preparing our teens for real life is an important part of child-rearing. There are important things your teen needs to know before leaving home. But training them for adulting is so exhausting. Many times I just do the chore myself because I’m too tired to fight.
Then I suddenly realize how foolish that is and I go on strike, waiting for my child to notice.
Dumb. They may notice but they won’t care.
The “Have a New Kid by Friday” approach (Kevin Lehman) always seems to work when I’m needing a quick, easy way to correct and realign my kids. But not everything is about correcting your child. Much of it is just educating them for the realities of life without you.
Your teen should know young adulthood means money is tighter, living spaces are smaller, clothes are cheaper and sometimes (heaven forbid) public transportation is involved.
There are a million facts your youngster needs to discover, and you can’t even begin to share them all before they launch out on their own. But to set them up for success, here are 20 important pieces of advice to start.
1. They should know the cure for boredom or depression is to serve others. Volunteer somewhere. When they see the plights of others, life for them won’t seem so terrible.
2. Learn to persevere when things get difficult or they face disappointments. Giving up is an epidemic with today’s youth because we always seem to rescue them. Hitting rock bottom won’t kill them.
3. The lifestyle they enjoyed under your roof is not waiting for them upon moving out. Learning to support yourself is key, especially for young men. They must understand independence from Mom and Dad, and total dependence on God.
4. Adulthood is not for the weak. They cannot move back home every time things get difficult. Jobs are lost, cars break down, bills need to be paid. They must realize they cannot be rescued from feeling the impact of unplanned circumstances.
5. Prepare them for adulthood early by requiring them to pay a small room and board fee when they get their first job at 16. Help them open a bank account and don’t bail them out if overdraft fees occur.
6. Everyone has bad days. Help them understand God is not picking on or punishing them for something.
7. Teach them the importance of showing up on time. For work, church, weddings, parties, and dinner. Being late makes you look like you aren’t reliable, don’t respect other people’s time, or you just plain didn’t care.
8. They should know how many employers would prefer not to see tattoos, lip piercings, or eyebrow rings.
9. Their role models and mentors should not be their peers. Your young man should never ask a roommate how to propose to a woman. Your young ladies should never pursue a guy, no matter how often their girlfriends encourage her to.
10. When you have a weak, flabby handshake people wonder about your spine. And looking someone in the eyes is not aggressive, it’s polite. Be articulate–don’t mumble!
11. They must understand the importance of choosing friends carefully. We become like those with which we associate.
12. The quickest way to get rid of a crowd is to talk about yourself.
13. Learn how to read well, read fast, and read aloud. It gives the impression that you’re sharp and stand above the rest.
14. While it’s true, ending every sentence you speak with a question mark might be trendy, it doesn’t reflect confidence or intelligence. Making a definitive statement that ends with a period isn’t hostile–it’s called confidence.
15. Observations, profiling, prejudice, and racism are all completely different. Learn the difference.
16. Learn the importance of planning and how it leads to success. Never let life carry you wherever it goes.
17. Own your mistakes and failures. Pointing fingers and blaming others makes you look unreliable and irresponsible.
18. Save money for emergencies. Don’t spend everything you make. And if you don’t give to God (tithe and offerings), you’re messing up and you’ll never get ahead.
19. Know the Word of God. Study it, otherwise, you’ll be led astray by everything.
20. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, and soul…and love others like you love yourself. Love people and use things, not the other way around.
This might only be scratching the surface on all the advice our kids need. But I can start with these and repeat them often. They won’t hear me the first time.
Do you have a few pieces of advice to add to the list above? Share them in the comments.
April 8, 2021
Glitch
“If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.” John 15:19 (NIV)
I sometimes struggle with acceptance. Especially as a Christian who stands up for my rights. The world can be pretty rough on you if they discover you don’t share their values. There’s little tolerance for followers of Jesus.
Long ago, on the island state of Tasmania lived a nightmarish predator that farmers couldn’t tolerate. Not to be confused with the Tasmanian devil, this outcast was called the Tasmanian tiger. But since the last captive one died in a zoo in 1936, they are thought to be extinct.
Maybe.
It was quite an anomaly. Resembling a large wolf with tiger stripes, these carnivorous marsupials would sometimes stand upright and hop around on two legs.
Their jaws opening to an unearthly 120-degree angle they were sometimes called a glitch or freak of nature, a mess.
Frightening to encounter in the outback, these elusive monsters might still be around according to eyewitnesses who claim to have spotted them.
I too, feel like an anomaly. The world, with its distorted thinking, is offended by me. When those who do not follow Jesus learn of my unconventional behavior and beliefs, they look at me in horror. Like I’m a malformed beast attempting to devour them.
The world would rather I am extinct. Christianity only reminds them of their desperate need for a Savior and it infuriates them. The more different we are, the greater their discomfort. Our presence disrupts and creates animosity between us and the devil’s territory.
We may be strange to non-believers but we’re beautiful creatures of God, made in his image. And you know what? We’re not extinct. It’s been 2,000 years and we’re still here. They can’t get rid of us!
I must learn to stand upright, open my mouth wide, and speak truth. Proclaiming his loving-kindness and mercy to those who oppose us. We are beautiful messes glorifying our Savior.
In what ways have you boldly lived holy and uncompromising? How have you creatively shared your faith?
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Guest Post by Dena Yohe: Easter Can Be Hard
Each holiday can be hard for parents of prodigals in its own unique way. Our minds wander over the past. Memories from when our children were young and innocent flood our thoughts.
You can still see your adorable little girl in her Easter outfit with brand new shoes and ruffled socks. Her impish grin could melt your heart.
Your precious little boy was so cute at four; his sweetness could make you smile any day.
What fun you had surprising your little ones with Easter baskets full of treats. You treasure all those good times: Easter egg hunts, church events, etc. Whatever your family traditions may have been, you remember them.
Now you remember with sadness.
Most of us were blessed with some good years—how could we forget? But that was a long time ago…today our treasured memories are bitter reminders of what we’ve lost. They bring us increased pain because things with our children aren’t happy anymore.
Some of us wonder if our child will ever like us again or want to spend time with us, or worse yet, we wonder if they’ll survive. We’d be content just to hear from them to know they’re alright.
In my experience, holidays are bittersweet because of how the sweetness of the past mingles alongside the bitterness of the present.
Hopelessness and weariness are heavy burdens to bear.
Dear friends, this Easter season, please hold on to hope. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You can’t see what God is doing at this very moment. His work is hidden from your eyes. Your challenge is to keep trusting in the dark, while you wait.
Trust the God of compassion who comforts those who look to Him through Jesus, the perfect Lamb who died for all. He will lift up your head, make His face shine upon you and give you His peace.
Be encouraged with the knowledge that Jesus suffered alone on the cross so you don’t have to suffer alone. You suffer together.
The chorus of an old Easter hymn (At the Cross) summarizes my hope for you and your child this holiday season:
“At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now I am happy all the day.”
Prayer: Heavenly Father, we pray that this Easter our prodigal loved ones will finally see the light of the gospel in the cross of Christ so the burden of their hearts will roll away. We would be so happy. In the glory of the cross, may they find their own personal faith that indeed you are the Son of God!
Bless them with spiritual eyesight to personally, powerfully, and undeniably know the joy of the Resurrection, now and forever!!! This is the hope of our hearts! Fix our eyes on the cross where our true joy comes from. In the name of our Savior Jesus. Amen.
Go to our website for more information.
Our hope is in the Lord,
Dena Yohe
BIO: 
Tom and Dena Yohe know the struggles associated with troubled children. They suffered watching their daughter go through depression, substance abuse, and self-injury. The Yohes use the difficult path of their family’s healing and recovery, to offer hope for other parents of wayward children.
