Tez Brooks's Blog: TezBrooks.com, page 5
February 20, 2023
Should Those Who Love Me, Use My Nickname?
Over the years, people have asked me what “Tez” means. My response can be anywhere from “It’s a nickname” to a more in-depth redemptive explanation if I’m feeling especially transparent and the person feels safe to me. But now I’m putting it out there for everyone–regardless the response.
I was born Terry Dean Brooks—not Terrence, just Terry. After four male children, Mom and Dad wanted a girl so badly that they decided to call the next child Terry, regardless of gender. I’m fairly certain one should never tell this to their young boy, but Mom didn’t mean any harm. Had she known how it would affect me, she would never have said it. Nevertheless, it was the beginning of some powerful issues I had to deal with.
Unathletic and bit husky, I was drawn to creativity and the arts and was a bit of a momma’s boy. During my elementary years, I was often bullied and called cruel terms like “Terry the fairy.” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew it was feminine, and since I was a boy, it had to be bad.
I often found refuge on the weekends when I attended church with my guy friends who accepted me and made me feel safe. Eventually, even church was not safe. A man there noticed my sensitive demeanor and took advantage of my need for male attention. This pedophile started grooming me at age seven (as well as several of my church friends) with kindness, gentle touches, gifts, and finally, boundary testing. He eventually molested me as a young teen. None of us kids told each other—we were too ashamed. I blamed myself and buried the memory deep into my subconscious until all I recalled was a vague memory of something terrible I must have caused.
Puberty found me confused and wondering why my normal admiration of men had suddenly turned sexual. It’s important to understand the close connection between the physical and psychological that occur during adolescence. A lot of wires get crossed in a young boy’s brain when he’s been molested. When hormones flood his brain and body at the same the results are life-altering. I struggled for decades, wondering why I was attracted to both women and men—silently walking out my salvation feeling guilty and as if God regretted I was his child.
Thankfully, God kept a short leash on me and I never strayed far from his side. Life moved forward, I married and became a father. Those unnatural feelings slowly faded so I chalked it up to “youthful experimentation.” But when my marriage failed after ten years, a different kind of shame enveloped me; the shame of losing my wife to another man. Was I not masculine enough–not desirable? My self-esteem received a hit that took years to overcome.
I eventually remarried and had more children. As missionaries, my family and I were assigned to Australia for a few years. That was where God did something miraculous for my personal healing. Something lasting.
A few months into our assignment, I re-connected online with one of my childhood friends from church. He opened up about his abuse by the same man. I was both numb and enraged.
The conversation turned dark as we shared details and how it affected our lives growing up. As I hung up, a light turned on in my head. I suddenly realized it wasn’t my fault. Although my wife already knew my past, I shared this new discovery with her–that I hadn’t somehow tempted this guy to do it—he forced me.
As we talked, my wife said self-blame was typical for survivors who can’t deal with the loss of control over the situation. After reasoning together for a while, we prayed, my head buried in her shoulder, weeping, healing.
We decided I should get some Christian counseling so I could work through these memories and gain a healthier understanding of how it affected my relationship with men, women, my parents, my brothers, and God. The months of counsel and homework in Australia were hard but good for my healing and maturity. I understood how Christ’s work on the cross had removed the disgrace I’d carried for decades. He took my shame upon himself, exchanging it by imputing his own honor and dignity into me.
During one of my prayer times with the Lord, I distinctly recall a sense that God was giving me a new identity, and with that, a new name. Of course, I assumed that meant some biblical name that meant something profound—like Abram (Abraham) or Saul (Paul). And I assumed it would be private, between me and God.
Nope.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, Australians love to assign nicknames. One playful method is to take a name ending in “ry” and change it to “ez.” Mary becomes Mez and Jerry is changed to Jez.
They called me Tez.
It made me smile. It wasn’t the nickname itself. Though the name didn’t have all the baggage of my birth name. There was more—something restorative about how my male friends pronounced this new label.
When I entered a room, their deep, masculine bravados would call it out as if tagging me as part of their manly-man club. As if announcing to the world that their long-lost favorite television personality had walked on stage.
“Tez!” they would shout. Sometimes in unison, sometimes consecutively, as I passed by each of their offices. I felt loved. I felt treasured. I felt renewed.
Meanwhile, more of my writing was being published. Magazine editors asked if I would use a pen name since Terry Brooks was a famous fantasy fiction author. It wasn’t prudent for me to use the same name, so I agreed to the pseudonym “Tez Brooks.”
Before long, even my wife started calling me Tez, and it stuck. I felt too old for a name change, but by the time we returned to the United States, it was who I was. Only then did it occur to me God had indeed given me a gift in this new title. He’d transformed my heart, healing me from deep wounds. I arrived home, a new man.
Please understand, this story is not about me pointing fingers by calling myself a victim to avoid confronting my own fallen condition. And I’m in no way saying that my redemption came from simply a new name or even counseling. This is about Christ’s power to deliver all of us if we believe and receive him–be it a child molester or a young man dealing with same-sex attraction.
Whether we are rejecting God and living for ourselves or passionately following Christ, we all desperately need a Savior, every day of our lives. Jesus came to trade our rebellion for forgiveness, our shame for honor, our suffering for healing–so that you and I can have life more abundantly (John 10:10).
Let me clarify something with a verse, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect, I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be” (Philippians 3:12, TLB).
Very few people now know my given name. Except for my medical records, most everything (my mail, my bank, even my signature) changed to Tez. The old name, carrying memories of hurt and shame, has passed away.
Some of my relatives or long-time friends can’t find it in themselves to call me Tez. That’s ok; old habits are hard to break, so I give them grace. Although they know about my past, perhaps they don’t understand the liberating nature of this name change. I’m grateful to those who do refer to me as Tez after calling me Terry for decades. Because each time they say Tez, it reminds me of God’s grace. It builds me up, making those people who’ve adopted this new label part of my redemption.
I understand how Simon might have felt when Jesus said, “I’m going to tell you who you really are. You are Peter, a rock.” (Matthew 16:18, MSG). More than a simple nickname—it’s my new identity in Christ.
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February 8, 2023
How Should the Church Help Members with LGBTQ Issues?
Meet Shane*, a construction worker and single dad who loves Jesus and is deeply committed to following the Lord. But Shane struggles with feelings for other guys. His church offers a ministry to those like Shane.
Although the group offered him a tight community, he found it alienating and difficult to meet other people at church he might enjoy getting to know, like other single parents or those in the construction business.
“I just want to be looked at as a regular guy,” Shane said. “A Christian, without my old labels.”
I felt sad for Shane. There are a lot of Christian organizations and churches reaching out and ministering to believers who experience homosexual feelings. But are churches offering the wrong support?
The question is answered when we look at the various names we use to identify this group. Some say they want to be identified as a person who struggles with attraction to the same gender. Others call themselves gay Christians. Still, others feel like 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 is clear regarding our identity. So which is the proper terminology? Let’s explore each of these titles a little closer. Only then can we help guys like Shane.
LABELS
To be honest, the term gay Christian is an oxymoron to many Christians, because the word gay carries with it a stigma. Among the evangelical community, it implies a certain lifestyle that is contrary to a Christian’s life.
To most Bible-believing Christ-followers, gay means you are actively in a homosexual lifestyle or open to it. It assumes you are not attempting to pursue a holy life of abstinence. This is how most Christians interpret gay, as a verb.
With this definition in mind, we can see how the phrase gay Christian, upsets believers because it’s like saying, “I’m a Christian bank robber.” It just doesn’t make sense and feels downright blasphemous for someone to claim they are a follower of Christ, yet blatantly refuse to obey his Word. It brings reproach upon themselves, the church, and the name of Christ.
If you call yourself a gay Christian, I know this can be a painful revelation. Especially if you are refraining from sin but don’t know what else to call yourself. It’s not that believers are assuming the worst of you; it’s that choosing to call yourself “gay Christian” is misleading and carries a scandalous definition. If you are dedicated to God’s precepts, you must forsake this mislabeling.
Another phrase, same-sex attraction (SSA), seems to be more acceptable to Christians. It promotes empathy in their hearts. Christians understand this label and more readily embrace it because it doesn’t imply that sin is happening; it merely implies a temptation. We all struggle with temptation. This label implies no active sinfulness—only a cry for help. But still, is this the right label?
THE BIBLICAL LABEL
I would plead both labels are incorrect for these Christians trying to live holy lives. We miss the mark when we begin to bring attention to or make this particular sin special. When we form customized affinity groups for those struggling with attraction toward the same gender, we place the focus (and sympathy) on the sin, making it bigger, or greater than other sins.
Are we to make an identity out of a temptation pattern? No, that is divisive and leads us away from Christ, our hope. This is why we don’t see Christians wearing name tags that say, “Ex-Fibber” or “Former Shop-Lifter.” We should be treating LGBTQ tendencies like any other sin of which we’ve been forgiven. After all, does God categorize sins as lesser or greater?
By diminishing any sin’s importance, we correctly place the focus on mortifying. I’m not talking about humiliating yourself. Mortification has two definitions. I’m referring to the second (i.e. pursuing holiness by intentionally and strategically killing fleshly desires through the discipline of self-denial). We must ruthlessly starve our old nature until it’s dead! Rather than identification, we must choose mortification—the more biblical solution to any sin.
I do think it’s wise to acknowledge certain issues hold more difficult challenges (i.e. money mismanagement, eating disorders, alcoholism, porn addiction, homosexuality, pedophilia) and necessitate understanding and empathy. However, when it begins to separate and elevate certain individuals over other sins, I think we fail our dear comrades like Shane. We must help our brothers and sisters begin identifying as a new creation and embrace the biblical label of “New Creation.”
We must re-direct these precious brothers and sisters away from identifying to mortifying. Then we place the emphasis on the work of Christ and his blood, instead of on their sins. Born-again children of God have a new identity. We are new creatures! We need not continue to call ourselves by our old labels. This only defeats and beats us down so that we can not rise above it to be what Christ has already made us—victorious over sin and death.
MY STORY
Lest you shake a finger and say, “The identity that comes with same-sex attraction runs deep in the psyche of those who own it. You can’t possibly know what it’s like! It can’t be easily thrown off or minimized.”
You’re right; any sexual sin is hard to overcome. But I’m speaking from experience. Ever since as a young teen by a man in our church, I myself have struggled with sexual attraction toward both women and men at times. That’s right; I just outed myself. It’s not the first time–I’ve shared my testimony several times over the decades. But I don’t go around calling myself someone with SSA.
By God’s grace, he kept a very short leash on me. I never turned from him or the church. Over the decades, I realized God probably was never going to remove those feelings completely, but he graciously continued to give me an attraction for women. I see his redemptive power in my life every day when I look at my lovely wife, four amazing children, and a thriving ministry.
I’m not worthy, and his pardon overwhelms me with gratitude.
My favorite verse, Philippians 3:12, says it best, “I don’t mean to say I’m perfect, I haven’t learned all I should even yet. But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be” (Living Bible).
I stand as a testimony of God’s grace because I know I have lots of issues. I struggle with pride, arrogance, fear of failure, anger, temptation to look at porn, to lie, to steal, to stare too long at a woman… or a man. I watch too much TV and eat too many donuts. Sometimes I neglect my wife or yell at my kids. I forget to pray or read his Word and don’t love others like Christ…the list goes on.
Still, I refuse to write these sins on my forehead and make sure everyone understands this is who I am. It never occurs to me to introduce myself as a bisexual Christian any more than I’d call myself a pizza-monger.
God’s word makes it clear I’m to embrace the new man inside. I can’t constantly identify by creating a public spotlight for each of those issues and hanging out with others of similar pigeon-holes, just because I feel they “get me” more than other Christians.
I must abase my flesh and die to self. Because my propensity to sin is not who I am. I’m so much more than my battles—I’m a husband, a daddy, a missionary, an author, a hiker, and more. Primarily, I am no longer a slave to sin, but a child of God. That is my utmost identity (Romans 6: 6 and 11).
LET US THROW IT OFF
Homosexuality is not a behavior to be modified. It’s a sin to be mortified. Labels only reinforce the old man and make him harder to resist. How long can a person who calls himself a gay Christian continue to deny that temptation? When will they, because of that label, finally act out on it? How long can someone say they have SSA without it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Those identifying as Christians who are gay, SSA, gender dysphoric, or anything on the LGBTQ+ spectrum need loving, gentle guidance to help kill the flesh. Believers immersed and grounded in God’s word can help them live life more abundantly. Every Christ-follower (you, me, and Shane) must learn to sever our hearts and minds from Satan’s labels and embrace our new identity as “cherished of God,” “highly favored,” “saint,” “lover of righteousness,” “holy one,” “child of the light.”
Ephesians 4:22-24 reminds us what we were taught with regard to our former way of life—to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, and be made new in our minds. To put on the new nature that was created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Only when we strip away the old man and pursue who God has called us to be, will we experience true freedom from sin.
*Name changed for privacy
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How To Decide Between Helicopter vs. Free-Range Parenting
As parents see their children grow to leave the nest, they often start second-guessing themselves, wondering if they parented right. Especially if their young adult appears to be struggling to live on their own. Exploring two parenting styles helps us better understand the pros and cons of each.
Hands-Off Parenting
Free-range parenting is a style that emphasizes giving children independence and autonomy, allowing them to explore the world and learn through experience. It can affect kids as they become young adults in several ways:
Increased independence: Free-range parenting can help children develop a sense of independence and self-reliance, which can be beneficial as they transition into adulthood. They are able to make decisions and solve problems on their own.Stronger problem-solving skills: a hands-off style allows children to make mistakes and learn from them, which can help them develop strong problem-solving skills.Greater confidence: Children who are given autonomy and independence may develop greater confidence in their abilities and feel more capable of handling new challenges.Greater sense of responsibility: Kids who are given more freedom may develop a greater sense of responsibility for their actions as an adult and the consequences that come with them.More resilience: Kids that can explore and try new things may become more resilient in the face of failure and setbacks. They are likely to be more comfortable with taking risks and facing new challenges.Better judgment: Free-range parenting may help young adults develop better judgment and decision-making skills. They learn to take responsibility for their actions and to evaluate the risks and benefits of their choices.
What negative outcomes result?
While free-range parenting can have many positive benefits, there are also some potential negative outcomes that may result, such as:
Increased risk-taking behavior: Children who are given more freedom and autonomy may be more likely to engage in risky behavior, such as substance use or reckless driving.Difficulty following rules: Kids who are not used to having set boundaries and rules may have a harder time following them, which can lead to problems with authority figures or in educational or professional settings.Lack of structure: free-range kids don’t have set routines and schedules and may have a harder time adjusting to the structure and discipline required in educational, professional, and other adult settings.Difficulty with communication: Children who are not used to discussing their thoughts and feelings with their parents may have a harder time communicating with others and may have difficulty forming healthy relationships.Difficulty with self-regulation: They may have difficulty regulating their emotions and impulses, which can lead to problems with self-control and decision-making.Difficulty with academics: Teens who are not given enough direction and structure may struggle to focus on their studies and may find it hard to complete homework and other academic assignments.It’s important to note that free-range parenting does not mean neglecting children or leaving them without guidance or boundaries. It’s about finding a balance between giving children the freedom to learn and grow independently and providing them with the guidance, support, and protection they need to be safe and healthy. Parents should be aware of the potential negative outcomes and take steps to mitigate them while still allowing their children to have their own experiences.
Helicopter Parenting
Overparenting can cause young adults to fail in a number of ways, causing young adults to boomerang back home. Here are a few:
Lack of independence: Helicopter parents often do too much for their children, preventing them from learning how to do things on their own. This can make it difficult for young adults to make decisions, solve problems, and take responsibility for their actions.Difficulty handling failure: Parents often shield their children from failure, which can make it difficult for young adults to handle disappointment and setbacks when they inevitably occur. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.Difficulty with self-regulation: Over-protective moms and dads often do not allow their children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. This can make it difficult for young adults to learn self-regulation and self-discipline.Difficulty with self-motivation: Helicopter parents often do things for their children that they can do themselves. This can make it difficult for young adults to develop self-motivation and initiative.Difficulty with managing stress: mothers in particular, often shield their children from stress and pressure, which can make it difficult for young adults to manage stress when they are faced with it.Difficulty with resilience: Hovering parents often shield their children from facing challenges and difficulties, which can make it difficult for young adults to develop resilience and the ability to cope with adversity.How Hovering Helps
Helicopter parenting is not always bad, but it can be harmful when it becomes excessive and doesn’t allow for the child to learn and grow on their own. In fact, here are some very valuable outcomes:
Improved academic performance: Parents often monitor their children’s academic progress closely and provide extra support when needed. This can help children achieve better grades and test scores.Greater emotional support: Helicopter parents often provide their children with a great deal of emotional support and encouragement. This can help teens and young adults feel more secure and confident.Greater sense of responsibility: Helicopter parents often hold their children accountable for their actions and help them learn to take responsibility for their mistakes. This can help children develop a strong sense of responsibility and integrity.Increased structure: mothers and fathers who hover often provide their children with structure and routine, which can help young people feel more secure and stable.Greater sense of belonging: A close-knit family usually means more involvement, which helps your young adult feel more connected and supported.The Dance
Ultimately a good balance of the two parenting styles produced the best results. Knowing when to hover and when to back off is a dance all parents must learn in order to produce healthy young adults who can survive in this world.
Regardless of how they are raised, all young people struggle with adulting at first. There is a huge learning curve when launching out on their own. The following simple tips can help set them up for success:
Create a budget and stick to it. This will help you manage your finances and avoid overspending.2. Make a plan for saving money. Set financial goals for yourself and create a plan for how you will reach them.
3. Get to know your neighbors and make connections in your community. This will help you feel more connected and supported in your new environment.
4. Be responsible and take care of your living space. Clean and maintain your home, and be respectful of your landlord or roommates.
5. Be open to new experiences and try new things. Living on your own is an opportunity to learn and grow as a person.
6. Take care of your physical and mental health. Maintain a healthy lifestyle and seek support if you need it.
7. Learn to cook and meal prep. Eating out or ordering food can get expensive quickly.
8. If possible, find a part-time or full-time job. It will give you independence and help you save money.
9. Communicate with your parents, friends, and family. They can be a valuable source of support and advice.
10. Lastly, remember to enjoy the experience and make good memories.
If you would like to read more tips for adulting in today’s world, Tez is finishing up his book for young adult Christians, Adult-O-Nomics: 500 Truths, Techniques, and Tips for Launching Successfully. Coming soon!
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How Are You Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Heartbreak?
A few days ago, a DJ on the radio said his teen daughter just experienced her first heartbreak over a guy at school who dumped her for another girl. He tells the other radio host, “So we’re giving her some space.”
I wanted to call into the program. There was so much wrong with this situation—where to start? I was shocked that this dad’s response was so casual and nonchalant. There were a million questions I wanted to ask this dad:
“Did you make an effort to meet this boy?”“Did you talk with her about getting your blessing before letting a guy capture her young heart?”“What are the ways you attempted to protect her heart from becoming defrauded like this?”“Since a lot can be learned from his family life, were efforts made to meet the boy’s parents?”“Have you considered protecting your daughter from casual romances until she’s ready for marriage?”As homeschoolers, we don’t have to worry about my daughters spending six hours a day at school with a boy. They knew any boy with romantic interests must first spend time with us as a family and ask my permission before trying to win my daughter’s affection. This allows us to interact with the boy and get to know him. Building a relationship with the boy helps us ask important questions during casual conversations, questions our daughters may be too naive to ask. Knowing the boy and his parents over several months helps us trust him enough to be alone with our girl one day.
I was sad for this DJ’s daughter, wondering what this boy was trying to accomplish. Did he have any business wooing someone’s daughter if he couldn’t yet afford to love her unconditionally, marry her, and support her? Was it ok for him to merely enjoy the fun of romancing a girl with no need to be a man? Because fun without responsibility doesn’t make responsibility very appealing, does it? A boy that age can’t even follow through on any promises he might have made to love this girl. But isn’t this what we teach our boys; to practice for marriage for several years, using girls and leaving a trail of broken and defrauded hearts until they want to settle down?
I’ve never been one to embrace societal norms without questioning the why. Some of my house rules are unusual, so I don’t share them unless people ask. Besides, I have no idea if my plans to protect my girls will work in the end. I’ve seen a lot of kids rebel as young adults. So, I don’t want to come across like I have the perfect plan, then eat crow later. But at least we’ve diligently protected our kids during their most vulnerable years. How they respond to that foundation as adults is their choice.
I know my daughters may not embrace my convictions about dating. Some of my older kids haven’t, and it has caused them much heartache. They have ignored my advice, stepped out from under my protective care, and had relationships independent of my involvement. It didn’t go well. But it may not have gone well anyway, even f they followed my advice.
So, let’s hear from other dads out there. How do you protect your daughter’s heart? Which camp do you find yourself more comfortable in societal norms, counter-cultural ideas, or somewhere in between?
January 4, 2023
50 Authors You Should Know (including Tez?)
I’m humbled and honored to be mentioned as one of the authors in this article from Christianity.com
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January 2, 2023
New Pressure For A New Year
So what’s it gonna be? What new leaf are you planning to turn over?
Mine is a manuscript. I want to finish my 4th book (working title…”Pre-Launching: How to Prepare Your Teen for Successful Adulting”)
My agent is anxious to see the first few chapters and that has me both excited and nervous. Afraid of failure or rejection.
What if this book isn’t good enough? What if my agent can’t find an interested publishing house when he tries to pitch the idea? 
It’s enough to make me give up. After all, I’m not a great parent. I fail all the time. What do I possibly have to offer? Add in another dozen or so self-defeating comments and I’m ready to call it a day.
Ever feel like that? Especially when it comes to New Year’s resolutions?
Our resolutions for parenting are the worst. I’m gonna be more understanding. I’m gonna yell less. I’m gonna be more involved at their school. Cook healthier dinners. Start a family Bible study. The list goes on.
It’s funny. I have no problem accepting grace from God when I need it (which is pretty often). But I can’t seem to give it to myself. Why is that?
I think it comes from a belief that people are bigger than they are. That somehow, what they think of me is so important that I forget to care what God thinks of me. In essence, people are big and God is small.
Yikes! Sorry, God.
In reality, if we are his children, He thinks you and I are pretty awesome. He views us through rose-colored glasses.
Does this mean we should stop trying to improve ourselves? Of course not, especially when it comes to walking closer to God.
But accepting who we are and how God made us is important. God created you to be the perfect parent for your child(ren). He paired you up with your kids because you’d be perfect together as a family. Sure we’re gonna fail as parents from time to time. Sure we could use a few New Year’s resolutions when it comes to parenting.
But I’m learning not to base my proposed improvements on what I think society wants me to be. Rather, I want to be all that God created me to be and desires of me. Flaws and all. 
There’s a lot of new pressure for a new year. But Philippians 3:12 reminds me, “I don’t mean to say I’m perfect. I haven’t learned all I should even yet. But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be. ” (Living Bible)
How about you? What areas do you struggle with when it comes to other’s opinions of you as a parent? How do you navigate through that? Share with us in the comments.
November 26, 2022
November 11, 2022
Why Every Author Needs To Make Encouraging Writing Friends
Have you ever been discouraged as an indie author? I need encouragement and have often struggled with finding the right friends. Over the years, I have learned that having writing friends who are encouraging are paramount to an author’s success.
Read more of my article featured at Christian Indy Publishing Association (CIPA).
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I Dare Ya!
Listen to Tez’s latest 90-second challenge!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/110kS19mLJB0t_ELsO4wRmUE8GSVUKqGT/view?usp=sharing
October 20, 2022
Florida Christian Writer’s Conference
I’m serving as faculty this week at a conference in Leesburg, FL. So fun spending time with all my writing peeps from my 35 years in central Florida.
One of the highlights was sitting in a continuing class with my editor and longtime friend, Leslie Santamaria who taught us how to write for children. Yes, this is a new genre for me that I am exploring.
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