Tez Brooks's Blog: TezBrooks.com, page 4

Should Christian Singles Live With The Opposite Sex?

So, you’re a single Christian and you’ve found a wonderful boyfriend or girlfriend you want to be with every day.

For the religiously devout, the answer to the question of whether to engage in premarital cohabitation is a simple ��no.��

Anyone who knows their Bible understands what scripture says about avoiding temptation. It’s out of the question.

You may be thinking, “It seems crazy that we’re spending so much money on two separate places when we could cut our expenses in half by being roommates. Whats the harm? We’re just trying to save money–it’s not like we are sleeping together, er, much.

Living together prior to marriage has increased 30% in just the last decade. That’s no surprise to any of us, unless we’ve been living in an underground bunker.
I’m increasingly troubled, not by the fact that non-believers are living together. That’s to be expected. It’s the Christian singles that trouble me, when I hear they are openly sharing apartments and sleeping together before holy matrimony. Of course, whether you want to admit it or not, living together before marriage naturally assumes that a couple is sleeping together and having sex before marriage �� which is sin, according to God’s Word. You might start out thinking it won’t turn sexual. After all, you have two different bedrooms. And maybe you’re strong and can keep yourself from falling into sin. But you’re still “playing house” experiencing non-sexual intimacy by living side-by-side, cooking and eating together, cuddling up together in your PJs to watch television, discovering what gives each other gas and all your other bathroom habits. You’re living like a married couple (with or without the benefits). But I don’t even want to get into the issue of how foolish it is for Christian singles of the opposite sex to share living spaces. I’ll tackle that another time. The point I want to make today is how damaging it is to shack up before marriage, regardless of whether or not you’re sleeping together and regardless of whether you’re a Christian or not. Let’s take those equations out of it and see how it’s still a foolish idea. The following findings reveal how living together before marriage negatively affects the relationship of anyone who tries it, abstinent or otherwise. THE CONSEQUENCES OF LIVING TOGETHER PRIOR TO MARRIAGE Studies show that cohabitation prior to marriage is linked to lower marital happiness, stability and a 33% higher chance of divorce. If you’re one of the many divorced fathers who visit this site, that means the chance of your next marriage ending in divorce is already pretty high, even if you commit to living apart before marriage and staying abstinent. Furthermore, couples who have lived together before getting married have more fights, lower commitment, lower relationship quality, and are twice as likely to consider divorce. An even more significant factor is that they may have ��settled�� for each other �� having slid into marriage rather than making a more deliberate decision to get hitched. What does that mean? Moving from dating to sleeping over and from sleeping over to living together can be a gradual slope–one not marked by rings, ceremonies or even a meaningful discussion about it. It just kind of happens. This lack of weighing pros and cons comes from viewing living together as a fairly low-risk proposition. “If things don��t work out, we��ll just break up and move out.” Easy enough. Sadly, without the commitment and investment in a ring, a marriage license, and a ceremony, it’s pretty easy to slide out of that relationship. Those intentional decisions serve as a way to lock you in, therefore decreasing the likelihood to search for other options. Just like a down payment on a car, the greater the setup costs, the less likely we are to move to another situation when needed.

While moving in together might seem fun and economical, there are still investments. The setup costs are subtly woven in and often not easily recognized. You happily split the rent on a nice apartment, share the cable bill and pets, and enjoy shopping for furniture together. All of these have an effect on how likely we are to leave. Inertia sets in. The result of prematurely ��locking in�� causes people to miss out on opportunities to date those with whom they might be a better fit. You could end up saying, “I spent years living with an idiot who I wouldn��t have dated very long if we hadn’t been living together.” Worse yet, couples who otherwise would not have tied the knot end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation. Whether a man and his lady friend are devout Christians saving themselves for marriage or they couldn’t care less about abstinence, founding a relationship on convenience and ambiguity can interfere with the process of finding the person God really wants them to have.

You’ve heard this before: When men already have a woman cooking for them or fulfilling other emotional (if not physical) needs, why would they consider someone else? The drive to look elsewhere is diminished. “I guess I’ll marry this one, we’re already sharing everything else, might as well make it official.”

Gosh, that’s a real romantic motive isn’t it? I’ll bet she’ll run to the altar when she hears that.

BOTTOM LINE: May we be people of integrity and honor. Not only abstaining from sex until marriage, but also refusing to compromise our testimony and reputation. Refuse to move in with anyone from the opposite sex until you can do so with your wife. What do you think? Agree? Disagree? What scriptures come to mind that support your answer?

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 29, 2023 01:00

Do Yoga and Christianity Mix?

Should Christianity mix with yoga? Are yoga poses benign if we do them but don’t engage in the spiritual practice behind them? This is the question author and podcaster Heidi St. John asks her guest, Jessica Smith, who taught yoga for many years. Jessica has a unique perspective and a solid biblical stance on this modern controversy. Yoga is one of the six orthodox schools of Hindu philosophical traditions, yet many Christians today practice yoga with the belief that its deep ties to Hinduism and Buddhism can be avoided. Jessica challenges and opens our eyes to the truth about this topic. Listen in. I pray your heart is blessed and encouraged as you strive to know God in a deeper way and bring Him honor in everything you do. Grab your cup of coffee and��listen in, I know you’ll be encouraged!

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 25, 2023 13:47

Is God Calling Us To Marry?

In this article I wrote for Focus on the Family, I present 100 questions to ask your potential spouse. It’s a pretty long article, meant to be tackled in sections, so hunker down with a cup of coffee and enjoy. Are you ready?

Check it out here

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on September 14, 2023 13:03

Being Passionate About Sharing Your Faith

Tez shares on ChristianMix 106 about his passion for sharing the gospel with others as a full-time missionary and how you can learn to be bold by listening to his weekly radio spot.

PURSUE YOUR PASSION: TEZ BROOKS

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on July 04, 2023 12:01

SINGLE PARENTING: Making Assumptions On Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is upon us. If you’re a single parent, are you making assumptions about spending time with your kid? Have you discussed it with your ex and your child?During the first few years following our divorce, my ex-wife and I were awarded joint custody. We lived close by so everything worked out well.But later, when we lived three states away from each other, my ex and I both had to compromise when it came to holidays. We could no longer drive the kids to one another’s home mid-day on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Sharing was hard, especially when minor holidays (i.e. Memorial Day, Father’s Day) didn’t merit a road trip.
Whether we live close to our child or not, rotating those special occasions will eventually be an issue. We need to emotionally prepare ourselves by having a plan, asking each other some questions:Should we rotate every other holiday?What special days do I consider unimportant to be with my child? Which are non-negotiable?How does your former spouse feel about this?What’s my child’s expectation?

As Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approach, discussing these with the ex-spouse is key. Now it’s your turn….share your advice for the rest of us. What has worked or not worked for you?

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on May 09, 2023 03:51

How to Avoid Anxiety When Moving Away From Your Parents

Here’s a sneak peek at Tez’s newest book (coming early 2024). It’s a gift book for young adult Christians who are just moving out on their own for the first time.

Welcome to independence! You’re probably about to (or recently have) launched out on your own. Feels good, doesn’t it? Survival guides are useful, so I hope you find this book (filled with 500 tips, techniques, and truths) a treasure of wisdom as you start your new life.

The thing about being an adult is that when you move out from Mom and Dad’s place, it’s suddenly your job to parent yourself. That’s the bummer of this season of your life. You now have to make yourself do the junk you don’t enjoy doing. You can wait and wait until you feel like executing these things—to start “adulting”—but that’s never going to come.

You see, for years your parents or guardians have made you do the things you don’t enjoy doing because you won’t ever do them. Not because you were an irresponsible little kid, and not because you were lazy, but because none of us ever like doing those things. That’s our human nature, whether kids and adults.

But, the sooner we understand that action equals attainment, then the sooner we realize the benefits of not being passive. It’s so easy to get what we want out of life, but we must force ourselves to do it.

I’m not pushing the New Spirituality message of godless self-sufficiency. There is no power that comes from within us. God’s Word is clear that we can do nothing without Christ (John 15:4-5). Total self-reliance is a rejection of and rebellion against God. What I’m talking about is facing the responsibility of adulthood with total dependence on God alone, for everything.

Although responsibility is uncomfortable at first, it helps us become everything God designed us to be. Discipline leads to delight!

But while launching out on your own can be exciting, affirming, and rewarding, even good change is stressful. Becoming an independent adult is hard. Over fifty percent of all young adults move back home in the first five years.[1] Often, this is caused from lack of confidence amidst adversity.

Anxiety is the number one health problem for women and it is number two for men, after alcohol/drug abuse. The stressor that usually causes this is change. Anxiety is sometimes unavoidable. Don’t feel ashamed; even Jesus battled anxiety the night before his crucifixion (Matt. 26:36-44).

Young adult Christians can feel especially guilty about anxiety because of its stigma. Other believers can make you feel like it’s wrong to experience worry. But it’s merely an emotion, not a sin. It is only sinful when it stems from unbelief that God is good and in control.

Being a slave to concern and worry is optional. Philippians 4:4-9 reminds us that our most valuable strategy against fear is to pray, then meditate on and rejoice with grateful hearts over the good things God provides.

Perhaps you’ve found other people cause you undue anxiety. Fretting is contagious, and honestly, helicopter parents don’t help. In the grip of their own anxiety, Mom and Dad may sympathetically offer to cushion you to “set you up for success.” While that’s a sweet motive, it may cause you to second-guess your ability to embrace autonomy. But you know there’s nothing more rewarding than making it on your own.

However, the goal you want to accomplish is independence from your parents yet total dependence on God. Chances are you’ve not had to experience total dependence on God yet because of your partial reliance on your parents to provide things.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying; if your parents are still helping you somehow, that’s not a sign of failure for you. Parents love their kids and often want to give them a “leg up” for a good head start in life, not to control you or be a helicopter parent. Often, it’s because they enjoy loving on you in that way. It will be your goal (not theirs) to work toward eliminating this so you can fully depend on the Lord for everything. There are plenty of other ways your parents can love on you besides providing for you. That is God’s role, and he will do a much better job of it.

Diminishing Anxiety

We all know anxiety levels would diminish if we had more preventive counsel—information obtained before a crisis hits. But Mom and Dad, pastors, professors, employers, and mentors can’t teach you everything. So, within this book is experience and know-how collected from those who have been there, people of all different ages and walks of life.

Much of the entries come from my own experience and observations. I moved out of my parent’s home at 18 years old and moved 1,200 miles away. I didn’t have much help or preparation from Mom and Dad, so I had to learn many survival skills through trial and error. To add to this, my mom died that year so I didn’t have a mother to call and ask questions. This is why I have a heart for young people trying to launch with little to no preparation.

Additionally, my years as a youth pastor gave me the opportunity to see the struggles of young Christians learning to navigate life as an adult. As a dad, I’ve seen my own four kids start life without Mom and me hovering. Sometimes I winced, but most times I was so proud of how my children faced life head-on. I often had to twist their arm to get them to ask for help. Honestly, that frustrated me even though I was impressed with their fortitude to survive without me. It was humbling because a part of me wanted to still feel needed.

I pray this mix of ancient wisdom (adapted from God’s Word) and modern advice (from those who’ve walked the journey) will place you ahead of the curve as you increase in know-how and understanding for effective adulting.

These suggestions for living life are not grouped in any particular order. They are randomly mixed so that you can experience help in various topics that differ each day. Because that’s how life comes at you. With all its problems, lessons, and solutions, life happens, not outlined like a well-planned how-to article, but fast and indiscriminate.

Hopefully, by trusting in God’s goodness, combined with reading this book, you can take your everyday life (sleeping, eating, working, etc.) and feel better equipped. Your Heavenly Father will bring out the best in you, developing you into a well-formed, mature adult who is dependent on him alone. May God bless and keep you and cause his face to shine upon you, and give you peace (Num. 6:24-26).

[1] Ramirez, Danna. “How to Parent Young Adults Who Move Back Home.” Psychology Today. March 12, 2021. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-matters-menninger/202103/how-parent-young-adults-who-move-back-home

Taking college courses in high school means your degree is obtained much sooner. Financially, dual-enrollment is a no-brainer.“Remember that there is an enemy and he’s going to use whatever method he can to try to divide us..” — Steven Curtis Chapman, singer/songwriterNot getting what you want can be a blessing from the Lord.Try something fun. Go into an antique store and ask, “What’s new?”Trying to be one of the guys doesn’t look good on a lady. (See Prov. 11:22)The Lord gives and he takes away. Hold everything with an open hand: your job, money, possessions, and relationships.Guys, making your bed, scrubbing soap scum off the tub, keeping the sink hair-free, these are all signs of a responsible man. Girls love it.Be careful not to call something an “addiction” if it’s actually a besetting sin. This is victim mentality.Open a bank account and learn how to write a check; not everyone accepts debit cards. Guys, be the pursuer when it comes to romantic relationships. If a girl is chasing after you, it’s time to man up.Dress like an adult and people will treat you like one.Save thousands of dollars, floss your teeth.Never allow friends or family to sit in with you during a job interview.Get close to the godly and wise. Watch them, imitate them. (See Prov. 13:20)Sit up straight. Good posture mirrors success.Chew with your mouth closed and talk with it open.Explore a museum. Go to a parade. Watch the sunrise. Jump in a pool fully clothed.That sexy tan you work on each summer turns into skin cancer and scars when you’re forty. Use sunscreen.Fighting a traffic citation is risky. If the cop shows up to court, you will more than likely lose your case and end up paying all court costs.Go to church faithfully. Let nothing distract you from being there each week.According to James 4:4, tight friendship with the world and its values means you are choosing to be God’s enemy.Keeping an open mind all the time, means others can easily throw trash into it.Where does your mind go when you’re idle? Whatever you are passionate about is what you’ll always talk or think about. How often do you talk about God?Never argue with a police officer. They risk their lives to keep you safe; respect them, be polite, and comply. You can file a complaint later, it necessary.Sex outside of marriage includes much more than intercourse. Living close to the edge is a compromise in the name of technicalities. God commands us to save our bodies for our spouse alone.Plan your future. Never let the river of life carry you wherever it goes. You’ll drown in the waters of disappointment.Ask your parents about their jobs, hobbies, and spiritual lives. You may think you know all about them; you don’t. Running your TV or radio all night does not help you sleep. The voices, music, and commercials pull you out of deep, restorative REM cycles, leaving you exhausted when you wake. Use a sound machine or white noise.Overconfidence comes as a result of insecurities; it’s a mask to hide fears.Ask God for wisdom. Some decisions made now will impact the rest of your life.“When you and the Bible disagree, who wins?” — Michael Petillo, pastor[2]If you’re living in your parents’ house, what’s your plan? You need one, whether or not your parents care.Know that you might actually have better conversations with your parents when you move and don’t see each other every day.Never relabel gossip as a prayer request.If your mom and dad are helicopter parents, teach them not to hover by showing them you and God can handle anything together.Mom or Dad should never talk to your professor or boss for you. You are an adult—handle your own business.A healthy respect for God is the beginning of wise knowledge; but fools despise advice. (See Prov. 1:7) Join a small group at your church. There’s only so much fellowship that can happen for fifteen minutes in a church lobby.“Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” — Billy Graham[3]The best thing you can do for yourself is to serve others.Guard your mind against the temptations of premature trustworthiness. The world convinces young adults they can responsibly drink alcohol, use credit cards, vote, sign contracts, and join the military. Know your maturity level; operate within it.Be grateful and rejoice in all things. (See Phil. 4:4)A fresh coat of paint is cheaper than redecorating. But don’t paint the trim after drinking Red Bull®.Get the electricity and water in your new place turned on the day before you move in.Lift up and clean the bottom side of the toilet seat weekly. Enough said.If your circuits keep blowing out, hairdryers and Christmas lights are two of the worst culprits.Never confuse abuse with love. This can be difficult if you’ve already been abused by a loved one.Understand the whole world could end up seeing that seductive selfie you texted—even Grandma and your pastor.Scripture says never let yourself get drunk. Learn your limit; stop before the buzz starts.Girls, be firm and clear with a guy when you need him to leave you alone. Beating around the bush makes them think there’s still hope.

We hope you enjoyed this sampling from the first pages of the book. To get updates on the progress please sign up for Tez’s quarterly emails if you haven’t already.

[1] Steven Curtis Chapman. “Steven Curtis Chapman Reveals God’s Message to Him During Pandemic; Teams Up with Brad Paisley” The Christian Post. May 14, 2020

https://www.christianpost.com/news/st...

[2] Michael Petillo. “Sex and Stewardship” Springs Church, Colorado Springs. Jan 22, 2023. https://vimeo.com/showcase/7510619/video/792281663.

[3] Debbie McDaniel. “40 Courageous Quotes from Billy Graham.” Crosswalk.com. July 2, 2015.

Https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiri....

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on March 24, 2023 16:39

Kerysso Press Announces “Debriefing” as Finalist for 2023 Ames Awards

After receiving many outstanding titles, the judges have named their choices for the finalists in each category of this year’s Ames Awards. The entries were scored according to industry standards, with added emphasis on their inclusion of courageous faith.

Kerysso Press is excited that “Debriefing” by Tez Brooks has been stated as a finalist in the non-fiction category. Winners will be announced on April 1st.

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on March 20, 2023 16:31

Does God Still Give New Identities to His Children?

If you’ve asked yourself if God still gives new identities to his children as he did in the Bible, the following name-change story might help you decide.

Over the years, when I introduce myself, people have asked me what my name, “Tez” means. My response can be anywhere from “It’s a nickname” to a more in-depth redemptive explanation if I’m feeling especially transparent and the person feels safe to me. But today I’m putting it out there on the web for everyone–regardless of the response.

I was born Terry Dean Brooks—not Terrence, just Terry. After three male children, Mom and Dad wanted a girl so badly that they decided to call the next child Terry, regardless of gender. I’m fairly certain one should never tell this to their young boy, but Mom didn’t mean any harm. Had she known how it would affect me, she would never have said it. Nevertheless, it was the beginning of some powerful issues I had to deal with.

Unathletic and a bit husky, I was drawn to creativity and the arts and was a bit of a momma’s boy. During my elementary years, I was often bullied and called cruel terms like “Terry the fairy” or “Teresa.” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I learned to hate my name.

I often found refuge on the weekends when I attended church with my guy friends who accepted me and made me feel safe. Unfortunately, even church was not safe. A man there noticed my sensitive demeanor and took advantage of my need for male attention. This pedophile started grooming me at age seven (as well as several of my church friends) with kindness, gentle touches, gifts, and boundary testing. He eventually molested me as a young teen. None of us church kids told each other—we were too ashamed. I blamed myself and buried the memory deep into my subconscious until all I recalled was a vague memory of something terrible that I must have caused.

Puberty found me confused and wondering why my very normal admiration of men had suddenly turned sexual. It’s important to understand the close connection between the physical and psychological that occur during adolescence. A lot of wires get crossed in a young boy’s brain if he’s been molested while hormones are flooding his brain and body as they do during puberty. The dopamine and oxytocin released during a sexual encounter create deep pathways (sometimes referred to as ruts) that teach the brain to bond with whoever (or whatever) is causing that pleasure. The rut is deepened and complicated if this happens during a season of intense hormone production like puberty. This is also how fetishes are formed. Something early on teaches a person’s brain that it needs a certain object or image to connect satisfactorily. To overcome this, a new trail must be intentionally made in order to become unstuck and escape the rut.

The results are life-altering. I struggled for decades, wondering why I was attracted to both women and men—silently walking out my salvation feeling guilty, as if God regretted I was his child.

Thankfully, God kept a short leash on me, and I never strayed far from his side. Life moved forward; I went into full-time ministry, married, and became a father of two. Those unnatural feelings I once had slowly faded, so I chalked it up to “youthful curiosity.” But when my marriage failed after ten years, a different kind of shame enveloped me; the shame of losing my wife to another man. Was I not masculine enough–not desirable to women? My self-esteem received a hit that took years to overcome. I left ministry; I couldn’t do it!

Eventually, I remarried after meeting a wonderful, godly woman, and we had two more children. Now back in ministry, as missionaries, my family and I were assigned to Australia for a few years. That was where God did something miraculous for my personal healing. Something lasting.

A few months into our assignment, I re-connected online with one of my childhood friends from church. He opened up about his abuse by the same man. I was both numb and enraged.

The conversation turned dark as we shared details and how it affected our lives growing up. As I hung up, a light turned on in my head. I suddenly realized it wasn’t my fault. Although my wife already knew my past, I shared this new discovery with her–that I hadn’t somehow tempted this guy to do it—he manipulated me.

As we talked, my wife said self-blame was typical for survivors who can’t deal with the loss of control over the situation. After reasoning together for a while, we prayed, my head buried in her shoulder, weeping, healing.

We decided I should get some Christian counseling so I could work through these memories and gain a healthier understanding of how it affected my relationship with men, women, my parents, my brothers, and God. The months of counsel and homework in Australia were hard but good for my healing and maturity. I understood how Christ’s work on the cross had removed the disgrace I’d carried for decades. He took my shame upon himself, exchanging it by imputing his own honor and dignity into me.

During one of my prayer times with the Lord, I distinctly recall a sense that God was giving me a new identity, and with that, a new name. Of course, I assumed that meant some biblical name that meant something profound—like Abram (Abraham) or Saul (Paul). And I assumed it would be private, between God and me.

Nope.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, Australians love to assign nicknames. One playful method is to take a name ending in “ry” and change it to “ez.” Mary becomes Mez and Jerry is changed to Jez.

They called me Tez.

It made me smile. It wasn’t the nickname itself. Although the name didn’t have all the baggage as my birth name. But there was more—something restorative about how my male friends pronounced this new label.

When I entered a room, their deep, Australian, masculine bravados would call it out as if tagging me as part of their manly-man club. As if announcing to the world that their long-lost favorite television personality had walked on stage.

“Tez!” they would shout. Sometimes in unison, sometimes consecutively, as I passed by each of their offices. It was so redemptive. I felt loved. I felt accepted. I felt renewed.

Meanwhile, more of my writing was being published. Magazine editors asked if I would use a pen name since Terry Brooks was a famous fantasy fiction author. It wasn’t prudent for me to use the same name, so I agreed to the pseudonym “Tez Brooks.”

Before long, even my wife started calling me Tez, and it stuck. I felt too old for a name change, but by the time we returned to the United States; it was who I was. Only then did it occur to me God had indeed given me a gift in this new title. He’d transformed my heart, healing me from deep wounds. I arrived home, a new man.

Please understand this story is not about me pointing fingers by calling myself a victim to avoid confronting my own fallen condition. And I’m in no way saying that my redemption came from simply a new name or even counseling. This is about Christ’s power to deliver all of us if we believe and receive him–be it a child molester or a young man dealing with same-sex attraction.

Whether we are rejecting God and living for ourselves or passionately following Christ, we all desperately need a Savior every day of our lives. Jesus came to trade our rebellion for forgiveness, our shame for honor, our suffering for healing–so that you and I can have life more abundantly (John 10:10).

Let me clarify something with a verse, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect, I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be” (Philippians 3:12, TLB).

Very few people know my birth name now. Except for my medical records, most everything (my mail, my bank, even my signature) changed to Tez. The old name, carrying memories of hurt and shame, has passed away.

Some of my relatives or long-time friends can’t find it in themselves to call me Tez. That’s ok; old habits are hard to break, so I give them grace. Although they know about my past, perhaps they don’t understand the liberating nature of this name change. I’m grateful to those who do refer to me as Tez after calling me Terry for decades. Because each time they say Tez, it reminds me of God’s grace. It builds me up, making those people who’ve adopted my new label as part of my redemption.

I understand how Simon might have felt when Jesus said, “I’m going to tell you who you really are. You are Peter, a rock.” (Matthew 16:18, MSG). Tez is more than a simple nickname—it’s my new identity in Christ. God really does give his children new identities and, sometimes, a new name!

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 20, 2023 14:01

Should Those Who Love Me, Use My Nickname?

Over the years, people have asked me what “Tez” means. My response can be anywhere from “It’s a nickname” to a more in-depth redemptive explanation if I’m feeling especially transparent and the person feels safe to me. But now I’m putting it out there for everyone–regardless the response.

I was born Terry Dean Brooks—not Terrence, just Terry. After four male children, Mom and Dad wanted a girl so badly that they decided to call the next child Terry, regardless of gender. I’m fairly certain one should never tell this to their young boy, but Mom didn’t mean any harm. Had she known how it would affect me, she would never have said it. Nevertheless, it was the beginning of some powerful issues I had to deal with.

Unathletic and bit husky, I was drawn to creativity and the arts and was a bit of a momma’s boy. During my elementary years, I was often bullied and called cruel terms like “Terry the fairy.” I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew it was feminine, and since I was a boy, it had to be bad.

I often found refuge on the weekends when I attended church with my guy friends who accepted me and made me feel safe. Eventually, even church was not safe. A man there noticed my sensitive demeanor and took advantage of my need for male attention. This pedophile started grooming me at age seven (as well as several of my church friends) with kindness, gentle touches, gifts, and finally, boundary testing. He eventually molested me as a young teen. None of us kids told each other—we were too ashamed. I blamed myself and buried the memory deep into my subconscious until all I recalled was a vague memory of something terrible I must have caused.

Puberty found me confused and wondering why my normal admiration of men had suddenly turned sexual. It’s important to understand the close connection between the physical and psychological that occur during adolescence. A lot of wires get crossed in a young boy’s brain when he’s been molested. When hormones flood his brain and body at the same the results are life-altering. I struggled for decades, wondering why I was attracted to both women and men—silently walking out my salvation feeling guilty and as if God regretted I was his child.

Thankfully, God kept a short leash on me and I never strayed far from his side. Life moved forward, I married and became a father. Those unnatural feelings slowly faded so I chalked it up to “youthful experimentation.” But when my marriage failed after ten years, a different kind of shame enveloped me; the shame of losing my wife to another man. Was I not masculine enough–not desirable? My self-esteem received a hit that took years to overcome.

I eventually remarried and had more children. As missionaries, my family and I were assigned to Australia for a few years. That was where God did something miraculous for my personal healing. Something lasting.

A few months into our assignment, I re-connected online with one of my childhood friends from church. He opened up about his abuse by the same man. I was both numb and enraged.

The conversation turned dark as we shared details and how it affected our lives growing up. As I hung up, a light turned on in my head. I suddenly realized it wasn’t my fault. Although my wife already knew my past, I shared this new discovery with her–that I hadn’t somehow tempted this guy to do it—he forced me.

As we talked, my wife said self-blame was typical for survivors who can’t deal with the loss of control over the situation. After reasoning together for a while, we prayed, my head buried in her shoulder, weeping, healing.

We decided I should get some Christian counseling so I could work through these memories and gain a healthier understanding of how it affected my relationship with men, women, my parents, my brothers, and God. The months of counsel and homework in Australia were hard but good for my healing and maturity. I understood how Christ’s work on the cross had removed the disgrace I’d carried for decades. He took my shame upon himself, exchanging it by imputing his own honor and dignity into me.

During one of my prayer times with the Lord, I distinctly recall a sense that God was giving me a new identity, and with that, a new name. Of course, I assumed that meant some biblical name that meant something profound—like Abram (Abraham) or Saul (Paul). And I assumed it would be private, between me and God.

Nope.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. You see, Australians love to assign nicknames. One playful method is to take a name ending in “ry” and change it to “ez.” Mary becomes Mez and Jerry is changed to Jez.

They called me Tez.

It made me smile. It wasn’t the nickname itself. Though the name didn’t have all the baggage of my birth name. There was more—something restorative about how my male friends pronounced this new label.

When I entered a room, their deep, masculine bravados would call it out as if tagging me as part of their manly-man club. As if announcing to the world that their long-lost favorite television personality had walked on stage.

“Tez!” they would shout. Sometimes in unison, sometimes consecutively, as I passed by each of their offices. I felt loved. I felt treasured. I felt renewed.

Meanwhile, more of my writing was being published. Magazine editors asked if I would use a pen name since Terry Brooks was a famous fantasy fiction author. It wasn’t prudent for me to use the same name, so I agreed to the pseudonym “Tez Brooks.”

Before long, even my wife started calling me Tez, and it stuck. I felt too old for a name change, but by the time we returned to the United States, it was who I was. Only then did it occur to me God had indeed given me a gift in this new title. He’d transformed my heart, healing me from deep wounds. I arrived home, a new man.

Please understand, this story is not about me pointing fingers by calling myself a victim to avoid confronting my own fallen condition. And I’m in no way saying that my redemption came from simply a new name or even counseling. This is about Christ’s power to deliver all of us if we believe and receive him–be it a child molester or a young man dealing with same-sex attraction.

Whether we are rejecting God and living for ourselves or passionately following Christ, we all desperately need a Savior, every day of our lives. Jesus came to trade our rebellion for forgiveness, our shame for honor, our suffering for healing–so that you and I can have life more abundantly (John 10:10).

Let me clarify something with a verse, “I don’t mean to say I am perfect, I haven’t learned all I should even yet, but I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be” (Philippians 3:12, TLB).

Very few people now know my given name. Except for my medical records, most everything (my mail, my bank, even my signature) changed to Tez. The old name, carrying memories of hurt and shame, has passed away.

Some of my relatives or long-time friends can’t find it in themselves to call me Tez. That’s ok; old habits are hard to break, so I give them grace. Although they know about my past, perhaps they don’t understand the liberating nature of this name change. I’m grateful to those who do refer to me as Tez after calling me Terry for decades. Because each time they say Tez, it reminds me of God’s grace. It builds me up, making those people who’ve adopted this new label part of my redemption.

I understand how Simon might have felt when Jesus said, “I’m going to tell you who you really are. You are Peter, a rock.” (Matthew 16:18, MSG). More than a simple nickname—it’s my new identity in Christ.

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 20, 2023 14:01

How Should the Church Help Members with LGBTQ Issues?

Meet Shane*, a construction worker and single dad who loves Jesus and is deeply committed to following the Lord. But Shane struggles with feelings for other guys. His church offers a ministry to those like Shane.

Although the group offered him a tight community, he found it alienating and difficult to meet other people at church he might enjoy getting to know, like other single parents or those in the construction business.

“I just want to be looked at as a regular guy,” Shane said. “A Christian, without my old labels.”

I felt sad for Shane. There are a lot of Christian organizations and churches reaching out and ministering to believers who experience homosexual feelings. But are churches offering the wrong support?

The question is answered when we look at the various names we use to identify this group. Some say they want to be identified as a person who struggles with attraction to the same gender. Others call themselves gay Christians. Still, others feel like 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 is clear regarding our identity. So which is the proper terminology? Let’s explore each of these titles a little closer. Only then can we help guys like Shane.

LABELS
To be honest, the term gay Christian is an oxymoron to many Christians, because the word gay carries with it a stigma. Among the evangelical community, it implies a certain lifestyle that is contrary to a Christian’s life.

To most Bible-believing Christ-followers, gay means you are actively in a homosexual lifestyle or open to it. It assumes you are not attempting to pursue a holy life of abstinence. This is how most Christians interpret gay, as a verb.

With this definition in mind, we can see how the phrase gay Christian, upsets believers because it’s like saying, “I’m a Christian bank robber.” It just doesn’t make sense and feels downright blasphemous for someone to claim they are a follower of Christ, yet blatantly refuse to obey his Word. It brings reproach upon themselves, the church, and the name of Christ.

If you call yourself a gay Christian, I know this can be a painful revelation. Especially if you are refraining from sin but don’t know what else to call yourself. It’s not that believers are assuming the worst of you; it’s that choosing to call yourself “gay Christian” is misleading and carries a scandalous definition. If you are dedicated to God’s precepts, you must forsake this mislabeling.

Another phrase, same-sex attraction (SSA), seems to be more acceptable to Christians. It promotes empathy in their hearts. Christians understand this label and more readily embrace it because it doesn’t imply that sin is happening; it merely implies a temptation. We all struggle with temptation. This label implies no active sinfulness—only a cry for help. But still, is this the right label?

THE BIBLICAL LABEL
I would plead both labels are incorrect for these Christians trying to live holy lives. We miss the mark when we begin to bring attention to or make this particular sin special. When we form customized affinity groups for those struggling with attraction toward the same gender, we place the focus (and sympathy) on the sin, making it bigger, or greater than other sins.

Are we to make an identity out of a temptation pattern? No, that is divisive and leads us away from Christ, our hope. This is why we don’t see Christians wearing name tags that say, “Ex-Fibber” or “Former Shop-Lifter.” We should be treating LGBTQ tendencies like any other sin of which we’ve been forgiven. After all, does God categorize sins as lesser or greater?

By diminishing any sin’s importance, we correctly place the focus on mortifying. I’m not talking about humiliating yourself. Mortification has two definitions. I’m referring to the second (i.e. pursuing holiness by intentionally and strategically killing fleshly desires through the discipline of self-denial). We must ruthlessly starve our old nature until it’s dead! Rather than identification, we must choose mortification—the more biblical solution to any sin.

I do think it’s wise to acknowledge certain issues hold more difficult challenges (i.e. money mismanagement, eating disorders, alcoholism, porn addiction, homosexuality, pedophilia) and necessitate understanding and empathy. However, when it begins to separate and elevate certain individuals over other sins, I think we fail our dear comrades like Shane. We must help our brothers and sisters begin identifying as a new creation and embrace the biblical label of “New Creation.”

We must re-direct these precious brothers and sisters away from identifying to mortifying. Then we place the emphasis on the work of Christ and his blood, instead of on their sins. Born-again children of God have a new identity. We are new creatures! We need not continue to call ourselves by our old labels. This only defeats and beats us down so that we can not rise above it to be what Christ has already made us—victorious over sin and death.

MY STORY
Lest you shake a finger and say, “The identity that comes with same-sex attraction runs deep in the psyche of those who own it. You can’t possibly know what it’s like! It can’t be easily thrown off or minimized.”

You’re right; any sexual sin is hard to overcome. But I’m speaking from experience. Ever since as a young teen by a man in our church, I myself have struggled with sexual attraction toward both women and men at times. That’s right; I just outed myself. It’s not the first time–I’ve shared my testimony several times over the decades. But I don’t go around calling myself someone with SSA.

By God’s grace, he kept a very short leash on me. I never turned from him or the church. Over the decades, I realized God probably was never going to remove those feelings completely, but he graciously continued to give me an attraction for women. I see his redemptive power in my life every day when I look at my lovely wife, four amazing children, and a thriving ministry.

I’m not worthy, and his pardon overwhelms me with gratitude.

My favorite verse, Philippians 3:12, says it best, “I don’t mean to say I’m perfect, I haven’t learned all I should even yet. But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for and wants me to be” (Living Bible).

I stand as a testimony of God’s grace because I know I have lots of issues. I struggle with pride, arrogance, fear of failure, anger, temptation to look at porn, to lie, to steal, to stare too long at a woman… or a man. I watch too much TV and eat too many donuts. Sometimes I neglect my wife or yell at my kids. I forget to pray or read his Word and don’t love others like Christ…the list goes on.

Still, I refuse to write these sins on my forehead and make sure everyone understands this is who I am. It never occurs to me to introduce myself as a bisexual Christian any more than I’d call myself a pizza-monger.

God’s word makes it clear I’m to embrace the new man inside. I can’t constantly identify by creating a public spotlight for each of those issues and hanging out with others of similar pigeon-holes, just because I feel they “get me” more than other Christians.

I must abase my flesh and die to self. Because my propensity to sin is not who I am. I’m so much more than my battles—I’m a husband, a daddy, a missionary, an author, a hiker, and more. Primarily, I am no longer a slave to sin, but a child of God. That is my utmost identity (Romans 6: 6 and 11).

LET US THROW IT OFF
Homosexuality is not a behavior to be modified. It’s a sin to be mortified. Labels only reinforce the old man and make him harder to resist. How long can a person who calls himself a gay Christian continue to deny that temptation? When will they, because of that label, finally act out on it? How long can someone say they have SSA without it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Those identifying as Christians who are gay, SSA, gender dysphoric, or anything on the LGBTQ+ spectrum need loving, gentle guidance to help kill the flesh. Believers immersed and grounded in God’s word can help them live life more abundantly. Every Christ-follower (you, me, and Shane) must learn to sever our hearts and minds from Satan’s labels and embrace our new identity as “cherished of God,” “highly favored,” “saint,” “lover of righteousness,” “holy one,” “child of the light.”

Ephesians 4:22-24 reminds us what we were taught with regard to our former way of life—to put off our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, and be made new in our minds. To put on the new nature that was created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Only when we strip away the old man and pursue who God has called us to be, will we experience true freedom from sin.

*Name changed for privacy

[image error][image error][image error][image error][image error][image error]

View more on Tez Brooks's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on February 08, 2023 21:38