Amy Neftzger's Blog, page 7

Generating Ideas for Stripper Names

I’m not sure what this says about our culture, but I’ve noticed that a number of popular kids’ foods would make great stripper names. So if you’re writing a book and need a good name for a character who works as a stripper or porn star, I suggest you take a look at some of these. It can at least help generate some ideas.

Ginger Kitty

Pop Tart (works better for a man, but you could also feminize the name to “Poppi Tart”)

Hostess Twinkie

Hostess Cupcake

Hostess Ho Hos

Pretty much anything Hostess makes ...

Glo Balls (I really hope  never have to witness this performance)

Tootsie Pop

The Jolly Rancher

Sugar Daddy and Slo Poke

Teddy Graham (possibly an elderly lingerie model?)

This is just the beginning. There are a lot more out there — and notice that most of these are snack foods or sweets. So, perhaps if you think about this long enough it will help you with that diet you’ve been planning ...

Advice From a Gargoyle: Choosing a College

I took my daughter to a college fair last night. Newton, my gargoyle and BFF, was busy and couldn’t join us (he’s very active socially, if you haven’t noticed), so he sent me a list of questions to ask to help us in choosing the right college.

Here’s Newton’s list in case any of you need help in knowing what questions to ask potential colleges:

1. How many Gothic structures do you have on campus?

2. What is your tallest building? Height (in meters)?

3. What sort of perching arrangements are provided on your tall buildings? Is there high demand for the more desirable perches?

4. Does you cafeteria offer free beer to gargoyles?

5. What is the prevalence of evil on campus? Has evil ever taken over or dominated any departments or buildings?

6. Please explain your strategy to protect the campus from harm or unseen evil forces.

7. How many winged mammals are accepted into your graduate and undergraduate programs? Do you have a breakdown by program of study?

8. Are students required to wear clothing to class if they also have either wings or scales?

I hope these have been helpful. Newton wishes all future college students safety from harm at all times during their education. Good luck in choosing a school.

Back Injury Stories

I have a friend who recently hurt his back while picking up a ping pong ball. Granted, a person doesn’t need to be lifting anything heavy to get a back injury - I know the spine is a complicated piece of anatomy and these things can happen at any time. However, I told this friend of mine that he needed a better story. The truth just isn’t going to cut it. After all, if you’ve injured yourself enough to be out of commission for a week or more, a lot of people are going to be asking about what happened.

So here’s a list of potential stories that could be used to make the incident sound more interesting:

“I threw out my back while bending the space time continuum.”

“There was this prostitute who used to be a contortionist ... ”

“I was building a secret library room for my friend Amy and her book collection is really heavy.”

“My parachute didn’t open. Again. I landed on my feet, but the impact did a number on my lower back.”

“I’ve been wrestling gargoyles for extra cash on the weekends. Those things are much stronger than they look.”

“I was really rocking the Chippendale’s auditions until I slipped on all those hundred dollar bills the ladies were throwing.”

“I finally got my budget balanced, but forcing the numbers into the right columns really hurt my back.”

“I’ve been doing some heavy reading and my back finally gave out under the weight of the acquired knowledge.”

This is just a few. Feel free to contribute your own suggestions so that the next time my friend hurts his back doing something simple, at least he'll have a lot of good stories to choose from.

The Poetry of Silence

I was recently in a reflective mood and thought about silence. In his magnum opus, David Foster Wallace indicated pauses in conversation by using an ellipse encapsulated in quotes. This signified silence from one of the speaking parties while the other was waiting for a response. In my reflective moment, I thought I’d invoke this technique in poetic form. Here are the results.



a conversation about nothing

" … "
" … "
" … "

" … "
" … "
" … "




a silent argument

                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "



                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "
                       " ... "
                                                                                                            " ... "


understanding

         " ... "
                                                                                                                          " ... "
                           " ... "                      
                                                                                                           " ... "
                                              " ... "
                                                                                                     
                                                                                          " ... "
“ ... ”
“ ... ”

A Girl and Her Gargoyle - At The Movies

Newton and I went to see a film together. The movie was about a museum guard and his friend, so it seemed appropriate (gargoyles being natural guardians).



 Good news!  Gargoyles get in free! So we had extra money for concessions. Here's Newton choosing his beer:

Gargoyles also love popcorn. Luckily I got a large so there was enough for both of us.


 After the film Newton wanted a closer look at the dragon across the street. I think he may be in love.


Newton's Movie Review:
If you're looking for an action film that keeps your talons gripping your seat, this is not the film for you. Watching this film is like looking at a painting with intricate details and where the primary subject isn't always determined by the title of the piece. That was the director's point. While one of the main characters is a guardian, his claws were far too neatly manicured for him to be able to protect much. However, there were some great shots of the art in the museum and nice cinematography.

A Girl and Her Gargoyle ... At The Pancake Pantry

My new gargoyle arrived. I named him Newton. He was going to live in my courtyard outside my back door, but as soon as I unpacked him from the box I discovered that he was really an "inside" gargoyle. Not surprising, since gargoyles tend to take on the characteristics of their owners.

First of all, I followed the example of Andy in Toy Story and wrote my name on the bottom of Newton's feet:



And then guess what!  I discovered that Newton likes pancakes! So I took him to the Pancake Pantry for lunch. Here we are outside standing in line to get in:



There were a lot of choices on the menu. Newton wanted to try them all.


Good news - the Pancake Pantry does not discriminate against gargoyles and brought Newton his own glass of refreshing ice water. It's important for stone beings to stay hydrated, too.



Newton loved the bacon. It was extra crispy. He ate the whole plate by himself.

The Pancake Pantry was a hit with Newton. He gives it "two talons up" and recommends it to gargoyles who happen to be flying through town.

You're Next - Movie Review

Note: There are spoilers in this review.

I’m not a fan of horror movies, but Mr. Amy happens to love them. He’s seen just about every horror film ever made anywhere in the world. He loves scary things. That’s why he married me. So when I was offered a chance to preview the horror film “You’re Next” (which opens August 23), I decided to take Mr. Amy on a date to see it. Mr. Amy was skeptical, of course, as he has pretty much seen it all in this genre. I, on the other hand, wasn’t sure I would be able to sleep for the next week. However, we were both pleasantly surprised by this film.

The movie is about a home invasion and has been billed as the next generation in horror films. The trailer makes it look creepy. However, it’s not a new way to terrorize horror fans - it’s a new way to entertain them and fans of movies like Evil Dead will probably really enjoy this film.

The movie started out in the predictable horror formula, but very soon I was engaged with dialog so calculatingly bad that there was no way it was an accident. These writers knew the rules of screen dialog and broke them with gusto. The results were hilarious and I have not laughed that hard in a movie in a long time.  For example, when no one can get cell phone service one of the family members states, “He’s probably using a cell phone blocker. They’re illegal, but you can get one on the internet for about $30.” Another of my favorite conversations is early in the film when the family members are at dinner talking about how they only watch TV for the commercials and they think that documentary style commercials are a good idea.

If you can stomach the bloody scenes, this movie is an excellent study in what not to do when writing dialog. Yes, this is a gory film and there’s plenty of fake blood splattered. However, there are several creative kills that were so ridiculous that I laughed and cringed at the same time. Between the entertaining dialog and the creative take on an old genre, this movie was worth seeing.

Urban Life for Dogs

I haven’t been posting as much lately because I’ve been in the process of moving (and then there was that whole book release thing, too). Despite the chaos, we’ve survived. The biggest change was moving from a suburban area to a more urban one. To provide a unique perspective on this change, I’m allowing my dog to make a guest post here concerning what every dog needs to know before moving into the city. Here's her list of recommendations for dogs moving to city life:


1. Dogs in the city bark with an accent that sounds a little rough, but you get used to it quickly. They’re all really friendly and like to play.

2. City squirrels are more evil than suburban squirrels. They will taunt you by prancing along the power lines and running up and down fences. They all must die.

3. Urban life means that there are more people living closer together and that also means that you will meet a lot more dogs. That’s a lot of butts to sniff, so get your lungs into shape before you move.

4. We have sidewalks here. These are tiny cement roads for pedestrians. Pretty cool.

5. There are things here called “alleys” which have the best buffets. Trash cans line both sides and occasionally there’s road kill or rotting garbage just out in the open there. It’s heaven.

6. There are so many smells here that it’s exhausting, so you will definitely need more naps. However, all the information you’re inhaling through your nose will make you smarter. That’s why they call them “street smarts.” You get them from smelling the street.

7. If you get that uncontrollable urge to chase cars or bicycles you should get therapy before you move. There are way too many of these things in the city and there’s no stopping any of them. The sooner you realize this the better off you will be and the more likely you are to avoid a canine existential crisis.

8. They still barbecue in the city and there are still leftover hot dogs. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

What I learned From Poe

I recently toured the Edgar Allan Poe Museum in Richmond, Virginia. I’m working on a few articles based on the visit, but while these are still in progress I thought I’d share a few quick insights on what I learned from Poe.

1. If you’re going to die, be sure to do it in someone else’s clothing. It will get people talking. Some people will find it so odd that they will go out and buy your books to search for any clue on why you might have done this.

2. Choose your enemies wisely. Most people don’t know this, but much of what we’ve heard about Poe being a drunkard and person of questionable character was made up by one of his professional adversaries and published after Poe’s death. The lies were intended to discredit Poe and destroy his literary legacy. This attempt backfired and only drew more people to read Poe’s work, making him far more famous than the individual who wrote the lies. Score one for Poe!

3. Marry someone much younger. Poe's happiest relationship was with his wife, who was only 13 when she and Poe (who was 27 at the time) were married. However, she died of an illness at the age of 24 and Poe never did seem to find true love again.

4. It’s okay to be a literary whore. Even Poe took on writing assignments, such as writing a textbook on sea shells, in order to pay the bills. I think that if Poe had resort to turning literary tricks in order to make ends meet, then it’s certainly not beneath the rest of us to do likewise.

Hello, Sleepy Hollow and Greetings, Mr. Poe!

We wrapped up our visit to Book Expo America and headed out to see a few more literary tour spots outside of the city on the way home. Here are some of the highlights.

Less than an hour from NYC is the town of Sleepy Hollow. Of course, we had to visit the graveyard. It's a beautiful place. Here's a picture of the gate:


 I don't know anything about this grave, but I loved the statue under the red maple and had to snap a picture.


The highlight of Sleepy Hollow was visiting Washington Irving's grave. This is his family plot and his gravestone is the one with the red flowers in front. It's a beautiful cemetery and a great place to take a walk if you have the time.


Nearby the cemetery is Union Church of Pocantico Hills.  They wouldn't let us take pictures inside, but this place is extraordinary! The stained glass windows along the sides of this small chapel were made by Matisse and the rose window above the alter is the last work of art made by Chagall. Here;s the Chagall window from the outside:


Next, we drove a few hours to Baltimore, Maryland to gaze upon the grave of Edgar Allan Poe. It's a tradition to leave a penny on the grave because a school teacher started the "pennies for Poe" campaign that resulted in the building of the monument in the picture. Although he's buried under this monument now, he was originally buried with a small marker in the back of the churchyard. This monument was built because his fans left pennies. It just goes to show how little things can add up!



Just a few blocks from Poe's grave is his Baltimore house. It's also a museum, but it's currently closed for renovation. Nevertheless, we made the trek in the rain to see it. Here's the plaque on the front of the house marking it:





And here's what the house looks like:

And then we drove on into the night.