Advice From a Gargoyle: Choosing a College

I took my daughter to a college fair last night. Newton, my gargoyle and BFF, was busy and couldn’t join us (he’s very active socially, if you haven’t noticed), so he sent me a list of questions to ask to help us in choosing the right college.

Here’s Newton’s list in case any of you need help in knowing what questions to ask potential colleges:

1. How many Gothic structures do you have on campus?

2. What is your tallest building? Height (in meters)?

3. What sort of perching arrangements are provided on your tall buildings? Is there high demand for the more desirable perches?

4. Does you cafeteria offer free beer to gargoyles?

5. What is the prevalence of evil on campus? Has evil ever taken over or dominated any departments or buildings?

6. Please explain your strategy to protect the campus from harm or unseen evil forces.

7. How many winged mammals are accepted into your graduate and undergraduate programs? Do you have a breakdown by program of study?

8. Are students required to wear clothing to class if they also have either wings or scales?

I hope these have been helpful. Newton wishes all future college students safety from harm at all times during their education. Good luck in choosing a school.