Amy Neftzger's Blog, page 17

The Story Behind the Stories

For those of you who don't know, I just released a collection of three short stories called "Leftover Shorts."
Leftover Shorts was named that way because it really is a collection of leftovers: these are three stories I wrote because I liked the concepts behind them.  None of these stories fits neatly into the two collections I'm currently working on, so they're "Leftovers."  That doesn't mean that I love these children any less but, like all strange relatives, they may need a little explaining.  So here's how I came about the idea for these three oddballs... The Marshmallow War Too often I see experienced workers and their body of institutional knowledge being ignored within organizations.  So I had to make fun of it.  I set the story in a Marshmallow company where the inexperienced new manager thinks that if a little of something is good (fluffiness) then a lot must be even better.  This story is about how the mature workers resolve their situation through some not so mature (yet creative) means.  When I re-read this story I feel like it has a slight Kurt Vonnegut feel to it, so I may have been reading some of his work when I was writing it.  Let me know if you agree with the influence or if I'm imagining it. Peripheral Witches I was definitely in a Tim Burton mood when I put this together.  The premise is that we see all kinds of evil in something that we don't fully examine - in other words, when we don't look at it head on.  The woman in the story sees witches in her peripheral vision.  The images vanish whenever she looks directly at them and she begins to think that she's going crazy.  It doesn't occur to her until the end that maybe she's projecting her own bitterness onto these things.  The story is set during Prom time (which it currently is right now!) because Proms have a very fairy tale nature about them.  I thought it would be fun to weave this theme together with the fairy tale of the witches that the main character is creating in her mind. Parson's Song There is an old folk tune called "MacPherson's Lament."  The legend states that the criminal MacPerson composed his own lament (song of mourning) on the gallows right before he was to be hanged.  I've updated the setting from old Scotland and put it in the more recent South.  The main character, Billy Parson, is fodder for small town gossip and superstition based local beliefs surrounding when he was born. Billy, himself doesn't know how to interpret or whether to believe the superstition, but it still impacts the choices he makes in life.So that's the story behind the stories.  Now please go purchase them for the low, low price of 99 cents.  If you like them, recommend them to a friend.  If you dislike them, recommend them to an enemy.  Either way I'd appreciate a referral.  Thank you!Click here buy the book for Amazon Kindle.Click here to buy the book in other formats such as PDF, Sony Reader, Kobi, Palm, etc.

You are Statistically Significant

A few days ago I was asked about statistical significance and what it really means.  This is a concept that often causes confusion for people, so I thought I'd write something for the average person that doesn't go into too much statistical jargon using words like "rejection region" or "alpha."  Rejection region, by the way, sounds more like the back corner of a discount store where they put the damaged goods on clearance.  But it's a real statistical term and I wouldn't make fun of it because it has a lot of powerful friends who could gang up on me.  So here's the concept of statistical significance in plain English:  It means that there is a consistent difference that is not likely to be caused by accident. It doesn't mean that the difference is automatically huge or that every observation in one group is different from every observation in the second group.  The groups could overlap in content and still be significantly different based on the averages.  Statistically significant differences are not necessarily meaningful, either.  Think about a five cent difference in cost.  This could be statistically significant but still not sway a person to buy the item that is five cents cheaper.  So, to sum it up, statistical significance just means that the two groups are consistently different. In other words, the difference (however large or small) is real and probably not due to chance.Bearing this in mind, I want you all to know that every one of you is statistically significant to me.  I check how many people read my blog each week and I know that you are different from other people because you took the time to read this.  Knowing that you've been here also makes me smile.  So this is for you:

5 Things the Easter Bunny Could do to Improve His Business Model

We all love Easter, but the holiday may be in danger due to some potential mismanagement issues.  My advice isn't new, but I think it's about time that someone said it to the Easter Bunny directly.Hopping from place to place is an outdated an inefficient mode of transportation.  Invest in something a little faster and more efficient.  Speed is, of course, paramount, but also remember that bunnies are not very tall so make sure the vehicle is low to the ground so that you can get in and out quickly.  It's difficult to make a profit when you give away everything for free.  This is a very poor and self destructive business model.  You should be charging for your services or consumers will devalue the content you provide.  I strongly suggest that you start accepting all major credit cards or set up an account with PayPal to get payment in advance of the holiday.  Since children have been accustomed to receiving the goods for free they may by initially resistant to payment. Time for tough love.Expand your market to include others besides children.  Parents are the next logical market because of their close relationship with your current market segment.  Some product tie-ins may be things like ear plugs to block out the noise of rowdy children hyped up on excessive sugar.  These could be included in a nice basket that also contains bottles of aspirin, antacids, bath salts, and perhaps a little whiskey to help mom and dad get through the holiday.Focusing on one event a year will not sustain your business on a daily basis.  You simply need more Easters.  While you could create other streams of revenue, such as new holidays, the cost of product development will eat you alive before the holidays become viable sources of income.You can't be everywhere at the same time, so we all know that you have a number of bunnies in your employment.  This is overhead.  Bunnies also tend to have large families. Insuring these ever growing rabbit families is extremely expensive.  In addition, you're probably carrying some hefty accidental death and dismemberment premiums on these extra bunnies because of the risk involved in such things as crossing busy streets in the dark while being under 12 inches tall and entering houses with dogs. It would be prudent to find a way to automate the process of basket delivery or outsource the work to a third party.  Of course, this would also mean that kids would get their baskets the Friday before or the Monday after the holiday to accommodate the delivery schedule of these carriers. However, this would also solve the issue in point number 1 above concerning hopping.  Think about it.I could go on, but I'll stop here so that you can consider my advice.  This is textbook stuff, Mr. Easter Bunny.  Wake up and smell the carrots before your business goes under.  We care about your holiday.  It's about time that you did.

Should Life be ISO 9000 Certified?

The purpose of the ISO 9000 certification program is to imbed quality and efficiency into business processes so that manufacturers produce better quality goods and more satisfied customers.  So why aren't more things ISO 900 certified?  It seems to me that there are things outside of business that could benefit from this sort of "stamp of approval."  Below is my list of suggestions. Parenthood.  This is at the top of my list because every parent I've known has asked for a manual to help them raise kids.  What if the process were streamlined so that you knew exactly the right thing to do in every situation?  Dating.  What if you knew that your date was ISO 9000 certified so that you could expect everything to go perfectly?  The man would bring the right kind of flowers and you'd go to the best restaurants and never have to wait too long.  Everything would be standardized including the amount of cleavage the woman was expected to reveal in her outfit.Churches.  This could be a huge bonus to churches who want to grow.  Think about what it would mean if your church could say: "85% of our congregation reaches Heaven.  Results you can believe in!"These are just a few of my ideas.  Fantasy?  Sure.  Life has no guarantees. But the thought of trying to put a guarantee on it makes me laugh and that improves the quality of my life.   

I've Been Making Up Band Names Again...

One of my favorite hobbies is making up potential names for rock bands.  Actually, it's more of an addiction.  Since I can't seem to land my dream job of working in A&R somewhere that pays a lot and expects very little of me, here's a few of the band names I've created:  Funky Cupcake This is an all girl band.  They could even be drag queens wearing pink tights. Pancake Maggots Metal band.  No other type of band could pull off "Maggots" in the name as well.  Cheap Therapy This one is actually being used right now by a group of guys who get together and play oldies for fun.  If they ever make any money I am going to ask for 10% based on naming rights. Ban Jovi A Bon Jovi tribute band that's all banjo.  It would sound like this:   Click Here.Actually, I think this is ridiculous, but I thought the clip was too hilarious to leave it off the list.   Play it again!!! London Unleashed My dog was named after Jack London and she has a very rock and roll attitude, so she deserves to have a band named after her.  I have no other reason for picking this name. Holy Shift A Christian rock band who really wants to make a difference in the world and not just play music.  They would manifest the love of God in such dramatic ways that the whole world would stop and say, "Holy Shift!  Love really does change everything for the better!" Bonus clip:  I wrote the lyrics for a song called Megatistics.  It's written in the musical style of Megadeth but with statistical lyrics.  This might be a future cut on the Pancake Maggots CD.


Click here to listen to Megatistics.

The Bradford Pear: A Whore Among Trees.

Not a fan of the Bradford Pear.  I know these are hugely popular trees, but I have never liked them.  I don't mind the fact that they're ornamental fruit trees that never bear fruit (although I try not to think about how they got that way).  But I've always known that there was something just wrong about them and then it occurred to me that these trees are basically the equivalent of arboreal prostitutes.  Follow my logic: They tend to congregate along streets, just like streetwalkers.They promiscuously flower, attracting all kinds of vermin.Deer love to scandalously strip the leaves and expose the limbs, specially on the lower portion.They don't produce anything - people purchase them simply for pleasure (they just want to look at it.  Right.).The blooms smell like rotting fish. (Disclaimer: I have not gotten close enough to very many prostitutes to know what they smell like, on average.)I think that pretty much sums it up.  It's no wonder that the moral fiber of our society is falling apart with Bradford Pears on every corner.  And yes, I did Photoshop the scarlet letter onto the picture below to drive my point home.

Interviewing Advice

Research has shown that people who present themselves well during an interview are more likely to be hired.  If convincing others exactly how they should think about you isn't your primary skill (it certainly isn't mine), don't panic.  You don't have to be able to manipulate others in order to get hired.  I've put together a few tips to help you get through the interview process.  Dress professionally.  When in doubt, dress more conservatively. Don't gamble that the office is a casual dress environment if you aren't positive.  Even when you know that dress is casual, remember that some hiring managers and HR representatives prefer to see well dressed candidates because they feel like those candidates are serious about getting the job.  You always want to convey that you're interested in that job in that company.Be polite to everyone.  More and more offices are letting coworkers weigh in on hiring decisions.  The theory behind this approach is that it leads to a more cohesive team after the person is hired.  So take the time to learn everyone's name - write down the names in your notes to help you remember, if needed.  Treat everyone with respect and take the time to ask them questions.  If you can get the others to talk about themselves they are more likely to form a favorable opinion of you.Smile occasionally.  I know this is difficult to do when you're nervous, but if you can find a way to get yourself to smile it can help the interviewers to form a better opinion of you than if you never smile.  In addition, smiling can create a more positive environment to help both you and the interviewer to relax more. Honesty is always the best policy. You may be lacking in an area of experience or you may have just finished working for the boss from hell and are worried about how this could make you look during the interview.  Remember that HR representatives are good with people - most of them know how to engage and they relate well to other people.  Sometimes they do this a little too well (they can come off as organizational cheerleaders).  Because HR professionals tend to have this in their personalities, they're also pretty good at telling when someone is uncomfortable or trying to avoid an answer.  When they see that you're uncomfortable they may not be able to tell whether you're lying or why you might be doing so.  That's why your best option most of the time is to be honest and come clean.  You have a better chance of making it to the next round of interviews if you're honest than if the HR professionals see behavior that indicates you're hiding something.Never speak poorly about a former employer or manager.  At one time or another we've all worked for incompetent monsters or worse.  I've been in too many companies and I know the odds are in your favor that you've had a bad experience with a boss.  Keep in mind my previous point (honesty is the best policy), but don't let your emotional experience of the situation dictate your words.  When asked about these experiences, it's best to explain that you had a difference of opinion and mention any constructive ways that you worked on the situation.  This approach is more likely to make you look like a problem solver than a  resentful person.Finally, remember that finding a job is process and it's always about moving forward.  Due to the nature of how the process works, you're always going to be rejected more times than you're offered a position.  Don't take the rejection personally and don't let it stop you from moving on to the next opportunity. You will only get there if you keep moving towards it.

Resume Advice 3: Help the Recruiter

Recruiters are looking at a lot of resumes when they attempt to fill a job position.  You stand a better chance of getting an interview if you do a few things to help them out when you send in your resume.  The best thing you can do to help them is to make it easy for them to find the information for which they're looking.  What they're looking for are specific things that are important to being successful on the job they're trying to fill. 
The most important thing you can do is to make it easy to find any experience of yours that is directly relevant to the job.  Even if you have all the skills and experience required to do the job, you won't make it to an interview if that information is buried somewhere on page three.  Other things you can do to help the recruiter:Make it obvious that you're right for the job.  This means that you should, first of all, organize the contents of your resume neatly and logically.  Providing a bulleted list of your strongest job relevant skills right after your headline and before detailing any experience can help gain the attention of the reviewer.  The key is to make sure that the bulleted list contains the qualifications for the job.Make it relevant.  Or conversely, don't include irrelevant information.  This clutters up your resume and makes it difficult for the reviewer to find what the person needs to know about you.  You may have other great experience, but if it's not pertinent to the job for which you're applying, it can keep you from getting an interview.  So what information is relevant?  Anything in your experience that is also listed in the job posting and where you got your key words (see my earlier posting on key words to learn more about these).  Avoid being vague.  While you don't want clutter on your resume, you do want enough description of the right things.  HR professionals can't find information if you leave it off or if you don't describe your experience well.  Provide enough detail to let them know that you have what it takes to do the job.Example:Let's suppose that you were a fourth grade teacher.  "Taught classes in an elementary school" is a vague statement that doesn't convey exactly what you did in order to cram knowledge into those kids' brains.  What did it take to teach those classes?  Here are a few examples of how to detail this experience:Developed curriculum and wrote detailed lesson plans.Lectured to groups of students.Created group oriented learning activities to help students build social and team oriented skills.Wrote multiple choice and essay tests.Provided developmental feedback to students and created corrective action plans when necessary.Communicated regularly with parents.Choose which tasks and responsibilities to emphasize based on the job for which you are applying.  In addition, it's a good idea to keep a master list of all your experience for each job in your history and then choose which tasks to include when applying for specific jobs.  This will keep your resume from being too cluttered and make it easier for the recruiter to find information.  I know this is extra work on your part, but if you want an interview it's in your best interest to help the recruiter to see that you have the right experience. 

Resume Advice Part 2: Using a Headline to Get Ahead

The current trend is to have a "headline" on your resume rather than an objective.  What's the difference between these two things?  An objective is self focused and tells where you want to go and what you want to do.  A headline briefly states your capabilities and accomplishments. An objective looks like this: "To become part of a world class sales team and build strong customer relationships that result in financial growth for the organization."A headline looks like this: "Team oriented business development professional with excellent sales record and strong customer relationship skills."Going along with the current trend, my advice is not to include an objective.  It sounds cold, but most HR professionals are overworked and don't really care what you want to accomplish.  They only care if you have a realistic chance of being successful in the job they're trying to fill at this moment.  So help them see that you have what it takes to do this job.  The goal is for you to make it easy for the HR person to find the information that is relevant to the job posting so that they understand that you are qualified and deserve a phone interview.  A good headline can help you to do this.  Match your headline to the job posting to emphasize the aspects of your career or skills that are listed in the job qualifications. 
More resume advice to come next week.

Resume Advice: Key Words May be the Key to Your Future

Since I often get asked for resume advice, I thought this would be a great topic to write about.  After all, I do know a lot about HR and selection systems.  However, if I put all my resume tips into one posting it would get extremely long, so I'm going to break this into separate posts to make it easier to read.I'll begin this series of posts with the most critical issue to getting your resume through the initial screening process and into the hands of a live human being so that you can be considered for a job.  When I say "live human being" I'm not inferring that HR departments are staffed by zombies (even if they seem that way at times).  The truth is that many HR departments have moved over to using an electronic screening process.  This means that in order for your resume to be reviewed by a human it will first be previewed by a machine.  While this process might sound a little crazy to people outside of HR, this has become a standard practice by many HR departments due to the large volume of submitted resumes.  In many instances it would be impossible for the HR staff to review the thousands of resumes they receive.  Having a machine scan for specific key words is a fair way to make sure that every resume get equal attention and is reviewed using the same yardstick during that initial screening process.Important: Your resume needs to contain the right key words in order for your application to make it into the next phase of the selection process.So what are the key words?  These vary from job to job and are based on the job requirements.  These may be licensure, education, experience, or specific knowledge.  Whatever these requirements are will be listed in the job posting and are often blatantly labeled in a list called "job requirements" or "qualifications."  This is why it is critical to customize your resume for each job to which you apply.  Make sure that you list all the requirements in the job description for which you have experience.  Only the key words need to be present, not the entire phrase.Below is an example of job experience/ requirements from a job posting on the Internet:"Strong proficiency in Microsoft Office, Excel and PowerPoint.  Self-starter with high energy and initiative to take projects through to completion.  Strong ability to multi-task and work in deadline-driven environment.  Demonstrate initiative to identify areas for improvement and take the lead to implement changes.  Must maintain confidentiality in daily operations and conduct business in a professional manner."And here are the key words for which a computer may be scanning: Office, Excel, PowerPoint, Multi-task, meet deadlines, initiative, change implementation.  Note that the computer may also scan for variations of these terms.Don't panic if you don't have all the requirements listed in the job posting as part of your experience. The purpose of using the key words is to help identify candidates who meet certain minimum requirements, and not necessarily all the job requirements. Just because  a list is provided doesn't mean that they are using all of the key terms or using them all the same way.  For example, not all the key words may be equally weighted, so listing as many as possible doesn't always get your resume at the top of the list.  Some job requirements are considered critical and if you don't have that particular skill or knowledge your resume will be dropped from the process and never make it to the next stage.  For example, many jobs require certification or licensure.  For example, if a job posting for a nurse states that R.N. certification is required or essential, then anyone who does not specifically mention that they have this certification will not be considered in the application process.Finally, don't ever lie or stretch the truth, because this electronic age makes it easier for HR departments to flag your record for dishonesty if they find an exaggeration on your application.  This could prevent you from being considered for the job for which you are applying as well as future positions with that company.  The purpose of using key words is to help quickly identify those applicants who should be looked at more closely.  Having these in your resume doesn't guarantee that you'll get the job, but it can increase your chances of getting an interview.