Amy Neftzger's Blog, page 12
July 11, 2012
I’ll have a Mar-Go-Rita
It’s been a very hot summer. Record breaking heat. It’s time for someone to cash in on this heat wave and this is why I’ve come up with a great new business idea.
Every summer when the heat kicks up, the ice cream truck comes around and both kids and adults rush into the street to buy a refreshing treat (or, in some cases, a stale but frosty snack that has the illusion of being a treat because of the novel situation that someone drove it to your neighborhood in a musical vehicle). In any event, it’s a summer ritual for many of us.
But what do most adults really want? Booze. What if there was a truck that drove around playing polka music that sold frosty mugs of beer? How much faster would you run out of your house to get something like that - even if you’re still in your bathrobe? Or better yet, stay in the AC and send the kids out to the curb with your ID and a twenty and tell them that there’s an extra five in it for them if they don’t spill the brew.
There could be other trucks. My personal favorite is the Mar-Go-Rita truck that sells margaritas (either frozen or on the rocks) as well as tequila shots for people who still have to go back to work in the afternoon and need something to get them through that next meeting. If you decide to implement this idea, might I also suggest that you have a friend drive the Fajita Nacho Truck right behind you? Because I’m going to want a snack with my Mar-Go-Rita and I may not be in any condition to drive out to get one (if you’re making them correctly).
This is a potential goldmine for the right person. Not to mention that it would solve the problem of drinking and driving because we no longer have to drive to get our drinks. Our drinks would come to us.
I’ve done my job by planting the seed of the idea. Now I’m just waiting for the right entrepreneur to implement this in my neighborhood. I’ll be on the porch waiting.
July 4, 2012
Independence Day or Independence Week?
It’s Independence Day (July 4th) here in the United States. This is the holiday where we celebrate our freedom and the signing of the Declaration of Independence. But I can’t help wondering how we can really feel free when most of us will be enslaved again tomorrow morning when we go back to work. So I’m proposing that we make this holiday a week long festival.
Here’s why:
1.) Making this the only paid holiday that lasts a full week (the first week in July) will emphasize the importance of it. Not to mention that people feel more free when they’re not thinking about going to work the next day.
2.) It gives us more time for parades and making homemade ice cream (it takes a long time to churn ice cream. A week of paid vacation should make that more feasible).
3.) Everyone knows that you can’t blow off fireworks without getting drunk first, so making this holiday a full week gives us more time for fireworks AND more time to sober up before going back to work. It’s a win-win situation!
If the government can’t give us a week of paid vacation for this, the least they can do is change the law so that it’s legal to set off fireworks when sober. Not that we’d follow it.
June 26, 2012
"I'm Really More of an Artist"
Recently I came across a situation where a musician was hired to fill in as the worship leader for a Sunday morning service while the primary worship leader was out. The individual was asked to put together a set of slides with the song lyrics so that the congregation could follow along as they sing. This was the response the hired individual gave to the request:
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.”
Now, I won’t even get into the fact that this person is being paid to be a “worship leader” and not a performing artist. Or the fact that there are dozens of other musicians who would love a paying gig in this town. What I immediately saw was the incredible genius in this remark. The next time that my kids ask me to drive them to the movies, I can respond “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.” Or the next time the IRS asks me for documentation during an audit I can say, “I’m sorry. I’m really more of an artist. I just don’t do the whole documentation thing.”
This is such a good idea that I think we should all be “artists.” So when your boss asks you to put together the monthly sales report you can say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.” Or if someone asks you to clean up your mess in the office kitchen you can say, “I’m sorry. I’m more of an artist and not really into the whole cleaning thing.” Kids who don’t want to do their homework can always use the artist excuse, also. Because if we’re all artists and need to focus on our art instead of all the little things, then none of us ever has to do anything we don’t feel like doing.
By the way, I was informed that the individual will not be hired again to fill in for the worship leader because the person wasn’t interested in doing the work for which he was being paid.
The truth is that real artists do whatever it takes because we know that it’s not about us: it’s about our work. And if it takes making a few slides to help people follow along with our work, then we make the slides. Art is, after all, a form of communication. If we feel that we’re above communicating then what we’re doing may not really be art.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.”
Now, I won’t even get into the fact that this person is being paid to be a “worship leader” and not a performing artist. Or the fact that there are dozens of other musicians who would love a paying gig in this town. What I immediately saw was the incredible genius in this remark. The next time that my kids ask me to drive them to the movies, I can respond “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.” Or the next time the IRS asks me for documentation during an audit I can say, “I’m sorry. I’m really more of an artist. I just don’t do the whole documentation thing.”
This is such a good idea that I think we should all be “artists.” So when your boss asks you to put together the monthly sales report you can say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that. I’m really more of an artist.” Or if someone asks you to clean up your mess in the office kitchen you can say, “I’m sorry. I’m more of an artist and not really into the whole cleaning thing.” Kids who don’t want to do their homework can always use the artist excuse, also. Because if we’re all artists and need to focus on our art instead of all the little things, then none of us ever has to do anything we don’t feel like doing.
By the way, I was informed that the individual will not be hired again to fill in for the worship leader because the person wasn’t interested in doing the work for which he was being paid.
The truth is that real artists do whatever it takes because we know that it’s not about us: it’s about our work. And if it takes making a few slides to help people follow along with our work, then we make the slides. Art is, after all, a form of communication. If we feel that we’re above communicating then what we’re doing may not really be art.
June 19, 2012
Word of the Day
Neftzgerian |nǝf-zgur-ē-ăn|
adjective
1 Impossibly difficult to pronounce.
2 Lacking in vowels.
3 Uncommonly sensed. (See my previous post for more on this topic).
ORIGIN
Authors imagination. Possibly Germany, although the author is not herself of German descent. It is rumored that she purchased the name at the Dollar General Store for half price because it was missing some vowels.
PHRASES
If you’re going to choose a stage name, try looking for something a little less neftzgerian than Fryptz Trwftysevy. It will never be spelled correctly in the credits!
That movie was so neftzgerian that I thought I was watching a documentary on creative government policies.
P.S.
I know that you’re not supposed to give yourself a nickname, but there are no rules against creating new words based on your own name. Therefore I’ve taken the liberty of defining my own name as an adjective. I think we can all agree that my definitions are fairly obvious. So let’s all try to start working this term into our everyday conversation now, shall we?
May 30, 2012
Common Sense
It’s been said that common sense is actually not all that common. Some people believe that everyone has common sense but that a certain segment of the population just doesn’t use it. If you’ve been reading my blog for any amount of time you know how I love nonsense, so this trait likely puts me in the group of people having uncommon sense.
As a member of this group, I’d like to help the rest of you understand why some of us appear to be lacking in common sense. Here are the top reasons why some of us don’t use common sense:
1.) We put all of our common sense in a really safe place and then forgot exactly where that was.
2.) We’ve treated it with rooting hormone, put it in a dark place, and are hoping to grow it into a sixth sense.
3.) We actually do have common sense, but we’re too modest to expose it publicly.
4.) The dog ate it.
5.) Someone else cleaned our bedrooms when we weren’t at home and the person accidentally threw out all our common sense because it looks like old pizza (which also explains why the dog would want to eat it).
6.) Common sense becomes cheap if everyone has plenty of it. Scarcity creates value. You’re welcome.
7.) It accidentally fell in the toilet and we didn’t want to reach in and save it. So we flushed. Wouldn’t you have done the same?
8.) It fell on the floor in a place where the three second rule does not apply. So we left it there.
9.) It’s not in season and, therefore, would be far too cost prohibitive to import.
10.) We’re holding onto it in the hopes of driving up the market price, thereby saving our shares for an IPO so we can go public and get rich selling it.
I hope this helps creating better understanding between the common sense people and those of us who are uncommonly sensed.
As a member of this group, I’d like to help the rest of you understand why some of us appear to be lacking in common sense. Here are the top reasons why some of us don’t use common sense:
1.) We put all of our common sense in a really safe place and then forgot exactly where that was.
2.) We’ve treated it with rooting hormone, put it in a dark place, and are hoping to grow it into a sixth sense.
3.) We actually do have common sense, but we’re too modest to expose it publicly.
4.) The dog ate it.
5.) Someone else cleaned our bedrooms when we weren’t at home and the person accidentally threw out all our common sense because it looks like old pizza (which also explains why the dog would want to eat it).
6.) Common sense becomes cheap if everyone has plenty of it. Scarcity creates value. You’re welcome.
7.) It accidentally fell in the toilet and we didn’t want to reach in and save it. So we flushed. Wouldn’t you have done the same?
8.) It fell on the floor in a place where the three second rule does not apply. So we left it there.
9.) It’s not in season and, therefore, would be far too cost prohibitive to import.
10.) We’re holding onto it in the hopes of driving up the market price, thereby saving our shares for an IPO so we can go public and get rich selling it.
I hope this helps creating better understanding between the common sense people and those of us who are uncommonly sensed.
May 23, 2012
School Zones: Isn’t it time we centralized them?
I’ve been looking at real estate and noticed that school zones create a host of problems, especially concerning property values. For example, the same house may be priced much higher in one school zone because the high school is deemed more desirable.
So what’s the solution?
Completely centralizing all school zones. If we put every student in the United States into one giant high school, there is only one school zone and everyone in the United Sates is eligible for it. There is no more class distinction. No more school rivalry. Because all high school kids in the U.S. go to the same school
But where do we put it?
Iowa. It’s the ideal location for several reasons.
First of all, Iowa is centrally (and conveniently) located in the Midwest, thereby providing a reasonable commute for most students. Students from either coast will not need to travel the full width of the country.
Secondly, the winters are very cold. This will keep the kids indoors studying instead of playing Frisbee on the abandoned corn fields (you don’t expect the farmers to stay in Iowa once it becomes a high school instead of a state, do you?).
Finally, this will eliminate the need for curfews in the rest of the United States and save on the tax dollars currently used to enforce these curfews.
Problem solved. Now all property values will be equal. Except for Iowa. But we can work that out later.
So what’s the solution?
Completely centralizing all school zones. If we put every student in the United States into one giant high school, there is only one school zone and everyone in the United Sates is eligible for it. There is no more class distinction. No more school rivalry. Because all high school kids in the U.S. go to the same school
But where do we put it?
Iowa. It’s the ideal location for several reasons.
First of all, Iowa is centrally (and conveniently) located in the Midwest, thereby providing a reasonable commute for most students. Students from either coast will not need to travel the full width of the country.
Secondly, the winters are very cold. This will keep the kids indoors studying instead of playing Frisbee on the abandoned corn fields (you don’t expect the farmers to stay in Iowa once it becomes a high school instead of a state, do you?).
Finally, this will eliminate the need for curfews in the rest of the United States and save on the tax dollars currently used to enforce these curfews.
Problem solved. Now all property values will be equal. Except for Iowa. But we can work that out later.
May 8, 2012
Daily Dave #66
Some of you know that I used to have a mailing list called "The Daily Dave" that was very popular. I would send out a daily email that contained a quote from Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine, usually out of context and applied to business in an irreverent manner.
The business world has a lot to learn from metal music, as I've written about in this previous post.
However, some Daily Dave posts were just for fun. Like this one:
The business world has a lot to learn from metal music, as I've written about in this previous post.
However, some Daily Dave posts were just for fun. Like this one:
May 1, 2012
Waste Land
Normally documentaries are pretty much only useful for helping me to fall asleep. Except documentaries about fine artists. For some reason I love these. I’ve been watching them while I run on the treadmill and it really makes the time go by for me.Since Netflix can read my mind and knows what I like to watch, it recommended the documentary Waste Land. I saw that it was about an artist (named Vik Muniz) working with some recyclers at a landfill and I didn’t expect it to be terribly good. I assumed that the film was thinly disguised propaganda for recycling. I was very wrong. Yes, there is a message about recycling, but it is more about recycling human lives and giving people hope. This was one of the best films I've seen this year and it was beautiful.I wasn't familiar with Vik’s work, but I was very impressed with what I saw. His art holds a lot of interest in the interplay between the level of detail up close and in the idea or concept that can be seen from farther away. The way these two aspects of his art interact and then also knowing the stories of the people who were involved in the making of this art is what captivated me. The process was just as interesting as the finished product. Even if you don’t like art, there are two important messages in this film that we all need to hear at one time or another and the film is worth watching for these:1.) No matter how bad your life seems, it can ALWAYS be recycled into something beautiful.2.) There is always hope when one person reaches out to another. We all have that ability to create hope for others.Go watch the film on Netflix or buy it on Amazon. You won’t be sorry.
April 20, 2012
What Kids Really Learn at School
Today as I was driving the kids to school I discovered where they find the real gems of knowledge within their education: the janitor.Apparently, the janitor has been espousing wisdom all year, but his latest bit of education has really impressed the kids. He said that if you cut a shape into baloney and leave it on a car overnight, the baloney will fade the paint on the car and the image will stay there even when the rancid baloney is removed. I went to Snopes.com and found out there there is some truth to this: any food that uses phosphoric acid as a preservative will have this effect (crafters note for success: heat will speed up the process). Do you see the potential here? So did my kids. Here are a few of their designs:
I don’t know about you, but if baloney rips the finish off a car, I’m not sure that I want to be eating it. I’ll save it for an act of revenge which, like baloney, is a dish best served cold.In any event, it just goes to show you that we can always learn something from other people, regardless of their age or station in life. And I thought that school only existed to dull kids’ brains with things like Algebra and Trigonometry so that I can get them to eat spinach at dinner time.
April 13, 2012
Happy Friday the Thirteenth!
Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number thirteen. I spelled it instead of writing the number here, just in case anyone reading this blog has this fear.Wikipedia says that it comes from the Greek tris meaning "3", kai meaning "and", deka meaning "10" and phobia meaning "fear" or "morbid fear." I’ve actually studied Greek, so I know that this translation is accurate (for you skeptics).Paraskevidekatriaphobia is fear of Friday the thirteenth. That’s today.Triscuit-a-phobia is fear of Triscuits. It stems from the belief that excess fiber takes out your intelligence as it cleanses your colon. Or it could be related to the fear that crunchy food snacks may take over the world.If you have Triskaidekaphobia and Triscuit-a-phobia don’t look at the photo below. It could make you panic. If you also have Paraskevidekatriaphobia, then definitely don’t look at it today.
As for me, I’m off to buy my lottery ticket. If everyone else is having bad luck today, then there must be a ton of good luck out there searching for someone who is fearless.P.S. Thanks to my friend Craig Sullivan for giving me the idea for this post.
