Amy Neftzger's Blog, page 14

More Advice on Becoming a Author: Approaching Agents and Publishers

Agent and publishers are flooded with manuscripts daily.  Remember this when you approach them.  In order to stand out you need to convince them that you are not a waste of their time, so the very first thing you need is a completed and polished manuscript.  Yes, finding an agent or publisher can take months or years, but you will be immediately disqualified if they ask for your book and it hasn't met the minimum criteria.  They will throw it away.I would also recommend hiring an editor to look at it before submitting it.  You may be under the impression that you can delegate the editing of your book to the publisher's editors.  This is a mistake.   Here 's why: Because, as I said earlier, you need to convince the agent or publisher that you are not a waste of their time.  If a book hasn't already been through preliminary editing it may take months to get it ready for printing.  A book that is already in good shape will go to market sooner and therefore is worth their time. Submitting a manuscript that needs work is the same thing as letting them know that you're not ready to be published.  Your manuscript will be on the discard pile faster than you can say "edit." Whether or not you decide to pay a freelance editor, I strongly recommend that you find someone other than yourself to edit your manuscript.  Never assume that you will catch all your own typos and mistakes no matter how good a writer you may be.  I have successfully edited books by other authors and I still can't catch all of my own typos. The problem is that when you're the writer you're too close to the ideas in your head and you may even be reading the prose the way you correctly imagine it to be inside your mind, rather than the way your hands have typed it.  A second pair of eyes is a good investment.  If you can afford to pay for experienced eyes, it's an even better investment.So before writing a query letter, make sure that your manuscript is in excellent form.  Yes, the publisher will have an editor go through it again and there may be more changes.  But most of professional writing is rewriting and it's a process.  The deadlines for new drafts only help to make it more exciting (Writing humor.  Just laugh.).A great resource is the Editorial Freelancers Association where you can find freelance editors and other information, such as a guide to current fees so you can get an idea of how much this work will cost you.  Remember that the number of hours it will take to edit your manuscript is dependent upon the strength of your writing skills.  Manuscripts with more mistakes take longer to edit and therefore will cost more.  It's a good idea to go through your manuscript several times yourself before sending it to the editor.  This can save you money in the long run. Also note that editing and proofreading are not the same thing.  Proofreaders are cheaper, but they will not address any content, plot discontinuities, or style issues.  They will only correct spelling, punctuation, and grammatical mistakes.  Finally, make sure that any editor you hire is familiar with your genre. The styles of editing for different genres are not the same and getting the right editor can make a huge difference in the quality of your manuscript.

How to Deal with Mondays

Research has shown us that more heart attacks take place on Monday mornings than any other day of the week.  But we don't need research to tell us that Mondays are dangerous.  We already know that this day of the week packs more bad luck and  unbridled evil than any other day of the week.  So what can we do about it?  I have a few suggestions to get this discussion started.1. Name the next Bond Villain "Monday" to immortalize the evil nature of this day in film.   This doesn't solve anything, but it will make us feel better when Bond eventually blows him up.2. Develop a vaccine against Mondays to prevent them from erupting every week.3. Sell "Monday Insurance" to help guarantee an uneventful Monday.  For each Monday that goes poorly the insured person would collect a payment of $5k.  Of course, Mondays would still suck... but we'd never have to work again.4. Launder Mondays and distribute them to drug dealers in third world countries. They won't know what they have until it's too late.  Then the Monday overload will cause their operations to crumble and we have the added bonus of solving the drug problem.5. Mail them to Antarctica.  The cold air will freeze them and prevent them from doing harm or multiplying.  Plus, this strategy benefits the U.S. Postal system, which desperately needs our business.  Mondays tend to be very heavy, and thus, very profitable.6. Sentence convicted Wall Street Investors to live all our Mondays for us while we get to watch.  Make it a reality show.  The advertising dollars can go to support Social Security before it goes bankrupt.7. Put all the Mondays in a padded cell, force their eyes open with toothpicks, and make them watch American Idol auditions so that these Mondays can get a sample of the pain they cause us.The list is endless.  I only know that Mondays are hell.  It's time we put Mondays in hell.

Nutcracker Safety

During this past holiday season there have been a number of fires and other household accidents in the news.  So while you're packing up your decorations and getting them stored for next year I thought I'd remind everyone about nutcracker safety.  Why am I covering this just as the holidays are coming to a close?  Because, as you will see below,  storing your nutcracker properly is one of the best things you can do.Rule 1: Location, Location, LocationWhen decorating your home, be sure you place your nutcracker in the proper location.  In a home where both parents work, some unsupervised nutcrackers may become bored and form gangs.  This is particularly troublesome if you have a collection and gangs form between nutcrackers in different areas of you house.  For example, kitchen nutcrackers often try to snuff out nutcrackers in other rooms.  The kitchen heat makes them territorial.  With this in mind, also keep all nutcrackers away from fireplaces or heating vents to avoid inflaming their tempers.  This rule also applies to the storage of nutcrackers after the season.Rule 2: A Nutcracker Mind is a Terrible Thing To WasteUnsupervised and neglected nutcrackers often become bored and restless.  This can result in the nutcrackers puling trash out of the bin and then using their powerful jaws to drag rotting food remnants or other things into hard to find locations.  Why?  Nutcracker boredom.  These guys were made to crack nuts.  This is what their brains were designed to do and when you prevent them from fulfilling that purpose you risk disaster.  It's part of the natural order.  So if you're not going to allow your nutcracker to crack nuts, then please find a suitable occupation for their minds during the holiday season, such as developing financial models to predict the performance of your favorite stocks during the next year (the little guys love to make money).Rule 3: The Language of the HolidaysBe careful what you say in front of your nutcracker because they often repeat what they hear.  Avoid all cussing and foul language because these words stick with them and are very difficult to remove from their vocabularies.  Don't even say, "Aunt Martha's butt looks as wide as the Pacific in that blue skirt" because the nutcrackers will repeat it.  Often. In fact, they may start singing it in four part harmony to the tune of a familiar carol just as Aunt Martha is admiring your collection of nutcrackers.Rule 4: To Sleep, Per Chance to DreamNutcrackers need a good 10 to 11 months of rest during the year.  Therefore, absolutely DO NOT leave your nutcracker on display throughout the year.  This can cause disorientation, confusion, and a whole host of other problems.  Aside from the issues above, your nutcracker may become cranky and start whining right in the middle of your favorite TV show.  In addition, you may find yourself having to explain things that no nutcracker should ever know.  Such as "What is summer vacation and why don't I get one?"Rule 5: The Truth Will Set You FreeUnder no circumstances should you ever show the Nutcracker Ballet to your nutcracker.  It makes them egotistical and power hungry.  If for some reason your nutcracker has seen the ballet, I strongly recommend that you also show him any "making of" footage on your DVD.  This will help your nutcracker to see that the ballet is all make believe and that he wasn't destined to rule the world as a prince.  Flowers don't dance, sugar plum fairies only eat sugar substitute so that they can still fit into their costumes, and nutcrackers are free men only at the holidays.  The rest of the year they are stored safely away from heat, matches, and any other nutcrackers with whom they might want to pick a fight.Be safe this year.  Store your nutcrackers properly.

Advice on Becoming a Writer

Despite all the nonsense I write on my blog, I get a lot of serious requests from people who want to get published seeking my advice.  I've gotten more than the usual number lately, so I thought I would do a blog post on it.  This will probably take several blog posts to write all of this down, so here's the initial step:The first thing you should do is ask yourself "Why do I want to be a writer?"Writing is not something that you "fall back on" if you lost your job or need some cash.  I've been contacted by a lot of out of work people who think that getting published is the answer to their financial problems.  The truth is that it's quite the opposite.   Several famous authors (Balzac and Sir Walter Scott, for example) have gone bankrupt publishing their own works.  Granted that the publishing industry has changed since those times, but the lack of or difficulty generating income is still there for most authors. Starting a writing career is like starting a small business.  You're going to be doing many jobs (writing, marketing, developing your online presence, event planning, etc.) and working long hours to build yourself.  And, just like a small business, you should anticipate that it will take at least 3 years for you to get things moving.  Your planning approach for this career should be long term and you should not expect fast returns from your work.  It will take time to build yourself up and get your career moving, so make sure that what you really want is to be a writer.  If you're writing because you enjoy the escape of going into your imaginary world, you may be better off reading books by other authors, going to the movies, or daydreaming.Like most occupations in the arts, writing is not something you go into for the money.  Most writers don't make the salaries of Dan Brown or J. K. Rowling (let's face it, no one makes J. K. Rowling's salary but J. K. Rowling!).  However, there appears to be a myth that getting a book published is like winning the lottery.  Here's the reality: most books actually lose money.  By the time that you pay for editing, printing, and marketing you will be bankrupt unless you sell enough books to absorb those costs.  Even if you strictly publish eBooks to avoid the printing costs you still have considerable up front costs that you may never recover.  This is why publishers reject even well written books: because they know that if they can't sell enough copies to cover their expenses that the book is going to cost them money.  Books that don't make money also don't pay royalties to the author.So my first message to those who want to be a writer is to make sure that this is what you really want to do because this is a very difficult industry.  In fact, it's probably easier to become a rock star.  After all, there are no reality TV shows called "American Author" where writers compete for a publishing contract.  But maybe there should be...

The Beet Chips

One of my favorite pastimes is making up band names.  See my previous posts

Why You Shouldn't Make Siri Angry

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend, whom I'll identify as Pamela in order to protect her identity. Pamela disclosed to me that she's pretty sure that Siri (the new iPhone voice recognition technology) has it in for her.  There are some personalities that just don't hit it off and when these personalities are forced together for a period of time bad things happen.  This is my friend Pamela and Siri.  She demonstrated repeated attempts to get Siri to text, email, or call someone. Pamela's conversation went something like this:Pamela: Call Amy.Siri: Your music library is empty.Pamela: Find coffee shops.Siri: Dialing the IRS "Please Audit Me" department.Pamela: @#$%&@#!!!Siri: Calling your mother because I know you haven't talked to her in a month since she told you that your thighs looked heavy in that skirt.Pamela: Text Bob.Siri: Locating all nearby porn retailers.Then Pamela gave me her phone and I gave Siri a similar series of commands. Siri responded immediately and correctly to my requests.  I even told Siri to "find fun" and she came up with a list of 25 "fun" places nearby in less that 3 seconds and over half of them had a full service bar.So what can we learn from this?  Be nice to Siri.  She has a lot of power.

One Ring to Rule them All

People who know me also know that I'm health conscious. I exercise 6 days a week and usually eat a low fat/ high fiber diet.  However, last weekend my husband and I decided to take a day off from our good behaviors.  This is when I suddenly discovered the magical powers of onion rings.First of all, onion rings are naturally formed in the shape of a circle: the symbol of perfection.  It shows the past connecting with the future.  Like a wedding ring, the onion ring is a symbol of the eternal nature of things, such as cholesterol.Secondly, onion rings are golden: the color of wealth and prosperity.  This further connotes the regal nature of the food and enhances the connection between eating onion rings and getting rich.  How do you think Burger King became king when he has no kingdom?  Hint: they sell onion rings there.  McDonald's doesn't sell them and Ronald is just a clown.  Coincidence?  Probably not.Lastly, onions are a vegetable.  This makes them healthy.  Further, they are often eaten with ketchup, which is another vegetable.  Double healthy!  In fact, people who eat onion rings may live longer than people who think they're too good to eat onion rings.  Plus, if you eat enough onion rings your breath will knock out potential attackers and kill just about any germ.  Added bonus. So from where I sit, there really is only one ring to rule them all.  And it is beer batter fried.

Things My Dog Hates

There are certain things my dog despises and, given my dog's strong sensible nature and excellent judge of character, I must also question the things that she abhors. I'm not saying that she's a genius.  She simply has a sixth sense that provides her with an uncanny ability to identify the sinister nature of specific matters.  Like my ex husband.  She barks viciously whenever he comes anywhere close to the house.  There are some things that dogs just know by instinct.With this in mind, I've compiled a list of things she hates so that the rest of us may learn from her.  These may be things that the rest of us would do well to avoid.1.) Crows.  I'm pretty sure my dog drops the F-bomb in doggie talk when she sees them.  Other birds seem to be fine, but crows make her rush forward, jump in the air and scream "get the @#$% outta here!!!"2.) Dogs on television. They really have no business being there.  Sort of like the Kardashians.  3.) Small portions.  When I feed her a tiny sample I always get the annoyed look that says "Do I look stupid? Because I know there's at least a pound of brie on that counter, only two of us, and this little micron is not 50% of said quantity."4.) Flies.  A no brainer: flies are attracted to some of the most unsanitary places.  Like reality TV shows.  5.) The vacuum cleaner.  She probably learned this one from me because I hate vacuuming.  I think her goal is to attack and break it so that I don't ever have to vacuum again.  That's loyalty. Genius!This has been a public service message from my dog.  BTW she is over 70 lbs and has extremely strong jaws, so you might want to pay attention.

Patron Saint of Metal Music and Corporate Logic

Today is All Saint's Day.  Some of you already know that I have unofficially dubbed Megadeth founder and frontman Dave Mustaine as the patron saint of metal music and corporate logic.  Why?  Because to survive in the corporate world you really need a "metal" attitude.  Please see my previous post on Dave for more background on why I've given him these titles.
So in honor of our Patron Saint... here's today's Daily Dave post:

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Creepy Things

In honor of Halloween, I've compiled a list of things that I find creepy.  So read on and feel the chill run up and down your spine... and hope that the tingling on your scalp isn't squirrels nesting in your hair.1. Clowns.  This one is  a no brainer and I can't explain it any better than the Simpson's or Steven King, so I'll just leave it at that.  Although John Connolly wrote one of the best horror short stories about this topic. Check it out if you like that sort of thing - it's in his book "Nocturnes." 2. Doll heads, particularly the severed kind.  In fact, when I was a teenager I used to pop the head off a barbie and dangle it by the hair to watch my best friend freak out.  But I always kept the eyes facing away from me.  I'm not stupid.3. Pencil mustaches.  Nothing says "child molester" quite like a pencil mustache.4. Bradford pears.  Whores.  All of them.5. Small children who won't go to bed on time.  This is mostly because I hallucinate under the effects of sleep deprivation.  I'm convinced that my own children were miniature researchers doing sleep deprivation experiments on me.  I don't know where they put all the data they collected, but I know it wasn't in their diapers because I searched them thoroughly.  Upon reflection, that location probably would have been too obvious.  But I digress.6. Bad vocalists.  Especially the kind who don't know that they're tone deaf and still insist on getting up in front of a crowd.  Great.  Now that I've thought about this I won't sleep tonight because I'll be afraid of having karaoke dreams.7. The inside of the mind of anyone who would willingly run for political office. There should be public service announcements such as: "This is your brain.  This is your brain drunk on the thought of having power and not understanding the full and eternal consequences to the rest of your own life or that of your family members.  This is a bad walnut, shriveled and black and a little smelly.  No.  Switch the last two."Now think about what you find creepy and enjoy the scare.  Happy Halloween!