Amy Neftzger's Blog, page 16
August 2, 2011
All I Want From Modern Science
Scientists are busy researching all kinds of things. Some of these studies I really wonder about, such as whether or not people sleep more when they're depressed (seriously - someone had to do a study to know this was true?). I won't even get into all the completely absurd government funded studies out there. Instead, I'm going to discuss the things I want Science to validate or prove within my lifetime. These are things that would make life better for almost everyone, so they're worth the time and funding it will take to prove them.
So here's my list of scientific facts that I would like proven to be true:
1. Coffee is a miracle food. In fact, it's so good for you that you can't get enough of it. I'm not really sure what it does, it's just so awesome that doctors will stop recommending that people drink water and will start recommending coffee.
2. Drinking tequila reverses gray hair back to it's youthful color. Maybe it removes wrinkles, too.
3. Bacon makes you smarter. After this finding is published people will then have a choice: Do you want to be skinny or smart? That's free will.
4. Beer saves marriages. Especially dark beer. The more beer you drink the happier your marriage will be. If you don't like beer then wine is an acceptable substitute. I put this one in here for my husband since he loves beer. Do you see how happy it makes him to be married to me because I put this on this list? Science, I'm giving you data here. This is a freebie. You can thank me later. However, I can't do everything for you -- so get moving!
5. Cinnamon rolls with icing cure cancer. They just should. Cancer is horrible so the cure should be wonderful.
6. Dogs hold the keys to the ultimate truths of the universe. I really like this one because I trust dogs. They're very reliable. However, scientists will never be able to uncover this truth because they don't know how to roll on the floor or scratch behind the ears correctly. Dogs don't tell their secrets to just anyone, you know - especially the secrets of the Universe.
7. Cheese cleanses the soul. In fact, the stinkier the cheese the better it works. No one can harbor hatred or feel ill will when they're tasting a great cheese. It's impossible. And if you share that stinky cheese with friends the effect is even stronger. Especially if that friend is me. So stop worrying abut your arteries and start worrying about your soul.
8. Lingerie models are really robots. That's the real secret that Victoria is hiding. Nothing human could possibly be that thin and pouty all the time.
9. You are more likely to get promoted or get a salary increase on your current job if you eat chocolate every day. It's like a vitamin for your wallet. Don't go broke. Grab a bon-bon for the sake of financial security.
10. Fajita Nachos and Margaritas are the cure for the common cold.
I think that should keep science busy for awhile. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for science to tell me what I want to hear. After all, corporations do it all the time and manage to get funding for it.
So here's my list of scientific facts that I would like proven to be true:
1. Coffee is a miracle food. In fact, it's so good for you that you can't get enough of it. I'm not really sure what it does, it's just so awesome that doctors will stop recommending that people drink water and will start recommending coffee.
2. Drinking tequila reverses gray hair back to it's youthful color. Maybe it removes wrinkles, too.
3. Bacon makes you smarter. After this finding is published people will then have a choice: Do you want to be skinny or smart? That's free will.
4. Beer saves marriages. Especially dark beer. The more beer you drink the happier your marriage will be. If you don't like beer then wine is an acceptable substitute. I put this one in here for my husband since he loves beer. Do you see how happy it makes him to be married to me because I put this on this list? Science, I'm giving you data here. This is a freebie. You can thank me later. However, I can't do everything for you -- so get moving!
5. Cinnamon rolls with icing cure cancer. They just should. Cancer is horrible so the cure should be wonderful.
6. Dogs hold the keys to the ultimate truths of the universe. I really like this one because I trust dogs. They're very reliable. However, scientists will never be able to uncover this truth because they don't know how to roll on the floor or scratch behind the ears correctly. Dogs don't tell their secrets to just anyone, you know - especially the secrets of the Universe.
7. Cheese cleanses the soul. In fact, the stinkier the cheese the better it works. No one can harbor hatred or feel ill will when they're tasting a great cheese. It's impossible. And if you share that stinky cheese with friends the effect is even stronger. Especially if that friend is me. So stop worrying abut your arteries and start worrying about your soul.
8. Lingerie models are really robots. That's the real secret that Victoria is hiding. Nothing human could possibly be that thin and pouty all the time.
9. You are more likely to get promoted or get a salary increase on your current job if you eat chocolate every day. It's like a vitamin for your wallet. Don't go broke. Grab a bon-bon for the sake of financial security.
10. Fajita Nachos and Margaritas are the cure for the common cold.
I think that should keep science busy for awhile. I'm not asking for much. I'm just asking for science to tell me what I want to hear. After all, corporations do it all the time and manage to get funding for it.
July 26, 2011
Summer NAMM 2011
Last week I attended the Summer NAMM (The National Association of Music Merchants) show here in Nashville. This is the show where a ton of music vendors come and whore their wares to music stores, artists, and other unsuspecting buyers of musical merchandise. I leaned a lot while I was there. For example, guitarists need special lotion and if they don't use it their hands will not channel their soulfulness into their music accordingly. The irony is that I thought I was a terrible guitarist. Turns out I was just using the wrong hand lotion.
In addition, I had no idea how much musical kitsch was out there. I'm not talking about bags, shirts, and other stuff with logos on it. I'm talking about really tacky useless things like pick holders shaped like a pewter dragon and playing cards with sharps and flats on them.
The great part about the show is that a lot of the instrument vendors set up drum sets and cymbals and they shove sticks into your hands as you walk by them. You can try the latest models of drums and percussion instruments from just about every brand out there. This is how I learned one of the most important lessons at the NAMM show: sitting behind the wrong drum set can make you look fat. So here are a few tips to help my fellow drummers look good on stage:
1. Choose the right color of drums. Dark drums are slimming. Avoid spiral designs or anything with stripes, regardless of whether the stripes are vertical or horizontal.
2. You need a pretty low BMI to pull off white drums. Avoid them unless you're already exceptionally thin.
3. The larger the drums, the thinner you look sitting behind them. If you're a portly drummer, you may also want to consider adding extra toms because you will look smaller when dwarfed by the volume around you.
If you are particularly self conscious of your weight, add a gong behind you. Large gongs will distract the audience from your waistline. The shimmer can also be hypnotic to viewers.
Cymbals represent who you are. These are the accessories that no drummer can live without. Large glossy symbols are the most slimming, but take into account the color and finish of your drums so that the cymbals don't clash.
Finally, once you've narrowed down your choice of drums based on these criteria, you can then listen to how they sound.
Enough of this fun. What I really learned at NAMM is that there are much better sounding cymbals out there than the ones I'm currently using. I now suffer from cymbal envy. However, therapy for this condition can be quite expensive. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's cheaper just to buy some really nice cymbals. Problem solved.
In addition, I had no idea how much musical kitsch was out there. I'm not talking about bags, shirts, and other stuff with logos on it. I'm talking about really tacky useless things like pick holders shaped like a pewter dragon and playing cards with sharps and flats on them.
The great part about the show is that a lot of the instrument vendors set up drum sets and cymbals and they shove sticks into your hands as you walk by them. You can try the latest models of drums and percussion instruments from just about every brand out there. This is how I learned one of the most important lessons at the NAMM show: sitting behind the wrong drum set can make you look fat. So here are a few tips to help my fellow drummers look good on stage:
1. Choose the right color of drums. Dark drums are slimming. Avoid spiral designs or anything with stripes, regardless of whether the stripes are vertical or horizontal.
2. You need a pretty low BMI to pull off white drums. Avoid them unless you're already exceptionally thin.
3. The larger the drums, the thinner you look sitting behind them. If you're a portly drummer, you may also want to consider adding extra toms because you will look smaller when dwarfed by the volume around you.
If you are particularly self conscious of your weight, add a gong behind you. Large gongs will distract the audience from your waistline. The shimmer can also be hypnotic to viewers.
Cymbals represent who you are. These are the accessories that no drummer can live without. Large glossy symbols are the most slimming, but take into account the color and finish of your drums so that the cymbals don't clash.
Finally, once you've narrowed down your choice of drums based on these criteria, you can then listen to how they sound.
Enough of this fun. What I really learned at NAMM is that there are much better sounding cymbals out there than the ones I'm currently using. I now suffer from cymbal envy. However, therapy for this condition can be quite expensive. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's cheaper just to buy some really nice cymbals. Problem solved.
July 19, 2011
More Band Names
I've been pretty busy with my band Lucky Munk, so I've fallen behind on a few things. By the way, a clean house is a luxury and not a necessity. Also, deadlines on things like book manuscripts really should be flexible if the author is in a band.
So, since I've been busy with my band I thought that this week I would share a few more of the band names I've developed that have yet to be adopted by the up and coming in the music scene. So here they are.
The Deadbeats
This is a group of unemployed drummers. Their slogan: "We may be lifeless, but we've got rhythm."
Preposterous
This was my first choice for my own band before I was told that it was "too difficult to spell." But think about introducing the band during gigs: "Thank you, Ladies and Gentleman. We are Preposterous!" I still think it would make a great name.
The Hollow Bodies
A group of zombie jazz guitarists. Sort of a Kiss thing, but with a jazzier sound and maybe less spandex. Or more spandex. Let me think about that one.
The Eclectrics
A techno-pop group that plays a wide variety of tunes and genres. They are eclectic and electric. I find that when you don't know what else to do just smash two similar words together and everything seems to work itself out. Sort of like puberty.
Rat Sass
This group probably has to be a metal band because the word "rat" doesn't work as well in other genres. However, this has the best marketing potential of all the names I've come up with so far. Slogan: "Show people you care about them and give them a Rat Sass CD." Say it out loud. You'll get it sooner or later. Rat Sass could probably tour with The Pancake Maggots.
For those of you who missed it, my first post on band names is
So, since I've been busy with my band I thought that this week I would share a few more of the band names I've developed that have yet to be adopted by the up and coming in the music scene. So here they are.
The Deadbeats
This is a group of unemployed drummers. Their slogan: "We may be lifeless, but we've got rhythm."
Preposterous
This was my first choice for my own band before I was told that it was "too difficult to spell." But think about introducing the band during gigs: "Thank you, Ladies and Gentleman. We are Preposterous!" I still think it would make a great name.
The Hollow Bodies
A group of zombie jazz guitarists. Sort of a Kiss thing, but with a jazzier sound and maybe less spandex. Or more spandex. Let me think about that one.
The Eclectrics
A techno-pop group that plays a wide variety of tunes and genres. They are eclectic and electric. I find that when you don't know what else to do just smash two similar words together and everything seems to work itself out. Sort of like puberty.
Rat Sass
This group probably has to be a metal band because the word "rat" doesn't work as well in other genres. However, this has the best marketing potential of all the names I've come up with so far. Slogan: "Show people you care about them and give them a Rat Sass CD." Say it out loud. You'll get it sooner or later. Rat Sass could probably tour with The Pancake Maggots.
For those of you who missed it, my first post on band names is
July 12, 2011
The Return of the Daily Dave
A few years ago I had a mailing list called The Daily Dave. Here's how it worked:
First I searched the Internet for quotes from Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine. Luckily, Dave has done a lot of interviews so there's plenty of material out there. Next, I took the quote out of context and applied it to a business situation. In other words, I would quote Dave's words precisely but way out of context.
Why did I do this? First of all, the results were pretty hilarious. Secondly, Metal music and the business world have far more in common that one would initially think. See my last post for more on this topic. In fact, I would love to get with Dave and write a book on the subject. So without further ado and in response to the fans of the Daily Dave who are reading this blog, this week I'm posting this just for you.
A short disclaimer to loyal fans of the Daily Dave who really want it back: The Daily Dave is not permanently returning. But it may periodically visit this blog. After all, the Daily Dave and I spent several years together. We've bonded. So without further ado... see below and witness the magic and wisdom of the Daily Dave:
And maybe just one more for fun:
First I searched the Internet for quotes from Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine. Luckily, Dave has done a lot of interviews so there's plenty of material out there. Next, I took the quote out of context and applied it to a business situation. In other words, I would quote Dave's words precisely but way out of context.
Why did I do this? First of all, the results were pretty hilarious. Secondly, Metal music and the business world have far more in common that one would initially think. See my last post for more on this topic. In fact, I would love to get with Dave and write a book on the subject. So without further ado and in response to the fans of the Daily Dave who are reading this blog, this week I'm posting this just for you.
A short disclaimer to loyal fans of the Daily Dave who really want it back: The Daily Dave is not permanently returning. But it may periodically visit this blog. After all, the Daily Dave and I spent several years together. We've bonded. So without further ado... see below and witness the magic and wisdom of the Daily Dave:
And maybe just one more for fun:
July 5, 2011
What Spinal Tap Has to Teach Us About Business
There are a lot of business books out there with a self-proclaimed experts telling us what we should or shouldn't do in the corporate world. However, in my 20 years of experience I've discovered that the best business advice comes from the school of Metal and the movie Spinal Tap serves as an excellent example of these principles.
What Spinal Tap has to teach us about business:
1. Don't jump into bed with the first company that asks for a merger. You could wind up with herpes. Sure some companies and their profit margins look enticing. But what other diseases will they bring into your culture or financial statements?
2. You may lose your drummer repeatedly, but the show will go on (as much as I hate to admit it). Some people may appear to be instrumental to your success (pun intended). However, in business everyone is replaceable. In fact, I've discovered that the people who appear irreplaceable are more skilled in promoting their value than in actually providing value to the organization. Thus, the people who appear to be essential to your success may be the least valuable of all your employees. Perceived value and actual value are two different things. A well structured and healthy organization is not dependent upon a few key people. If you think that your organization is going to crumble if you lose specific people, then it's very likely to crumble even if those people stay.
3. You can detail all your plans and track progress, but a simple thing like one little typo can have a dramatic effect and leave you with a tiny, toy Stonehendge instead of the dramatic prop you intended. No one should be too proud to have their work checked. It's easy to overlook small details that can make a big difference. In fact, I appreciate my editors for helping me with these things because I know they make me look better (FYI - I am a notoriously poor typist and make horrendous typing mistakes all the time). So build this into your project timelines and don't just concern yourself with getting a product to market quickly. Speed is not an acceptable alternative to accuracy.
4. Someone is going to get trapped in the pod eventually. Insert "boiler room" or "creative accounting error" in place of "pod." All the same. Sooner or later we all wind up in a situation that we didn't create. Remember this when you decide to play the blame game. It's always better to simply solve the problem and move on than to worry about finding someone to pay the price for a mistake. You could just as easily wind up in a pod that you didn't build and be blamed for not emerging on stage on cue.
P.S. For those of you who were looking for a Daily Dave in this post... this is merely a prelude. For those of you who don't know about the Daily Dave, please check back next week for an explanation and example.
What Spinal Tap has to teach us about business:
1. Don't jump into bed with the first company that asks for a merger. You could wind up with herpes. Sure some companies and their profit margins look enticing. But what other diseases will they bring into your culture or financial statements?
2. You may lose your drummer repeatedly, but the show will go on (as much as I hate to admit it). Some people may appear to be instrumental to your success (pun intended). However, in business everyone is replaceable. In fact, I've discovered that the people who appear irreplaceable are more skilled in promoting their value than in actually providing value to the organization. Thus, the people who appear to be essential to your success may be the least valuable of all your employees. Perceived value and actual value are two different things. A well structured and healthy organization is not dependent upon a few key people. If you think that your organization is going to crumble if you lose specific people, then it's very likely to crumble even if those people stay.
3. You can detail all your plans and track progress, but a simple thing like one little typo can have a dramatic effect and leave you with a tiny, toy Stonehendge instead of the dramatic prop you intended. No one should be too proud to have their work checked. It's easy to overlook small details that can make a big difference. In fact, I appreciate my editors for helping me with these things because I know they make me look better (FYI - I am a notoriously poor typist and make horrendous typing mistakes all the time). So build this into your project timelines and don't just concern yourself with getting a product to market quickly. Speed is not an acceptable alternative to accuracy.
4. Someone is going to get trapped in the pod eventually. Insert "boiler room" or "creative accounting error" in place of "pod." All the same. Sooner or later we all wind up in a situation that we didn't create. Remember this when you decide to play the blame game. It's always better to simply solve the problem and move on than to worry about finding someone to pay the price for a mistake. You could just as easily wind up in a pod that you didn't build and be blamed for not emerging on stage on cue.
P.S. For those of you who were looking for a Daily Dave in this post... this is merely a prelude. For those of you who don't know about the Daily Dave, please check back next week for an explanation and example.
June 28, 2011
My Birthday Wish List
My birthday just passed and several people asked me what I wanted as a gift (I don't judge my friends by timeliness). I'm putting together a list list because even if you don't know me you may know someone like me and this could be a great resource for gift ideas. For those of you who already bought me a gift, bookmark this for next year.
So here's my list:
1. Cicadas to be gone for good. They didn't listen to my advice in my previous blog, so quite frankly I'm getting a little tired of the bad house guests. Plus their grubs are ugly.
2. A cold front, preferably with snow. Yes, I know it's June and that's what makes this such a great gift. If I asked for this in December it wouldn't mean as much. The bottom line: How much do you love me?
3. Move Boston closer to Nashville. I like visiting that city but don't get there very often because it's so far away. If someone moved it closer I could visit more often.
4. Write a song with Paul McCartney. And maybe have lunch.
5. I want my dog to be in charge of customer service everywhere I shop. She knows how to put things in order and she has a strong desire to see me happy. This makes her my ideal salesperson. Plus she might bite other customers I find annoying. That's a bonus.
Well, this list should get you started. You have an entire year to make the appropriate arrangements, so I won't be accepting excuses. And while I'm on the subject of arrangements, I'd just like to add that I will be turning 21 again next year so my husband will be taking me out drinking to celebrate this milestone (as he does every year, God bless him!). Since my daughter will not be old enough to be our designated driver for another year we'll be looking for a volunteer for this position. A valid driver's license is required.
So here's my list:
1. Cicadas to be gone for good. They didn't listen to my advice in my previous blog, so quite frankly I'm getting a little tired of the bad house guests. Plus their grubs are ugly.
2. A cold front, preferably with snow. Yes, I know it's June and that's what makes this such a great gift. If I asked for this in December it wouldn't mean as much. The bottom line: How much do you love me?
3. Move Boston closer to Nashville. I like visiting that city but don't get there very often because it's so far away. If someone moved it closer I could visit more often.
4. Write a song with Paul McCartney. And maybe have lunch.
5. I want my dog to be in charge of customer service everywhere I shop. She knows how to put things in order and she has a strong desire to see me happy. This makes her my ideal salesperson. Plus she might bite other customers I find annoying. That's a bonus.
Well, this list should get you started. You have an entire year to make the appropriate arrangements, so I won't be accepting excuses. And while I'm on the subject of arrangements, I'd just like to add that I will be turning 21 again next year so my husband will be taking me out drinking to celebrate this milestone (as he does every year, God bless him!). Since my daughter will not be old enough to be our designated driver for another year we'll be looking for a volunteer for this position. A valid driver's license is required.
June 14, 2011
My First Vocal Recording Session
I spent last Saturday in the studio with my band Lucky Munk assisting the engineer and producer with vocal tracks for our first recording. I wasn't singing (so you can all relax), but as the drummer in the group I was allowed into the session to provide creative input. So I made my input as creative as I could.
First of all, I gave good tips on tonal quality to the vocalist such as "You sounded a little like Kermit the Frog on that take" and "I'm still hearing Kermittone in your voice" or "I need a little more Fozzy here." The Muppets are universal, by the way, so they provide an excellent reference for making a point. I also gave good advice such as "How about if you sing the lyrics on the sheet in front of you?" And I made sure to be supportive and told the vocalist how hot his butt looks when he's singing because you've got to keep building the vocalist's confidence no matter how much he asks, "but how did I sound?"
One of the coolest things about being in the studio is that on the computer you can see the sound waves as they're being created on every take. As a visual person, I loved this. These were like little Rorschach ribbons endlessly spooling. We voted on which take was the best and while other people would say "number 4" or "number 7" I kept in mind that I was there for creative input and said, "I like the one that looks like two birds kissing" or "the one that looks like an evil sandwich."
While we were recording, I also took the opportunity to ask a lot of questions of the Producer, such as, "Why do you take another aspirin after every time I speak?" (The answer, by the way, was "You have a natural ability to remind me that I need to reduce my stress level.). And, "Are those really aspirin? Because I don't think you should be taking so many of them." He just smiled politely, so I'm not sure how well he speaks English. He didn't have an accent, but you can never tell.
Another tip in case you're ever in the control room during a recording session. The producer likes it when you agree with him. He kept mentioning (and at odd times, like when things were very intense) that it would be nice if we had someone who could run to Starbucks and get coffee such as someone who was not producing or engineering. I always agreed and said, "Yes, it's too bad we don't have someone like that who also isn't providing creative input." Then the producer and engineer would smile at each other and that's how I knew that I was doing the right thing by agreeing with him.
I was not in the control room on Sunday when guitar parts were recorded. Apparently, they had all the creative input they could handle for one weekend.
Here's the link to the song we finished. WARNING: The contents of this MP3 may contain elements of Jazz and/or Blues. Listeners sensitive to these harmonies should proceed with caution. If you or someone in the room with you is adversely affected by the sound of a hollow body guitar, you may want to turn down the volume before clicking the link.
You can also go to our FaceBook page and leave comments on what you liked or didn't like about the song. We really do want some feedback. And if you like what we're doing or feel that the drums sound awesome, please also "like" our Facebook page. We appreciate it.
First of all, I gave good tips on tonal quality to the vocalist such as "You sounded a little like Kermit the Frog on that take" and "I'm still hearing Kermittone in your voice" or "I need a little more Fozzy here." The Muppets are universal, by the way, so they provide an excellent reference for making a point. I also gave good advice such as "How about if you sing the lyrics on the sheet in front of you?" And I made sure to be supportive and told the vocalist how hot his butt looks when he's singing because you've got to keep building the vocalist's confidence no matter how much he asks, "but how did I sound?"
One of the coolest things about being in the studio is that on the computer you can see the sound waves as they're being created on every take. As a visual person, I loved this. These were like little Rorschach ribbons endlessly spooling. We voted on which take was the best and while other people would say "number 4" or "number 7" I kept in mind that I was there for creative input and said, "I like the one that looks like two birds kissing" or "the one that looks like an evil sandwich."
While we were recording, I also took the opportunity to ask a lot of questions of the Producer, such as, "Why do you take another aspirin after every time I speak?" (The answer, by the way, was "You have a natural ability to remind me that I need to reduce my stress level.). And, "Are those really aspirin? Because I don't think you should be taking so many of them." He just smiled politely, so I'm not sure how well he speaks English. He didn't have an accent, but you can never tell.
Another tip in case you're ever in the control room during a recording session. The producer likes it when you agree with him. He kept mentioning (and at odd times, like when things were very intense) that it would be nice if we had someone who could run to Starbucks and get coffee such as someone who was not producing or engineering. I always agreed and said, "Yes, it's too bad we don't have someone like that who also isn't providing creative input." Then the producer and engineer would smile at each other and that's how I knew that I was doing the right thing by agreeing with him.
I was not in the control room on Sunday when guitar parts were recorded. Apparently, they had all the creative input they could handle for one weekend.
Here's the link to the song we finished. WARNING: The contents of this MP3 may contain elements of Jazz and/or Blues. Listeners sensitive to these harmonies should proceed with caution. If you or someone in the room with you is adversely affected by the sound of a hollow body guitar, you may want to turn down the volume before clicking the link.
You can also go to our FaceBook page and leave comments on what you liked or didn't like about the song. We really do want some feedback. And if you like what we're doing or feel that the drums sound awesome, please also "like" our Facebook page. We appreciate it.
June 10, 2011
Some People Call It an "Accident" I Call It "Genetics."
Last night I was taking my daughter to a political roundtable discussion (you know how teenagers love those things). As we were walking into the building we were in a crosswalk with a crowd of other people when a hotel van suddenly lurched into reverse and slammed into my left shoulder knocking me over. I immediately recalled that a ery similar event happened to me almost exactly 20 years ago when I was crossing the street in downtown Nashville and a city bus swerved into the crosswalk hitting me in the left shoulder.
In both of these instances I was in a crowd where no one else was hit but me and I was in the area designated for pedestrians crossing with traffic. I also recalled that my grandfather was killed when he was walking on the side of a country road where the only car within miles swerved off the road to knock him 25 feet into a corn field.
So this started me thinking. It must be genetic. In both cases where I was hit no one else in the crowd was touched, but my left shoulder was irresistible to the vehicle in question. The car that killed my grandfather had to leave the road to hit him. Magnetic attraction. So, like my grandfather, moving vehicles are drawn to something in my blood that makes them want to touch me hard enough that I notice them. Quite frankly, I'm flattered. However, that doesn't mean that I will be less cautious. They may be affectionate, but they're still dangerous.
The only other explanation I can think of is that my left shoulder has an uncontrollable addiction to moving vehicles. Possible. But unlikely. I'm going with genetics on this one.
In both of these instances I was in a crowd where no one else was hit but me and I was in the area designated for pedestrians crossing with traffic. I also recalled that my grandfather was killed when he was walking on the side of a country road where the only car within miles swerved off the road to knock him 25 feet into a corn field.
So this started me thinking. It must be genetic. In both cases where I was hit no one else in the crowd was touched, but my left shoulder was irresistible to the vehicle in question. The car that killed my grandfather had to leave the road to hit him. Magnetic attraction. So, like my grandfather, moving vehicles are drawn to something in my blood that makes them want to touch me hard enough that I notice them. Quite frankly, I'm flattered. However, that doesn't mean that I will be less cautious. They may be affectionate, but they're still dangerous.
The only other explanation I can think of is that my left shoulder has an uncontrollable addiction to moving vehicles. Possible. But unlikely. I'm going with genetics on this one.
June 2, 2011
Advice for Cicadas
I have a little neighborly advice for the Cicadas who have recently moved into my neighborhood. I know that some people are really upset with the little guys, so I thought I might be of some assistance in helping them to acclimate to the world that has changed since their last visit 13 years ago. With a little effort, I think we can all get along here.
One of the key issues stems from a lack of understanding concerning politeness. Behaviors that are perfectly acceptable in entomological society may not be appropriate around humans and vice versa. So when you weigh the appropriateness of my advice, please remember that we are in the South and that manners matter here. It can make a huge impact on how well you're accepted. Bear this in mind as you read on.
First of all, swarming is not considered attractive in polite society. It shows a complete disregard for personal space. Unless you're a hot looking groupie (subjective, I know) falling all over a rock star, swarming is generally not a desirable trait. Keep a little space and try to avoid accidentally flying into the orifices of strangers (unless the stranger is a rock star who likes that sort of thing).
Next, try to keep the noise down. I don't speak your language or know what you're saying, but everyone clicking at once creates more tension and confusion. So try not to talk all at once because you sound like a giant, drunk rattlesnake when you do this. In fact, your conversations often sound like a frat party with maracas.
Eating decorative plants, dropping your larvae in public places, molting where people may be eating, and dying en masse on someone's front porch are all behaviors which are generally frowned upon. In addition, simply showing up every thirteen years is not the same as calling ahead for a reservation.
I know that this can be overwhelming all at once, so to help you keep track of appropriate and inappropriate behavior I have constructed a simple list below:
Dive bombing cars by hurling yourself at them on the interstate: Not polite.
Eating decorative wreaths: Not polite
Flying down a shirt without an invitation: Not polite.
Dying in large groups on your neighbors porch: Not polite.
Calling ahead for a reservation to swarm trees: Polite.
Dressing up for dinner: Polite
Playing "Quiet Mouse" for your entire six week visit: Polite
Wearing mascara to tone down your ghoulishly orange eyeballs: Polite
Keeping your pincers to yourself at all times: Polite
In summary, Cicadas, if you want to be welcomed on your next visit, try some traditional courtesy. The results can be lifechanging. For example, instead of thinking of you as a nuisance, some people might even think you were cool.
One of the key issues stems from a lack of understanding concerning politeness. Behaviors that are perfectly acceptable in entomological society may not be appropriate around humans and vice versa. So when you weigh the appropriateness of my advice, please remember that we are in the South and that manners matter here. It can make a huge impact on how well you're accepted. Bear this in mind as you read on.
First of all, swarming is not considered attractive in polite society. It shows a complete disregard for personal space. Unless you're a hot looking groupie (subjective, I know) falling all over a rock star, swarming is generally not a desirable trait. Keep a little space and try to avoid accidentally flying into the orifices of strangers (unless the stranger is a rock star who likes that sort of thing).
Next, try to keep the noise down. I don't speak your language or know what you're saying, but everyone clicking at once creates more tension and confusion. So try not to talk all at once because you sound like a giant, drunk rattlesnake when you do this. In fact, your conversations often sound like a frat party with maracas.
Eating decorative plants, dropping your larvae in public places, molting where people may be eating, and dying en masse on someone's front porch are all behaviors which are generally frowned upon. In addition, simply showing up every thirteen years is not the same as calling ahead for a reservation.
I know that this can be overwhelming all at once, so to help you keep track of appropriate and inappropriate behavior I have constructed a simple list below:
Dive bombing cars by hurling yourself at them on the interstate: Not polite.
Eating decorative wreaths: Not polite
Flying down a shirt without an invitation: Not polite.
Dying in large groups on your neighbors porch: Not polite.
Calling ahead for a reservation to swarm trees: Polite.
Dressing up for dinner: Polite
Playing "Quiet Mouse" for your entire six week visit: Polite
Wearing mascara to tone down your ghoulishly orange eyeballs: Polite
Keeping your pincers to yourself at all times: Polite
In summary, Cicadas, if you want to be welcomed on your next visit, try some traditional courtesy. The results can be lifechanging. For example, instead of thinking of you as a nuisance, some people might even think you were cool.
May 24, 2011
When Rebranding Doesn't Work
I recently came across a company where the IT Helpdesk had been internally rebranded and the name changed several times over the past 6 or 8 years. The department first decided to eliminate the term "helpdesk" from their name because the internal customers had started referring to them as the "no-helpdesk." They later again changed the department name to "Internal Services for Information Technology" because they wanted to emphasize the service aspect of their role in the organization. It wasn't long before employees began referring to the department as "i-Shit" by adding an H into the acronym. Does anyone else see the real issue here?The problem was never with the department name. The real issues were the processes and actions that created the negative connotations. These were never fully addressed inn the rebranding efforts. Sure there was customer services training and service metrics were implemented. But the department employees reverted back to their old behavior and found ways to push their service numbers because they were quantity driven and not quality ratings. The attitude and culture of the department stayed the same, so they maintained the same level of customer service (or lack of it) they always had in the past.So, long story short: we can change our terms and educate our employees or customers, but if we don't change the processes then we're wasting time and money in order to rebrand something that will sooner or later carry the connotation of the old brand again. Because it's the same thing. And people are smart enough to figure that out.Remember:Good rebranding does't try to convince people that something isn't what it really is. Or that it is what it isn't. People can see through semantic games. Certain cable and phone companies may want to save this post and re-read it from time to time. I'm not mentioning any names because they will probably change them in their next rebranding effort, anyway.
