Vivian Probst's Blog, page 3

Marital Martial Art #6: The Need to Control Your Spouse

Some of us are control freaks; some of us aren’t. Most of us wish we could control something in our lives and some of us believe we actually can. Let’s talk about that person we live, eat, and sleep with (who is also pretty accessible) as a good candidate; i.e. spouse, significant other. Often that person is such a big factor in our world that we might feel as if our lives will be under our control if we can get them to live according to our personal set of rules. Some of us spend our lives trying.

Control is an illusion that helps us pretend that we can replace our insecurities with boundaries and rules. It can make us feel safer if we can just get others to play by our rules. Fear is the primary motivator…

I didn’t realize for many years that my propensity to leave Tom when I felt things were ‘out of control’ could have been a way to see if I could get him to conform to my rules, which I was completely unsuccessful at accomplishing. Then, when it wasn’t working, I had to choose whether to leave and find someone else to ‘man’-ipulate (good word) or to stay and try harder. Or I could give up control which wasn’t an option until Life showed me that control (fear) and freedom (love) could not co-exist.

Then Life gave me a graphically humorous illustration as I wrote the romantic comedy, ‘Death by Roses’. Control is death to a marriage because it robs us of our freedom. True love is only possible once we have learned self-love. That love then is dedicated to helping each other grow into his/her individual wholeness. It means a complete absence of the need to control and complete focus on assisting ourselves and our partners to flourish as our love for ourselves deepens which allows to love ‘the other’ more.

Those of us who have grown up with a sense of fear (often due to the unconscious influence of early childhood trauma) know no other way to function. If our parents were controlling, we may have absorbed their attitudes and actions as necessary for survival .Yes, sometimes we mistake the ability to control for love. I had to learn the difference during my second marriage.

Control is like an invasive weed that left on its own overtakes whatever we’ve planted in the garden of our lives and chokes the life out of it.

Clues that there might be control issues include:

Thinking I don’t have an issue with the need to control…
Telling someone how they need to behave in order to be loved by you (and vice versa). “I need you to…”
I love you, but…
“If you do (or don’t do) this or that, I will have to…” (insert consequences).

Tom and I were once friends with a couple that we enjoyed very much—we’ll call them Harry and Sally since we just watched that great movie over the holiday. I was best friends with Sally, but over the course of time I began to hear (Sally) telling me that (Harry) needed to change…or else. When Harry and Sally separated, Tom and I struggled to know what to do for them. You know…who’s side should we take; the grief of having to make such an unbelievable choice.

Then Harry showed me the list Sally had made for him—a set of rules to follow, or else.  Harry chose ‘or else’ and I can’t say I blame him. Love is not a discipline—it’s the highest calling of life for all of us. There is no such thing as ‘I’ll love you if…”. Our former friends might be an extreme example, but I found myself having my own inner set of rules for Tom. It took the discovery of ‘This One Thing That Changed Everything’ (as I talk about in my new memoir ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’) to transform our marriage.

In a different example, I have a long-time acquaintance who wants to have a loving relationship with a man. She has long admired Tom and me because we are deeper in love as time passes and she can see that. Perhaps she doesn’t realize that we’ve worked together and separately on our individual growth in order to ‘weed the garden’ so our love has grown.

My friend also has that set of rules that have kept her from having a successful relationship for over twenty years even with countless romantic encounters. Every one of them crashes and burns as it blows through her obstacle course.

I think it’s safe to say that sometimes our need to set standards for our most intimate partner robs us of the very love we say we cherish.

I also wonder if our need to set rules for our spouses to follow doesn’t come from our inability to see past the framework of our childhoods? It’s worth thinking about and when I learned ‘This One Thing That Changed Everything’, I relinquished my list of rules for Tom to live by and became captivated with learning to love my own self (I call it ‘Myoloy’ in my book, I Was a ‘Yo-Yo Wife’, due out by Valentine’s Day.) Watch for it on Amazon…

Happy New Year!

Vivian!

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The Truth About Breakthroughs

We’ve all had them—moments in life when something finally ‘hits’ or ‘strikes’ us with insight that transforms us in some way. And, as the words I’ve just used, these often follow some type of pain—a set of circumstances that creates chaos or suffering beyond what we can bear. It’s at that moment, as we collapse (or break), that the ‘through’ can find its way in.

It’s also called ‘letting go’ which is visually more appealing. But breakthroughs are typically preceded by some kind of pain.

What’s breaking? Old beliefs, strong habits, hard, crusty rules we’ve lived by and most delightfully of all, our inflexibilities. The ‘I always’ or ‘I nevers’ that we’ve clung to as if we’ll fall to our deaths if we release our grip on them. It’s only then that we realize how incredibly freeing it is to let go of them.

A number of years ago, on a Father’s Day as I recall, my husband and I and a couple who are dear friends decided to tackle the whitewater rapids of the Peshtigo River. My husband’s family has had a cabin on that river for over sixty years and no one in the family had ever taken the rafting trip. We’d watch others float by until on this particular day we decided to do it.

The four of us in our wetsuits drove to the rafting company site about three miles from the cabin. They let us choose from hordes of used tennis shoes left behind by former rafters. (I remember hoping that these were not the shoes of victims who had died during their experience).  It was not comforting when we had to sign a waiver that excused the company from any type of liability, or as we listened to the perilous warnings issued by the instructors.  The main thing I remembered was ‘if you fall out of the boat, keep your feet pointed toward the sky’.

It so happened that two of us did indeed leave the raft at the first major waterfall. I was terrified as I floated and kept telling myself, ‘Keep your feet up Vivian’. (I had no idea that half of the rafters fall out of their boats at this juncture, and that there’s a movie camera recording the event which they sell later).

What I learned from the video when I saw it was stunning. When I fell out of the boat, the friend who had fallen out with me was right behind me and we were both beside the boat. My husband was yelling for me to grab the oar he was holding out to me but I couldn’t hear him. I was inches from the boat, someone was right behind me to help me and all I could think about was keeping my feet pointed toward the sky so I wouldn’t die.  It was pretty funny. We still laugh about it.

OK. So an emotional breakthrough isn’t quite so funny, is it? But since I keep having these occurrences in life I’ve learned to actually let them happen because there is such relief on the other side. Screaming, wailing, cursing, lamenting—all these will pass if we let them—unless we can’t let go and get stuck in them.

When breakthroughs come, they bring incredible gifts—often the ability to see ourselves in a whole new light as we move on into a more wonderful life. By the way, ‘my husband is an asshole’ would not fall under the category of ‘insight’.

While everything appears to be breaking ‘down’, know that a more encouraging way to look at it is as ‘breaking through’ so that more light can come into our lives.

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Marital Martial Arts #5: Publicly Humiliate Your Spouse

Tom and I were on a ferry last week, returning from Uruguay to Argentina via the Rio Plato after a wonderful three-week vacation. We had breakfast served and were admiring the view of sailboats out on the water when out of the corner of my eye, I watched a woman being humiliated by a man. I didn’t know if they were married but I could tell simply by body language that he was putting her down.

Nothing speaks louder than body language. The man was swinging his arms with his fists closed, then crossing them defiantly. He would cut her off by looking at the newspaper he was reading instead of listening to her. There was a sneer on his face and he would roll his eyes as if he couldn’t believe anyone could be that stupid. While I couldn’t understand what he actions spoke eloquently.

Humiliation is never good for any relationship. Never–even if the ‘make up’ sex afterwards is dynamite. It’s a mirror that says, “This is how I feel about you right now because this is how I feel about myself.”

Body language is always accurate.

When Tom and I were on the plane to return to the US, we were seated side by side in a middle row. Another woman was seated to my left.

Without realizing that she could overhear us, we were snuggling up to each other and celebrating our wonderful vacation—we were probably even kissing.

“How long have you been married?” she asked me after a moment.

“Thirty years,” I told her. “We’re just ending a three-week vacation together.”

“Wow,” she told me. “My husband and I aren’t going to be feeling that way about each other when we reach thirty years of marriage, not to mention spending three weeks together. Ugh. Congratulations.”

I told her about the book I had just finished writing, (“I Was a ‘Yo-Yo Wife”) and what it taught me about how to have a long and happy marriage because before I learned how to love myself, my marriage didn’t have a prayer.

From my experience, it’s always best if I:

a) Work from a foundation of love that honors me and my wise choice of a spouse and expects the best from and for both of us;

b) Deal with my own feelings first if I find myself reacting negatively before assuming that my spouse meant to offend me;

c) Keep my communication with him private and remove myself from the heat of the moment.

In my marriage, if I’m offended (as I was at the airport on Sunday when Tom was calling my name as we were crossing the road and I couldn’t hear what he was saying so I stopped in the middle of the road which he thought was a pretty stupid thing to do and said so), I wait until we can be private (unless of course it’s life-threatening).

Once we were across the street and out of harm’s way, I said something like, “Let me be very clear. If you call my name when we are crossing the street, I’m going to stop because I don’t know if you’re trying to warn me that there’s a car ready to run over me, if I’m going the wrong way, if you’re having a heart attack, or whatever other reason you think I need to be in contact with you. Got it? You call my name? I stop dead in my tracks. That’s how it works, you gorgeous hunk of a man.”

That was it. The end of the conversation. We went lovingly on our way as the snow fel

l in huge flakes all around us. And the Packers won the football game.

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Marital Martial Arts #4: Let others know how unhappy you are with your spouse.

“If only he/she would (fill in the blank).”

This week’s blog is designed to raise consciousness about how easily we show our disapproval of our partner to them directly and to others without realizing it, especially when we’ve been married for a while. Trust me—spouses have excellent noses for that type of thing. Conversely, think about how often we don’t use the air freshener of appreciation when we can.

“I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change,” was an off-Broadway show I caught in New York City many years ago. It hits the target perfectly. “If only, if only, if only.”

We sometimes talk about how we feel by using odor. “Smells fishy to me.” “I smell a rat somewhere.” “That stinks!” When I am unhappy within my marriage, I can’t help but give off that aroma to others. It’s as if people can smell our feelings. (Animals can smell fear—I rest my case). There’s not much we can do about it except to get to the root of the stinky attitude.

OK. I agree. There are surprises all the time when people we thought were happily married end up getting divorced. The point here is that it’s important for me to notice my feelings by sniffing the air around any conversation about my spouse that’s not with my spouse and, I might add, is not worthy of the person I have chosen as my partner.

Most of the messages we give to others come through our body language so that even the words we speak give only a portion of the complete message. Try this sometime. Turn off the volume to a sitcom and figure out the mood. Before talking picture (i.e. movies), silent movies that were very effective at telling the story without any words.

I’m not suggesting that we be deceitful about our feelings or try to hide them from others. Not at all! But when mine get stinky (and they do—WHEW!) I’ve learned to go inside and fumigate. For me, the best way to do that is to consider what’s good about the very person (spouse) I’m offended by, and look for how they might be reflecting something that’s long-passed it’s ‘use by date’ in my life. (More to come on this topic when my non-fiction memoir ‘Yo-Yo Wife’ comes out next year!)

Challenge: Want to truly surprise your spouse? Start paying them honest compliments. Watch how they react.

When I started to do that my husband was suspicious, like, “What did they do with my wife…the one who complains about me all the time? What! I smell a rat!” He didn’t say that but I think he thought it, not that I know what he was thinking. But I do remember the time when he finally looked at me smiling and simply said “Thank you”. Oh, I’d better go, I smell a kiss!

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Marital Martial Arts #3: Accept no responsibility for your marital unhappiness

This marital martial art sounds very much like #1, but its focus was so powerful for me in my marriage that I had to include it.  In my first marriage, I felt absolutely stuck because I couldn’t get my husband to change.  There were other factors that led to our divorce as well but that sense that he wouldn’t change for me meant I would have to live unhappily ever after. I was trapped.

Here’s how I got over that when that same tendency showed up in my second marriage:  I embraced responsibility. At some point, when I saw that trying to change Husband #2 wasn’t working any better than for Husband #1 (and I really, really wanted my second marriage to work), somehow I got it that perhaps I was part of the problem. Stunning!

Be careful…it’s easy to go from blaming others 100% to blaming ourselves 100%, which is no better. Please notice the title of this blog doesn’t include the word ‘blame’; it’s ‘responsibility’ and what is responsibility but the ‘ability to respond? (Some of us think that it means we’re to carry the world on our shoulders, which doesn’t help either). ‘Responsibility’ and ‘blame’ are not the same thing.  I love the word ‘responsibility’ because it suggests that there’s something I can do about the situation.

Once I learned the difference, I was able to begin to creatively change my response to my husband. The results were astounding.  If we are not happy in our marriages, let’s ask ourselves what WE can do about it—and have some fun again!

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Begin Your Own Creative Journey

We interrupt the 10 Marital Martial Arts with this idea for those of you who know you have something creative and wonderful that feels like it’s bursting inside you but you don’t know how to get it out…

This past Saturday I attended ‘Festifall’ in Lakewood, WI and had a book display which brought wonderful people to my booth where I was featuring ‘Death by Roses’. There’s a marvelous Shoppe in Lakewood known as ‘Little Shoppe on the Hill’ and if I could get you all there, you would feel the exciting thrill of a very unique place on earth. I have developed a life-changing connection with owner Linda Stearns and her staff. Oh la la!

My booth was very near the Shoppe which was bustling with traffic. That meant lots of visitors to my booth (including many readers of ‘Death by Roses’ who are asking when ‘Death by Violets’ will be ready!).

One woman who came to my booth was bursting with the desire to write but she didn’t know how to start. This is not uncommon. I told her one of the secrets that had gotten me on a crystal clear track and I want to share it with you. It’s a book. It’s called ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron.

Cameron first published the book in 2002 and had great impact on getting me going on my creative journey. This book is for any creative desire, not just for writers.

Cameron believes we are all artists in some way. Her book lays out very clear instructions for getting from, “Rubbish! I’m not artistic in any way” to “WOW! I now have a clear direction for my creative self.” It’s pretty amazing if you follow the instructions in her book.

I told this young woman to get her book and to do the exercises. It is how I found my voice and my courage to write. Once I tapped into this creative self, I couldn’t stop and I’m still going strong. So, for all of you who are screaming inside because you know there’s something in there and you can’t quite get it out, this is the book for you.

Life is meant to encourage us on our creative journeys; to help us see what gifts live within us that are not only for us, but for the world. Get the book! Enjoy the journey!

Vivian!

P.S. If you live or travel in northern Wisconsin and you have not yet visited ‘The Little Shoppe on the Hill’, get going! The store is loaded with the most inspiring clothing, home décor, antiques and so much more. Fall is beautiful and coming soon to Lakewood!

Coming soon! Marital Martial Arts #3: Accept no responsibility for your marital challenges! This is the BIG ONE that changed my marriage when I got it!

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Moments LIke These Keep Me Writing!

When I write, I never know where the story is going because I can’t see the plot clearly. I describe the process like putting a puzzle together with no sense of what the final picture will look like. Only when pieces snap into place do I get a sense of one aspect of the story and over time, those aspects begin to fit together.

This means that while I’m writing, I’m a mess with all of these story pieces lying around in a disconnected plot that is literally putting itself together.
This is the way I’ve always written. During the process of a new story, I sometimes feel like a crazy woman with characters, conversations, settings and events stacked here and there. It’s an intuitive process. At times, a piece will snap into place, much like the magic of picking up a puzzle piece and having it out of pure luck.

I have been working on another fiction piece titled ‘Death by Violets’. It has a character named Harvey Lane Murphy , the father of Violet Lynn Murphy, who, as you might guess, is the ‘Violet’ in ‘Death by Violets’. Harvey is a linguist and loves ‘word spins’ -- rearranging letters of a word into as many other words as he can. In the story, his name can be rearranged into ‘Very ha’, which is a term of endearment his wife uses for him. (Don’t ask because I don’t know where that piece fits in just yet). But…

Yesterday my husband and I were driving home from up north. At one juncture, I looked up from what I was doing (working on slides for an upcoming presentation) and saw a yellow transport truck cab. The name of the truck line was ‘Veriha’. I could hardly believe this—what are the chances of meeting up with a truck line by that name? Was I dreaming? Or having another one of those incredible psychic events that tell me I’m on the right track and to keep on ‘truckin’ with ‘Death by Violets’?

What do you think? Contact me at Vivian@probstprose.com and let me know.

Vivian Probst

Other stories waiting to be published: ‘Little Black Book for BLUE People; ‘The TimeMaker’s Shop’; ‘The Woman Who Forgot Who She Was’ (5-volume series); ‘The Man Who Remembered’ (5-volume series)

Join my mailing list today at deathbyroses.com and be among the first to know when these stories come out!

The Secret Power of Coloring

At two recent book events I have been made aware of coloring books for adults and how popular these are becoming. I am thrilled because I have colored for years in order to soothe my soul and to bring unconscious thoughts into my awareness.

How about you? Do you color?

I used to think that coloring was childish. How wrong that idea was! Coloring is powerful! Huffington Post wrote an article in April about how adult coloring is trending.

Here is how I make coloring a powerful tool:
1) Before I begin, I ask myself a question. Is there something bothering me? Do I feel stuck in some way? Or concerned? Worried?
2) As I prepare to color, I ask for the answer to whatever it is I would benefit from knowing.
3) I let go of the question and color.
4) When I am done coloring, I revisit the question to see if it’s still there…perhaps I have received an insight…an idea…a solution.
5) Whatever it is, I then act on it as soon as I can.

While coloring, here’s what’s important:

1) Choose colors without any judgment—they all go together in unique and marvelous ways.
2) Unless you are an artist and/or love to draw, choose something to color that is already designed.
3) Soothe yourself as you color. Be intent on your coloring process.
4) If thoughts and feelings come up, allow them. Just keep coloring.
5) Allow the coloring to start and stop, even if the piece isn’t finished. No pressure!
6) Give yourself as wide a variety of colors as you can and pick whatever you like to color with. I use Sharpie ® felt tip markers, both broad and fine point unless you tend to judge yourself and are afraid you might pick a ‘wrong’ color—there is no such thing!
7) Be gentle with yourself. When I began coloring, I simply drew a square and colored it black so that there was no stress about the design or the color. I then wrote ‘The Little Black Book for BLUE People’, which will be available for free download soon on www.deathbyroses.com.

If you tend to be BLUE, then coloring is a perfect tool for you!

When in doubt, COLOR!

Vivian!

I Didn't Mean to Make You Cry!

This past Saturday, another first for ‘Death by Roses’—a book fair! And…the first time there was a line of people waiting at my table when I opened up at ‘Angels Forever/Windows of Light’ in Appleton, WI. Talk about magical—Deb, Krystana, and Jessie were the angels who supported the event, along with a rep from the book fair, Renee, who made sure everyone was comfortable, got their wine and tea samples and their questions answered.

(Yes, we have both ‘Death by Roses’ wine and ‘Death by Roses’ tea. Both delicious! Visit our website to order: www.deathbyroses.com.)

After the event, two women took me aside and sat me down to talk. They looked serious and intent so I braced myself to hear what they had to say.

‘Death by Roses’ is a romantic comedy and it makes people laugh, but these two women had tears in their eyes as they told me what the story gave them. I could not believe it! One of them had given up writing twenty years ago when someone told her to quit trying. (Imagine!) The other felt renewed hope for her relationship. We were all crying—it was incredible to hear them share from their hearts.

I can tell you what I learned from writing ‘Death by Roses’ and what I’m still learning, but it’s what other people are getting from the story that makes all the difference. Laughing, crying, growing into a new space of understandingleno and appreciating themselves. Hope for the future…who knew all of these seeds had been planted in the story as I wrote it. I had no idea…but I give thanks to Life for bringing me this story.

You never know the difference you make when you do your ‘thing’ but rest assured, it’s happening. Someday someone will sit you down and tell you (maybe with tears in their eyes) what you have done for them. So baby, let your light shine!

Vivian!

Are Writers Messy People? Is it OK?

Thought you’d like to see my work area as it appeared this past Saturday. I think it’s a fascinating and colorful collage. DO you agree?

1. Cap with yellow roses for going outdoors

2. Notebook: How to interview on radio and TV (Course I took with Kathy Sciere)

3. OPRAH magazine on ‘Decluttering’.
(Note that ‘decluttering’ calls up spell check. No wonder I don’t declutter—it’s not even a word!) J

4. DVD—‘What the Bleep Do We Know’ Intro to Quantum Physics

5. Card to send to my publishing team

6. Postcard for my novel “Death by Roses” (I pass these out everywhere!)

7. Favorite planning calendar by Leonie Dawson

8. Joy Journal with daily notes

9. Cards for the day from Energy Oracle Card Deck

10. 72 Names of God by Yehuda Berg.

Here’s my challenge: To write or to organize my life? To promote my first novel, ‘Death by Roses’ or to organize my life? To spend time with my husband and family or to organize my life? To run my consulting company or to organize my life? To exercise or to organize my life? Do I really see being organized as a priority? Am I wrong if I don’t? I don’t think I’m alone here. Am I?

For me, life breaks up into these fundamental blocks. If my stuff is sitting out rather than put away, can I be OK with this? Who or what decided that being organized (knowing where everything is all the time and keeping it all in a tidy place, alphabetically coded and color sorted) is important? Is being disorganized equal to procrastinating or is it being in tune with a present moment focus? I’m not saying—I’m asking. Is it a sin or a disease I could die from?

Long go, I had a vision that if I would just ‘GET ORGANIZED,’ I’d have a magically freer life. I never got there and I’m done beating myself up for it. I admit to spending time looking for things that I can’t locate, but even if I had put everything away—if I forgot where I categorized it--it would be the same thing, yes? Do I need professional help?

I write. I make the bed each morning. I write. I write in my Joy Journal and meditate. I write. I take time to eat something healthy. I write. I take time to work out. I write. I take time to make sure we have clean clothes and dishes. I write. I run my consulting business. I write. I blog. I tweet. I promote. I attend book clubs and other book events. I write. I make love to my husband. I write. I call the kids every so often or have them over for a meal that my husband cooks. I write. I give to charity. I write. I pay my bills. I write. I shop. I write. I sleep. I dream. I write. Then every so often, I look at my pile and decide to go through it. Usually I write instead. And that is my happy, disorganized, ever after—at least for now.

Vivian Probst