Vivian Probst's Blog, page 2

Take It Inside!

Do you remember childhood days when you and your siblings or friends would get rowdy in the house and Mom would say, “Take it outside”? There were four of us kids less than six years apart so we could get out of hand whether we were playing or fighting. Out we would go until Mom let us come back in—typically after we had used up some of our abundant energy.

In ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’ I have changed the metaphor to ‘take it inside’. If we understand that what we see externally is actually a reflection of our inner world, the place to let off steam is within.  I learned this lesson well in my second marriage.

Everything changes when we ‘take it inside’. Once our focus changes from ‘who can I blame’ to ‘what inside of me is triggering what’s playing out in my life’ we transform. There’s nothing like getting to the root cause and the root is always inside.

If you’ve read ‘Yo-Yo Wife’ you know how I learned THIS; you know that I practiced it for eight years before I wrote the book; and you know how instantly my marriage changed once I began to see my husband’s antics as a mirror reflecting something inside me that craved attention. That’s why I like to title radio or TV interviews, ‘How I Changed My Marriage in About a Minute’. Seriously, that’s all it took.

Last week I had the privilege of being on Wisconsin Public Radio with Larry Meiller. It was a talk show so we had some interesting dialogue with listeners. Imagine my delight when the first caller discussed exactly what my book explains—how everything settles down when we ‘take it inside’. No blame—just learning to love whatever old wound is screaming for our attention.

The next time your intimate partner triggers you, try taking it inside and watch what happens!

Vivian!

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The Importance of Preferences

“I no longer have any idea what my preferences are,” a young mother lamented to me last week as she struggled with her unhappiness in her job. It’s a common problem for busy people and particularly mothers. In fact, if you study the word ‘mothers’, you can see it split between ‘m’ and ‘others’, yes?  Isn’t being a mother mostly about others?  Of course it is!

If you, like this young woman, are feeling completely lost in OPPS! (Other People’s Problems), here’s what I learned and what I suggest to get back in touch with yourself. Why? Are you thinking, why should I bother? It will be years before the kids grow up!

Let me explain…even if it’s going to be eighteen years before your youngest leaves home, your world and your life will benefit from you finding a way to listen to and explore your own inner world now. It’s a heartache to wake up one day years later and realize you don’t have a clue what you want from life—a tragedy! If you pay attention to what your heart and mind are saying to you right now and follow your instincts, you’ll continue to grow into your own wonderful self while the kids are growing UP.

Might I suggest that you try this:

Next time if someone asks you what you prefer, state a preference. Please don’t say, “It doesn’t matter,” or “whatever everyone else wants”. Where did we get the idea that we should do that? OK, it’s not life and death choice but a little bit of who you are is cut off if you decide that your opinion or preference doesn’t matter. If we don’t state our preferences, we become less visible to ourselves and others. Eventually it can become a habit so that we completely forget why we matter.  Remember that you are unique in all the world.
As you go to sleep at night, let your eyelids close while picturing an idea that means something to you—a ‘wouldn’t it be nice if’ scenario. Like, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if my husband and I could get a date night soon’? Or, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if my friend and I could take an afternoon and go shopping, attend an art class, etc.?’ Put it out there and sleep on it.
Take one small step toward what you desire and watch out for the resistance that might show up–all the reasons you can’t—because you can and then you must because if these preferences aren’t honored they can become quite irritating. Angry people are sometimes those who haven’t taken care of themselves—haven’t honored their preferences–because they don’t feel they have the right. Of course we’re upset when we can’t be ourselves!

So, give yourself a break—five minutes of peace and quiet, a manicure, massage, watching your favorite TV show, reading a blog. Even a trip to the grocery store is heavenly when you can go alone. There are chances every day to catch up with yourself. Look for opportunities—ask them to show up and honor them when they do. Then when someone asks whether you prefer red or white wine, tell them, even if you see that no one has opened the bottle of white wine yet!Your preferences, in turn, will honor you and brighten your life.

Vivian!

Read more about the importance of preferences in ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’, Probst’s memoir, just released. Available on-line and in bookstores.

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What’s My Purpose?

On a radio interview not too long ago, the topic of purpose came up. I was asked how one finds their purpose and was unable to provide a satisfactory response. I could tell people were disappointed, as if they hoped I had some magical formula to share. Life purpose is a big question and one that we tend to think we have to hunt for in order to feel fulfilled.

‘Purpose’ is an interesting word. Originally from Latin, proponere. Pro = before; Ponere = to set or place. If we go back that far, purpose then is “that which a person sets before herself as an object to be reached or accomplished.”

Can you see how external that definition is? We tend to believe our lives need an external purpose—something to do—that’s significant in order to live well and to experience joy and happiness. Perhaps; perhaps not. Let’s see if we can take some of the pressure off ourselves. Here in a nutshell is what I believe about purpose.

Our purpose lives inside us; looking outside to fulfill it is our first mistake.

Our purpose is more about being or living in a way that fulfills our natural preferences—‘being oneself’ as my book ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’ discusses in “Meology (the study of myself)”.

‘Prefer’ comes from Latin proeferre. Pro = before; Ferre = to bear or carry. Preferring is about choice and bearing or carrying that choice before something else.

Did you know that ‘prefer’ immediately precedes ‘purpose’ in the dictionary? Yes, their spelling is so similar and perhaps because, I believe, preferences must have something to do with purpose!

Our purpose is less about doing or finding a career path than it is about meeting ourselves as we truly prefer to live. As we learn to live in tune with who we are inside, our purpose expresses itself as naturally as breathing.

We are meant to have preferences because they are our internal tracking system so that our purpose is fulfilled. It’s actually about delighting ourselves which in turn accomplishes our purpose whether we can see it or not.

Unfortunately, it often takes courage to allow ourselves to express what lives inside of us because we’ve been taught for most of our lives to perform to other people’s standards and ideals. I had to learn that the hard way as I explain in my memoir.

We must be careful not to judge ourselves or our purpose as too small or insignificant to be worthy. In that framework we are judging ourselves as too small or insignificant which can be a sign of having experienced a deep history of being unappreciated. If that is the case, it becomes our work to resolve those feelings. (Notice the word ‘resolve’ can be changed to ‘reloves’—a powerful message). I explain how I learned to do this in ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’.

Joy is a clue that we are aligned with our purpose. While we are often taught that joy is found in serving others, it’s critical to understand that any external outcome must be connected with how we experience joy inside ourselves. As we focus inside, our delightful purpose (which reveals itself through our individual preferences) is fulfilled and simply shows up outside whether or not we are conscious of it.

Some people are born or inclined early in life toward a specific direction. Don’t be jealous if you’re not one of them. I thought I was supposed to be a missionary and ended up teaching tax regulations for an affordable housing program which was fulfilling because it was my path. You might think…how boring! But I’ve had thirty years of fun in that realm because of my preferences.

Study yourself! (I call in ‘Meology’ in my book). Know who you are, what you prefer, and imagine your very own best life.  Don’t get trapped by thinking of all the reasons you can’t be, do or have what is within you. You can’t help but fulfill your true, inner purpose if you allow it to reveal itself to you. Follow your preferences; follow what brings you joy and watch your external life reshape itself—on purpose.

Vivian!

Coming 2018: The Woman Who Forgot Who She Was: The Remarkable Journeys of Aver Victoria Spencer

Imagine that you have so completely forgotten who you are that you believe the life you are living is real even though it’s not. What would you do once you became aware that there is a very different, forgotten world that lives inside you and wants you to come home? Would you seek to know it or try to stay safe in your now-familiar but false life?

Welcome to ‘The Woman Who Forgot Who She Was’. Wander with fictional character Avery Victoria Spencer as she visits castles and dungeons, traverses forests and mountains, researches old books and meets extraordinary characters on her journey to meet woman she really is and the life that she is truly meant to live.  

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Welcomed Messages From My Cards

Every Sunday I pull down several decks of ‘oracle’ cards and ask for messages for my up-coming week. These are beautiful and I always benefit from reading and studying whatever comes up.

Just once, I’d like to share with readers how such an activity encourages and empowers me. We will focus on last Sunday’s cards.

From ‘The Book of Rune Cards’ by Ralph Blum: FLOW: a time of cleansing, evaluating, organizing and aligning. Perfect. It’s supposed to be a rainy week which means I’ll be indoors. Good time to go through things no longer needed.

From ‘Archangel Oracle Cards’ by Doreen Virtue, PhD.: Archangel Raphael: BREATHE. Focusing on our breath allows us to release old patterns. Hmm…I sense a message for me taking shape! Old patterns are ready to be released!

From ‘Art Through the Eyes of Soul’, by Cheryl Yambrach Rose: Journey to the Halls of Osiris. A period of depression is about to end; resulting in transformation. Yes, I’ve been blue—it is common for me as I complete a big project. Check out my most recent blog about ‘Post-artum Depression’!

From ‘Self-Care Cards’ by Cheryl Richardson: PROGRESS. Recommends charging forward and being willing to make mistakes. Interesting and more energetically positive.

From ‘Healing with the Fairies’ by Doreen Virtue, PhD: Move Forward Fearlessly. Another energetic call to take positive action!

From ‘The Goddess Oracle’ by Doreen Virtue, PhD: Lakshmi: Bright Future. Stop worrying!  Everything is going to be fine! I guess I have been worrying, haven’t I?  Caught red-handed—so greatful! (Intentionally spelled differently).

From ‘Mary, Queen of Angels’ by Doreen Virtue, PhD: Love is the answer to all of my questions. I recall writing a short story once called, “What Would Love Do?” What is all we did was ask that question for every situation?  Oh la la!

‘Energy Oracle Cards’ by Sandra Anne Taylor: Walk Away. Letting go of an existing situation and heading into an unclear future. Could be an old habit, emotional pattern, or false belief.  I am ready and I possess necessary resources!

All of these suggest moving forward—away from something that no longer nurtures me—toward a bright future—act with love. Nice!

Vivian!

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Necessary Preferences: Why They Matter

“I don’t care.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Whatever you want.”

“I just want you to be happy.”

How often do we say these words every day? Sometimes they’re true. However, I have often found that I say them to avoid what I fear most—expressing my opinion which would require me to say what is valid and honest and true for me. It’s how I hide who I am.

When I was very young and living for a time with my grandparents while my mother was ill, they had a group of people over for a Bible Study. I recall being asked to sing. Somehow I ended up standing on a piano bench and fearlessly belting out, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. I loved to sing. I would have danced too but that was forbidden (which is why I am one of the first ones on a dance floor now that I’m an adult and I can do what I want to).

“…Hide it under a bushel, NO! I’m gonna let it shine!” I sang. The group was charmed. Yet as I grew up and learned what was acceptable and what was not, I found myself in very cramped quarters under that bushel, where my ideas, opinions, and yes, my preferences were stored instead of letting them shine.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned the consequences of not sharing my preferences—I become invisible to myself and others. The only way we become that unique and special person we are is by being it in daily life–by surrounding ourselves with what we love that makes us unique and different from anyone else.

In my memoir, “I Was a Yo-Yo Wife,” my co-author, Dr. Boris Matthews calls it ‘noticing’. “When you notice that you betray your truth…when you notice (again) that somebody else’s notion of who you are has more power over you than your sense of who you are…you begin to recognize the voice that says, “Something’s not right; something doesn’t feel right, something doesn’t suit me…”. That he says is an invitation to become who you are. The only other choice, he says, is to suffer.

Some call it ‘speaking my truth’ which is OK and sometimes necessary, but when someone uses that phrase I feel like it’s confrontational and oppositional. “I had to speak my truth,” which meant in doing so, I was offending others.  There are times, absolutely when that is necessary but often speaking my truth is as simple as saying “I’d like chocolate, not vanilla”; “I’d like that sumptuous peach-colored sweater instead of that pale blue one.” Or even, “I prefer to refer to God as ‘The Source of Life’ rather than assigning a gender to All That Is,” as I told my father, a devout evangelical Christian. Stating our preferences is necessary for our personal growth.

There are safe and humorous ways to make our preferences known even though we know that we might not sway others. I am continually reminded that persuading others is not the point—the point is to be our essential selves.

Acting on our preferences takes time, patience, faith and consistency. I prefer that my novel, ‘Death by Roses’ become a movie. It’s absolutely liberating to be able to say that—it’s letting my light shine rather than saying “It doesn’t matter—I don’t care,” because in truth, I do care. I hope; I have dreams that I’d like to see come true.

Don’t let your preferences scare you. Don’t mock and ridicule them. Let them shape your destiny. It is the ultimate discovery of this lifetime—to know who you are and let that light that is only yours shine. Promise yourself that today, in even a tiny way, you will stand up on that piano bench and belt out your song.

Vivian!

 

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Post Art-Um Depression

Yes, there’s a ‘p’ missing because we’re talking about an artist becoming ‘blue’ after their work is released—ahem—delivered.

When a baby is born, there’s typically a swarm of friends and family to ooh and aah as a family adjusts to a new member of their family. Once that passes, it’s easy for a new mom to take a ride on an emotional roller coaster that can pitch and dive right along with her hormones, her postpartum pain, her sleepless nights, retracting uterus, and so much more. I wish someone had told me about afterbirth pains after my second child was born!

I’ve just published my second book. For an artist (writer in my case), I can attest to a type of depression right that set in in spite of all the publicity and it reminded me of that nasty afterbirth pain.

Here’s what I’ve learned to do that keeps me going:

Call in your support team. Those who are closest to you have make a huge difference if you find yourself blue of in pain because your art didn’t make any bestseller list right after you published it.
Plan for a retreat so that you can take care of yourself. Completing a work of art is full of energetic demands as your psyche drives it toward a finish line. When it’s done, you might feel ‘done in’. There’s nothing like self-care, which you absolutely deserve. You need to restore and renew yourself. Do it!
Sometimes the people closest to you aren’t present—they are too busy with their own lives. I know how that hurts. I also know that we all have limits and that I, too have not been present at some of their important life events. Love one another. DO keep them posted on what’s happening; DON’T apply pressure.
Be creative in getting the message out to the ‘world at large’. Play, have fun, and express your joy. You are your art’s most important supporter. Yes, you’ll have days when you wish you’ve never ever thought of whatever you’ve created as a good idea. Those are the times to be gentle with yourself and your art. Embrace it all! You did it!
And of course, there are those events that thrill you—a wonderful review, a kind word from someone…sales! Oh la la! Bask in that…I really believe in basking (b-asking).

Like every birth, you are detaching from something that you’ve held close for a long time. You allowed whatever it is to be created through you—it takes courage to bring it forward. However, (damn it!) in any final analysis, it’s not yours. It belongs to that higher energy that you said ‘yes’ to in order to bring it to life. Love it! Nurture it! Appreciate how you have grown through your co-creative adventure. And then release it for its true purpose, which you may never see completed in one lifetime. It will return to you in due time—even if you don’t recognize it all grown up. Your art will live on!

Vivian!

 

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Marital Martial Arts #10: Suggest Counseling

Yesterday was book launch day! ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’ is in print, on-line and going public!* Seems like a great day to talk about Marital Martial Art #10: Suggest to your spouse that he or she needs counseling (and you don’t).

Am I the only woman in the world who has suggested marriage counseling to my spouse?

I don’t think so.

Am I the only woman in the world who has sought professional help to cope with my marriage without my husband present (mostly because he doesn’t want to be)?

I know I’m not.

Am I the only woman who has gotten her husband to go for counseling and been disappointed with the results?

NOPE.

My husband tenses up whenever I say, “We need to talk.” If I suggest “We (YOU) need to get some counselling),” he’s in full battle armor!

Here’s the thing I’ve learned, which completely shocked me when I became aware of it–my problems with my marriage (relationship) can’t be fixed by my spouse (partner). If I believe that they can, I’ve got more work to do. Why? Because…the only person who can fix my problems with my relationship is me.

‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’ taught me how to fix my marriage in about a minute…at least that’s how I like to describe it. Because once I understand THIS, none of my former marital martial arts were necessary.

Here’s THIS in a nutshell…

My most intimate partner is the best reflection of what’s going on inside me;

If there’s a problem between US, it means there’s something inside me that wants my attention.

Once I use the outer issue to find and resolve the problem inside me (with love), t he problem on the outside disappears.

That’s it…That’s THIS and once I get it, I can apply it—in about a minute!

*Find ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife…Until I Learned THIS’ at vivianprobst.com; amazon.com; or ask for it at your local bookseller. Below is a chapter by chapter synopsis so that as these blogs move ahead, we can have fun living in (knock our socks off) love!

Follow our event schedule at vivianprobst.com.

Vivian!

Chapter Synopsis:

1: YO: My First Marriage

A brief overview of my life as a missionary’s wife in Africa. Explains why I had to leave it and the entire culture in which I had been raised.

2: YO-YO: My Second Marriage

How my life changed through encountering The Women’s Center of Waukesha, WI; meeting Tom and the shocking discovery after we married—I had changed but my old habits of being a wife had not! We moved back and forth from the cliff edge of divorce.

3: April 17, 2008: The Day the Yo-Yo Stopped

Describes what Life taught me as I stomped down the hallway of our home to pack and leave for the last time—I never did leave; this chapter explains why.

4: How THIS Transformed my Marriage

Once I understood THIS, Life showed me how to apply it to my inner world which transformed my relationship with my husband. (I believe THIS works for other types of relationships and situations. My book focuses on what it did from my most intimate relationship). Readers are introduced to ‘The Orphanage’ and ‘The Drench’.

5: May 17th, 2008: Why I Had to Write ‘Death by Roses’

It took five years to turn out this award-winning romantic comedy. What it taught me after I finished it anchored me totally into my true self and a thriving marriage.  Stories can change our lives, especially if they’re fun to read.

6: What? I’m Supposed to Stop Blaming My Spouse? Are You Crazy?

Once I understood THIS, all blame disappeared. Anything that shows up in my relationship with my husband becomes a way for me to understand what was happening inside me. I take care of the inside and the outside world follows right along.

7: Aha! So That’s Why I Married You!

We believe we marry for love and I don’t disagree. However, Life showed me there’s a much more powerful reason we’re attracted to each other. THIS makes ‘I DO’ stick like glue!

8: Psst. You’ve Got Orphans

Science has proven that every event of our lives has an emotional component that lives inside us. Many of them are negative and scary. I ignored these aspects and tried to move beyond them but no amount of success was enough. The more I succeeded the more pain I felt. This chapter includes ‘Vivian’s List of Subtle Abuses’.

9: Introducing The Magnificent Seven (Wonders of the Inner World)

If our inner world is where all the action is, it’s time to visit what I call ‘Planet Me’ for all the wonders it holds for us—and the healing. (This can be fun!)

10: The First Wonder of the Inner World: “What I See Is What I Get” (WISIWIG)

Only the people, events and circumstances that I invite into my world can show up there. If that’s true, how to I make sure I am getting what I truly want and not what I don’t want?

11: The Second Wonder of the Inner World: “What If This IS the Life I Ordered?”

Yipes, cripes! While it’s a tough concept to accept, once I understand the power I have in my inner world—once I get that what’s showing up is there because of my (often inadvertent) creation, I have the authority to transform it. The power house is driven by what I focus my attention on.

12: The Third Wonder of the Inner World: “Meology, the Only Thing that Matters on Planet Me”

The most important course we don’t take in school and the most important parenting responsibility that gets overlooked. We truly must know ourselves and our preferences in order to make our unique contribution in the world (and to be happy—it’s hard to be happy when we’re living someone else’s life).

13: In The Beginning: Mystory

Change the ‘e’ in ‘mystery’ to an ‘o’ and the word becomes ‘mystory’—the mystery of me. This chapter includes a short but full biography of my life as a sample exercise for those who are interested in ‘Meology’

14: Your Meology: The Coronation of YOU!

How to become the ruler of your own life. The most important vow you ever take in life is not to your marriage or even to your country. Try this vow and see how it sets you on the right course for your life. Includes a brilliant segment from my co-author, Dr. Boris Matthews: “How To Know Who You Really Are”.

15: The Fourth Wonder of the Inner World: My Partner, My Mirror

Putting THIS into practice…understanding that unless we allow the mirror to work, we can leave our relationship but will take our unresolved issues with us. Ugh!

16: The Fifth Wonder of the Inner World: If You’re Saying I Really Want This, You’re Wrong!

What to do when our defenses go up. This chapter includes Byron Katie’s ‘Four Question Process’ from her book ‘Loving What Is’ and explains why changing intimate partners can work against us.

17: The Sixth Wonder of the Inner World: If Ever I Would Leave You

There are different ways to ‘leave’. This chapter discusses them—the pros and cons and how to take a break without breaking it off.

18: The Seventh Wonder of the Inner World: My Relationship to the Source of Life

Finding the source of life and love that is often called ‘God’ and learning to trust it.

19: My Decision to Stay

Learning THIS made my decision easy. Now I know what to do when our relationship hits a troubled patch. I “take it inside” first and allow the mirror to reflect what I need to take care of there. Then I watch the magic happen!

20: What’s Science Got to do with THIS?

A look at quantum science as it pertains to THIS.

21: What’s GOD Got to do with THIS?

What is the energy we call ‘God’? How deeply does it really affect our lives?  Is THIS a spiritual concept?

22: Practicing THIS for Life!

Activities and exercises the author has done to enhance her experience of life.

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Marital Martial Art #9: Never Agree With Your Spouse

NEWS FLASH! ‘I Was a –Yo-Yo Wife’ is now available! 
Order through vivianprobst.com or amazon.com.  Send your order to beth@vivianprobst.com and receive a signed copy!

Order ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’ and ‘Death by Roses’, the companion non-fiction and fiction books and we’ll make a 15% donation to the Women’s Center of Waukesha, Wisconsin.

Read how ‘The Women’s Center’ changed Vivian’s life in ‘I Was a ‘Yo-Yo Wife!’

 

Marital Martial Art #9: Make it a policy to never agree with your spouse

It’s a wedding ring; not a boxing ring!

I remember years of perpetual disagreement with my husband. Some call it ‘playing devil’s advocate’ and I guess I thought I was doing him a favor to help him see the benefit of a contrary opinion. So helpful, yes?

Not really. I was stuck in a rut—on autopilot; it didn’t occur to me that I was making our relationship harder.  Sure there are times when my valid, contrary opinion was (and is) important. But there were also so many times when I could have agreed. It’s just that I automatically didn’t. I hope no one reading this has the same problem.

Since discovering ‘This One Thing That Changed Everything’, (read my fascinating discovery in ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’) I have become aware that heartfelt cooperation is very good for a relationship. I have also learned that my need to disagree came from a place of insecurity inside me.  Often, I didn’t really have my own opinion because I hadn’t learned to respect myself and my ideas. What were those? I was like a ship without a rudder—honesty and self-respect being that missing steering mechanism. I let the opinions of others guide me which left me turning in circles.  I have learned that we must lay claim to honoring our inner desires before we can nurture and support the one we claim to love most in life.

I’ve also learned that my need to be contrary comes from a place inside me that feels like I’m always wrong. When I’m clear about who I am and what’s important to me, I am free to agree with my spouse (or not) from a genuine space rather than leaping into an argument as if I were on an opposing debate team.

I remember the first time I tested the ability to agree with my husband. I sensed the earth move and settle into the quiet, peaceful foundation I had always hoped for. But first, I had to stop arguing with myself; I had to set aside the need to be right on the outside and replace it with the desire to be true to myself on the inside.

Once I found a way to respect myself, I found that agreeing with my husband felt good when I could do it honestly and I found that I could do it more often. I didn’t need to kick up the dust simply for the sake of seeing it throw sand into my husband’s eyes. We can live in peace on the outside when we are at peace on the inside.

Vivian!

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Marital Martial Law #8: Try to Change Him/Her

This might look similar to #6 which was “Try to Control Him or Her”, but we’re taking a different path here. It’s subtle so read closely.

Trying to change your spouse is harmful to a relationship because it asks a spouse to be someone other than who they are. And it doesn’t pay.  My friend Anne Wondra’s grandmother gave her great advice (which she shares in “Relationship Rules of a Happy Woman”, available as an e-book). “Marry someone whose habits you can live with.”

Many of us resist change so we shouldn’t be surprised if our partner does as well. Here’s what I learned from writing ‘I Was A Yo-Yo Wife’ and it works very well for me. If I want my spouse to change, first I go inside to get why that is so important to me. I find the inner Change Agent and focus. Usually I find that there’s something for me to do, not my spouse.

I believe that the only change I should ask my spouse to make is to be more authentic and I don’t really need to ask for that; I simply need to allow it and LOVE does that automatically. The last thing I want to do to the person I love most in the world is add another layer of expectations to his or her behavior.  I want to remove them so I work on myself first. And it’s not really work—it’s kind of interesting to see what inside me is wanting the change.

A number of years ago I decided Tom should be putting his shoes away rather than leaving them out by the back door where I could trip on them. It made me so angry every time I stumbled over them. You see, I needed to address my anger because he could trigger it so easily. I decided to give thanks that I had a husband and to see his shoes as a blessing.  I even wrote a poem titled, “My Husband’s Shoes”. Now when I see something I think he should do differently, I give thanks for all the things he does so well. I almost swear that as I do that, these quirky issues disappear. I’d swear he does a better job at putting his shoes away and I don’t have to say a thing.

Same thing with laundry. As I fold his clothes (yes, I still do that for him. I mean, he does all of our cooking, so…) I think loving thoughts about him.  Am I crazy in love or what? After thirty years?

Everything I learned about falling deeper in love with my husband is in the book ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’ which is coming out by mid-March. Watch for it…it changed everything for us and it could make a (happy) difference to others.

Vivian!

My Husband’s Shoes

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Marital Martial Law #7: Never Compliment or Express Gratitude

It’s easy to get into a complaining rut when two people live closely together. When it becomes personal, marriages suffer.

We might say to others, “My husband never does anything right!” Or directly to our spouse, “Why can’t you do anything right?” I can look back on some long-standing issues that I relentlessly drove home to my husband every chance I got. I was convinced I was right and I needed him to acknowledge that I was.

The strange thing I learned was that by complaining to him about his faults so constantly, I was also focusing my inner world on my own shortcomings. ‘This One Thing that Changed Everything’ (which I write about in ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’*) suggested a new approach. It stopped me cold when it suggested that I couldn’t treat my spouse better than I treated myself and that by ragging on him, I was digging a deeper hole for my own inner feelings of ineptness.  Imagine!

I remember when that changed. The discovery of THIS meant that I was as unkind to myself as I was to Tom and the only way to change that was to begin to appreciate myself and my spouse more. When I opened my mouth to complain, I either zipped it shut or found something good to say. “You didn’t put the toilet seat down—again!” became, “I so appreciate how you turn your socks right side when you take them off so I don’t have to do it later.” Simple. Easy—unless one’s rage is so consuming that not even a shred of kindness can sneak past us.

It takes practice. Anyone who is oriented toward what their spouse is doing wrong will need some time to adjust to a new way of thinking and behaving. But the results are so worth it! The kinder I was to Tom, the kinder he was to me. And yes, the kinder I was to myself, the kinder he was—in fact, the world became kinder as I learned THIS.

Maybe THIS could be a new political platform?

Vivian!

*Watch for ‘I Was a Yo-Yo Wife’ to be released between Valentine’s Day and the beginning of March 2017. Did you know that March is a common month for divorces to be initiated?  Why not try THIS instead?

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