Lance Carbuncle's Blog: Shut up and eat your pudding - Posts Tagged "carbuncle"

I think that it is very uncool that those movie guys get to create soundtracks for their flicks to enhance the viewers’ enjoyment, but books never have soundtracks. Therefore, I have compiled a list of tunes to enhance my first novel, SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED. I recommend first that you buy my book (signed copies available on Lancecarbuncle.com. Unsigned copies for sale on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com). Second, you should put yourself in a relaxed frame of mind with libations, freestyle yodeling, shock treatment, chemicals, yoga, or whatever else chills you out. Finally, download (legally) the following songs and put them all together on a playlist (or mixed-tape or cd if you’re old school):

Men Without Hats - Safety Dance
Mike Doughty - Looks
Iron Maiden - The Trooper
Jimi Hendrix- Hey Joe
Mr. Bungle - Squeeze Me Macaroni
Warren Zevon - My Shit’s Fucked Up
Black Sabbath - The Wizard
Big Momma Thornton - Hound Dog
The White Stripes - I’m Lonely (But I Ain’t That Lonely Yet)
Deep Purple - Space Trucking
Reverend Horton Heat - Folsom Prison Blues
Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs - Wooly Bully
St. Germaine - So Flute
Joe Strummer - Road to Rock ‘n’ Roll
Frank Zappa - Truck Driver Divorce
Judas Priest - Screaming for Vengeance
Alice Cooper- For Veronica’s Sake
Cracker - Truckload of Art
Grateful Dead - Tennessee Jed
R.L. Burnside - Asspocket of Whiskey
Muddy Waters - Baby, Please Don’t Go
Little Walter - Boom Boom, Out Go the Lights
Joey Ramone - What a Wonderful World
Lloyd Williams - Shama Lama Ding Dong
AC-DC - If You Want Blood (You’ve Got It)
Robert Johnson - If I had Possession Over Judgment Day
The Band - The Weight


Signed copies of Smashed available at Lancecarbuncle.com for $12.50 (includes p&H). Or you can pay more and get unsigned copies at Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com.

My next novel, Grundish and Askew is slated for release through Vicious Books on August 1, 2009. Right now G&A is going through the editing process and Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach's Ribs, is working up a bitchin' cover for me. In the meantime, here is the prologue to Grundish and Askew:


Prologue

The fat and fiery center of the solar system paused and squatted itself directly above the souped-up El Camino as Grundish pulled off of the paved road and onto the overgrown gravel path winding into the woods. Askew, Grundish’s copilot, navigator, sidekick, best friend, and punching bag, glanced behind them down the empty paved road, and then up at the growing, speeding form in the distant sky. Neither of the men saw the bullet riddled No Trespassing sign that the owner of the property posted. That’s because the sign wasn’t there anymore. It was stolen the night before by a minivan full of drunken teenagers whose final haul included a stop sign, two blinking orange lights from barricades, a Stoner Road street sign, and a mailbox shaped like a manatee. The driver of the van, a troubled boy with one ear, thought the sign would look cool on his bedroom wall. Not that the sign would have stopped Grundish and Askew, their intrusion on the private property was just one more transgression committed in the name of self-preservation. Ripping down the road at full throttle, the El Camino left a plume of dust and unfinished business in their wake.


Grundish thought about his promise to his friend. He thought about how he loved that man, although he would never say it in such terms for fear of sounding like a fag or something. It wasn’t like that, though. It was just that Askew was always there for him, and likewise Grundish for Askew. Life always seemed less interesting when the two were separated. Grundish thought about times they had shared, and laughs, and fights, and drunken nights. Grundish thought about how Askew would have done anything for him. Grundish thought about how he was going to shoot his best friend in the back of the head.

I am starting up an e-mail list to keep my readers up to date on various Lance Carbuncle projects. People on the e-mail list will be notified about important matters such as when my next book, Grundish and Askew, will be released. Additional information will also be made available, such as contests, giveaways, what I had for lunch and how it's affecting my digestive system, embarrassing pictures of me in animal costumes, etc. So e-mail me at Bonesbarbuncle@lancecarbuncle.com and get your name on the list. You know you want to.

My next book, Grundish and Askew is almost done and ready for release. Here is the back cover blurb:

"Strap on your athletic cup and grab a barf bag. The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle is going to kick you square in the balls and send you on a wild ride that may or may not answer the following questions: what happens when two white trash, trailer park-dwelling, platonic life partners go on a moronic and misdirected crime spree?; can their manly love for each other endure when one of them suffers a psychological bitch-slap that renders him a homicidal maniac?; will a snaggletoothed teenage prostitute tear them apart?; what is the best way to use a dead illegal alien to your advantage in a hostage situation?; what’s that smell?; and, what the hell is Alf the Sacred Burro coughing up? Carbuncle’s latest offering, Grundish and Askew, ponders these troubling questions and more. So sit down, put on some protective goggles, and get ready for Carbuncle to blast you in the face with a warm load of fictitious sickness."

And check out the bad-ass cover design done by my friend and fellow Vicious Books author, Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach's Ribs. Marcus graciously offered his talent up for the cover design and did not disappoint.

Keep an eye out for Grundish and Askew, to be released through Vicious Books this August.

Carbuncle

My new novel, Grundish and Askew, is now out and available on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com. Holy shit. What are you waiting for? Go forth and buy it now, before it gets banned for being too awesome. Be the first one on your block with a copy. You know you want it. You know you need it. Go get it. More to come on Grundish and Askew developments.

Big News! My second novel,Grundish and Askew, is the 1st place winner in the humor category of the Reader Views 2009 Literary Awards.

Of course your question is, what does this mean to you? Well, you can now tell people that you are virtually friends with Award Winning Author, Lance Carbuncle. The awe that this will most certainly inspire may be too much for those with weaker constitutions. Be careful with this information as it may cause the following in persons with weakened immune systems: myocardial infarctions, torn sphincters, bloody gums, the vapors, and, an inexplicable sense of hopelessness and shame.

What does it mean for Carbuncle? I do not know, but, I suspect that my award certificate (or whatever it is that they give me), along with a handful of crack rocks, will probably get me a blowjob from a toothless hooker with tape worms and a yeast infection. Carbuncle is definitely moving on up.

All jokes aside, Grundish and Askew is now an award-winning book. That’s pretty cool. And thanks to Reader Views for recognizing good writing when they saw it. I hope they don’t take any offense at me goofing on their award and strip me of it. Hurry up and buy a signed copy of the book before I am stripped of my award like some Miss America winner whose slutty past caught up with her. What are you waiting for? Check out the latest blog entry on Lancecarbuncle.com for information on investing in a signed copy. Do it now, before I punch you in your taint.

Spread the Carbuncle. Hey there, on the Lance Carbuncle Facebook Fan Page I will be giving away signed books to two people who are randomly selected from my Facebook Fan Page. The random giveaway will be conducted on August 31, 2010. So join the fan page now, Bitches! And, tell your friends and enemies to do so, too. Also, I may be giving away other signed books to people who have in some way helped to promote either one of my books. Let me know what you have done or can do to help spread the Carbuncle. You can post a review of one of my books somewhere or take silly pictures of yourself with my books or whatever you like. If I am impressed, I may give you a free signed book or some other junk such as my dirty jockstrap or one of my used Kleenexes. One lucky winner could even get a signed picture of my balls (I have many, including soccer, rugby and medicine balls). So get to it.

That is all,
Carbuncle

Lancecarbuncle.com has been completely redesigned. Go check it out. Look at pictures of my balls. Visit Uncle Hank. Check out the books page where I have new package deals for signed copies of both of my books.

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed now available as kindle book at Amazon

and in all other formats at Smashwords