Roma Khetarpal's Blog, page 6

Parenting is… planting the seeds of love with commitment.

As I looked around at the holiday decorations in the lobby of Hoag Memorial Hospital in Irvine, I couldn’t help but be in awe of the power of family. My father, siblings, their spouses, and my husband had all showed up to be at my mom’s side as she underwent knee replacement surgery. Clearly we were not alone. In groups small and large several families were huddled around the waiting room apparently for the same reason.

I thought about how busy my schedule had been not long ago when my sister, who had accompanied my mom to her orthopedic surgeon’s appointment, called and said, “The surgeon had an opening on December 12, and I’ve encouraged mom to take it. I helped her commit before she changed her mind again. She’s having surgery in two weeks.”

She conferenced my brother on the call, and we laughed because we had no idea how we were going to pull this off. This happened to be one of those times in our lives when, despite the holidays, each of us already had an ailing parent-in-law in our care at home!

Life never shows up announced. That truly is both the challenge and the beauty of it. It is a challenge if we resist what is happening, but if we simply surrender to events, it can become something positive. My siblings and siblings-in-law and I have spent the last week as a team in helping my mom through her first week after surgery. It hasn’t been easy, but over the weekend, when the grandkids came to visit, my handsome 84-year-old father got teary-eyed and said, “I am one blessed man to have such a supportive family.”

Yesterday, my mom broke down and told my brother, “I’m so grateful for all of you.” But we reminded her and our father that we are not doing anything they didn’t do for us, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We are just doing what we have seen them do for family, friends, and members of the community.

Life does come full circle. When parents plant the seeds of love for family with commitment in the garden of their homes, love grows, multiplies, and flowers. Love sweetly touches every heart that crosses its path. Sure, there may be pain and some rocky times on this ship of family relations. But there is also immense comfort and a sense of peace in holding hands while riding the waves of life—especially at this busy time of year.

Wishing all of you and your families a very Happy Holiday Season!

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Parenting is… a reflection of our wholeness or hollowness.

When we are whole within, we understand and respect our own existence as separate from our children’s. When we are whole ourselves, we do not project on our kids—or anyone else in our relationship—any exertion of authority, any loss of power, or any doubt or shame.

When we accept and respect ourselves, we have clarity about life and our role as a parent. We can live out our parenting intention of unconditionally supporting and raising our kids. We can set and follow personal boundaries so we don’t get in the way of our children’s learning lessons and growth. We can lead and inspire while honoring and respecting our children’s voice, essence, and existence. This is the only way to create space in our hearts and homes for our children to thrive.

Basketball Hall of Famer Dwayne Wade has made it clear over and over again that this is exactly the way he chooses to show up as a parent. Over Thanksgiving break, after a barrage of comments on his wife’s Instagram about their son’s crop shirt and white nails, he rolled up his sleeves, not to fight but to stand behind his family.

Here are a few of his recent and past praiseworthy comments that we can reflect upon, learn, and apply.

“Stupidity is a part of this world we live in—so I get it. But here’s the thing—I’ve been chosen to lead my family, not y’all. So we will continue to be us and support each other with pride, love, and a smile!

“As a parent, my only goal is that my kids feel that I see them, love them, and support them.

“I don’t really talk about it much, because it’s Zion’s story to tell. I think as a family, we should support each other. That’s our job. And my job as a father is to facilitate their lives and to support them and be behind them in whatever they want to do.

“I’m doing what every parent has to do. Once you bring kids into this world, you become unselfish. It’s my job to be their role model, to be their voice in my kids’ lives, to let them know you can conquer the world. So, go and be your amazing self, and we’re going to sit back and just love you.”

Hats off to you, Dwayne Wade. I salute you.

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Giving Thanks for Our Challenges in Life

The past two weeks have really made me think. I returned—fully rejuvenated—from a fabulous trip that celebrated a wedding, our children, life, love, friendships, and my childhood, only to spend the next two weeks with a heavy heart over the Saugus High School shootings in my community and the untimely death of a dear family friend. Yes, life embraces both the yin and yang—dual forces that are opposite and complementary.

With Thanksgiving at hand and feelings of gratitude in the air, I want to draw on the Wheel of Life that I use in teaching my Mindfulness Programs to express my thoughts about different aspects of my life. And in the spirit of balancing yin and yang, I want to share the challenges that have led to some life lessons. I believe that challenges push us to reach for our own goodness and our belief in ourselves. It is through our challenges that we learn to uncover our inner core strength and be grateful for all that life has to offer. So here are my challenges and my gratitude statements for my Wheel of Life:

1. Career

Challenge: My biggest challenge this year has been finding a marketing partner to help launch my online Mindfulness Training Programs. Though some people consider coming up with content the hardest part of a venture like this, for me that part was easy! Two programs (teacher training and parenting) are ready to go. I even have a platform picked out, but the right marketing partner has yet to show up.
Gratitude: The delay has pushed me to start some of the work myself. I’m digging deep into understanding social media and how to leverage it to spread the word. And I’m also super grateful for my video production partner, who is amazingly talented.

2. Friends and Family

Challenge: There’s no question that one (or two) family members can push you to a darker place within yourself. I’ve had a couple of challenges that have left me angry, frustrated, sad, and disappointed.
Gratitude: But then, thank goodness, we have family! At trying times like these it seems like a team of other family members show up to shine their light so you can find your way back to your own light and goodness. I’m even grateful to those family members who challenge me. You are my biggest teachers. It is because of you that I learn to get over myself and become clearer about my infinite potential.

3. Community

Challenge: The biggest challenge this year was the finalizing of the guest list for our daughter’s wedding. We’re inclusive and outgoing, so picking and choosing was, oh, so hard.
Gratitude: We are beyond grateful for every single friend and community member who put their life aside for four full days to come celebrate our Big Fat Indian Wedding with us! The vibration of love we felt from all of you during the wedding ceremony has been a highlight of our life. On a different note, I’m so grateful to be part of the Santa Clarita community, whose leaders, heroes, and everyday folks all came together to lift our children and each other up and to support the families who lost their children in the Saugus High shootings. The community connection was gratifying and humbling.

4. Personal Growth

Challenge: Personal growth is inevitably a work in progress. It’s exhausting to always have to be prepared for life lessons. My sister and daughter both say that I am the most positive person they know and that I always look at the brighter side of things  But sometimes I don’t want to be positive. Sometimes I just want to bury myself under a blanket and complain. There, I said it. It can be tiring to be open to everything in life. About 10 percent of the time I just allow myself to be there—until I get over it. My goal is to cut that down to 5 percent by my 60th birthday.
Gratitude: But, boy, am I grateful that having a positive perspective on life is my first nature. When I do start to complain, I’m grateful that I have tools that I can rely on to help resolve things. My desire for conflict resolution and the building of effective communication habits is endless—which is exhausting on its own and circles back as a challenge as well.

5. Health

Challenge: To me, health is the sum total of emotional well-being, spiritual well-being, and physical well-being. I am an advocate of living life in a mindful way; being self-aware and understanding the nature of my mind is my top priority. First and foremost, I work on myself and my own emotions. Learning and growing makes me spiritually satiated and  We all know that when we’re happy and understand human nature, we can make better connections with those we share our lives with and we are healthier. So where’s the health challenge? I want to be able to do my yoga practice, meditation, and cardio routine every day. That’s 2 to 3 hours a day! When I miss any one of the above, I have to counsel myself to not feel guilty. As much as I teach and know that each day (in fact, each moment) is different, I resist accepting this when it comes to missing my workout routines.
Grateful: I’m so grateful that I enjoy good health in every way. When I don’t, I’m grateful to recognize that and to be able to work my way back to it. I’m also grateful that I’m adventurous with my physical workouts. Over the last three years,  I’ve tried and loved cardio dance and spinning. Next on my list? Pilates!

What are you challenged by and grateful for in your Wheel of Life? Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect and explore this on your own. Then, if you’re ready, share it with your family.

From our Tools of Growth family, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

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#SaugusStrong – Santa Clarita Shootings

 

I took my phone off airplane mode as I landed at LAX midday last Thursday after an overseas trip, and a barrage of text messages flooded in. There had been an attack at Saugus High School, and several students had been shot. My heart seemed to skip several beats, and I found myself taking one deep breath after another. It’s one thing to read and hear about such happenings on the news, but you go through a whole other caliber of emotions when it happens in your own hometown.

As a resident of Santa Clarita for more than 30 years, a mindfulness educator, and a board member of the SCV Education Foundation, I’ve spent the last few years working very closely with our elementary school districts. This hit home so hard that I started to feel nauseous. The more I scrolled through news feeds, the worse I felt. How could this happen in one of the safest cities in the US?

I spent the rest of the day jet-lagged yet glued to the news. I barely slept that night, and a sense of urgency crept up on me the next morning. What could I do? How could I help? I got dressed and headed to Grace Baptist Church to offer my services. Students and parents were huddled in blankets, holding hands, crying and comforting one another. After a while I went over to Central Park, where news crews were everywhere and a small memorial area was adorned with candles, handwritten notes, stuffed animals, and other tokens of love and remembrance. It was clear that at a time when life is lost, our lives literally stop—especially if children are involved. When our kids are hurt, we hurt. The pain in one child’s heart is pain in the heart of the entire community.

Late that afternoon I was on the air at our local radio station, KHTS, with hosts Rick G and Jade Auchobon. The two-hour conversation was surreal, overwhelming, and gut wrenching. Twice during the broadcast there was breaking news: first, Dominic Blackwell, a 14-year- old victim was pronounced dead; then, a half hour later, 16-year-old Nathaniel Berhow, the armed teenager, was also pronounced dead.

There are many questions, and, yes, parents want answers. How could a student have carried a gun onto campus unnoticed? Students are asking why didn’t Nathaniel just shoot himself if he was in pain? Why did he shoot others? And everyone wants to know how many more children we’ll lose before stricter gun control laws are enforced? Certainly many questions will remain unanswered, and, because of that and the loss of young life, the pain will be there for a long time.

What is reassuring, though, is that the community has come together with incredible strength. The power of human connection is being showcased with pride and dignity. Places of faith are offering prayer sessions, services, and counseling to support the families and children. Local retailers and restaurants have donated food, coffee, snacks, T-shirts, and blankets for outdoor vigils; printers have donated signs. On Sunday, the city held a vigil, and 10,000 families showed up to honor our lost children and support their families as well as the traumatized, grieving Saugus High students, many of whom had witnessed the shooting first hand.

I could go on and on. To feel the energy of this connection is truly powerful and uplifting. It is this energy that will help each affected family member face a new day. It is this power that will help our children go on to the next school day. It is this vibration that will ease the fear and help the community and its students move forward.

Next week, I want to address my thoughts on what I believe is the long-term preventive solution to not just minimize but also eradicate such unnecessary loss of life and infliction of pain. There will be a time for that. For now, though, let us use this energy to recover and heal—together and individually.

Saugus High School Vigil at Central Park

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Mindful Teacher Training – Now Online!

I’m so excited! Last week I hosted my very first online training: I led The Mindful Teacher Training, Level 1, Teach to Reach at Swarthmore Friends Nursery School. This school is on the campus of beautiful Swarthmore College in Pennsylvania, and there were 15 teachers who reach 150 children. I have every reason to feel fulfilled and joy-filled.

I’m teary eyed when I think of the importance of such training. If we, as adults taking care of children—parents, teachers, recess staff, or whoever—take responsibility for being mindful, emotionally intelligent, conscious, and aware of how we show up, we perform the greatest service to those children. Author (and presidential candidate) Marianne Williamson says, “There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children.”

This transformation is not difficult; we just don’t know how to go about it. We have never been taught what our inner world, our inner communication landscape, looks like. And this is what I’m so passionate about: Giving parents and adults who care for children simple tools of mindful communication and emotional intelligence that are easy to apply with guaranteed results.

I’m humbled that my programs have had an impact on more than 40,000 children so far. It thrills me that parents and schools public and private are all starting to understand that we cannot raise our children the same way our parents raised us. We can no longer care for children by exercising authority and dictatorship. With emotional intelligence, social emotional learning, and mindfulness at the forefront of life today, we owe it to our kids to give them the positive experiences that will help them thrive in their own families and future relationships.

There are four core components of my Mindfulness Training:

–       Empowerment—the importance of the jobs of teachers, recess staff, bus drivers, and others who care for children.

–       An Understanding of our Inner Communication Landscape—what our inner world looks like and how we can drive our thoughts and emotions to communicate effectively; how our behavior affects our children.

–       Mindfulness Tools—which help bridge gaps in communication and anchor effective communication to create deeper connections with children. The bonus? Fewer incident reports at schools, leading to savings of both time and money for the administration!

–       Application—true-life examples of issues that occur in the classroom and on the playground to help the staff take theoretical tools and concepts and apply them in moments of turmoil.

Swarthmore Friends Nursery School purchased Level 1 of this training—which was prerecorded and hosted on Teachable. The school also purchased the livestream segment for which we used Zoom. I popped in live at the beginning of the session to welcome the teachers and returned at the end for the workshop portion, in which the audience is divided into groups and given playground examples to resolve, along with a Toolbox that highlights the tools that were taught in this training. I love the interactive portion. I get my true satisfaction when teachers have aha moments as they realize that these new tools are both empowering and easily applicable. Among the takeaways of this Mindful Teacher Training is a mini tool badge that can be clipped anywhere or simply be in a teacher’s pocket or bag or on a lanyard, easily accessible while the tools are still in the process of becoming communication habits.

I’m thrilled to announce that before the holidays this training will be available online to any nursery or preschool in the world! The work has just begun, and I’m grateful to contribute to the growth and emotional well-being of our children.

Here are a few testimonials from attendees of previous workshops:

“Roma Khetarpal’s workshop was a wonderful reminder and reinforcement of why I love and value working with children. One of the biggest takeaways from her workshop was creating a balance between thoughts, feelings, and expressions. Her breakdown of Dealing with the Feeling has helped me immensely when it comes to working with children, parents, and peers. Mostly, I enjoyed her message about how the role of a mindful teacher is to help children grow emotionally, intellectually, and socially. I believe I have become a better teacher, leader, and friend by taking Roma’s workshop.” — Workshop Attendee

“As a teacher and also a parent, I found the Mindful Teacher Training very informative and effective. Roma opens up a new doorway to reach and connect with your students. She discussed how we can balance our thoughts and feelings and how we can honor a little child and help him grow into a happy, confident, and secure human being.”  — Workshop Attendee

“I absolutely love everything about this training. Not only did we need this training to use for the children, but I feel that adults also needed to hear this so they can apply it on a daily basis with everyone.”  – Workshop Attendee

 

 

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What Does Raising “Healthy” Children Really Mean?

Guest Post by Bela Patel, Doctor of Pharmacy, Certified Holistic Health Coach

 

When you think of the word “healthy,” most people think of food and the absence of disease. Health is a state of physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and to achieve this we need to create a solid foundation of great habits in our children. As a pharmacist and health coach, I take a holistic approach and look at our health like a table. A table has four legs, and each leg is equally important. The legs of my “health table” are proper nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress management.

The realization that what we put into and onto our bodies has a profound effect on our overall health is what catapulted my career into holistic wellness. While practicing as a pharmacist, I discovered that although medications would treat symptoms of a condition, we unfortunately often fail to understand and treat the root cause of the condition itself. Similarly, several years ago, I realized my anxiety and certain food triggers often caused insomnia and allergic reactions, including asthma attacks. As a child, I had had numerous emergency room visits and a hospitalization for asthma, and as an adult I was taking three different inhalers and facing the prospect of taking a sedative for anxiety. Instead, I opted to change my diet and started practicing yoga and meditation. The results were astounding. I’m no longer on any medication, and it is my mission to help individuals prevent and manage disease. That means starting at an early age.

So how can we access our body’s pharmacy to prevent disease, remain full of energy, and thrive as children and adults? And how can we as parents empower our children with the tools that will help them reach their fullest developmental potential?

Here are just a few simple yet powerful suggestions to create that strong foundation for good health.

NUTRITION

Assess your opinion about various foods. Do you glamorize a donut or are you excited about grilled asparagus in front of your children? Kids take notice of your reactions.
You purchase the food in your home, so buy what you would like your children to eat without depriving them. Have your pantry stocked with healthier versions of bars and trail mixes, and keep the refrigerator loaded with cut-up veggies, fruits, hummus, and yogurt. That way, when the kids hungry, there are numerous healthy options for them.
Prepare meals together. If your child is making some dish, chances are fairly high that they will love it. If the broccoli rabe wasn’t to their liking this time, try it again prepared another way. Don’t give up.

EXERCISE

Children should have at least 60 minutes of physical activity a day. Encourage them to try different types of sports; have family play time outdoors; take them on a walk with you or to your favorite yoga class! Or how about signing up for that community 5k Fun Run?

SLEEP

We teach our children proper personal hygiene, but teaching them proper sleep hygiene habits is just as important. Create a set schedule and stick to it. Start “wind-down” time an hour before bedtime, which means restricting any screen use. It might help to have a warm bath, story time, and a goodnight kiss every night at the same time. Consistency is key.

STRESS

According to mental health surveys, today’s teens and young adults are the most anxious ever. There are numerous reasons for this epidemic, but to counteract it, it is important to teach our children to be connected to their breath. You can activate your relaxation response with a simply powerful technique: Inhale for a count of 4 seconds and exhale to a count of 6. Repeat 5 times. No medication is required, but our body’s innate response to this simple action can shift a child from being anxious one moment to being calm the next.

Getting our kids to do all of these things at once may seem insurmountable, so pick one area and build on it the following week. Start slow without creating battles, and avoid having kids do things because the activities are “healthy.” It’s important to create habits that are sustainable, so have the entire family participate in your efforts to raise healthy children. More importantly, be a positive role model for healthy living. Remember, healthy kids start with healthy parents.

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California Fires: Tips and Tools to Uplift Your Family Vibes

It’s that time of the year here in Southern California. Those of us who have spent a lifetime here can feel the fear in the air the minute the winds kick up to horrendous speeds. The smell of smoke and the sounds of sirens, helicopters, and fire-fighting aircraft just add to the angst. With eight fires currently active, more than 100,000 people have been evacuated, several school districts are closed, and workplaces are reduced to skeleton crews. With just a few degrees of separation—and sometimes none—everyone is being affected.

Yesterday I left my home in Santa Clarita to run some errands and couldn’t escape the conversations every place I stopped. It’s interesting to observe human nature when we are pulled out of our routines at work or home and have the children with us on a school day. I got a few smiles and hellos, but mostly there was an underlying tone of fear. It’s hard to see our homes or those of relatives or friends possibly in jeopardy. When you add kids to the mix, the fear bubble gets larger.

As an advocate of mindful parenting, I feel compelled to share a few timeless tools that have served me well in the past, when my children were little and a fire or a fire scare was at hand.

Stay indoors and stay calm: Fire marshals and other authorities are on every media urging the public to stay at home if at all possible. This keeps the roads and freeways clear for fire trucks, firemen, and those who are working around the clock to keep us safe. When indoors, take charge of the emotional temperature at home. Manage yourself first, so you can set the tone for your children, family, and pets.
Curb your media appetite: Unless it’s absolutely necessary—if you or a loved one are in danger—keep your TV and mobile-device usage to a minimum. The more fear-based data you have flowing through the air in your home, the more challenging it is to manage emotions. If you are not in a danger zone, have an auto-message ready to go to answer the wishes of goodwill that you will be getting. Mine is: Thanks so much for your concern. We are well and safe. If your children are home, it’s okay to add: Kids are home. Will connect with you soon. Add an emoji at the end as an expression of love or gratitude or both.
Keep the lines of communication open: Know that children’s senses are highly developed. They know or can sense that fear is in the air. If they are old enough, talk to them about fire danger and safety measures BUT in a tone that delivers information and not emotion. If you are feeling afraid, your children will start to mirror your emotions. So again, check your own emotional thermostat before you talk to your children. Reassure yourself first that all will be well, but definitely be prepared with the necessary safety steps for yourself and your family. I know it’s a fine line and tough to do, but if you’re wound up, you cannot support or communicate effectively with your children. If you have a tendency to be emotionally expressive, please do not get on social media platforms and add fuel to your internal fire—no pun intended. This will only make it worse.
Uplift the vibes in your home: Get creative, pull out those board games, play some soothing background music, order a pizza, and hang out with your kids. This might be a great time to pull out some joke books or even catch up on some family reading. When my kids were little, I used to take “breath breaks” every hour. I would round them up in the family room at the turn of every hour, and we would all take five deep breaths, raising our arms up with an inhale and back down with an exhale. It helped reset their internal emotional compasses back to calm—and, most importantly, my own as well. More often than not, one of my kids would say, “This is stupid but it really works,” and we would all break out into laughter!

Harry Truman said, “America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.” While the brave firefighters are courageously and with unbeatable determination tackling the job at hand, we can help and support them by first following their directions and then by using our imagination to send more courageous vibes their way. As a family, hold hands, close your eyes, and fill your hearts with feelings of courage and gratitude, then blow the thoughts their way. Believe me, the strong wind will carry it to them … fast.

 

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3 Quick Tools to Simplify the “Hardest” Job in the World – Parenting!

A few weeks ago we discussed why parenting seems so hard. This week, I want to share three simple action tools that help you, the busy parent, align your goal of shifting from “hard parenting” to “smart parenting.” In order to do this, let’s play the “switch” game:

1. Consider everything hard a challenge:

Let’s say that you are faced with a difficult situation with your kids. You’re at the cusp of exploding. Your inner self is screaming, “This is soooo hard!” Now take five deep breaths to slow down your heart rate and get the dopamine flowing into your brain. Then “switch.” Switch the word “hard” with the word “challenge.” “This is soooo challenge.” If you realize that doesn’t sound right, you are coming to your senses. Now be grammatically correct, and reword that sentence: This is sooo challenging, or this is such a challenge. The minute we say that in our head, we are signaling our brain, body, and being to do what we always do when faced with a challenge: Step up, come up with a resolution, rise to the challenge.

This simple word switch relieves us from the weight of the heavy, unyielding word ”hard.” Switching to “challenge” inspires us to step up, roll up our pants, and wade in. We’re only ankle-deep in the problem, not drowning or gasping for breath.

2. Explore the core (with honesty):

Let’s say that your child is resisting, procrastinating, and complaining about everything: I don’t like this snack. I’ll do my homework later. My tummy is hurting. You’re at your rope’s end already, and you just got home 20 minutes ago. You’re about ready to ship him back off to school or scream, “That’s it. You’re grounded!”

Take five deep breaths to slow down your heart rate and get the feel-good dopamine flowing into your brain. Then “switch.” Switch the words, “You’re grounded” to “Let’s explore.” Yes, “Let’s explore.” Now drop everything, and literally explore the core of the issue with exploratory questions like, “How was your day?” If the answer you get is, “Fine,” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” use leading words: “Are you tired? Was it a long day?” I promise you this will strike up a conversation and lead you in a productive direction instead of aimlessly wandering the “grounding” swamp.

Explore your core, too. Have you had a long day? Maybe you woke up at 4:30 a.m. and have been going ever since. Or maybe you had a rough day at work or a tricky situation with a friend or a co-worker or your boss. And if that’s the case then be honest and reflect.

3. Reflect, reconnect, and redirect:

If you’ve caught yourself before you exploded, and playing the switch game has gotten you on your way to resolve, congratulations! If, however, you have already reacted, know that redemption is totally possible when you reflect, reconnect, and redirect! Don’t stop, though, with the feeling that you were wrong. Reflect on how to make the wrong right. Don’t just think about the brighter side; actually switch to the brighter side. Here’s an excerpt from my book, The “Perfect” Parent that discusses this tool:

When we commit to reflect, it helps us redirect a situation in the direction of progress, which is growth. Why is a trying issue called a “challenge”? Because it challenges us to evolve and grow. Challenges are invitations for us to use our intellect to understand and redirect our emotions, to make better choices so we can guide ourselves and our children toward breakthrough emotions and communication. This is how we can reconnect with ourselves and our kids! By simply taking a moment to reflect on our own true feelings or behavior, we can enter wholeheartedly to reconnect with and redirect our children.

Rise to the challenge. Be open to explore the implosion before the explosion. Redirect your young troops, and reconnect with them by simply being open to reflect. This is what champions do. This is what leaders do. And you definitely are both for your children!

So when you’re feeling that parenting is so hard, Remember to switch—rise to the “challenge,” explore, reflect…and grow.

Here’s a statement that we all have made at some point in time while parenting. Some more often than others. But why is it that the most gratifying experience of our life is often awarded “the hardest job in the world” title?

Henry Ford said, “Thinking is the hardest work there is…” Parenthood is all about not just thinking but also feeling, not to mention all the physical labor that goes into it. It’s a Whole Body experience.  Our children and our concerns for their well-being challenge our physical abilities, our intellect, and our emotions. There are constant questions: from what diapers and formula to choose, to what vaccines they need, to how will they deal with the separation anxiety in preschool, to how will they respond to peer pressure in high school, to what college will be the right fit for them, to will they pick the right partner to spend their lives with, to will they know how to put their careers aside to make their children a priority, to will they be around to take care of us?

All of the above arise from a deep concern that I and all parents have about the CHOICES that they will (or will not!) make to benefit the new growth phases of their lives. The truth is that the more we think about our children and their future the harder it is for us. By worrying so much about them, we lose all this precious time that we could be spending enjoying the experience of parenthood. The “JOB” is not as hard as the “WORRYING” that nearly always comes with it.

Parents,

1. Do the best job you can do. Children will learn best by example. We are all the products of our environment. Focus on providing them a good, healthy, nurturing environment as best as you can.

2. Mis-takes are takes that are missed. They will be plenty more opportunities to make right if you or they have wronged sometimes. Mistakes are made to learn from. Keep the big question, “What can be learned from this?” right by any mistake that they or you make.

3. When worry strikes you, LET GO and FLOW. Know that, just like you made it this far, they will too. We tend to rob ourselves of being present by allowing our brains to over-think into the future.

– Allow the future to arrive at its own pace, unfurling its secrets when it will –

4. Treasure this gift of life and this role of parenting and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! As Neil Postman said, “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” They are our messengers of love.

5. LAUGH out loud with them. Laughter magically pops suppressed emotions, yours and theirs.

6. Tell them you love them. EVERYDAY! There is no stronger affirmation than “I love you,” especially when you’re mad at them. Love heals!

At the end of life, we are remembered by the relationships that we leave behind. Gravestones read “mother, father, daughter, son, wife…” not “CEO, customer service representative, President or homemaker”… it’s all about the relationships and amongst relationships, the words “mother,” “father,” or “child” come first. Because as hard as parenting might seem now, it is the most profound, concrete, gratifying, trying, and important job you’ll ever do.

Live your present with a clear perspective of the end and you’ll replace the words “hardest job in the world” with the “most loving job in the world” in a jiffy.

In Joy!

The post 3 Quick Tools to Simplify the “Hardest” Job in the World – Parenting! appeared first on Tools of Growth.

What You Can Learn About Parenting From Wine Tasting

I was at a wine tasting event recently and couldn’t help but notice how dialed in most people were to the experience. It was interesting to observe how the first sips of a new pour activated a different taste—oaky, fruity, smooth, tart, or sweet, to mention a few—for different people. And they all seemed to enjoy the moment, regardless of whether the wine was to their taste or not.

There was one thing in common, however: Wine tasting was all about sipping and savoring the flavors in a relaxed state of mind. Then this thought crossed my mind: What if each of these people (mostly parents) could actually take a hint from this experience and apply it to parenting.

Like fine wines, our children are all different, and each interaction with them (positive and negative) evokes a different feeling. If we were to simply relax and enjoy the moment—sans judgment — just as we did at the wine event, wouldn’t that make us better at parenting?

I shared this with a parent sitting next to me, and she immediately said, “Oh! I never thought of that!” She went on to say, “You know I thoroughly enjoy wine tastings, but I’m the most impatient parent!” We exchanged numbers, and she called me a week later to pass on this comment:

“This week was my best parenting week ever! My six-year-old lost her lunch bag, my nine-year-old forgot her homework at home twice, and my thirteen-year-old used a curse word at school. Before I reacted to each situation, I thought of our conversation and entered the discussion with each child with only this in mind: ‘My children will bring different feelings and flavors to my life. How I am going to react to them will determine my experience and relationship with them.’ So I decided consciously that, just like at a wine tasting, I would soak each feeling in and draw out the flavors of each happening with no judgment. After all, I don’t know what I’m getting out of every new bottle when the wine is poured in my glass. I’m just keeping my eye on learning what I like and dislike, all the while just sipping and not rushing or reacting.”

Clearly, I didn’t have to say anything more. We never know what we are going to be faced with in our children. Even they don’t know! We have no power over that. What we do have autonomy over, though, is our response. That we can fully master… well, most of the time. And that is good enough to create healthy connections and lasting relationships with our kids.

So slow down, savor the moment, be present, open-hearted and open-minded, so you can soak it all in and enjoy the ride into the unknown with your children. Your attitude will determine the trajectory of your parenting ride and shape the life skills of your children.

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Why Does Parenting Feel Like the “Hardest” Job in the World?

We all have felt “this is so hard!” Sometimes it’s “hard” because we’re physically exhausted, and at other times, it’s because we’re mentally exhausted. And here’s the big one – it’s even harder when we’re emotionally exhausted! Of course, there are also those super hard times when we’re served a combination of the above.

None of us are immune.

“I left you two messages, and you haven’t called back. Is everything okay”? asked my Mom more than once.

I finally broke down and complained, “I just didn’t find time, Mom. I’ve been so busy with the kids.” Then I added the most common parenting mantra: “Why is this is so hard, Mom?”

She giggled as she responded, “It’s just life. You should have thought of that before you had children.”

“But what does that even mean, Mom?” I said. “This is not something we can ever think of?”

She reality-checked me instantly, “And what do you want me to do about this?”

She was right, but I thought I’d have some fun, so I tried to trump her. After all, this was pre-FaceTime, and she couldn’t see me. With a big smirk in my heart, I played it a little further, “Why did you not tell me how hard it would be?”

She exploded, “If I had told you, would that have stopped you? You didn’t have your children because I told you to. And maybe you didn’t know the first time, but if I remember correctly, you did have a second one three years later. I’m sure you knew then, no? Anyway, that’s just the way it is. You’ll be fine. How are the kids?”

Really, why does it feel so hard to raise children? After all, aren’t we adults who manage our jobs, homes, vehicles, finances, self-care, and sometimes our parents? Yes, it can get a bit much at times, and we go through peaks and valleys with our lives, but we are never challenged as consistently as we are challenged by our children! And, yet, we hear that it’s just the way it is when we commit to raising children.

Well, let me tell you why I think that’s the case. Our living, breathing little loves are ever-changing and growing. They are morphing internally and externally constantly and consistently. When our children change, they grow—not just physically—and as they grow, they change. And there we are, right beside them. Like a braid, life, parents, and children are intertwined to form an intricate external and internal experience that shapes both our own lives and our children’s. Each strand is perfectly and intricately connected. So when our children go through their growth phases, we have no option but to ride the twist and turns at their speed and their level of understanding. If they’re having a long, hard day and their emotions are flying all over the place, so are ours. The reverse is true as well: When we have had a hard day and our emotions are flying all over, we cannot help but affect them.

What really makes this ride seem “hard” is our own resistance to the process of change and growth. When our children are faced with an experience that pushes them to change, learn, and grow, we feel that aftershock. Our kids have life experiences that are different from ours—just as ours were different from our parents’. More often than not, we push back by losing our emotional balance. If we just remind ourselves that this is how life is designed to move forward and that all we need to do is respond to this push calmly, the tugging and pulling naturally simmers down. In other words, our children’s growth pushes us toward our own growth, and we should respond by committing ourselves to that process.

It’s only our resistance that makes raising kids seem so “hard.” It’s being set in our ways and thinking our way is right. It’s not really listening and not letting them complete what they are saying before jumping in. It’s not being open-minded enough to listen to their very different point of view, let alone accept and respect it. This is how we set up roadblocks and stunt our own growth and theirs.

As adults, we tend to get stuck, stagnate, and resist change, well, at least until our children come along and push for it. Have we ever considered that that’s why they come into our lives? To keep us changing and growing. Their very presence makes us more patient, kind, and compassionate emotionally; more alert, responsive, and dynamic intellectually; more connected, reflective, and committed spiritually.

Once we commit to allowing life to flow through us—by simply being open-hearted and open-minded toward change and growth—the push and pull eases up. When we turn down the volume of emotions, we melt the “hard” out of daily parenting. This commitment, this shift in perspective is the only change we need to make to take “hard” out of the equation.

 

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