Laura Bennet's Blog, page 18
October 14, 2018
Calling All Writers!
If you are currently a writer, whether published or still working on it, you’re invited to check out my new Facebook group Real Time Writers for tips, encouragement and accountability.
We’re having a good time learning our craft, helping each other with advice and interacting.
Some of us are published authors, some are newbie writers and some are wanna-be-someday writers. It’s a fit for all of the above.
To join you will need to make a request and answer a few questions pertaining to where you’re at in your writing journey.
In the near future, I’ll be offering classes too!
Join with us on your writing journey.
The Effects of Addiction Trauma
That’s my disclaimer. But I have read dozens of books, spent hundreds of hours in counseling and led groups dealing with addictions. Most importantly, I’ve experienced addiction in some way for the majority of my life. Either being addicted or living with one.
Here’s the simple truth.
Whether we live in addiction or live with an addict (usually it’s both), the trauma of that lifestyle imprints our being with carved patterns of unhealthy thinking and behavior. It warps our perspective so that our reality is skewed.
We cannot tell what is true.
Lest we think that by addiction I mean alcohol or drugs only, let’s be clear about the addiction to which I refer. We can become chemically addicted to drugs or alcohol, yes. And while those substances garner most attention, we can also be addicted to sex, gambling, shopping, food, control, cleanliness, fears, social media, television, reading, new ideas, extreme sports…basically anything that has mastery over us.
Whatever triggers the pleasure center of our brain and causes a rush of adrenaline or dopamine can become an addiction. In themselves, those hormones and chemicals are beneficial and help us in life, but when we’re hurting, either physically or emotionally, we can seek the release to ease our pain.
Too much of a good thing, as they say.
The downside is trauma induced by the repetition of addictive behavior. Without the hours of training or a state generated license, here’s part 1 of what this layperson has learned about the effects of addiction trauma.
*We don’t know what loving someone really means – Life becomes a struggle to keep others happy while trying to make them love us. This is not what love is all about. We shouldn’t have to make anyone love us. Covering for their indiscretions or making excuses for them (or them for us), taking the responsibility for their actions, carrying the weight of the relationship is not loving, it is enabling. Not meeting their all their needs, demands (or desires), does not make us unloving or cold. Love never demands, it gives. God loves us unconditionally. He loved us first. Healthy people can give and receive love without conditions.
*Lack of trust – Relying on people feels like a dangerous proposition usually because our experience with unhealthy people says they think about what pleases them at the moment, not what is wisest for them or others. Their choices that show lack of consideration for others are hurtful and sometimes cruel. Whether we are the addict or we live with one, constant betrayal leads to suspicion. It becomes difficult to trust, not only those we live with, but anyone.
*Desire for vs. fear of intimacy – Being intimate requires vulnerability. We long to be known and close to others, but we fear them knowing us. Since it’s impossible to be intimate with someone we don’t trust or be vulnerable when we fear disclosure, we can run in and out of relationships. In a healthy relationship, we accept and are accepted without conditions, but addicts hide to alleviate feelings of shame. We leave people guessing about who we really are. Or, we wonder why we can’t seem to get close to the other person. We may try to detach ourselves emotionally from others to feel safe, but that isn’t healthy. Or we may need to detach from someone who is cruel or abusive. Unfortunately, they may then accuse us of being cold or distant. Either way, intimacy eludes or strangles us.
*Seeking fulfillment in other areas – When one area of addiction isn’t enough anymore to keep us numb, our children may become our emotional stability or our work, hobbies, friends, food, shopping; we may even turn to alcohol, drugs, or adulterous relationships to feel better about ourselves and our lives. Unfortunately, the feeling of fulfillment is temporary and we end up setting or continuing patterns that will eventually destroy us and others we love.
When addiction of any type becomes consistent, it grooves patterns in our soul and in our brain. But addiction is only a symptom of a deeper issue. Once we take time to heal the hurts of our life, and make a conscious effort to create new patterns, we find we no longer need the thing we were addicted to. However, depending on each individual situation, some addictions can take days, months or years to overcome.
There is no quick fix for an unhealthy lifestyle and it’s damage.
But there is hope. The Bible said that it’s for our freedom that Jesus Christ came. God loves us and longs for our lives to be abundant and prospering (I’m not talking just about money here). He hurts when we hurt and wants to heal our pain. When we let him REVEAL what’s underneath the issues, and we choose to DEAL with the problems, he can HEAL us so we won’t need something else.
It’s a journey. Join me?
September 30, 2018
5 “Steps” to Peace
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I don’t believe in formulaic approaches to a life with God.
God’s too vast and creative to limit him to five easy steps. But he’s also pretty obvious about simple actions that set us up for success in life. Sometimes in my Bible reading, I discover he’s given us some clear-cut ideas that will bring us good.
God’s all about good for us.
Recently, while reading in the book of Matthew, these simple truths jumped out at me. God didn’t write them as a list, but I found a list as I read. A simple, uncomplicated, set of actions that ultimately lead to peace. Here goes…
BE who you are – God tells us we are chosen, beloved, children. He cares more about being in relationship with us than what we do for him. He made us each with unique personalities and traits. Learn to “just be.” If we don’t know who we are, we can ask him. He’ll tell us.
GO where God leads – God will tell us what steps to take, where to take them and when to go if we ask. Once we learn to rest in being, God will lead us into action that fulfills desires he puts in our hearts, blessing us and those around us.
WAIT – sometimes we have to wait for God to tell/show us what our next steps are. Sometimes he gives us a step and then we wait for the one after that. While we wait, we can remember to BE.
REST in God’s presence – God’s got us covered so whether we’re being or going/doing, the results are always on him. If we follow his lead, we can trust him to take us in the best direction. Sometimes circumstances may not look like what we expect or even want, but if we rest in him, trusting he knows the bigger picture, we will end up in a good place.
GIVE back – when we learn or experience something, we can give what we have to someone else to help or encourage them. If we keep what we learn, we stagnate. Think river flowing rather than Dead Sea.
THANK – give glory and honor to the God who loves, leads and covers us. When tough stuff happens, we cry out to God, but when good stuff happens we can tend to forget the God who cares for us. And, thanking God even in the midst of difficulties reminds us of how big God is and helps us trust him no matter what our situation looks like.
While God doesn’t give us a formula for following him, he does offer some simple (not always easy, but simple) steps to gain more freedom in our lives. As I focus on these, I find my internal life becoming less complicated even if external circumstances aren’t.
But isn’t that what peace is all about?
September 9, 2018
Different, Not Wrong
Photography Laura Bennet – artist unknown (Do you see a waterfall or a flat surface?)
My husband and my first golf experience revealed a core issue in our marriage.
My husband plays golf. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s good at it. Unlike me, who has been on a golf course twice. And, I spent more time playing in the cart than in the game.
However, my dad taught me all he knows about golf. He’s good at it.
Despite my lack of actual course experience, I’ve hit dozens of balls on the driving range (I’m not even counting putting on miniature golf courses). I know how to hold the club and keep the arm straight and knees slightly bent. I’m not saying I’m consistent or good, but still…
So how did what should have been a pleasant activity turn into a forced, disappointing situation? Why did our fun evening digress into an argument? Brendan thought his experience would benefit me. I decided to stick with what I had been taught.
We both wanted to do things our way and couldn’t see the other’s perspective.
It seems we aren’t the ones who coined this dilemma. From what I understand, many people struggle with the same issue. World conflicts, politics and the ongoing argument of which way to load a dishwasher are proof. Knives down, people!
Whether it’s about golf or any other number of situations, we both have understanding and opinions based on legitimate past experience and information. Even if it’s not the same, they’re both valid.
Neither is wrong or right, they’re just different.
In a healthy relationships, we do the following:
Listen to the other person’s experience and perspective
Validate that the other person’s view is legitimate even if we don’t share it
Be open to considering the other view as a way to broaden ours
Be willing to compromise when it will better serve the relationship
Choose the best way for each of us given the new information
Voice our position calmly, honestly and without condescension, excuse or defense
Allow the other person to choose their way without judging or criticizing them
We’re still figuring out the healthy way.
Those opposites that attracted us often lead to frustration as well. Initially, I appreciated that my husband’s strong opinions could stand in the face of mine, but later I discovered I didn’t like being challenged. Both of us believed the other one should hold our same perspective without any question.
I don’t think either of us were often very open to the other’s perspective.
The good thing is it’s never too late to change. Being in relationship, whether a marriage or with a friend, family member or co-worker challenges us to become better people. It broadens our scope of how we see life. It makes us compassionate. That’s why God created us for community.
The Bible puts it this way:
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
Our last golf experience during Father’s Day was better. We encouraged each other, let the other person do things as they wished, and I asked Brendan for some help. Well, maybe once.
I guess we have grown some.
You can read more of the story along with the miracles God did to connect us online and bring my Australian husband to America in The Miracle of Us: Confessions of an Online Dater.
September 3, 2018
Letting Go of Expectations
Far back, as long ago as I can remember, I believed perfection was the key.
I remember spilling a bottle of milk on the kitchen floor as I attempted to “help” my mom with the groceries. As a devastated three-year-old, an expectation formed in my soul and proved itself over and over in my life that if I could do everything right, say the right things, act in a certain way, all the wrongs in my life would be miraculously fixed.
No more bad stuff. If I could just get it right.
So my disappointments ran pretty high. Since no one is perfect, and I certainly wasn’t, my sense of achievement topped the charts too. Driving myself to accomplish more each day, and in a more perfect way, a failure to measure up left me spiraling down into a depressed state.
But not for long.
Because that wasn’t allowed in my perfect world. Especially as a Christian. Someone who believed in God, shouldn’t feel fear, anger, frustration, sorrow or exhaustion. Right? Only joy and gladness were granted space in my mental box of “rightness.”
My false beliefs bled into other areas of life.
I not only expected myself to get things right, but couldn’t understand why other people messed up too. Eventually, I learned to have grace for them, but not for myself. And if others did things wrong that affected me? Well, that was unacceptable.
Recently, I’ve seen myself from a better viewpoint – God’s.
He’s been showing me the places I expect so much from myself and reassuring me that he loves me for me, not for what I can do right or better or even at all. He’s been helping me rest in his perfection so I can let go of mine.
I’ve had a few opportunities to practice.
Relationships are great for that. Whether it’s family, friends or work situations, God gives us places to work out what he’s freeing in our hearts. I love that he is so kind and caring to point out our “stuff” and lead us into new ways of coping.
He’s teaching me to let go.
In his loving kindness, God’s gently told me that I wasn’t hurt in my past because I did something wrong or didn’t do something right. He’s said that I can’t fix my past by controlling my present or future. I can’t keep bad things from happening by making everything right or perfect.
Instead, I’m learning to expect from Him, not me.
Jesus is perfect. He loves me. He promises that because I’ve believed in him and accepted his dying for me, his righteousness covers me. In everything. Past, present and future. No matter what I do or don’t do right, I’m still covered, loved and delighted in.
That’s good news.
And it frees me to be me. The good stuff, the flaws, the sorrow and joy mingling together. I can rest in that place of freedom. I can choose to rest there. Every day there are places of choice.
You can choose too.
“It is for freedom that Christ sets us free.” Galatians 5:1
August 26, 2018
What Are You Afraid Of?
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The scene above may be humorous, but fear is nothing to joke about.
God wired us with a healthy sense of fear to protect us from danger. But when fear dictates our lives, we can become trapped in patterns that destroy us.
Here are a few things I’ve been learning about fear lately:
Fear steals our identity
Fear makes us question our God given attributes and desires
Fear leads us to question another person’s motives
Fear causes us to judge others
Fear makes us assign conclusions about people or situations that aren’t accurate
Fear causes us to assume we know what someone’s intentions towards us are
Fear says lying will protect us – it keeps us from speaking the truth
Fear leads us to read God’s word inaccurately
Fear causes conflict within us
Fear keeps us from seeing another person’s pain
Fear of losing something makes us compete with others
Fear makes us cling to only one way of thinking
Fear causes us to lash out if someone has another opinion or perspective than us
Fear paralyzes us
Fear leads us to close ourselves off from others
Fear keeps us ineffective in our lives
Fear prevents us from being fully engaged in life
Maybe that’s why God tells us not to be afraid; that he didn’t give us a spirit of fear.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…” 1 John 4:18
God is love and he loves us. We don’t NEED to be afraid when we believe he loves us and will take care of us. He knows all and has everything under control. So if we surrender to him, we can rest there and live in freedom.
I’ve been asking God to tell me what I’m afraid of. If we ask, he’ll tell us. And he’ll tell us what to do about it. I’m learning a lot about myself and the places I’ve been trapped.
He’ll also reassure us that he’s right there. Like a kid jumping into a pool into his daddy’s waiting arms. That’s us with God.
That’s a good place to be.
August 19, 2018
My Story’s Not Finished Yet
[image error]Having just completed my next book, Dangerous Ground, I’m extremely aware of what goes into writing a novel.
Usually the beginning is the easiest.
An idea grabs me, and my creative instincts take over, spinning a new tale with ever-evolving characters. It’s fun to get to know the players and see what they will do as the story unfolds. I also typically have a general idea of what the goal is, and therefore, what the ending will be.
But then, there’s the middle.
Ask any author, and they will tell you the dreaded middle is where we aren’t sure how it will all fit together, and whether the ending will actually play out, This is when we question our ability and desire to be a writer in the first place.
Recently, one of our pastors shared a message about having faith for the middle.
God often gives us a vision of what is to come in the future. He tells us where to start, and as we say yes to him, we’re launched into something we know will be great.
But then, the middle comes.
We don’t see the point, we’ve lost sight of the goal and we’re tired. And maybe confused. Things don’t look like we expected. As a matter of fact, they may even seem to be moving backwards.
Our pastor made some really great points about how to keep our hearts and minds in the right place when we’re in that middle space.
Don’t allow our feelings to determine our faith.
Don’t put our faith in things or circumstances.
Trust that God has a greater purpose while we’re in the middle.
I could relate to the idea of God working in the middle. That’s the messiest part. That’s the place where I fall in love with Jesus because I have to press close to him to get through. (You can watch his entire message here.)
Like in writing a book, the middle is where all the action is. It’s where the characters fall in love or start to see a solution to the crime. And that’s where we perfect the story.
In the middle, the story’s not finished yet.
Maybe you are in the middle of a story in your life. I know I am. It may feel like it will never end or certainly never end satisfactorily. But with God, there is always a good ending. Don’t give up while he’s writing the middle of your story.
I made it through the middle of Dangerous Ground, and while it didn’t exactly turn out the way I expected, I think it ended up being better.
Here’s a sneak peak of the cover. Thank you, CulpritMedia Group!
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Look for it on Amazon in time for your Labor Day weekend reading!
July 15, 2018
The Writing Journey
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It’s been nearly three years since the idea for my next book, Dangerous Ground, began rattling around in my head. Bits and pieces flew at me on the road, in my sleep, in the shower and, well, just about everywhere.
It’s quite a journey to write a book.
Surprisingly, the idea originated with a writer’s group prompt. A local organization held a contest for a few weeks during which time they posted a picture in the newspaper and asked for short stories based on the photo. (The original is posted below.)
I’m not good at short stories, but I forged ahead with the prompt for our next meeting. What happened next? The beginning of a story unfolded.
No short story, either.
The picture inspired a scene which connected to a book on human trafficking I’d read a few years previously and turned into an idea for a novel. Of course that was only the beginning.
Three years later, a book is born.
It’s like waiting for a baby. Only longer. And the labor, rather than being a few hours to a couple of days lasts much longer.
So here I am in the final stages of that labor. I’m polishing words, sentences and formatting while the cover is being designed.
One exciting aspect about Dangerous Ground is that I will be donating at least half the proceeds to three organizations that fight human trafficking and help those who have been rescued. One is international, one is national and one is located near my home in Florida. In my years of research, I found that each one of these organizations has the same heart motivation, but targets a distinct need.
If you’re interested in checking out the organizations click on the links below:
http://www.a21.org/content/who-we-are/gnihwo?permcode=gnihwo&site=true
https://www.notforsalecampaign.org/
https://www.bridgingfreedom.org/
So every person who buys the book will also be helping an important cause.
I love that.
Look for your chance to be a part of changing the world one book at a time beginning in August. Release date coming soon!
Here’s a teaser:
Sierra tried to pull her eyes open. Through blurring slits, she saw the black car with its door open. She didn’t want to go in the big car, but her legs wouldn’t work when she tried to kick them to say no. Then the seat belt buckle hit her face. A trickle of something wet rolled down her cheek. The last thing she remembered was her body pressing against the seat as the car sped off.
Writers Competition
July 8, 2018
Journey Into Darkness
Sometimes in order to find light, we must journey into darkness.
I stumbled upon this great video of Kristene DiMarco, worship leader at Bethel Church in Redding, California, who tells the story of her time spent in San Francisco when she found herself in the middle of an overwhelming, dark place. God used that season of her life to speak to her about him, about her and about the world around her.
Her profound thoughts describing her journey direct us in ways that will take us forward into more of what God has for us.
I can’t add to what she’s shared.
But I guarantee if you watch only a part of this video, you will be opening a place of light in your life, especially if you find yourself in a dark, confusing or questioning place.
Thank you, Kristene, for sharing from your heart, the heart of God for all of us.
June 17, 2018
Are You in Chains?
“I will break the yoke of bondage from your neck and tear off the chains…” Nahum 1:13
Say what?
This verse from the old testament prophet spoke of the ancient oppression of the Assyrians. The Lord promised his people that their freedom would come from his hand. So what does that have to do with us today?
We can be chained by pain from our past. Wounds caused by the actions of others whom we still haven’t forgiven or poor choices we made and their consequences, but often our bondage comes in the form of patterns we’ve developed to cope with daily life.
I love what author, Mary DeMuth, wrote in her devotional Jesus Every Day. Her words grabbed me with their simple truth.
“…the chains and yokes have become terribly familiar to me, like companions I nurture instead of anomalies I should shun. They are my normal. And so without even knowing it, I walk around shackled, and I can’t even see where they’re cutting my soul anymore.”
We all have those places that we don’t even recognize.
They can cause us to:
Get stuck in unhealthy ways of relating
Excuse our destructive behaviors
React unreasonably to the words or actions of others
Over react in common situations
Become isolated or suspicious of others
Feel haunted by our past
God wants to free us.
He uses his word, his presence and other people to do so. Connecting with a trusted, wise leader or good friend who will speak truth to us even if it hurts can reveal those hidden places of bondage and start us on a road to freedom.
Unfortunately, that can be scary.
We don’t like to be nudged outside our comfort zone. And as Mary writes in her “Chains” devotion Day 179, we like what has become normal for us because it’s how we navigate our lives.
“It’s like a comfortable blanket.”
The thing is, we might think those chained areas are secure, but they keep us from the abundant life God has for us. They keep us from good, healthy relationships with people who love us. They rob us by making our world very, very small.
So, I’m asking God to reveal those places to me that need to be freed up and changed. I’m trusting God can and will do it.
Will you join me?
