Luke Gilkerson's Blog, page 4
September 2, 2015
Is Courtship in Crisis? (Part 1 of 3)
For seven years, Thomas Umstattd, Jr. ran the website PracticalCourtship.com to encourage a national conversation to help the so-called “courtship model” work for more singles. He eventually became convinced that courtship wasn’t working for most people. He wrote the article “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed” which went viral and then prompted him to dig deeper into the issue.
Thomas is now the author of the book, Courtship in Crisis: The Case for Traditional Dating. Today we talk to him about why he thinks modern courtship isn’t working.
Show Notes:
1:23 – When did modern courtship begin and who were the big proponents of it?
2:40 – Are we facing a “singleness epidemic”?
4:05 – What is “traditional dating”?
6:00 – How did the social norms around dating change over time?
9:02 – What is the “fundamental flaw” of courtship?
10:48 – One of the marks of modern courtship is exclusivity. What does this look like?
17:50 – Another mark of modern courtship is doing things “for the purpose of marriage.” What does this dynamic look like?
19:51 – Another mark of modern courtship is a premium on parental control. What does this look like?
22:28 – Another mark of modern courtship is the importance of high accountability. How is this practiced?
25:36 – Another mark of modern courtship is an emphasis on “purity rules.” What kind of rules?
28:11 – Another mark of modern courtship is its intentionality and intensity. What does this mean?
31:08 – Another mark of modern courtship is the requirement of “marital readiness.” What is this?
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Leave a comment: How do you define “courtship”? What do you like about it? What do you hate about it? What’s your experience with it?
The post Is Courtship in Crisis? (Part 1 of 3) appeared first on Covenant Eyes.
August 26, 2015
A Marriage Redeemed from Porn: Darren and April’s Story
Darren was in seminary, in training to be a minister, but his secret addiction to porn was growing. His wife April tried many things to help Darren to stop, but finally after 11 years of marriage, she left him.
Last week, we talked to Darren and April about the day she left, the consequences of that decision, and why she eventually came back. Today we talk to them about what brought health and healing back to their marriage.
Show Notes:
0:45 – What’s the “formula” for getting your husband to stop watching porn? Is there a formula?
4:12 – Describe the kind of community in your life that has helped you move your marriage from crisis to healing?
6:43 – Why is Internet accountability such a powerful thing for you and your marriage?
8:13 – What counseling measures have you put in place to help you break free from porn?
10:18 – How does trusting in the gospel help to transform our lives—even for people living in the shame of porn?
14:19 – If you had a captive audience of pastors, what are five big things you would say to church leaders about the issue of porn today?
Read more of April’s story:
Grasping for Air, Hungry for Grace (excerpt from the book Hope After Porn)
5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn
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August 19, 2015
The Day She Left Him: How Porn Nearly Destroyed Their Marriage
Darren was in seminary, in training to me a minister, but his addiction to porn was growing. Four years into their marriage, his wife April found out about it and continued to discover signs of his problem for eight more years. Little by little, her respect for Darren was dying. He continued to make excuses and justifications—until one day she had enough.
In today’s podcast we talk with both Darren and April about his porn addiction, the day she left, and how God eventually brought them back together.
Show Notes:
0:56 – April, when did you first find out about Darren’s pornography problem? How bad did the problem get?
3:19 – April, talk about the years that led up to the moment when you left Darren?
7:01 – Darren, what kept you going back to porn again and again despite the fact that April was so eager to create a great marriage in spite of your addiction?
11:31 – Darren, what can help a man turn away from porn?
13:47 – Darren, what is it about the gospel that brought you to a place of honesty with yourself and with other people.
22:47 – April, what happened to you in the six months you were away, and why did you return?
Read more of April’s story:
Grasping for Air, Hungry for Grace (excerpt from the book Hope After Porn)
5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn
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August 12, 2015
Get Real with God about Sex: How the Gospel Changes Us
Last week we began our conversation with John Freeman, president of Harvest USA and author of Hide or Seek: When Men Get Real with God About Sex.
This week he talks with us about how the gospel has the power to transform us—even when it feels like pornography has a strong grip on our hearts.
Show Notes:
1:00 – What are the two big steps to “get real” about your porn struggles?
3:00 – Who makes an ideal accountability partner?
6:43 – When it comes to overcoming the grip of our sin, what do you mean when you say “the gospel” is what frees us?
11:10 – How does the gospel disrupt the life of the porn addict?
15:50 – How does it mean that the gospel dispels the lie that we are powerless?
18:48 – Why do we have to believe the gospel is for me?
23:03 – What does it mean that the gospel takes us to “the banquet room”?
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August 5, 2015
Is Porn Your Idol? Interview with John Freeman
Men who struggle with porn aren’t just wrestling with sexual sin. Often they are “God haters,” they are “idol makers,” and they are “game players.” What do these labels mean?
Today, we’re talking with John Freeman, president of Harvest USA and author of Hide or Seek: When Men Get Real with God About Sex. He speaks with us today about the inner world of the man addicted to porn, his love-hate relationship with God, the things he cherishes most, and the ways he hides from others.
Show Notes:
0:48 – Why were you inspired to begin writing this book, Hide or Seek?
1:48 – What is Harvest USA and how long have you worked with the ministry?
2:47 – In Hide or Seek, you talk about porn addicts—even Christian porn addicts—becoming “God haters.” What does this mean?
8:25 – What probative questions would you ask someone to help them understand their anger at God?
11:50 – What do you mean that Christians who struggle with porn are “idol makers”?
20:30 – What do you mean that Christians who struggle with porn are “game players”?
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July 31, 2015
4 Ways Porn Warps the Male Brain
I’ve often heard men say, “I love looking at porn. Besides it doesn’t hurt anything. It’s only fantasy. What’s the problem?”
Now, you may not have a moral problem with porn, but many are starting to have a medical problem with it. The more we study the impact of porn on the male brain, the more men are starting to think twice about porn being a harmless pastime.
1. Porn gives men a new standard of beauty.
In 2002, the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, published research showing that when men are shown pictures of centerfold models from Playboy and Penthouse, this significantly lowered their judgements about the attractiveness of “average” people.
In our hyper-sexualized media culture, is this something that really needs to be reinforced? Should we train our brains to rate women by the size, shape, and harmony of their body parts? Do we want our standard of beauty to be shaped by a fictional standard or by the woman we are actually in love with?
2. Male brains don’t just view porn. They enter into it.
The journal NeuroImage published a study in 2008 demonstrating that as men are sexually aroused by porn films, something called “mirror neurons” in the brain also fire.
What is a mirror neuron? Have you ever seen someone get hit in the face with a ball or some other blunt object, and then your own body recoils? This is because of mirror neurons: you instantly react as if you were the one hit.
When it comes to porn, the brain naturally imagines the viewer in the pornographic scene. When a man is turned on by porn his body is not merely responding to the naked woman. His brain is picturing himself as the main character, heightening the arousal. You see, porn isn’t merely arousing to men because the women in it are attractive, but because it makes the man feel sexy.
This trains men not to get their sense of personal validation from real life relationships but from pixels on a screen.
3. The more porn men watch, the more their brains look like an addict’s brain.
In 2014 scientists at Cambridge discovered that the brains of habitual porn users show great similarity to the brains of alcoholics. When a self-confessed porn addict is hooked up to an MRI machine and then is shown a pornographic image, a brain structure called the ventral striatum “lights up” in the same way it lights up for an alcoholic who sees a picture of an drink.
You might be thinking, “So what?” Well, researchers speculate that continued use of porn over time, especially starting at younger ages, makes it such that we actually lose willpower. The more we watch porn, the more difficult it is for men to say to no to watching porn because of the strong craving they feel.
This is not the kind of men most men want to be. We want to enjoy our passions, not be enslaved to them.
4. Porn makes violence sexy.
According to research by Dr. Dolf Zillmann and Dr. Jennings Bryant, the more porn one is exposed to, the more likely one is willing to trivialize rape. In their experiments, after watching just five hours of pornographic films stretched over a six-week period, subjects were willing to cut the sentencing of an accused rapist nearly in half, compared to those who had not watched pornography at all.
Those who watched more porn were also likely to believe that practices like sadomasochism were two to three times more common in general society than those who had not seen porn. Of course porn doesn’t make most consumers into sexually violent people, it does train men to embrace a culture of objectification, reinforcing a belief that women exist to give sexual pleasure to men. Again, is this the kind of men we want to become?
Let me make an appeal to men:
if your goal is to become a man whose standard of beauty is shaped by the one you love…
if your goal is to feel a personal sense of worth and validation based on your most valuable relationships…
if your goal is to be a man of self-mastery, not enslaved to your passions…
and if your goal is to treat women as people to be served and loved, not see them as objects for your pleasure…
…then consuming porn will take you in the opposite direction.
You can learn more in the free e-book, The Porn Circuit.
DOWNLOAD “THE PORN CIRCUIT”
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July 29, 2015
Girls Watch Too: Pornography and the Modern Woman
Today we’re speaking with Dana Brown Smith, author of the new book, Girls Watch Too! Female Fascination with Pornography: Why You Should Care and What You Should Do About It.
In addition to being a frequent blogger on the Huffington Post, Dana is founder and president of the HR outsourcing firm Exalt Resources, L.L.C. Drawing on her personal experiences with porn, and pulling from her expertise responding to sexual harassment claims in the workplace, she brings an in-depth perspective to the effects of pornography on women.
Show Notes:
0:58 – Why did you write the book, Girls Watch Too?
3:54 – When was the first time you saw pornography?
5:55 – When did you develop a habit of looking at pornography? How bad did it get?
12:16 – How did you let the secret out to others?
16:22 – What are the statistics of porn use among women?
22:03 – What do women in particular need to keep in mind when it comes to breaking free from the grip of pornography?
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July 24, 2015
Couples Using Porn: Does it increase sexual satisfaction?
Many people claim porn can increase a couple’s sexual satisfaction—making us excited about sex with our partner and giving us fresh ideas in the bedroom.
The fact that people watch porn because they find it exciting and pleasurable isn’t up for debate. But is watching porn really conducive to true intimacy and real sexual satisfaction?
Porn Use is the Norm
Among the rising adult generation, many men and women see continued porn use acceptable, even while in a longterm relationship. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found, among young adults:
The largest group (70% of men and 56% of women) say porn use is acceptable while in a relationship, whether it is used individually or by a couple.
The next largest group (22% of men and 26% of women) say porn use is unacceptable because of being in a committed relationship.
The smallest group (5% of men and 13% of women) believe porn use is always unacceptable.
For the majority of young Americans, pornography use—at least as long as it doesn’t become obsessive—is not seen as a problem for couples in a romantic relationship.
Spicing Up the Erotic Climate
In one sense, it shouldn’t surprise us that couples who use porn in the bedroom might have seemingly high levels of sexual satisfaction. Compared to couples that have different convictions about whether porn is healthy or moral, or compared to couples where one partner is sneaking around to look at porn, couples that use porn together are at least on the same page.
The research bears this out:
One study in the journal Personal Relationships found the more men watch porn for personal masturbation, the less sexually satisfied these men feel, but the more men and women watched porn together during lovemaking, the more sexually satisfied men feel.
Another study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found when only one partner uses porn, this can lead to arousal problems in men and negative self-perceptions in women, but when couples used porn together to enhance their sex life, there is a “more permissive erotic climate” in the relationship—i.e. men and women communicate more about their sexual fantasies and desires.
Bigger Orgasms ≠ Better Intimacy
However, when we investigate the matter of couples viewing porn together, we are often asking the wrong questions—or at least making the wrong comparisons. The question is not whether shared porn use bodes well for relationships compared to solitary use for masturbation. The question is not whether honesty about porn use is healthier than dishonesty.
A better question is whether couples watching porn together is optimal for real intimacy.
In other words, there’s no doubt communication about sexual expectations and fantasies is good for couples. There’s no doubt honesty and eliminating secrecy is good for relationships. Of course couples can benefit from being adventurous or keeping things fresh in the bedroom. But why is porn needed for any of that? Moreover, what needless side effects can be avoided if we pursue sexual vibrancy without the aid of porn?
According to a study of unmarried couples published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, compared to those who watch porn alone and those those who watch porn with their partner, those who don’t view any porn at all have much lower rates of infidelity—and this should hardly surprise us.
If we are using the erotic images of others to turn us on in the act of lovemaking, the focus of our attention is not our partner. As couples watch porn together, they only reinforce the notion that attraction to others is expected and even encouraged. Instead of working to cement a bond where your partner is your standard of beauty, you communicate, “I need someone more to turn me on.”
According to research from Drs. Dolf Zillmann and Jennings Bryant, regular exposure to porn—even over a short period—can produce the following effects in both men and women:
A decrease in sexual satisfaction – Individuals begin to rate their partner’s physical appearance, affection, and sexual performance next to what they observe pornographic films.
A devaluing of commitment – Individuals begin to undervalue the importance of marriage, the idea of having children, or the importance of faithfulness in a relationship.
A dehumanization of women – Individuals begin to believe all women are as hysterically euphoric about sex as porn actresses, and they show a drop in support for women’s rights in society.
A desensitization to cruelty – Individuals begin to believe activities like anal sex, group sex, and S&M are more common in society, and they tend to trivialize sexual violence.
A desire for more porn – Individuals begin to crave more porn, more varieties of porn, and harder material.
Better sex is not measured by bigger orgasms. The big O of sex is not orgasm; it is oneness. And we don’t achieve this kind of intimacy staring at pixels on the screen.
Learn more about these psychological effects of pornography in the free book, Your Brain on Porn. Download a free digital copy now.
The post Couples Using Porn: Does it increase sexual satisfaction? appeared first on Covenant Eyes.
July 22, 2015
Game Changer: Kirk Cousins Talks About Online Integrity
Internet accountability—it both develops and demonstrates your integrity online.
On today’s podcast we are speaking with Kirk Cousins, quarterback for the Washington Redskins. Kirk was starting quarterback at Michigan State starting in 2009. In 2011, he won the Senior Class Award, which is awarded to one outstanding student athlete in the NCAA Division I for football. That same year he was honored to give the Big Ten Kickoff Luncheon speech. In 2013, Kirk published his first book, Game Changer: Faith, Football, and Finding Your Way.
Today Kirk speaks with us about why he wrote the book, the challenges of living a life of integrity in professional sports, and the challenge of living a life of integrity on the Internet.
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July 17, 2015
Myth: It’s My Fault My Husband Looks At Porn
Women often ask us, “What should I have done differently in my marriage so my husband wasn’t drawn to pornography? What’s wrong with me that he likes this stuff?”
In this video, Matt Fradd explains…
It isn’t your fault you aren’t hundreds of online two-dimensional women.
It isn’t your fault you aren’t as clickable and customizable as digital images.
It isn’t your fault that sex with you doesn’t look like a scripted, heavily edited film performed by sex athletes.
Hear more on this topic:
Porn and Your Husband: Your Questions Answered
Why Does My Husband Look at Porn and Say He Loves Me?
Why Does My Husband Prefer Porn to Sex with Me?
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