Brendan Shea's Blog, page 21

It Could’ve Been Me

Since we lost Dorothy Miles, today’s Google Doodle subject…

I have to be grateful. She was a sixtyish writer who succumbed to suicide.

She did great things in her life, and her life was important, but my mental illness is largely healed, thirty plus years in, and I am very thankful.

Please feel free to read about Dorothy Miles here.

And here.

Here is a song about it by Kirk Franklin*

God bless you.

(*the song is about homelessness but is the correct sentiment)

Not My Favorite Genre

Potential Spoiler Alert

I saw Alien: Romulus today; not my favorite genre, but I’ll admit the first one onscreen, up close, in 1979 at the age of twelve was exciting.

This time out there were fresh young unknown faces, good acting, excellent effects, and some startling fresh surprises.

I don’t like to tell the plot in a review, but it was fairly predictable per the story has been told many times before, and there were also some plot holes that could have been tightened up for clarity and continuity.

If you are a fan of the series, I’d say this was a good entry, if you are not, I’m not sure if it is worth seeing. A Quiet Place: Day One, was a much better story (IMHO), and given it is not my genre, that I liked every minute, speaks to its quality in my estimation.

Again, the actors of Alien: Romulus were very good, unknown to me, but the most of the story and some of the plotting seemed weak. Die hard fans may not agree, and I’d have to understand why. The series has tension, pathos, action and a bit of humor.

I did like the relationship between Carradine (Cailee Spaeny) and Andy (David Jonsson), and while nobody likes Alien android, Ash Rook, I have to say that this is the first time I’ve seen a CGI portrayal by a deceased actor credited as, “Referenced by (Ian Holm)”.

I wasn’t dragged kicking and screaming to Alien: Romulus, but it is not my usual cup of tea. After a rousing sermon, a quick tasty bite and helping out with a few things after church onsite, I felt like going out and sharing my faith.

Ending up in a cavernous theater watching bloody gore was not my strong intent, but my fellow moviegoer was in clover, so that was something good, and the other good thing is that unlike most such stuff, the creepy bad guys didn’t get to me and I returned home mentally unscathed.

Score one for the Big Guy!

(from the great cast of alien: romulus)

New Book, Next Chapter

Here is the next chapter of my new book on kidney disease, “timestamp”

Hit me again?

So I went in to Kaiser to see a Nephrologist. This was new territory for me. I was concerned, and so I ought to have been. The specialist, in retrospect, glossed over some items, and later, too, the nurse; they were very good, but I suspect they have to manage patients who catastrophize their situations, not to be harsh.

While I am somewhat of a hypochondriac and can be fatalistic at times, I am also a survivor and an optimist. 

The doctor initially made CKD seem like a rather orderly walk in the park. He outlined my situation in neat bullet points, metaphorically:

You opt for transplant or dialysis

I opted for transplant

You wait until your GFR is ⋜ 19You get on a waitlistAfter transplant you’re home free

I went home and told my wife, 

“I’ve chosen transplant, everything will be fine. The doctor said I’d have no problem getting a transplant through Kaiser. I’m home free!”

Normally I was more cynical than to believe all I was told, but naivete in this context might not be all bad. When I later visited the nephrology nurse, she sat me down for an hour, showed me a depressing video about the lowly estate of the CKD patient, and tried to encourage me about my situation.

She is a very good nurse and person, but the initial nurse visit bred apathy and discouragement. She noted:

It can take 2-5 years to get a donorYou can reject the new organDialysis is often needed priorLife expectancy is maybe 15 years with dialysis

My subsequent visits with the nurse have been excellent, and the doctor is also good, but I disagree with how they “eased” me into the world of CKD. 

It’s not their fault my kidneys declined, but I definitely think earlier diagnosis could mean a longer and higher quality of life and a better preparedness for many.

Concerning dialysis

The nurse also educated me on the three dialysis options:

PeritonealHome dialysisIn-Center dialysis

With peritoneal dialysis, you have a better life expectancy, it is easier to travel, you don’t need a machine, no needles needed, transition to transplant is better, and more

On the negative side, you have to do it every single day, bathing has limits, you can gain weight, and you need storage space for supplies. There is also a potential for infection.

With home dialysis, survival rates are also improved. You don’t need healthcare professionals on a constant basis. You can have greater comfort and privacy. There is more autonomy.

However, you have to have a partner to monitor you, trainings must be attended, and you have to contact a hemodialysis center if you have questions. You need to store and maintain a machine as well.

If you are having dialysis done, In-Center, then you’ll have trained professionals assisting you, and you can make friends with fellow patients in some cases.

The downside is that you have to work with the center’s schedule, you have to travel at least three times per week, and you can’t have family present.

The Perfect Meal

a trip to whole foods

I was out gallivanting… or getting out of the house for a bit, for the mutual if individual sanity of both my wife and myself. I work from home, so the weekend represents opportunity, and if we aren’t doing something as a couple, I try to get out some.

First, I headed to my branch of the San Jose Public Library, a great system, and I’ve enjoyed a number of theirs, and others. Locating a Lucky Day title I was mildly interested in, I picked it up, knowing I’d have to consume it in three weeks or return it early.

I don’t necessarily take three weeks to read a single book, but I’m usually reading at least a few books at once, so things take a while. After delighting in a chapter of one, I switch “channels” and go to something else. It is usually a pleasant device, and I get fiction, thrillers and memoir, or whatever genres are on my plate.

Next, I was ready for lunch but am trying on weekends to not eat before Noon. I headed to Recycle Bookstores’ main location, in San Jose, to see what surprises they might have for me.

I didn’t find anything I liked, but got to see the library cat, browse interesting sections, and expand my knowledge of their selection. The atmosphere at the main location is pleasant and undemanding, and the visit was agreeable.

Lastly, it was definitely time for lunch. When I am at the main location of Recycle Bookstore, I tend to stop by Whole Foods for their salad bar. I was jonesing for Panda Express, but get that more frequently, and something told me to vary my selection.

Parking at Whole Foods was OK, but unparking was bad. Next time I’ll place my vehicle further from the store entrance, hopefully resulting in a better, unparking scenario. That would be one not fraught with cars trying to run into me, and too many pedestrians to stay away from.

Inside was heavenly. I grabbed a large cardboard container, and filled it with all manner of vegetables (all ones good for my kidneys, like cabbage, onions and cauliflower), tortellini, dolmades, falafel, grapes, rice, baked chicken, quinoa and some casserole type action.

The outdoor tables invited, and I had books, but they were in the car, I needed the facilities and it was a little noisy, so I headed home, cleaned up and poured my cardboard box into a bowl that perfectly accommodated my repast.

Pairing it with my favorite Cheetos, I dug right in. It was all delicious, both the warm and the cold stuff. Usually veggies play second fiddle to chips in my luncheon selections, but here, the salad won out easily, outclassing the Frito-Lay treats.

I filled out a form to try and win a gift card from Whole Foods that I learned of from my sales receipt; if I succeed, I’ll probably be eating a lot more salad bar.

(mine was $12.99 LB)

(Don’t Kick) The Habit

A Great Burger Joint

Today’s lunch was at The Habit.

My wife said, “We can go to Popeye’s or Chipotle for lunch.” In a rare move, she had me accompany her after church on her biweekly grocery run. She was under the weather, and let me do the heavy lifting. I was familiar with some of the restaurants at this particular shopping center, and was not eager to eat at either offered destination.

I said, “What about the burger place?”, and she said, “You want that?” So I got what I wanted after making sure if wouldn’t upset her tummy as she had been having some issues in that area. She assured me it was OK.

I like The Habit. The atmosphere is friendly if spare, the food is good and you can get some offbeat choices such as vegetarian options.

I think I’ll try the veggie burger next time, but today, I enjoyed the impossible burger. I was going to spend more money adding mushrooms, but then I looked at the regular toppings (below), considered how expensive fast food is these days, and got it as is.

ORIGINAL IMPOSSIBLE

520 Cal

A seared Impossible (TM) patty (a plant-based alternative patty) topped with caramelized onions, crisp lettuce, tomato, pickles, and mayonnaise on a toasted bun. Cheese extra. Impossible is a trademark of Impossible Foods, Inc. Used under license.

Since my CKD makes fries a (mostly) no-no, I thought about my beloved onion rings, but had had them a lot lately, so I looked at the menu and recalled the tempura green beans. They turned out to be better than I remembered; the perfect symbiosis of grease and legumes.

Rounding out my selection was some kind of hibiscus iced tea. It was the perfect blend of soft ice, herbal flavor and minimal sugar.

With 250 locations in California and more around the USA and a couple internationally, The Habit is a great place to get a healthier burger that still tastes great.

New Book Cover: Timestamp

And Sample Chapters…

this book was formerly called, “Hit me once”, and was also titled, “into the grey”…

Middle age

After remarrying, to a San Jose native, I moved to her domain, and became a local apartment dweller. 

I had been in sales support (telemarketing) for loans and mortgages in Pennsylvania, and secured a position in the solar industry. After some years of commuting, I landed another solar job locally. Since COVID-19, I’ve worked almost exclusively from home, and remote work seems to suit my introverted personality.

Rolling merrily along

Visiting Kaiser periodically for routine blood work, my asthma on the wane, and my brain chemistry fairly stable, I figured I was coasting a bit, and that all things being equal, while I was overweight due to meds, things seemed good.

Hit me?

So, I went to Kaiser for my routine bloodwork. I had a past diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder, and currently was pre-diabetic, a longtime asthmatic and overweight to boot.

The psych meds were to blame for the diabetic proximity and the weight, and while the Zyprexa was no longer medically necessary, per my psychiatrist, I could not sleep without it.

I had to get bloodwork more often with Kaiser, but also to check on my Zyprexa bloodstream levels. I no longer took Depakote at all, as my mood swings had thankfully abated after a few decades, so there was less concern on the part of my mental health overseer.

My primary care provider also looked at my tests and as my cholesterol was then high, he regularly ordered a lipid panel.

I was in the habit of reviewing my bloodwork results, often requiring fasting beforehand and occasional concern afterwards. But I was not intimately familiar with most of the terminology therein. Some items like LDLs and Triglycerides became more key for me to understand, but other items like Creatinine were a mystery. I’d heard of the stuff when working out and drinking sports drinks, but that was the extent of my pursuit.

I scanned through the test results that day, in ignorance; and it was on Feb 28, 2022 at 10:40 PM, that my doctor emailed me that my kidneys seemed to be functioning significantly subpar. My doctor tested me again in March, to confirm, and said my kidneys had declined again. I was beginning to worry.

I was a hypochondriac to begin with, but the thing you think will get you, is not always, in the end, the culprit. In a past relationship, I worried about things I had done that would deter my lady from liking me, but it was my then debt that she found to be anathema. Yes, I’d worried about coronary disease, and a heart attack could still kill me, but I never once considered the kidneys as my potential kryptonite.

Here is a link to my Author Page on Amazon

Here is my latest finished book on Amazon:

Chapter 2 of my New Book

About CKD: Chronic Kidney Disease

I’ll try to publish several chapters to my blog before going on to publication

(this book is not yet completed)

Bipolar 1?

After the holdup in New York, my stepfather drove me to Pennsylvania, where he and my mom were then living. I was unstable in mind, and soon would be diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

In and out of psychiatric wards over many years, my last evaluation reported there was no need for the tons of various meds I’d had to take, and so after frequenting mental health drop-in centers, doing a bit of mental health consumer advocacy and trying to keep my head together for three decades, I was able to drop all medicine, save for that which just helps me to sleep at night.

After a too hasty marriage and an unhappy divorce (I suppose “unhappy” and “divorce” are seldom mutually exclusive), I returned to sunny California, and lived for seven years with my widowed mom in Oakland.

(Hit Me Once was the original title of the book, but Into the Grey is the working title; do you prefer one over the other? Please let me know if the comments section)

My New Book

About CKD: Chronic Kidney Disease

I’ll try to publish several chapters to my blog before going on to publication

(this book is not yet completed)

Coming up

So I grew up in Berkeley and Albuquerque, mostly. My mom was a book buyer and librarian, and is now retired and living in California. My stepdad died in 1994, but was a carpenter and cabinet maker who quit Cal Berkeley before giving his doctoral dissertation when his first marriage went bad.

His degree would have been in the Latin Classics, and when he phased out the carpentry that sustained, he returned to school as a substitute teacher. 

My dad passed away in 2010, but was not a part of my childhood or teen years. I made peace with him, and appreciate the amends he made.

I went to Berkeley schools, but dropped out of the tenth grade and my mom said I’d have to work, so my work ethic was forged in my mid-teens, and remains active today.

My only health issues as a kid were bad dandruff, acne, bad asthma and insomnia. I was also addicted to food, and had an unfortunate but all too common lust for the airbrushed ladies.

As to the dandruff at least, in my forties, I found a shampoo (Dermarest), that keeps my scalp clear. I tried Head and Shoulders, Denorex, Selsun Blue, Neutrogena, Nizoral, TeaTree, and many more, but over four decades, only the Dermarest/Psoriasis formula worked; that, and the fact that my wife doesn’t allow me to eat a lot of fatty foods much. Cutting down on an oily salty diet made all the difference in the world.

To overcome acne, I consulted with my grandmother, who grew up during the great depression, and probably felt there was a cheap solution to many ills. She simply told me to stop touching my face. I am a stubborn person, but also sometimes very suggestible, and I took her advice; I stopped touching my face, and all my acne went away for good. I’ve had very little acne since that time.

The asthma was a harder nut to crack, and I had to take medicines such as Marax and Theodur. When I had bad attacks, Primatene Mist was a joke (it might have worked for some but not for me), and eventually, when it was apparent my breathing was not clearing up, my parents would take me to Oakland Children’s Hospital, where they’d put me on a nebulizer, which always cleared up my lungs and restored easy breathing. 

If you’ve never had an asthma attack, you might think being grateful for breathing was weird, but believe me, it’s like manna from Heaven, and the kind that the Israelites had not yet tired of. 

My mom used all manner of techniques to help me through my asthma, from weaning me on to a lifetime habit of drinking hot tea, to crushing the bitter nasty Marax over my food to get me to take it. She employed a humidifier to try and keep my lungs open, but later, when we moved from California to New Mexico (in the mid-1980s), it was the dry air that cured me. 

I participated in an asthma study at the VA hospital in Albuquerque, where we lived, after qualifying by having poor enough peak flow meter ratings, likely among other reasons. Before I left for New York three years later, I tried to earn a few extra dollars by participating in another study, but failed to qualify as my lungs were clear!

I was ecstatic, but the doctor or nurse said to remember that the asthma was likely to recur when I got older. That did occur, but so far, in my fifties, the meds are better, the inhalers are way better, and my asthma has never been as bad as in my early teens in Berkeley. Hopefully that will continue.

The insomnia was blamed (by me) on my asthma meds. They were designed, at least in part, to speed up my heart, easing my lungs labor. As a result, or so I thought, I could not sleep until the wee hours of the morning. That did not work well with my (past and regrettable) porn addiction, and it did not work well with school. 

I’d get to school dead tired (if I even went), and between being groggy as all get out. My other bad habit was not helping either.

Later in life, I got to know my real dad, and while he helped to ruin the first half of my life, he did try to make it up in his second half. One thing I learned about him was that he couldn’t sleep at night. He went to bed in the middle of the night, and got up around midday. 

So maybe my theory of the asthma meds being the culprit was incorrect.

Over some of my health issues, in Albuquerque, I worked at some retrospective art house theaters, in arclight cinema projection, and also did restaurant work and sold art supplies at a retail store.

On moving to New York, I studied theater, and performed in a significant experimental Shakespeare production, among other exploits in the field of drama.

During my New York years, I earned most pay waiting tables and managing a café. When the café was held up by a gunman, I handled the situation with calm and efficiency, but later had a nervous breakdown.

End of chapter.

Alternate cover:

(which do you prefer, readers?)

Weekend Comfort

to start your day

Tenth Avenue North – By Your Side (Unplugged) via @YouTubeMusic

My Book is #1 for Baseball Essays and Memoirs :-)

Dear Readers,

Sorry to beat a dead horse, but my new book, White Fences Black Stars, is #1 in Amazon Hot New Releases in its category.

Please click to download or order a copy.

But I look forward to writing other posts for your interest as well.

Best, Brendan Shea