Tracy Shawn's Blog, page 5
August 9, 2017
How Twitter Tamed My Anxiety
By Tracy Shawn, MA
~ 3 min read
Please note: this piece was first published with PsychCentral on July 27, 2017: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/27/how-twitter-tamed-my-anxiety/
I’m sure a lot of you reading this are having a difficult time believing that Twitter could help decrease anxiety. I wouldn’t have believed it before I tweeted myself. In fact, the only reason I ventured into Twitter territory was because a social media expert at a writer’s conference highly recommended it, saying it was “a virtual cocktail party for writers.” With shaky hands — literally — I created my Twitter account that very day.
Five years have gone by since that first login. During this time, I’ve connected with Twitter folk from all over the world, people who are passionate about many of the same topics I am, including the arts, civil rights, and, of course, mental health issues. When I read about other people’s journeys through anxiety and depression, I became less isolated. And, may I add, less ashamed as well.
In the past, I hid my anxiety from all but my closest friends and family. My thoughts swirling with irrational fear, I tried everything from therapy to meditation. Nothing assuaged my constant apprehension. Having bought our culture’s pervasive notion that it was “mind over matter,” I felt as if I had failed, as if I were too weak to confront the very thing I needed to conquer. Yet Twitter showed me just how strong, successful, and empathetic fellow anxiety warriors can be.
Alongside the slow but steady healing that occurred when writing my debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” the world of hashtags (#) opened a window onto other people’s lives that inspired me as well as helped me to inspire others. I learned to search almost anything with a # before it (such as #Anxiety), and there I was! Day or night, I can click into ongoing conversations where there are people who are experiencing similar issues, who understand, who want to help — and who want to be helped. And… people who are brave enough to share their emotional struggles with a global community (#MentalIllnessTaughtMe).
Of course, we have all heard about (and some of us have experienced) the downside of social media use, including online bullying and the warty troll who can pop its ugly head up from time to time. Depending on how these issues are affecting the user, actions may include blocking certain accounts, taking a social media break, or even working with a counselor. As counter-intuitive as this may seem, learning how to ignore less-than-supportive comments can actually help empower people living with anxiety deal more productively — and less reactively — with those less-than-nice people they may encounter in real life.
Current research backs up the positive aspects of social media use in regard to mental health and anxiety. An article in the News Corp Australian Network, January 5, 2017 cites a study conducted by the University of Melbourne, concluding that social media use can help people suffering from anxiety. According to this article, a senior lecturer in psychology, Dr. Peggy Kern, told ABC TV that over 70 studies on the subject have shown that for some people, social media use was very beneficial, as it helped people to feel more socially connected to others. She also added: “those with social anxiety actually seemed to benefit from being able to connect in a way that is less anxiety-provoking.”
A 2016 article by Samantha Cowan titled “Why Twitter Is a Great Place to Talk About Mental Illness” in TakePart (a digital news and lifestyle magazine from Participant Media, the company behind acclaimed documentaries such as An Inconvenient Truth) points out that “Talking about mental health online is especially popular with young people, who might struggle to talk to their families or seek out mental health professionals.” This piece also states that founder, Jenny Jaffe, and social media manager Jose Rivera Jr. of Project UROK (an organization that works to end the stigma of mental illness), feel that “more often than not” tweets regarding mental health issues are “supportive, helpful and empowering.”
I often think about the phrase “The Kindness of Strangers” when I engage with another thoughtful follower. Although the average person is surrounded by neighbors, coworkers, family, and friends, sometimes it’s that online person you’ll never even meet who can “get” you, uplift, and soothe your weary soul at the very moment you need it the most.
What a gift, too, to be a part of a movement that is working to end the stigma of mental illness (#endthestigma). So, yes in my opinion—as well as I bet millions of others — Twitter is a place that can empower, motivate, and heal. Who would have thought all of that could happen in 140 characters!
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn) and other online book outlets. She is currently revising her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
July 18, 2017
On Marriage: Advice to Newlyweds and Beyond
by
Tracy Shawn, M.A. (See Amazon Author Page at: https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn)
The following piece is a revised letter I recently wrote for my soon-to-be married niece. I’m including it in my blog feed because it offers universal advice to newlyweds—as well as people trying to keep any long-term relationship alive.
The first thing is this: Love does NOT conquer all. That being said—it sure as hell helps!
When you drift down the aisle on your wedding day, the heady drug of attraction and optimism of youth will make it seem as if love is all you need. And, sure, love is what brought you and your partner together in the first place; love is the major ingredient that will hold you two together in the long run. Yet, life beyond your rose-scented marriage ceremony will sometimes smell less-than sweet!
When the intensity of infatuation mellows, when everyday frustrations overwhelm, when life disappoints, your love—and relationship—will be tested. How, you may ask, can you and your loved one pass this test? After being with the same man for over nearly thirty years, I offer this advice: Respect Your Differences, Communicate Your Needs, and Laugh Together. Please note, by the way, that all relationships take time and patience to work. In fact, I need to heed the following tips myself more days than not!
Learn to respect your partner’s point of view—and teach your partner to respect yours as well. No matter how strong your bond is you will remain two separate people with different histories, genetics, and ways in which you cope. For instance, when you’re stressed, you may need more time to yourself. When your partner’s stressed, he/or she may need to blow off steam with his/or her friends. The more you two respect your differences, the healthier your relationship will be.
Communicate your needs—and teach your partner to communicate his/or hers as well. Misunderstandings, fights, and resentments can often be avoided with clear communication. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself, while also taking time to listen to his/or her views. It can be difficult, I know! Here are some tips:
Make sure not to hit below the belt—ever.
If you do hit below the belt, apologize immediately. Owning your mistakes as soon as possible can save a lot of heartache later.
Discuss important topics after you’ve eaten (trust me, this one IS important!).
Share your curiosity, interests, and passions. Relationships can wither when all that’s discussed are the division of chores, complaints about work, and ongoing resentments within the relationship. Make sure to connect on a level that’s more engaging, discussing topics such as current events, opinions about movies, books, and TV shows—even if (or maybe—especially) if it’s something as wickedly fun as “Revenge.”
When all else fails, go out dancing with your friends—without your partner (we all need a break from time to time).
Make the time to have fun and laugh together. The muck of day-to-day life can dull even the shiniest of loves. So, enjoy small moments, like walking the dog together under a moonlit sky or enjoying a performance by your local theatre troop. Plan big adventures together, too. It’s memories—not things—that will create a happy marriage.
Spend your time wisely with each other—with humor, empathy, and forgiveness as your backdrop. And when the years roll by, remain grateful for that sometimes infuriating, but almost-always wondrous thing called love.
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn) and other online book outlets. She is currently revising her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
June 3, 2017
Positive Ways to Assert Yourself
Please Note: This piece was first published under the title “Leaping Over the Assertiveness Hurtle” with psychcentral.com https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/25/leaping-over-the-assertiveness-hurtle/ by Tracy Shawn, M.A., author (https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn)
Asserting yourself can be one of the most challenging communication skills to master, especially if you’re dealing with a defensive person or someone who verbally agrees with your requests, but never actually follows through.
In response, people who have unsuccessfully asserted themselves often give up or become angry. They react by ignoring issues, fixing the problems themselves, or losing their tempers. The first two approaches may seem to work on a short-term basis, but not in the long run. When people push down their own needs, anger and resentment often follow, which can lead to physical and emotional problems (such as headaches and depression). And when people react by losing their temper by shouting and/or calling someone names, the other party will often become even more defensive and uncooperative.
What to do, then? The Advanced Communication Guidebook for Interpersonal Communication by Toastmasters International provides five simple, yet powerful ways to maintain one’s assertiveness.
1. Realize the Problem is Your Own:
The first part to step one is to realize that the problem you are experiencing is your own. For example, if your co-worker Pamela talks too loudly on her sales calls, it’s not her problem but yours. For whatever reason her voice skyrockets when she’s speaking to potential clients, it’s not a behavior that upsets her—or she wouldn’t be doing it. Yet if it upsets you and makes it hard to concentrate, it is your problem—and you do have a right to speak up about it!
2. State Your Problem:
The second step is to communicate the problem you’re having without judging or blaming the other person. In the case above, you’d simply describe your issue to Pamela in non-emotional way. For instance you could say to her: “Pamela, I can’t focus on my work when your phone voice gets too loud.”
3. Share Your Feelings:
The third step to asserting yourself in a positive manner is to share your feelings, explaining how the other person’s behavior affects you. With loudmouth Pamela, you might say something like this: “I’m stressed out because I don’t think I’ll be able to finish my deadline today.”
4. Specify a Solution:
For the fourth step, verbalize a solution in a clear, nonjudgmental voice. An example of this could go something like: “I’d so appreciate it if you could lower your voice enough to still be heard by your clients, of course, but not so loud that it effects my concentration.”
5. Describe the Consequences:
This fifth step helps the other person more fully understand how her behavior is affecting you and the positive outcomes that can come if she respects and follows through with your requests. “If you do this, then I’ll be able to focus more and make my deadline today.”
Tips:
1. Speak Up As Soon As Possible:
Speaking up right away can prevent further resentment and stress. For example, asserting your needs to co-worker Pamela soon after her volume causes unnecessary distraction for you will hopefully decrease the offending behavior sooner rather than later.
2. Be Clear:
If you merely say that it’s hard for you to concentrate if people’s office phone calls are too loud, Pamela may think that you’re talking about someone else. Share the specific issue and what the other person can do to remedy it.
3. Remain Friendly and Calm:
Maintaining a friendly attitude helps others react in a more cooperative manner. If you also remain calm, it helps your credibility and increases the other party’s sympathy. If you become outraged or offend others, people will more likely become defensive and less likely want to help.
And…When You Still Hit a Brick Wall:
Let’s face it, no matter how well you follow these steps, there’s going to be some people in your life who won’t want to cooperate.
For example, Pamela may respond to your request to lower her phone voice by saying something like this: “But I have to speak up on sales calls because it helps me concentrate.” Pamela may also become defensive, lashing out: “Well, you should know that it drives me up the wall when you slurp your coffee!” Neither response acknowledges your request.
What, then, can you do? Stay on course. First, let Pamela know that you heard her — and if need be, maintain a sense of humor. It can be as simple as: “I understand that you feel it helps you to focus when you speak up on your sales calls,” or: “I’m sorry about my slurping (if you can also flash an apologetic smile here, all the better!). I wasn’t aware I did that! I’ll try not to slurp so loudly from now on!” But then, you go right back and repeat your request in a calm manner: “But I really do need to concentrate on my work, so I’m asking you to lower your volume to a more reasonable level.”
Pamela may still resist: “That’s easy for you to say. If you were in sales, you’d understand.”
When you find yourself in this loop, calmly repeat yourself until the other party understands (and hopefully!) finally complies with your request.
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn) and other online book outlets. She is currently revising her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
April 12, 2017
Coaching Techniques to Help You Motivate, Encourage, and Understand Others
Please Note: This piece was first published with Psych Central under the title: “We Are All Coaches” https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/04/02/we-are-all-coaches/
By Tracy Shawn, MA
~ 2 min read
A great number of people work as coaches, with specialties ranging from health and weight loss to life transitions and general goal setting. But even if you aren’t a professional coach, you still — whether you’re aware of it or not — use coaching methods to help encourage, understand, and motivate others.
Whether it’s urging your teenage daughter to clean her room, helping a friend with her next career move, or prompting a co-worker to pull his or her own weight, coaching helps both ourselves and others lead more productive, positive lives.
The three main coaching ingredients that lead to successful outcomes include active listening, clear communication, and non-judgmental evaluations.
When you put on your coaching hat, make sure that you’re “listening to hear, instead of listening to speak.” In other words, take the time to hear what the other person is trying to say, without jumping in with an opinion. No matter how well intentioned, it’s best to wait until the person has had the time to reveal why he or she may be acting a certain way before administering any kind of remedy.
Also, meeting in a private place where you won’t be interrupted helps this process, even if it’s as casual as the scenario of urging your daughter, Claire, to clean her room. For instance, Claire may be even messier than usual because she’s been feeling depressed about a recent break-up. If her little brother intrudes into the conversation, she may not be as likely to open up to you. So, whether it’s at work or home, make sure to hold your conversations in a quiet place where others can’t hear, and allow plenty of time for discussion.
When you want to help someone overcome personal or work-related issues, it helps to keep the communication open by staying as positive as you can, while stating your concerns in a clear, assertive manner.
Describing the specific reason why you may be concerned is a good start. An example of this would be: “I’m wondering why it’s been hard for you to get to work on time lately?” Using open-ended questions helps people give you a more realistic picture of what’s really going on. This can lead to more understanding on both ends, and hopefully a positive resolution as well.
If it’s appropriate, you may also want to share how the person’s behavior impacts others. For example, it may help the chronically late co-worker to get to work on time if he understands how his behavior is affecting others. Perhaps his tardiness is creating an overall dampening of office morale, or even an undertone of animosity toward him!
After sharing how his behavior negatively impacts others, it’s time to actively listen again to the other person’s response. Although you may hear a standard excuse or maybe even an apology, the real work is acknowledging what he has said and digging out any other conflicts that may be affecting him. Oftentimes, issues arise when people haven’t been trained adequately, don’t have the time to do their work properly, or feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated.
Once the person you are coaching has shared his or her challenges, it’s time to discuss solutions. It’s perfectly fine to offer suggestions, especially when the other person asks for them, but also try to help the other person articulate their own ideas. After all, that’s why we put on our coaching hats. Helping people define and work toward their own goals in the most positive ways possible is what it’s all about!
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon and other online book outlets. She has recently completed her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com and http://www.conquerworry.org/consulting.html
March 12, 2017
To My Fellow “Sensitive Systems”
by
Tracy Shawn, M.A.
When I was in college, my friend Lauren and I joked that if we were ever to start a band, we’d call it “The Sensitive Systems.” Kindred spirits, Lauren and I commiserated about how we felt different than the other students: parties, lecture hall classes, and even hanging out with roommates for any length of time exhausted the both of us.
Through the years, my sensitivity has only increased. I startle so easily that I actually scream if someone jokingly creeps up from behind to surprise me. I become so overwhelmed while shopping at big chain stores, I forget half of what’s on my list. As much as I love connecting with others, even the nicest of social functions can drain me after a couple of hours. I even get headaches if I’m online for too long!
Living in our fast-paced culture is not always easy for those of us “Sensitive Systems.” I know that I sometimes berate myself for not getting more done and push myself to move faster. Lately, though, I’ve come to the realization that this is my natural state. There’s nothing inherently bad or good about it: genetics, temperament, and physiology all play into how our body (and mind) reacts to stress.
I’ve learned that it’s helpful to take mini-breaks throughout the day, to arrive a bit later to parties (and/or leave earlier), to eat a well-balanced diet and get plenty of exercise. I also give myself permission to say no to some social events, as well as limit my time with people who—for whatever reasons—tend to drain me when I’m around them. And above all else, I’ve learned to appreciate my sensitivity as a trait that increases creativity, empathy, and even humor!
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon and other online book outlets. She is currently revising her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com
January 30, 2017
Controlling the Lure of the Social Media Siren
by
Tracy Shawn, M.A.
I only ventured into the social media world because I’m a writer. Otherwise, I would have been content connecting with friends by picking up the phone, and building my platform by writing articles and blogs.
But there I was a middle-aged woman in the 21st Century, whose debut novel was going to be released by a small press. It was time to dive in. It was time to embrace a world of posts, tweets, followers, and virtual friends.
At first, I was freaked out. Crap, how do people get thousands of followers on Twitter when just building 25 seemed like a feat? Why did a number of friends on Facebook find it too arduous a task to click the like button on my author page? Why did some people on Pinterest decide it was a great idea to post porn on my “Books Worth Reading” board? My eyes blurred, my head ached; I felt as if I had been falling down the rabbit hole of a topsy-turvy realm of online communication.
Yet, I also felt a strange pull too. As time went by, I found myself on Twitter several times a day, on Facebook more often than necessary, and would spend hours checking the names of people (and then their profiles) who followed my board on Pinterest, hoping I’d follow people back who wouldn’t post any lewd images.
Finally, I realized that I was spending more time on social media than I was writing. I hadn’t just dived in; I had kept on swimming to the point of exhaustion. I was going to drown if I continually answered the call of the social media siren.
So what did I do? I learned to control how much time I spent posting and tweeting, and at the same time, focused on ways to enjoy it. Below are some suggestions that I hope will help you too:
Focus Your Attention on Your Favorite Social Media Site:
There are so many sites out there and what works for one person may not jive with another. Find the one you enjoy the most (yes, enjoy!). If you’re going to spend time promoting your business, writing, art, music, etc., you’ll connect with more people and will feel more energized—not less—when you use it.
(Twitter happens to be my favorite because I can meet people from all over the world, plus I appreciate how placing a simple # before a word (such as #Anxiety) allows users a camaraderie that can be quite profound.)
I recommend almost daily visits to your site of choice (if you download the site’s app to your phone, then it’s quick and easy to check in).
On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to log onto your other sites only once or twice a week. When you do, make sure to check your notifications and messages and you’ll find it’s easier than you may think to keep up without becoming overwhelmed.
It’s Not All About Self-Promotion!
Even if you’re not promoting your art or business, make sure to support others while engaging in the creative and fun process of social media use. And if you are using social media to promote yourself, note that you’ll probably enjoy the process a lot more if you engage with others without constantly trying to sell yourself.
Of course, you can provide links to your art, music, books, and blog posts. Just make sure to reciprocate, appreciate, and respect your online friends. By doing this, you’re enriching your life by making connections with people who actually care. And…don’t forget that the occasional cute cat video can lighten up the mood!
Keep Your Perspective
With time, I also learned not to take things so seriously. If the likes on my Facebook author page mysteriously decreased, perhaps it wasn’t that people who had clicked the like button had decided to click unlike; it was more likely a technical glitch. If people stopped following me on Twitter, they were probably playing the numbers game (trying to gain more followers than they were following). And, hell, even if they didn’t like something I said, so be it!
The upside is that I’ve learned to take a lot more in stride. I also learned that it was impossible to please everyone out there. That alone has saved me time and energy.
In the meantime, I’ll continue sharing my own work and (hopefully!) pithy remarks, enjoy learning from other’s tweets and posts—and will keep laughing out loud at those adorable cat videos!
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon and other online book outlets. She is currently working on her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
December 16, 2016
How to Accept–and Learn From–the Gift of Criticism
by
Tracy Shawn, M.A. author of “The Grace of Crows“
Please note this piece was first published in Psych Central
Criticism is often shot with such irrationally charged arrows that it’s natural to yield a defensive shield, which can deflect any kind of positive resolution or self-growth.
Also, criticism can be jarring to one’s self-image. For instance, if you perceive yourself as a productive member of your company and someone declares that you’re a slacker, it can be a blow to your ego. It’s natural, then, to try and combat criticism.
Some people will react to critical words by withdrawing. Others like to rationalize criticism by spewing out a stream of excuses. And some people like to resort to counterattacks by criticizing the criticizer. These tactics not only often escalate conflict; they also block most any kind of positive resolution.
What are the best ways, then, to deal with criticism? Listed below are four constructive tips mentioned in the International Toastmasters Interpersonal Communication Guidebook:
LISTEN & ASK QUESTIONS. We often take criticism at face value. Yet, many times there’s a lot of emotional history hiding behind critical comments. It’s your job to listen with an open mind and to ask questions to increase your understanding of what’s really being said. For instance, if someone is criticizing you for forgetting his birthday, perhaps it’s really because he feels as if you don’t value your friendship as much as he does. If you take the time to ask what other things you may have forgotten, it may give you even more answers, which can help you resolve the conflict further.
ACKNOWLEDGE. Let the criticizer know that you have listened to him. This, alone, can reduce the criticizer’s anger. It also allows a safe communication process in which emotions are more openly discussed. You don’t have to agree with the content of the criticism, yet in recognizing the other person’s feelings, you are showing respect and consideration. It can be as simple as saying: “I understand that you’re hurt because I forgot your birthday.”
PARAPHRASE. If you use your own words to paraphrase what the other person has said, it gives the criticizer a way to clarify his thoughts and also correct you if you have misunderstood anything. This will help you gain further insight regarding the criticizer’s feelings, and will likely encourage a more positive resolution. It’s as simple as repeating back—in your own words—what the other person has already said.
AGREE WITH THE TRUTH. Make sure to acknowledge the truth. If there’s any merit to a criticism, admit it. For instance, you might say, “I did forget your birthday, and I’m very sorry for that.” This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the criticizer’s interpretation of the facts. For example, you don’t have to accept the judgment of the friend who says that because you forgot his birthday, you don’t care about the friendship. However, maybe you can still learn from your friend’s judgment—whether it happens to be an accurate barometer of your true feelings or not. Perhaps you tend to forget other important dates as well, which may make your other friends feel as if you don’t care as much as you really do. In this way, the criticizer has given you the gift of self-growth, a way in which you can change your outward behavior to better match your true feelings.
In conclusion, the sting of criticism can often be reduced when you remain calm and learn how to listen to what is really being said. When you continue to show respect to the person who is criticizing you—no matter how irrational and angry he may be—you are also allowing yourself to better accept the gift of mutual understanding and self-knowledge.
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon and other online book outlets. She has recently finished her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
October 31, 2016
How to Negotiate With Aggressive Communicators
by
Tracy Shawn, M.A.
(Please Note: This post was first published with www.psychcentral.com under the title “Positive Ways to Negotiate With Bullies.”)
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One of the definitions for “bully” in the Merriam-Webster dictionary includes: “a browbeating person who is cruel to others.” A definition for the word “negotiate” includes: “to arrange for or bring about through conference, discussion, and compromise.” Since the very core of negotiation is compromise—and since that is often the very last thing bullies are prepared to do, it takes some thought to maneuver through a negotiation process with one. But it can be done!
The Toastmasters Interpersonal Communication manual lists some basic ways to improve negotiating skills, which can also sharpen your ability, reach a compromise with an aggressive communicator. These tips include:
Breaking the ice before the negotiation process by making small talk (which establishes a more positive, relaxed atmosphere).
Using “I” statements (which helps make people feel less defensive).
Remaining honest and direct (so you don’t lower your credibility).
Showing appreciation (which helps people become more amendable to compromise).
Sticking to the issue(s) (which helps you stay focused).
Listening to the other party’s position—and be willing to make concessions in order to help her benefit from a mutual decision (which creates a more likely win-win situation).
The above tips will facilitate most any negotiation process because they help you remain calm, positive, and succinct. When dealing with someone who is bully, there are even more ways that you may need to enlist in order to negotiate in a firm, professional manner. Listed below are some suggestions.
According to a 2014 article in Newsweek, one of the best ways to handle a bully is to respond with a simple stare. Why does this measure work? The author maintains that it will give you the advantage because it often makes the bully uncomfortable enough to follow up with his or her own question—and, possibly, concessions. In this way, you are fighting the bully’s emotional sword fight with your own razor-sharp tactics.
The website for The Negotiation Training Institute states: “The bully negotiator uses aggressive tactics such as emotion and anger instead of legitimate negotiation skills.” In order to handle aggressive negotiators, it is best to “catch them at their act and point it out to them.” The typical reaction of the bully, according to this site, is to back off when he or she is “caught.” It’s a simple as confronting the behavior with a rebuttal such as: “I’m not falling for that one!” Or the subtler reply: “I must not have heard you correctly. Please say that again.” In this way, you’re calling the bully out on his behavior, with the hopes that he’ll take it down a notch—or three!
Lastly, be willing to compromise in a bigger way than usual. As stated in the beginning, compromise is the core muscle to all negotiations. When dealing with a bully, you may need to make sure that he feels as if he’s “won” in some way. For instance, if you’re negotiating a payment that the bully owes you, perhaps it would behoove you to offer something to “sweeten the deal,” such as decreasing the bill by a reasonable amount or donating an hour or two more of your time.
Above all else, remember that you have more power than you think. No matter how the aggressive negotiator treats you, you can control your responses—and your decision whether to keep working with him or not.
About Tracy Shawn, MA
Tracy Shawn, M.A. lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her award-winning debut novel, “The Grace of Crows,” is available on Amazon and other online book outlets. She has recently finished her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com.
August 22, 2016
How to Be a Better Person in One Day
By
Tracy Shawn, M.A. author
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There’s a very easy practice that is beneficial for your health, pocketbook, lowers your overall carbon footprint—and can also be considered an ethical choice. You don’t have to sign any petitions, march in any protests, or even donate any of your money. What is it? It’s as simple as deciding to go vegetarian—even if it’s only one day a week.
According to an article in Business Insider, producing one kilogram of beef uses 77 times as much water as producing one kilogram of potatoes. In another example, production of lamb meat produces nearly 40 times as much carbon dioxide as the equivalent weight in tomatoes. Besides the energy used to produce beef, livestock flatulence creates methane, another contributing factor to global warming.
The kind of facilities that rear livestock using intensive methods, exist all across our country. These facilities, called factory farms, are environments in which animal cruelty is the stuff of everyday business. Livestock exist in containment areas where they can barely move; this alone, along with other horrors, ought to change people’s minds about eating factory-farmed animals. Unfortunately, the meat from these businesses often is what often lands on our plates, whether it is in our own kitchens or at our favorite fast food joints and restaurants.
According to Food and Water Watch, factory farms also pollute the air and water, as well as feeding their livestock antibiotics and hormones to kill diseases and maximize growth and, thereby, profit. Sometimes, too, the bacteria present on these farms become resistant to their antibiotics and humans can become infected through meat consumption.
Although buying and eating humanely raised meat, poultry, and eggs is better for both an individual’s health, as well as the planet’s, it does help the environment to go vegetarian—or completely vegan—one day or more a week. The resources it takes to produce even humanely raised, organic meat is still much higher than what it takes to produce organic vegetables, grains, and legumes.
Below are some eye-opening facts from an article in Alternet by Kathy Freston, who has written extensively on the subject.
If the population went vegetarian for just one day, the U.S. would save:
100 billion gallons of water
33 tons of antibiotics
70 million gallons of gas
Freston also notes that Environmental Defense says that if every person in the U.S. skipped just one meal of chicken a week by substituting vegetarian foods instead, the carbon dioxide savings would be the same as taking more than half a million cars off our roads!
Eating less meat is also good for our health. In an article titled “Why Go Veg,” in Vegetarian Times, the author notes that scientific research has demonstrated many health benefits of a plant-based diet. Among them are: reduced risk for chronic degenerative diseases such as obesity, coronary artery disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and certain types of cancer including colon, breast, prostate, stomach, lung, and esophageal cancer.
Even if you’re a meat lover, going vegetarian may be a lot easier and tastier than you’d imagine. It also will save you money. (According to Vegetarian Times, if the average American went vegetarian for a year, that person would save about $4,000 annually.) Research charts on how to combine foods to make a complete protein, and you will find many mouth-watering alternatives. Here are some whole-protein dishes and snacks to enjoy on your meatless Mondays: vegetarian chili with cornbread, lentils and rice, a salad that includes asparagus and mushrooms, and handful of sunflower seeds and pistachios.
It’s that easy! And once you commit to a vegetarian diet one day a week, perhaps you’ll become motivated to incorporate this healthy-for-the planet way of eating on a more consistent basis.
Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her writing has appeared in literary journals as well as print and online newspapers and magazines. Her award-winning debut novel, The Grace of Crows, is available in paperback, e-book and audible editions. She is currently finishing her second novel.
August 9, 2016
Three Quick Remedies to Reduce Anxiety
First Published with The Change Blog: www.thechangeblog.com under title: “Three Easy Ways to Tame Anxiety”
by
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In the past, I felt as if anxiety were a force that could never be reasoned with.
Other people I know who suffer from this debilitating affliction agree: No matter how hard one tries, anxiety can still push its irrational “what if” agenda past logical thought, drowning one’s mind inside the most dreadful improbabilities.
As both a chronic and acute “anxiety warrior,” I had survived many years in a constant six to ten-plus anxiety level. Within the last decade, it’s decreased to a pretty consistent level two (though certain triggers can sometimes elevate it, the spikes are only temporary now).
What have I done to decrease it? I read many self-help books, dived into my own creative process, and learned self-talk techniques.
Below are three of the most successful—and enjoyable—ways I tame my anxiety. I hope they not only help you, but also provide hope that you can decrease your fear, allowing peace and happiness to tiptoe back into your life.
[image error]READING:
Reading self-help books about overcoming anxiety reminds you that you’re not alone. Knowing this, I believe, is one of the first steps to healing. Why? Because anxiety sufferers often feel isolated, misunderstood, and hopeless.
After all, how many people understand how much pain you are in as you go about your daily life, covering up the terror? How many people around you act as if anxiety is as easy to get over as the common cold? (If only I had a dollar for each time someone spouted off the well meaning—yet grossly ineffective—advice: “Just stop worrying so much.”)
When you realize how many others suffer from anxiety, as well as how many people have overcome it, then you won’t feel as alone or as hopeless. In turn, you’ll gain more confidence and energy in which to fight your own battle.
The other way to deflate your fear is to read fiction. Studies have shown that reading literature decreases anxiety because the reader becomes so involved with the protagonist that the brain reacts in such a way that whatever the character has overcome so, in her own emotional way, has the reader. If you want to know more about this phenomenon, research the phrase “bibliotherapy.”
On a personal level, I know that when I wake up in the middle of the night with a wildfire of what-if thoughts burning through my mind, when I turn on the light and read an engaging novel, the storyline douses the anxiety faster than anything else I’ve ever tried.
[image error]DIVING INTO THE CREATIVE:
Interestingly, I’ve come to learn that anxiety sufferers are often more creative than the average person. After all, it does take a lot of imagination to come up with—and believe—some of our more irrational fears. In my own personal journey, a large part of how I tamed my anxiety was by writing fiction.
How wonderful to discover that the thoughts rushing through my overactive brain could be channeled! I realized that the more I focused on my craft, the less my brain entertained “what-if” thoughts. Slowly, but surely, I was spending less time ruminating about all the horrible things that could happen, replacing it with far more positive and creative thoughts about what I was working on.
I highly encourage anxiety sufferers to engage in some kind of creative endeavor. It doesn’t have to become a career or even an all-encompassing hobby. But think about what takes you out of yourself. Creativity comes in many forms: baking, gardening, painting, even star-gazing. Be mindful of things that have allowed your brain to take a respite from fear and then try to practice those activities on a daily basis.
SELF-TALK SUCCESS:
Self-talk is the easiest, handiest, and I feel, oftentimes the most successful tool in which to decrease anxiety.
It’s simple: What would you say to a beloved friend who was struggling with irrational fear? To start, you would not call him weak—and you definitely wouldn’t agree that just because he’s ruminating about something, he’s going to manifest it.
Rather, you’d remind him of all the times he has worried about horrible things happening and how they never came to pass. You’d support him by commenting on his strengths and how he’s overcome other setbacks in life. Maybe you’d even add how he’s not alone, and that there is hope. To incorporate self-talk into your own life, speak to yourself in the same manner.
My favorite self-talk phrase, which has often pushed back many an anxious thought, is this: “I’m only telling myself a story.” Somehow this simple sentence puts it all in perspective. Please feel free, my dear anxiety warriors, to use it whenever you need to!
AUTHOR BIO:
Tracy Shawn, M.A. is the author of the award-winning novel, “The Grace of Crows,” about how a woman with debilitating anxiety is able to transform her life: www.amazon.com/author/tracyshawn. Tracy is currently working on her second novel. Please visit her at: www.tracyshawn.com
