Tracy Shawn's Blog, page 3

How to Stop Pushing Your Own Emotional Buttons

Please note: first published with PsychCentral under the title: “Are You Pushing Your Own Emotional Buttons? Learn How to Stop” On January 1, 2020

By Tracy Shawn, MA

  ~ 3 MIN READ

 

Most everyone recognizes those times when other people trigger unwanted, negative emotions and reactions. There are oodles of how-to articles, too, where one can find advice on how to both recognize and handle those button-pushing situations. What is more difficult to decipher, though, are the times when we push our own emotional buttons.  

Let’s first take a look at what getting our buttons pushed by others looks like. Oftentimes it means that someone has intentionally (but sometimes unintentionally as well) done or said something that creates a strong emotional response, which usually triggers negative emotions such as anger, frustration, and shame. An example would be when your grandmother so graciously recounts the time — in front of your kids, no less — when your twenty-year-old self had one too many tequila sunrises and threw up in her rose garden. Grandma may think she’s only kidding around, yet she sure did a great job of pushing your shame and embarrassment buttons.

But what does it look like when we push our own buttons? Somewhat similar to when we become agitated by other people poking at our feelings, it’s when we purposely — or even unconsciously — seek out stimuli and circumstances that bring on negative emotional responses. An example of this would be when someone has been in a horrible car accident and years later continues to look up footage of deadly automobile crashes, even though it inevitably creates more anxiety and stress. So, what to do if you’re stuck in the vicious cycle in which you keep pushing your own buttons? Below are two ways to help you become more aware of — and how to control — your own emotional button pushing behavior.

Are you suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and/or coping with negative life events? If you already know that you’re dealing with PTSD, then take a look at whatever stimuli that you may be seeking out, which inflames your symptoms. Although people with PTSD often avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event that caused this condition, you’re not alone if you also gravitate toward images, news items, etc. that remind you of that event. It’s a natural response because it may make you feel as if you’re gaining control over the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. However, if it increases your symptoms, it may be time to seek counseling (if you haven’t already done so), in order to explore other healing modalities.

If you’re not sure you have PTSD and are experiencing symptoms that include recurrent and distressing memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and severe emotional reactions, you may want to talk to a mental health professional. And even if you don’t have PTSD, please remember that we all have to deal with negative life events, both past and present.

So, regardless whether you have PTSD or not, stay aware of what you decide to read, listen to, and watch — and how it affects you. Yes, most people want to be informed, and, yes, the news can be distressing to us all. But take a good, hard look to see if your stimuli-seeking behavior is harming you. Do you really need to watch the footage of people being swept out to sea during a tsunami if you almost drowned in your youth? Do you really need to read an article on potentially fatal antibiotic-resistant epidemics if your father died of pneumonia? Do you really need to listen to a podcast that goes on about “the next big one” and how many deaths will entail if earthquakes are one of your biggest fears? Probably not. So, make sure to stay cognizant of whatever media you choose to listen to in order to truly stay informed and the unnecessary noise — which would be best for your mental well-being — to literally tune out.

Another question to ask yourself is this: Are you finding true release or… are you falling farther down the rabbit hole? I understand how listening to sad music or watching a depressing movie can be cathartic. When I’m feeling blue, it sometimes helps to relate to melancholic songs and disheartened characters as well as being able to release pent-up tears. Yet, if I do it too much, or if I’m suffering from true depression, these activities often make me feel worse. It’s a tough balance, I know: Even through it’s healthy to acknowledge and process our true feelings, if we continue to pound upon our emotional buttons, we can end up feeling like we’re falling down an unhappy rabbit hole of no return.

So, what to do? Again, it’s about being aware of your own behavior as well as what has worked in the past — or hasn’t. For instance, if you realize that you tend to watch darker-themed shows when you’re feeling down, and it only makes you feel worse instead of better, then it may be time to lighten up your viewing queue by tuning into comedies rather than tragedies. Or what if even thinking about your problems starts to feel like a trigger? A lot of people who have a tendency to ruminate can actually push their own emotional buttons by imagining the worst, what-if scenarios (I know this one only too well myself). In this case, it may be helpful to use the old-fashioned distraction technique. For example, the moment you feel your heart sink and your mind race when contemplating a certain negative thought, turn on some positive music, call a good friend, heck — even watch a goofy dog video. I know this simple technique has saved me from spiraling down many a day…and then later I have a more positive — and less charged — perspective.

In conclusion, it’s all about becoming more aware of how and when push our own emotional buttons and how we can replace old, reactionary behavior with positive, life-affirming actions.

Author Bio:
Tracy Shawn, MA

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications and has three short stories published in literary journals, including Steel House Review Literary Journal. Ms. Shawn is currently revising her second novel. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

Dealing with Deep Sadness During the Holidays–and Beyond

Please Note: This piece was first published under the title: Dealing with Deep Sadness During the Holidays with PsychCentral.com on November 26, 2019



By Tracy Shawn, MA

  ~ 3 MIN READ

Holidays aren’t always joyful, blissful, nor magical. Instead, they can mark a season of not just situational stress and sadness — but one of deep melancholy.

There are many reasons that can contribute to holiday depression. Some factors include dysfunctional family dynamics (which are often thrown in one’s face more often during holiday get-togethers), unrealistic expectations of holiday merriment, financial issues, the loss of a loved one, and the year’s-end introspection about whether one’s goals have come to fruition — or not.

Through all of one’s individual reasons why sadness can descend during the holidays, there is also a general presumption that it “tis,” indeed, “the season to be jolly,” fed to us by advertisers, holiday-themed movies and TV shows, the bright-light cheer draped over neighborhoods and storefronts — not to mention the constant jubilation of holiday tunes blasting over our airwaves.

During the holiday season, then, one’s own personal despair often clashes with our culture’s ongoing message of joy and mirth. It’s as if one is caught in a crazy-making world that can make one’s inner feelings seem as if they are in direct opposition with almost everyone — and everything around them.

As a person who experiences deep holiday melancholy myself, I understand how this juxtaposition can deepen one’s inner sadness. Through the years, though, I’ve learned how to stave it off before it pulls me under. Below are two of my favorite techniques, which I hope can help you, dear readers, as well.

Balance Inner Emotions with Being Out in the World:

I know the old adage that if you’re feeling down, smile — and fake it — until you actually “make it.” And… I get it. Sometimes that really does work. When I’ve been depressed and still pushed myself to go to a holiday party, I have ended up feeling better to have gotten out of my dome of doom after socializing with others.

Yet, what does NOT work is to deny one’s true feelings, because then they can bubble up in inappropriate ways, such as snapping irritably at loved ones or honking not just once — but maybe even three (!) times in a row at a car who cut you off (which, much to my family’s chagrin, I’ve been known to do on one too many of occasions when stressed). Also, in the long run, trying to push down emotions can make them linger far longer than if you had allowed yourself to process them as they came up.

What does work is balance. First, recognize your true feelings. Let yourself cry. Vent to your best friend. See a therapist if you’re so overwhelmed that it seems as if there’s no way out. When you have the time and space, you may even want to play some sad music to help release the tears. And then, when you are out in the world, focus on other people, ask them what’s going on in their lives, how are they feeling, maybe even commiserate about how stressful the season can be. It’s about balancing your inner and outer life in such a way that you’re aware of your own feelings as you reach out to others.

Channel Your Inner Rebel:

Oftentimes, the holidays can push our obligation and guilt limits so far out, that we feel as if we have to agree to things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. How many of you have heard “But it’s Christmastime!” when your partner asks if some distant relative or friend (whom you don’t even like or trust) can stay a couple of days? How many times have you felt obligated to buy presents that are out of your budget? How many times have you forgone your usual exercise and diet routine in order to “join in the merriment”?

When you’re dealing with depression, these obligations and guilt trips can make it that much worse. So, what can you do? Call forth your inner rebel. And I don’t mean that in the James Dean style of taking a long drag from a cigarette and racing your car down the highway. I mean the kind of inner rebel that takes pride in thumbing its nose at tradition and expectations in a healthy way, one that it gives you permission to take care of yourself.

Your inner rebel can help you say no to certain houseguests (or at least limit their time), get more creative with budget-friendly present buying (thrift store treasures, anyone?), exercise to a YouTube video before you go to that holiday party (even it’s going to make you a tad late), and push away that second slice of Grandpa’s rum cake (even though he may furrow his brow at you).

And last, but not least, balancing your true emotions while reaching out to others, as well as tuning into your inner rebel, may also remind you that no one’s holidays (or lives, for that matter) can ever match the nostalgic harmony of “Little House on the Prairie.” Holiday melancholy or not, no one has the perfect family — nor experiences the perfect holiday season.

Tracy Shawn, MA

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn has currently finished her second novel and is now working on her third. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com 

How Anxiety Was My Greatest Weakness and Now My Greatest Strength

Note: First Published in PsychCentral on November 7, 2019

By Tracy Shawn, MA 

Last updated: 7 Nov 2019

  ~ 2 MIN READ

According the famous mythologist Joseph Campbell, the hero’s greatest weakness, problem, or challenge is what will ultimately become that hero’s greatest strength. Campbell notes that stories across cultures and time (even many modern movies and novels adhere to this concept of the “hero’s journey”) follow this theme.

Likened to a roadmap for self-improvement, the hero’s journey includes distinct stages in which the protagonist battles with the awareness of what her problem is, gains increased realization along her path, at a certain point faces a reluctance toward change, overcomes this reluctance through her own self determination and with the help of mentors and allies, commits to change, experiences both improvements and setbacks from her attempts to change, and finally learns to master her problem — and in the end becomes a stronger person for it. 

And like any great story, the hero’s journey can be applied to our own battles. Personally, my lifelong struggle has been anxiety — it’s been my greatest weakness, yes, but it has also helped me find my greatest strength as well.

On my first stage along this journey, I experienced a limited awareness that anxiety was, indeed, a mental condition to which there were answers. In fact, I wasn’t even aware how prevalent anxiety was. In my mind, I was alone and separate from others I deemed “normal.” I was also scared to admit to others that I was dealing with both chronic and acute anxiety, for fear that they’d label me as weak.

Eventually, my awareness increased. I bought a self-help program and, through that, I realized that I had a very real condition I could eventually heal from — and beyond that — I also learned that I was not alone. Reading about other’s struggles with this oftentimes debilitating condition helped me to break out of my own emotional bubble and gave me a hope that I hadn’t experienced before.

Yet, like so many others on a path to self-discovery, I also hit a period of reluctance. No matter how many positive self-affirmations I kept repeating to myself, no matter how many times I read how I shouldn’t blame myself, the fears and self-recrimination still flared up, especially when I became triggered, overtired, or simply received some discouraging news. I figured that my special kind of irrational fears were so entrenched into my brain, I would never be able to fully shake them.

Luckily, I persevered through this reluctance by diving into my creative process as I wrote my debut novel “The Grace of Crows.” Writing became a cathartic exercise in which I could turn off the “what-if” part of my brain. How wonderful it was to learn how to channel those negative fears into a productive act of work. Also, as I wrote about a protagonist overcoming anxiety, I, too, was slowly but surely believing that I could as well.

I further committed to change — and challenged myself like I never had before — by joining Toastmasters, a nonprofit group that helps people hone their public speaking skills. Even though my anxiety had decreased, I still harbored a deep fear of speaking in front of groups — or even the thought of being a guest for possible radio, TV, or podcast interviews. I realized that, if I wanted to promote my book about a woman overcoming anxiety, I’d better learn how walk the walk myself. And, indeed, with time I was able to happily say yes to interviews because of my ongoing commitment to Toastmasters.

Of course, I continued to experience both improvements and setbacks along the way — and, in truth, still do. Yes, life would have been (and still would be!) a lot easier without having to deal with anxiety. But… I am also grateful for what it has given me. If I hadn’t had to deal with this debilitating condition, I would never have written my first novel, would never have gone to Toastmasters, and would never have connected with so many wonderfully brave anxiety-warriors. I am not only stronger because of this journey — but my life is also far richer for it.

So, in looking at your own challenges, dear readers, please acknowledge your own hero’s journey: How have you learned to acknowledge, learn from, and master your biggest problems? And… how have you grown even stronger for it?

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn has currently finished her second novel and is now working on her third. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

How to Lose Weight Without Dieting

First Published by PsychCentral on October 11, 2019 By Tracy Shawn, MA



  ~ 2 MIN READ

To lose weight — and keep it off — don’t go on a diet. Why? Because “going on a diet” creates the false mindset that weight loss is a time-limited journey. Although we may very well lose weight in the short term when we deprive ourselves our favorite foods and drinks, exercise like a fiend, and go to bed with a stomach protesting in hunger, how long can that last? And… even if all that deprivation and self-torture did continue, would the end result be worth it?

All too often, “being on a diet” creates a frustrating cycle of hunger and guilt. When people “fall off” whatever regimen they’re on, a slew of self-destructive thoughts and behaviors can ensue: “I’ve blown it anyway; I might as well polish off the whole bag of cookies now.”

Then what happens? Sometimes a dieter will wake up the next day with a whole new resolve to be “perfect,” but then ends up “blowing it again,” which can lead to even more binging. Other times, a person may throw in the towel completely, telling himself that he has no discipline — so why even try?

So, what does work? 

First of all, take a look at  why  you want to lose weight.

Is it for health reasons? To feel more comfortable in your own body? Or… is it because you’re trying to emulate the unrealistic standards of the “beauty” industry? Are you already at a healthy weight and feel as if you’d increase your self-esteem if you did, indeed, become model-thin? Asking yourself these questions — and answering them honestly — may help you to make better decisions regarding ongoing health choices.

It’s important to note that when there’s too much focus placed on what the scale says, self-esteem can actually go down — and when the same life problems pop up that one had to struggle with before hitting that “perfect weight,” unhealthy eating patterns are likely to emerge again.

Second, watch your self talk.

Once you’re clear on the why of losing weight, then you can focus on realistic and positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you’re not going on a diet and then going off. Rather, you’re choosing to go on an all-around lifestyle that focuses on healthy choices — while being able to have a treat here and there. So when you decide to have that piece of birthday cake at your friend’s party, enjoy a plate of nachos with some friends after work, munch on the salty goodness of popcorn while watching your favorite T.V. show, you can tell yourself that you haven’t “blown” your weight loss efforts (or maintenance) for the week. No longer do you have to label foods into “good” or “bad” categories, which can set you up for an all-or-nothing mindset, and, thus, the negative self-talk of “I’ll never be able to stay on a diet, so I might as well go for it.” Instead, you can tell yourself: “Since I’ve been eating mostly healthy foods and walking almost every day this week, this one piece of cake won’t hurt.” After all, we do live in a world full of delectable food, a pleasure that isn’t emotionally healthy to always deny.

Third, remember to keep both an emotional and physical balance.

Remind yourself that you are not your weight. No matter where you are on your weight loss journey, maintenance, or acceptance, remind yourself of all of your positive attributes (you’re a hard worker, great friend, empathetic parent, good cook — the list can go on and on). Also, it’s a good idea to keep physically balanced as well. Over exercising often leads to burnout — and injury. So, keep it realistic and steady: try to exercise 20 to 40 minutes almost every day, whether that means a power walk before work, a yoga class during your lunch break — or my favorite — dancing along to a YouTube video at home. Losing weight with more of a maintenance mindset may not result, of course, in the speedy weight loss that some strict, short-term diets may provide. However, you won’t be near as likely to gain it all back — plus you’ll have way more fun along the way and may just have a better disposition for it!

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications and several of her short stories have been published by literary magazines. Ms. Shawn is currently revising her second novel. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

How to Fight Mental Health Stigma

Please note: First Published in PsychCentral.Com under the title “Facing Mental Health Stigma” on September 6, 2019 by Tracy Shawn, MA

Last updated: 6 Sep 2019

  ~ 3 MIN READ

 

People who are dealing with mental health conditions often face a whole other challenge: mental health stigma. As if living with a mental health condition isn’t often challenging in and of itself.

But what is mental health stigma? It’s when others unfairly (and unwisely) say that mental health conditions are the fault of the people experiencing them. It’s when people (yes, even friends and family) label people with mental issues as “weak” or describe them with other negatively charged terms. It’s even when people downright discriminate against others who they deem “different” due to their mental health conditions. 

If you’re living with a mental health challenge yourself, stigma can cause unnecessary shame and, thus, can also lead to a reluctance to seek help. Unfortunately, the harmful effects of this kind of stigma can also cause a lack of understanding by the very people, such as family, friends, and co-workers, who would (in an ideal world) be part of your emotional support system, instead of exacerbating your feelings of stress and isolation.

People with mental health issues, then, may receive less support than the average person — when in actuality they would most likely benefit from an increased sense of understanding. Therefore, if you or a loved one is dealing with a mental health condition, it’s important to fight this ongoing stigma.

Below are some suggestions to help you become the best mental health warrior you can be:

Seek Treatment

As mentioned above, sometimes stigma can create unnecessary shame and, thus, a reluctance to get treatment. To combat this, it may help to incorporate a way of thinking that encourages equality between physical and mental health conditions. There’s no shame in seeing a doctor for heart disease, autoimmune issues, and other medical conditions: There should be NO shame, therefore, in seeing a professional for your mental health condition. Explaining this to others also helps them overcome their own stigmas.

Know You’re Not Alone

When I was battling the worst years of my anxiety, I felt as emotionally isolated as a person who had been lost at sea, floating alone on a raft with no land in sight. And because I was fearful that I’d be labeled as “weak” by others (and bought into the stigma myself that I was), I tried to overcome it without any help. When I finally bought a self-help program, I learned that other people had just as bad — and even more debilitating anxiety — than I did. I also connected with fellow anxiety-warriors on social media, and thus began my journey into self-acceptance and healing.

Educate Your Community

When and if you feel ready to share your own story, talking openly about your challenges and triumphs can help others overcome their personal stigmas, may help you lead a more empowered life, and can increase hope for fellow mental health warriors. Of course, when, how, where, and with whom you share your story is up to you. And even if you choose not to talk about your own process, you still have the option to speak out against mental health stigma by expressing your general opinions to others, writing letters to editors of various publications, even contacting broadcasting companies if you notice that their shows include mental health stigma-inducing plotlines or dialogue.

Be Your Own Best Friend

Remember that you are not a condition. Yes, you are dealing with it, but you are not defined by it. So, make sure that when you refer to yourself, you don’t label yourself as whatever condition you have (for a medical example, don’t state that “I’m a diabetic” but say that you “have diabetes”).

Know, too, that just like a medical condition, there may be times when things become exacerbated. Triggers such as stress, sleep deprivation, and grief can cause mental health to take a nose dive. Make sure to take extra care of yourself when you’re triggered, instead of berating yourself for taking “three steps back.” In other words, be your own best friend, a supportive and empathetic guide who doesn’t define or label you as your condition and helps you through the toughest of times.

Know Your Legal Rights

If you feel as if you’re being discriminated against, please know that you have rights! For instance, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) can help you figure out an appropriate course of action if you feel your rights have been violated. They also list rights of workers, including when an employer has the right — and does not have the legal right — to fire someone dealing with a mental health condition, and how an employee can acquire “reasonable accommodation” in order to decrease stress while increasing productivity.

No matter what course of action you take and how challenging it can be to fight this stigma, please know that you are not alone in this journey — and, in fact, are a warrior!

Tracy Shawn, MA

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn has currently finished her second novel and is now working on her third. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

Three Simple Ways to Deflect Difficult People

By Tracy Shawn, M.A.

  ~ 3 MIN READ (Please note: this piece was first published with PsychCentral.com on August 12, 2019 under the title: “3 Secret Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People”

 

 

 

Difficult people can inhabit (and intrude into) many areas of our lives: work, home, neighborhood, social and professional affiliations, even at the sanctuary of the gym! Whether someone acts defensive, rude, passive-aggressive, critical, or lies and then turns things around, difficult people have something in common: they are frustrating to deal with.

In an already stressful world, having to interact with difficult people can take its toll, especially when those challenging people are family, co-workers, bosses, or neighbors (in other words, people who you have to see on a continuous basis). However, there are some tactics that may help you keep your sanity — and sense of control — intact. Listed below are some of my personal favorites that have helped me.

Have a Clear Goal

Over two decades ago, I was visiting my dear friend Amy, who was dying of lung cancer. Even though I was there to take care of her, she decided to give me a gift that I still use to this day and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. The gift was a simple but powerful sentence: “When you have to confront someone, make sure to have a clear goal in mind.” (Kindhearted and thoughtful Amy knew that I had to deal with a number of difficult people). Driving away from her house on that brisk Autumn afternoon, I found myself nodding my head in agreement.

If you want to keep peace with a certain irrational person in your life, it may be best not to fight fire with fire, I thought. But if you’re sure that you’d be fine with losing someone you feel has grown too oppressive, you may want to defend yourself as you’ve never done before and let the pieces fall where they may. Just make sure to have a clear game plan in mind before you confront that difficult person — or the results may be quite different than what you had intended.

Compromise in a Bigger Way than Usual

Oftentimes some of the most difficult people you may have to contend with embrace an exaggerated sense of self-importance, have little empathy for others (although they may put on a good act), would rather “win” than ever admit to ever being wrong, and hardly — if ever — apologize. Therefore, it may be quite beneficial for you to walk into any kind of negotiations/and or confrontations with challenging people by letting go of any kind of expectations in regard to receiving an “I was wrong,” “I understand your side of things,” or a “I’m sorry” from them.

Yes, it would be lovely to hear these things, especially when that difficult person has acted way out of line and trampled on your feelings (and you know that if the foot was on the other shoe, they’d be beyond livid), it will still be advantageous to pull up your own empathy (most difficult people are often quite sad and empty, even if they cover it up with an over-confident mask to the rest of the world).

Therefore, make sure to admit your own mistakes, apologize when appropriate, and let them feel as if they’ve “won” in some way (for example, perhaps you gift them the sweater — but not the jacket — that that they haven’t returned after three months, decrease the amount on the bill they owe you, or allow them to get the last word in). These may not be compromises you want to make, but if you choose your battles wisely, your own mental health doesn’t suffer to the degree it may have in the past in dealing with their irrational behavior. And that is way more important than a sweater!

Set Boundaries

Although it can be helpful to compromise more than usual when dealing with difficult people, it is also important to set clear boundaries with them. A simple, “Please don’t talk to me that way,” is a completely appropriate response when someone is being rude. And even though it may stall negotiations, a “I need to go now/get off the phone,” etc. when you’re being berated means that you’re taking care of yourself (and may stop you from losing it yourself).

It’s a complicated balance, when communicating with difficult people, I know. Oftentimes, we just want the negativity to end and would rather swallow our own needs than challenge the behavior of the emotional tyrants in our lives. In the long run, though, we may end up feeling even more angry, drained, and resentful if we don’t take care of ourselves. (Whatever happens, by the way, it can be helpful to utilize self-care techniques afterwards, such as exercising, meditation, and processing your feelings via journal writing). And remember that even though you can’t control the action of others, you still have choices.

Challenging a difficult person may mean that you lose him and, on the other hand, if you want to keep the peace, you may have to continue the tricky dance of maneuvering around emotional land mines. No matter how you decide to engage with the challenging people in your life, make sure your goals are clear before communicating with them, compromise when appropriate, set your boundaries in the best ways possible, and remember to relish your time and interactions with the thoughtful, kind, and loving people in your life.

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn is currently revising her second novel. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

You Are Not Your Thoughts

 

Please note: this was first published with PsychCentral.com on July 28, 2019

 

By Tracy Shawn, MA

  ~ 3 MIN READ

Listen closely because what I’m about to share with you may help release years of unnecessary stress, confusion, and emotional exhaustion. Simply put: You are not your thoughts. Please repeat that to yourself three more times, as it can be an important realization on your path to emotional peace. Yes, the brain is a powerful thing and when we focus on our goals, we can make them happen. But… it’s not our thoughts themselves that bring things to fruition, it’s our actions.

The premise that we are our thoughts and that somehow just thinking (or even obsessing!) about something will draw that energy to us and magically make it happen is just that: magical.

If our thoughts, alone, were that powerful, then the world would have ended many a century ago (think about how long doomsayers have been predicting the end of time). Our population would probably be at most a quarter of what it is today (think about all the worries that plague the minds of most parents). And almost all of us would be dead or dying at this very moment due to concerning thoughts, which include deadly diseases, accidents, and, well, the fear of death itself.

Although Freud proposed that thoughts are innately related to who we are, the more modern system cognitive behavioral therapists follow is that thoughts are merely thoughts — not indicators that paint a picture of who we are. In fact, thoughts are often in direct opposition to the thinker. People who suffer from OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and anxiety often ruminate about the darkest of fears, as they have been shown to actually be more conscientious than the average person and, thus, obsess about whatever horrid thoughts come to the surface because they are so horrified that they are having them.

In her piece, “Bizarre Thoughts and Me: Confessions of an OCD Therapist,” psychotherapist Stacey Kuhl Wochner shares this: “I am a therapist who treats Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and I have bizarre thoughts. Here is my big revelation. We all have them. It’s not just you. And I do not have OCD.” She then shares a long list of many bizarre thoughts that she had recorded in just a few weeks’ time. Here is a sampling: “I had a thought that I didn’t want to leave fibromyalgia in the search box of my phone, lest I get it; I had a thought about punching my husband in the face in bed… and I wasn’t even mad at him; I had a thought that I should tear up the paper with my parents address on it before throwing it away to keep them safe.”

Wochner states that there are still common misperceptions about thinking that include how thoughts are meaningful links to the inner being of the thinker, and how our thoughts are sometimes considered bad omens for the future. In other words, we’re all taking our thoughts too seriously — and need to learn how to let the negative ones float on by. An answer, by the way, to the misperception that thoughts can be considered bad omens, it’s imperative to remember that statistically, bad things are going to happen whether we think about them or not. On the other side of the coin, it’s also important to note here that our more positive thoughts can not only help us realize our goals but may be good for our health as well.

A New York Times article by Jane E. Brody titled “A Positive Outlook May Be Good for Your Health,” notes that in a study about participant’s views on aging, positive thoughts “can enhance belief in one’s abilities, decrease perceived stress and foster healthful behaviors.” Researchers have also found that positive emotions can boost the immune system, counter depression, lower blood pressure, and decrease heart disease. In this way, when our thoughts are focused on the positive, they can be seen as magical! But, just because some dark thoughts may intrude along the way, whatever healthy behaviors that may have stemmed from your more solution-based thought processes will continue to benefit you.

It’s all about being aware that the intrusive, scary thoughts are merely unsubstantial puffs of nothingness that we should learn to blow off, and that our intentional, positive thoughts can help shape our behaviors in productive ways. In conclusion, you are not your thoughts; you are the sum of so much more, including your intent and, more importantly, action.

Speaker and author Tracy Shawn is a passionate “anxiety warrior,” who writes and speaks about how to pull oneself out of the trenches of stress, anxiety, and worry. Tracy’s award-winning novel, The Grace of Crows, follows the journey of a woman who learns how to overcome debilitating anxiety after reconnecting with a long-lost friend, who has since become homeless. Her educational background includes an M.A. in clinical psychology. Please visit her website: www.tracyshawn.com 

How to Heal Yourself with Humor

Please note: this piece was first published in PsychCentral.com on June 15, 2019 under the title “Stay Funny, My Friends”

  ~ 2 MIN READ

 

Within scientific circles, humor is often treated as a “non-serious” topic. According to the article “The Importance of Humor Research” by Peter McGraw in Psychology Today, many scientists fear that their work would be disrespected if they dared to research the what, why, and how of humor. Yet, humor deserves much more reverence than professionals — other than professional comics — are willing to bestow upon it.

Sure, we all appreciate a good joke. We all feel better after a big belly laugh. For the most part, we’d rather invite opportunities that make us chuckle instead of frown. Mirth is a wonderful emotion! All too often, though, we focus on decreasing our less-than-fun emotional states such as depression, anxiety, and stress. What if, instead, we focused on increasing our humor quota?

To understand the innate need for humor, it’s important to note that laughter is one of the first things a newborn does. And even more amazing, studies show that animals enjoy a sense of humor as well. To quote a section from an article in Slate Magazine by Peter McGraw and Joel Warner: “Nonhuman primates don’t just laugh—there’s evidence they can crack their own jokes.” A wonderful example of this is when the famous gorilla Koko tied her trainer’s shoelaces together and signed “chase.”

So why do we Earthlings enjoy the gift of humor?  A short piece in BBC Focus Magazine by Christian Jarrett answers the question: “Why did humans evolve a sense of humor?” Jarrett writes that a recent theory says a sense of humor evolved because it helps us fact check our assumptions about other people’s intentions and perspectives. Our funny bone gets tickled, then, when we debunk one of our presumptions and see things in a new light. Once humor evolved, it became a social signal, making us assume that funny people are intelligent and friendly. I know I appreciate when people around me can make me laugh—even at the darkest of times.

Humor can help people’s—and I believe animal’s as well—physical and psychological well-being. Laughter can benefit our circulation, lungs, and muscles (it’s way more fun, by the way, to exercise our stomach muscles via a hearty laugh rather than with a bout of monotonous crunches). Psychologically, humor can also help people deal with emotional pain and embarrassment. If I tripped walking down the red carpet (not that I’d ever have the opportunity, but you get the picture), I’d feel much better about it if I could crack a brilliant joke about it and turned everyone’s gasps into laughter. I know, too, that when my husband recently addressed our separate aging issues by joking: “Not to worry; we’ll just have to grow old together and take turns pushing each other around in our wheelchairs,” I not only let out a chuckle, but also drew in a breath of appreciation. His quiet, little joke lightened up our worried minds as well as emphasizing our ongoing support for each other—one quick quip that improved our psychological well-being in a big way.

Humor benefits us in many other ways, as well. If you watch the best of comedians, you’ll notice that their humor makes us feel as if someone understands our daily frustrations, and when fellow audience members laugh, this makes us feel less alone and more connected to others. In a way, then, comedians are spokespeople for the universality of the human condition, their humor providing a salve to our collective pain and a brand-new prospective to lighten up our moods.

That old cliché about the importance of learning to laugh at the face of danger proves to be even more poignant when we recognize the healing power of humor. So, make time to joke around with a friend about your woes when you’re feeling blue. Read the comics when the news becomes too depressing. Tune into your favorite stand-up comic the next time anxiety hits. Tap into the depth of dark humor when you have to face what you’d rather not. And… don’t forget to help others, too, with your own humor when they could use a fresh take on their problems or simply need to connect with someone about the absurdity of life in general.

Tracy Shawn, MA

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn has currently finished her second novel and is now working on her third. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

Counterintuitive Ways to Combat Anxiety

Please note: this piece was first published with PsychCentral on April 22, 2019

 

Through the years I’ve learned to douse the ongoing wildfire of fear with productive tools such as exercise, meditation, replacing negative, irrational thoughts with positive, rational statements, and tapping into my creativity (studies show that anxious people are often more creative — as it takes a lot of imagination to come up with those what-if scenarios — so it helps to channel that artistry into a positive outlet).

Yet there are other ways I combat my anxiety that don’t sound as constructive. And they certainly don’t sound very positive, either. In fact, some tactics could be construed as downright depressing. But they work. In fact, they work so well, that I feel it’s my duty to share them.

Below are my four favorite counterintuitive ways to combat anxiety, so take a moment to remove any rose-colored glasses you may have on and replace them with some dark-hued lenses. Here they are:

Sometimes It’s Best NOT to Process with Others

I know, I know: those irrational thoughts can be so harsh, you need someone to help remind you that they are ONLY thoughts. Yet, I’ve also found that sometimes sharing my anxieties only sharpens their grip. Why is this?

First of all, I can trigger myself even more by arguing with the poor, well-meaning listener about how this or that fear could come to pass. That is, by discussing it, the probability of that fear happening further “cements” it into my brain.

Secondly, people who don’t understand anxiety may reply in ways that make anxiety warriors feel worse about themselves. You know those trite remarks such as: “Just stop worrying,” or “You need to learn to control your thoughts,” which I guess are well-meaning, but really makes me want to scream.

From what I’ve learned, it’s best to share anxious thoughts with the most trusted and understanding of people. And if it’s going to trigger you to share your specific fears, then, at least, share how much your anxiety itself is affecting you.

Accepting That Anxiety Won’t Go Away

When I was first grasping for answers to “cure” myself of my chronic and acute anxiety, I envisioned a future in which my over-the-top worry would be forever banished. Yet, as I trudged onward, I realized that there wasn’t going to be any kind of fairytale ending. I was and always will be above average on the anxiety scale (a number of studies show that anxiety is genetic).

Anxiety is something I’m able to diminish but never banish. Acknowledging this fact helped me accept that through the better days, some worse ones are still bound to pop up due to triggers, circumstances, and even physical challenges. Once I accepted this, I was better able to utilize my bag of anxiety-reducing tricks, knowing that it would just be a matter of time when I’d be able to tame it from a roaring lion to a purring cat — that is, until the next big worry claws itself into my life.

Using Terror-Filled Distractions

When my anxiety needle moves into the red alert zone, my husband often suggests that we watch a disaster movie. No, the man isn’t being facetious; rather he’s acting with complete empathy. Ironically, watching fictionalized stories about catastrophic events helps reduce my what-if fears. Why is this? I’m not sure, but I believe that it has to do with putting my anxiety into perspective while at the same time witnessing a shared calamity, which airlifts me out of my isolated island of despair.

Disaster movies are also action-packed and visually dramatic, which gives my mind a vacation from the self-ruminating dread. And…speaking of distraction, who could take their eyes off Dwayne Johnson when he played a rescue-chopper pilot in the 2015 disaster flick “San Andreas?” I know I couldn’t!

Remembering That We All Die

When my fears dive into the deepest and darkest of waters, sometimes the only way I can breathe again is to remind myself that no matter what, we all die. Although this thought may sound morose, it calms me down because it reminds me that nothing is permanent. Nothing. And if nothing is permanent, then my fears cannot be either.

In death, too, my brain will be caput — so it won’t be around to ruminate on any further worries. In the meantime, then, I’ll keep combating my anxiety with both happily constructive and darkly counterintuitive measures, hoping that my path not only gets better, but that I can help other anxiety warriors along the way as well.

Tracy Shawn, MA

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, The Grace of Crows (Cherokee McGhee, 2013), won awards for Indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications. Ms. Shawn has currently finished her second novel and is now working on her third. You can visit her website at: www.tracyshawn.com.

How to Follow–and Live by–Your Own Meaning

By Tracy Shawn, MA : First Published under title “A Life Worth Living: How to Find and Follow Your Meaning” on PsychCentral  on 6 Feb 2019  ~ 2 MIN READ

If you’d like to know how to decrease depression, alleviate anxiety, and live an all-around better life, there is a simple answer.

The good news, too, is that it doesn’t entail any kind of medication, money, or treatment modalities. Simply put, it’s about making decisions based on what’s truly meaningful; essentially what makes both your inner world and the outer world a better place.

Similar to discovering your mission and following your passion, consciously pursuing your own personal meaning can enrich your life in ways you hadn’t thought possible. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from, or what you do for a living, seeking your meaning often heals both yourself and others.  

A poignant example of creating your own meaning is how Candy Lightner reacted to the senseless loss of her thirteen-year-old daughter, Cari. While walking to a carnival with her friend, Cari was struck by a car, knocked out of her shoes, and thrown 125 feet. Cari died soon after the accident.

Ms. Lightner was informed that the driver, who was intoxicated, had been arrested a short time earlier for another drunk driving offense. However, officers told Lightner that this driver would most likely receive no lasting punishment for essentially murdering her daughter.

Soon after, Lightner channeled her anger and sorrow into something that could give her life meaning; she quit her job and used her savings to launch M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). A determined, and tireless fighter, Lightner lectured and lobbied across the country, helping to pass anti-drunk driving legislation — that to this day, continues to save lives.  

Of course, Lightner’s work will never bring her beloved daughter back. But like so many other people who decide to create a pathway of meaning and hope — no matter how senseless and devastating their loss — there’s a larger capacity to continue on with an increased sense of purpose and… an empowered sense of self that can never be shaken.

Your path to meaning may not be born of such devastation as Lightener’s, yet we all endure disappointments, setbacks, and grief. Finding and practicing your meaning often stems from personal history, values, and the desire to become an all-around better person.

Take a look around. There are everyday heroes that heed their own personal meaning on daily basis: the dad who decides to become a thousand-fold-more thoughtful and loving parent than his own cold, critical father had been; the teacher who continues to motivate even her toughest of students because she had grown up with a learning disability; the cashier at your local supermarket who exudes warmth and friendship to all in reaction to the loneliness that had devastated her developmentally disabled aunt.   

Basing our choices on what truly matters reminds us that we are able to tap into our capacity to help both ourselves and others, even if fleeting emotions such as happiness wanes, our physical health declines, or our material wealth plummets. This, in turn, helps to decrease overall depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.  

It’s a practice that can be consciously followed in both big and small ways, with both lifelong goals and everyday choices in mind.

Like Lightner, some people may take the most devastating event in their lives and decide to either work in a professional realm or volunteer their time in order to make a positive change. Other people may incorporate their own values within the job or role (such as parent, friend, or mentor) they already have in order to make the world a better place. Still others may decide to share their own physical, emotional, or mental health issues in a public forum in order to educate — and help others know that they’re not alone.

We all have the ability to bring meaning into our everyday lives by following through on such simple actions as: checking in on an elderly neighbor, weekly visits with a grieving friend, or simply showing compassion to both friends and strangers.

It all adds up, no matter where we live, who we are, what we do. Finding and following our meaning can help us all lead a life worth living.

Author and speaker Tracy Shawn lives and writes on the Central Coast of California. Her debut novel, “The Grace of Crows” (Cherokee McGhee, 2013),won awards for indie fiction, including the 2013 Jack Eadon Award for Best Book in Contemporary Drama and Second Place for General Fiction from Reader Views. Tracy’s short stories have appeared in Literary Brushstrokes, Psychology Tomorrow Magazine, and most recently, Steel House Review. She’s written numerous articles for print and online publications and is a frequent contributor to psychcentral.com. She has currently finished her second novel.