Jeff Folschinsky's Blog, page 25
February 23, 2015
Bar Room Philosopher
Originally posted on Eclectic Voices:
Part of the February Writing Challenge: Write a love story for the thing you love the most.
a monologue by Jeff Folschinsky
There’s a cockroach walking across my table, and no one, including myself, is doing anything about it.
Sort of says a lot about a place like this, don’t you think?
A disgusting creature walking amongst us, and no one notices. Or they do notice, and it just doesn’t seem to be out-of-place. Maybe that’s because in a place like this, it doesn’t seem out-of-place at all. The reason that the cockroach walks so freely amongst us, without a care in the world, is because, in a place like this, the differences between a cockroach and a customer are almost indistinguishable.
A depressing thought to be sure, but it begs the question, how this came to be?
There’s nothing particularly wrong with a place like this. I’ve been…
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February 2, 2015
The Midwest Book Review review of Tales From Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys
Tales from Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys got a great review from Midwest Book Review by D. Donovan, Senior eBook Reviewer, MBR
http://www.midwestbookreview.com/mbw/feb_15.htm#donovan
Tales from Little Lump: Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys
Jeff Folschinsky
Amazon Digital Services
ASIN: B00OO2I6K6 $0.99 www.amazon.com
It must be said that Jeff Folschinsky’s opening paragraphs for his writings are nothing but compelling: readers who like more than a light dose of humor injected into their sci-fi/horror won’t just feel compelled to continue – they’ll be grabbed by the collar and pulled in, as in the second ‘Tales from Little Lump’ collection, Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys: “I have to admit, Japanese snow monkeys are the most adorable things that I ever did lay my eyes on. It’s too bad that I had to start blowing them apart with my late husband’s, God rest his soul, 12-gauge Remington pump action shotgun; but what else are you supposed to do once they’ve turned undead?”
It’s a dilemma, indeed – and one which comes to life in a story of undead, cute but dangerous snow monkeys that plague the small town of Little Lump and create havoc for its residents.
Readers of the original Tales will know that aliens who came in peace were gunned down by an over-enthusiastic small Texas town’s determination to prevent invasion at all costs. But no prior familiarity is required for this continuation of the horror theme as the Texas shoot-em-up approach is applied to a greater horror in the form of undead cuties.
Gertie and Cousin Tommy are back, ammunition is running low, and tempers are high. Gertie tells the tale and minces no words in the process – which in itself is simply hilarious: “Cousin Tommy, in this day and age, what self-respecting Texan walks outside their front door without carrying a weapon?” “Never had any use for one until now,” he replied, while decapitating a monkey with his garden hoe. Isn’t that the way of things? People always think, oh, guns, yuck. But all of a sudden undead Japanese snow monkeys show up, and then everyone is whistling an entirely different tune.”
From a hot and heavy domino game where outsiders threatened by zombie monkeys are denied entrance to safety (“No, we’re not letting him in. We’re already playing with six people.”) to the question of why Japanese snow monkeys have appeared in Texas in the first place, Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys is simply uproarious from beginning to end.
And while, yes, this book is technically a stand-alone and requires little prior familiarity with its predecessor, newcomers will want to turn to the original Tales; because it’s there that protagonists and town makeup are given more background and history (plus, it’s equally side-splitting, to boot.)
If you’re looking for serious zombie apocalypse tales – look elsewhere. Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys requires that its readers have a funny bone in place – and then it tickles and tweaks it until the result is uproarious laughter: something very few horror books can claim to offer.
So go ahead – open the door, aim your weapon, and get ready to party with Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys. It promises a night you won’t forget, and is very highly recommended as a standout read.
MBR: MBR Bookwatch, February 2015
James A. CoxEditor-in-ChiefMidwest Book Review 278 Orchard Drive Oregon, WI 53575-1129 phone: 1-608-835-7937 e-mail: mbr@execpc.com e-mail: mwbookrevw@aol.com http://www.midwestbookreview.com
MIDWESTBOOKREVIEW.COM
January 30, 2015
Fever
This was my entry for the Eclectic Voices January Writers Challenge.
#monolouge #fiction #humor #fantasy #flashfiction #ff
Originally posted on Eclectic Voices:
Part of January’s Writing Challenge:
You wake up, or gain consciousness, in a different body. What? How? Why? What do you do now?
A Monologue By Jeff Folschinsky
Barfly
I blame everything on the song “Fever.” The one Peggy Lee sang back in the stone age. There was something about it that—oh, hell I don’t know. It just had some kind of effect on me. Maybe it was because my Mom always used to listen to it.
Okay, I can feel that look you’re giving me. I’m just talking about memories of a more pleasant time in my life, that’s all. Let’s not get all psychoanalytical here and try to make this into a gross Oedipus type thing. Why do people do that? It’s so infuriating. I mean I’m just trying to have a discussion here, and right out of the gate I feel like I’m being judged. I mean…
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January 23, 2015
Free eBook
Today only you can download Tales From Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkey for free at http://amzn.com/B00OO2I6K6
January 15, 2015
LINE!
Originally posted on Eclectic Voices:
a monologue by Jeff Folschinsky
ACTOR
As I look back at my life. I realize that… that… Ah Jesus, I know this. No really I do. I did the whole thing, from beginning to end at lunch today.
Christ. LINE! Hello?
Okay, yes I know we’re not supposed to do this at this point but I really need help. I’m blanking out for some reason and all these people staring at me is not helping.
Hello? Hello!
Oh, for crying out loud, can you throw me a life line here? I mean, yes, I know the director informed us you wouldn’t be doing this type of thing anymore but this is embarrassing.
Of course if you didn’t think you would be doing this anymore maybe you weren’t following me in the script. Is that it? Are you trying to find out where I am right now? Should I just stand…
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January 9, 2015
Some Nice Customer Reviews of Tales From Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys
Here are some nice reviews of my book Tales From Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys. Available at AMAZON. http://amzn.com/B00OO2I6K6
4.0 out of 5 stars A hilarious, unpredictable romp featuring a red-blooded Texan women vs. zombie monkies, January 8, 2015
By
atomskeater – See all my reviews
Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This review is from: Tales From Little Lump – Night Of The Undead Snow Monkeys (Kindle Edition)
Gertie, who just happened to be out at the right time of night, shot down a hovering spaceship with her ground-to-air missile launcher (which she just happened to have). Instead of doing a great service for her community, she inadvertently released a radioactive alien waste into the nearby Japanese snow monkey sanctuary, turning all those cute creatures into tireless flesh-hungry zombies. Now Gertie has admirably step up to make amends for her mistake (although she really only has, like, 30% of the blame here) to try to rally the townsfolk and find a solution to their problem.
Yes, that’s all on the first few pages.
The story is an absurd ride told form the point of view of a gun-toting, Christian Texan. Her interjections and way of seeing the events as they unfold actually caused me to laugh a few times. The events seem surreal, and you never know whats around the corner as our intrepid “hero” lurches from one event to the next.
While the page count is low, the text was oddly tiny (easily fixed by just changing the font size on Kindle) so its a little bit longer than you’re probably thinking it is. That said, its still a short story that can be read handily in an hour or so. The writing was great, with a good sense of comedic timing and nice enough descriptions I wasn’t expecting much from the tale going in, but it was imaginative and very fun to read. Id recommend it!
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4.0 out of 5 stars Humorous Romp with a Touch of Horror, January 4, 2015
By
E. Lucas – See all my reviews
(TOP 500 REVIEWER)
Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
This review is from: Tales From Little Lump – Night Of The Undead Snow Monkeys (Kindle Edition)
“Tales from Little Lump: Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys” is a humorous romp; when gunslinging Gertie shoots an alien spaceship down over a Japanese snow monkey sanctuary, the result is a horde of flesh-hungry little creatures who overrun the town.
Gertie’s voice is distinct and delightful, and you can almost hear her twang coming off the page; she’s surprisingly no-nonsense for someone faced with an unexpected plague of the undead. I also liked how the absurdity of the story was written with a light hand and a lot of humor; often these kinds of books can get too silly, but “Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys” maintains a nice balance between convincing characters and a fantastical premise. My only quibble is that the book felt rather short; I guess technically it’s a short story, but I do wish it had been longer and had a bit more heft plot-wise. There’s a lot of unexplored havoc a band of zombie monkeys could wreak on a small town, and it could have been added a lot of fun with a thrill of campy horror.
In short, though, it’s “Gremlins” meets “Northern Exposure” in Texas–I’d recommend it as a short, fun read that will make you smile.
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December 22, 2014
The Day of Christmas
Here is a little holiday fun that I wrote appearing in the latest issue of Eclectic Voices.
Originally posted on Eclectic Voices:
a poem by Jeff Folschinsky
Part of the December writing challenge:��It���s Christmas morning.�� As you open your first gift, you are transported to an alternate- universe holiday celebration, in which you are in an extreme position of power.�� WRITE ABOUT IT.
It was the day of Christmas, and right down the hall.
There was a big ass present, for me, or for all.
I carefully inspected it with the upmost care.
With hopes I could open it, I might anyway if I dare.
No tags did I find, or markings of any kind.
To tell me whose present in my house I did find.
So I open the wrapping to see what was hid.
To discover its secrets hidden under the lid.
And what to my wondering eyes did I find,
But a bright shiny vortex that just blew my mind.
Not a second did I have to think���
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December 12, 2014
Nice Review From Book Blogger
Tales from Little Lump – Night of the Undead Snow Monkeys, got a nice review from a book blogger. :-)
http://icreatepurtythangs.blogspot.com/2014/12/tales-from-little-lump-review.html
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Tales From Little Lump Review
Tales From Little Lump – Night Of The Undead Snow Monkeys
By Jeff Folschinsky
They came in peace, unfortunately the good folks of Little Lump, Texas didn’t get the memo. They���re really embarrassed, especially Gertie who managed to shoot down several of the alien���s space ships with her holy land-to-air rocket launcher. Little did she realize in doing so that she would be unknowingly creating a far bigger danger for Little Lump that could spell doom for them all. To her and everyone else���s disbelief, undead Japanese snow monkeys are slowly approaching the town and now Gertie and Cousin Tommy must fight their way to safety through the undead simian horde who seem to have a real bone to pick with Gertie. With ammunition running low and few places to hide. Gertie will have to use all of her wits to survive the night.
This is the second book in the hilarious Tales From Little Lump series.
…………………………………………………………………
***MY HONEST REVIEW OF TALES FROM***
When Gertie sees an alien flying saucer, she automatically shoots it down. Unfortunately, it crashes into the snow monkey sanctuary and leaks radioactive fluid. This causes the monkeys to die and then come back to life zombiefied. As Gertie and Cousin Tommy move place to place to hide, the monkeys chase them. Running out of places, Gertie remembers a rumor about an underground shelter, but will it be enough to protect them?
The hilarious personality of Gertie kept me entertained. She was the funniest country hick around, and ornery as could be. With Cousin Tommy being dumb as a doorknob, they made the perfect pair. And every other character fit just as well. I���m looking forward to more of Gertie���s adventures.
My review can also be found at:
�� ����AMAZON�� �� ��BARNES & NOBLE�� �� ��GOODREADS
…………………………………………………………………
**The above opinions are 100% my own, whether I purchased the book or it was given to me to review.
Buy the book from…
Amazon.com�� ����Barnes and Noble
Follow the Author
Goodreads�� �� ��Website
About the Author
Jeff Folschinsky, who is originally from Houston, Texas, now resides in Los Angeles, California. He is the author of the humorous short story site, “Amused to Death”.
http://jfolschinsky.wordpress.com
He is also co-editor of the literary journal, “Eclectic Voices”.
Posted by Julie Baswell at 12:00 AM
November 25, 2014
The Great Pumpkin is Finally Dead, Charlie Brown
Originally posted on Eclectic Voices:
This story was inspired by a photo from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. ��Click on the AWKARD to the left or on the link at the bottom to see the image.
a monologue by Jeff Folschinsky
SALLY
I hated to do it, but it had to happen. I blame Linus for putting the idea of the Great Pumpkin in my head to begin with. I know dumb, but I was young and gullible, and at the time it seemed plausible. Plus, if I���m really honest with myself, I kind of had a thing for Linus at the time. Yes, I know, the same silly, slightly creepy Linus with the blanket, but I don���t know what to tell you ��� at the time he really intrigued me. I think I might have been going through a phase at the time.
Anyway, when my brother and I walked by that pumpkin patch and just saw���
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November 8, 2014
New Life
The factory seemed like a perfect place. It had been abandoned many years ago, when building cars became more cost effective to do overseas. Aside from the occasional teenager showing up looking to get drunk, among others things, it remained pretty much devoid of any kind of life. That would change soon enough.
Another contraction came, they were coming faster than they were before. Jane put her bag down as carefully as she could, considering the pain she was under. She looked around and found an old mattress obviously left by someone who once called this place home. She worried for a moment that this old building might not be as abandoned as she first thought. She couldn���t worry about that at the moment though, because it was coming. By now she had learned to read the signs. It was coming and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She grabbed onto the old rusty steel column that the mattress was leaning up against and held herself over it in a squatting position. She learned through trial and error than she could���t sit or lay down when it happened. The pain was too much and through no fault of her own she would end up damaging it when it came out. Squatting the way she was, although hard and extremely uncomfortable was the only way it remained unharmed. She also found holding onto something, gave her a place to focus her pain as it happened.
She positioned herself so her skirt was out of the way as much as possible. She didn���t have to worry about undergarments as she had given up on them a long time ago. Her situation had made them completely impractical. Not fully understanding when or how it happened she found convenience won out over modesty.
The final contraction hit her. She knew it was coming because for a brief moment, the pain left her and all things became silent. Like time itself stopped and took a breath. Then as quickly as it stopped it came back. Hitting her, causing every part of her body to tense up, and then push, finally releasing what her body had been creating.
Jane held her position for a few moments. Every time this happened it was as if a little part of her was leaving her body. Almost as if she died a little each time, and as much as she prepared, it never got any easier.
She finally let go of the steel column and carefully moved back. Tears ran down her eyes as she saw the fruits of her labor. A perfect egg, just like all the others.
She carefully laid down beside it, trying to recover from her ordeal. After so many times she had perfected her technique, that serviced both her and the new life she had brought into this world. She carefully laid around it making a ���U��� shape. Allowing her to let her body recover and providing much needed heat for the thing she had brought into the world.
She never like to think of them as things, but she quite honestly had no idea what they were. As of yet, none of them had hatched and she didn���t know what was inside of them. She did however know they were alive. The warmth that pulsated like a heartbeat were clear signs of this. Although it took her awhile to come to terms with this fact.
In the beginning when this first started happening she would simply destroy them, trying to hide what was happening to her. Every time she did this though, it was as if a part of her was disappearing. As if a hole developed in her that felt as if it never went away.
When she finally took the time to investigate them, and felt the life that was forming inside the protective shell that had come out of her. It was only then that she truly felt the weight of what she���s had done. The needless loss of life perpetrated by her own hands. All for the sake of preserving the vanity of a normal life that now seemed meaningless. The guilt was almost too much for her to take.
Her atonement as she thought of it. Was to leave this meaningless life she had once thought of as so sacred, and try to preserve as much of these creations of her���s as possible. Leaving her home, knowing she couldn���t keep her situation secret forever. Fearing if anyone ever found out about her and her eggs, it would surely come to no good. So she left trying to preserve as much life as possible. Not always being successful as tonight though. Many failed births have happened on her journey and she has mourned every one of them.
Tonight though was a success, and she took pride in her accomplishment. Smiling as she got closer to the new life she created. Putting her hand over it and feeling the chaotic sound and rhythm of new life forming inside.
Carefully she reached out and brought her bag over. Slowly taking out her previous successes. Eleven to date, this new one making an even dozen. She smiled thinking this was appropriate as she carefully laid them all next to each other, so they could welcome the new addition to their family.
Family; the word sounded nice to her. The thought that one day the life forming inside would one day come out of it���s shell, and she would be there to welcome them all.
It was a thought that comforted her as she fell asleep. Happily surrounded by her children.
Books by Jeff Folschinsky can be found at:
http://www.amazon.com/Jeff-Folschinsky/e/B00FJI1XZO
