Allison Edwards's Blog, page 9

Anxious Kids and Fireworks

When I was a kid, the 4th of July was my least favorite holiday.  The day itself was fine…eating watermelon, playing in the sprinkler, but when the fireworks came out I headed straight for my bedroom and shut the door. I loved the way the fireworks lit up the sky and if I’d had a mute button to make the sound go away, I would have clicked it and enjoyed the view.  Instead, while everyone else was waiting for the next burst of color to light up the sky, I was hiding in my room waiting for it all to be over.

The kids I work with are very much the same.  The startling sound of the fireworks, the BOOM!, makes anxious kids cower down and hide. We know that the amygdala (fear center of the brain)  is heightened in anxious kids so it’s no wonder the BOOM! of the fireworks makes anxious kids have powerful reactions. When kids feel anxiety in their bodies, they want to run away from the anxiety-producing event (in this case the fireworks) and there’s no talking them out of it. Explaining that fireworks are just for fun and that they won’t hurt anyone is of no use. The fear in their body will override any explanation you could give.

If you have an anxious kid this 4th of July, here are a few ideas:

1.  Sparklers work great, especially before the show.  Sparklers are a great way to introduce an anxious child to fireworks.  They are fun, don’t make much noise and allow kids to be part of the event without having to actually watch the firework show.

2.  Come back and get your child when it’s over.  Make sure the fireworks have all been let off before you go get your child.  Let the adults around you know it’s important to have a stopping point, that your child needs one, and then go rescue your child with a sparkler in hand.  This eases the re-entry back into the group.  A lighted sparkler will make all the difference.

3.  Help your child feel empowered.  Instead of saying things like “You can’t handle the noise,” or “Fireworks are too much for you,” say things like, “You know when there are noises you don’t like,” and “You can choose to leave when you are ready.”

Does this get better?  Parents always ask if there’s a point where kids are no longer afraid of fireworks. The answer is…sometimes.  Sometimes kids have a positive experience and want to watch fireworks the next time.  Other times, kids will go inside, watch television, choose to do something else during the firework show.  They may also cover their ears and hide if you’re away from home.  What’s important is that your child has the tools to handle difficult situations and can join the group when he feels capable enough to do so.

The Anxiety of Summer

Most anxious kids don’t like summer.  There’s too much time (unstructured time, that is) and too many questions.

What are we going to do today?

What’s next?

How much longer until we go to the park? 

These are the questions anxious kids don’t have to answer during the school year.  School provides structure day in and day out and anxious kids love structure.  Structure works so well for anxious kids because they don’t have to think.  They know what comes next.  They know what to expect.  They know what the rules are and what happens if they break them.

Summer is the complete opposite.  Schedules are in flex and time takes on a new meaning.  Instead of time being filled by teachers, soccer coaches and piano teachers, kids now have to fill it themselves.  They have to choose camps, activities, play dates and anything else they think might make their summer a little more bearable.

A great way to handle this anxiety is a parenting tool called Structuring the Unstructured.  By that I mean, getting out a calendar and filling it in, day by day, week by week of what summer activities you already have planned.  First, put in family vacations, already scheduled camps and events, then fill in the holes. Add play dates, trips to the zoo and even camping in the back yard.  For the days you don’t have anything scheduled, have your child choose activities that he/she thinks might be fun.

Post the calendar in a visible place and use it as a tool to help anxious kids deal with all of the uncertainty of summer.  While summer may not excite your anxious child, this tool might just make it bearable.

The Social Roller Coaster of 3rd Grade

Third grade is when the social structures for children start falling into place.  Up until 3rd grade, kids may not know if they are popular or not or why they didn’t get invited to the birthday party that everyone else got invited to.  Third grade brings about a shift and suddenly kids begin seeing the division between themselves and others.

Kids have a variety of reactions to this.  They may complain about not having friends,  make poor decisions in order to get noticed by the “cool” kids or withdraw completely.  As a parent, keep in mind that social navigation is tough.  Kids may float from one group to another, have a variety of “on and off” friends or start seeing themselves in a negative light.

If your child is struggling socially, find a way to get involved in activities where he/she thrives.  Join a sports team with kids from different schools, get a membership to a climbing gym or join a community chess club.  Before your child falls too far,  put things in place to balance out the social roller coaster at school.

Things will level out eventually, at least they do for most kids.  Be patient and find a way to balance things out so that your child is thriving in at least one area.