Allison Edwards's Blog, page 6

Why Smart Kids Need “B’s”

I was giving a presentation last week and a man raised his hand and said, “My child cannot accept failure. Every time he does something he’s not immediately good at, he gives up.” 

My response: “Is school easy for him?” 

His response: “Yes. He’s in seventh grade and has never gotten a B on a report card. He doesn’t even try that hard.”

My response: “Exactly.”

School is the first experience kids have with success/failure. Beginning at the raw age of 5 kids start developing an understanding of what it takes to succeed. Does it take that much effort to color within the lines? Memorize the alphabet? Spell their name? Read a sentence? Write a sentence? Add? Subtract?

For smart kids, the answer is no. They step into kindergarten already knowing how to do these things. They are leaps and bounds ahead of other children without even trying, and this sends a very distinct message…

Things are easy.

I don’t have to try that hard.

I shouldn’t have to try that hard.

Things should come easy.

And when things do get hard (and they always do), smart kids fall apart. They want to quit, run away and hide all because the feelings of failure are foreign to them. While other kids were struggling to learn concepts in school, smart kids were breezing through. They didn’t have to fall, dust themselves off and try again thus they don’t know how to do it.

The longer this goes on the harder it is for smart kids to adjust. If the work that smart kids were given was challenging and they did get B’s early on, things would be easier in the long run. But, this is not so easy when other kids are performing so much lower.

Exceed the expectation = get an A. This is how school works and what smart kids do. Exceed expectations.

If you are a parent of a smart kid who gets all A’s and expects to succeed at everything, take every opportunity to put them in situations where things don’t come so easy. Sign them up for gifted programs – like Duke Tip – where they can be challenged. Sign them up for sports they aren’t immediately good at while they’re young, so they learn how to practice and try hard.

Ultimately, teach your child to focus on effort and develop a lifelong love of learning. It’s not about the A…it’s about learning how to become a better, more well-rounded person.

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TIP OF THE WEEK: How to NOT Feed into Your Child’s Anxiety

Another parent sits in my office and asks, “Do you think she’s doing this for attention?”

After a series of questions, it seems that “Yes. She is.”

She is coming up with new worries daily. She goes from seemingly happy to scared within seconds. She feeds off of talking about her anxiety. She says she had a terrible time even though you saw her bopping around the party.

Yes. It seems she is feeding off of the attention her parents are giving her. And if you stop and think about it…why shouldn’t she?

Anxiety brings strong reactions from parents. Anxious kids are scared and debilitated and coming to their parents for help. When their parents give them the attention they deserve, kids start wanting that same type of attention for everything, even after their worries are gone. In most cases, the initial anxiety is real but then after it has passes, kids are still looking for the same connection with their parents. If they have siblings, their need for attention may be even greater.

If you feel like this may be happening to you, follow the three steps below:

1. Maintain a calm demeanor when your child talks about his/her anxiety. Listen and acknowledge feelings without feeding into the drama of the worry.

2. Set aside a “Worry Time” each day to discuss your child’s worries. This allows your child to have the attention he/she needs without taking up the whole evening to discuss his/her worries. “Worry Time” will happen once a day, instead of continually throughout the day.

3. Refrain from bringing up old worries after they have passed. If you bring it up, they may just start worrying about it all over again. Instead, let it go whenever your child does.

For more tools on how to help anxious kids, order “Why Smart Kids Worry.” 

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Are Gifted Kids Being Left Behind?

In a recent article, David Lubinski – a Vanderbilt Researcher, suggested that gifted kids aren’t getting what they need in the classroom. Due to programs such as “No Child Left Behind,” the academic needs of gifted kids are not being met not because teachers aren’t concerned about gifted kids, but because they simply don’t have time to give gifted kids the accelerated learning opportunities that they need.

In his article, Lubinski says:

“People with very high IQs—what some have called the ‘scary smart’—will do well in regular classrooms, but they still won’t meet their full potential unless they’re given access to accelerated coursework, AP classes and educational programs that place talented students with their intellectual peers like Peabody’s Programs for Talented Youth.”

“While there are programs in place to help those with learning disabilities, there are none federally mandated for the gifted,” Lubinski added. “The higher the intellectual ability, the more difficult it may be to match a student with appropriate educational opportunities and curricula,” he said.

And for this very reason, many parents are seeking outside resources to help challenge their gifted kids. Programs such as Kumon – an after school self-learning program – along with summer programs such as the Duke TIP program provide kids with opportunities to be intellectually stimulated. However, these programs have to be fit into an already busy schedule. Should kids have to miss play dates to do their Kumon? Should they have to go to academically challenging summer camps rather than going to the beach? After being in school for seven hours each day, why should the parents of gifted kids need to look elsewhere?

In a recent Newsweek article entitled, “America Hates its Gifted Kids”, author Chris Weller says that teaching to the middle has hurt the smartest students. The article states, “It’s no secret that when it comes to education, America gets a D-minus. In the most recent global tests – scored on a 1,000-point scale – the U.S. scored a 481 in math, 497 in science, and 498 in reading comprehension. In comparison, international averages were 494, 501, and 496, and the U.S. lags well behind the world’s leaders, a list which includes some of the usual suspects like China, Japan and the Netherlands, but also has Latvia, Slovenia and Vietnam.

Why is the world’s largest economy so bad at teaching its children? One growing school of thought is that the U.S. education system, in its laudable quest to make sure the worst students reach minimal standards, is cheating its best pupils.”

So if our best pupils aren’t being given the learning opportunities they need then our schools clearly aren’t doing their jobs. This is no surprise to many parents and even though the schools aren’t doing it, many parents are taking this on for themselves. They are fitting in the programs, the workbooks, the additional time because they want to give their kids what they need. Keep going parents…your gifted kids need you.

For more information about how to get plugged in with resources for gifted kids, check out Why Smart Kids Worry.

 

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Counseling: The Bridge Between Home and School

Long are the days when going to a counselor was seen as odd or abnormal. Nowadays kids talk about their therapists at the lunch table and as a kid that I see said recently, “You know a girl in my class. You’re her therapist too!”  When I asked how she knew this she simply said, “the pick-up line,” like I should have known. Second graders are now talking about their therapists in the pick-up line – when did this start happening?

It’s been happening for only a short while, it seems. Counselors used to be considered to see only those with “problems” or “when something was very wrong.” Now adults and kids are seeking help when there is a bump in the road – rather than waiting for a 10-car pileup to occur. Is this good? Yes. Most definitely. Especially for kids.

Kids have this unique ability to fall and get up hundreds of times without getting hurt. They trip, stumble, crash…only to get up, wipe themselves off and say, “I’m fine.” Why is this? Because, literally they are. Their bodies are agile. Their bones are strong. They don’t get sciatica (like I do) when they sit for too long. Their brains are very much the same. In Why Smart Kids Worry, I talk about Neuroplasticity (a term you should definitely check out if you already haven’t) which suggests that our brains have the ability to change, and this is even more so for kids. Kids are able to make giant leaps with the right type of counseling, assistance and help – so why not? Why not help kids while they are still kids. It makes perfect sense.

What many people haven’t considered is that counseling, while it provides tools, guidance, support, etc., it also provides a bridge between home and school. As a parent, you know the difference between your “home” child and your “school” child.  “Home Devil/Street Angel” is what it is often referred to. It’s as if you go to a parent/teacher conference and learn about this wonderful, darling child (whom you’ve never met because you’ve never seen him!) and you go home to find that same wonderful, darling child throwing a temper tantrum in the floor because his sister got more ice cream.

Does this mean your child has split personalities? Is there something wrong with your perception of him or her? No. It’s that your child feels safe at home and where there is safety there is often disruption. Counseling allows a bridge to form between the behavior at home and the behavior at school to become a more congruent existence for your child. Counseling can help you learn how to handle those difficult moments at home while helping your child become more authentic at school. When these two dynamics merge, kids get better. And as I always say, “happy kids behave.”

In Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Steven Covey says: BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND. If you think of your child and/or your parenting in this way, you wouldn’t just think about your child’s behavior now or how it’s affecting him this year. You would ask, “How would this affect him in Middle School or High School? What will this look like at 16?”

The good news: There are plenty of good counselors out there – thanks to all of those kids in the pick-up line talking about their great experiences in therapy. Where their is demand, their will be supply. Kids, after all, are our best marketers.

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Why Smart Kids Worry is Going to China! (and other good news)

Two weeks ago, my publishing company (Sourcebooks) contracted Why Smart Kids Worry to be published in Chinese. The process may take some time – the translating and all – but it’s a great step for my book and a great place for Why Smart Kids Worry to be. Asia has been known to produce some of the smartest kids in the world and with higher standards and more rigorous schooling, a book like Why Smart Kids Worry can be a great resource to such an intelligence-minded culture.

On to other good news…

After several months of working with MBC & Associates – a video production company here in Nashville – Why Smart Kids Worry now has a book trailer! I do realize that “trailers” are supposed to precede movies, books, etc. but I just couldn’t help myself. After I met with the creative team and was fortunate enough to find a perfect kid to shoot it, I had to go through with it.

Enjoy and pass it along!

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Tips for Curbing Holiday Anxiety in Kids

The holidays can be a tough time for anxious kids.  Anytime there is something new or a change in routine, anxious kids are known to spin.  Add to that:  Elf on the Shelf, holiday wish lists, toy advertisements on television, advent calendars, two weeks off from school, and a chance of snow and things can spiral down pretty quickly.  Although there’s no real way to shield kids from all the hype, here are a few ways that parents can help:

1. Delay putting up decorations -  Even though you’ve put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving for the last 20 years, it might be a good time to make some changes.  When kids see visual reminders of the holiday season, they get hyped up even if it is a month before the holiday actually occurs.

2. Keep bedtime routines the same – Sleep is imperative this time of year.  If kids go to bed around the same time each night they will not only feel better but will be able to control impulses better.

3. Add structure during days off from school – Make a daily schedule of activities and events.  Write them down and include your kids in the decision.  Schedule a time for play dates and sledding.  A time for hot chocolate and a movie.  Anxious kids always do better if they know what to expect.

4. Take care of yourself – If you’re stressed out, your kids will sense it.  The holidays create stress for everyone but making time to relax and enjoy the simple moments is often the best way to help an anxious child.

 

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What Smart Kids Think About During School

Last week we shot a book trailer for Why Smart Kids Worry. The production team asked me for 100 thoughts that go through the minds of smart kids during the school day. “100!” I said. “That’s a lot!” I thought it might take me a day or two to come up with the sentences but it took all of 10 minutes. All I had to do was recall the many things that kids have said to me over the past few years. In my office, kids come flocking in around 3:00, fresh out of school, their minds spinning from the day. So it wasn’t hard to come up with 100 sentences. I could have easily come up with 200.

That’s because the minds of smart kids don’t stop. They spin and spin with thoughts – one leading to another – and by the end of the school day, they are exhausted. Smart kids have time to think during school because, well, they’re smart. They don’t have to pay attention to every little thing the teacher says, often they already know how to do what she’s explaining anyway. But because they have to sit (and sit quietly) their minds take a little trip, and that trip often leads to anxiety.

Smart kids think about a lot of things and if you look closely at the picture in this post, you will see some of those thoughts:

Will I die?

What happens if I don’t get into college?

Will I fail?

What will I be when I grow up?

Tools like “Change the Channel” can help kids redirect these thoughts and sitting close to the teacher can also help smart kids stay focused. But even the best strategies often can’t keep smart kids from thinking about advanced topics. Their minds just go there. One thing you can do as a parent is acknowledge the feeling below the thought. For example, if your child says, “I’m afraid I’m going to fail,” instead of saying, “What? There’s nothing to worry about! You got all A’s last report card.” Simply say, “I know you’re worried,” or “I’m sorry you’re scared.” What this does is help you connect with your child without creating conflict. When you try to convince your worried child that there’s nothing to worry you discount your child’s feelings because in his/her mind, those worries are very real. I sat with a parent earlier this week who couldn’t believe how much this strategy has helped. She said, “It’s turned everything around. I can’t believe it!”

So give it a try and be looking for the Why Smart Kids Worry book trailer in the next week or so. It depicts what goes on in the minds of anxious kids far better than any words could.

 

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TIP OF THE WEEK: When No is the Best Yes: Helping Kids Be Grateful Around the Holidays

The holidays remind us just how lucky we are. Despite the hustle and bustle we are reminded of being thankful, giving to others and we want our kids to be reminded as well. Thanksgiving especially, is a time when we want kids to be grateful for what they have and to understand that there are many kids around the world who literally have nothing. When parents hear “GROSS!” when their kids see the stuffing on the Thanksgiving table or “WHY NOT?” when they can’t get a toy, parents wonder if, in this entitled world we live in, kids will ever really appreciate what they have.

Trying to explain to a child that there are starving kids in India will only get you a blank stare and a look of confusion. In my book, Why Smart Kids Worry, I describe why kids don’t get this concept by explaining that a kid’s world is like a snow globe. They think that everything that exists in the world exists in their snow globe. Essentially, if it doesn’t happen to them, it doesn’t exist. That’s why trying to explain gratefulness to kids doesn’t work. Kids are developmentally unable to understand what it feels like to not have food to eat or clothes to wear because they’ve never experienced it themselves.

A better approach is to simply say “No” when you would usually say “Yes.” You don’t have to go into a deep explanation about how you are teaching your child to be grateful. Instead say, “I know you are sad you can’t get a toy, but we aren’t getting one today.” After you do this a few times, kids will stop expecting to get what they want. In fact, they’ll start expecting to not get what they want thus becoming grateful when they do get something. This is a back door approach to gratefulness but with kids, the front door rarely works.

So next time you start trying to explain just how lucky your ungrateful child is, hold your tongue. Save your energy and simply say “No” when you would say the next “Yes.”

 

 

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TIP OF THE WEEK: How to Keep Smart Kids Away from Adult Information

I had seen it before. Many times before. Another parent sat before me in tears. Her eight-year-old had found out about her impending divorce before she and her husband decided how to tell the kids. It wasn’t from eavesdropping (Mom and Dad were much too smart to talk when the kids were around) and it wasn’t that they’d slipped up and told them by accident. It was from this text message:

Have you contacted a divorce attorney or do you want me to?

That was the text they were trying to undo. The tears, the questions, the complete confusion by her eight-year-old happened so fast Mom didn’t know how to handle it. It was like a snowball quickly gaining momentum and before Dad could get home, Mom found herself trying to explain a divorce she wasn’t prepared to explain and fighting off emotions she had no control of. “It was a disaster,” she said. “A complete disaster.” If I had heard that story once, twice, even five times I wouldn’t be writing this article. Because I’ve heard it many times is why I’m writing this article.

The tip this week is simple: Do not exchange information you don’t want your child to see. That includes emails, text messages, Facebook, Instagram, etc. If someone sends you something you don’t want your child to see, delete it immediately. Locking your phone can also help keep kids away from adult information only if your child isn’t allowed on your phone. Even better, give your child an old phone that doesn’t have service and they can play all the games they want.

Undoing what has been done via technology can take smart kids a long time to get over. Be smart, especially if you have a smart kid.

 

 

 

 

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TIP OF THE WEEK: Is Your Child’s Anxiety at an All-Time High? Check Your Own Pulse

I have been at book signings all week and have found that the parents walking up to my table are just as worried as their child.

Am I doing something wrong?

I’m not putting pressure on my child but she still thinks she has to have an A.

When he gets worried, I get worried.

I don’t know what else to do. I’m worried it will never get better. 

“Relax. Calm Down. It’s okay,” is what I told most parents but the ones who stuck around to ask further about how to calm down about their child’s anxiety, I said, “Think of it as a roller coaster. If you ride the emotions out with your child you’re going to feel upside down, not knowing what comes next. Instead, stop, get off your child’s emotional roller coaster and watch it from a distance.” 

A great way to do this is from my app “Anxiety Tracker” which will help you gain perspective on your child’s anxiety. Another way is to delay your reaction. Be prepared for lots of emotions to come out of your anxious child. They are not going away but instead of letting your child take you on an emotional ride, step back, take a few breaths, check your own pulse and then go back to being a calm, supportive parent for your anxious child!

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