Barnabas Piper's Blog, page 91

The Consequences of Being Uncurious

Most people, when they see something that makes little sense to them, instead of engaging it, cringe away, cross the street, and hustle on their way, leaving it for someone else to deal with. They treat ideas or events that “are not really in their wheelhouse” the same way whether it’s art, sports, science, politics, current events, or whatever. Basically, most people avoid most complex ideas and happenings that do not directly relate to their immediate needs or interests. They go about their business living in their narrow view of life.

Going about life in this manner is what I call “uncuriosity,” and it has consequences. Severe ones. It dramatically affects how we see the world and all its inhabitants.

Binary thinking 

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everything into two groups and those who don’t. Binary thinking takes the grays of the world and insists they are either black or white. It responds to sensitive and complex situations with either/or thinking and in the end creates far more issues than it resolves.

Missed Connections

Most people in the world are strangers to us. We do not know them and because we do not know them we fear them, for the unknown and the different are scary. Instead of seeing the potential for gaps to be bridged uncuriosity sees the gaps as protection from the the foreign and frightening.

Depleted Friendships

True friendships are among the rarest of commodities. We have buddies and co-workers and neighbors but not so many friends. We lack connection with others because we fear letting them close or digging into their lives. Uncuriosity tells such behavior is risky, messy, and terribly uncomfortable. It is much simpler and neater to leave people in the acquaintance zone.

Love Lost

Marriages are powerful and fragile, and they are incredibly difficult too. Marriage takes remarkable effort because love gives into the intertia of life. It stalls and stales unless we intentionally, passionately, actively fight to keep it going and living and sparking. Only curiosity will do this because it recognizes the unknown depths of the spouse and the relationship and seeks to learn and love it all. Uncuriosity sits idly by and lets the love grow still, cold, and dead.

God Is . . .?

Some of us know much of God, but how many of us have a vibrant relationship with God? We know the phrase but not the reality. We know of God but we don’t know God. In the same way that friendships never start and marriages fade we fail to draw close or stay close to God. Because we are uncurious – uncurious about the depths of His goodness and the mysteries of His ways. Our uncuriosity settles for flannel graph depictons of God instead of relentlessly and eagerly seeking to know Him.

I Don’t Care

The world is so much larger than us. It holds the lives of seven billion unique image bearers of God from tens of thousands of cultures and millions of subcultures. It is beautiful and terrible and majestic and sublime. And none of this matters to the uncurious because all he can think about is what’s for lunch or when new episodes of Daredevil will be on Netflix for his binge watching pleasure. Uncuriosity not only doesn’t care. It cannot.

This is an excerpt from my forthcoming book,  The Curious Christian: How Discovering Wonder Enriches All of Life  that is due to be released in early 2017. 

Conflict Resolution, Excuses, and Race Relations

Conflict resolution is awful. Nobody likes it. Some of you love conflict (a sickness in itself), but nobody wants to resolve it. It’s like surgery followed by bed rest followed by therapy all without any painkillers.

What makes it worse is when one side makes excuses. You go to them and express your frustration about actions they take or words they speak or, more nebulously, attitudes they exhibit and they say “Well, give me an example what you mean.” And that’s when things go sideways. You can’t not give examples because that looks like you’re making things up. But you know what happens the moment you do give any – excuses.

“Oh that was just one time.”

“It was an accident.”

“It was a bad day and I was really tense.”

“She just got under my skin so much.”

“I’m just a really direct and blunt person.”

“He shouldn’t have talked to me like that.”

Every example you give, every instance of conflict caused by the other person, can be explained away. Of course, many of these explanations are hollow or even outright untrue. Instead of acknowledging your sense of things, your observation of a trend, your hurt and anger the other person turns the issue back around you as if it is a court of law. The burden of proof lies on you, the accuser.

That isn’t conflict resolution. It’s conflict exacerbation because the other side refuses to take any steps to understand why you feel like you do or to see what you see.

I think I just described race relations in America.

Black people in this country have come to us, the Caucasian cultural majority, to express pain and fear and anger and sorrow over decades upon decades of injustice and unfair treatment. And how have we responded? “Well, give me an example.” So begins the end of racial conflict resolution not because they have no examples but because we explain them away.

“Alton Sterling was a felon who might have been armed.”

“Trayvon Martin was a thug in a hoodie who attacked first.”

“Michael Brown robbed a store.”

“Maybe if they worked harder they could get out of the hood.”

“They have the same opportunities the rest of us have; they just make something of them.”

Excuses explaining away instances. Reasons for injustice, most of which (all of which) are hollow and largely untrue. And none of these offer explanation for other instances.

What is the excuse for the shooting of Tamir Rice, a 12-year-old boy playing outside? (Right – “We thought he was armed.” Hollow.)

What is the excuse for the shooting of Philando Castile who took every step a driver is supposed to take to present himself as a non-threat to a police officer? (Right – “He resembled a suspect in a robbery: African American with a wide-set nose.” Hollow and offensive.)

What is the excuse for the shooting of Charles Kinsey? (Right – “We meant to shoot the autistic man playing with a toy truck and threatening nobody.” Hollow and utter nonsense.)

And on and on it goes. We downplay instances and we write off systemic issues. We refuse to see privilege as the majority culture. And in all of these we put the “burden of proof” on our black brothers and sisters. We refuse to resolve the conflict; instead we tacitly accuse them of stirring up the conflict.

When conflict can’t be resolved, especially when one side refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing or blames the other, there are only two ways things can go – complete separation or escalation. Nothing is healed. Nothing is worked through. No surgery, no bed rest, no therapy – none of the things that lead to wholeness.

The question I pose to my white brothers and sisters is this: Instead of explaining and excusing will you listen and acknowledge? In themselves, listening and acknowledging resolve nothing, but without them nothing can be resolved. It is step one, one of many.

What does listening and acknowledging look like? Here are some ideas.

Find voices different than your perspective, those who will reveal realities you might otherwise have missed. Some suggestions to follow on Twitter: @ThabitiAnyabwile, @PropHipHop, @Deray, @JackieHillPerry, @MrMedina, @ColeBrownPDX, @DrJJWilliams, @Khaledbeydoun, @BenjaminSWatson, @TrilliaNewbell, @JamilSmith, @VisionNehemiah, @StevenPatton, @BrentNYT, @DonnaBrazile, @BJ116, @HistorianSpeaks, @WendellPierce
When you hear something that makes you uncomfortable don’t distance yourself; dig in.
When a black person (or any minority) says something is a problem ask how they might be right not how they might be wrong.
Realize and remember that the life experience of others offers them perspective and experience you are completely unfamiliar with, especially if they are from a different culture.
Ask questions, even if they seem dumb. Seek out someone who will patiently listen to your questions and offer honest perspective. Ask them how they feel, what they see, about their stories. And don’t discount any of it. This is nerve-wracking and uncomfortable at times, but you will be surprised at the response when you humbly seek to learn from someone of a different background.
Seek a bigger picture. The smaller your perspective the easier it is to ignore or explain away other perspectives. The bigger your perspective the more trends and patterns you will see. As you ask and dig in listen you will learn a narrative larger than your own.

As we take these steps we will find ourselves making fewer excuses. We may not come up with ready answers to problems, but at least we will begin to recognize them as problems, as our problems. That is where the hard work of conflict resolution can begin.

Honest Parenting Haikus

Children whine without cease

It is to be expected.

It’s still annoying.

 

Daughters are lovely

But they never stop talking

So so many words.

 

Babies are so cute

It’s a very good thing too

Since they never sleep

 

Kids rebel often

But they give so many hugs

It’s all ok now

 

Mac and cheese again

Get used to it, moms and dads

Every lunch for years

 

Sibling rivalry

Is a nice way to describe

Constant loud fighting

 

Children hate quiet

Like cats hate dogs and water

It’s anathema

 

Can I have some water

Another bed time delay

Little con artists

 

“Your child is so sweet”

Says my daughter’s friend’s parent

Really? Not at home

 

“I love you daddy”

Says a child after trouble

All is forgiven

 

“Mommy said I could”

After daddy said no.

Kids are devious

 

“Hey daddy, watch this”

A child says one hundred times

Each trip to the pool

 

So many questions

You are a curious kid

That’s great. Go ask mom.

 

Your child got new jeans

Oh look – a hole in the knee

Every single time

 

I am always tired

Children steal my life force

They are like vampires

 

Fireworks are boring

Except when kids are there

Then they are so fun

 

Girls can scream so high

My ears can barely stand it

Like a dog whistle

 

Everything is new

To a small child exploring

They notice it all

 

Like a fairy tale

Is how kids see a forest

So much adventure

 

“Dad are we there yet?”

I hear from the back seat

No we just left home

 

“I do not like it”

Children say without trying

New foods or restaurants

 

Best friends and worst enemies

Is the only description

To explain siblings

 

I love you daddy

Is the perfect sentence

After a long day

 

Parenting is hard

And that’s an understatement

But it is worth it

 

5 Characteristics of Childlike Faith

Childish and childlike are similar words with vastly different meanings. The former encapsulates all the worst things about children – petulance, immaturity, obnoxiousness, selfishness, and so on. It is antithetical to faith. The latter, though, describes all the beautiful things about children – trust, joy, innocence, curiosity, wonder, forgiveness, and so much more. This word, childlike, is the flavor our faith in God ought to have. What follows are five characteristics of childlikeness that make faith robust, rich, and full of life. Like a child.

1) Children ask honest questions.

By honest questions I mean questions that do not challenge or subvert or undermine. They simply want to know truth. Yes, children are sinful and do challenge authority, but think of their curious questions, their eager questions, their innocent question. Each one has a single motive: teach me. They simply want to know truth.

We forget this as adults because we encounter (or ask) so many loaded questions – questions with ulterior motives, meant to challenge, designed to undermine or embarrass. We become passive aggressive with our questions or just confrontational. Children are not like this. They are just eager to know truth.

2) Children ask openly.

Unlike adults, children do not fear for their reputation or image and do not care who is around when they ask a question. This can create some awkward situations when they wonder “why is that lady wearing that” or get curious in the feminine care aisle at Target. But they simply want to know and think nothing at all of who knows they have a question. There is no shame and no embarrassment until we teach them to be embarrassed.

Children also focus only on the one they are asking with complete trust that an answer will be forthcoming. This is part of the reason they ask so openly; they are only thinking of one person, the one who can provide their answer. Imagine if we prayed like this and were so singly focused on God that what others thought or who else might know of our questions, ignorance, worries, or doubts would be of no consequence.

3) Children ask from a place of vulnerability with the expectation of an answer.

When they are little children see parents as omniscient. They expect parents to know everything, but over time are forced to come to grips with all the things parents don’t know. Children instinctively know that their knowledge is limited, even if they can’t articulate it; that’s why they ask so many blasted questions. So to find out Dad and mom can’t answer all their questions takes a position of vulnerability and makes it feel uncertain and tenuous. They start with total trust then grow out of it.

We don’t have to grow out of vulnerability and total trust in God, though. We can grow in it. Unlike parents, God does know everything, including so much that is beyond our capacity to ask or understand. We can be utterly dependent, or rather admit our dependence. We can be completely vulnerable, honest, and open with our questions and we can expect that God will answer us with precisely what we need. Child like faith is that which knows we don’t know, knows He does, and asks with the expectation that the answer He gives will be the right one.

4) Children do not know what is best for them most of the time, but they trust their parents.

Parents generally know what is best for kids, or at least they know better than kids do. No Candy for breakfast, don’t play in the street, don’t eat that glue, don’t poke the cat, eat your veggies, do your homework, don’t hit your sister. Children get frustrated with these commands even though they are for their good just like we get frustrated with how God knows what is best for us and commands us accordingly.

Children don’t always understand why parents say “no” or “do this.” Often the reason is simply beyond their maturity or capacity for understanding. And despite griping and moaning, if parents are loving and generally stable, kids trust them. Kids have an incredible capacity for trust.

We understand even less about God’s reasons because of the depth and breadth of His wisdom and in the infinity of His mind. And we certainly gripe and moan and outright rebel against Him and occasionally throw a tantrum too. But because of His Word, His character, His promises, and all the ways He has shown His love we can absolutely trust Him.

5) Children trust and find satisfaction with parents.

Even if children are frustrated or confused by parents, so long as the parents show love the children will trust them deeply and take pleasure in their presence. Kids are home with parents. Three years ago my family moved from Illinois to Tennessee. At the time my daughters were seven and four, and the move was pretty smooth for them. They were happy throughout the process with just a couple exceptions. That’s because they were with their parents. They were safe and loved and secure. Imagine if we had handed them each a duffel bag and a bus ticket and sent them to Tennessee. It would have killed them, maybe literally.

How much more should we take pleasure in God’s presence even when we cannot understand His reasons or His plan. We know His love, shown for us in Jesus that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. We know His promises: I will never leave you or forsake you, I will be with you always, nothing can separate you from the love of Christ, fear not for I am with you. God is the answer to our questions and doubts and the soothing for our anxieties. His presence and love is what we need, always.

Children get this. They understand so little yet they are so much more right than we are. We have grown out of faith in so ways.

Last Sunday I preached at Awaken Church in Clarksville, TN on this very subject. These points are drawn from that message. You can watch it here.

Steps to Starting a Podcast

Podcasting is now where blogging was in the early 2000s – booming and being discovered by the masses as a relatively easy way to both consume and create content of all sorts. This post is for the creators, or rather the prospective creators – those considering launching a podcast. I have been part of launching three in the past 5 years, so this stems from what I have learned in those experiences as well as conferring with other podcasters. This list was compiled with he help of Jonathan Howe who helped launch and co-hosts Rainer on Leadership. It is not a comprehensive list or a detailed plan exactly, but if you use this list as you plan It will help you over many podcasting speed bumps.

Listen to lots of podcasts

Familiarize yourself with the medium.
Learn what you love and hate.
Find styles with which you resonate.
Discover what’s already out there.

Define your specialty or focus

What are you passionate about?
What are you good at?
What do you bring to the table to benefit a specific audience?

Do you know who that target audience is?



Define your target audience

Based on your focus, who do you most need to reach?
Who will be the people you are speaking to/for each episode?
Who do you already reach that will likely tune in?

Would they be interested in your focus?



Determine the best format and style for your topic and audience

Conversational among set hosts – features the hosts thoughts and repartee
Conversational with guests – could have a single host or multiple hosts
Interview/Q&A – More formal interview with the guest as the feature.
Monologue/Teaching – One person speaks at length (think sermon podcasts)
Tightly prepared and scripted – think NPR’s podcasts that are highly produced and tightly woven together
Off-the-Cuff – Get some topics and go
Ask yourself “what kind of podcast would I want to listen to?”

Determine the ideal length for your selected format and focus

Leadership/Business – 20-35 minutes
Entertainment/Conversation – 40-90 minutes
Education/Teaching – 20-30 minutes
This is the loosest guideline and you’ll discover a comfort zone as you go.

Determine your release schedule

Ideally release weekly or more frequently – More frequent releases lead to more downloads, more sharing, and more regular listenership.
Decide what days you will release.
Determine what pace you can keep up over time.

Part of this has to do with how often you can come up with good content. Part of it has to do with energy, motivation, and schedule.



Confirm the basic recording and preparation logistics

Where and when will you record?
How much prep time do you need?

This really depends on format. The tighter the format or rigorous the interview the more prep time will be needed.


How much time for editing/preparation after recording?

Finalize the technical, web, and design support you need

Who will edit the audio?
Who will post the file?
Who will manage any blog and social media presence?
Who will track metrics, downloads, and listener data?
Who will design your logo and brand image?

Put together a launch plan

How will people find out about the podcast?
Do you have influencers and friends who will share on your behalf if you ask? Well then ask!

Give them specific links and wording to tweet or share to Facebook so they can just copy and paste.
Stagger these requests so that all the social media buzz does not happen on the same day.


Consider releasing multiple episodes at once at launch to give yourself a download boost and give prospective listeners enough to get them hooked.
Lead with strong content – top guests, topics with some hook, etc. Content is king and if you offer something awesome people will listen and share over time.

Get good equipment


A portable set up if you’re ready to invest some money

Audio Technica Mic and Cord 
Mic Stand
Sony Headphones
32 GB SD card
6 Track Zoom Recorder
Pelican Carryon Case 


USB Mics for the budget conscious or internet recorders

Blue Yeti
Blue Snoball


Call Recorder App – For Recording over Skype

New Happy Rant: Christian James Bond, Electronic giving, and are the Olympics lame?

In this episode of the Happy Rant podcast Barnabas Piper, Ted Kluck, and Ronnie Martin have a scintillating discussion about topics of utmost importance.

With Daniel Craig’s contract as Bond fulfilled, what prominent Christian leader would make the best James Bond?
Is it better to give to a church electronically or physically? Does it matter? Should there be giving kiosks?
Are the Olympics awesome or lame? Why did they used to be awesome than they are now?

We’d like to thank Moody publishers for sponsoring us. They would like to call attention to Create vs. Copy by Ken Wytsma. Ken is the founder of the Justice Conference and in this book explores how every person is gifted to create in some fashion and helps the reader understand how this might work in their respective contexts. He explains that creativity isn’t just a gift that some people have – it can be learned and practiced (and should be).

Like every week, we want to offer a big thank you to Resonate Recordings, the fine folks who make us sound listenable. If you are looking for great people to help your church put out recorded sermon audio or help you with a podcast they’re your people.

Feel free to hit us up on Twitter at @HappyRantPod or on Facebook or via email at HappyRantPodcast@Gmail.com with any topic suggestions or feedback. We love hearing from listeners!

To listen you can:

Subscribe in iTunes.
Listen on Stitcher.
Leave us a rating in iTunes (it only takes 1 click and it really helps us).
Listen using the player below.

Episode #95

 

Questions to Help Pastors Draw Closer to Their Kids

Pastors’ kids need parents more than they need pastors. They need conversations more than sermons. They need a patient listener more than stern advice. These are all nice concepts, but how exactly can pastors (and spouses) do this? Here are 7 questions you can ask to help them bridge the gap between ministry and your children.

(Note: These questions are only useful if your children feel safe being honest and vulnerable and know that you are ok being vulnerable too.)

Do you feel like you’re different than other kids your age because of what I do?

Just be blunt. Be bold to ask. You might not like the answer, but it will likely peel away a façade you might not have even known existed. This could be the precursor to conversations about identity, pressure, expectations, legalism, and a whole heap of stuff that can skew a PK’s perspective on Jesus, the church, and grace.

What kinds of expectations do you feel like people put on you because you’re a PK?

Cue venting, ranting, and possibly tears. Many PKs have pent up frustration (ranging to rage) at the competing expectations they often feel obliged to fulfill. Expecations to be, to do, to not do – they pile high and deep. By asking you are lancing an angry boil and applying a soothing salve – listening and empathy.

Do you feel like I expect anything unfair from you as a PK?

Now you get to the next layer. It is relatively easy for PKs to vent about those people. But can they do the same about you and how you hold them to an unfair standard? Or maybe you don’t hold them to an unfair standard at all but they don’t understand why their life is just different than others or why they can’t do certain things. Either way this is an opportunity to sort through some tangled, difficult, painful stuff. To do that you must be willing to humbly admit any fault.

Do you think I act the same and treat people the same at home as I do at church?

Now that you’re here, what’s a little more vulnerability? You’re now asking your kids to help you be a better parent (and pastor). They know you inside and out. They see you every day. They know when you’re full of crap. So let them call you on it. Apologize. Ask for forgiveness. And repent. You will all be better for it.

Who is Jesus to you? What does He mean to you?

Be careful with this one. Your kids know what you want to hear and will default to that. They know what they are supposed to believe and what you teach week in and week out, and they will parrot that. Don’t assume that what they say first is what they truly believe. Don’t assume they know what they believe. Prod a little. Massage the conversation. Don’t interview or cross-examine. Don’t frown or challenge. Again, just listen and understand. Don’t teach or lecture (you do that for 40 minutes every Sunday and probably a few other times too). Tell them what Jesus means to you and how He’s changed your life. Tell them about the hard times you have following Jesus. Make Jesus a God-Man worth having a relationship with, not just the subject of a sermon.

Is there anything your struggling with or having a hard time with?

Be patient. They might not ant to answer this at first. But if they have seen you admit fault and humbly ask forgiveness then it will be easier. Easier still if you’ve done this toward them. Lead with your weaknesses and create an easier context for them to be honest. Then remember that the best correction isn’t angry and doesn’t look down. It’s patient and pointing upward.

Do you want to go get ice cream? (Or play catch, or grab coffee, or see a movie, or ride bikes, or . . .)

This is really the crux of the whole deal. All the other questions will dry up if your kids don’t like you and kids like nothing more than simply being with you and doing fun stuff. Spend time doing what they love. Invite them to do what you love. Just be with them. It’s in these contexts that the best conversations start and flourish. And your kids can flourish too.

For more on serving pastors’ kids well and the challenges they face check out my book The Pastor’s Kid: Finding Your Own Faith and Identity. If this blog is all the reading you can handle you can get the audio book with I read instead. I’m no Morgan Freeman, but it’s not too bad.

New Happy Rant:A Calvinist Documentary, Altar Calls for Kids, and Rachel The Held Evans

In this episode of The Happy Rant Ted, Ronnie, and Barnabas rant about the following pressing and timely subjects. Things get heated. Tension is high. Fun is had.

So there’s a new documentary coming out about Calvinism and it has a Kickstarter campaign. Ronnie and Barnabas square off about said project.
Should churches do altar calls for kids or is that just confusing?
Where did “Rachel the Held Evans” come from as a sign-off

We’d like to thank our sponsor, Olive Tree, this week. Olive Tree offers comprehensive and convenient Bible Study Software as well as a massive library of Christian books. Their apps for all mobile devices are clean and convenient. It is an incredible way to do in-depth study, compile all your notes and highlights, compare texts, open study materials and scripture side-by-side, and work in the original biblical languages. Or you can simply read your favorite Christian authors like Ted or Barnabas. They have a special offer for Happy Rant listeners too. If you use the code RANT at checkout you can get a 20% discount on whatever your purchase through July 31.

We’d also like to thank Moody publishers for sponsoring us. They would like to call attention to The Pursuit of God, the classic book by A.W. Tozer. Each chapter of the book describes a different aspect of waiting on God and how every human heart yearns for Him and to be filled by Him. It’s currently $.99 for Kindle and under $6 for the paperback. Snag it while the deal lasts!

Like every week, we want to offer a big thank you to Resonate Recordings, the fine folks who make us sound listenable. If you are looking for great people to help your church put out recorded sermon audio or help you with a podcast they’re your people.

Feel free to hit us up on Twitter at @HappyRantPod or on Facebook or via email at HappyRantPodcast@Gmail.com with any topic suggestions or feedback. We love hearing from listeners!

To listen you can:

Subscribe in iTunes.
Listen on Stitcher.
Leave us a rating in iTunes (it only takes 1 click and it really helps us).
Listen using the player below.

Episode #94

9 Traits of Truly Curious People

Curiosity pointed in any direction is marked by the same traits. Whether we are investing in a marriage, a co-worker, a project, a sermon, a mission trip, a friendship, or a crisis a truly curious person shares these.

1 – Curiosity is loving because it has explored the depths of God’s love. It knows its own unworthiness and how much grace was poured out in spite of that.

2 – Curiosity is humble because it sees its own limitations and the bigness of God and His world. It recognizes that it is no better than any other person since each bears the same fingerprints of a creator.

3 – Curiosity is caring because it knows its own need and how its own needs have been met. It recognizes the needs in others because it has genuine interest in them as people, as image bearers of God.

4 – Curiosity asks and wonders because it yearns to know. It asks God. It asks His Word. It asks people. It asks the books they write and the words they record. It asks because it knows its knowledge and understanding are never complete. There is always something more to learn.

5 – Curiosity listens because there is so much to learn and it listens because it genuinely values what others say. It listens to make them feel valued. It listens because the world around it is full of music and words and phrases and each ahs the potential to raise its eyes and lift its heart and spark something new.

6 – Curiosity watches for all the same reasons it listens – watching is listening with the eyes. Every waking moment (and occasionally the dreaming ones) is an opportunity to observe creation, loved ones, cultures, news, art. Each of these offers glimmers of God’s creative glory and can spark further wonder.

7 – Curiosity is tenacious because it will never reach the limits of discovery of a single subject or person or discipline. It will never visit everywhere or hear everything. And it is tenacious in its focus not just its appetite. It seeks to really hear and understand and see.

8 – Curiosity solves because it finds brokenness and problems then sees them as opportunities for change rather than obstacles. It understands needs that exists and finds potential solutions.

9 – Curiosity hopes because it has seen so many millions of ways God has provided and cared and loved and created. Curiosity has examined His promises and seen Him as true to keep them. So, while curiosity will never rest, it can rest in the hope of God’s faithfulness.

This is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, The Curious Christian: How Discovering Wonder Enriches All of Life that is due to be released in early 2017. 

7 Lies We Tell Our Children

We all lie to our kids. Sometimes it’s on purpose and for what we deem a good purpose. Sometimes it’s because we so want them to believe something, to feel better, to overcome a challenge, or to work through pain that we will say anything to try to help. Sometimes it’s because we’re idiots and just don’t realize what we’re doing. Here are seven of the most common lies parents tell kids.

1) You can do anything you set your mind to.

Right. Except for all the things you aren’t good at and simply aren’t wired for. Every child can do something well, usually lots of things. But no child can do everything, and we do them a disservice if we encourage them to pursue things they simply can’t succeed at. The challenge is knowing when to let them fail and when to convince them to avoid the road to failure.

2) It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks.

C’mon, parents. We don’t even believe this. We want to, but we don’t. We are trying to give our children a sense of security and self-confidence that we never developed. And, in fact, what people think does matter. It doesn’t change our children’s value or worth. But it matters because it hurts or helps. It matters because it lifts up or tears down. We know this because we feel it every day.

3) Good grades matter most.

Few of us would actually say this. We know we’re supposed to say that character and faith matter most. But our actions often give lie to these sentiments. In a thousand little ways we show our kids that their report card is their validation. We reward the grades but not the effort, overlooking the sweat and tears that went into that B-minus. We give our A-type oldest children achievement complexes that come back to bite them in the butt semester one of college when they get their first B ever. We devalue non-academic talents and soft skills (skills which will actually serve them far better than algebra two) in the pursuit of honor-roll parent status.

4) Don’t worry about the results; it’s effort that counts.

The answer to lie #3 is not lie #4. Results do matter. They matter a lot in life, and isn’t life what we are preparing kids for. There are times to comfort a crestfallen child with encouragement about how hard they tried. But they also need to be encouraged with successes. We need to praise their improvement and their results – learning an instrument, giving a speech, shooting a basket, driving a car, getting that B-minus. And we must remember that success is not a static standard. It is different from child to child and from instance to instance. Effort absolutely counts, and generally it leads to good results. But our kids need to learn that sometimes it simply isn’t enough to try hard.

5) It’s the thought that counts.

This is like the lazy version of lie #4. “If you think nice thoughts that’s good enough.” Since when? Learn to express your nice thoughts. Write them well. Give gifts. Make something. Show affection. Be present. Be attentive. Do the work and make the effort to turn thoughts into something visible, tangible, and memorable. The thought counts when it becomes action otherwise it’s just wasted latent potential.

6) Good job, buddy.

This could be the tagline for today’s parents. You finished your French fries? Good job, buddy! You played a lazy game of soccer and lollygagged through the second half? Good job, buddy! You did a simple thing every child should be expected to do? Good job, buddy! Kids need affirmation. But over-affirming the basic standards of behavior or even poor behavior pushes our kids towards a perpetual need for praise for stuff that deserves none. Many of the jobs our kids do are good in that they are done, but the doing doesn’t deserve applause. Acknowledgement, yes. Even a thank you. But not praise. They are just a part of life. And the more we praise the mundane and the expected the cheaper our praise becomes for those things that actually deserve it.

7) It will be ok, I promise.

This is the lie told with the best intentions. It is what we say when our children are frightened or hurt and we can’t do a thing about it. We cannot fix it. We cannot heal it. So we say, “the Sun will come out tomorrow” – it will be ok. But we don’t know that. Tomorrow might be worse. We cannot promise it will be ok. I mean, we know it will be ok because God promised it would be, but He didn’t promise we would feel better.

So maybe this isn’t a lie. Certainly not if we point them to promises that will be kept. Not if we tell them, yes, it will hurt but God is still good. Not if we say we will stand by them and help them and pray for them. “It will be ok” is a cheap phrase on it’s own – a platitude we utter in helpless moments. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be lift their little eyes to something and someone bigger than themselves that will not fail them.