Colleen Brown's Blog, page 25

We get to move in to our apartment two weeks early now!!

We get to move in to our apartment two weeks early now!!

"Somewhere out there is the poemI never finished but always meant to.The last time I wrote..."

“Somewhere out there is the poem

I never finished but always meant to.

The last time I wrote something with actual

meaning was at my grandfathers funeral

and it was on the back of a packet

that on the front asked me if I had found my way

to God, or if I was merely just walking

in his creation. If only those printed words knew

I’d been walking around aimlessly for so long.



I remember the summer days when Papa

was here still. Being by the crystal blue

and chlorine scented water - I never felt

so at ease with everything that had been going

on in my life, whether it was good or bad.

Papa knew how to make me feel better

about everyone who had made me feel

like shit. “Forget about em’, they don’t

know you like I know you and you shouldn’t

ever let em’.” He was always right, and I’ll take

that advice to my grave. I wonder what

kind of advice he took to his.



It’s been almost a year since he passed

and the only thing that I’ve noticed change

is my grandmothers weight. My family thinks

everything is different and I don’t know why

I can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t hear anything

but how the wind calls me for when I tune out

everyone around me. Nothing has changed

except for my body since Papa has been gone.

I’ve been convincing myself that maybe

it’s because I can still feel him near me,

can still see him netting out beetles and spiders

from the crystal blue, chlorine scented water.”

- ”The summer when Papa was here,” Colleen Brown

"I’m harsh to you for reasonsthat I do not know of myself.It’s not that you did anythingtoday or..."

“I’m harsh to you for reasons

that I do not know of myself.

It’s not that you did anything

today or in the past but it’s

your face that makes me want

to light my own hands on fire.

It’s your face, looking at me

with love that makes me want

to run away from everything

that I’ve ever grown comfortable

with. I’m undeserving of love,

of your love, of your constant

care and consideration towards

my heart. I grow angry whenever

you tell me that I’m your

everything and that your biggest

fear is losing me - you’re lying

and I know it, because how does

anyone fear missing someone else

over the fear of missing out

on everything that someone else

can hold them back from?

I’ve never been loved like this

and it scares me. I’ve never been

loved like this and it pisses me off

because I know it’s going to be

temporary like everything else

that felt so promising in my life before

you came along with that sideways

grin that I hate to admit that I love

so much, and that I’m afraid

I’m never going to see again after

you realize how much better you’re

off without someone like me

weighing you down from every

opportunity that comes along your way

that’s better than this, than me,

than what we’ve created together.”

- Colleen Brown

took these 30 minutes apart - the sky, like me, can never seem...

took these 30 minutes apart - the sky, like me, can never seem to make up its mind

My fiancé and I are moving into our apartment on the 4th of August and it’s the first time in the 2...

My fiancé and I are moving into our apartment on the 4th of August and it’s the first time in the 2 ½ years that we’ve been together that we’ll actually be living alone, together. We’re so damn happy and excited! Mostly since our baby will be here in less than two months. I can’t for our little family to have our own little place!!

I’m starting to gain inspiration again. I’m starting to find the hobbies I once loved so fondly,...

I’m starting to gain inspiration again. I’m starting to find the hobbies I once loved so fondly, interesting again. I’ve been reading, playing video games and writing more. I don’t know where all that inspiration, warmth and dedication went. For awhile there, I didn’t feel like me but a vessel that was just carrying my heart and mind around. I can’t wait to lose myself into books again. I can’t wait to explore new worlds in video games again. I can’t wait to find new pieces of myself outside in the world and inside of words. I miss the old me. I miss soaking up the sun and finding peace and inspiration inside the sky when it changes colors. I can be pregnant with love and still be myself. I can start a new life and still hold on to fragments of my past life, the parts that I molded so delicately. I can’t wait to start sharing again. I can’t wait to start new projects. I can’t wait to be a mother. I can’t wait to gain new knowledge. I just want to live inside of this certainty forever.

I’m going to the bookstore in a little bit.I need book recommendations.Please, recommend me...

I’m going to the bookstore in a little bit.

I need book recommendations.

Please, recommend me something to read. Whether it’s poetry, fiction or even a manga.

This Summer semester of school is already killing me.

This Summer semester of school is already killing me.

I finally bought myself a computer / gaming headphones / gaming equipment / a bunch of new journals....

I finally bought myself a computer / gaming headphones / gaming equipment / a bunch of new journals. I feel so much better making money again. We’re looking for apartments and we are so, so close to moving into a new place! 

What’s your favorite thing to do in Summer?

What’s your favorite thing to do in Summer?