Sue Baiman's Blog, page 12

Combatting the Cold

The cold creeps up to the window

Staring in at us with icy eyes

You shut the blinds and pull me to you

Curl your body around mine

And we sigh in the blissful warmth

Being wrapped in love provides

The cold rattles the windows

Icy fingers try to claw their way in

From underneath the door

I toss a door pillow down

Make you coffee

And settle back into your arms again

Our fortress fortified

We spend the day

Talking, touching, reading, laughing

Racing each other back to bed

To make more heat

Before the cold can attack again

Finding Direction

We are each

A work in progress

Wandering

Down a path

We sometimes can’t even see.

Stumbling

With my eyes closed

Has previously led

To painful falls.

Opening my eyes,

Surveying where I’ve been,

And grabbing

A walking stick of words

Helps make the journey

A little bit easier.

It doesn’t mean

I still won’t go the wrong way

Or stumble;

But at least my eyes are open

And I have a better idea

Of where I want to go.

Momentary Madness

The flush of adrenaline

Pulse pounding

Bodies entwined

You are mine

A moment stolen

Beholden

Orchestral swell

Stifling a yell

Notes circling around our heads

Around our bodies

Colors flashing

Pulsing alive

Breath abducted

Strings plucked

World spinning

Out of control

Flying off into space

Infinite grace

And beyond

To fly free

Wrapped in your arms

Safe from harm

In this moment of madness

Moment of love

My Church

My church is not a place

It is a celebration

Not of a particular myth

But of a rest well earned

Of creativity already unleashed

And creations yet to be

My church is not an architectural masterpiece

It is a mindset

It is lightness and love

It is sleeping in

Until my body is rested

It is reading and writing

Snippets of things

Or an entire tome

It is a physical book

Or the Internet

My church is the raindrops

Playing a symphony outside my window

It is a sermon composed of

And delivered by

A cat of strong opinions

My church is curled up

In the arms of my love

Pondering art and music and sex

And all the other important ideas

In this vast universe

My church is fellowship

It is Facebook posts and tweets

It is reading blog posts

Written by friends

That get missed during the hectic week

My church is my salvation

It is reconnecting with friends

With myself

And with my love

My church is whispering and giggling

It is making love and snuggling

It is reflection and introspection

Contemplation and inspiration

My church is a quiet Sunday morning

When all I have to be

Is me

My 3 Words for 2014

I’ve decided to do this prior to the new year. I want to hit the ground running and I’ve been taking the entire month of December to contemplate where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to be in the future. So it seemed appropriate to do this now.

The beginning of this exercise requires that I go back and read last year’s post.  Last year’s words were Balance, Schedule, and Breathe.

Breathe became the most important one of the three and the one at which I was most successful. So important, that it became part of the title of my book, Deep Breaths & Chocolate. At the beginning of 2013 I was still having terrible panic attacks. At some point during the year, a date that came and went without me noticing the big event, I stopped having panic attacks. I used relaxation exercises, reconditioning, and lots of deep breaths. I still feel a little bit of anxiety every great once in a while; but for the most part, I seem to have recovered from this. I don’t know if that’s how I should refer to it. In some ways it feels like I kicked a bad habit; and in others it feels like I survived a terrible illness and am now healthy again. Maybe the truth is a bit of both. Honestly, I don’t think it matters. I’m just thrilled to not feel that terrible adrenaline rush right before it feels like the bottom is falling out from under me and my heart imitates the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.

Balance is something with which I think I will always struggle. My ability to hyper focus is something that actually serves me well. But I can still flit from idea to idea faster than a cheetah can run down a baby gazelle when I have many unrelated projects going at the same time. The difference now is I’m trying to work with my natural ability to hyper focus while not risk the wrath of my ADD by doing one group of related things. These things form the basis of my first word for 2014…Storyteller. I have to give credit where credit is due and fess up that I got this word from Veronica Giguere. I’ll get back to this in a minute.

My third word from 2013 was Schedule. I had mixed results with this one last year. I got a bit better at staying on top of the kids’ schedules and pushing myself to go to most school events.

I still have issues with social anxiety especially in regards to my kids’ school. I love my kids fiercely and care about everything that impacts them. Unfortunately, caring about them does not carry over to most of the other people who’s kids happen to go to the same school. It’s a private school where many (most) of the families there are, if not wealthy, definitely many rungs above me on the socio-economic ladder. The fact that our kids go to the same school is not enough of a common bond to have a conversation past a few superficial sentences. I know this is my hangup. It’s improved quite a bit over the years. But not enough to make me seek out any of the other parents. I’m sure that’s my loss. And, maybe I’ll continue to get better at this as I continue to work on understanding and improving my mental health.

When it came to balancing my various interests, I did better, but not good enough to suit me. I dyed yarn twice (the Peacock colorway and then the Balticon series). I still love doing this; but I still have the issues of space and water quality where I’m at now. I plan on continuing to do the Balticon series again next year and I’d also like to do a couple of very small batches throughout the year. In the past, I’ve done batches of 6 skeins and I think going forward maybe just a couple of skeins might make it easier to do.

I stopped carrying my knitting around with me…this was not an improvement. I spend most of my free time writing/editing/publishing/promoting so to not carry my knitting around and sneak in stitches here or there means no knitting time at all.

Getting back to scheduling…while I think I did a little better in terms of the kids, I wasn’t scheduling my free time to make sure I was setting goals and doing the projects I wanted to do. That’s started to change. So now I’m using the Magic Spreadsheet to help me focus on my words. In a sense, I’ve scheduled myself to write at least 250 words a day by virtue of this tool.  I haven’t gone so far as to schedule a specific time of day. But knowing that I just need to write 250. While a stretch for a poet who has a penchant for writing micro poems it’s still just 250. So, easy. Right?

This year, I will be scheduling many of the various projects I want to do and things I wish to accomplish so that they don’t get forgotten amid the hustle and bustle of everyday living.

So, back to the words for 2014. The first, as mentioned above, is Storyteller. I’m pushing myself to write longer poems that hopefully tell bigger, more universal stories. I am also pushing myself to write more prose…learn how to tell stories with actual paragraphs and characters and stuff. And, I will be telling more stories as a narrator as I have signed my first official contract for voice work. (Feels kinda like graduating to the grown-up table at Thanksgiving). I will be narrating the Monster Whisperer series by Nobilis Reed and am really excited to see where he takes this character. It’s sci fi erotica so NSFW or kids.

The second word is going to be Habits. I still have many bad habits I need to break myself of, and good habits that I’m learning and teaching myself (like writing every day). Each day is a new opportunity to learn more about myself and work on improving myself. I understand that I will have setbacks and habits are hard to break and hard to establish. I’m okay with not being perfect because I know each day is a new day.

My third word is Collaboration. I mentioned my book above. This was arguably my biggest achievement of 2013. I have had issues around self-confidence and self-worth. I won’t say I’ve overcome them; but I’ve come a long way. A very, very long way. Pushing myself to make this book a reality is a huge part of that. But the key to this book becoming real lies in the friends who helped me realize this dream. I would never have been able to do this without the assistance of friends who are so much more talented than me. They taught me the value and importance of collaboration. I plan to do a lot more of this next year.

So for 2014 I plan on being a Storyteller who is breaking bad Habits and creating good ones while Collaborating with some amazing artists.  Hmmm…sounds like a plan.

So here’s to a very good year that is almost over. And, here’s to a wonderful year ahead.

If you also pick up the habit of choosing 3 words for the upcoming year, drop a comment here and share your post.

Hillbilly Christmas Eve

Santa’s on his way

Break out the whiskey and beer

Target practice time

Bubba’s on the porch

Loading his favorite 12 gauge

I’ve got my rifle

Granny’s in the house

Honey Boo Boo special on

Duck Dynasty too

She’s done baked cookies

Crinkles made with bacon fat

Boy, howdy thems good

Look over yonder

Are those reindeer in the sky?

Don’t shoot yet Bubba!

Dadgummit, Bubba!

I done told ya not to shoot

Go call 9-1-1

Who flies crop dusters

Decorated like a sleigh

At night, Christmas Eve?

Never thought buck shot

Could bring down an aero plane

Damn Bubba, good shot

Here comes Sheriff Bob

Somebody pour him a drink

It’s damn cold out here

Is that bells I hear?

Why’s the coon hound wearing bells?

Get the bells off Fred

Pour me s’more whiskey

No, not that Jack Daniels crap

Real Kentucky mash

Get up on the roof

Where we’ll have a clearer shot

Just watch out for planes

The bottle’s empty

Bubba climb down to get more

No, don’t take your gun

Why is Fred whining?

Get that damn dog to be quiet

Uh oh, look who’s here

Where’s your gun Bubba?

Hurry up, hurry up, Aim!

Damn they sure fly fast!

So my nose is red

My name’s not Rudolph, Bubba

Hey, put that gun down!

Had to shoot Bubba

Dumb fuck thought I was a deer

Leaves more beer for me

I don’t know, Grandma

We didn’t get no reindeer

But I bagged Bubba

Can we make jerky?

Now I can take back his gift

Woot! Merry Christmas!

Come Home

I want to come home

To your soft lips

Meeting mine

Promises of more

In other places

Trailed down my neck

Held there

For safekeeping

I want to come home

To your strong arms

Wrapping me in an embrace

That takes my breath

Forcing me to sigh

As I breathe in the scent of you

Wrapping me like a present

You will open again later

I want to come home

To your goofy smile

And that spark in your eyes

That both appear

The instant you see me

That always make me wonder

If its me or if you’ve been up to something

When I know the answer is always yes

I want to come home

To the electricity of your personality

Your quirks and habits

Moods and needs

To be in the same room

Feeling the energy change

With each step you take

Closer to me

Most of all

I want you to come home

Back from the ends of the world

Back from heaven or hell

Or where ever you’ve been traveling

Back where you belong

So that then

I can come home again too

Year in Review

Each year I look both ways

Before I cross from one year

To the next

In years past

There was always fear involved

Looking at my bank account

Meant acknowledging my weakness

For fattening food

Fast food

And convenience

My lack of funds

And lack of prospects

Looking at my goals

And accomplishments

Meant once again

I’d failed to live up to

My potential

My expectations

My hopes

Desires

Goals

Dreams

Those things I’d hoped to be

Things I wish I’d done

Fear that I was not capable

Fear of movement

Fear of failure

Fear of success

How awful to be afraid

Of trying

Because you either

Might fail

Or worse yet, might succeed.

I became afraid of my own shadow

Everything was an insurmountable wall

And when I had wedged myself into a corner

And the only avenue out was change

I finally had no choice

Each year I took new steps

Tentative baby steps at first

So the strides I made

Were few

Each year new challenges

New fears

New accomplishments

And even as I moved forward

I would still have moments

Where I slipped back

Into old habits

Let old fears scare me again

Until somewhere along the way

I stopped being afraid

And now for the first time

I can clearly see

The fears I conquered this past year

But don’t see any up ahead

What a marvelous feeling this is!

I’m sure in the future

I will discover things

That cause me to hesitate

But I doubt I will ever react

Or overreact

To life quite the same way again

Puzzle Pieces

We are each a piece

Of the larger whole

Puzzle pieces

Struggling to discover

Where we fit in

Our edges so convoluted

That finding each person

Who fits into our life

Making those connections

Is a lifetime endeavor

Sometimes you find

A person you think

Is the perfect fit to you

Only to discover

On closer inspection

That they were never right

In that place

And it isn’t until you realize this

And remove them from the place

They had occupied in error

That you can finally find

The person meant to be there

All along

First Snow

The snow falls softly

2 am is always the perfect time

For the first serious snow

Of the season

Not the flurries that tease and taunt

Not the single snowflake

Swirling through the air

Never touching down

Escaped from the cloud

Determined to stay aloft

Not be caught

As only one fleeing persecution

Can run

Certainly not the snowfall

That simply coats the ground

Thumbing its nose

At hearts big and small

Saying prayers to any deity

That might grant their wish

For a much longed for delay

And the chance to make

Snow angels again

Not the tired snowfall

Of mid February

When the sky competes with the gutter

For dreariest slush color

But that magical first big snow

When a hush falls along with

Gossamer crystals

Delicate

Intricate

Ice sculptures

In miniature

A silence so absolute

You can hear each flake fall

Each landing cushioned

As they accumulate

Otherworldly fast

Such tiny creations

How many could there possibly be?

Silently floating

In this snow globe

That only I inhabit

To walk out

Into this wonderland

Listening

For the spell to break

Outstretched hand

Landing pad for ephemeral beauty

Observing the life span

Of something never alive

Even as you swear it shudders

The last instant before

It mimics the lone tear

On your cheek

And slides off your hand

Undone by your warmth

I stand here alone

Feeling less alone than ever before

Surrounded by a million souls

Infinite beauty

Silently cascading down

To stand beside me

There are few things as satisfying

As standing alone

In that first snow

It’s one of the few things

That makes me ponder

The existence of a mythical god

And once this snow has occurred

I feel a weight lift

And a feeling of peace

Settles over me

Just as the snow blankets the ground

The world beneath my feet

Is soft

It and I take a last long breath

Sighing as it drifts

Off to sleep

Cocooned in a thick blanket

Crystalline Eider down

Tucked under the chin

My dreams turn to Spring

Sue