Nancy Davis Kho's Blog, page 5
March 9, 2020
When Negative Recall Bias Starts to Win
One of the scientific principles I talk about a lot in my book The Thank-You Project is “Negative Recall Bias,” or the tendency to notice and dwell on negative things. Turns out that writing gratitude letters is an incredibly effective means of creating “Positive Recall Bias” that will drown out all those negative thoughts.
I don’t know about you, but my Negative Recall Bias is kicking my BUTT this week. Like, she’s found a bottle of high grade steroids and is injecting it straight into her veins, followed with a chaser of raw eggs.
My husband and I were totally off the grid for the last week of February, trekking in Patagonia, and as we departed civilization there was a little murmur that the virus now known as COVID-19 was picking up outside of China. We come back to cell service as of March 1st and the Zombie Apocalypse had descended: widespread outbreaks in Italy, Iran, South Korea. Store shelves bare of water and toilet paper in the Bay Area (but why tho? Will our water be turned off? Is there a gastric component of this illness that no one is talking about?) The US government office designed to fight pandemics was dissolved in 2018, and I never missed anything that I never knew existed so much in my life.
It was enough to make me want to go back into the Patagonian wilderness even if my knees, having hiked 60 miles in 5 days, were on strike and informed me that they’d stay back until Chile installs escalators up and down its mountains, thank you very much.
So like probably every one of you reading this, I’m trying to deal with the reality I have. And that reality feels scary. Hell, the Grand Princess is about to dock 4.2 miles away from my desk at the Port of Oakland, with its passengers who have been stuck in an unforgivable limbo while COVID-19 slides around the decks, the worst cruise souvenir EVER.
I’m washing my hands like Lady Macbeth and have been informed by all three members of my immediate family that they need a moratorium on my “did you wash your hands?” line of questioning or they’re going to stop doing it. I’m obsessively tracking the spread in New York, where my elderly mom lives, and Florida, where my mother-in-law currently is. I’m just as obsessively hitting “refresh” on the college websites of my kids’ schools to see if there’s news to impact them. And yes, I bought a lot of toilet paper though I still don’t understand why I did that.
But in my better moments, I take a step back and try to name what’s happening in my head and I know what it is: Negative Recall Bias. She doesn’t care that I work from home and run low risk of contracting the virus, that my husband and kids are healthy and don’t carry the risk factors to suffer its worst impacts even if any of them did, that while the situation is serious, for the vast majority of us it isn’t critical. It’s scary because it’s new. Negative Recall Bias loves that. She thrives in the disinformation and the rumors and the sheer volume of bad news. It’s exactly what makes her stronger.
And that’s when I remember that I know one really good way to shut her the hell up. Write a thank-you letter.
Try it. Pick someone you’re grateful to today and write down the reasons why you are. Maybe today would be a good day to write to a doctor or nurse or other health professional who has cared for you in your life. They’re doubtlessly feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated right about now, and there’s research that shows how much an expression of a patient’s gratitude can ameliorate that stress.
But you can write to anyone. Taking the time to think about all the ways they have helped, shaped, or inspired you starts to fire up those brain pathways like neon signs pointing toward Positive Recall Bias, which is a much happier place to live. It helps you keep perspective. It reminds you that you are not alone when you face scary things. (If you want to read my book that gives you load of tips about how to start and who to write to, but you don’t want to go out right now? You can download or listen immediately – see links below.)
As for me, I’m planning to write to a childhood friend of mine who has been on my list for ages – we share memories of some younger, more carefree days that will feel like a balm right about now. I am bumping up that thank-you letter to the top of today’s to-do list.
Of course, it’s been a rough few weeks. You may need to write more than one letter to start feeling better. Negative Recall Bias had a head start. But if you write a letter (or more), check in and let me know who you wrote to, and how it made you feel.
We’re gonna get through this together. And then we’ll tackle Chilean escalators.
Here’s my favorite picture of a peaceful landscape in Torres Del Paine, Chile, from the trip. Feel free to make it your screensaver for when you are feeling stressed. Just don’t show it to my knees.
And a Finn Brothers song I listened to yesterday to remind me not to give in to all of this mishegoss. Also, ironically, much of this video could serve as a PSA of how to do “social distancing” properly.
Book Updates
Event postponed: My March 12 reading event in Oakland on behalf of Friends of Oakland Public School Libraries has been postponed for now. We’ll get a new date and communicate that as soon as is practical. All other readings/events still on for now – check the Events and Appearances tab at DavisKho.com for more info!
Virtual Book Clubs: Interested in having me Skype into a book club meeting to talk about The Thank-You Project and give members tips on how to organize their own gratitude-letter-writing practice? I have a few of those on the calendar already…Email me dj@midlifemixtape.com if so and let’s talk scheduling!
Reviews: Spending more time at home than usual? Here’s a fun activity: if you’ve read The Thank-You Project, please consider sharing your thoughts about it at Amazon, Goodreads, Barnes and Noble or wherever…doesn’t matter where you bought it. The more reviews the book has, the likelier it is to show up in someone’s feed as a recommended read. I’m really grateful for your helping making this little blue book stay relevant!
Available in bookstores and online now!
Audiobook available from Audible | Libro.fm | Google Play Store | Audiobooksnow.com | Kobo |and more!
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CommentsThanks, Nancy. Ahead of you all by five weeks here in HK and ... by Alison MayOk, yes, but. (Butt.) Don't you have friends who would pick ... by Nancy Davis KhoI was also puzzled by the toilet paper hoarding but when I ... by EllenRelated StoriesOf Book Babies and GratitudeEarly Peek at The Thank-You ProjectFeeling 100 Grand
February 20, 2020
Feeling 100 Grand
You guys.
As of this week, the Midlife Mixtape Podcast has been downloaded more than 100,000 times. That is cuh-razee.
Hard to believe this little project that I took on in 2017 as a means of broadening the conversation about what midlife feels like to GenXers is now in the 6-digit-download zone. That’s still small potatoes compared to the Serials and the Pod Save Americas and even the multiple Dolly Parton podcasts, but hey, if GenXers in midlife don’t know how to live in the small potato zone and thrive anyway, I don’t know who does. And the best part is that the audience is growing and growing, with each new episode getting more downloads than the last.
I just wanted to share the news with you and thank you for listening, thank you for sharing, thank you for reviewing the show wherever you listen. I love the chance to talk with interesting people “in the years between being hip and breaking one” about what they’ve learned.
Have GenXers or icons of GenX you’d like to hear from? Leave suggestions in the comment section below! Now that the initial rush of book promo stuff is settling down, I’ll be getting back to my regular every-other-week podcast schedule soon. (Hell, I may even get back to blogging again. A gal can dream!)
Until then…
Here you come again…to download another podcast episode. And I thank you for that!
The post Feeling 100 Grand appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .
Related StoriesWho Helped You Become The Person You Are Today?Happy Holidays from Midlife MixtapeOf Book Babies and Gratitude
February 18, 2020
Ep 70 Beauty and Style Editor Kim France
“You can always make a change”: founding editor of Lucky Magazine Kim France on why we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for caring about appearance as we age, using invisibility as a superpower, and memories of SP4 on Texas summer days.
Girls of a Certain Age blog – sign up to subscribe
Everything is Fine Podcast
Headcount.org – sign up to register voters at concerts!
The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time – Nancy’s new book!
Love Will Keep Us Together…from an era when music videos were, um…yeah you just have to watch it
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
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January 14, 2020
Ep 69 “Why We Can’t Sleep” Author Ada Calhoun
“Not just you”: Ada Calhoun, author of “Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis”, unpacks reasons for GenX’s specific midlife challenges and offers ways to cope, from joining clubs to embracing the magic power of low expectations.
Ada Calhoun’s website
Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis
Midlife Mixtape Ep 19 “Maxed Out” author Katrina Alcorn
Midlife Mixtape Ep 37 Journalist Barbara Bradley Hagerty
Midlife Mixtape Ep 46 “Happiness Curve” author Jonathan Rauch
Baroness von Sketch Show: Perimenopause (FB video)
I dare you to look me in the eye when I’m experiencing perimeno-rage
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December 23, 2019
Happy Holidays from Midlife Mixtape
Maybe it’s because my church did a Blue Christmas service yesterday, during which we made space for the feelings of grief, loss, and worry that ride along with some of us during the “EVERYBODY MANIACALLY HAPPY HO HO HO” holidays. Maybe it’s because, without Nutcracker-rama for the first time since 2008, we finally made it out to a friend’s Winter Solstice party where the now-grown kids continued their tradition of lighting a breathtaking mess of firecrackers to ward off darkness during the longest night of the year.
Maybe it’s that at the same time I’m thrilled to have both girls home again for the first time since August, half of my attention is 3,000 miles away on my now-86-year-old mom and what my siblings and I have come to characterize as “all the air going out of her balloon.” Or possibly because the elation of having a book that I’m proud of finally out in the world comes with the flipside discomfort of feeling like I’m bothering people with self-promotion, of begging for reviews, of scrabbling for coverage and interviews to spread the word so this debut author can someday sell another book.
Or maybe because next year, we have another presidential election, and I’m still not recovered from the last one.
Any/all of these things may be why I’m searching hard for things that are good right now, taking the lessons I learned from writing The Thank-You Project and working out that muscle called “positive recall bias” – that is, getting better at noticing positive things by… noticing positive things. Here’s what I have, today.
People digging into the hard work of protecting our democracy, with a sense of fun and joy. I just got an email from HeadCount.org, whose founder was a past podcast guest, saying that they registered over 33k new voters on Ariana Grande’s tour alone. Get on their mailing list – registering voters at a concert that you then attend for free is the most chill way to save democracy I know of. Unless it’s Waking Giants, founded by another podcast guest, which has the funniest/most real subscription Survival Kits for your Fox/CNN blended family (the holiday kit includes a Keanu Reeves Prayer Candle and Hand Wringing Cream.) We all know how important it is that we hold together in the coming year and we’re not going to do it by losing our sense of humor.
A year full of great music, and more to look forward to. Because of the book schedule I didn’t hit my customary number of shows in 2019 and I couldn’t review all the ones I attended, but there were some epic nights: Lord Huron and Khalid, plus did I tell you about the Jamestown Revival meet n’ greet at Amoeba Records where there were maybe 25 people in the audience on the day of their sold-out San Francisco show? That was memorable. And hurray! I’m back to stockpiling tickets for 2020. What about you?
So many great books, and more to look forward to. My favorites that I read this were “Where the Crawdads Sing” by Delia Owens, “Dear Girls” by Ali Wong, “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell, and “Circe” by Madeline Miller. I’ve pre-ordered past guest Eric Thomas’ “Here for It” that comes out in February; I already know that’s going on my Best of 2020 list. What about you?
Youse guys. Some of you I know IRL; most of you I don’t. But it doesn’t always feel like there’s a distinction. Your enthusiastic response to blog posts and podcast episodes fuels my creative energy and challenges me to do better. I am sincerely grateful for every one of you who reads or listens to my work. These are posts and episodes that you guys seemed to particularly like in the past twelve months.
Blog posts
Dining Room Desolation
Concert Review: Billy Idol and Steve Stevens
Has Anyone Seen These Kids?
The Great Garbage Can Debacle of 2019
Podcast episodes
Ep 56 – Midlife Mixtape LIVE at Betabrand
Ep 64 – Comedian Zahra Noorbakhsh
Ep 59 – Listeners Say “Bring It Back!”
Ep 62 – Modern Elder Academy Founder Chip Conley
I hope that, whatever darkness may be present in your life or the lives of people you love right now, you can look around and find a breathtaking mess of reasons to hold hope for the future. I’d love to read yours in the comments!
Wishing you all the best for the holidays!
***
Thanks to everyone who has bought and read The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time, and spread the word to friends and family, left reviews on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, Goodreads, or just let me know what you thought of the book. (Just heard from my brother’s college roommate who particularly enjoyed the story of how I locked my brother in the basement for no reason one day.) And when it comes to last minute gift-giving, this was a cute idea I saw on Instagram btw…
View this post on Instagram
December 17, 2019
Concert Review: Kate Davis
The Band: Kate Davis, Dec 8 2019 A solo acoustic show by this classically-trained bassist turned indie rocker in support of her recently released debut album, “Trophy.” The same album that NPR Music last week named as one of the best rock albums of 2019, and about which Pitchfork wrote, “A former jazz prodigy emerges with a clever and heartfelt indie rock debut that pays winking tribute to adolescence in all its agonies and small glories.”
Also, yes, fine, she’s the daughter of my cousin. But I swear this is an independent review, and I will not share the sidebar that she and I had on her grandpa/my uncle, a harp I inherited from her great-grandma that I want her to have, or the upcoming nuptial planning of one of her sisters. IT’S ALL OBECTIVE MUSIC OPINION HERE ON MIDLIFE MIXTAPE.
For a little bit of context of the evolution of her sound, here’s an old vid of Kate back in the day she was winning renown as a jazz bassist.
The Venue: Hotel Utah. This is a tiny venue in San Francisco where so many cool artists play their earliest shows; I’ve watched bands like The Accidentals start there and bridge to ever-larger venues on their return trips. Bonus is that this time we realized we could order food in the bar and bring it into the venue with us, so we got to eat french fries during the show. Keep an eye on the Hotel Utah calendar because you never know which performer’s rocket ship ride you might climb on when you can still sit 4 feet from the stage.
The Company: Honestly, I assumed I would go alone and I wasn’t sure how I was even going to stay awake for the show. After a full week of out-of-town visitors and book-launch related activities including a big party, dancing at the Cat Club*, cardio hip hopping, and more, I had been asking a LOT of my people and was feeling pretty burnt out myself.
And yet! I made it and my husband, my friend Dawn, and my daughter’s BFF Quin all came along for the ride. Why? BECAUSE THE SHOW STARTED AT 7. Please, San Francisco, take note. When the headliners can do a full show and yet we can still be back home in bed by 9:30 at the latest, everyone wants to come out. No more “Doors Open at 9,” I beg of you.
The Crowd: Small but devoted, and now I’m going to spend the rest of this section telling you about my two favorite audience members: the six-year-old twins who sat next to us with their mom and dad.
They knew EVERY word to EVERY Kate Davis song, and sang along except for the swear words (there are a few), during which they clammed up for a beat. Here’s how it worked for my favorite song on the album, “Daisy.”
I’ve been throwing off, I’ve been throwing off
I’ve been throwing off lately
But I keep silence up, I keep silence up, I keep silence up Daisy
They had her entire song catalog committed to memory and were here for everything she was singing. Afterward the little boy approached Kate, who sat down so she could be eye level when she talked to him; they talked about taking violin classes and she encouraged him to study classical music.
Then, because I am a podcaster with a signature opening question but whose podcast is on ice during book launch activities, I asked him, “Is this your first concert? You can always tell everyone your first concert was Kate Davis, how cool!” The child turned to me, deadpan, and said, “No, it’s my second. I went to another concert and I stayed up until ten thirty.” I never did find out who the performer was, but I guess he wasn’t as impressed by early start and end time for Kate as this exhausted woman was.
Worth Hiring the Sitter?
Well, evidently 6-year-olds go to concerts now so just bring them. But also, your sitter probably already knows Kate Davis, or you should tell them about her if they don’t. So many of her beautifully written, memorable songs dig into the exquisite pain of being a “Dirty Teenager”, or come from the perspective of a 17-year-old whose plan for falling in love may not pan out quite as expected.
All those years spent studying classical music have given Kate musical chops for dayz, of course, but it’s her songwriting that makes Kate stand out. Her hooks are catchy and the lyrics are memorable, and if I ever stop humming “Animals” to myself it will be a sad day. Other performers have taken note; in a recent episode of the really cool podcast Song Exploder, Sharon Van Etten relayed how Kate’s songwriting contribution helped make her song “Seventeen” a hit. If you’re into Van Etten, Soccer Mommy, or Phoebe Bridgers, you’re familiar with the general wheelhouse.
Next time Kate stops through SF or wherever you live, I’m sure it’ll be at a bigger venue, and with a full band behind her. (Word on the street is that there may be an April 2020 date back in the Bay….) I would even stay up until ten thirty to see her.
***
Thanks for all the book love this month! So fun to see the pics of The Thank-You Project reaching mailboxes all over the world. Here it is in France courtesy of my sweet friend Shira…If you post yours on social media, tag @midlifemixtape so I can thank you!
Did you order multiple copies of The Thank-You Project for holiday gift-giving? Email me your proof of purchase of 5 or more copies to info@daviskho.com and I’ll personalize and send you bookplates to stick into the front! Makes a great gift for your officemates…maybe they’ll all be more grateful after they read it?
Did you read the book yet? If you want to help The Thank-You Project reach a larger audience, please consider leaving a review at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books-A-Million, Goodreads, or just tell your friends if you liked it!
* Did you miss my Cat Club guest DJ set on December 5? Here’s the setlist on Spotify! I will say that the Heaven 17 back-to-back with Simple Minds was a gamechanger on the dance floor.
December 3, 2019
Ep 68 Author/Podcaster Nancy Davis Kho
“It gets easier to find things to be grateful for”: The tables are turned as “A Word on Words” host and author Mary Laura Philpott interviews Midlife Mixtape Podcast host and author Nancy Davis Kho about her new book, The Thank-You Project.
Buy Nancy’s book, The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time
Nancy’s upcoming events and appearances
Mary Laura Philpott’s website and her book, I Miss You When I Blink
Episode 52 Author Mary Laura Philpott
Lyrics Born uses the same audio recording studio as me, what what? If you ever have a chance to see him perform live, DO IT – funkiest show ever.
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
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November 27, 2019
Of Book Babies and Gratitude
Next Tuesday, December 3 is the big day…I’m getting ready to birth a book baby. I’ve packed a tiny bag with pens, breath mints, and a birthing plan that will probably go out the window as soon as the whole thing kicks into gear. “I KNOW I SAID I WANTED TO HEAR BEASTIE BOYS BUT I’VE CHANGED MY MIND AIIIEEEEEEEE”
My book, The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time, is all about the power of gratitude letters, and I’ve been so happy to see early reviews like this.
https://midlifemixtape.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Advance-praise-for-The-Thank-You-Project-from-readers-like-you.mp4
If you like the sounds of The Thank-You Project, I’d be grateful if you’d help me get the word out in the coming months! Here are some of the best ways to do that – for me or for any author you’d like to support as they release new books. It’s lean times across the board for the publishing industry, so you might be surprised at how few resources they are able to devote to marketing, and how clever/annoying/needy we writers have to become as a consequence.
November 19, 2019
Ep 67 Listeners’ Thank-You Stories
“Everything that held our family together”: In this special Thanksgiving episode, Midlife Mixtape listeners share thanks for the people who made them who they are today, from grandparents to spouses to best friends to a singing teenage TV detective.
Sibling Revelry Project
My Celebrity Crush Story
Rocked white satin pants, solved crimes. You got a problem with that?
Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!
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CommentsOh Imma be tagging him on Twitter later, you can bet on it. ... by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape)Oh yes, more bare chested Shaun Cassidy please! I loved this ... by Kristin NilsenRelated StoriesEarly Peek at The Thank-You ProjectEp 66 Long Term Care Expert Lisa CiniWho Helped You Become The Person You Are Today?
November 14, 2019
Early Peek at The Thank-You Project
Ok, it’s less than three weeks from the pub date for The Thank-You Project and I’m wondering if I am the only one waking up at 5 am each morning saying, “OMG there are thirty-seven more things I need to do about the book!” Yes? Just me? No wonder you all look better rested than I do.
Anyway, I’ll keep this brief. But make sure you read all the way to the end for something special…
The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time (Running Press) is about a year I spent writing gratitude letters to people who had helped, shaped, or inspired me to that point in my life. It was a profoundly effective exercise in feeling connected, fostering forgiveness, and creating a habit of thankfulness that follows me to today. My hope for readers is that they will be both entertained and motivated to undertake their own gratitude projects. It comes out in bookstores and via online retailers on Tuesday, December 3.
Publishers Weekly said, “Sweet and wise, this hopeful book will inspire readers to honor those who have made a difference in their lives.”
Here are The Thank-You Project facts:
The book is available now for pre-order wherever you buy your books – in local bookstores, on Amazon, on Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, etc. There will also be an audio version of the book available in early January, with me as your friendly narrator.
Each chapter of the book has a playlist included, and I put them all on Spotify. I’m releasing a new playlist each week leading up to December 3 on Spotify @daviskho. (You’ll also find all my Cat Club 80’s Alternative DJ sets there!)
There is a launch party! You are invited!
December 3, 2019 Oakland, CA St. John’s Episcopal Church, 7 pm – 8:30 pm Open to all – come help us celebrate the book birth day! Co-hosted by A Great Good Place for Books who will be selling books at the event…More details here!
Readings: mostly in the Bay Area for now but hopefully in more cities early next year. Here’s what’s on deck so far:
November 30, 2019 San Francisco, CA Special Early Release event at Book Passage’s Small Business Saturday celebration in the SF Ferry Building. Time TBAnnounced
December 5, 2019 San Francisco, CA ’80s Dance Party at the Cat Club. I will be DJ’ing your favorite ’80s alternative dance hits from 10-11 pm – bring your book if you’d like me to sign it before or after! Makes a great present for the holidays…
December 7, 2019 Oakland, CA Nathan & Co, 2-4 pm. Book signing – Piedmont Ave location, 4025 Piedmont Avenue, Oakland, CA.
January 16, 2020 Corte Madera, CA Book Passage, 7 pm Reading and signing
January 21, 2020 Los Angeles, CA Private event – please see HappyWomenDinners.com for more information about how to sign up
January 23, 2020 Mill Valley, CA Private event – details TB Announced
February 13, 2020 Berkeley, CA Books, Inc. 7 pm Reading and signing
March 19, 2020 Lafayette, CA Sweet Thursday at the Lafayette Library, 7 pm Reading and signing
Finally, here’s the special treat for Midlife Mixtape readers:
An excerpt from the introduction to The Thank-You Project
Can’t wait to hear what you think!
Thank you for being my friends…also, fun fact! Matt the Electrician is married to Midlife Mixtape Podcast Ep 24 guest, Chainstitch Wrangler Kathie Sever!
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