When Negative Recall Bias Starts to Win

One of the scientific principles I talk about a lot in my book The Thank-You Project is “Negative Recall Bias,” or the tendency to notice and dwell on negative things. Turns out that writing gratitude letters is an incredibly effective means of creating “Positive Recall Bias” that will drown out all those negative thoughts.

I don’t know about you, but my Negative Recall Bias is kicking my BUTT this week. Like, she’s found a bottle of high grade steroids and is injecting it straight into her veins, followed with a chaser of raw eggs.

My husband and I were totally off the grid for the last week of February, trekking in Patagonia, and as we departed civilization there was a little murmur that the virus now known as COVID-19 was picking up outside of China. We come back to cell service as of March 1st and the Zombie Apocalypse had descended: widespread outbreaks in Italy, Iran, South Korea. Store shelves bare of water and toilet paper in the Bay Area (but why tho? Will our water be turned off? Is there a gastric component of this illness that no one is talking about?) The US government office designed to fight pandemics was dissolved in 2018, and I never missed anything that I never knew existed so much in my life.

It was enough to make me want to go back into the Patagonian wilderness even if my knees, having hiked 60 miles in 5 days, were on strike and informed me that they’d stay back until Chile installs escalators up and down its mountains, thank you very much.

So like probably every one of you reading this, I’m trying to deal with the reality I have. And that reality feels scary. Hell, the Grand Princess is about to dock 4.2 miles away from my desk at the Port of Oakland, with its passengers who have been stuck in an unforgivable limbo while COVID-19 slides around the decks, the worst cruise souvenir EVER.

I’m washing my hands like Lady Macbeth and have been informed by all three members of my immediate family that they need a moratorium on my “did you wash your hands?” line of questioning or they’re going to stop doing it. I’m obsessively tracking the spread in New York, where my elderly mom lives, and Florida, where my mother-in-law currently is. I’m just as obsessively hitting “refresh” on the college websites of my kids’ schools to see if there’s news to impact them. And yes, I bought a lot of toilet paper though I still don’t understand why I did that.

But in my better moments, I take a step back and try to name what’s happening in my head and I know what it is: Negative Recall Bias. She doesn’t care that I work from home and run low risk of contracting the virus, that my husband and kids are healthy and don’t carry the risk factors to suffer its worst impacts even if any of them did, that while the situation is serious, for the vast majority of us it isn’t critical. It’s scary because it’s new. Negative Recall Bias loves that. She thrives in the disinformation and the rumors and the sheer volume of bad news. It’s exactly what makes her stronger.

And that’s when I remember that I know one really good way to shut her the hell up. Write a thank-you letter.

Try it. Pick someone you’re grateful to today and write down the reasons why you are. Maybe today would be a good day to write to a doctor or nurse or other health professional who has cared for you in your life. They’re doubtlessly feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated right about now, and there’s research that shows how much an expression of a patient’s gratitude can ameliorate that stress.

But you can write to anyone. Taking the time to think about all the ways they have helped, shaped, or inspired you starts to fire up those brain pathways like neon signs pointing toward Positive Recall Bias, which is a much happier place to live. It helps you keep perspective. It reminds you that you are not alone when you face scary things. (If you want to read my book that gives you load of tips about how to start and who to write to, but you don’t want to go out right now? You can download or listen immediately – see links below.)

As for me, I’m planning to write to a childhood friend of mine who has been on my list for ages – we share memories of some younger, more carefree days that will feel like a balm right about now. I am bumping up that thank-you letter to the top of today’s to-do list.

Of course, it’s been a rough few weeks. You may need to write more than one letter to start feeling better. Negative Recall Bias had a head start. But if you write a letter (or more), check in and let me know who you wrote to, and how it made you feel.

We’re gonna get through this together. And then we’ll tackle Chilean escalators.

Here’s my favorite picture of a peaceful landscape in Torres Del Paine, Chile, from the trip. Feel free to make it your screensaver for when you are feeling stressed. Just don’t show it to my knees.

And a Finn Brothers song I listened to yesterday to remind me not to give in to all of this mishegoss. Also, ironically, much of this video could serve as a PSA of how to do “social distancing” properly.

Book Updates

Event postponed: My March 12 reading event in Oakland on behalf of Friends of Oakland Public School Libraries has been postponed for now. We’ll get a new date and communicate that as soon as is practical. All other readings/events still on for now – check the Events and Appearances tab at DavisKho.com for more info!

Virtual Book Clubs: Interested in having me Skype into a book club meeting to talk about The Thank-You Project and give members tips on how to organize their own gratitude-letter-writing practice? I have a few of those on the calendar already…Email me dj@midlifemixtape.com if so and let’s talk scheduling!

Reviews: Spending more time at home than usual? Here’s a fun activity: if you’ve read The Thank-You Project, please consider sharing your thoughts about it at Amazon, Goodreads, Barnes and Noble or wherever…doesn’t matter where you bought it. The more reviews the book has, the likelier it is to show up in someone’s feed as a recommended read. I’m really grateful for your helping making this little blue book stay relevant!