Matthew Kadish's Blog: Matthew Kadish's Evil Hive Mind Blog, page 12

Earthman Jack Hits #1 On Amazon’s Bestseller List!

Holy shnikes Batman!

It’s official.  I’m a best-selling author.  Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet is an Amazon Best-Seller.  Are you ready for the craziness?

 

Yes, if you look at that screenshot, you can not only see that EJvTGP is #1 on Amazon’s Superhero Fantasy eBooks on the Kindle Store, but it’s ALSO beating out a book by my all-time favorite author George RR Martin!  That is a total mind blower!

Jack is also on two other bestseller lists on Amazon.  It’s #48 on the general fiction Science Fiction Adventure list in the Kindle store, and is #76 in Science Fiction Adventure in the books (non-kindle) category, which is pretty impressive considering it’s only abailable in ebook form at the moment.

This is also with ZERO promotion on my part.  I have literally done nothing to pimp out this book other than publishing it to Amazon at the beginning of the month.  I’ve already hot 600 book sales as of today, which is TOTALLY AWESOME.  I’m really hoping that once those 600 book purchasers start reading the book they’ll create word-of-mouth and get others to check it out!  It’s really encouraging, as so far almost all the reviews have been 5 star for Jack and crew.

I am over-the-moon right now.  I nearly fell out of my seat when I saw how many copies I’d sold.  Now, to see that I’ve become a #1 bestseller on Amazon, I think I nearly fainted!  I never honestly thought something like this would happen, but now that it has, I’m ecstatic.

Wow.  Just… wow.

Hail To The King (And Maxwell) – S1Ep1&2

Ex-Secret Service, At Your Service.

I was a big fan of The Closer, and am a big fan of Closer Jr. (aka Major Crimes) on TNT.  With very few exceptions, I really love all the original series TNT is putting out there for their counter-programming summer lineup.  Major Crimes basically picks up where the Closer left off (it’s essentially the same exact show), Perception is interesting (if not a bit pretentious), Leverage was fun (but extremely goofy), and Monday Mornings was… well, let’s just say there’s a reason why everyone hates Mondays.  So when I saw ads for the new series King & Maxwell, I was interested, but still skeptical if I would like the show or not, despite TNT’s decent track record.

King & Maxwell takes a page (no pun intended) from the other TNT buddy crime-solver drama Rizzoli & Isles and is based on a series of books by author David Baldacci about two former Secret Service agents who team up together to be private investigators and solve crimes.  Unlike Rizzoli & Isles who spend all their time in Boston and Major Crimes which is all about LA, King and Maxwell have their stomping grounds in Washington D.C. and its surrounding areas, so there’s a lot of government-centered crime and intrigue for them to get durty with.  Being the literary philistine I am, I had no idea these books existed and thus never bothered reading them before watching the show, so I can’t compare what I’ve seen to the books.  For all I know, in the books, Maxwell is some fat, balding dude instead of one of the most gorgeous chicks on the planet, so I can’t really nerdfanrage over anything that might not be a good adaptation in the series.

I was convinced I was going to hate this show from the opening sequence of the pilot episode.  We start off with Maxwell (played by the gorgeous Rebecca Romijn (no longer Stamos)) in a car chase with a bus driven by a man in a Beaver costume as it tears through the streets of Washington D.C. to the dulcet tunes of the Black Keys “How Ya Like Me Now?”  Through the magic of plot, the bus’s tires are blown out and it flips over, and the guy in the oversized Beaver suit finally (FINALLY) takes his stupid beaver head off so he can run away from Maxwell (apparently he drives better with his Beaver mask on?  Though, from all the cars he ran over, that may not be the case).  Maxwell gets all Action Janet on him and chases him down until the dude pulls a gun on her.  Suddenly, Beaver boy gets a phone call from King who fakes him out into giving himself up by pretending his pocket laser-pointer is a laser scope on a rifle.  Turns out the Beaver guy had incriminating photos of a Senator’s wife who is into the “Furry Fetish” (people who like to have sex while dressed up in plush animal costumes) who planned on blackmailing the Senator with the pictures.

So aside from the fact that the opening sequence to the pilot was a hackneyed mess with a stretchable premise, once King and Maxwell finally get together on screen things start really jelling.  Jon Tenney, who I best know as Brenda’s put-upon FBI husband Fritz from The Closer, plays Sean King, a former Secret Service agent turned drunk turned lawyer turned Private Investigator.  (I know, I know, bear with me here.)  King is an affable loser who doesn’t like to shave (apparently) or carry a gun, but the dude comes through when it counts.  I was a bit worried that Tenney’s charm from The Closer wasn’t going to translate to leading man status, but I’m happy to say I was wrong, his portrayal of Sean King is awesome and I immediately liked the dude and got on-board with him carrying his own TV show.  Though he out-acts Rebecca Romijn every chance he gets, she’s infinitely better to look at, so each one brings their own strengths to this party.

We quickly learn that King allowed for a target he was protecting as a Secret Service agent to get assassinated, which led to him being kicked out of the agency and spiraling into a drinking problem (ah, drinking problem, the tortured lawman’s easiest characterization trait!).  Apparently King is a crappy drunk because he winds up in some trouble but is saved by a good-hearted lawyer who helps him get cleaned up and inspires him to become a bar-certified attorney in the state of Virginia, which eventually leads him to becoming a private dick (um… somehow).  Maxwell is in a similar situation, where she allowed one of her targets to get kidnapped right from under her nose, and is dismissed from Secret Service duty for her incompetence.  It’s unclear what her self-destructive characterization trait is as of yet, or how she partnered up with King, but I’m sure this is all stuff we’ll find out eventually.  Needless to say, Maxwell is the muscle while King is the charm, and they both bring a good amount of brains to the equation.

The first episode centers around the death of King’s lawyer friend, who was doing a pro-bono case defending an accused serial killer named Edgar Roy, a huge, scary, mountain of a man who also happens to be a high-functioning autistic with 100% memory recall.  Because he’s supposedly a serial killer, the FBI gets involved in his lawyer’s death, and soon King & Maxwell are at odds with the feds.

Once we get into the crime-solving proper, we actually get to see a lot of intelligent storytelling on display here.  The fact that King & Maxwell are not cops or with a federal agency means they are limited in resources for their crime-solving efforts, which makes for an interesting twist on a crime drama.  So they rely on their wits and street smarts to find out what they need to know without getting killed or thrown in jail for doing so.  And though I have a tough time buying Rebecca Romijn as a believable tough chick (I’m constantly afraid she’s going to break a nail in the fight scenes), both characters bring unique skills and personality to the table.

One of the things I really liked about the show is that even though King and Maxwell are platonic partners who respect each other, the fact that Maxwell is essentially played by a supermodel is not ignored.  We get hints that King would totally throw one into Maxwell if she gave him the opportunity, but she never will, so he doesn’t pursue it.  It’s these little bits of reality which make the show actually stand out from a dumb cable crime drama.  Stupid scenes are actually EXPLAINED in this show, as opposed to just done for the hell of it.  For instance, in the pilot, Maxwell takes a shower at the office with the door open, so King gets glimpses of her totes amazeballs body (along with the audience).  The entire time I’m watching this scene, I’m thinking “Thank you, show.  But why the heck is she showering with the door open?”  And as if on cue, King asks that EXACT SAME QUESTION.  And Maxwell responds “There’s too much steam and it fogs up the mirror,” which I TOTALLY understand because we all hate it when that happens.  So even though we got gratuitous Romijn semi-nude shots, the show actually bothered to justify why we got them, which is amazing if you think about it.  Therefore, no matter what questions may arise about the logic in a King & Maxwell episode, the writers are smart enough to actually give the reasoning and answers to them, which I really appreciated.

Okay, so back to the episode.  King and Maxwell quickly start digging into the lawyer’s death and find out that the serial killer business is actually connected to some big government cover-up concerning national security and shady government contractors.  While this might seem silly at first, it’s set up in a totally believable way.  Eventually, they discover…

Spoiler Inside
Show</>


Edgar Roy is not a serial killer.  He’s a super genius who the NSA has been using to monitor satellite feeds for intelligence purposes.  A rival contractor frames Roy for murder so he can swoop in and outbid his competition who is useless without Roy’s super-memory.  King and Maxwell expose this and clear Edgar Roy’s name, while making a new friend with him.

Episode two now shifts focus from King’s past to Maxwell’s, as a Georgian politician Maxwell butted heads with while on Secret Service duty is the victim of a failed assassination attempt and the FBI thinks Maxwell has something to do with it because she has an axe to grind.

Spoiler Inside
Show</>


Edgar Roy comes back and is hired by King and Maxwell to be their resident office genius who can help them do, well, pretty much anything because Edgar Roy is one of the most awesome characters ever invented for TV.  Seriously, this guy is like one of my favorite characters on TV now.  If they were to do a spin off series with him and Johnny Lee Miller’s Sherlock Holmes I’d never leave my house ever again.

Anyway, the Georgian politician is hated by Maxwell because he raped an underage girl during her watch and then swept it under the rug while getting her in hot water at the Secret Service when she cried fowl about it.  As the investigation progresses, we discover the Maxwell is being set up to take the fall for the  assassination attempt.  The reason for this is because the Georgian Rapist politician is trying to reinvent his tarnished image and thinks almost getting killed will give him a boost in the polls, and Maxwell is an easy scapegoat.  So the politician sets up his own botched assassination, which is then exposed by the clever detective work of King and Maxwell (not to mention Edgar Roy, who did I mention is awesome?).

So between episode 1 and 2, we get a really good sense of who King and Maxwell are individually, but more importantly, how they work together as a team.  And I gotta say, I loved it!  Over-all I was pleasantly surprised by this show.  It doesn’t seem to have any political overtones considering it takes place in D.C., which is nice.  The writing is clever and well done.  The acting is great (with the exception typically being Romijn), and the characters are fun and interesting.  This show is off to a great start and I can totally see myself becoming a fan if they keep up with this level of quality.

If you’re looking for another fun show to watch on Monday nights, give this one a shot.  It’s worth the time.

Magic (is Gone) City – S2Ep2 Thoughts

Where has all the magic gone?

So yeah, I’m starting to look at the Starz network as a horrible girlfriend who blew my mind when I first met her, so I keep taking her back even though I know she’s just going to take advantage of me and abuse me in every way possible, while stealing my iPod and asking me to help her pay rent this month.  Spartacus is one of the greatest shows I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching, but every other Starz original series has been either god awful (Torchwood: miracle Day), ridiculously stupid (Camelot, DaVinci’s Demons), or boring as crap (Pillars Of The Earth), and they tend to cancel shows just as they’re starting to get interesting (I’m looking at you, Boss).

Magic City is one of their premiere shows because it’s got a big-name writer/producer behind it, and a pretty killer ensemble cast, with amazing production values.  I watched the first season of the series and it wasn’t bad, but it was far from good.  In fact, it was ridiculously boring.  I seriously didn’t care for any of the characters, and nothing ever happened which made any impact to the story at all.  Even when they tried to make things interesting, you never really cared, because you just didn’t give a slap about the characters involved.

The show centers around Ike Evans, an enterprising Miami hotel magnate and his obsession with the Miamar Plaza hotel, the first real luxury beachfront resort in the city back when Miami was just a destination for retired Jewish people.  The show is set during the 1950s as Castro is coming into power in Cuba, and follows Ike and his family as they deal with corrupt politicians and the Chicago Mafia who have their hands deep in the pockets of the Miamar.

The show was created and is produced/written by Mitch Glazer, who’s been behind some pretty good movies in the past, but his handling of this show is just dreadful.  The show has a kick-butt cast, but they are given nothing interesting to work with at all.  Ike’s family consist of a young daughter (who’s barely there), a straight-laced son who’s looking to become a lawyer (boring as heck character), a playboy son who’s having an affair with a mobster’s daughter (stupid as heck character), and his drop-dead gorgeous wife who was a former showgirl in Cuba (nice to look at, but does nothing interesting ever).  Oh yea, and there’s Ike’s dad, who I guess we’re supposed to care about because he’s “wise” but he has no real impact on the story ever.

There are lots of subplots with an ambitious District Attorney who’s trying to get to the mob through persecuting Ike, a hooker who witnessed a murder and subsequently became a target by the mob, a hotel manager who’s trying to get his wife out of Cuba, and a catburgler who steals some incriminating photos of Ike’s son and the mob boss’s wife.  (I told you the son was ridiculously stupid.)

But the main story is about how Ike continually butts heads with his silent partner in the Miramar, Ben “The Butcher” Diamond, the premier mobster in Miami who’s also an incredibly violent prick who seems to like to show off his junk a lot.  (I’m not kidding.  I’ve seen more mobster wee-wee from this show than I’ve ever cared to.)  Ben Diamond is a totally evil dude because he likes to randomly kill or maim people for no reason, and abuse his gorgeous young wife because he has a weird sexual dysfunction and can only get off by watching her with other men through a glass ceiling in his bedroom.  (Not making this up.)

So that’s the gist of the series, and trust me when I say, it’s about as enticing as watching paint dry… if the paint is already dry.

Season two just started, and seeing as how there is never anything good on Friday Nights, I’m DVRing Magic City just for the heck of it.  And I’m sad to say, nothing much has changed since the previous season.  The first episode cleared up the cliffhanger from last season (Ike’s arrest for the murder of some Chicago hitman while saving the life of the Hooker), and introduced the new main storyline of Season 2, which is Ike trying to get a foothold in the newly Castro-controlled Cuba so he can run government-sponsored Casino Resorts and pocket a ton of cash while cutting out the Chicago mob and telling Ben Diamond to go flash his old-man junk elsewhere.

I guess I’m supposed to like Ike because he’s an independent, noble man who isn’t afraid to stand up to evil or stupidity, but I just can’t bring myself to care about the dude or his ambitions.  And Ben Diamond is such an unlikable character, I can’t even enjoy him being evil.  For instance, in this last episode, he urinates on his glass peep-hole floor while his wife has a lesbian 6-some in the bedroom below, all the while chanting about how he’s the Angel of Death or something.  Normally, I’d be all like “Cool, that’s messed up,” but the way it was done was almost comical and incredibly stupid.

I feel like this show wants to be what Boardwalk Empire is, but Boardwalk Empire is just so much better on every level.  This last episode of Magic City, I kid you not, had about half the episode dedicated to a Passover Seder meal in which nothing happened beyond Grandpa Evans being late.  I’m not joking (though I wish I was).  The highlight of the episode was James Caan showing up as Ben Diamond’s overseer for the Chicago Mob and trying to talk some much needed sense into him, since he’s determined to kill Ike for being disrespectful to him.  The episode ends with Ike on his way to Cuba to try to con Castro into giving him exclusive rights to run the hotel industry there.

I almost fell asleep like, 3 times watching this episode.  It was SO BORING.  And that’s always been Magic City’s problem.  Lame characters, lazy plot, and nothing interesting happening ever.  I’ve heard the show is “critically acclaimed” but I get the feeling that’s just the relatives of the Starz executives Tweeting about how amazeballz the show is to keep their peeps gainfully employed.  Because, honestly, I don’t see how anyone could actually think this show is good.

And yet, I’ll still keep watching until something better comes along.  Let’s hope Cinemax gets it together and puts out another Friday night series so I’ll have something other than Starz to occupy me.  Oh well.  At least Magic City is better than DaVinci’s Demons.  I’m still having ‘nam flashbacks of that piece of garbage.

WTF Moment Of Zen

So I was driving down Eastern Ave. the other night, and a freakin’ bird POOPED an egg right onto my windshield.  Seriously, an egg literally fell from the sky and splattered all over my windshield.  I did a total “OMG I’ve been shot!” reaction which I’m sure was ridiculously comical.

Seriously, this was me:

The ironic thing was that I’d just had my car washed the previous day, so it was completely spotless.  Now it had bird fetus all over it.  How does that happen?  I didn’t even know birds could lay eggs in flight!  Was this some back-ally avian abortion tactic I was unaware of?  Do birds see my car as a predator and drop eggs to try and escape, sacrificing their unborn children to save their own cowherdly necks?  Me no understand!!!

Luckily I was able to wash it off until it turned into concrete, but still.  Crazy moment of WTF zen there, people.

The Killing S2 Recap – Ep1 Moar Killingz

Previously On The Killing:  A bunch of crap happened that NO ONE GIVES A FUDGE ABOUT.  (Oh, and some kid drew a picture)

Cut To:  Murder Scene

HOLDER:  Oh, snap!  Some 13 y.o. shorty just got murderized, yo!

GRUMPY PARTNER:  Screw this.  I’m not the kind of police that actually solves murders.  So I’m just gonna joke about decapitated little girls giving head.  *grumps*

HOLDER:  That’s cold, yo.  Now drink some of this non-dairy soymilk because being a vegan is my only unique bit of characterization.

Cut To:  Country House

SEXY BOY:  I know I’m half your age and way too good looking to be with a troll like you, but I LOVE YOU!

LINDEN:  Sorry, not interested.  I break things.

SEXY BOY:  Um… what does that have to do with -?

LINDEN:  I’m going for a jog now.

SEXY BOY:  But it’s raining!

LINDEN:  I’m only happy when it rains.

AUDIENCE:  YOU’RE NEVER HAPPY, PSYCHO!!!!

LINDEN:  (that’s cause I break things)

AUDIENCE:  WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??????

Cut To:  Street Corner

BUTCH 13 YO LESBIAN:  Guess if I’m a girl or a boy.  Go on, guess.

GENERIC GIRL:  I don’t care.  I’m going to have a conversation with my neglectful mom in a desperate attempt to make people care about me before I die.

BUTCH 13 YO LESBIAN:  Okay.  I’m just going to go antagonize some police and gun-wielding murderous pimps because I have penis envy.  Latesies!

Cut To:  Country House

HOLDER:  Yo Linden, remember that old murder you mentioned once years ago that’s haunted you forever but I could have given two craps about because it had nothing to do with the case we were working on together?  I think there’s a connection with this body I just found!

LINDEN:  There’s no connection.  The victimology is way too different.  The hidden evidence box I stole up in my attic confirms this.

HOLDER:  But they’re both dead!  That’s a connection, right?

LINDEN:  I’m going for a jog now.

Cut To:  Jogging to an abandoned barn

LINDEN:  WTF?  What are all these freshly dead cows doing at a stable that’s so old it’s barely standing?

DYING COW:  IT’S SYMBOLISM FOR THE END OF THE EPISODE!

LINDEN:  AHHHHH!!!! *shoots cow*

DYING COW:  OW!  UR MEAN!  *dies*

Cut To:  Death Row

FALSELY CONVICTED SCARSGAARD:  Apparently I didn’t murderize my wife but I’m so bitter and traumatized I’m gonna say I did and rush for the death penalty.

LAWYER:  But, we could easily delay this thing for so much longer with an appeal!

FALSELY CONVICTED SCARSGAARD:  Nah, that wouldn’t add enough urgency to the investigation so I’m going to act totally irrational for a few episodes.  Besides – I’M A TORTURED SOUL!

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA PRISON GUARD GUY:  What am I doing in this show?  Seriously.

Cut To:  Teen romance no one cares about.

DOUCHEY GUY:  I’m wanna be a model!

13 YO HO:  I’m insecure and think you love me even though you spend all my money and make me turn tricks.

AUDIENCE:  SCREW YOU SHOWRUNNER VEENA SUD!!!

Cut To:  Lesbian Wedding On A Boat (no, seriously)

LINDEN:  I think this is great that we’re throwing in a gay wedding, because child prostitution, rape, murder, cougar sex, and 13 year old lesbians wasn’t progressive enough for AMC

SON:  O HAI MOM!

LINDEN:  STFU and go back to Chicago.  No one want’s you here.  I BREAK THINGS!

Cut To:  Church Sponsored Death House (I mean Runaway Shelter)

HOLDER:  Hey Preacher Man who helps runaways.  Have you seen this girl?  *holds up picture*

PREACHER:  You mean the one I obviously killed and you’ll spend a whole season trying to figure out it was me?  No, never seen her before.

HOLDER:  Wait, what?

GRUMPY PARTNER:  This is a waste of time!  Don’t you know having a single unsolved case will ruin your ability to take a Sergent’s exam and get a passing grade?  Let’s go get blotto!

HOLDER:  Hold on, yo, I’m suspicious over here.

GRUMPY PARTNER:  Have it your way.  I’m outta here!  *drives off*

HOLDER:  As you were saying?

PREACHER:  Yeah, I’m totally the killer.

HOLDER:  Thanks for your time, yo.  I gotta go follow some more leads to go find my killer now.

Cut To:  Holder’s Apartment

JEWEL STAIT:  Hi!  I’m just here to appease fanboys and drop a Firefly reference for nerds to geek out about.

HOLDER:  A’ight.  You know how we do.

Cut To:  Police Department

LINDEN:  I’ve decided I’m really a cop at heart and want to help find the real killer of these women who I decided are actually connected now.

HOLDER:  Oh, snap, Linden!  What made you change your mind.

LINDEN:  I killed a cow.

HOLDER:  No, seriously, what made you change your mind?

LINDEN:  …

Cut To:  Son of Scarsgaard’s house.

LINDEN:  Holy crap!  That’s the same drawing on the wall that has haunted me in my dreams for years!  Maybe I should finally try to see if it’s a real location instead of going crazy obsessing over it and being locked in a mental institution.

Cut To:  The most remote and well hidden Bog/Marsh/Dumping ground on the planet next to the most easily identifiable double barns in the entire state of Seattle apparently.

LINDEN:  Holy crap!  Who knew a thin layer of fog could keep dozens of bodies that have been dumped in BRIGHT RED PLASTIC BAGS in 2 inch deep water cleverly concealed for years?

AUDIENCE:  AAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!   SCREW YOU SHOW!!!!!

On the next episode of… The Killing

HOLDER:  Do you think there’s a connection between all these dead bodies with their heads cut off and our murders, Linden?

LINDEN:  *stares off into the distance stoically*

HOLDER:  Uh… Linden?

LINDEN:  *walks away*

HOLDER:  Ahhhh, good to have the old magic back!

A Patriotic Whore Is Now Live

Greetings Interwebs!  It is I, Bucky, faithful manservant of the mighty and powerful Mr. Kadish.

My master is currently deep in the Heart of Africa seeking a mystical key which shall help him on his adventure to unlock an ancient mystery and save the President, so it has fallen to me to write this update.

Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet was originally planned to be released on June 1st, but the editing process is still ongoing, so the release has been pushed back.  It will most likely be available come the start of July.

In the meantime…

My master’s latest work of brilliance, A Patriotic Whore, has just been released on Amazon in digital format.  It is the first of a planned series of four novels which my master has wisely dubbed “The Cathouse Series.”  If you can imagine Fifty Shades Of Grey and James Bond having a baby, this would be the result.  It is an Adult Contemporary Romance with aspects of both Erotica and a Spy Thriller.  A warning though, the book does contain strong language and graphic sexual content, including bondage, BDSM, bisexuality, and… um, other things that may not be polite to mention in public.  If you are easily offended by such things, you may wish to stick with my Master’s more family-friendly fare.  Here are the details of the novel:

Title: A Patriotic Whore

Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance/Erotica

Format: Kindle eBook

Synopsis: Blaire Reese is a party girl. She likes booze, boys, and sex, and has no idea what she wants to do with her life… until she’s approached by the CIA to join an elite squad of undercover agents trained in the art of Seduction and Sexual Manipulation.

Now, she’s in a world where sex is used as a tool, and people are looked at as nothing more than puppets. Project Cathouse was designed from the ground up by the CIA to teach girls like Blaire how to use their sexuality to enslave the emotions of any person they desire, and then use that person for their own agendas.

Blaire is on-board with her training until she falls in love with Drummond Scott, the top male trainee at the Cathouse. But how can she convince a man trained as the ultimate Seducer that her love is not only genuine, but that he should love her back?

When emotions are liabilities and sex is a weapon, how can Blaire protect herself from being hurt? What is left for her to trust? When you’re patriotic enough to become a whore, is it still possible to ever believe in love?

Amazon Link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00D7203GE/

Goodreads Link:  http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18045416-a-patriotic-whore

Notes: We are currently accepting requests for review copies of the book.  If you run a book review website, or you simply would like to volunteer to write a review for Amazon and Goodreads, we will be happy to provide you with a free copy.  PDF, Epub, and Mobi versions are all available, and you can also get a free copy through Amazon Prime’s lending feature.

In his infinite wisdom, my master has decided to publish a sample from the book for you to read and get a taste of the literary pleasures which await you in A Patriotic Whore.  You may read the free sample here.

Though my master is currently engaged in his globe-trotting adventure, he did wish to share this personal note with you…

Hello fans and worshipers!  ‘Tis I, the great and mighty KADISH.

As my faithful robot/manservant Bucky has no doubt informed you, I am currently on an adventure, but I wanted to take some time away from outrunning large boulders and tricking giant man-eating snakes with my mystical shield to tell you about my new book, A Patriotic Whore.

It’s about a program the CIA uses to train Hooker Spies, and follows the career of one of these Hooker Spies as she goes from being a college party girl to a highly trained secret agent who saves the world with nothing but the power of her vagina.

(No, seriously.)

The inspiration for this book came from a desire I had to play with what I feel has become the “Stereotypical Female Protagonist.”  As I read more and more, I get the sense that people are beginning to equate “Strong Female Characters” with women who are basically men with boobies.  They run around, kick the ass of bad guys, and only have sex with drop-dead gorgeous billionaires (who have a dark secret of course) only after they’ve fallen in love.  I had a desire to see a female protagonist who was uniquely a woman, not just a man disguised as one.  She was going to be girlie, decidedly un-action oriented, a bit ditzy at times, fashion obsessed, and most of all, she was going to be a slut.  Yes, that’s right, she was going to be a girl who liked having lots and lots of sex, and not always with sexy billionaires and their dark secrets.  (Though, that will probably happen at some point, but I digress.)

Even though the concept may seem cheesy, it is actually more than a trashy romance/spy novel.  I wanted to explore themes of female empowerment, and how sex influences us as a society.  Yes, there is graphic sex and erotica in the book, but the real theme I wanted to explore is the dynamic between love and sex.  Romance is about falling in love, and I wanted to have a character who had disassociated love from the act of sex and see what it would take to get her to experience such a powerful emotion for the first time.

Though I’ve definitely included many romance tropes in the book, I think readers will be surprised once they dig in and discover what the book is really about.  This first book is about seduction, and how the main character can use sex to control and manipulate others.  I approached the sex scenes in this book the same way I would approach action scenes.  By this, I mean that the sex in this book isn’t just there to stimulate the reader, there are actually reasons as to why it is happening, and there is always something at stake when it does.  This strange blend of trashy romance and spy thriller has actually turned into something fun and unique which I have not personally seen in other books in the genre, so I am hoping readers (particularly women) will enjoy it.

The other three books in the series are already in development, but this one is finally finished.  I wrote it in a different style than my other novels, using what I call “Tweetspeak,” which is a shorthand way of writing that is popular on twitter and text messaging.  I chose to write these novels this way because it not only helped me get in the head of a girl (not always an easy task), but it is also fun and unique.  This style will not appeal to all readers, but hey, one of the benefits of being a self-published author is that I get to try things that are outside the norm.

I encourage you all to check out the book, especially if you’re a fan of romance, erotica, and spy novels.  I think you won’t be disappointed.

Now get back to work, Bucky!  My clothing won’t smell like Mountain Spring Breeze by itself!

Kadish out.

Yes, master, right away!

I must go now.  But you can get A Patriotic Whore for $0.99 at Amazon.com.  I’d strongly encourage you to do so.  We are currently saving up for a new Shark Tank, so the funds would be greatly appreciated.

The Gender Coverup Conspiracy – A Manly-Man’s Perspective

So there I was, minding my own business, preparing the shark tank in my subterranean lair underneath my volcano (well, technically it’s my family’s volcano, but I like to use it on weekends) for what would undoubtedly be an excellent slow-moving trap which I could inflict upon one of my many arch-rivals (I’m looking at you, Matt Damon), when my faithful Henchman/Manservant interrupts me.

“Excuse me, sir,” said Bucky.  “But have you seen the latest post on Amanda Hocking’s blog?”

“Foolish Bucky!” I replied.  “You know my unhealthy fetish for Trolls and their supernatural romances!  But of course I have seen her blog.”

“Yes, master,” said Bucky.  “But Ms. Hocking has just updated her site in regards to this article by Maureen Johnson.  She appears to be quite distressed by it.”

“Hmmmmmm…” I said, perusing the article myself.  “I can see that women are finally catching onto the conspiracy.  Quickly, Bucky!  Get me the President on the phone.”

After updating the leader of the Free World, it was decided upon that an emergency meeting must be called to address this rather troubling issue the “females” (as I hear they like to be referred to) had dubbed “The Gender Coverup.”

The manliest men from across the globe all met at the manliest place on Earth – a log cabin in the wilds of the Alaskan wilderness, built by Teddy Roosevelt with nothing more than his mustache hairs and the tears of orphans.

There, Paul Bunyon, Arnold Schwartzeneggar, Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stalone, Bruce Willis, pretty much the entire cast of the Expendables, David Beckham, Tango and Cash, Jack Reacher, Wolverine, Hulk Hogan, Wilt Chamberlin, and Rob Zombie joined me to address the situation.  Robert Pattinson showed up as well, but he was denied entry.

After tossing the sacrificial cans of Axe Body Spray into the fire pit and reciting the secret words, it was time to get down to business.

“Men,” I began.  “It would seem the women of our species have finally started to wise up.  They are now recognizing the Gender Coverup.”

An uncomfortable murmur went through the room.

“There is no need to panic,” I stated.  “As of now, this phenomenon has been confined to a few select literary blogs.  But this does bring up a much larger issue:  How are we to continue making women feel inferior to us, if they are now aware of our tricks?”

A loud bang assaulted the air as the front doors to the meeting room were kicked open, followed by the smooth grooves of Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In The USA.”  Standing there was Ernest Hemingway, holding an AK-47 in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other.  A freshly killed grizzly bear was strapped to his back, while the fires he had set to anything not manly enough to be in his presence blazed behind him.  His pet tiger roared.

“Enough of this!” Hemingway screamed gruffly.  “The females will be the impetus of their own undoing.”

“No one doubts your wisdom, oh manly one,” I replied.  “But what exactly do you mean?”

“They have yet to grasp the concept that a woman’s power does not stem from her ability to be more like men,” said Hemingway.  “But from embracing that which makes her a woman!  For decades misguided feminism has forced women to try to be more like us.  They grow hair on places other than their heads.  They stop using deodorant and embrace the musk of nature.  They act aggressive and prey on species weaker than them.  They read James Patterson novels.  Yet no matter how hard they try, they can never match our ability to be manly.  And that is the great tragedy of the Gender Covercup – it is created by insecure females who think men are trying to be superior to them, when in reality, all we want are boobies.”

A collective sign escaped from the room.  Every man there could agree – boobies were awesome.  How we all wished we had some right then!

Hemingway’s words struck a chord with me, as I thought more about the article which had started it all.  Maureen Johnson complained that most literature taught in school was written by men.  This may be true, but weren’t women authors rare until the modern age?  This is like complaining that there aren’t enough female writers from Ancient Greece because Homer had the publishing market cornered and was a huge misogynist.

The fact is, until recently, there were very few literary works from women throughout history.  And the female authors who did break in and produce works during that time period are widely regarded as amazing authors – by both sexes.  The fact is, it was a world-wide gender inequality issue from civilizations that were still evolving that caused this type of gap in the teaching of male produced literature vs. female produced literature.  Not some anti-woman conspiracy in academia.  The very fact that there are so many female authors nowadays is actually an argument AGAINST any sort of Gender Coverup, since more and more women are becoming novelists and writers.

Then she goes on to argue that women are more flexible in what they read than boys are.  Women are “flexible and accepting creatures who can read absolutely anything.”  But she argues boys can’t read “girl stories.”  I think this is as sound of an argument as saying there’s something wrong with the fact that women are allowed to wear anything they want, but guys can’t wear dresses, bras, or thongs.

FACT:  Boys are different from girls.  They like different things.  Most boys aren’t interested in the same things girls are, therefor, what they read will tend to be different.

I didn’t want to read Little Women or Sense and Sensibility when I was in High School (still don’t, btw).  I wanted to read things with guns, explosions, epic battles, spaceships, and adventure (not to mention boobies).  I preferred reading comic books to novels.  This wasn’t because “society made me not want to read books written by women.”  It was because my personal interest were in things women did not typically write about or have a hand in creating.

So I don’t buy into this notion that a gender gap exists because women are expected to like one thing and boys are forced to only like other things.  Heck, most boys I know HATE to read!  I think this just comes down to the fact that women, by nature, are more empathetic than men are, and therefore more open and accepting of different things than men are in general.  This isn’t a societal thing, this is nature at work.

Then there’s this idea put forth by the author that literary works by women are somehow “denigrated” in how they are described or suggested to their audience.  That “girl books” and “boy books” are somehow separated, with one being elevated over another.  She even goes so far as to criticize covers for being gender biased, designed to appeal to one sex over another.

My first inclination is to say that this woman has no clue about how marketing works, if this is her biggest argument for a “Gender Coverup.”  Publishing does not create a market for itself.  It is meant to cater to a market that already exists!

Publishers do not produce “chick lit” with Fabio on the cover because they want to dictate to women what they should be reading, thinking, and feeling.  They do this because they know that’s what the majority of women out there are searching for and already enjoy!

This is like criticizing Mystery books for having weapons, blood, or dead bodies on their covers.  This is like criticizing Horror novels for having monsters or spooky stuff on their covers.  This is like criticizing Stephanie Meyer novels for having covers that make no damn lick of sense.  It’s silly, because whatever is on a book’s cover is meant to appeal to the audience most likely to enjoy reading that book!

Here is what I know to be true about women in general when it comes to the books they tend to read:

Women like strong female protagonists and characters.
Women enjoy reading about romances and relationship struggles.
Women get a vicarious thrill over “forbidden” or “taboo” elements in storylines.
Women like to see sexy men and pretty colors with various other girlie things on covers.

Here is what I know to be true about men in general when it comes to the books they tend to read:

Men like strong male protagonists and characters.
Men enjoy reading about action, blood, death, and gore.
Men get a vicarious thrill over “bad ass” elements in storylines.
Men like seeing sexy women and various other manly things on covers.
Men like anything with boobies in it.

That is not to say there isn’t cross-over in tastes, or commonalities that both men and women enjoy.  All I’m saying is that Books (and their covers) are produced for a SPECIFIC AUDIENCE, and therefor are designed to cater to what the majority of that audience likes and dislikes.

For Maureen Johnson to get upset that women’s literature isn’t as respected as men’s literature essentially equates to her saying that the women who enjoy such literature are stupid and are giving women a bad name.

I don’t agree with this at all.

I’m what I’d consider to be a typical man.  I tend to get bored at movies that don’t have at least one explosion in them.  It doesn’t even have to be a big explosion.  Even a little one will suffice.  That’s because I have a personal preference about what movies I’ll watch.  I also have a personal preference as to what books I’ll read.  I don’t want to read the Bronte Sisters.  I want to read George R.R. Martin.

This was always my biggest problem with High School English classes.  They force kids to read things, when reading is really a personal preference.  Suffering through books that do not appeal to you can turn one off of reading in general.  Honestly, this is why I think most people say they don’t like to read (and yet, put a book that appeals to them in their hand and they’ll devour it as quickly as a lover of books will).

In my opinion, women who enjoy “chick lit,” bodice-rippers, supernatural romance, young adult vampirey stuff, beach reads, etc. aren’t “buying into” some conspiracy to denigrate women.  They are simply reading what they enjoy.  And the female authors who write this material are simply writing what appeals to them, because chances are they are a part of the audience they are writing for.

To compare this type of work with “horror” or “sci fi” or whatever and say it doesn’t get as much respect is just silly.  Genre-specific work never gets the respect it deserves, and like it or not, “chick lit” is a genre, with many sub genres attached to it.  Literary respect is an illusion created by academia to make lit professors feel good about reading boring-ass books and forcing others to do so as well.  If there are enough people out there who are willing to read a certain genre and love it, that’s all the respect a book really needs.

I can’t stand the book 50 Shades of Grey.  I do not respect the author of that piece.  Yet, I do respect her audience – the women (and men) who’ve read that work and enjoyed it.  The reason for this is that I do not judge the taste of other people.  If someone enjoys something, who am I to try and take that enjoyment away from them?  It’s not like my life is being affected by them reading a book out of enjoyment.  I’m sure E.L. James isn’t losing sleep over the fact that I look down upon her work as she retires for the night on a huge pile of money.  So why should we worry about “literary respect” when a book’s fans can show how much they respect an author based on the sales of their books?

There is no more glass ceiling.  Women can write just as much and publish just as freely as men can in this day and age.  To ramble about how there is a “gender conspiracy” because women enjoy reading a certain genre that men don’t is popycock.  Men have equivalents to the “buzz words” that are supposedly derogatory towards female authors.  For instance:

FEMALE:  Light

MALE:  Hard Core

FEMALE:  Fluffy

MALE:  Dark

FEMALE:  Breezy

MALE:  Short Chapters (I’m looking at you, Dan Brown)

FEMALE:  Beach Read

MALE:  Airport Read

Personally, I like the buzz words for women better.  The ones for men are freakin’ depressing.

Long story short, women need to stop fretting over what the men are doing.  Embrace what it means to be a female author, and most of all, embrace your audience!  Don’t look down upon them because they like certain stories or covers.  Instead, rejoice that they love what you have to share with them.  Don’t try to be like men, because you’re not a man, you’ll never BE a man.  What makes women different from men is what makes them special and unique and wonderful.

Yes, I’m not going to suddenly read books about girls who fall in love with vampire/werewolf hybrids who are also a ghost that transforms into an angel.  Just like most women won’t suddenly read books about men who have sex with multiple big-busted bimbos while shooting railguns at aliens trying to steal their beer.  That doesn’t mean we can’t read books that might not appeal to us and actually enjoy them based upon their merit.  It just means we’re more likely to read what suits our personal tastes.

There’s an old saying that goes “The best revenge is a life well lived.”  In accordance with that, I think women need to chill out a bit and embrace what makes them women, instead of looking at men as the bad guys who are keeping them down.  Dollar signs are the only true measure of respect for authors, and with women being successful and making a living (even becoming millionaires) based on their books, I have a hard time believing there is actually any real “coverup” going on.  Do what you enjoy, and screw anyone else who looks down upon you for doing so.

I was about to express all this to the group when the Swedish Bikini Volleyball Team showed up along with their boobies and I immediately forgot what I was about to say.  We had a light and breezy time while beach reading under fluffy clouds and headbutting our male companions in revelry.

Now excuse me, I must return to not watching my figure, scratching myself in public, and going for weeks on end without showering.  Eat your heart out ladies!  Mwuhahahaha!

God, I love being a man!

Welcome To MatthewKadish.com!

Greetings all.

Welcome to my official website.  My name is Matthew Kadish, so I only found it fitting to own and operate MatthewKadish.com.  After all, who else would do such a thing?  It makes no sense for a person named Chris Hotep or Bubba Columbus to do so.  And if anyone is going to be making $0.07 a month on spam ad revenue for parked domain pages, it’s going to be me, damn it!

Anyway, in case you’re wondering why you should care (and in most cases, unless you are members of my immediate family, you probably shouldn’t), this site is meant to be dedicated to my journey of becoming a “professional author.”

What do I mean by “professional author?”  Well, someone who makes a living writing would be my definition of such a thing.  In April of 2013 I had finished editing my first novel, Earthman Jack vs. The Ghost Planet, the first of a planned seven in a series.  I am self-publishing this book both in digital and print format, and will be using this website as a way to communicate with those who read it, and *gasp* possibly even become fans.

I hear from the interwebz that there is something called the “self publishing revolution” happening right now.  Though it apparently isn’t has historic as the American Revolution, as bloody as the French Revolution, or as hard to get through as NBC’s Revolution, apparently it’s a big deal.  So I figured why not try and be a part of it and see where it gets me?

I’ve always been a writer/storyteller to some extent.  I can remember when I was a little boy I either wanted to be a comic book artist or a film director.  Unfortunately, neither of those paths panned out for me, but my love of telling stories never went away.  I’d written numerous short stories and screenplays in my time.  And in 2008, decided it was time to write a novel.  Though I hate the process of writing, having a finished work that I can share with others is pretty intoxicating, and I want to do more of it.

Because anyone now has the ability to publish their work via the magic of the internet, there is no reason why writers can not only share their work with the world, but also make money off it.  I love this idea, and I am looking forward to try to make a go of it.  I’ve always got a billion projects on my plate, but to have the time to actually finish some of them would be a dream come true.

On my blog, I’ll probably be posting a lot of nonsense that won’t be of interest to anyone.  But just in case it interests you, I’d like to thank you for reading and taking the time to visit my website.  It means a lot to an attention whore such as myself.

If you’d like to check out my work,there are ways you can do that through this website.  If you’d like to give me money, there are ways you can do that as well.  If you’re just here to troll me, well, I’m sure you’ll find a way.  Most trolls do.

Regardless, thanks for stopping by!  Hope you’ll come back soon.