Tyler F.M. Edwards's Blog, page 23

Anthem: Story Complete

I’ve now come to the end of the story content in Anthem. The main plot ended as it lived: forgettably. But that’s okay. The main story isn’t what makes Anthem special.

[image error]It is the side stories where Anthem reaches its full potential. The game captures the fantasy of the “Free Lancer,” a science fantasy knight-errant, very well as you explore contracts and freeplay, policing the wilds of danger and making life safer for the ordinary people of Bastion.

Interestingly, the side missions and conversations continued for quite a while after finishing the main story. I’ve played plenty of games where it was possible to keep pursuing side missions after the main plot, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen a wealth of side stories that only unlock after the big plot stuff is wrapped up. Seeing as the side stories and background NPCs are Anthem’s strength, I was quite pleased by this.

Oddly, even though I’ve now completed every last bit of story, I’m still two levels below the cap. Since there’s no content locked behind level cap (so far as I know), that’s not really a problem; it’s just surprising. How people were getting to thirty within the first week after launch I’ll never know.

I did manage to unlock my final Javelin, Ranger. The other Javelins took me a while to warm up to, so maybe I need more time with it, but so far this is my least favourite to date. It’s just a dude who shoots things and flings the occasional grenade. There’s nothing special about it.

At least the rocket barrage ultimate is satisfying, if a bit finicky to aim.

I remain quite happy with Anthem on the whole, but now that I’ve experienced pretty much everything the game has to offer, I will agree that it feels a bit anemic in places. It needs a bigger world, more strongholds, and more than anything else it needs more Javelins.

[image error]The current selection are all fun (some more than others), but since there’s little ability to customize the playstyle of each Javelin, there definitely needs to be more than four of them. We don’t necessarily need the ridiculous number of suits Warframe is offering, but we do need more options than this. Obvious choices could include a stealth Javelin, a support Javelin, or a pet-focused Javelin.

My understanding is that Bioware does hope to add more Javelins at some point, but that it isn’t a priority, which is concerning.

I do feel my time in Anthem is now winding down, though I may still pop in now and then. It’s good stress relief. But there’s upcoming free content updates to look forward to, and having gotten over sixty hours of good fun out of it, I’m quite satisfied I got my money’s worth.

It may not have blown me away the way Andromeda did, but Anthem turned out far better than I expected it to.

On Being Represented

I’ve always been a big believer in the idea that representation matters in the media, but as a straight white guy, I’ve never really lacked for representation, so it’s a concept I mostly view in the abstract.

[image error]However, there is the one major way in which I’m not not like the average guy, so in that way I don’t get to feel represented. Autistic characters in the media tend to be pretty rare. It occurred to me it might be interesting to do an analysis of those characters I have encountered that are either canonically autistic or perceived that way by fans and see how well they represent me.

A few caveats:

This is hardly an exhaustive list of autistic/autistic-seeming characters in the media. They’re just the ones I know. I don’t generally go looking for them. I already live with autism every day; I don’t crave it in my entertainment.

Second, I can of course only speak for myself, and not everyone on the spectrum everywhere. My opinions may not be shared by others with my condition.

Finally, I do wish to state that I am not drawing a comparison between my situation and the challenges faced by women or ethnic or sexual minorities. I do not believe there is an equivalence. As a heterosexual cisgender white man who can pass for normal on a limited basis, I still enjoy a great deal of systemic privilege.

Sylvia Tilly (Star Trek: Discovery):

I don’t think Tilly is autistic?

[image error]Honestly, I was very surprised when I stumbled across this fan theory. I never got that vibe from her at all. Yes, she’s a bit socially awkward, but so are lots of people who aren’t on the spectrum, and aside from that nothing at all about Tilly points me in that direction.

She’s a fun character, and I like her, but I never saw her as autistic. It’s also worth noting neither the writers nor the actress see the character that way, either.

Cole and Sera (Dragon Age: Inquisition):

It quickly became clear to me when playing Inquisition that Cole was a stand-in for an autistic person, and upon doing some Google research I learned that yes, this was something the writers did deliberately.

This might be my overly literal autistic mind talking, but I feel that the fantasy element of Cole — that he’s a magical spirit and not a human — rather undermines any relevance he might have to real world people. He doesn’t feel representative of me or my experiences. He’s an interesting character, but not because of any parallels to the real world.

The one thing I will give credit to is that I feel they did a very good job of being even-handed around the story of whether to make Cole more human or more spirit, which is clearly meant to echo the real world debate over whether a hypothetical cure for autism would be ethical. Both options in the game are treated as valid and lead to happy endings for Cole, which I think is a good way to handle things. The debate gets pretty heated in reality.

[image error]Interestingly, while researching Cole, I discovered there’s a significant number of fans who also headcanon Sera as being on the spectrum. That thought had never occurred to me, but I can see the argument.

Personally, I would say that Sera is not autistic because I think her weirdness is more the result of her upbringing and mystical powers rather than any fundamental aspect of her nature. Autistic people are born odd, whereas Sera is odd because of the life she’s had. Nature versus nurture.

That said, I will say that as an autistic person I see myself in Sera far, far more than I ever did in Cole, to the point where I’ve adopted her as something of a personal hero.

Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory):

The Big Bang Theory is an absolutely despicable show.

Yes, I know the writers say Sheldon isn’t autistic, but he’s certainly coded as such, and it seems to be how most people see him. And regardless of any specific diagnosis, Sheldon and the series as a whole are pretty much entirely devoted to making a mockery of people with social impairments. It’s a monument to casual cruelty and punching down; it’s blackface for the neurodivergent.

[image error]There’s other things, too. She has a very stiff, formal way of speaking and writing. Following the events on Iokath, we learn that she has a very regimented daily schedule that she never deviates from. If you romance her, her feelings for the player character are clearly very intense, but at times you almost have to remind her to be affectionate.

These are all classic autistic traits.

It’s funny because I took an instant liking to Lana the moment I encountered her, but for a long time I didn’t understand why. There are plenty of more likable or entertaining characters in SWTOR, after all. Eventually I realized that it was because I saw myself reflected in her, but even then it took longer than it should have for me to grasp why I saw myself in her.

She’s like me. Fictional or not, she’s still likely the closest thing to a real peer I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t say it makes me feel less alone per se, but there is something about adventuring alongside her that is very reassuring.

The other great thing about Lana is that — perhaps because she was probably not consciously written as autistic — she isn’t stereotyped as “the autistic character.” She’s allowed to be a three-dimensional person who is not defined by her condition.

Lana is one of the main reasons I’ve stayed as loyal to SWTOR as I have, despite its many, many flaws. It’s just about the only place I can go to see someone like myself represented as something other than a shallow stereotype or a cautionary tale.

Free Stuff!

I’ve had the good fortune to have been gifted with a number of free gaming-related treats lately. Thought I’d take a moment to show off.

Dungeons and Dragons: Meet Mai

First, an artist friend of mine — the talented Jennifer Luu (jennifer0luu @gmail .com) — kindly offered to do a sketch of Mai, my most played character in D&D.

[image error]I love it. The hair is spot-on.

ESO: New styles

I’ve also gotten some gifts in ESO.

Firstly, I won a new outfit slot courtesy of Chestnut from Gamer Girl Confessions for participating in IntPiPoMo at the end of last year. My thanks to her for her generosity. Due to logistical issues, it took a while for the slot to be delivered, but I’ve got it now, and my Bosmer is now sporting a shiny new look (click images for full size).

[image error]In contrast to her normal tribal look, I wanted something more formal to show off her Aldmeri pride. Something she could wear while meeting with the queen. I did still include some bone elements as a nod to her more savage Bosmeri heritage.

[image error]The developers have also been giving away free stuff. Following their racial rebalancing (which has rather ruined my main’s stealthiness, much to my dismay), they handed out a bunch of race and name change tokens. My main got a new surname to bring her in line with my current character naming conventions, while my warden used a race change token to alter her appearance, which I’d never quite been happy with.

[image error]I’m still not sure I’m happy with it, to be honest. She looks a little harder than I’d like her to. It’s shockingly hard to make a High Elf in this game who doesn’t look like an awkward alien. Well, I still have two more tokens if I want to take another crack at it…

[image error]Finally, I have also completed the grind to evolve my Nascent Indrik mount. As is so often the case with grinds like these in MMOs, I lost my passion for it about halfway through, came to view it as an unpleasant chore, and began questioning my sanity for continuing with it, but stuck it out to the end out of a sense of obligation borne from sunk cost fallacy.

[image error]At least it’s a nice looking mount.

Dungeons and Dragons: TSW Homebrew Release

It’s taken me longer than I expected, but I have now cleaned up my notes for homebrew adapting the setting of The Secret World to fifth edition Dungeons and Dragons enough for a public release. Included in this are a core rulebook with everything you need to create characters and play in the setting, a short campaign of four “issues” (adventures), and a bestiary with stats for all the monsters in the campaign.

[image error]You can download the files from DMs Guild or my Google Drive.

Features include:

New death mechanics reflecting the immortality of Gaia’s chosen.
A sanity mechanic.
Racial choices replaced by five playable factions: The Illuminati, the Dragon, the Templars, the Brotherhood of Phoenician Sailors, and the Council of Venice, each with unique perks and abilities.
New feats, skills, and backgrounds (I’m especially proud of the Conspiracy Theorist background).
New subclasses for all playable classes (some classes are disallowed because I feel they clash with the setting). Some of these are direct adaptations of abilities and builds from the original MMO — leech heal with the Reaper archetype for rangers, or regen like Wolverine as a Predator rogue — while others are entirely new ability sets inspired by the lore of the setting. Pacify your enemies with the Sleepless Lullaby as a College of Binding bard, or follow in the footsteps of Theodore Wicker by choosing the Hellraiser origin for your sorcerer.
Rules for driving cars.
New and reflavoured items and equipment.

I tried to design this to be equally playable by both hardcore TSW fans and people with no prior experience in the setting (a difficult tightrope to walk). None of my friends played the MMO, and I do want this to be a tool to help introduce more people to the awesomeness of TSW. The core rulebook includes a lore primer to help people who don’t know TSW; however, you can ignore it if you already know the setting.

Some caveats:

This is an adaptation of the mechanics of the original version of The Secret World, not Legends. I don’t wish to rehash any debates, but I feel the original TSW was a superior game and a better expression of the setting.
The bestiary only includes monsters that were used in the campaign I wrote. If you want to create new stories, you’ll likely have to build your own monsters, or repurpose existing D&D creatures.
I fully expect some people to disagree with my interpretations of the setting (I expect my list of what classes are and are not playable to especially controversial). That’s okay. I encourage everyone to tweak things as they see fit. I’ll be surprised if anyone ends up playing this with exactly the rules I wrote.
I am not a professional game designer, and this hasn’t been rigorously play-tested. I tried to balance out the most broken stuff (my original draft for Backer warlock was horrifying), but there are still bound to be many balance issues. As much as possible, I tried to err on the side of making players too powerful rather than too weak.
More than anything else, I want to stress that I see this as a starting point for adapting D&D to tabletop, not a total conversion. Manage your expectations accordingly.

That’s about all there is to say. If anyone does end up playing using my homebrew, please let me know! I’d love to hear your feedback, and any war stories on how it went.

My New Gig at Massively Overpowered

A short post today, as I am quite busy as of late, but there is an important development I wish to notify you all of.

[image error]If you’re a regular reader of Massively Overpowered (I still want to call it just “Massively,” like the old days), you might have already noticed this, but I’ve now joined their staff as a columnist. I’ll be heading up the Not So Massively column, published every other Monday. In it, I’ll be covering online games that aren’t quite full fledged MMORPGs, like Anthem or Diablo.

Since MOP is already such a well-known site, I don’t plan to link every article I do for them here, but I will direct you to my introductory column. It should give you an idea of where I’m coming from.

As neither site is opposed to my working other jobs, I will be continuing to write for MMO Bro. I also plan to continue posting here at Superior Realities, though it’s possible working for MOP might further slow my already anemic posting schedule

I’d like to thank Bree and the rest of the MOP team for giving me this opportunity. I’ve wanted to write for MOP for a very long time — this wasn’t my first application to them — and it’s a bit surreal finally seeing my name in digital print on the site.

It’s also a bit scary, but… well, just got to deal with that.

Now, I’d better get to work planning my next column.

Gaming Round-Up: Anthem, Bound by Flame, and New Articles

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, but I’ve managed to fit in the time for both a bit of gaming, and a blog about what I’ve been up to.

Anthem: Wading into melee

[image error]Anthem continues to impress, to the point where I put off writing this post for quite some time as it cost me time I could have spent playing.

I’ve said before that I’m not a big fan of shooter games. I don’t hate them, but I don’t love them. They always end up feeling a bit shallow to me.

Anthem isn’t like that. In terms of pure moment to moment gameplay, it’s easily the most fun I’ve ever had playing a shooter. It stands with the best of RPGs and RTS games for addictive, satisfying gameplay.

I’m an incredible slowpoke when it comes to this game, so I still haven’t reached max level or finished the main story. I feel like I’m close to the latter goal, but I’m still only level 18 (cap is 30) at the time of this writing.

I have, however, unlocked two new Javelins, and while the Storm remains my overall favourite, they’ve both proven surprisingly fun.

First, I went Colossus. Going from a squishy mage to a tanky bruiser seemed like a good change of pace.

[image error]At first, I wasn’t feeling the Colossus. It seemed very weak to me. Most of your survivability comes from a physical shield you can throw up, but you can’t use your guns or abilities while the shield is equipped. It seemed pointless to me, at least when playing solo. Sure, I can’t die, but I also can’t fight back.

Then I figured out you can bash people with the shield. It all started falling into place after that.

Now I’m having a grand old time charging into the fray and weaving between guns, abilities, and smashing things with sheer brute force. Tank classes can be hit and miss for me, but the Colossus is definitely my kind of tank.

After the Colossus, I was torn on what Javelin to unlock next, but I decided to go with the speedy Interceptor. Like the Colossus, the Interceptor is focused on close range fighting, but unlike the Colossus, it’s even more of a glass cannon than the Storm.

I like playing an Interceptor, but it’s not relaxing. You have to constantly be in motion, and a moment’s error or hesitation can cost you dearly. It’s very exciting when it goes well, but it can be pretty stressful. It’s not a Javelin I’d recommend to new players, that’s for sure.

[image error]There’s likely more I could say in regards to Anthem, but that would waste too much time that I could instead spend playing. I maintain some concerns about its longevity, but it’s definitely turned out to be a much better experience than I expected.

Bound by Flame: Wasted potential

I’ve been so caught up in Anthem I’ve forgotten to talk about what I was playing beforehand.

To kill time in the weeks leading up to Anthem’s release, I delved into my Steam backlog and gave the action RPG Bound by Flame a chance.

I want to like Bound by Flame. It’s got a good premise. You’re a mercenary possessed by a demon who could consume your soul, but who also has the power to save humanity from an apocalypse brought on by the Ice Lords, a faction of undead sorcerers with a strong Fallen Lords/Ten Who Were Taken vibe.

The trouble with Bound by Flame is that, well, it’s just not that good. Pretty much every aspect of the game is bogged down by a lack of polish and a general feeling of low budget and amateurishness.

[image error]The voice acting is hit and miss at best. The dialogue writing is dodgy throughout. The menus and journal entries are full of typos. The story is poorly executed, with twists that come out of nowhere with no apparent explanation. According to the achievements, there’s romances of some kind, but I never figured out how to initiate any of them despite exploring all dialogue options with all characters.

The game’s main virtue is its combat, which is mostly very fun and what carried me through the game. The dodge mechanic is very well done — if you time it right, your character will automatically rush back in for a riposte, and it’s super satisfying — and I like how you’re encouraged to mix magical and physical attacks.

But even then, there are still issues. The difficulty tends to be a bit over-tuned, even on the lowest setting.

When last I played, I spent about ten minutes on what I presume is the final boss battle, an absolutely grueling slog, only to die moments away from victory. I had to start over at the beginning of the fight, and it frustrated me so much I logged off rather than attempt it again. Then Anthem came out, and I haven’t been back since.

The completionist in me feels I should finish it off to see how it ends, but I’m struggling to find the motivation.

[image error]New articles:

It’s time for another round-up of my latest articles at MMO Bro. First, I pat myself on the back for cracking the secret to a successful MMO. Next, I argue that MMOs should be built for more alts, not less.

Finally, I vent about the inescapable negativity that seems to be swallowing more and more of the world of online gaming.

Song of the Month: Arkells, Come to Light

I have no particular reason for posting this. It’s not a recent song. I’ve just been listening to it a lot lately.

The Arkells are a weird band for me. For most of their career, I didn’t much care for their work (Ballad of Hugo Chavez was okay, I guess). Then High Noon (the album this song is from) comes out, and I like almost everything off it. Then I again didn’t like most everything they put out after High Noon, up until the recent Rally Cry album, which I have been enjoying (though not as much as High Noon).

Amusing aside: I had a lot of trouble finding a version of this song to link because most of the YouTube videos were blocked in my country on copyright grounds. Which is hilarious when you consider the Arkells are a Canadian band…

Dungeons and Dragons: TSW Campaign Complete + EVEN MORE CHARACTERS

After a few delays due to illness, my homebrew D&D mini-campaign based on The Secret World setting has wrapped up. Over the course of four sessions, my friends embarked on a twisted journey from a northern Ontario town (complete with a boss fight in a Tim Horton’s), to the haunted ruins of the Third Age, to the surreal realm of the Dreaming Prison.

[image error]Mostly I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Everyone seemed to have fun. I do think I could have done a better job describing locations and selling the ambiance of the setting. My performance anxiety holds me back a lot.

Also, while it could have been far worse given my inexperience, game balance was an issue. The new warlock subclass I designed turned out to be OMGWTFBBQ overpowered, and my version of Exquisite Corpse turned out to be pretty overtuned, too. Conversely the monsters I designed ended up being fairly wimpy. It took me until the end to finally start getting the balance right.

On the plus side, the last boss fight went pretty well. I didn’t manage to kill anyone, but our Enforcer went insane and tried to murder the rest of the party, so that’s something.

I do plan to publish all of my homebrew at some point in case anyone else wants to try D&D in the Secret World setting, but first I need to polish it up a bit more (and finish nerfing Backer warlocks).

I’m not sure if I’ll do anything like this again. Some of my friends have expressed an interest in returning to TSW at some point, and I obviously have great love for the setting, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t love being a DM. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it.

[image error]The thing is it’s just really mentally exhausting. As much as it can be frustrating to wait for your turn as a player, that wait time gives you the opportunity to chat with friends or otherwise rest your mind. You don’t get that as a DM. Since I’m talking about these things now, I’ll just say: It’s rough on my burnout issues from being on the spectrum. My brain can’t handle that much input for that long.

Also, somewhat ironically considering I wrote the whole campaign, I don’t feel like I’m expressing my creativity as much as when I’m a player. I miss the experience of designing a character and role-playing.

At least I got to role-play as the Black Signal. I enjoyed that. There’s something cathartic about playing a truly awful villain.

For now, I return to life as a player.

On that front, my addiction to creating characters continues to balloon out of control. Mere weeks after posting an extensive list of my current roster, the cast has already increased.

Some of my friends (who somehow seem to have gone even more D&D crazy than I) have started running drop-in AL games every week. I’ve used this as an opportunity to import my Dwarf warrior, Davri, from WoW, as I discussed doing previously.

[image error]The prospect of being a straight fighter bored me, but I finally found a good fit for her: a War Domain cleric. Ironically I’ve since multi-classed her, and she’s now more fighter than cleric, but mostly that’s just so I can get Extra Attack. Once I have that, I’m going back to focus on cleric levels (if I play this character long enough).

I’m quite enjoying her. She’s fun to role-play. She’s a distant scion of a royal house, and she takes herself very seriously, in both good and bad ways. She can be a bit haughty and joyless, but she takes her duty seriously and is very earnest about defending the innocent and making the world a better place. I also enjoy how she’s almost the total opposite of the usual Dwarf stereotype: cultured, refined, effeminate.

Mechanically, she’s wound up as the party’s main tank in most sessions so far. Though I haven’t loved melee in D&D previously, I’ve had fun with it on her so far. It’s incredible the amount of punishment she can soak up.

And I’m already considering yet more character concepts. I pitched the DM of our regular campaign on the idea of at some point doing a Mirror Universe one-shot — our regular party, but evil — and I feel like evil Mai would be the perfect opportunity to finally play a Great Old One warlock like I’ve wanted to forever. A nihilistic death cultist is the perfect antithesis of a life-preserving paladin.

I’m also toying with the idea of a Bladedancer (raise your hand if you’re surprised I took an interest in the Elf-only spec). That I want to play outside of Adventurers’ League, if I play it at all. To my eye, Bladedancers seem a little underpowered, so I may wish to tweak the mechanics a bit, and I’m also thinking of homebrewing a race for them.

See, for some reason I got it in my head that I wanted the character to have an Eastern flair, so I delved into the lore to see if Forgotten Realms has an East Asia analogue. It does: the distant continent of Kara-Tur. Kara-Tur is largely lacking in Elves, but there is some mention of a very obscure and nearly extinct Elven subrace called the Maraloi. So now I kinda want to homebrew new racials for a Maraloi.

The madness continues.

Anthem Early Impressions

Early on I was pretty skeptical of Anthem. Bioware making another MMO, and it’s a “me too” Destiny clone? That doesn’t sound like a recipe for success. But a lot of good buzz coming out of the alpha and my general Bioware fandom won out, and I wound up pre-ordering (the deluxe edition, because pretty outfits).

[image error]I didn’t touch any of the innumerable demos or early access periods, but I did jump in on launch day (which was remarkably free of technical issues). I’m still pretty early in the game — level seven at the time of this writing — but here’s my thoughts so far.

Overall, Anthem is mostly living up to my expectations, for better and for worse. It’s probably not going to down as one of my favourite games of all time, and I’m not sure I’ll stick with it much once I’ve finished the story, but for now, I’m having a lot of fun.

The one thing I want to say out of the gate, and the one real surprise, is that this is not a clone of Destiny or Warframe. There are similarities because it’s the same genre, but Anthem has a very distinct flavour and character all its own. Do not write it off as derivative; it’s not.

What sets Anthem apart more than anything is its mobility. Players can fly, sprint, hover, double jump, and glide. Aside from being ridiculously fun, it adds a whole new dimension to combat — quite literally — that most games lack.

It’s funny because in many ways combat in Anthem feels just like Mass Effect. You’ve got your third person perspective and your mix of powers and guns. But in Mass Effect, you spend most of your time hunkered down in cover. Moving tends to be a risky proposition.

[image error]In Anthem, the opposite is true: If you stop moving, you die.

I’m just beginning to fully grasp the tactical options that Anthem’s mobility options open up. There’s so much you can do when you can literally fly circles around all of your opponents. It makes me so much more aware of the terrain around me and the opportunities it presents. It’s something that’s very hard to get across in text, but it’s an experience unlike anything I’ve had in a video game before.

I’m also impressed by how powerful the Javelins feel, especially when it comes to ultimate abilities. The game design critic in me is aware that the ultimates are theoretically bland since they’re all pretty much just a massive burst of AoE damage, but the rest of me is having too much fun cleansing the earth in fire to care.

Especially as a Storm, using your ultimate really does feel like calling down the wrath of some vengeful god to obliterate anyone foolish enough to stand against you.

Normally shooters feel a bit bland or hollow to me, but so far I haven’t felt that way about Anthem. The mobility, the use of terrain, the powerful abilities and the way they combo off each other all combine to create a very rich and engaging experience.

Story-wise, Anthem has thus proven adequate, but nothing more. The setting is pretty interesting — a lot of thought went into the world-building — but the meta-plot so far is kind of basic. It’s fun in a pulpy kind of way, I guess.

[image error]The NPCs definitely don’t have the depth you normally see from Bioware, but that being said they’re still above average as far as video game characters go. Owen is such a ridiculous dork, and I love it.

I also really like the actress who plays the female Freelancer. Her voice is very soothing, and she’s very good at sounding like a cool, confident badass without going over the top about it.

I do have a number of complaints about Anthem, but most of them are just minor nitpicks. The open world feels a bit empty, item tooltips are less informative than they should be, and I hope a FOV slider gets added at some point because I find the default camera a bit claustrophobic.

I will say I’m really over this “your character is a faceless robot” trend. I mean, it is realistic that we stay in our Javelins most of the time, but there’s no reason we couldn’t have more story cutscenes featuring our character, or helmets with clear faceplates, or something to give your character some sense of identity. Spending all your time as a robot who looks pretty much just like everyone else’s robot sucks a lot of the soul out of the game.

It doesn’t help that all of the Javelins are, well, kind of ugly. They’re not half as hideous as Warfame’s titular robo-ninjas, but they’re not really appealing, either. The Legion of Dawn skins from my pre-order are the only thing making them bearable, if you ask me.

[image error]It also doesn’t help that they abandoned the idea of varying Javelin appearance by gender halfway through development. Now, I don’t have a problem with that as an idea — there isn’t really a good reason for massive sci-fi combat suits to look different depending on the sex of the pilot — but the problem is some of the suits are still visibly gendered. The Storm is clearly masculine, while the Interceptor is obviously female. That’s a bit jarring if you’re piloting one of those as the opposite gender.

Not everyone’s going to care about that, though. I’m just a bit of a virtual fashionista.

It’s early days, and my opinion may change, but for now I’d say I do recommend Anthem. It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s fun and worth the price of admission. I do think it’s probably the best of the MMO shooters I’ve played to date.

If I Told the Truth, I Would Always Be Free

From the inception, I’ve had some pretty clear rules about this blog. One is that the blog is by me, but not truly about me. For the most part I avoid talking about myself or my life save as it affects the core topics of the blog (gaming, writing, speculative fiction).

Today, I’m going to break that rule.

The following post is going to deal with some fairly serious Real Life stuff. Nothing that quite justifies a trigger warning (I hope), but definitely heavier than you’d expect from the average MMO blog. Feel free to move on, and I’ll be back to gushing about Elves and ranting how subscription games suck soon enough, I’m sure.

If you’ve been paying attention, you may have noticed me dropping hints that there’s a lot of change going on in my life the past year or so. My posting less is the most obvious affect. I’m not going to go into detail on all that’s happened, but the simple answer is I have been, for perhaps the first time in my life, truly trying to get better.

See, I’m not a well man. Officially my diagnosis reads “autism spectrum disorder” and “major depressive disorder.” These are also known as Asperger’s syndrome (although that term is no longer used by the medical community, and I never liked it anyway) and clinical depression. While it didn’t get listed on my diagnosis for some reason, I also deal with severe chronic anxiety.

It’s true that I work as a freelance writer, but it’s a part time job. I’ve been placed on permanent disability support; it’s a matter of official government record that I am not expected to ever fully recover.

I could write an entire book trying to explain all the different ways these things affect me, but even that still probably wouldn’t be adequate. If you haven’t lived it, you’re never going to fully understand it. Even I often struggle to fully comprehend what’s going on in my own head.

Nonetheless, I will try to provide a brief glimpse.

Being on the spectrum is the biggest problem, and my other issues tend to spring from the challenges autism has given me. I’m terrified by the unfamiliar — going new places, doing new things, or meeting new people is always a test of endurance.

I have sensory issues. Mine are relatively mild compared to what some autistic people deal with, but even so, spending a few hours in a noisy room surrounded by multiple conversations stresses me out to the point where I will feel miserably, physically ill for days afterward.

I have trouble reading people, and it’s extremely difficult for me to make new friends or form relationships. It’s almost as hard to maintain those relationships long term. I’ve gotten better at interacting with people on a casual level, but my attempts to make deeper, more meaningful connections still usually fail. Even if they accept me — which not all do — there’s still the divide that comes from thinking and feeling in a different way.

I’m also prone to very vivid, intense thoughts and feelings. Something I hear a lot is that autistic people are quiet on the outside but experience a “rich inner life.” Well, yeah, but when you put it like that it sounds like we have fairytale kingdoms hidden inside us. Imagine instead standing in a raging hurricane with ten thousand banshees screaming in your ears.

That’s my “rich inner life.”

Moving on to depression, it feels like there’s an entire cottage industry of people online trying to explain what depression is like, and they still never seem to get it right, especially as it is different for everyone.

I’d say it’s best described as a permanent tilting of your emotional perspective. I’m not always sad, but I am sad a lot of the time, and sometimes I’m very sad. What’s perhaps worse, though, is that it is very difficult for me to feel happy. When I do, it’s usually a dull and fleeting sensation. Often (not always, but often) when I say I enjoy something, what I really mean is that it distracted me enough that I didn’t feel bad for a while. True joy is something I experience only rarely.

That brings us to the anxiety. Star Trek: Discovery is not, in my view, a good show, but it has done one or two things very well. One of them is the character of Saru. While it’s explained as a feature of his species, he is effectively an anxiety sufferer.

There’s a speech he gave in one episode that really struck a cord for me. He said he was “born afraid,” that he had never lived a moment free of fear, and that the greatest ecstasy he could imagine was to simply not be afraid, even for a moment.

That’s my life. I was born afraid.

I do not bring any of this up to elicit pity. In truth I have less investment than you might think in what any of my readers might have to say about all this — though of course comments are as always welcome.

No, this is about me.

On the interminable road to getting better (which for me means better than I am now, but likely never “better” in the sense of having a normal life) lately I’ve been focused on the concept of self-acceptance.

This is not an idea I’ve ever had much comfort with. My own boundless self-loathing notwithstanding, I have long felt self-love or self-acceptance is a dangerous thing, little more than a synonym for selfishness.

I have encountered more than a few people in my life who use self-acceptance as a get out of jail free card or a way to dodge responsibility for their own actions. I’m terrified that if I’m not so hard on myself, I’ll hurt the people I care about.

But I’m trying to find a way to let go of at least some of that self-loathing. If you hate yourself enough for long enough, eventually you start to hate the rest of the world for allowing you to exist. It poisons everything.

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

As much as I wish it wasn’t true, the reality is I am a fairly sensitive person, and I need to embrace that part of myself.

My current counselor — the latest in a long string of professionals I’ve seen for my issues — said something really interesting to me a few weeks ago. He said that he feels guilt and regret are valuable because they’re reminders of when we have failed to live up to our own goals and values. But he feels shame is a negative, because it’s based on how others see us.

For so long, my mental health problems have been my darkest and most shameful secret. I felt like I was less than everyone else. I felt like I was a bad person because of these issues. I still feel that way, to be honest.

And I’ve been so scared of how others will see me. Especially given that there’s so much stereotyping around autism, even by the people who are trying to be kind. Everyone either thinks people on the spectrum are drooling idiots, or they think we’re Rain Man. Most of us are neither.

For the record, autism is not a blessing in disguise. It does not give me “autistic super powers” (my gods how I hate that term) or make me a misunderstood genius. In reality only about ten percent of autistic people manifest savant capabilities. For the rest of us it’s only a disability.

There is also the general stigma around mental illness. I was afraid being honest about who I am would cost me friends, or cost me work. I was afraid it would invalidate all my opinions in the eyes others.

Actually I’m still afraid of all of those things.

And to be clear, I still don’t think being autistic is a good thing. I’ve yet to find an upside to it, for myself or for anyone else.

But I’m coming to realize it doesn’t need to be the whole definition of who I am. I’m autistic, but I’m not only autistic.

I’m trying to find things that I do like about myself. It’s remarkably hard, but I’m slowly coming up with a few.

I’ll tell you one thing I like about myself: I can find beauty in almost anything. There’s a reason I go for a walk every day. Even in the heart of the city, even walking the same neighbourhoods I’ve seen a hundred times before (because it’s not like I can explore new places without it making me anxious), I almost always find something beautiful that touches me, even if it’s just a particularly vibrant flower, or the way the sun hits the leaves in summer, or the way the snow dances through the air in winter.

There’s beauty beyond the physical, too. The ache in my heart when I read a story that inspires me. The kindness my friends have shown me. The flutter in your stomach when you fall in love.

This is why I’m an environmentalist, a social justice activist, and why I refuse to ever fully give into cynicism over the future of the world. Our world is full of so much beauty. How can anyone not want to fight for that with everything that they have?

And I’m trying to let go of the shame. I want to be better, and I don’t want to hide from who I am anymore. It’s too exhausting to live with that secret, that fear.

Posting this here is a good way of crossing the Rubicon. This blog is my most public outlet. If I’m no longer in hiding here, there’s no point in hiding anywhere. There’s no turning back now.

I don’t know if I’ll talk much more about this in future. I’m not eager to turn this into a mental health blog or otherwise use my illness as a way to gain attention. There are one or two topics I’d like to discuss that are related to this, though, so we’ll see.