Leslea Tash's Blog, page 26
August 27, 2013
My kids write this when they get into trouble. They add to the...
My kids write this when they get into trouble. They add to the end this sentence: If I do not discipline myself, my Mom must discipline me.
August 26, 2013
Exactly *that* fresh hell.
"What fresh hell is this?" is a famous quote by Dorothy Parker. So apt. Tim and I use it a lot, he more than I. It just works for so many things.
Let me regale you with my current challenge.
Last week was a doozy. We had some stress over negotiations re: our new home, then my ex’s love interest became less of a theoretical “person who might move in eventually if things work out between us” to a “definitely moving in, probably in a few weeks, and we’ll be getting married.”
(I want to note here that I wish Steve and Vicki every happiness in the world.)
The combined unknowns of not knowing where we were going to live, if we needed to keep looking for a house, if our deal was falling through, PLUS the stress of never having met the woman who was going to be living in the house with my children…UGH, it was just too much. My hair started falling out. I had stress dreams. THESE THINGS DON’T HAPPEN TO ME. But they did. There were big, important things happening to my kids that I was feeling out-of-control about. I needed these issues solved. I was shutting down.
They got squared away and I am much less stressed now. But I’m in pain physically.
Health-wise, I have been struggling for awhile. Since the miscarriages earlier this year. Prior to those pregnancies I’d been working out and toning up and felt great!
Post-miscarriages I went through a mild depression that lasted a few weeks. Then, my hypo symptoms worsened, so I’d decided to try & get in shape because that always has knocked out my hypothyroid symptoms in the past. Didn’t work. Got sick. Tried again. Didn’t work. That’s when I started trying to get in to see an endocrinologist.
After much phonecalling, I finally saw the new Dr. last Friday. She explained to me that thyroid disease is an autoimmune disease, and that if you have one AI disease, you could have others. NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR. I expected to get a prescription and feel better. The more we talked, though, the more I realized how likely it is I have Rheumatoid Arthritis like my mother.
She took a lot of blood, so we’ll see. I want a pill to make it go away. The more I read, the more I realize that might not happen. The thing that frustrates me the most is that stress brought this on. I’ve worked so hard to make my life less stressful, because of what it does to my health. I’m afraid that with the move and our lives changing, our routines changing, I might be in constant pain for awhile.
I’m in SO MUCH PAIN right now, and it’s weird to me that Tylenol doesn’t knock it out. I’ve been averse to pain meds for so long, I hardly ever take a pill. I hardly get headaches. I birthed three of my four kids without pain killers—not because their births weren’t painful, but because I don’t like taking medicine for pain, when most pain is temporary. Whatever is happening with my joints right now is so steady and constant that it is wearing away my personal resolve about pain meds. I’ve had four Tylenol today and just had two Advil. I don’t do this! I’d take something stronger if we had it.
When I started trying to figure out what was going on with my body, if it was my thyroid disease or what, I felt that at least part of the blame was due to my sedentary lifestyle. Since the miscarriages, I’d been sitting and writing more, moving less. I’d grown lazy, I thought. Not as bad as when I was pregnant, but damn close. I wasn’t proud of that, but there are only so many ways one can write. Most of them involve sitting down! I was working, after all!
The worry began when integrating exercise into my writing day didn’t help me pep up. It definitely didn’t help me lose weight. It made me super tired and less productive. That’s how I felt before I even started taking Synthroid, back in the 90s. I thought maybe I just needed a higher dose now. NOW I realize that maybe I was sedentary because I felt bad, and felt bad because I was sedentary, and it just went too far too fast (a matter of months!) and spiraled out of control so quickly BECAUSE I HAVE AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE.
I didn’t know shit about my health. I thought I did, but I didn’t, after all!
I want to feel good again. My fingers are stiff and although I successfully moved all day today around the house, helping the kids and doing chores, now that I’ve set down (3pm), my body is screaming. Every ache and pain that I brushed off as I went about my day is impossible to ignore now. That’s why I got up and took the ibuprofen. I just want something to turn these aches and pains OFF.
I hope to get answers from the new Dr soon. I am TOO YOUNG to hurt this badly. It is not right. It is not cool. I hate this thing!
I guess I am a Spoonie. I’m glad I’m not alone but I am so unhappy that two things—one good (a new house) and one unknown (the new woman living with my kids) could send me into physical pain!
August 25, 2013
August 24, 2013
venture:
Traveling isn’t just something we dream about. It’s...
Traveling isn’t just something we dream about. It’s what we live to do. That’s why we’re compiling the best #BucketList destinations and turning them into works of art. Take a look, add yours and follow us on the journey!
Typography by Ryan Hamrick
August 23, 2013
Friends
A few weeks ago I made a joke and lost a friend. It was an honest attempt to spread joy and laughter without any malicious intent. The fact that my former friend didn’t see it that way and had a meltdown in front of ten other people still makes me sad. I had trusted her. She was my closest friend besides my husband.
I haven’t had a lot of close friends the past few years and our friendship meant a lot to me. I’d like to not have any more sad feelings over friendships. Friends to spend time with are in short supply. I just don’t understand. Life’s too short to attack your friends. That mindset escapes me.
Maybe I take friendship too seriously, but it is what it is. I feel like my friend didn’t know my heart at all, had no faith in our friendship and no loyalty. I need to be able to be myself in a friendship. I give it my all. I expect kindness, loyalty, a sense of humor…and I think my friend had these qualities or I would not have trusted her. We all have bad days. I get that. I just feel so used and abandoned and sad that she treated me like a jerk and disposed of our friendship like garbage.
I look forward to not missing her anymore. Everyone needs a friend.
August 22, 2013
Vincent van Gogh - From ‘Almond Blossoms’ Series (1888-1890)
Vincent van Gogh - From ‘Almond Blossoms’ Series (1888-1890)
